The hike down off the mountain the following day was like re-entering a familiar world but with a new vision of life. It was amazing what they had discovered together during that one wonderful night.
The mind game they had played, and all its ramifications, had kept them up half the night examining and attempting to fathom the meaning in that wonderful act. In the end they both realized it was only a glimpse of greater things to come.
“To study the way of the Buddha is to study oneself. To study oneself is to forget oneself. To forget oneself is to be enlightened by everything.” John had recited last night and Alan felt a door open in his mind, one that would never ever close again.
“Meditation is the key to realization,” John had said. “Your powers could extend to the limits of the universe if you understand that self is only an illusion. Our feet are made to move ourselves forward one step at a time, but there is no self to the believer who experiences freedom from a self-centered existence. Does this mean he cannot walk? This person will stride the world with his heart and mind liberated from suffering. The Buddha asks us to be a lamp unto ourselves. This means we must test the teachings we are given for ourselves.”
“But Namkhai is the source of all this great knowledge,” Alan protested, “I should really be able to learn the Way only from a wise teacher.”
“To become what?” John challenged, “Another teacher? If all were teachers who would be students? If every man became a monk and every woman a nun, who would populate the world? Mankind would perish if we were not reborn for lack of a vehicle. No, Alan, knowledge is only part of the universe we all share. It gives us purpose. Namkhai seeks to impart the training that allows you to control the Inner Eye of the Mind. He won’t tell you how to use it. You’ll have to accept that this training is only a beginning, but I’ll be there to help you.”
“So, just as there are teachers there must be students, and students can learn from each other. I can’t imagine becoming a monk. I think it requires a totality of commitment I just don’t have in me,” Alan said.
“Agreed, right now I don’t think I could make that commitment either, does that make you happy?”
“Yes, it does…and I’m thankful,” Alan said. “We both have so much going on in our lives, aren’t we better off being out there in the midst of the battle instead of being in a monastery praying all the time? I can accept Buddhism and still spend the rest of my life coming to terms with the teachings, that’s gonna be hard. You’ve already begun and sometimes I don’t know how you do it?”
“Because I want to cast off the chains, I want to be free of the self-image and fakery that we both see every day at school. Those people haven’t a clue what path they’re on. I already have a destination in mind. I may be years ahead in practice, Alan, but you have a gift many would give a life or two to obtain. It must be wonderful to know how much you could benefit others.”
“But I couldn’t do it without you, John. I don’t think I would want to. This gift has allowed me to reach out to you. What we just experienced I could never share with another creature. It might harm them whereas it gives meaning to us.”
“I’m sure love has never been so well defined,” John laughed. “I must remember to thank all the powers that be you’re so devoted to me.”
That one special night left them wrapped in each other’s arms for warmth and devotion. Alan had transcended his protestant feelings and became Buddhist in heart and mind. Namkhai could not have inspired a better transformation. But even so, Alan had this nagging feeling that the monk was sitting somewhere in the back of his mind and guiding the way of things.
He would accept Namkhai as mentor. That would be possible because he knew John would never be far away. But now there was work to do and Alan was most anxious to begin the journey back to the monastery.
For his part, John had surrendered completely to the need for physical love. The very act left him trembling in awe and confounded that he had not given in before to these glorious feelings. Maybe it was because he had resisted the idea of actually being gay for such an extended period of his life.
But he also knew it was because of Alan’s comfort with himself as a gay person that things had changed. He knew love because they found it within the community of men. Genuine people like Louie had slowly broken down all resistance to the truth. There was no kidding himself anymore, he was gay and the boy walking beside him was the future of his life. Now if he could only get his parents to understand. He would have to approach that barrier carefully.
And so they stumbled down the trail, physically tired but spiritually refreshed and ready to face the next challenge, which at the moment seemed to be Namkhai. Of course the monk would probably already know what had happened on the mountain. Alan’s mind had expanded once again and Namkhai was tuned to seek out such changes in the boy.
Alan didn’t feel either defiant or contrite about the way he and John had shared that vision. But now he felt capable of accepting the wisdom of the Nine and hoped that Namkhai was up to the challenge of teaching him.
Alan’s legs trembled with the effort of resisting the slippery slide down hill, but except for that, what John had done between them all night still brought a smile to his face. Wow, the boy was a hot lover. Louie would say he had scored big time, but then he’d already known it would be wonderful. Of course John had a slightly different angle; he loved the idea that someone loved him. He accepted simple whereas Alan was always after some complex answer.
They stumbled past the barn and down the path to the rear gate. It was time for a meal and then a bath before settling in for prayer and meeting. But first Alan had to find Namkhai, to end the suspense for them both. The monk was in the office talking with the secretary so Alan waited patiently in the hallway.
“Master Alan, you have returned to us so soon, we did not expect you back until tonight,” He said.
“My body went there to find an answer and instead my mind found a purpose. I came to tell you it would be great honor if you would teach me the path.”
Namkhai smiled and nodded his head as Alan bowed to show respect for the lama chosen to guide his life.
“So we shall begin,” The monk said. “To the uninitiated it will seem like a ponderous task but I have no doubt you will succeed. Perhaps the boy I once knew has become enlightened by putting aside himself and instead choosing to accept everything.”
“Yes, teacher,” Alan said.
“Then tomorrow we will light the lamp together and turn the page. There will be little time and only a basic understanding will follow. But you shall carry the lamp with you when you go and we will meet again sooner than you might expect. Go wash and feed your body so the mind may take its nourishment, you will need great strength.”
Joy suffused his tired limbs as Alan trudged down the hall to the bath. John was already in the wash room and the sight of their naked bodies made them both smile as they washed. Alan felt he could probably stare at John’s body for hours. Damn, the boy had a cute ass.
Alan poured a bucket of hot water over himself and felt the luxury of it strip away the deep ache in his muscles. Now if only he could get these monks to make a decent soap, something that would produce a little lather, this might become a fun experience.
At the table John shared their experience with the Buddhist brothers, at least the part about the natural beauty of the mountains. Josh’s face held a secret smile. He would only be guessing at the truth, no one would ever know about what had really transpired.
Josh always seemed so taken in by the beauty of the natural wonders around him up here in the forest. It had to be quite a change for a city boy and Alan was glad he had finally been accepted here. He cared for the herd of goats, cows and chickens as he might have cared for his family, if they had only bothered to return his affection.
Alan attended the afternoon prayers and thanked the Buddha for his life with John. He thought about Tommy as well. If only it had been within his powers to heal the child. But then even now he didn’t know if that was possible. He prayed that Tommy might be reborn into the world and soon.
Alan’s body was tired but his mind was defiantly active. He was sure that some change within had finally given him control over the visions. Maybe it was because there was safety with Namkhai guarding him so closely. He prayed for the enlightenment of his teacher.
The Buddhist protest movement this spring was going to be quite public and Alan began to see a purpose in all of this. He would be there with Namkhai and surely the two of them would be able to influence some of the minds they encountered. He knew it was not Namkhai’s way to enter minds unbidden and therefore it should not be his either. Persuasion was one thing but a frontal assault would not be possible without abusing the power.
He prayed for guidance to use the gift to the best of his abilities to end the war. The radioman was never far from his thoughts. He mourned for the man’s loss of love and hoped he would survive. He prayed for the poor soldier in whose body he had experienced that moment of pure agony. May his transgressions against his fellow man be forgiven. Since he had paid the ultimate price for his error, Alan thought he deserved another chance.
Alan would never know what had brought all those men together in that jungle clearing, except that they all were suffering. He looked up at the Buddha and saw that tonight he seemed to be smiling benevolently. The Buddha knew all about him. He had walked only a short while on the path to enlightenment but already Alan knew there was a place for him here.
The rest of his day was performed in a fog. Namkhai was kind and allowed the boy to leave his studies early. John didn’t look much better when they sat down for supper a short time later.
It would have to be an early night, Alan realized after nodding off during the evening prayers. The hard straw covered pallet seemed like a soft mattress as he lay his head down and mumbled a good night to John who was already fast asleep.
Alan’s mind snapped awake about thirty seconds before the temple bell sounded. He turned on the light as the echo of the bell’s tone faded away in the cold morning air. John groaned but they were both up and heading for the washroom five minutes later.
The morning prayers were followed by a decent breakfast of oatmeal and tea. After the prayers, Alan went and sat in the small library until Namkhai came for him, he didn’t have long to wait.
“Good Morning, my student,” Namkhai said.
“Good Morning, my teacher,” Alan replied.
“Please go to the kitchen and fetch me three oranges and a knife,” the monk asked.
“Yes sir,” Alan replied.
The cook smiled and gave him a plate and knife, pointing to the pantry door where the fruit was kept. He picked three good looking oranges from the crate and took them back to the library.
“Good,” Namkhai said as he returned. “Now let us go see our Master.”
Alan was puzzled, he thought of Namkhai as the master. Who else here had knowledge beyond that of his teacher? They crossed the dark courtyard and went through the doors into the hallway behind the temple. When he reached the stairs to the aviary Namkhai stopped and Alan was shocked, was it Deeban? Could he be a Master of the Inner Eye? He almost dropped the plate and Namkhai steadied his hand.
“I will tell you something before we go up. Deeban is my great-uncle and quite an educated man. His elderly status allows him the freedom to tend the birds and do small chores around the monastery. But do not be fooled by his age, he is Master and we are both his servants. I can tell you only this much now but you will understand soon enough.”
“Thank you for the knowledge,” Alan offered and they began to climb the stairs.
The birds greeted them with morning songs and Alan felt relieved that this was the place chosen to begin his training. To him it would always be a special place and he felt John’s spirit close beside him in support. Namkhai gestured to the cushions facing the windows and they sat, waiting for the Master to appear and occupy the third cushion.
Alan could not have been more surprised when Deeban finally walked in wearing a tall quilted cap and purple robes trimmed in gold. Namkhai bowed to the floor in greeting and Alan followed suit.
“Ahh, you have finally come, Master Alan,” Deeban said, “Welcome.”
“I am your humble servant,” Alan replied.
“The many lessons in training are written in a language you will not yet understand,” Namkhai began, “I will be the translator for now. Please place the offering plate before you.”
Alan moved the dish, centering it before him and Namkhai removed all but one orange from the plate. “Please cut the orange in half if you would, placing the knife so that you cut across the segments of the fruit.”
Alan cut through the soft skin of the orange and the two halves sat rocking back and forth on the plate. He saw nothing unusual about them. Deeban asked a question in Tibetan, Namkhai translated the words to him.
“How many segments are in this fruit?” The question was asked.
Alan counted. “There are nine, sir,” He replied. Deeban spoke again through Namkhai.
“Nine segments make up the whole orange. What if I told you that every orange you cut open will have the same number of segments inside. Please go ahead, choose another orange and test my statement.”
“I don’t need to, Master,” Alan replied, “You have already told me what I will find and it would waste good fruit to cut them open.”
Namkhai nodded and Alan knew he had passed some sort of test, the smile that came to Deeban’s lips confirmed it. The old man picked up a piece of the fruit and sucked greedily of the juice inside. Namkhai placed the other oranges to one side.
“We have tested several persons in the past three years, you are the only one to give the expected answer,” Namkhai said. “A student may doubt the wisdom of a teacher, but the word of a Master is beyond such questioning. If I had offered you the test it would have been wise to cut all of them open.
“The Master has six students at this time. You will become the seventh and the only American. Three are Tibetan, including myself, two are Japanese and one is French. Five are monks and now two are not. The Master will only accept nine students and then he will step down so one of us will take his place. I tell you all of this so you may know the order in which our path follows.”
Deeban spoke again and Namkhai listened intently before turning back to Alan.
“The Master admonishes you to seek the Way to Enlightenment by following the Eightfold Path. There will be time for you to study the wisdom of the Buddha and he suggests you work diligently with your friend in seeking that knowledge. He is aware of your relationship with Master John. Having seen with his own eyes the love and commitment you both share he will not speak against it. It is a good thing that you have such strength to stand beside you, Master Alan. I am surprised, he does not usually comment on these things.”
“I am grateful for his wisdom and acceptance,” Alan said, “Without John I would have faltered and my commitment would be meaningless.”
Deeban nodded and Namkhai said, “Then let us begin.”
His expectations about learning to control the Inner Eye were certainly nothing like what actually happened. Alan was familiar with the concept of rituals but there were none, at least not something to be seen. Here it was all mental, just as it should be amongst men who seek power from another plane of reality.
They composed themselves and the two men began a strange chant, a totally unfamiliar mantra. The words were not Tibetan, or if they were it was some ancient tongue Alan had never heard. He picked out parts of the chant, closed his eyes and joined in where he could. Soon it began to make sense and he found himself repeating the whole thing. Everything seemed still except for the drone of the chant. Even the birds in their cages had become silent.
A sparkling glow of flowing light emerged in Alan’s mind, seeming to glitter right behind his eyelids. He felt almost weightless and a bit nauseated so he opened his eyes for a second. They were still in the room but now all three were floating about twelve inches off the floor. It was an incredible feeling and Alan looked up to see Deeban staring at him, testing his reaction. The air around them shimmered with the sparkle, dazzling his sight and forcing him to close his eyes again. Then he felt another presence in his mind and knew the monks had joined with him.
The image of Deeban held a large book in his hands and they sat down in the emptiness of his mind to have a conversation.
“The wisdom of the Nine is thousands of years old,” Namkhai said. “This book in the Master’s hands contains the writings of how we use the Inner Eye for the benefit of mankind. You may only know that it is one book of many for the Inner Eye is only one power of many given to the Nine.”
Alan didn’t know what to say or think about this statement, he wasn’t in control here. The only thoughts that became apparent were the ones Deeban now directed towards him, it took a moment but he began to understand the words even though they were not in English.
“The Eye is the messenger of light and the enemy of darkness. Choose wisely the path you walk as the Eye seeks only truth. Keep silent about the lessons you learn with this power lest you find yourself consumed by the passions of ego and stumble on the Path. Learn to recognize the symbols of hatred that mark the enemy of light and avoid the darkness cast by their lies.”
Alan found a series of symbols appearing before him, and each one seemed to emboss itself in his gray matter. The symbols were replaced by words and mantras, again in that strange foreign tongue but now it all made sense.
Thoughts and feelings came at him too. Washing across his mind either like flames so hot he could not focus on the heat for fear of being consumed or moments so cold he felt like he was sitting on Arctic tundra. Like a sponge his mind was soaking in all these things at an incredibly fast pace…but could he remember it all? Several times he saw the figure of Namkhai holding forth certain books of knowledge which the Master read aloud, it gave him comfort to know that Namkhai was there.
The voices and symbols finally coalesced into a pure vision. The image was of a vast plane upon which sat nine flowing balls of light. He knew these were the Nine Masters, present here to judge him. Their power made him shudder with anxiety, producing a ripple in the fabric of the plane.
The reaction was immediately halted as a ball of that strange light quickly approached and absorbed him into its core. Alan now knew it as the wisdom of his Master and with a shock he realized that Deeban was actually one of the Nine. From within this light Alan felt great strength and knowledge flowing into his mind, Deeban was teaching him the Path.
Somehow through the wall of brightness that surrounded them Alan began to realize that his mind was producing the force that kept them suspended these few inches off the cushions. Even as the cinema of words and feelings played on in his head, he had focused on the means of this suspension. He found that a mere wisp of thought could move them up and down, left or right. He had been entrusted with the power by these wise men and as he ended that thought they were dumped unceremoniously on their rear ends with a thump.
Deeban looked at Namkhai and they both broke up laughing until tears rolled down their cheeks. Alan had never seen monks express such hilarity before, he was shocked and then pleased to join the laughter.
“Oh, Master Alan,” Namkhai said, trying to stifle his laugh, “You bring great joy to an old man and his nephew. You see, I did the same thing to us both when I was first initiated. Unfortunately, I dropped us twenty feet over the side wall to my uncle’s house. Only his powers prevented us from great harm that day. I am grateful to see that the temptation to cease levitation was in us both.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that would happen,” Alan said, he was totally embarrassed.
“Some lessons are learned by applying the power, or in this case withdrawing it. Each way can have consequences as we both already know,” Namkhai said.
Deeban said something in Tibetan and this time both Alan and Namkhai smiled.
“Are you hungry, Master Alan?” The question was asked and Alan realized he now understood the Tibetan language.
“Uh, why yes, I am,” Alan replied in the same language. He looked out the windows and saw the sun, but it was setting towards the horizon. Holy Cow, they’d been here all day.
“The supper bell will ring shortly,” Namkhai said. “Say your farewells and I will see you at evening prayer. Just remember, a show of your new powers would be inappropriate so concentrate on not floating off the ground when you pray.” He chuckled once again.
Alan prostrated himself, forehead on the floor in front of Deeban, the bow meant to convey his everlasting gratitude for the gift of wisdom. The old Master leaned forward and Alan felt a hand touch his shoulder and pull him up.
“You have learned well today,” Deeban said. Alan felt the words go right into his mind, the monk’s lips never moved.
“I have seen wonders,” Alan replied, mind to mind. “I made the right choice in coming here. The Master has honored me.”
“It is for us to know who I am,” Deeban cautioned. “The power we hold is best kept out of the light whenever possible but never too far into the dark. We will speak again of these matters.”
Alan rose and bowed, “My Master and my Teacher.” He turned and descended the stairs into the hallway below. Behind him he heard the birds resume their chattering and the voices of the two monks talking affectionately as only close family would.
As he headed for the supper table Alan paused to watch the light fade out beyond the trees to the West. His hands grasped the wooden railing and felt the rough texture resonate under his fingers. His senses were heightened. His mind was receiving tactile signals better and stronger now.
A movement across the snow covered courtyard, a small bird seeking food and yet Alan could see every detail on its feathers as it darted by. This was amazing. His stomach growled as he caught the scent of curried rice coming from the kitchen, but then his nose had always been his strongest sense so he followed it to supper.
John looked relieved to see him and passed a plate heaping with goodies.
“Wow, you’ve been gone all day,” He said.
“Really? It felt like only a few minutes actually,” Alan replied. “I’ll tell you what I can later, okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” John said. Alan squeezed the hand placed on his thigh under the table and grinned like a fool with his mouth full of rice. He was overwhelmed by what had happened. But this was not the place to share those feelings. John caught the glance and seemed to understand.
Josh had given him a smile as Alan sat down at the table. The boy was beginning to enjoy his place in this monastery. Alan thought there must be something he could do for the boy, some gift that would bring him happiness and contentment in his newly chosen life.
In just a few short days they would be leaving this place. Although they would surely return here again it would never be quite the same. The river will continue to flow, Alan thought, yet we will not see each other in the same way ever again.
He could not be saddened at leaving behind new friends whose lives would be changed when next they met. Josh was probably going to make his commitment or take his vows, whatever Buddhists did, within the next three or four years. But if the Rinpoche was going to be in Washington then Josh would be there, too, Alan was sure. There was so much more about the boy he wanted to know and he realized that his gift would not give him peace until those questions were resolved.
Alan sat in his usual place for the evening prayers, with Namkhai on his left and John on his right. Mindful of his teacher’s warnings, Alan turned his mind to heavy thoughts, ones that would hold him firmly on the ground.
He wondered what his parents would say if they learned what had manifest itself in their only child. He had been a difficult adolescent and was sure they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. It occurred to him that these new powers of concentration would make schoolwork a breeze and he looked forward to testing the theory. The return to school was only six days away. It should have been a bummer, but now he couldn’t wait.
John had been writing up an article for the school newspaper, a declaration of their peaceful intent to start the anti-war group. He knew the editor of the paper and she had promised to publish it, but only if Principal Rouse would allow it.
John had taken the lead in writing the manifesto for action but he hadn’t shown it to anyone including Alan. Rouse would probably be a tough nut to crack. He was an establishment type. But Alan thought that maybe he would listen to reason now, especially when he was up against their new powers of persuasion.
Sharing today’s experience with John would be tricky. He couldn’t really describe everything that had happened. For his part, John was smart enough not to push, knowing Alan could deny him nothing if he did.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” John had written the quote from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream on the cover of Alan’s English notebook. Now that his mind was expanded, love for John would certainly take on a whole new dimension.
“I just wish I could tell you more,” He told John as they sat on the sleeping pallet later that evening. “So much happened today. Once I sort it out it will be easier to describe.”
“Am I supposed to know these things?” John asked.
“Namkhai said I could tell you a lot. And to tell the truth, I was kind of hoping you might help me understand it all,” Alan smiled.
What he managed to convey was a true sense of wonder at discovering the immense power the Inner Eye gave him. He couldn’t reveal Deeban’s identity so he told John a truth, Namkhai had produced a vision of learning today and his head was so filled with things it was still confused.
“Does this mean you were initiated into some kind of secret society?” John asked.
“I don’t know really and I mean that. I saw images and symbols in my mind like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Namkhai and those like him have great powers. The Inner Eye is only a small part of the whole. I do know he is aware of the experience we had up on the mountain, it was a little embarrassing.”
“I guess I understand, there have been times when the things I’ve read made no sense until I got more pieces of the puzzle,” John said. “Don’t worry about it, as you learn more it should start to have a clearer meaning.”
“I do feel safer now,” Alan said. “If I have any more of those traveling visions I’ll be able to control myself better.”
“Just don’t forget how to do what we did up on the mountain,” John laughed. “That was awesome.”
“Oh, I’ll never forget how to do that. Maybe there will be other things we can share too,” Alan suggested.
“Oh, that one’s enough for right now, please. I’m not sure how many of those I could handle either.”
They bedded down for the night but Alan’s brain was still turning over the lessons they had covered today, keeping him up until he heard John’s soft snores. Alan snuggled in close and began to project a slight aura around them both as he drifted off to sleep.
He and John were lying on a beach in warm sand with miles of clear blue water stretching away to the horizon before them. They took a stroll along the waterline, holding hands and sharing the beauty under the warm rays of the sun. All thoughts of a cold monastery tucked away in the hills were banished from Alan’s mind, life was sweet and John was the sweetest part of it.
They awoke to the bell and Alan snapped on the light. Two more days, he thought to himself.
“I had the most wonderful dream last night,” John said. “We were lying on a magnificent beach, somewhere in the Caribbean I guess. Man, but it wasn’t here, it was warm.”
“Maybe we should take a trip down there,” Alan suggested.
“Yeah. Wouldn’t that be sweet?”
Alan pulled on jeans and two shirts, smiling the whole time. He hadn’t entered John’s mind since that would have been wrong. Instead he had just cast an aura around them both so that John was capable of receiving his thoughts. They were so in tune with one another John had jumped right into the dream. Oh, Alan thought, life is going to be so different from now on.
Alan spent their last two days in bliss, sitting on the plane of knowledge created by Master Deeban and Lama Namkhai. They assured him that his mind was capable of absorbing a great many lessons this way, he would understand as time progressed. To express his appreciation to them both, Alan begged permission to show them something and it was granted.
“I don’t know if this is considered a frivolous use of the powers you have shown me, Master,” Alan said to Deeban. “But I have always had the means to remember places I have seen and capture the beauty within my mind. These are sometimes the places I dream about and they have brought me great comfort when dark clouds surround my thoughts and I feel the pain of life.”
The vision he created for them was of vast space, high in the Northern Rockies, the most awesome beauty in North America. He had compiled these images from a trip his family had taken when he was only ten years old, but the experience seemed fresh and new to the expanded powers of his mind.
Here in the total isolation of rock and snow, several magnificent eagles flew, their shrieks echoing off steep canyon walls. Mountain elk traversed narrow tracks, grazing on the sparse grass and stripping bark from the spindly trees growing at high altitudes.
The vision was so vast and detailed it almost seemed to stretch the limits of his new abilities but Alan persisted, focusing hard to make it seem so real around them. It was the closest he thought possible to bring his two teachers to the high mountains of their Tibetan homeland and he hoped it would please them.
They sat on the cliffs and watched the panorama of life unfolding around them. The Master and Namkhai sensed his purpose in bringing them here and he felt their gratitude wash over him. Alan began to chant the healing mantra to Rama. Bring your healing energy to earth, oh Rama; we need peace in the world. Their voices joined with his and they were lifted high above the mountaintops as the greatness of the planet spread out before their feet.
Surely the power of the Nine was so great that all things were possible, Alan thought, even the salvation of the world from the enemies of peace. Alan knew he would carry that moment with him forever.
Alan led John out to the barn that evening to find Josh. Although the boy was trying to avoid a farewell scene if at all possible, his sadness had grown these past few days. Those thoughts were projected to Alan loud and clear. Josh was afraid to be alone. He had come to believe that Alan was his spiritual brother.
“Josh,” Alan called out as they entered the pens. He knew the boy would be here with his animals.
“I’m over here,” A reply came from the distant corner. As expected he was feeding the baby goat.
Josh offered them a seat and a cup of the ever present tea. Although he smiled, Alan knew his mind was troubled.
“Don’t be sad,” Alan began, “We’ll see each other quite soon I assure you.”
“You’ve both been so busy this past week, I thought you might leave without saying good-bye to me at all,” Josh replied.
“Now how could I go without offering congratulations to my new best friend, huh?” Alan asked.
“My teacher, Lama Nagawan, says I may soon wear the orange robe,” Josh said. “I guess that means I’m one step closer to joining the order here.”
“I would love to see that,” John said.
“Soon you’ll be down in our neck of the woods,” Alan said. “I’ll introduce you to some of my friends. I know Louie would love to meet you.”
“I’d like that, I don’t have any friends left out there in the real world, except for you and John,” Josh said.
“Have you thought any more about your brother?” Alan asked. “Do you think he’d like to know what happened to you?”
“I don’t know if he even cares,” Josh said, “But I wish I knew.”
“Then let me help you find him,” Alan said. “John and I really can, but only if you allow us.”
“Oh, I don’t know, he’s probably moved away from the old house and…”
“No, I have a better way, you’ll just have to trust me,” Alan said.
“I do, you’re my best friend,” Josh replied.
“Can you do this?” John asked. Alan had said nothing to him about finding the brother. How would that be possible?
Alan moved closer and Josh removed the knit cap from his head, exposing his shaved skull, which was now covered with bare stubble.
“Take my hand,” Alan said. “Relax and look me in the eye. Trust in me, Josh. I want you to remember your brother’s face.” John took the boy’s other hand and the three of them formed a circle.
“What’s your brother’s name?” Alan asked.
“Paul…Paul McKearn,” Josh said.
“Thank you,” Alan said. “Now relax, keep your eyes on mine and give me an image of your brother as you remember him.”
Alan’s mind reached out, soothing and sympathetic. He caught the picture of a man forming in the boy’s head, and a face appeared. It was easy to see that they were brothers. Their features matched and Alan was held by the beauty of the blue eyes they shared. And then simply because he wished it, he was behind those eyes, seeing what the brother beheld.
The transference was immediate, and much as he had with the dead soldier in Vietnam, Alan could see through those eyes. Only these were living eyes and the picture in his mind was clear. The scene was a city street covered with ice and snow. Alan saw the brother’s eyes look up at the street signs, 85th Street on one, Fifth Avenue on the other. He was still in New York.
The view held his interest as the man walked up some steps to an apartment building. The Evans House, a brass plaque read to the side of the doorway. A hand reached out, inserted a key in the lock and pushed open the glass doors. The eyes beheld a brightly lit lobby with deep green carpet.
Alan was a little shocked as he saw the face appear in a mirror beside the door. The man was looking at himself. He straightened his tie and brushed the front of his uniform coat, Alan recognized the outfit. Josh’s brother was the doorman at the Evans House. He shouldn’t be hard to find.
This was all confirmed seconds later as the elevator doors opened and a well-dressed couple walked towards the lobby doors. The man opened the doors for them and hailed a taxi waiting beside the curb across the street. Alan saw tears forming in Josh’s eyes. He too had seen the vision.
Josh was trembling, the emotion too great. Alan ended the vision and Josh collapsed forward in his arms, pushing them both to the floor as he sobbed. He leaned forward and kissed Josh on the top of his head. John’s arms encircled them and Alan looked into the face of the one he loved.
“You are the most amazing…” John couldn’t finish, his throat choked with emotion.
“You better get used to what we can do now,” Alan said. They raised Josh up and sat him back on the hay bale.
“I…I saw Paul,” Josh said, wiping away the tears. “He’s older.”
“And so are you, my friend. We will find your brother,” Alan said.
“But how…?”
“We’ll go to the city and see him. Wouldn’t you like him to know you’re here? It might give him comfort to know you’re alive and well, “Alan suggested.
“Oh, yes, please.”
“Then I want you to write him a simple letter. Tell him you are doing well and where you are,” Alan said. “I’ll ask him to write you back. He needs to know that you aren’t angry for the way he treated you. Brothers should learn to forgive.”
“I was mad at him for a long time, but not now. He needs no forgiveness, I was a fool. There have been so many times when I just wished I could tell him how sorry I was,” Josh said.
“Well now you’ll get the chance,” John said.
“How did you do that, I saw him…?” Josh asked.
“I can’t tell you how. I just asked you to trust me and you did.”
“I love you,” Josh said, and threw his arms around Alan’s neck.
Alan returned the hug, looking over Josh’s shoulder at John’s smiling face.
What he didn’t say was that in those few short seconds he had been inside the brother’s mind Alan had felt a large emptiness in the man’s heart. The eyes reflected in that mirror had said that and more. He was a man in pain, just like the boy hugging him now. They needed each other to be whole again.
Josh finally let Alan go only to hug John. “Thank you both, I will pray for your safe journey home.”
“Thank you, Josh,” John said to cover the awkwardness of the moment.
“We’ll be leaving early tomorrow,” Alan said, “I will need that letter from you after supper this evening. I’ll write you when I get back and tell you all about the trip home. You’re welcome to come and stay with us when you come to Maryland this spring.”
“May the wisdom of the Buddha guide your steps,” Josh said and the three of them bowed to each other.
Such a sweet boy, Alan thought as they slipped and slid down the path towards the monastery walls. He was so young in mind and heart and Alan felt sorry that the boy had lost so much of his childhood. The harsh reality was that Josh wasn’t alone, there were entirely too many just like him out there.
Just before they came to the wall, John put a hand on Alan’s shoulder. “I don’t read minds but that boy back there really loves you,” He said.
“I like being loved,” Alan smiled. “He’s a good man, John. Let’s hope this place gives him all that he needs to live a good life.”
“For years I’ve been wondering what I needed to live a good life and the Buddhist way seems to be the best I’ve found,” John replied.
“Josh needs this place because they will not judge his past as harshly as he judges himself for the things he’s done. I see nothing but confusion in his mind over so many things. He doubts his own sexuality because of the men that used him. He doubts his own sense of intelligence because of his addictions. He doubts almost everything around him.” Alan smiled. “But life here is simple enough to give him time to heal, time to get his self-esteem back. He needs a brother’s encouragement and we’re in a position to do something about that, so we do it.”
“You love him too, don’t you?” John said.
“Yes, I do but it’s not like the love we share. I love Josh for what he can become, for the courage he has buried inside. My life has been simple compared to what he had to endure just to find his way into this place.”
“Imagine the forces it took for the universe to bring the three of us together for this moment in time,” John said. He stopped and smiled. “But you can now, Alan…can’t you?”
“In truth I don’t know what I am capable of doing but I want to find out. It’s scary, John, I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I’m here to help in any way I can.”
Alan threw his arms around John’s neck and gave him a kiss. When their mouths parted their eyes met and Alan saw the joy only lovers can share. “I need you more than ever, John Bateman. Beyond these walls is a scary reality that I can’t face alone.”
“There should be no I in that statement. We can face anything you want and I will be there to love and guide you.”
“And that is the scariest part,” Alan said, “I’ve dragged you into this and I don’t want you to get hurt by it.”
“You forget that we are not alone, Alan. There is a whole community of wisdom behind us and you have Namkhai watching over you.”
“I’m beginning to understand that he will be with me forever. He’s like a guardian angel, just more powerful.”
“He is foremost a teacher, your lama,” John said.
“No, you’ve got it wrong, John. He is now my Master and my life is in his hands.”
Supper that night gave John and Alan a chance to say good bye to all their new friends. Namkhai was due to drive them down to the main highway where they would catch the bus to New York City, but they would have to leave very early in the morning. Alan had already mentioned to John that they would need only a few hours in the city for the task with Josh’s brother.
Namkhai approached their table during the meal and said that the Rinpoche would like to see them afterwards.
“Your presence here has made us all very happy,” The sweet elderly man said. “The winter frost has been warmed by the addition of two such fine young men. It is hoped that your lives will be granted peace until we meet again in the spring.”
The Rinpoche thanked them for joining his community these past two weeks. They had been most welcome guests. He gave them each a small wooden bowl as a token to remind them of the humility one needed in life to accomplish the Path. There was nothing they could give in return for the man’s kindness, the monks held all property in common.
As they were leaving the dining room Alan turned back with a thought he wanted to share with the Rinpoche. His idea was that they should send a dozen crates of fresh fruit for the kitchen when they got back. The Rinpoche seemed pleased at this thoughtfulness. Alan was happy too since he knew the Drama Club was selling boxes of fruit to raise money for the spring musical and this would cover their quota.
John and Namkhai found themselves alone in the hallway leading to the temple.
“You have discovered the powers of his mind, I know,” Namkhai said. “But I wonder if you are aware of the destructive force that such power can wield.”
“Alan and I have agreed that we are in this together, Master. It is not easy for him, as I am sure you already know. I will help him to the best of my abilities.”
“Do you believe your mind capable of such control?”
“No, only you have that power, I am sure,” John replied. “But Alan is afraid of this power, as he should be. His mind is open to me and we are both fully aware that such strength may not be used lightly. You have been kind in accepting us as we are and so you must also realize that it is practical for us to try and control this together.”
“Emotion is not always the best master,” Namkhai said.
“And we are young and impetuous, is that what you mean? Don’t tell me you’ve created this situation without a thought to controlling it?”
“And what makes you think that?” Namkhai said.
“You have an objective and Alan is a part of your plan. But I won’t let him be used by anyone. And that includes his Master unless I understand that what you seek is part of the greater good.”
Namkhai nodded. “It is good to be cautious and I would not have it any other way. Master Alan is not a pawn in some great scheme, but he is the wild card that must be kept close in the hand that controls the game.”
“Then you leave that to me, Master. I will not allow him to run away with this power. To allow that would be to let him bring about the destruction of everything he has sought. His life has needed meaning and somehow you and I have come together to make that happen.”
“I know you will try, you have the wisdom to understand our predicament. There has been so little time for him and yet he has drawn in such great amounts of knowledge, much of which he yet fails to understand.”
John smiled. “I believe Alan and I will come to some understanding about these powers.”
It was Namkhai’s turn to smile. “This is true. I suppose we have put too much emphasis on what might happen. Each mind is different and unique. His powers may never be completely understood.”
“Then I share your concern. What Alan and I have is something beyond your comprehension and always will be. His life gives mine meaning. That should be enough for you. Everything I do from now on is but a reflection of his existence.”
Namkhai’s smile faded and his body bent forward in a bow of deep conviction. “We are blessed that your union with this boy has given such strength to our cause. I will do my best to assure your future success, just as I have committed myself to Master Alan.”
“If this is so, then which is the teacher and which is the student?” John asked.
“I cannot give you an answer for that which I do not know,” Namkhai said. “Only the Wheel of Life will bring forth that answer.”
It was at this point that Alan found them standing in the hall together outside of the temple.
“Have you two been having a good conversation?” He asked.
“We have just been sharing our common interests,” Namkhai said and John nodded in agreement.
“Great. I was wondering if we might get the chance to say good-bye to Deeban, or do you think it’s too late?”
“The old man rarely sleeps,” Namkhai said.
Alan smiled and knew Namkhai was telling him to go up and see the Master. They climbed the stairs into the aviary where all was quiet. Sitting in the darkness of the room and gazing across the wall at the moonlit forest beyond, they found peace once again with their feathered friends.
The birds were all quiet now, only the occasional peep was heard as they shuffled around in their cages seeking the best perch for the night. Deeban must have heard them climb the stairs and came out from his room to greet them. He knew why they had come.
“Welcome, young masters,” Deeban said. “Have you come to say good bye to all your feathered friends? They have just become settled for the night’s rest but I think they are happy to see you.”
“We came to see them and you, Lama Deeban,” John said. “I will miss your kindness and instructive conversation when I am gone.”
“You have been a most welcome diversion for an old man’s mind, young sir,” Deeban said. “I too will miss our talks, but surely you will come see us again?”
“Yes sir, we surely will.”
Deeban sat with them a while and Alan opened his mind to the old man’s thoughts. They communicated silently as John sought out his favorite birds.
“And I will miss you too, my young student,” Master Deeban’s thoughts said quietly in Alan’s mind. “You have learned much in such a short time but there are miles to walk on this path before you may consider your task to be done. Choose wisely those who may understand your usefulness and keep the Eye hidden at all costs.
“I believe your young friend here now has some understanding about your abilities. Follow his counsel. Should it become necessary your powers will find either myself or Namkhai willing to assist you, but this you already know.”
“I hope the Master will not fear that I shall use this training for wrongful purpose,” Alan thought back. “I am grateful that your kindness allows me to serve you.”
“A wise student should always know that he is but one step away from the Master, your faults will become mine should you fail. We have a great purpose to accomplish in just a short while, hey? Then you will surely know how the Inner Eye will guide you to achieve that goal.”
Alan felt the Master’s mind closing and bowed in reverence to his wishes, it was time to go. Deeban stood and shook hands with each of them. Alan felt like he should make some larger gesture of thanks but knew the old man would be embarrassed by the attention. Deeban avoided the awkwardness of the moment by turning away and returning to his sleeping quarters in the back room of the loft.
“What a wonderful man,” John said with a sigh. “I will miss him.”
“It seems he likes you a lot, too,” Alan said.
“You two were pretty quiet,” John said.
“Yeah, we don’t have that much to talk about I guess,” Alan replied.
Sleep came easy that night as they shared a dream about being on a sailboat far out in the calm waters of a great ocean. The only sounds they could hear were the lapping of the waves against the hull and the cry of the occasional seabird wheeling around the tall masts. Alan didn’t bother to remember the dream, he was sure John would tell him all about it in the morning.
A hand shook him gently and Alan knew it was Namkhai telling him it was time to awaken, time to leave this place and catch the bus back to the real world of parents and schoolbooks. Alan reached up and snapped on the light.
“We must leave within the hour,” Namkhai said with a smile.
“I’m awake,” Alan said, “Thanks for getting me up.”
“I will make tea,” Namkhai said, then he left and Alan bent to awaken John.
“John, wake up,” Alan said.
John mumbled in his sleep by way of reply so Alan nibbled on his ear and kissed his neck.
“Oh, man…I’m awake,” John groaned.
“Namkhai’s been here already, it’s time to get dressed.”
The tea was hot and burned Alan’s lips as he sucked on the rim of the cup. Namkhai looked bright and cheerful, how could anyone do that so early in the morning?
The cook had thoughtfully prepared sandwiches to eat as they waited for the bus and John shoved them in his pack as they loaded up the car. It would be a thirty mile trip down frozen highways to the bus station.
The road was grim as the old car chugged along towards the main gate onto the property. They had not come this way since the hike up to the monastery twelve days ago and the snow was deeper now. Namkhai stopped behind the gates and John got out to open them.
But before driving through they had to make an offering to the deity in the roadside altar. The three of them stood in the snow and lit a stick of incense, clapping their hands and bowing to the statue, praying for a safe journey into the world.
The ride down was pretty cool. Namkhai switched on the radio after they hit the paved road and caught an early morning rock station in Albany. They were playing a new album by Simon and Garfunkel. As Alan listened to the words through the constant background static, he thought these guys really understood about all the pain and suffering in the world.
They talked about how this music was carrying the message of a generation. Alan was surprised to learn that Namkhai even knew about Bob Dylan. But then this monk had been nothing but surprises since the day they met.
The dark road was icy and dangerous but Namkhai navigated the old machine with skill, maybe this was another accomplishment the Inner Eye lent him. Alan’s auto insurance company would be glad to know about that.
It took all of two hours to travel the thirty miles down the winding road at less than twenty miles per hour. By six o’clock Namkhai had them both safely delivered to the bus shelter beside the highway with only a short while to wait.
John thanked him profusely for all the trouble driving down here and for his kindness during their visit. He got out and took a seat in the shelter, understanding that Alan would need some time alone with his teacher to say good bye.
“Farewell, my young student,” Namkhai said.
“I really hate to leave you, Master,” Alan said.
“There is much time ahead for us to speak of the life we shall both lead in the future,” He said. “Be patient with others who do not have your strengths and use your gifts wisely. My time with you has been well spent, you have accomplished much.”
“Thank you,” Alan said. “I look forward to seeing you in Washington. There is so much we need to do.”
“You know enough now to begin to use the powers you have for good. Just remember that I will never be far away if you need me. Go now, and be at peace in your life.”
“My life is but a shadow to the Master’s wishes,” Alan said. “I will keep my eyes open and guard my thoughts. May peace follow your days as well, my teacher.”
Alan glanced at Namkhai’s face and had to get out quickly before he recognized the tears in both their eyes. It would be unseemly to notice this moment of affectionate parting. Namkhai drove slowly away, the only way his car ever moved, and Alan watched until the lights faded away down the road.
“We have sandwiches?” John said.
“Yes,” Alan sniffled, “Yes, we do.”
John handed him the bag and put his arm around Alan’s shoulder. They kissed each other after realizing they could do that now. But this was the other world, the real one, so they both looked around.
“I love you, Alan,” John said in a serious tone.
“You have no idea how good that sounds,” Alan replied.
New York City held the largest concentration of people in the United States and Alan sometimes wondered why anyone would want to live here. The smog and the smells weren’t too bad this time of year but the streets were still clogged with the debris of winter.
The Trailways bus terminal was a mid-day madhouse when they arrived. John stared wide-eyed at the tall buildings as they took to the sidewalk in search of a cab. And they discovered that two boys with backpacks seemed to be an attraction.
“Excuse me boys, are you looking for a place to stay?” The man had just stepped out of the crowd. He was well dressed but Alan knew what was behind the question.
“No sir, we’re just passing through,” Alan replied. “Thought I’d visit my uncle while I was in town, can you tell me which way it is to the Mayor’s office?”
The guy pointed vaguely in a direction uptown and then disappeared into the crowd. Two seconds later they were hit on again.
“Hey man, wanna buy some kick ass weed?” A young voice said in John’s ear.
“Not really,” He replied, turning to see who was doing the talking.
The voice was attached to a boy who looked like he had just stepped out of an acid trip or Alice in Wonderland. The huge Afro on his head crowned a fluorescent green and yellow shirt over bright red jeans. For a drug dealer this kid was entirely too noticeable, cops would be able to spot him about two blocks away.
“Wanna buzz, gents?” He smiled.
Alan quickly told the guy to get lost. Fortunately a cab pulled up and discharged a passenger right in front of them so they caught a ride.
“The Evans House, Eighty-Fifth Street and Fifth Avenue,” Alan told the driver. He nodded and they sped away, traveling almost a whole block before hitting a traffic jam. Alan watched as the Afro-haired freak show passed them by, sauntering down the sidewalk like he didn’t have a care in the world.
“You boys know someone at the Evans House?” The driver asked.
“I know the doorman’s brother,” Alan replied.
“Pretty posh place,” The driver offered but Alan didn’t want to talk.
The ride took thirty-five minutes and cost a fortune. Alan hadn’t spent any money on the whole trip except for bus fare, now he was almost glad to fork it over.
The Evans House was a twelve-story affair with rich brass appointments out front and carved lions on either side of the door. Snooty, Alan figured, but no one was standing out front to greet them.
They should have been a little better dressed for the neighborhood but this was the Big Apple, people walked around naked here and nobody seemed to notice anything wrong with that.
Alan caught a movement through the glass and the uniform approached the door, it was definitely Paul. He heard John gasp and could only agree; Josh and his brother looked that much alike.
“Yes,” Paul said, “Can I help you boys?”
“Yes sir, you can,” Alan said. “In fact we can help you too. I have a message from Joshua.”
Alan thought the guy was gonna faint as Paul grabbed the stair railing and stared at him like he had just landed from Mars.
“Josh,” Paul said, his voice trembling, “Where…how do you know him?”
“Look, we don’t bite. We’re just two school boys from Maryland. Can we come in and sit down, we need to talk,” Alan said.
“Sure, it’ll be okay, come in.”
Paul led them inside to a fancy couch where they dropped the backpacks against the marble wall and took off their parkas.
“So where did you meet my brother?” Paul asked.
“He’s at a Buddhist monastery upstate studying to become a monk,” Alan said. Paul’s eyes got huge, it did sound pretty incredible Alan had to admit.
“A monk, oh wow,” Paul said.
Alan had to nail him hard right away. “Look, I know the whole sordid story, okay? I also know you’re a pretty lonely guy right now and could use the love of a brother to get by. He told me to tell you he’s not angry or mad at you any more, that part of his life is past. Here, it’s all in this letter he wrote,” Alan said, handing over the envelope.
“The monks saved his life and took him in so you can bet he’s off the dope for good. I’ve become one of his friends and I’m suggesting that you guys have to get back together, you need each other.”
“I don’t know…” Paul stammered. He was staring at the envelope like it might bite him.
Alan smiled, his aura expanding to include Paul. “He loves you very much, Paul. It would be so easy just to write him back and tell him you’re sorry for all the years and the heartache. Maybe you only have each other left in this world. It would be a shame to pass up the opportunity to love him again. He’s a handsome boy of nineteen, not the little child you remember. He needs a big brother now more than ever.”
Paul began to weep silently and Alan withdrew his mind from contact. It was done, the feelings had been broached. Now it was time to heal. He put a hand on Paul’s shoulder. The man looked down at the envelope and sobbed when he saw his name penned by Josh.
“We’ll go now,” Alan said, “but you be sure and write him tonight. He’s waiting out there for your words, Paul. Just a simple letter from you will make his life happy again…and probably yours as well.”
John handed Alan his pack and they walked towards the door.
“Wait,” Paul called. “Wait…please.”
“Yes?” Alan asked.
“Our folks died when Josh was only seven,” Paul began. “I raised him even though I was only three years older. We had an Aunt who let us sleep in her kitchen on the floor at night and she would feed us supper each day. But that was the only help we ever received from our relatives.”
He wiped at the tears. “I haven’t know what family means since our mother died. But you’re right; I need Josh back in my life. Thank you for bringing me the message…I don’t even know your names?”
“I’m Alan and this is John,” Alan said. “Just be glad you have a brother, tell him you love him and Josh will fill your world in return. I hope we get to meet again, Paul. Have peace in your life.”
“How did you do that so fast?” John asked him as they walked away from the Evans House.
“I touched his mind and gave him an image of Josh,” Alan said.
“Yeah, that would have done it for me too, good thinking.”
“I think so. We should use this gift to help more people like Josh who deserve a break.”
“Alan, there is so much you can do, but we can’t save the world, right? The anti-war protesting will take up a great deal of our time. This is all bigger than becoming social workers. You see that don’t you?”
“I love it when you get forceful like that, kiss me,” Alan said.
And John did, right there on the sidewalk in front of thousands of New Yorkers. No one even stopped to stare. Maybe there was something about this place Alan could learn to like after all.
It was almost seven o’clock Friday evening when John’s father picked them up at the bus station in Silver Spring. They were tired and their stomachs empty so Mr. Bateman stopped off for hamburgers on the way home. Alan looked at the piece of chopped meat in his hands with disgust. The monks had a better idea, maybe he should become vegetarian.
The following morning, Lyndon Banes Johnson, President of the United States, announced he would not seek another term in the White House. There was hope in his heart until Alan realized more civilians would die, more soldiers would be sent into the fray. Just because Johnson was leaving didn’t mean that anyone in Washington was going to stop the bloodshed.
Coming forward as anti-war activists in a school where some of the kids had older brothers and sisters in Vietnam was a big risk. John expected shock and dismay to the peace article in the school paper to be followed by harassment, possibly even violence.
Mahatma Gandhi had preached about what it took to oppose violence, but Alan wasn’t ready to get beaten up just to prove a point. He and John went to talk with the monks on the Potomac. They had three days to get ready. The article was due in the school paper on Tuesday morning.
When they reached the temple it was obvious that someone in New York had been in contact with these guys. Their level of behavior was so different. They were greeted as brothers and served tea while listening to the request for guidance.
“The Buddha teaches strength without a need for violence,” The eldest monk named Dulan told them. “But when violence cannot be avoided then we are taught that overwhelming force may be used in response. Monks in many lands have forsaken weapons and chosen to protect themselves with personal combat.”
“I don’t think combat is the answer,” John said. “I’m more concerned about the reactions of a large group, how can we speak freely and have our voices heard if everyone is screaming at us?”
“The young master is wise to avoid confrontation when possible. There is security in numbers, maybe you should stay close to your friend for your wellbeing,” Dulan suggested. He looked at Alan and it was obvious he was aware of the power that resided in the boy before him.
“I am sure John wouldn’t need my help if he was attacked. My choice would be to open my mind to the need for a calm discussion.” Alan had worded his statement carefully.
“Do you think that would be within the realm of possibility? There are bound to be dozens of kids upset with us,” John said.
“I don’t think numbers matter,” Alan said. “We already know what is possible when I am one on one. But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with the idea, John. We’re in this together and what I do depends on your support.”
“Let us pray you have much success,” Dulan said.
They spent several hours in discussion, focusing on the need to spread the message for peace. Alan felt much better when it was all over and hoped that John felt the same. He had grown accustomed to finding a sedate frame of mind in these temple surroundings. They left in the early afternoon and went to find Louie at the vet hospital.
He was in emergency surgery when they arrived, delivering puppies by C-section. They wandered around the kennels playing with all the animals until Louie was done, he seemed so happy at their return.
“Hey, there you are,” Louie said, “How was the trip?”
“Cold and enlightening,” John responded.
“Ditto on the cold part,” Alan said.
“Well, glad you’re back. I’m throwing a dinner party next weekend, are you available?” Louie asked.
“Sure,” John said, “Do we bartend or do the dishes?”
Alan laughed. John was getting to know Louie real well, and thought every invitation had an angle as often it did.
“Very funny, I just want you to be there and look handsome,” Louie said.
“I suppose it is my duty as the boyfriend,” John said.
Louie’s eyebrows went up and Alan nodded. “We have made the commitment.”
Louie hugged them both and fished in his coat pocket. “Now we’ll have something to celebrate. Here, John, take a key to the house, I had it made especially for you. Now that you guys have tied the knot I suppose it would be better to let you have the Blue Room full time whenever you need it.”
“That’s very generous of you, dear,” Alan said.
“Oh what’s a girl to do when there’s young love in the air,” Louie laughed. “Go on, I’m going be here a while. There’s some cold salmon in the fridge in case you’re hungry, but don’t you drink all that imported beer. Imagine that, me buying beer. But my new boyfriend likes the stuff, his name’s Brian by the way, just let the machine take all the calls.”
After kisses all around, Louie went back to his puppies and John drove them to the house. A light snow was falling but none of it was sticking to the grass, it wasn’t cold enough.
“Hey, it’s Saturday night, what do you want to do?” Alan asked.
“I’m not up for anything too exciting. I need to relax and think about next week,” John said.
“Just some television and a night of riotous sex?” Alan asked.
“Yeah, that works for me,” John laughed.
They decided to forgo the salmon, much too rich after their healthy diet at the monastery, they settled for pizza instead. Two large vegetarian pizzas it was. The boxes were still hot when they pulled into Louie’s driveway and John fitted their key in the door. Their key, it sounded so romantic.
John grabbed a couple of beers and they ate the pizzas sitting on the couch in front of television. There was a special on the making of a new television series named Star Trek by some guy named Roddenberry. It looked so cool Alan couldn’t wait for it to hit the airwaves.
Pizza and beer left them cuddling and then kissing on the couch. Guessing they would be at it all night anyway John suggested they retire to the bedroom. It had been a while since their first night together in this room, just being here again felt special.
“I never realized it before but I like watching you undress,” John said. “It’s sexy.”
“Sexy? My scrawny little body? Now you, you are the one with all the muscles and that is way sexy with me,” Alan replied.
They crawled onto the bed and cuddled. “Mmm, this is much better when it’s warm,” John said. “I don’t know how we managed up in the frozen north?”
“Just close your eyes and relax, I want to show you something,” Alan said.
The aura began to cast around them and it became a slow dawn. The sun lifted its head like a huge fiery orb out of the darkness that clung to the sea. They were lying on a beach in the Caribbean and Alan knew John would catch the significance immediately so he spoke into the boy’s mind.
“John, do you recognize this place?”
“Oh, my…it was my dream, you did that all along? How wonderful. Say, are we really talking?”
“No, this is all in your head…and of course mine.”
“Awesome.”
The sun became a solid source of heat and they could actually feel it begin to bake their skin. It was time to move on so Alan opened his eyes and saw John staring at him in amazement.
“Oh, Alan. The vision kept me warm on those cold nights. I should have known.”
“I love you, John Bateman,” Alan whispered and they kissed.
Louie got home and found them conked out on the bed. Alan raised his head when the man knocked softly on the door.
“Sorry to bother you,” He said. “Is John asleep?”
“Out for the count,” Alan replied.
“Good, can we talk?”
Alan threw on a bathrobe and followed Louie downstairs. Through the windows Alan could see the snow was picking up, they were in for the night. There were papers stacked in neat piles on the kitchen table, Louie had been reading John’s manifesto.
“Oh good, have you started reading his article for the paper?” Alan asked.
“Are you guys really going have this published?” Louie asked.
“Yeah, I hope so. John says the editor of the school paper will do it.”
“Are you two crazy? I mean, I love you both, but this is going cause some serious repercussions. Why are you doing this?” Louie asked.
“It’s what we believe, Louie. War is wrong, LBJ and the country are wrong to be over there. I don’t have to give you any Biblical reasons, killing is immoral.”
“But the country supports the war, kiddo. I thought being homosexual was hard enough for you but now to add this on top of it? I don’t want to see you kids getting hurt and I’m afraid someone is going to crack your head open for this stuff.”
“No, it’s a peaceful protest, all words and deeds meant to convince people that we need to stop destroying lives in our country and theirs,” Alan said.
“Are you a Communist too?” Louie asked.
“No, what makes you say that? I’m becoming a Buddhist. “
“I had to ask because that’s what you’ll be labeled. Alan, this is serious business. Once the television news gets hold of this it’s going be all over the place. I wouldn’t be surprised if they kick you out of school.”
“If they do that I’m going to sue their pants off, we still have a First Amendment right to free speech,” Alan said.
“So these Buddhists put you up to this?” Louie asked.
“No, you have it all wrong. John and I just went up there to ask their help, it’s our plan. We’re going to throw a big demonstration in Washington this spring, show the nation that the war is immoral. Thousands of Buddhists will march. It has to affect people’s thinking.”
“Oh Lord, you really have made big plans haven’t you? Do your parents know what you’re planning?”
“Not yet,” Alan said. “My folks will be easy, they’ll think it’s a passing phase and expect to wait it out. John is the one with a big problem.”
“Oh yeah, Daddy is regular Army, I’d say he has an insurmountable problem. I don’t think you boys have thought this through. John’s father may have some problems with his Army friends. You might lose your boyfriend.”
“We thought about that, we’ll run away to Canada if anything happens,” Alan said. “We know Buddhist monks living up there who will care for us, hide us out for a while.”
“You can’t run if you’re in jail, kiddo. Look, I don’t want to paint this only in the darkest details, but there are major problems ahead.”
“I know. The Path to Enlightenment is not paved with smooth stones. I just need to know something, Louie. Will you still be there for us?”
Alan saw the hurt come into Louie’s eyes and had to force himself not to look behind them and test his feelings.
“I love you, knucklehead…you and that sweet boyfriend of yours too. No matter what happens you’ll always have my support, I hope you know that. It’s going make my life crazy, you know, just don’t get arrested…I haven’t a thing to wear in court.”
“I love you too, Louie. I promise not to make it too hard on you. It might get a little rough the next few weeks but I think we’ll manage. By the way, can I use the copier over at the hospital tomorrow?” Alan asked.
Alan might be a novice of the Inner Eye of the Mind but soon discovered he was the master of understatement. Shit really hit the fan big time.
On the first day back in school from the winter break, John took his manifesto to the school paper and Alan took it to Mr. Rouse during his third period class break. The neatly typed document was eleven pages long, a monument to John’s careful research and brevity in a tactful presentation. It was all in there, the hypocrisy of the government, the immorality of boys in uniform, the fat cats in the industrial complex that supported the war with their greed. Names, places and dates accompanied every statement of fact, a very thorough job.
Rouse sat in his creaky chair and thought to skim the first page but Alan could tell he got bogged down by the weight of all the facts being presented. For ten minutes Alan sat quietly as Rouse read every single word. Finally he slapped it down on his desk and put both his hands, palms down on either side of the document.
“This is total bullshit,” He said. “You expect me to allow you to publish this garbage in the school paper? Well you can forget that mister.”
“How can you say what happened at My Lai is BS? They shot unarmed civilians, women and children.”
“It was an unfortunate accident,” Rouse said.
“Then unfortunately we’ll have to distribute the paper by hand,” Alan replied.
“Look, Alan. I know this is a place where you learn, try out new ideas and find goals for your lives. Kids discover a lot of things during the educational process and not everything is pleasant or nice. The Vietnam conflict is a major event for this country and especially you students.
“But lots of boys and girls here have brothers and even sisters over there defending our country. This could incite a riot if I allowed it to be printed. The School Board would have my ass in a sling. We’d both get in more trouble than we’ve already seen around here. I just can’t allow it, Alan. I can’t even let you pass this around.”
“How do you intend to stop the distribution?” Alan asked.
“If you’re caught passing these out, I’ll have to suspend you pending a hearing with the School Board. I know you’re going throw all that First Amendment stuff at me but it won’t work. These words are inflammatory and meant to cause trouble. It won’t pass the legal test of free speech.”
“No, you have the wrong amendment, Mr. Rouse, this is a religious tract published by the Buddhist temple. John and I are Buddhists. We’re planning a big rally in Washington this spring. This is only documentation in support of that rally, are you planning to squash my religious freedoms too?”
“Oh you think you’re so clever, don’t you. Well I say no, you can’t promote the rally here in school. Pass out any of this stuff and you’ll be suspended. Do I make myself clear?” Rouse said.
“Then you better start the paperwork now, I have a hundred copies in my locker and they’ll be all over school by fourth period. Thanks, Mr. Rouse. You have no idea how much great publicity this will bring to our cause. May the Buddha grant you a peaceful day.”
Now the race was on, Alan had to get those copies out of his locker before Mr. Rouse could get the janitor, locate the locker number and confiscate everything. The hallways were awfully silent as he dialed the combination, hands trembling with the intensity of what they were about to do.
Snapping open the door, Alan pulled out his gym bag and felt the heft of paper inside. Closing the door quietly, he started to go down A Hall when he heard Rouse and the janitor coming. Switching course, he backtracked to B Hall, turning the corner just as Rouse came up the stairs and headed towards the locker.
Alan took the gym bag down B Hall and through the outside doors. Cutting around behind the auto shop, he began to run towards the rear of the gym and the only other place he could think of to hide these things.
“Hey, Mr. Davenport,” Alan said. The retired coach was their locker room attendant and a real nice man too.
“Hello, Alan. Are you going out for football this spring?” He asked.
“Sure, but only if they let you coach,” Alan said.
“Fat chance there buddy, what can I do for you?”
“Oh, I got my gym clothes out of the washer this morning but I forgot to bring my lock. Can I leave the bag with you until my class?”
“Sure, put it in the towel room, nobody will bother it there,” He suggested.
“Thanks, Mr. Davenport, see you later.”
He was two minutes late for history class but hadn’t even settled in his chair when the public address system came on and Mrs. Lilly’s voice requested that Alan Sommers please report to the office. Alan Sommers to the office…his heart sank. The class laughed and kidded him as he packed up his books and headed out the door. Nice humor, their way of saying Thank God it’s not me they want down there.
Rouse was standing inside the glass doors with the janitor.
“Alright, where are these documents you’re supposed to have?” He asked.
“I put them in my locker this morning,” Alan said, it wasn’t a lie.
“Who else had the combination to your locker? Does your friend John know it?”
“Yes he does, and so do about four or five others,” Alan said. “Come on, the combination is thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six, do you think I could keep that a secret?”
The janitor snickered and Rouse actually blushed in front of Mrs. Lilly.
“Well someone has removed them from the locker,” Rouse said, “Go on in my office and wait for me.”
Alan trudged slowly into the principal’s office and plopped down on one of the hard wooden chairs kept to make students feel even more uncomfortable when being chewed out. The joke was really on Rouse, the School Board was so cheap his office furniture looked like it was left over from the Korean War, and it probably was. At least they had the best equipped science labs in the county, Alan had heard they were even going to get a computer next year.
Rouse was probably out after John, having failed to turn up the goods in Alan’s locker. The plan was to have all three of them in the office with the door shut.
Alan had given a lot of thought to this pending moment of conflict. It would not do to merely bowl Rouse over with a vision of peaceful nirvana. He might think they’d slipped LSD in his coffee. No, it had to be forceful.
Alan would ask him to pray with them for guidance, allowing the revelation to come to Rouse from the heavens. Alan looked down at the phone on the desk, at the very least he might have to call nine-one-one if Rouse freaked.
The door opened and Rouse barged through followed by John, they smiled at each other and the game was on. John already had the really important document in his notebook, the one Alan had written yesterday afternoon on Louie’s typewriter. It gave them permission to discuss the Buddhist philosophy on the war with their fifth period social studies class, Rouse was going sign it, he just didn’t know that yet.
“Powerful thoughts may slip through the tiniest cracks in a wall of resistance,” Namkhai had told them. They were about to prove that point with the subterfuge which had started with just a small lie.
The whole move to pass out the manifestos was nothing more than a sham. If they had been given permission to publish or pass them out, well that would have been a major victory. But winning small battles was an acceptable goal. The big stuff would come later.
“Alright gentlemen, let’s get this whole thing out on the table. You have written something which doesn’t belong on school property, where is it?”
“I see you have a copy there on your desk,” John said.
“I’m talking about the other one hundred copies your friend there told me were in his locker, what did you do with them?” Rouse asked.
“Why nothing,” John said, “I haven’t seen them. Did you read the things we wrote?”
“Yes, I did,” Rouse said. “I think you’ve twisted the truth a little bit, enough to cause a pretty severe reaction from your classmates if they were to read it. But that is not going to happen in my school. I won’t allow it.”
“What parts do you disagree with,” John asked, “I can make some changes if the facts are inaccurate.”
“I don’t know all the facts. Maybe some of this stuff is true. Look, I have a son in uniform over there. He’s a lieutenant in the Navy on the front lines at the Mekong Delta. It probably makes you think I’m biased but I don’t want him to be there either, okay? But since Congress and the President have agreed to pursue this military engagement I feel we have to support it. I know you boys are frustrated by what you see as an immoral war but the country supports it and them’s the facts.”
“Were you in the military, Mr. Rouse?” Alan asked.
“I had a fortunate sense of timing in serving my country,” He replied, “I turned eighteen two years before Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and started World War Two. I wanted to join the Army but my father talked me into joining the Navy. I studied communications and ended up at a weather station in New Hampshire for most of the war. But they finally shipped me out to the Pacific in time to get in the fight for the Philippines, six months later they dropped the atomic bomb. I just wish my son could have been so lucky.”
Alan chose that moment to look into Rouse’s mind. The principal didn’t know it but he was going to join his son in Vietnam.
* * *
A Navy patrol boat was speeding along towards a cloud of smoke drifting downstream towards them. Maybe it was an ambush but they were ready for it. When they pierced the wall of blue-black smoke they came upon a scene of shear horror.
A small village sat beside the tiny tributary feeding the river, it was now in flames. Bodies lay sprawled along the riverbank, dozens of them, some in the black pajamas of the Vietcong, others in the Arvin uniform of South Vietnam. The flames and confusion from the burning buildings provided cover for a hidden sniper who began to shoot towards the boat.
Swiftly the lieutenant in charge ordered the boat to come about and return fire, the sounds of the thirty and fifty-caliber machine guns in their turrets was deafening. A movement could be seen along the riverbank, shapes moving behind the smoke. The guns tracked the movement and screams were heard as the bullets found their targets, tearing them to shreds. The smoke started to lift and the guns ceased their fire.
Scattered along the riverbank were a dozen more bodies, these of women and children, torn to pieces by the machine guns. The cries of the wounded could plainly be heard, but the sailors just stood and watched as their craft drifted downstream past the village. These people were nothing, every one of them a potential Vietcong sympathizer.
Laughter could be heard from the jungle around them as the smoke drifted across the boat, along with the smell of blood and burning flesh. The boat passed through the smoke and the vision turned in on itself, giving only one last glimpse of the lieutenant as he turned towards the watchers…
* * *
“Jimmy?” They heard Rouse say, “Oh God no, it can’t be.”
John and Alan were sitting respectfully before the desk when Rouse snapped out of the vision. It had all taken about forty seconds to transpire. He looked pale and Alan was afraid he might have a weak heart or something but his mind said the man was fit.
“Oh God, did you see that?” Rouse asked.
“I’m sorry sir?” John said, “Did we see what?”
“I’m gonna be sick,” Rouse said, and then he threw up in his trash can.
Alan went to fetch Mrs. Lilly who called the school nurse. Rouse was terribly shaken by what he had seen. His son had been responsible for slaughtering innocent women and children, while the enemy laughed about it from the tree line.
The nurse told him he was stressed out and that he should go home and lie down. Rouse thanked her kindly and then told the ladies to leave, John and Alan had sat quietly by through the whole episode.
The vision had been pure imagination of course; images stolen from newsreels and the clues Rouse had given Alan during their discussion. The image of his son was from the framed picture he kept in the left hand top drawer of his desk. The emotions generated were from his own fears of his son’s involvement in the atrocities everyone was reading about.
Was it fair? In combat who says what’s fair and what’s not? Alan and John had debated this point for hours, finally deciding it was their best choice. Alan was not actually using his powers to overcome Rouse. The man was going to do it to himself.
“I’m sorry boys,” Rouse finally said, “I don’t know what just happened.”
“I’m sorry too, sir,” Alan said. “This anti-war business has caused you a lot of stress. I didn’t know your son was over there, you must be mighty worried about him. I’ll bring you the documents from my locker. Maybe you just picked the wrong door. We don’t need to pass them out. The word will spread eventually anyway. You know that.”
“That would be a very wise move on your part. I know you and John are serious about your feelings. None of us likes the idea of war. I appreciate your stand, I really do,” Rouse said.
“Can I ask a favor then?” John said. “Will you let us talk about it in class? We cover the war in social studies at least twice a week. Can we at least present our feelings to our classmates in a proper forum?”
“Okay, I’ll agree to that, but no passing out literature,” Rouse said. “You have to bring me the documents you printed up.”
“I’ll go get them now,” Alan said.
As he left the room, John pulled the permission slip out of his notebook for Rouse’s signature. The plan had worked, but this had been only a simple situation to overcome. It was going to become harder, more complicated, with greater risk. Alan wasn’t always going to be able to conjure up a vision and seduce a single obstacle into moving out of the way.
Mr. Davenport handed over the gym bag and Alan started off back towards the office. As he opened the door to the hallway beside the gym he ran right into Terry Brown.
“Hey, Terry,” Alan said. He didn’t want to get into it with Terry right now.
Terry just stared at him for a moment and then smiled. “Look, I know you’re mad at me but can we get together sometime? I need to talk to you.”
Well this was something new. “Sure, when?” Alan replied.
“How about after school,” Terry suggested. “I’m not playing any games. Can you come over to my house, I gotta baby sit my little brother.”
“Okay, I’ll make the time,” Alan said.
“Good, you won’t be disappointed.”
Terry smiled and then walked off to join his buddies waiting in the hall. Alan wondered what he wanted but was almost afraid not to go. Alan didn’t fear him anymore; he didn’t fear anyone now other than himself. His only concern was that John might not understand and that Terry would take it as a chance to try and start things up again.
They were missing lunch by now but Alan wasn’t hungry. He walked back in the office with a smile. Rouse was pleased when he handed over the manifestos, they could always make more. John showed him the permission slip and they both knew this had been a small victory for the cause. It was time to move on to bigger things.
They hung out in the outer office until the fifth period bell rang and then went to see Mr. Bell, the social studies teacher. He wasn’t going to be a problem. In fact, he welcomed dissent in his classroom.
“Hey there, Mr. Bell,” Alan said. “Can we talk a moment before class?”
“Uh oh, what have you guys cooked up?” He knew them both pretty well by now so they told him. He looked at Rouse’s signed note and shrugged.
“Looks like you guys are trying stir up some trouble, but that’s alright with me. Just don’t quote me but we need a little excitement around here. When do you want to make the presentation?”
“I was hoping we could do it Friday, that’s when Dulan has time to be here,” John said.
“And who is Dulan?” Bell asked.
“He’s a Buddhist monk from Tibet, this is a kind of show and tell project,” John suggested.
“Really? This sounds interesting. Maybe I should invite all my classes to see your guest?” Bell said.
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” John said, “Mr. Rouse might not like that.”
“Hey, this is my class, I’ll talk to him. How about we just do an assembly at sixth period? Just let me know when you’re ready to make the presentation.”
“Yes sir, we will,” Alan said.
Five social studies classes meant one hundred and seventy-five students. That was twice as many students as they had hoped to reach with the manifesto. Poor Rouse, they’d pulled an end run around his edict banning the material. Alan hoped he wasn’t going to be too pissed off when he realized what happened.
John couldn’t stop grinning at him the whole period, which made it even more difficult for Alan to tell him where he wanted to go after school. John was still laughing during gym class at the end of the day when Alan finally had to say something.
“I have to go see Terry after school today,” Alan explained.
John raised only one eyebrow. “I think the boy still has the hots for you” He said.
“Oh man, I hope not. I was hoping to be able to smooth out our bumpy relationship, you know I think the whole thing was really my fault, I started it.”
“Well don’t feel bad, you weren’t aware of your abilities back then, besides, you’re a sucker for a pretty face,” John teased. “Just don’t enjoy it too much if he goes for you again.”
“Yeah right, that’s what worries me, what if he does? I don’t want it to seem like I’m putting him down,” Alan said.
“Just remember he dumped you and I never will,” John said.
Was there a little jealousy in the air? John drove Alan home and they stopped on the wooded lane to kiss before reaching the house.
“Call me later?” John asked.
“I’ll tell you all about it, have no fear,” Alan said. “Maybe he just wants some advice on how to keep a relationship going. After all I have that experience now.”
“Right, Alan Sommers, relationship counselor. Maybe he just wants a good recipe for chicken soup …good luck.”
“See ya, babe,” Alan said.
As he drove towards Terry’s house Alan knew John was right, the guy would never be able to offer him anything like what he had right now. Terry lived in a small two story brick and aluminum siding affair, a modest home compared to Alan’s neighborhood.
There were no other cars in the driveway so he pulled in and parked. Knocking on the kitchen door, he remembered the last time he had been here. It had been last summer, back when they were friends and a whole lot more. A boy answered the door, Terry’s little brother Brad. The kid had grown up considerably since last summer. If anything he looked spectacular clad only in a pair of sweatpants. Oh shit.
“Hey, Alan…remember me?” Brad asked.
“Sure do, Brad, but you’ve gotten bigger,” Alan said. “Where is Terry?”
“Mom took him to the plaza when he got home from school, can you wait until they get back?” Brad asked.
“Yeah, sure.” They walked into the living room and stood facing each other. “So what have you been up to?” Alan asked.
“Seventh grade, man. It sucks.”
“I remember that too, it’s hard to be on the bottom with all those ninth graders picking on you,” Alan said.
“Terry says you’re queer, is that true?” Brad asked out of the blue.
“What…?”
“He told me to watch out for you, but that was a long time ago, back when you guys stopped being friends,” Brad said.
“What an asshole, maybe I just ought to go,” Alan said.
“It’s okay, I think it’s cool,” Brad said. “Terry won’t tell me nothing about you. Did you guys, you know, did you do it?”
“Brad, your brother isn’t gay. So why all the questions?” Alan asked.
“I dunno, I like to know stuff . What’s it like, you know, getting fucked?”
“That’s pretty personal, Brad. You’ll get a girlfriend someday and find out all about it.” What was with this kid?
“Yeah, I jerk off now,” Brad said with a grin, “But I don’t cum as much as Terry, he’s got a really big dick.”
“You and Terry…? Alan asked. Oh shit.
“Sure, we’ve done it for years,” Brad said. “But I won’t let him fuck me.”
Shit, the kid was telling him all kinds of stuff he really didn’t want to know. “I think maybe we ought to change the subject,” Alan suggested, “Terry might get upset if we talk about that kind of stuff.”
“That’s all right, we don’t do it anymore,” Brad said. “But if you want we could go back to my room…”
They both heard the kitchen door open and Brad turned to switch on the television. Shit, the kid was a mind blower.
“Hey, Alan, sorry you had to wait. What’s going on?” Terry asked from the kitchen doorway.
“Brad has been telling me about school. Remember all the stuff we had to put up with in seventh grade?” Alan said.
“Oh, I hated that crap. New Math, what a crock of…”
“Terry dear, let’s not use language like that around your brother,” Mrs. Morton said standing in the doorway behind him. “Hello, Alan, how have you been?”
“Fine, Mrs. Morton, I had a great vacation,” Alan replied.
“Terry told me you went to New York, did you enjoy the city?” she asked.
“Too many people, I was glad to come home.”
So Terry had known he went to New York. This was the first notice Alan had that Terry was interested in what he was doing.
“Would you like to stay for dinner, Alan?” Mrs. Morton asked.
He looked at Terry who nodded imperceptibly and smiled.
“Yes, Ma’am,” Alan said, “That would be nice, thank you.”
“You better call your folks then,” She said, retreating back into the kitchen.
Terry turned towards the basement door and Alan gave Brad a brief smile. The boy smiled back and squeezed the bulge in his crotch before he went down the hall to his room.
Terry took Alan down to the basement recreation room to use the phone. Predictably the folks were pleased he was seeing Terry again, he knew they were beginning to wonder about his relationship with John. Alan finally put down the phone and Terry smiled at him.
“So what have you been up to?” Terry asked.
“Lots of things, you want to hear about them all?” Alan asked, or maybe he just wanted to know about John.
“Where have you been hanging out?” He asked.
“Like you don’t already know? I’m in a relationship, is that what you’re really asking about?”
“Yeah, I guess,” He said.
“You know John Bateman, the guy I’m with all the time. We sort of discovered each other. That’s pretty much it. Except he’s a Buddhist and I think I’m becoming one too.”
“Yeah, I know John. He’s the guy who totaled Larry Franks,” Terry said.
“I saw you there,” Alan said.
“Larry and I played around a little when we were in ninth grade. That was before he became a jock and a real asshole. But you don’t know about those days. I just came to see if he would get his ass kicked. What John did was most enjoyable.”
“I love him, Terry.”
“Oh…I didn’t know…”
“Look man, I know we’ve never really talked about this but you broke off the friendship with me, remember? It was hard for you to understand your feelings back then, you obviously still have issues with it. But I’d like to be your friend, Terry. I’ve always liked you a lot.”
“Yeah, I like you too. I was just hoping…you know.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. Have you decided what you want? Or is that still too personal?”
“Not yet, maybe…I don’t know,” Terry said. “I wish things were different for us.”
That was quite an admission, maybe there was hope for this guy after all.
“I’m sorry, “Alan said. “I’m sure it would be easier for you since you know where my head is at, but there are others out there too.”
“I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore, the whole queer scene just gives me the creeps,” Terry said. “You’re right, you made it so easy. I just wish we could have that back again.”
“There are other guys if that’s what you want. Why don’t you give it a rest for a while, just hang out with friends and see what happens? I’m here for you, Terry. Just being your friend again means a lot to me.”
Terry blushed but a smile crept to his lips. “You’ve always been good to me, even when I was such a shit to you, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, it was as much my fault,” Alan said.
“I smell dinner,” Terry said, rising to his feet, “Let’s go see.”
Alan stood too but Terry hesitated, he wanted something more between them and Alan hugged him. Terry stood limply in his arms, there was no emotional stirring. One minute the boy was running hot and the next cold. Terry had some serious issues eating away at him.
Dinner was a strange affair, what with two boys looking at him the whole time. Alan didn’t want to know what Terry was thinking and Brad? Brad was an open book at the moment. But he never even considered taking a peek at the pages in either mind. It might just drive him up the wall to know how much lust was coming his way across that table along with Mrs. Morton’s meatloaf.
Terry he could understand. At the very least he was capable of being sexual on both sides of the fence. Girls had to find him attractive, he was a handsome boy. But after that event with the teacher at the private school, well, he was sure Terry was still maintaining a low profile.
Brad on the other hand was running full open on testosterone. He couldn’t possibly be gay, could he? That would be too much. Alan decided he would have to keep an eye on the brat.