Todd began feeling anxious during second period the next day. First period he’d seen Geoff walk into class just before the bell rang, speak briefly to Mr. Hanson, then go to an empty chair in the back of the room which the teacher had pointed at. Todd had found the exchange less dramatic than he’d hoped. Mr. Hanson was a big guy with a sober, no nonsense presence and no one but no one screwed around in his class. He was one of only a few teachers that wore a starched long sleeved white shirt and a tie, and a very staid tie, every day. He frowned a lot and demanded good behavior. If a kid didn’t use proper English when speaking to him, he was corrected and made to rephrase it, saying what he’d said again, but properly. Of course, this was AP English and the kids taking the class for the most part weren’t the sort that screwed around, and most knew how Mr. Hanson was and how to speak without being censured for it. Todd had sort of hoped when Geoff walked in he’d smart off to Mr. Hanson, Mr. Hanson would grab him by the back of his neck and march him down to Mr. McCluskey’s office and that would be the last he’d ever see of him. It hadn’t happened.
Then, in second period, with Geoff again entrenched in the back of the room where Mrs. Justice thought he’d be least disruptive, Todd couldn’t help but think what was coming next. Study hall. Going to the auditorium. Sitting alone with Geoff. Talking about his life.
As the clock moved assiduously toward the end of the period, Todd’s anxiety rose. Then the bell rang.
Todd grabbed his stuff and walked out of the room. He turned and saw Geoff a ways behind him. Without waiting, he moved along the hall, heading towards the auditorium.
He was one of many kids walking down the hall. All seemed oblivious of him, as usual. And then he was shoved from behind. It was hard enough that he stumbled forward into a boy walking in front of him.
“Hey! Get off me! Fag!” The boy who shouted at him was Tom Sweeney, one of the boys who gave him a hard time occasionally. Todd looked back and saw Frank Ryan grinning. Frank and Tom were buddies. They frequently double–teamed their victims.
Tom grabbed Todd’s arm and yanked on it. The two English books he was carrying, the books he hadn’t put in his backpack because of his hurry to get out of class and not have to walk with Geoff, went flying. “That’ll teach you not to bump into me, fag.”
“I didn’t,” Todd started to protest, when suddenly Geoff was there.
“Leave him alone.” Geoff looked first at Frank, then at Tom. His eyes were dark and menacing. Both the other boys looked shocked.
“Since when do you stick up for this little fag?” asked Frank.
Other kids had stopped, and now the four boys were in the middle of a group of onlookers. For once, Todd wasn’t on the ground, and for once people weren’t looking at him as much as at the others.
“Since now. Leave him alone. Now and always. You’ve been warned. If there’s a next time, you get hurt. Now beat it.”
Both boys just stood there, shocked. They couldn’t believe it. Then Geoff, who was bigger than either of them and had a much worse reputation, balled his fist and took a step toward Tom. Tom stepped back quickly, then turned and walked off hurriedly down the hallway. Frank, now by himself and uncomfortable not being supported by his friend, did the same thing, pushing through the crowd and going the other way.
Geoff took a quick look at Todd and saw the look in his eyes. Todd quickly started picking up his books and the few papers that had been in them. Geoff didn’t try to help him, just watched. When Todd was done, they both walked the remaining way to the auditorium, side by side, a very large boy and a very small one, neither saying a word.
The auditorium was dark and empty when they arrived. Only a security light, mounted above the curtain on the stage, was on, shining out towards the chairs. It took a moment for their eyes to become accustomed to the overall dimness.
Geoff walked past a couple of rows of chairs, then plunked into one on the aisle. Todd just stood at the back, looking around. He was feeling a mixture of fear and anger. He was angry about his whole situation. He still didn’t think he deserved detention of any kind, and he certainly didn’t deserve being forced into associating with Geoff; what he deserved was to be left alone. His past experiences with Geoff had led him to both fear and despise the boy. Now, being in a dark room all alone with him was awakening every self–protective instinct he had.
Geoff looked back at him when Todd didn’t come and sit near him. The light was dim, but what there was, was pointing their way, and he could see Todd’s face, and particularly his eyes. What he saw looked just like what he’d seen in the hall with Tom and Frank. He’d seen Todd’s fear, but also had seen despair, and, at the last when the two boys had quickly walked off, hatred.
Geoff wasn’t a stupid boy. That he’d never really thought about what impact his actions had on the kids he bullied wasn’t because of any lack of intelligence. He wasn’t a bit introspective and didn’t think about the kids he hurt; and he certainly didn’t realize that they were simply tools for him to use to dilute his own feelings of aggression and to bolster his own weak self–esteem.
He was in a situation unique to him. He had to be with this boy, do school work with him, protect him, and it wasn’t going to work if the boy was afraid of him. He thought for a moment about how easy it would be to control him with fear, but knew it wouldn’t be possible that way. Not for long. If he tried that, someday Todd would be fed up, or angry, and when talking to Mr. McCluskey in one of their meetings, it would all come out. No matter how much he feared him, Todd would explode and rat him out, and that would be that. Then Geoff would be gone. No, that wouldn’t work at all.
For this to work out, he couldn’t try to control Todd through fear, and in fact, had to stop Todd from being afraid of him. In the long run, Todd being afraid of him would still result in Todd getting him expelled at some point. Todd would get tired of being afraid, eventually, and would realize he could get Geoff expelled just by lying about something, and he’d do it.
Geoff had enjoyed other boys’ fear, he’d caused it and then reveled in it. He had no idea how to do the opposite, take a boy who was afraid of him and change the fear to something else, something that would make them more equal. It wasn’t something he’d ever imagined he’d have to do, or want to do. But it was vitally important now that he do it.
“Hey, kid!”
Todd didn’t respond, just stood inside the closed doors which isolated the auditorium from the rest of the school.
Geoff tried again, softening his voice this time. “Hey, uh, Todd? Come ‘ere.”
Todd backed up so he was up against the doors. His heart was beating faster. And he was hating himself, like he did so often.
Geoff was watching him. He didn’t know when he’d last felt some sympathy for another boy. If he’d been asked why he felt nothing for these boys he hurt, and he’d thought about it, he’d probably have said something along the lines of, ‘Well, I’ve got to take care of myself. They should do the same thing.’ But that wasn’t what he was facing here, and no one was asking him to think about it. Now he was looking at Todd, just watching him, and at the same time he was missing the heightened sense of self he usually felt when he saw fear in the person he was with. He saw clearly how Todd responded to just the sound of his voice, and he did begin to feel something.
“Hey, I’m not going to do anything to you. I just saved your ass outside. If I wanted you hurt, I’d have let those two assholes do it and pretend I didn’t know about it. Come here, we need to talk. Just talk is all.”
He waited, but still Todd simply stood still. Todd heard what Geoff was saying, heard what sounded like a plea in his voice, but his heart was still racing. There was nothing about this situation that gave him any feeling of safety. He didn’t trust Geoff as far as he could throw him, which meant not even a little bit.
Geoff wasn’t sure what to do, but knew he needed to keep trying. “Look, we need to talk. Mr. McCluskey is going to ask if we did. I’ve got to do what he says. This time he’s serious. We’ve got to talk.”
Todd stayed silent and still. Geoff was beginning to want to go and grab him and drag him down here, force him into a chair. He knew how counterproductive that would be, but still….
And then Todd spoke up. His voice was high and shaky, but he spoke loudly enough that Geoff didn’t have any trouble hearing him. “Why? Why have you been hurting me? I didn’t do anything to you.”
Geoff dropped his head. Shit! This wasn’t what they needed to talk about. And he couldn’t talk about that anyway. All he knew was he felt good when he was in control, lording it over other boys, dominating them. But he couldn’t really explain it. And he didn’t want to think about it, either.
Todd saw Geoff’s head drop. He took a step, one step, away from the door. “You hurt me, you know. Every day you hurt me. That doesn’t show you’re tough. It shows you’re mean. Why do you want to do that? And why me? What did I ever do?”
More questions Geoff didn’t know how to answer. How could he tell this boy what he felt like at home? How could he tell him how angry and scared he was most of the time, how he felt at school when the teachers looked at him, how small and powerless he felt then, just like at home? He couldn’t fight back there any more than he could here when the adults teased or humiliated him. He had no way to articulate that when he pushed kids around, he at least had some feeling of power and control in his life.
He didn’t know how to explain those feelings. He’d never thought about them. He’d just done what made him feel good. Well, feel better.
He’d always liked the look of terror in kids’ eyes. Now, looking at Todd’s, he disliked what he was seeing. He wanted to be able to talk to him. He needed to be able to do that. And this kid was too afraid of him to make it possible.
Geoff simply had to make this work. Had to. That thought kept coming back to him. This was his last chance. Mr. McCluskey was serious this time, he knew that. Todd kept asking why. So, maybe he had to answer that, even if he didn’t know how. Tell Todd why. Why him. Why every other kid he’d picked on. Even if he didn’t really understand it himself, he had to talk about it.
He raised his head, looked back at Todd. Todd couldn’t see his face with the one light shining toward them and backlighting Geoff sitting fifteen feet in front of him. But he could see the outline of Geoff’s posture, and it looked, what, less than it had been? It didn’t look aggressive at all. His shoulders were slumped, and he somehow, suddenly, looked less scary than usual. The aura of threat he usually wore like a cloak was missing.
“You want me to tell you? Tell you why?”
“Yes,” Todd replied, a little less fearfully than he’d been speaking before, perhaps even a bit more forcefully. He didn’t move, however.
“OK, I’ll try. Can you come down here, though? Please? This is going to be very hard, and I don’t think I can do it with you way back there. Please? I’m not going to hurt you.” He paused a moment, and when Todd didn’t move, said, “I know you have no reason to believe me.”
Todd stood still for a moment or two longer, but then started moving, walking forward. There’d been something in Geoff’s voice, and that coupled with what he could see of his posture, and his own curiosity about why the boy had been harassing him, convinced Todd to come closer. He was still scared, but he wanted to be able to believe Geoff. If he could, and if Geoff lived up to the trust Todd would be giving him, perhaps the bullying would be over. What had happened in the hall, just minutes ago, was still fresh in his mind. Not being bullied, not thinking about it all the time and being scared of it, would be a prayer answered.
Todd walked down so he was by the row of chairs where Geoff was sitting. He sat down in the chair across the aisle from him. “Why me?” he asked again.
Geoff looked at him, saw the fear still there, and dropped his eyes. He needed Todd not to be so scared, and not looking at him probably would help.
“I don’t know, exactly. You look, well, you look scared, I guess. Like I can do what I want. It makes me feel good to be able to do what I want.”
“Why do you want to do that? I mean, why hurt someone that’s smaller and vulnerable? I see other kids that are about my size, a few that are even smaller. I see kids I could hurt, but I don’t. I don’t have any desire to. I’d feel bad about it, not good. Why do you want to?”
Todd could see frustration on Geoff’s face, and it scared him. He wiggled forward his seat, preparing to run.
But Geoff didn’t do anything but frown. Then he said, “You wouldn’t understand. It’s, well, it’s stuff at home. It’s just hard.”
“You beat me up and hurt me and make me feel small and worthless all because of what’s going on at home?”
“I said you wouldn’t understand.” Then, softer, “I’m not sure I do.”
Todd paused a moment, then asked, “What about the way I feel? Doesn’t that matter?”
“Truthfully? No, not at all.”
“I hate you, you know. I don’t even like being in the same room with you. If I could hurt you, I would. I’d give almost anything to be able to hit you as hard as I could, make you hurt, and not get hurt back.”
Geoff raised his eyes again, and saw a stiffer resolve in the boy, the very first resolve he’d ever seen in him. Good. Maybe this was working.
“You can, you know. Hurt me. Hurt me bad.”
“No I can’t. You’re twice my size. More than that.”
“Yes you can. You can hurt me worse than I ever hurt you. All you have to do is lie to Mr. McCluskey. That’s all. Tell him anything. Tell him I punched you. Or threatened you. Or didn’t protect you. Then you’ll never see me again.”
Todd didn’t say anything. Just sat and looked at Geoff. Then he stood up. He took two steps up the aisle before stopping and looking back. “Good idea. I’ll do that.” And he quickly left the auditorium.
“Wait!” yelled Geoff, and jumped up out of his seat. But Todd was already gone, and when he got to the doors and through them, when he looked down the hall, he couldn’t see him.
»»»» 0 ««««
Todd didn’t know what to expect in gym that day. It had been awful for him before. No one supervised the locker room or showers, and even in the gym itself, there was only one man running the entire program, which meant a lot could happen that wasn’t noticed. But, Todd thought, Geoff was now in his gym class. Maybe that would make it better for him. He hoped Geoff was no longer a threat. He hoped he might act like he had in the hall.
A few other boys in that class had taken turns either humiliating or being physical with him. He’d gotten a reputation as someone that wouldn’t fight back when anything was done to him, and the ones who were of the mindset to do so took advantage of it.
Usually it began as he was dressing out with everyone else. It was catcalls and insults most often, but occasionally he’d get knocked into, or some article of clothing would be taken. It was required that all boys dress out in the school tee and shorts, white socks and jock, and sneakers. Stealing his jockstrap and throwing it in a urinal or a toilet had happened a few times, and his tee shirt and shorts had been taken once, too. Had he complained, the gym teacher would have stopped it, but he never complained, being scared to do so, and so the teacher was unaware and the harassment continued. He’d taken to keeping a spare set of everything in his locker so he didn’t have to fish a jock out of wherever it had been thrown, or his shorts or shirt, and wear it wet.
Today, he stripped and was ready to pull on his jock, standing facing his locker, when the jock was yanked out of his hand. This was usually when it happened. His tormentors wanted him chasing them around the room naked. He never did, but they seemed to keep hoping one time he’d get mad and do it.
He gritted his teeth but didn’t turn around. Instead, he waited a moment, hoping whoever it was would run away, and reached for his spare jock.
Then, it too was grabbed away from him. He heard a cackle and turned to see Frank Ryan holding both his jocks up high and laughing. “Got any more in there, fag? Might as well throw them all out in the hallway at once. Then I’m going to push you out there too!”
Other boys were crowding around. Frank was enjoying the audience, enjoying seeing Todd standing naked and helpless in front of him.
“Give it back.” It wasn’t Todd who said it.
Frank looked at where the voice was coming from at the edge of the crowd. Geoff was there, and walking toward him.
Frank didn’t want this little scene with Todd to end. He was enjoying himself too much. Frank was smaller than Geoff, but his confidence was bolstered by the large group of boys surrounding him, some of them egging him on. They felt like support to him. So he turned to face Geoff and said, “This isn’t anything to do with you. This is between the fag and me.”
Then Geoff was in front of Frank. He reached out and grabbed Frank by the back of his neck, then hit him hard in the stomach, and when Frank was bent over, Geoff grabbed the jocks from his hand and tossed them to Todd, and then still holding on to the back of Frank’s neck, he pulled the boy through the locker room to the showers. He turned one on to cold and shoved the boy, dressed in his gym clothes, under it, and held him there till he was drenched and yelling. Then he yanked him out and hit him in the stomach again and let go. Frank collapsed on the shower floor, his hands holding his stomach, and Geoff turned and walked back into the locker room, pushing through the crowd of boys now standing in the shower room doorway.
They were all silent as they looked from Frank to Geoff, who had an angry expression on his face. He was just past them when he stopped and turned back around, facing them. “Listen. No one fucks with Todd anymore. You do, I’ll beat the crap out of you. No more. Even if I’m not around, I’ll hear about it, and you’ll go down.”
Then he turned and walked to his own locker.
Voices started up at once. But no one said anything to Todd. He looked around and saw people glancing his way, saw curiosity on their faces, but that was all.
They were learning to do some gymnastics basics in gym that day, being spotted on various equipment by the coach and a few seniors. Todd was waiting his turn on the horse, standing in line, when the boy behind him tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, not knowing what to expect, and saw one of the boys he’d noticed in that class before. He was a thin, blond boy. Todd had noticed him because he was cute and because he was one of the few boys his own size. The boy was looking at him with an expression on his face that Todd recognized immediately because he wore it so often himself. The boy was shy.
Todd looked at him without speaking for a moment, but the boy didn’t seem to have anything to say, or at least didn’t have the courage to say it. He looked down at the floor after a moment. Todd watched him for another second or two, then turned back around. When he did, he heard the boy say, very softly to his back, “I’m sorry.”
»»»» 0 ««««
At their assigned meeting after school that night, Mr. McCluskey looked at the two boys sitting in front of him. Something was different. It was subtle, but it was there. The dynamic between them was different. He studied them, trying to figure out what it was. They were both looking at him. Both sitting expressionless in their chairs. What was it?
As he studied them, he was impressed by the contrast between the two. Almost nothing matched. Geoff was large and lumpy, his face usually had an air of superior and scornful disdain, his complexion was that of many a pimply teen who didn’t get good dermatological care. His eyes were deep–set and too close together, and if he ever washed and combed his hair, it hadn’t been recently. His clothes looked well worn and rumpled, and had been cheap when they were new. He rarely sat in a chair; he lounged.
Todd, on the other hand, was good looking in a somewhat different way from normal. His face was long where Geoff’s was round, it was narrow, indeed almost bony to where the bone structure beneath the skin could be easily seen. His features were regular, but slightly offbeat; he had a very distinctive look, very individual. He had well–maintained dark hair, combed and fashionably cut in a style that surrounded his face and looked good on him. If his dark eyes, almost too large for his face and quite expressive, had been lively and energetic, had they showed his intelligence or any spirit, he’d certainly have been thought of as cute, perhaps even handsome. Instead, his eyes were perpetually downcast, and when seen, usually fearful. Those eyes, combined with his shrinking body language, prevented anyone from seeing anything prepossessing about his looks. Instead, they emphasized the fact he was small and fragile. His overall appearance was of someone who didn’t want to be where he was, no matter where. Even his expensive clothes didn’t change that.
Mr. McCluskey looked at them, saw differences from the previous day, and took some time trying to decide what made them look that way. And then it came to him. Both were looking at him. Yesterday, Todd spent most of his time looking at his lap. And there was something else, too. Geoff’s expression then had been his usual mix of defiance and insouciant bravado. At least at first. But now, today, he didn’t have any expression at all. But there was something in his eyes, something that looked like uncertainty. With any other boy, he might read it as fear. That couldn’t be the case here, however. Fear was not something Mr. McCluskey ever expected to see on Geoff’s face. Yet, his eyes…. And the way he was slouching in his chair, too. He usually sat almost on his back, with his feet reaching as far in front of him as they could. Today, he was more upright than usual, but still looked slumped, huddled.
Yes, both boys’ postures were different. He’d swear Todd was sitting a little taller, his head higher, while Geoff’s head was a little lower. Odd. He had expected both boys to change, but not in one day. If it happened at all, he’d thought it would be over time, and would be a struggle to achieve. That’s why he’d given Todd two weeks with Geoff. He was sure it would take at least that long.
He didn’t really have time to ponder this. It was time to speak.
“OK. Geoff, you had different classes today. Then you both went to the auditorium and talked to each other, told each other who you are. How did that go? Todd, what did you learn about Geoff?”
Geoff moved ever so slightly in his chair but didn’t turn to look at Todd. Mr. McCluskey saw it. He tended to see everything. He didn’t know what it meant, but he saw it.
Todd was looking right at Geoff. He didn’t speak right away, however. Mr. McCluskey just waited.
Todd turned slowly to look from Geoff back to Mr. McCluskey. Then he answered. “Not much, yet. We just spoke a little.”
“I want to know what was said,” was Mr. McCluskey’s gruff response. “For all I know, you guys didn’t even meet up in there. Maybe you just blew it off. Tell me something you learned about him. That’s the only way I know you’ve satisfied my requirements.”
Todd stared at the man. He still felt some intimidation, but was surprised to realize it wasn’t anything like what he’d felt the day before. Then he surprised himself a little more.
“I’m not going to tell you everything we said. You can’t expect me to, and even if you do, you’re not going to get it.” Todd was surprised at the strength of his words, which were in part fueled by the injustice he felt, had felt since yesterday.
Then he saw the growing scowl and reddening face of Mr. McCluskey and his voice became more timid. He quickly retrenched. “If you want proof we spoke, OK, I can give you that. One thing I learned about Geoff. He’s a bully and picked on me because I looked vulnerable to him. Doing that made him feel good.”
“He told you that?!” Mr. McCluskey sat up straighter, lost his scowl and looked back and forth between the two boys. Todd was staring back at him with no expression at all on his face. Geoff, who’d dropped his eyes when Todd had first began to speak, was now looking at the other boy with a puzzled expression.
Mr. McCluskey was about to speak when he stopped. Neither boy was acting as he expected. Something was going on here. Todd was not being as forthcoming as he expected him to be, he didn’t seem nearly as cowed as he had been yesterday. Geoff was acting weird, too, for him. Mr. McCluskey didn’t like not knowing what was going on. He was almost always in control when he spoke with kids, and he wasn’t here. This just didn’t happen.
However, he had an agenda, and perhaps what he was seeing here was OK; perhaps even what he was looking for. He wasn’t sure, he didn’t know if he was reading what he was seeing correctly. But maybe this was OK. The only thing he’d expected from these two for at least a week had been animosity, and thought during that time he might have to be prying them apart, or more likely, pulling Geoff off Todd.
But, seeing what was going on here, he didn’t think he should interfere. He wasn’t sure what was happening but letting it play itself out seemed wise at this point. So, he didn’t spit out the sarcastic remark that was on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he sat back in his seat and simply regarded the two boys. When he spoke, it was still sharply, but also modulated.
“OK. Enough of that. Geoff. What about your new classes?”
Geoff sat up straighter. “What about them? I don’t understand them at all. If you want me to fail, you put me in the right place. I don’t have a clue what’s going on.”
“You didn’t in your other classes, either, so there’s no change there. Geoff, you’re not dumb. You’re lazy and you don’t try. I don’t want you to fail. I want you to graduate from this school. It’ll be my crowning moment if you do. If I wanted you out, I’ve got plenty on you already, enough to get rid of you. Just try this. Give it a shot. Todd’s going to bust his balls to help you. Aren’t you, Todd?”
The question caught Todd by surprise. He turned to look at Geoff, who was studying his fingernails. Todd’s eyes back on Mr. McCluskey, he said, “Only if he makes an effort.”
“You will if he tries?” Mr. McCluskey sounded surprised. And pleased.
Todd realized he’d just committed himself. He hadn’t meant to. Why had he said that?
Then he thought, there’s no way Geoff will put in the effort, so it doesn’t matter. He had nothing to worry about. So, he nodded to Mr. McCluskey.
Mr. McCluskey smiled. He couldn’t help himself. This might actually work, he thought. Then he scowled again, trying to regain character, and said, “OK, that’s it. Library. See you both here tomorrow.”
»»»» 0 ««««
In the library, Todd walked to a table. There were only a few kids there, this late, and in the large room filled with many tables it was easy to find a place far from anyone else. The tables took up the middle section of the room; the librarian’s desk stood near the door, and then rows and rows of bookshelves filled up the rear. More shelves were built into the walls on the perimeter.
Todd laid the backpack he’d retrieved from his locker on the table and sat down.
Geoff looked awkward in the library. Todd could easily believe this was his first time in the room. Geoff looked around, then chose a chair directly across the table from Todd.
“What do you want to study?” asked Todd, speaking softly.
“How about Alma Torsteen’s tits?” Geoff tried a cocky smile and didn’t entirely pull it off.
Todd looked at him, then stood up and began putting the books he’d been taking out of his backpack in again.
“Wait! Shit! Sit down.”
Todd’s eyes focused on Geoff’s, and then he reluctantly sat back down. He perched on the edge of the chair, as if he was ready to go at the slightest motivation. What he said was, “Speak softer. You’ll get us both thrown out.”
Geoff opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again. He wriggled in his chair and looked around the library. Finally, he looked at Todd again. When he spoke, it was indeed softer.
“Shit. This is hard. Look, why didn’t you do it? All you had to do was say almost anything to Mr. McCluskey.”
Todd stared back at him. It was difficult for him. Geoff still scared him. Even recognizing he now had the upper hand, he still was scared. But he so wanted not to be so afraid all the time, not to be afraid of Geoff in particular. Maybe this was his chance to learn how to be brave. He wanted and needed that, and this was a chance. He was going to take it. Fearful or not.
“You really want to know why I didn’t lie to him?”
“Yeah. I thought you would. I almost didn’t even go to the meeting. But I have to stay in school, and I know McCluskey will expel me if I don’t do what he wants. Then I thought you’d lie to him, so it didn’t make any difference if I went or not. So I wanted to split. I was sure you’d rat me out, so why not just split and not have to deal with McCluskey? But I said, fuck it, and went to the meeting. And then, you didn’t do that. Why not?”
Todd met his eyes. “Because of what you said.”
“What did I say?”
“You said it was hard at home. I can understand that.”