Todd climbed the stairs to his bedroom. He dropped his backpack on the desk, then realized he wasn’t alone. He turned to find Mr. Thomas stepping noiselessly out of his walk–in closet.
“Good afternoon, sir,” he said when he saw Todd had seen him.
“Thomas,” Todd replied, not being able to entirely quash the contempt that was rarely absent from his voice when he spoke to the man. He turned away from him and toed off his polished loafers.
“I was just hanging your clothes after ironing them,” Mr. Thomas said in his usual unctuous tone of voice. He stood watching the boy, leering as usual, allowing his eyes to roam over him, again as usual.
“Sure you were. Hanging them up after ironing them, and then going through all the pockets of the ones already there. And waiting till I was home so I’d know you’d done it.” Todd still didn’t look at the man, knowing what he’d see. He kept his back to him as he walked to his dresser.
Mr. Thomas managed to assume a wounded air. “Sir, you know I only do what your father asks of me. In fact, I’d much rather you and I be friends. Good friends. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have to be quite so meticulous in my reports to him.” Mr. Thomas winked, and smiled, though the boy wasn’t watching.
“You may go now, Thomas.” Todd still had his back to the man.
“Certainly, sir. But while I’m here, would you like some assistance changing into your casual clothes?”
“What do you want to do, hold my jockstrap for me? With me in it?” The contempt had changed to anger.
“Certainly, sir, if that is your wish, sir.”
“Just get out of here!”
“Yes, sir. I so hope I never stumble over something while looking through your things at your father’s request, something like a certain kind of magazine. Or a video. Something your father would indeed be upset over having been found in your room.” He looked at the boy, waiting for him to turn around. When Todd did, Mr. Thomas allowed the pretense of sadness and worry he’d affected during their talk to slowly change into smugness. It was in a different voice that he said, “Even if you weren’t the one who actually lost what I found, I imagine, your father being as he is, would think otherwise. You know, it’s really a shame he trusts me so absolutely and trusts you not at all.”
Todd’s eyes opened a little wider. As much as he loathed his overseer, he hadn’t thought the man would stoop to such an act. He found his adopted, obviously fake subservience grating and disgusting, but hadn’t realized the man could also be duplicitous to the extent he was suggesting. Mr. Thomas smirked, and winked at Todd. As he was finally leaving, when he reached the door he said, “You might want to give what I said some thought.”
»»»» 0 ««««
The meeting after school the next day was brief. Mr. McCluskey merely asked if either boy had anything to say, then sent them to the library to work. Todd had his books, and Geoff had nothing.
Todd started to take his books out, then stopped. “You’re not going to study, are you? You don’t want to.”
“It won’t do any good. I’m lost in those new classes and can’t understand anything. I don’t know if it’s because your classes are way ahead of mine or just because it’s all over my head. But I can’t do it, I know that. It doesn’t make a difference now if I try or not. He either puts me back and lets me struggle there, or we can just forget it.”
“Well, why didn’t you tell him that in his office? Why tell me?”
“He’ll think it’s just me being me if I say that. You believe me more than he does.”
Todd heard the defeat in Geoff’s voice. He had no feelings at all for this boy, other than residual fear and what dislike he retained. He didn’t like hearing how he sounded at the moment, though. He’d heard himself sound like this enough to recognize what it meant.
“OK, then, we won’t study. I think I might be able to get Mr. McCluskey to switch your classes back if I ask him in the right way. Anyway, instead of that, can we talk? I need to tell you something. You know I don’t like you, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I don’t blame you. But it wasn’t really you I was picking on. I don’t even know you.”
“I know. You said you picked on me because I looked weak, and scared. What I want to know is, why do you want to pick on weak boys? I want to know that. Maybe others do it for the same reason, and if I understand it, maybe I can do something about it. And I want to know why you said you have to stay in school, yet you don’t do the work to pass. That doesn’t make any sense.”
Geoff started to answer, but stopped. He thought a moment. Then, “I’d have to tell you about myself for you to understand. I thought about this last night, about talking to you. Telling you about me. I’ve never done that before, never to anyone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. But I thought about it, and I want to. I’d like someone to understand. Thinking about talking to you made me feel something. Like, feel good. I think I can talk to you because you’re afraid of me. It somehow gives me the courage to do it. I can’t talk to anyone else.”
“OK. Then tell me.”
“It isn’t that easy. And it’s, well, you’d have to keep it a secret. But if you knew, maybe we could discuss it. Because I don’t know what to do. You’re smart. I can see it. Feel it almost. You are. I’ve watched you.” He paused. “Do you think you could keep what I say secret?”
“I might be able to do that, but why should I?”
Geoff stared him in the eyes. “Because it could be dangerous. For both of us. But I need to talk to someone. I want to talk to you. Please?”
“If I say no, are you going to beat me up? If you do tell me whatever you want to tell me, and I think I have to tell someone else, then are you going to beat me up?”
Geoff hung his head, not in shame, but from frustration. He knew this reaction from Todd was his own fault and getting Todd to move past it was going to be difficult. His own acts were making his life harder, and he regretted them for that reason. Without looking up, he said, “No, I won’t beat you up. This sort of feels like a last chance to me. If you tell someone, then that’s what you’ll do, and I’ll do the best I can with whatever happens because of it. But I know you agreeing to listen is a favor you’re doing me, one you have no reason to do for me, and I won’t beat you up for doing me that favor.”
Todd didn’t reply right away; he had to think. He didn’t like Geoff, so why should be become his confidant? But he was curious, curious about several things. Vaguely, he wondered if maybe Geoff’s problems could be related to his own, and that maybe hearing about his problems, and talking about them, might help both of them. Not that it was at all likely, but still….
“All right,” he finally said, feeling uncertain he was doing the right thing, not a bit happy to be prolonging his involvement with this boy. “Go ahead.”
Geoff felt relieved at that. He hadn’t thought Todd would do it. This was the second time Todd had fooled him. Geoff relaxed a little, squirmed a bit to get more comfortable on the unforgiving library chair, then began to talk.
“I live with my parents and two brothers. I used to have three. The oldest one died. One of my brothers is older, one younger.
“My father is….” Geoff paused, and cleared his throat. “My father is a son of a bitch. Without question the meanest man I know. He’s never had a real job that I can remember. He runs the family with an iron fist, a belt, anything he can hurt people with. You don’t cross him, you don’t talk back to him, you do what he says and don’t talk if you can help it.
“He’s big. I probably get my size from him. He’s about 6–4 or 6–5 I’d guess, and something over 280 pounds. And mean. His big thing is his meanness. You notice that right off.
“My mom is just as scared of him as we kids are. He hits her just as hard and just as often as he does us. She can’t stand up to him. Nobody can. If they did, he’d probably kill them. And then ask what’s for dinner, and it better be on the table on time.”
He stopped. He didn’t raise his eyes to Todd. He’d been looking off into the distance, and remained doing so. Todd didn’t say a word.
“I was the third child born. Neither of my older brothers finished high school. My father made sure they didn’t. He wanted them for something else.
“See, he doesn’t have a job, but he makes a living. He does it by cooking and selling crystal meth. And he got both my older brothers to help him. They made it alongside him, they sold it, and the oldest one used it. It finally killed him.
“He was four years older than me, one year older than my next brother. When I was 11, Ray, that was his name, had just started using. My father knew, and he laughed about it. Thought it was funny. Kept asking him if the last batch he’d made was good shit. And Ray never got tired of sampling the stuff.
“Meth is funny. At first, it makes you feel real aggressive, real powerful. Makes you think about sex all the time, too. Later on, all you think about is getting more meth. Ray didn’t have any trouble scoring some whenever he wanted a hit. It was always available to him. He began wanting it more and more often, and then all the time.
“Finally, it killed him. It eats your brains away.
“But at first, it just fucked him up. He got in a lot of fights and hurt people. When he was home he’d hurt Allen and me, too, and we pretty quickly learned to keep out of his way. He was crazy when he was on that shit. And by the end, he seemed to be on it all the time.
“Allen, my next brother, was better able to avoid him than I was. I was only 11. Didn’t know shit. Didn’t know when to be scared.
“Dad thought it was funny, and Mom was in her own world most of the time. And Ray was using, and feeling strong and oversexed.
“You can guess what started happening. I was available, I had nowhere else to go, I couldn’t protect myself against him. Allen kept disappearing, and Ray started coming for me.
“It didn’t last forever. It wasn’t too long before he started losing interest in sex and gaining interest in having more meth in his system. But for that period of time, I was getting raped every night, sometimes even twice. I screamed at first, and he simply punched me out or to where I wasn’t screaming any more and then did his thing. I’d wake up with a sore face, maybe sore ribs, a terrible headache and a sore ass. I decided it was better to only have the sore ass, so stopped screaming. It wasn’t doing any good anyway.”
He quit talking then, remembering. Todd didn’t know how to react. He’d never heard anything like this, could barely imagine it. He had no idea this was how some people lived. He thought of his own life. It wasn’t pleasant, but he never got raped. He wasn’t sure how he’d have survived what Geoff had experienced, and Geoff had experienced it every day. He had awakened in the morning knowing it would happen before he went to sleep that night.
Geoff started talking again, his voice a little softer, his eyes fixed on the table. “See, that’s why my brothers didn’t finish high school. Dad wanted them on the streets, selling. Or home helping him make the stuff. Or one doing one, the other the other. He wants me to do it, too. He keeps asking when I’m going to flunk out. He won’t let me study at night. He says books are for wimps. If I bring any home, he tears them up, and usually hits me, slaps me around some. So I don’t take any home. He can’t force me to quit because I’m 15. I can’t quit for another few months. But if I flunk out, he thinks I can just not go back and it’ll be OK. So he wants me to flunk and I pretty much am. I was held back one year, so I’m already behind. I’m failing this year, too. Mr. McCluskey has talked to a couple of teachers and they’ve cut me some slack. That’s the only reason I’m still here now.
“My father doesn’t know how close I am to being kicked out. He’s never thought about that. If he knew, he’d make sure it happened. But lucky for me, he’s not too bright and doesn’t spend much time thinking about me anyway. I hope he never thinks of that.
“I don’t want to do what my brother and father are doing. I don’t want to have anything to do with meth at all. It already killed Ray, and I think Allen is starting to use. His personality is starting to change, he’s getting more aggressive, more feisty. I’m staying away from him now like I should have done with Ray.
“I think that’s what would happen to me, too. I’d be working for my father, and that’s bad enough. He hit Ray when he didn’t bring home enough money, until Ray started using and got so he didn’t feel much pain and got crazy strong and started wailing back on Dad. But you can’t do anything right with Dad, and he lets you know about it with his fists. Or maybe a baseball bat. He broke Allen’s arm once. Then made him go out the next day in his cast. Selling.
“I don’t much like school, but at least it’s safe. Working for my dad would be awful. I’d either get beat up at home for screwing up a batch or not selling enough or just anything, or I’d get caught by the cops trying to sell the stuff. I don’t know what I want to do in life, but selling meth isn’t it. I’ve seen what using it did to Ray, I think Allen’s going in that direction now, and, well, it’s just all fucked up.”
He stopped and took a deep breath. “Anyway, that’s why I need to stay in school. That’s why I said you could hurt me much more than I hurt you. That’s why I’m thankful you didn’t lie to Mr. McCluskey. I don’t get why you didn’t. If I’d been in your shoes, I sure would have.”
Todd didn’t know what to say. What he’d heard didn’t make him like Geoff any better, but he could understand a little better why he behaved as he did. Geoff had been in an abusive situation all his life. Violence, hurting other people, was how he saw people around him deal with anger. Geoff hadn’t seen people he knew being sensitive or caring about others, being empathetic. He was simply doing what he’d seen others around him do, dealing with life and his emotions with brutality.
Neither boy spoke for a while. Geoff was remembering. Todd was thinking. He realized he had a question.
“Geoff, there’s something I don’t get. Your father makes and sells meth. You’re in high school. That has to be a place he’d want to sell it. You’d be the perfect person to do that. But he isn’t making you sell it here. At least, you didn’t say he was. Why not?”
Todd had thought this might be difficult for Geoff to answer. Had he not told him that in fact he was selling meth at the school? Should he not have asked Geoff this question? He’d not realized till he was halfway through asking it that this might be the case.
Surprisingly, Geoff didn’t squirm or get mad. He smiled!
“I don’t have to worry about that. Because of Mr. McCluskey.”
“Really? Why? He doesn’t know about, about, well, that your family deals meth, does he?”
“Shit, no! If he did, my old man would be put away and probably Allen too, and my little brother and I’d be placed in a group home someplace, because there’s no way in shit my mother could take care of us on her own. She couldn’t hold a job. No way.
“But, as bad as it is at home, I don’t want no part of living in that boys home they have here. At my age, and with my record for beating up kids with the cops, and my school record, no foster family would take me in. No matter what I wanted, I’d get sent to that home. I’ve known kids who were in those. They told me what goes on there. I might be big, but I’m only 15 and they got kids up to 18 in there, and some are really bad dudes. I had my share of my ass being used. I don’t want that again. I don’t get beat on much any more at home unless I’m stupid, and now I’m bigger and know what to do and what not to do. I don’t get raped since Ray’s gone.”
He shifted in his chair again, but it didn’t help. “No, Mr. McCluskey doesn’t know. But he’s what’s kept my father from having me sell the stuff. See, when I first got in trouble with him, which was on my first day of school, he, well, you know how he is. He comes across as this scary dude who’s going to beat the crap out of you. The only thing is, I know a real guy like that, my father, and Mr. McCluskey didn’t scare me. I knew he couldn’t hit me, and him being angry with me? So what? Didn’t bother me at all. So he’s yelling and getting red in the face and all, and I’m grinning at him. Pissed him off so much he got red in his face for real.”
Todd stopped him, wide–eyed. “You mean it’s fake? He’s not really mad?”
“Shit no.” Geoff grinned. “He does it to scare people. After I knew him better, I saw him get red–faced like that with another kid one time and I asked him, when the kid was gone, how he did that. He looked at me with his scowl, and then just started laughing. Best moment I ever had with him. But he didn’t tell me how he did it.”
“Why does he pretend to be so mad?”
“You’ll have to ask him that. I never did. I never cared, and he stopped doing that to me pretty quickly. Anyway, what was I talking about?”
“About why Mr. McCluskey was the reason you don’t have to sell meth at school.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, see, that first time, when he saw he couldn’t get to me by hollering at me, he knew he had to do something else to make me be careful around him. So, what he did was, he took me to my locker and searched it. Right in front of me. Just threw everything out on the floor. Told me he hoped I had drugs in there, or pornography, or someone else’s property, and then he would expel my ass. I didn’t. It was the first day of school. I didn’t have much in there at all. But he did tell me he’d be doing a lot of this if I gave him any problems. And he’d be watching me all the time. I told my old man about it, and he told me he’d been looking forward to me being his school contact for meth. I said we could both get busted, but if he wanted me to, I would. That’s how I’ve got to talk to him. Agree with everything he says. So when I did that, he told me I was stupid and slapped the back of my head and said he’d find another way to sell to the school kids.”
Todd thought about his own life for a moment, and then Geoff’s. He thought about Geoff getting belted around whenever the mood came upon his father. And it made him think of something else he hadn’t been able to get Geoff to help him with. He’d already asked once. He wanted to ask again.
“Geoff? To change the subject, I want to know something. I asked you in the auditorium why you picked on me. You told me I looked vulnerable. Well, what I want to know is, how do I look vulnerable? What makes me look that way? If I know maybe I can change it, so when you’re not around, people don’t look at me as someone to hassle.”
Geoff looked at Todd, then let his eyes scan him. “I never thought about that. I don’t know, really. I can just tell. I just know.”
“Well, you’re looking at me now. What about me tells you I won’t fight back. Is it my size? I can’t change that.”
“Maybe a little, but that’s only some of it. Lots of kids aren’t as big as I am. Most of them. No, it’s something else. A lot of little things.”
“Well, what?”
“Give me a second. I’ve never thought about this before. OK, it’s mostly the way you hold yourself, and your eyes. You’re a little bit scrunched into yourself all the time. You don’t stand up straight, your shoulders are down, there’s a worried look on your face, you never look anyone in the eye, you seem to avoid people. Being by yourself makes you an easy target. If someone says something to you, you get a scared look on you, in your eyes, and if you look frightened, to someone like me that’s like putting a raw steak in front of a starving wolf.”
“You’re saying I should stand up straighter, talk and hang with other kids, act more confident?”
“That’s it! You don’t seem very self–confident. The confident kids don’t get picked on. It isn’t size. I don’t bother confident kids because I just sense that even if I do beat them up, they won’t just take it. They’ll go tell someone. I don’t worry about someone like you doing that. You’d be too scared to.”
Todd was disappointed. “But I can’t be confident just by telling myself to. I can stand up straighter, I guess, and I can look people in the eye, but that’s hard, and I’m not sure I can keep my fear from showing anyway. I’m shy. It’s why I don’t like being in a group of kids. Maybe I can’t just fix this.”
Geoff looked at him, looked at the defeat in his eyes and posture. As uncaring as he was about other people, he was beginning to feel comfortable with Todd. Maybe even someday he could get to like him. But he didn’t have the first clue of how to help him.
»»»» 0 ««««
As Mr. Thomas was serving dinner to Todd and his father, he waited till Todd had taken a bite of meat before saying to the older man, “Sir, I regret to have to inform you that Todd has come home from school late three times this week. I waited to say something, thinking it was an unavoidable delay and there was no reason for any undue concern, but after three days of it, I felt I had to say something, and that I may have been wrong to wait.”
Mr. Mortensen looked up sharply at Todd. Mr. Thomas saw the sudden fear in Todd’s eyes, and smiled, letting Todd see it, then excused himself and went back to the kitchen.
“You’re to be home directly after school every day. You know that. What is the meaning of this? Well?”
Todd had a half–chewed piece of meat in his mouth. Spit it out and he’d get reamed for bad table manners. If he continued chewing and tried to swallow, he felt like it would stick in his throat, as all his saliva had suddenly dried up. He had to do something. His father would not tolerate him not answering immediately.
He took his napkin off his lap and, turning his head to the side, deposited the meat in the napkin, then returned it to his lap. “Father,” he said, his voice unsteady, “I was asked by the vice–principal to stay after school to help another boy who is failing with his schoolwork. I meet him in the library, we work together in full view of the librarian, and when we’re done, I take the late bus home. I come directly home.”
“Why wasn’t I informed of this? What are you trying to hide? Answer me!”
Todd gulped, wondering how angry his father would get this time, and what the repercussions would be. “I wasn’t trying to hide anything, Father. I didn’t tell you simply because I didn’t think I needed to. I am doing what they asked at school, and I can give you the vice–principal’s telephone number if you’d like to check that. I’ll get it from him tomorrow.”
“You didn’t think you needed to? You have strict rules to follow, and you don’t follow them, and you don’t think it important that I know about it, that you need to tell me about it?”
He glared at Todd. Todd knew from experience he was to answer every question asked of him, even ones like this, designed to get him deeper in trouble.
“I think it important to follow the rules. I may have made a mistake. I thought the intent was I come home directly after school, which is what I did. What I do. I am only staying longer than usual because I was asked to.”
“What insolence! You’re not to make decisions for yourself. I make them. You forfeited the right to make decisions! Everything you do has to be cleared through me. I thought you knew that by now. Evidently you’ve forgotten, or didn’t know it in the first place. All right, go to your room. You’re done eating for the day. Go up and think. No electrical devices at all, including lights. No reading. Nothing. Just think. And I want that phone number. Get it tomorrow and call me at work. You’d better hope that man, that vice–principal, verifies your story to the letter. Now get out of my sight. I’m starting to think this is a waste of my time.”
“No, Father, it isn’t. I made a mistake in not telling you, and I’m sorry. I’ll go upstairs and think about it, and try to do better.”
“You won’t try, you will do better. Or I’ll do what we talked about. You can count on that. Now go.”
Todd stood up, laid his napkin on the table, and turned to walk off. After he’d taken several steps and was near the door, his father called after him. “Send Mr. Thomas in. I need to talk to him about his laxity in his oversight of you. I think he needs to spend more time with you.”
»»»» 0 ««««
Todd was in bed and had been sleeping restlessly when he woke. He felt rather than heard the door of his room
open. He waited a moment, then quickly sat up in bed. Mr. Thomas was there, several steps into the room, several
steps from the bed. He was wearing a bathrobe.
“What is it?” Todd asked.
“Oh, sir! I didn’t know you were awake. I do sometimes come in at night just to check if you’re sleeping soundly. Sometimes you are restless, and then I’ll get on the bed, being careful not to awaken you, and comfort you by rubbing you gently till you settle down. I thought you might like that tonight. I know today was difficult. I did suggest you might want to be a bit friendlier. Things can be so much better if everyone is friendly.”
Todd was appalled. “Does my father know you come in here at night?” Seeing Mr. Thomas hesitate, Todd’s voice grew harsher. “I bet he’d be fascinated to know you are joining me in my bed at night.”
“Actually, it was his idea. Well, perhaps not to get in bed with you, but he did ask me to check on you periodically throughout the night. He didn’t want you to be doing anything he didn’t approve of. He doesn’t know about the cuddling. I do that just for you. He wouldn’t be pleased if he knew, I’m sure. But then, he never will. If you tell him, I’ll deny it, and I can be very convincing. I can just say something like, ‘Oh, Mr. Mortensen, he told me he was going to tell you that. The truth is, I caught him masturbating, and told him I’d have to report it to you, and he said he’d make up a story about me if I did.’ He’ll believe me, or course, because he really doesn’t like you very much, and this will be another strike against you, for lying, and then there’ll be the punishment for playing with yourself. No, I don’t think you’ll be telling him anything.”
Todd wanted to fall back and pull the covers over his head, but was afraid if he did, it might encourage Mr. Thomas. Mr. Thomas was getting bolder. He wasn’t sure what to do about that.
“Go away,” he said instead, and glared at the man. Mr. Thomas hesitated, then said, “Have a pleasant night, sir. I’ll check on you later.” He turned and left the room, leaving the door ajar.