It took me some time to get over what I was feeling. I was being rejected. Rejection hurt. It made me think I wasn’t good enough. It made me think there was something wrong with me.
But that really wasn’t what was happening. He wasn’t rejecting me. He was leaving me. And he had a good reason to do so, and even then, he regretted doing it, and I knew that was true. So, no, he wasn’t really rejecting me. I had to get that into my head. Emotions can overwhelm you when you’re thirteen. I had to fight with myself. I hadn’t been rejected. I had to believe that. Emotionally. It was a fight. I reasoned it out.
He had said he loved me. Loved me in a way. He’d left me; he hadn’t rejected me. What he’d done, in fact, was choose a different life for himself moving forward. That fit better, and though it still hurt, it didn’t have the same sting, because he had a perfectly good reason for what he did. And it had nothing to do with there being anything wrong with me.
He was leaving. I wouldn’t be spending every afternoon and many evenings with him after he was gone. He was leaving a gigantic hole in my life.
I had to get over the dream that Tanner would be the love of my life. Well, he probably wouldn’t have been. Great friend? Yes. Great love? Probably not. He had left that door ajar at least a tiny crack. But I was slowly coming around to accepting that he and I weren’t going to be a thing. What surprised me was how my feelings about him were changing. I’d always pined for him, always hoped he’d come around. Now that hope was fading, but I still had Tanner for the moment. He was living with me, still would be for a short time. And all the reasons I loved him were still there, making it harder. But we still had our friendship, and in some ways it was stronger. Now, whenever I touched him or he touched me, I wasn’t hoping it would turn into sex. Now, things between us didn’t have that twitchy edge to them. That, paradoxically, seemed to allow us to become even closer.
Once, when we were thinking back to our World History project, I told Tanner he was the reason I did so well on the test. “I’d never have put as much work into it without you pushing me. You’re the reason I got the A-pluses I did.”
He looked at me seriously and said, “I think you’re right. I should get all the credit for that.”
Of course, that led to my tackling him and both of us landing on the bed. It led to me getting hard again, too, even knowing this wouldn’t lead to anything. At thirteen, it didn’t take much to arouse me. The strange thing was, he got hard, too. I stopped wrestling and asked him about that. I asked him in an intellectual way, not a randy, hopeful way.
“You say you’re not into guys but sometimes get just as hard as I do when we wrestle. So why haven’t you ever acted on that? Why stop?”
“I already explained that. I’m just as normal as anyone my age. But I haven’t acted on it because I know you, Trip. You feel differently about us than I do. It’s not that I didn’t want to fool around. I’d have had fun; I’d have liked it. I jerk off like everyone else, and it’s great, and it would have been fun doing it with you. But it would have meant something different to you than to me. And then you’d have been deeply hurt that I wouldn’t have shared your feelings about it. I didn’t want that to happen. It could have ruined our friendship, and I value that too much. Plus, I didn’t want you to suffer as I was sure you would. So, I always stopped. But, you know, you and I, there’ll always be some unfinished business for us.” Then he winked at me.
What could I say to that? He was looking out for me, and he was right. If we’d fooled around, the outcome, the fact there would be no outcome, would have hurt me badly.
≈ ≈ ≈
Christmas came and went. Mr. Booth joined us when he could. It was a festive time, and I tried hard to enjoy it. I was learning the true meaning of bittersweet. That’s what the occasion was to me: bittersweet. I knew I was losing Tanner shortly thereafter. I was getting used to the idea. Preparing myself so I wouldn’t be too broken up when it happened.
After our Christmas break, we had swimming trials at school. They came just before the end of the term. Tanner wasn’t trying out. No reason to as he’d be leaving soon. But I was surprised that James, our lunch companion, was there. He looked great in his Speedo. I didn’t think I looked so hot in mine, but I never did have a high opinion of my looks.
There were six freshman boys trying out. One of the things they had us all do to evaluate us was swim a 100-yard freestyle race. That was one length of the pool and back. I’d been training with Tanner, and this was a length I was accustomed to and good at.
At the whistle, I dived in off the starting platform with the rest of them. I couldn’t see how I was doing. I was in the second lane and simply swam as fast as I could. I made a great flip turn and sped back toward the finish, breathing easily, stroking hard. I reached the end wall and touched out. I came up out of the water and looked around. I saw only one kid had also finished: James, in the far outside lane. He called out to me, “I won. Beat you by a mile.”
I called back, “Like hell you did!” Then I looked up and said, “Coach?”
“Looked like a tie to me.”
“By a mile, my ass!” I said, glowering.
James looked back, and he was smiling. That was James, always upbeat, always happy, a very spontaneous and live-wire kid, and smart, too. As I watched him, I sort of recognized something, something at a visceral level—just a feeling, really.
I think he saw and felt the same thing while looking at me. I saw his eyes widen just a smidgen, and then his smile broadened.
It was plain that we were both feeling the same thing, a simpatico moment and a connection and, being boys, not having a good way to deal with emotions, we both just did what came naturally, both at the same time. We began laughing. And we didn’t stop right away, kept laughing, feeding off each other.
I realized that James had a very nice laugh.
≈ ≈ ≈
I told Tanner that I was a little worried. “When you came to my table and sat with me at lunch; after that, everything changed for me. It was because the school’s top jock had accepted me. Now that guy will be gone. I’ll be naked in school again, everyone seeing me without my shield. What if things return to how they were?”
“They won’t, and you know it. Things are different. First off, you won’t be alone. You’ll still have Jason and James at lunch. And you’ll still have your column. But, most important of all, you’ll still be the same guy everyone in school now knows and likes. Your difference won’t scare anyone now.”
That made a lot of sense to me and calmed me down. I even thought about it enough to use it for a Growing Pains column. I wrote about how all of us have problems of our own that we have to work through; about each of us being different in different ways. I said my difference was being gay. But they all had differences, too. We also all had similarities, and the big one was we were all figuring out who we were and what we wanted and how to get there. That’s who we were at this stage in our lives, and we were all doing the best we could.
I got a lot of smiles and thumbs up for that column.
The day I’d been dreading finally arrived. Tanner left. I cried. Life moved on. I did write a column about him leaving. I wrote about how losing one’s best friend hurt so badly. But, I continued, you have to get over that; you have to move on. And I said every time I’d been hurt in the past, life had somehow seemed to find a way to heal the wound and to provide a means to recover. I wrote that I was hoping that would happen this time as well.
When Tanner had been on his way out, I’d told him to invite me for a summer visit in one of the emails he promised he’d be sending me.
I’d told him I’d invite him as well. He’d grinned at me and said, “Maybe you’ll need James’ permission before you do that. Jealousy is a nasty business.”
Huh? Sure, I thought James was cute, and I knew he was intelligent, but I didn’t think of him as a potential partner, and I was sure he didn’t think of me that way, either. I told Tanner that. He just shook his head in that way of his, the way that drove me crazy, and smiled.
With Tanner gone, there were just the three of us at our lunch table. Three gay boys. Perhaps the only gay boys in our school. I spent some time watching my new friends. James was a talker, and Jason didn’t have a problem letting him control the conversation. Nor did I. It gave me the opportunity to watch each of them. I knew James better than Jason because Jason was quiet. Always had been since he’d joined Tanner and me.
Both boys were attractive in their own ways. The fact James was so alive, so spirited, helped make him more beautiful. He had natural good looks, but, by always smiling, always letting his enthusiasms reach his eyes, he became even more captivating.
Jason’s attractions were more subtle. He was good-looking, though not in James’ class. But there was nothing wrong with his looks. I somehow had the feeling they’d grow on you, just like his quieter personality would.
I could tell, watching him, he was paying close attention to James—and to me as well—by the way he’d insert comments now and then. They tended to be witty and spot-on. Then he’d look down as though he’d embarrassed himself, but he didn’t look embarrassed. I decided it was a mannerism he used to divert attention from himself. He didn’t like to be the center of attention. I could relate to that. Even though I had a lot more confidence now, I preferred being in the observer role than the one being observed.
Was I attracted to either of them emotionally? Or romantically, to use Tanner’s word? I was still getting over my strong feelings for Tanner. But he was gone, and I was watching these two, and I couldn’t help thinking about them. It was confusing, though. There were two of them. If I had feelings for either of them, those feelings should be stronger for one than the other, right?
So, I watched them and listened to them; I saw things I liked in each. All that told me was that I needed more time with them.
I was considering all this as James was rambling on. I listened closer and found he was discussing our hundred-meter trial. Telling Jason all about it. That gave me an idea.
“Hey, James,” I said when he paused long enough to take a bite of his lunch. “You know, you’ve never been to my house, and we have a pool. Maybe you’d like to come over one day after school. We could train a bit, and maybe I’ll give you a chance to beat me for real in a race.”
James kept chewing, then looked down at his salad as though thinking he might find a bug on his lettuce. He was thinking. Then he looked up again with his trademark smile and laughing eyes.
“That’d be great. But should I bring a bathing suit? I understood from hearing you and Tanner talk that it was optional there.”
Jason was looking back and forth at the two of us with more emotion in his face than usual. It was a weird expression, one I couldn’t read. And I was pretty good at reading expressions.
Before I could answer James, Jason said, “Hey! I like to swim.”
James came right back at him. “You sure? We won’t be wearing bathing suits.”
Jason stared him down, a feat in itself, and said, “I can do that.” He said it in a challenging way but then immediately grinned and said, “Anyway, why not?”
Then they both turned to me.
I’d been thinking about the two of them. I’d been wondering about whether I had feelings for either. I’d been thinking I needed more time with them. What could be better than this? Not only spending time with them, but doing it nude?
I was up for that. I was still missing Tanner and would for a long time, but life had to move on. I thought how much I needed this, spending time with other boys. And with gay boys, too.
I grinned. “I think today would be good. My parents have a thing tonight and won’t be home till late. They’re leaving money for a pizza. Why don’t you guys come and eat dinner with me? We can wait for it to be fully dark outside, which is best for swimming nude and feels really sexy, or we can get in right away. Or do both. It’ll be up to you and how modest you are.”
Jason nodded. “Good,” he said. I think he was referring to the invitation. He said it forthrightly, very much unlike him. He’d never really acted so self-assured before or spoken with such conviction.
James looked at him, probably as surprised as I was, and then back at me and said, “Modest? Me?” and started laughing. Jason blushed a little, then laughed, too.
I had no choice. Laughter is contagious, and I was in the middle of it right away, laughing too, and I couldn’t help but think of a quote my dad had told me that so, so applied here. Back at the beginning of the school year, when things had been so bad for me that I hated getting out of bed in the morning, he’d told me, “Alexander Graham Bell said ‘When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.’”
Seemed to me right then that two doors had shut for me over the last year—when I lost all my friends at school and then when Tanner left me. Now, I had the feeling Bell’s closed doors had just been knocked on. I looked across the table at James and Jason laughing and thought, hmmmmm.
THE END