Mr. Booth was shaken by the video he’d watched. He answered Tanner without hesitation, though. “I’ll have to talk to the Schroders, and if they want you here, that seems acceptable for the time being. Do you want him here, Trip?”
“More than anything,” I said. “Tanner’s my best friend.”
“Well then, I’ll talk to your parents, then go speak to my wife. I have to fly back to New York tonight. They’re sending their private jet again to pick me up. So I’ll say goodbye now, but I’ll call you tomorrow, Tanner.”
He hugged Tanner and then, surprising me, hugged me as well. Then he went downstairs, and we heard him leave a few minutes later. I grinned at Tanner. “My house, my rules.”
“You wish,” he said, but he was grinning, too.
≈ ≈ ≈
I was very happy. I was sure I had Tanner living with me in my house for almost a month and a half, and he’d be here to celebrate Christmas with us. With me. I was already thinking about how I could get him to stay for the rest of the school year. If his dad hadn’t been able to accommodate him before, why should it be different now? Staying with me seemed the best answer to that.
Mr. Booth did call Tanner the next day, and they talked for some time. Then Tanner told me what was said. He sat on my bed as usual. What he said was shocking.
“They’re getting a divorce. Actually, he’s divorcing her. Not how it usually works, I guess. He’s asking for sole custody of me; she’s putting up no objection to that. I don’t think she ever liked me any better than I liked her. He also said that he’ll be coming back here in a couple of days for just long enough to collect all my stuff from that house. He told her I knew exactly what I had, and it had better still all be there and untouched. He said he’d told her that stuff was legally mine, not hers or her parents’, and if anything was missing, he’d call the police.”
This seemed so sudden! I asked Tanner about that.
“Yeah, it seems that way to me, too, but they got married really quickly, too. The thrill of Africa, being pushed together there, then coming home directly into a new job—everything seemed rushed. Shortly after that, they were apart a lot, and Dad began to realize that he might have acted rashly, marrying her without getting to know her well enough. I guess some of their phone calls hadn’t gone well. So he’d been rethinking the marriage. He invited her for weekends and entire weeks in New York with him, and she’s always found reasons not to go; that bothered him, too. Then he came here and saw that video we made. That was the back-breaking straw.”
Okay, it was official. Tanner saw this as his father being liberated from a mistake, and that after retrieving his stuff, he’d never have to return to that house or deal with that woman again. I saw it as Tanner being with me at least till mid-January. Nothing was going to interfere with that. I wouldn’t let it.
Our test in World History was upcoming, and we crammed for it. Not that we really needed to. We’d already put in the time on the project; we’d built the map, which looked fantastic, and we’d memorized our stuff. On the map, the country names were done in black, the capitals were printed in red and marked with red stars, major rivers were correctly located and drawn in blue and named, and mountain ranges were shown in dark purple. We’d thought adding the populations and sizes in square miles would make the map look crowded, and countries like San Marino and Liechtenstein didn’t really have room for all that, so we listed the population of each country and its size on a separate piece of paper which we clipped to the map.
Doing the populations and sizes that way was good for me. Tanner would print the name of the country and ask me the population and size. I only had to look up three of them, Cyprus, the Netherlands and Ukraine, but doing so helped me remember them better. Everything else I had already memorized.
We had to turn in our maps the day of the test. When Mr. Montgomery saw our map, which was much larger than anyone else’s, he said, “Wow!” and studied it for several moments, then shook his head. “You guys really went overboard on this.”
“Wait till you see how we do on the test!” I said with a laugh.
We got our papers back the next day with separate grades for the test and the map. So, two grades. A-plus and A-plus. For us both. I’d expected that, but it was still good to have proof that all the work we’d put in had paid off.
We had another surprise that day. Mr. Montgomery had had our map and the addendum both framed, and they were hanging on his classroom wall. He said the map of Europe was the best he’d ever seen.
≈ ≈ ≈
Mr. Booth did come back to accompany Tanner to collect his things. I didn’t go. I’d been forbidden entry into that house, and why kick a hornet’s nest? I was sure with Mr. Booth escorting me I’d have been okay, but I was okay with not going, too. Just seemed wiser that way.
The bad part came when they returned to my house. My folks were there, and we all sat and talked.
“I’ve been thinking about this ever since Thanksgiving,” Mr. Booth started. “I’ve kicked myself for letting Tanner live in the situation he was in. A good father would have paid more attention, and I failed him. I don’t want to do that again. What I’d like is for him to come live with me. Yeah, I’m busy, and I have to travel too much during the season, but I’ve been doing it enough now to know what’s possible, and Tanner being there would work out fine. He could travel with me for many of my short assignments, which most of mine are. There are lots of good schools, and I can even get him in a private one. He and I can work that out together.”
He stood up and came and hugged Tanner, then pulled him to the couch and sat next to him with his arm around him. “I’ve missed you, Tanner, more than you can imagine. I want to change that.”
I felt my heart speeding up. No! I didn’t want this to happen. I felt my stomach fluttering, a sick feeling, and I wanted to protest, but I knew I didn’t have anything to say. This was Mr. Booth’s decision to make.
And then it wasn’t because of what he said next.
“However, I’ve realized something else.” He half-turned so he was looking at his son. “Tanner, you’ve grown up a lot in the past couple of years. I figured out why you didn’t tell me how things were here. I also see you’ve done what you had to do to protect yourself. You’re very capable of that. And so, I think where you live should be your choice. You have two options, and they’re both good. You can’t go wrong making either one. You’ve been invited to stay here with these wonderful people, or you can come live with me. I’d like that; I’ve missed you. But it’s up to you to decide. It’s your life.”
I was sure Tanner would ask for time to think about it. I sure hoped that would be the case. Maybe I could nudge him in the right direction if he did.
He didn’t dither, though. He answered immediately. “Dad, I’ve missed you, too. So much. I’d hate to leave here; I’d miss Trip way too much. I’ve never had a friend that was so special to me. But, too, I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”
He stopped and looked at his dad, then at me. “Why does life have to be so hard?” he asked. “I’m going to have to talk to Trip about this. Then I’ll let all of you know.”
Somehow, that didn’t seem reassuring at all. In fact, watching Tanner and his dad embrace again, I felt my heart slowly shattering into small pieces.
≈ ≈ ≈
Tanner sat on my bed, and this time he made me sit right in front of him. We both had our legs crossed with our knees sticking out in front, and he wriggled forward so they were touching.
“Trip, you’re the best friend I could ever want. Whatever decision I make, it’ll hurt me. It’ll hurt someone else, too. If I stay with you, it’ll hurt my dad. If I go with him, it’ll hurt you. I’ll suffer, too, no matter what I choose.”
I thought I’d better speak while I had the chance. It was sounding very much to me like he’d already made up his mind. If I wanted to influence him, it had to be right then.
“Tanner, you know how I feel about you. And I think I know how you feel about me. I don’t know why you won’t admit it, but I know you’re reluctant to. The only thing I can see stopping you is that you might not want to admit you’re gay. But dammit, if I could do that, you can, too! You’re ten times braver than I’ll ever be.”
I didn’t like the look on his face. He looked so sad. But it wasn’t like he was considering what I was saying at all. He was, though. He listened. I knew because of how he responded.
“You know I have strong feelings for you, Trip. I do. But they’re not the same kind you have. I love you as a friend. You love me like a romantic partner. That’s different. I know that’s different.”
“It has to be more than that!” I was getting emotional, but if not now, then when? This was a time for emotions. “I know you feel things like I do. You get hard sometimes. You liked skinny-dipping. You liked wrestling with me. How can you say you don’t have any of what you called romantic feelings for me?”
He was shaking his head, still looking sad. “Yeah, you’re right, and I guess I’m a little ashamed of myself for not having more self-control. Sure, I liked those things. I’m a normal fourteen-year-old boy. It doesn’t take much to turn me on. You know that. You saw it. But there’s so much more than being turned on. You feel things deeply, Trip. That’s part of you. Well, I do too, and I care about things. One thing I care about most is you. But not that way. I care about you getting hurt, and if I was going to mess around with you, experiment with you, I could explain it to you and myself by just saying we were having fun, that it didn’t mean anything more than that. But it would mean more to you. And that wouldn’t be fair, and you’d be hurt when I wouldn’t want to take it any further.”
Feeling awful and desperate about where this seemed to be going, realizing what he was saying, I finally had to ask the question I’d always avoided. Now was the time to ask it. “You’re telling me you’re not gay, right?”
I was surprised. He got up and did his looking-out-the-window thing. He stood looking out for more than just a moment before returning to where he’d been, even getting his knees touching mine again.
“I don’t mean to be ambiguous, Trip. But I can’t answer that. I’ve never done anything with a boy or a girl. I’ve had opportunities. But I’ve always managed to avoid them. The fact is, even at fourteen, I don’t feel ready. It seems like I’d be committing to something. I do have feelings for you. And some of them are a little romantic. A little! But I guess I’m like most boys our age: I get crushes on girls, too. I just know I’m not ready for the emotions or responsibilities or commitments that would go along with getting sexual with anyone at this point.
“I know boys experiment with each other and don’t think of it as anything but a learning experience. You know me, and I know you, and I know it would mean much more than that for both of us. I don’t want that now. I want you as the best friend I’ll ever have. That’s enough for now.
“But, you asked if I’m gay, and I haven’t given you a very good answer. So, I’ll do that: I’m not sure. I think I’m straight, I probably am, but then I’m not sure. I do feel a little excited thinking about sex with a boy—with you—but also with a cute girl. At our age, we think about sex a lot; I do it all the time. And I wonder about myself. I might be a little gay, or I might be bi. Maybe when I actually have sex with someone, it’ll all be clearer to me. Or maybe I just have to be older before I’ll know. But, for right now, the best answer I can give you, the most honest one, is I don’t know.”
Then he told me he was going to take up his father’s invitation to live with him. He said he was sorry for how that would hurt me, but to please remember that he’d be hurt just as much.
I doubted that. But he looked so sincere and worried about me that I just stopped arguing.
≈ ≈ ≈
Tanner would finish the semester living with us, then leave to begin his second semester of seventh grade in New York. So, he’d be with us till mid-January. He’d spend Christmas with us, and Mr. Booth would be with us then, too, as much as his schedule would allow.
Tanner slept in our spare room. We actually had two extra bedrooms. The house had four—or five if you counted the room Mom had made into an office. When Mr. Booth had left that night after my talk with Tanner and he’d gone down and told his father what he’d decided, I’d stayed in my room while Mom had shown Tanner where he’d sleep. I’d left them to it. I was trying to pick myself up but was having trouble getting a grip.
My door was closed, and I was lying on my bed with my face in my pillow. I heard a knock but didn’t want to see anyone. The knock came again, and then I heard the door open and heard a voice. “I’m coming in.” No request. Just a statement, and then Tanner was sitting on my bed, and his hand was on my arm. My face remained embedded in my pillow.
“I’m sorry, Trip. That was the hardest decision I ever had to make. But I’m sure it’s the right one for both of us. I do love you. But not the way you love me. I just don’t. Just like you can’t change who you are, neither can I. As I said, I’m not sure what I am, gay or straight or something in the middle. I’ll know, sooner or later. Everyone figures it out at some point.”
He paused, probably hoping I’d raise my head. I didn’t.
“I hate losing you as a friend, Trip. I never had one like you before. You’re so smart, and you like the same things I do, and you have a sense of humor I love, and you’re going to be a great writer if you keep going with that. The worst thing for me is leaving you. But it’s also the right thing because now you’ll have a chance to find someone who’ll love you the same way you’ll love them.”
He paused again, maybe to give me time to let that thought sink in. “Anyway, I’ll still be here awhile. Let’s make the most of it, huh? We’ll still be friends even after I leave, and you can come to New York for a visit, and I’ll show you around, and I can spend some of my vacations here. No way am I just leaving you. You’re too important to me for that to happen. So why don’t you stop smothering yourself and give me a hug. Can we both look to the future and start planning it together after that?”
What could I do? I couldn’t let him just sit there after that. I pulled myself up, and we did hug, and this time, neither of us got hard.