Singer Without a Song

Chapter Nine

The transmission of the bus down shifted as the driver made the turn and Alan came awake as the whine of the engine picking up speed filled the cabin. Where were they now? He looked down at John’s head resting in his lap. The boy was peacefully asleep and had been for hours. Alan had felt nothing but anxiety since they left the city and could only drift off now and then. What were they about to do?

Out through the frosty glaze on the window he could see a lush forest deep in the throes of a late winter storm. The weatherman in Albany had predicted only four inches of snow for this afternoon but that was back in civilization, up here it had to be twice as deep. This monastery must be in one of the remotest places in the state. Why had he let John talk him into this?

Looking down at the sleeping form, Alan got his answer. He would have faced the deepest freeze in the Arctic just to be with John. But maybe that was a bad choice of words right at the moment, it sure was cold out there. John mumbled in his sleep and Alan held him closer, they were the only passengers on the bus now. The smart people had gotten off in the last town.

The past four months had been the most agreeable of his life. John had become so close to him it was as if they wore the same skin. They had not done anything but sleep when they were in the same bed and Alan was at first surprised to find that even this seemed natural.

His boyfriend had gone from the straight world to the gay in no time at all, and with such ease. Alan knew he should be glad they had come this far in such a short time. The lack of sex did nothing to change his feelings. John was his boyfriend and they were that much in love.

John had really opened up too, exposing Alan to the life he had led as an Army brat and the constant level of poverty that plagued the average military family. His photo album showed a happy family in dismal surroundings, which explained a lot to Alan about the way John felt about ‘things.’

He was not at all covetous of his possessions, in fact he had very few. At first Alan thought this was a Buddhist trait manifesting itself but then he began to realize how spoiled he was. The Bateman’s television was still a black and white set. It said a lot about the way this family pulled together to survive and Alan could feel a twinge of envy at the way they managed it so carefully.

The boys had been careful not to expose anyone to how deeply they felt about each other. At Louie’s they touched and caressed but it was always hard to leave that sanctuary and become just two buddies everywhere else. The Bateman family treated Alan like a member of their clan and he cherished that position.

He’d once used his allowance to buy them all fried chicken for dinner. Mrs. Bateman didn’t bat an eyelash although her recipe for chicken was much better. She always made him feel welcome in their home.

The Sergeant was another matter. Mr. Bateman was Alan’s deepest worry. If he ever found out about the relationship there would be hell to pay. Fortunately he worked a lot of time at the Pentagon, which kept him out of the house.

From Alan’s observations, the Sergeant was a gruff man. He was often short with his wife and in the past Alan knew he had sometimes been violent with his children. Fortunately, John was the youngest and he said the ‘Old Man’ was getting soft in his old age.

So it was with trepidation that Alan shopped for John’s Christmas present. He didn’t want to spend too much and raise suspicions. Did Buddhists give presents anyway?

The Bateman’s had a modest Christmas tree decorated with care. The brothers appeared the day before the holiday and Alan was introduced to Frank and Brandon. Frank told them about life on the West coast and he sported a dark tan. His wife and kids were a little overwhelmed by the Sergeant but the Old Man even got down on the floor to play with his grandchildren.

Brandon talked with them about wrestling and seemed proud that his little brother was following in his footsteps. Alan liked Brandon even though he was still a total jock. He saw a lot of John’s character in his brothers.

John could believe what he wanted but the others were Christian all the way. Alan had slid his small packages under the tree on Christmas Eve, one for John and a gift for the family. That’s when he saw a package with his name on it. So John had given in and bought him something after all.

It turned out to be a book of mantras and an incense holder, how like John to be so practical. John tore the wrapping off his present and paused as he pulled forth the gold dog tags Alan had purchased. John’s fingers caressed the embossed surface and traced out the letters of his name. Alan couldn’t tell if he was touched or if he thought the gift too extravagant. John was so damn hard to read.

So now they were finally going to the monastery for fourteen days of meditation, prayer and whatever else Buddhists do. Alan still recalled the day when meditation allowed him to see the other side. That’s what he had come to think of the place he had envisioned where Tommy existed, the other reality of his universe.

Although John had denied hypnotizing him in any way, and said Alan found the place all by himself, he didn’t believe that. Maybe these monks could help him locate that corner of existence. The thought was tantalizing.

“About another ten minutes and we’ll be there,” The driver said, interrupting this train of thought. Alan saw him looking in the rear view mirror. “Better wake your buddy up.”

He gave John a gentle shake and the boy smiled in his sleep. The glass window was frigid so Alan put his hand on it for about a minute until he felt the bite in his fingers. Then he placed the hand on John’s cheek and the boy’s eyes sprang open.

“Cold,” John mumbled. He sat up and squinted through the glass, “Where are we?”

“The driver says a few more minutes and we’ll be there, we better gather our stuff,” Alan suggested. John nodded and yawned, it had been a long trip.

The packs were well strapped to their frames with sleeping bags lashed down on top. Alan pulled his gloves out of a side pocket. John was fumbling for his own pair when his shirt fell open and the dog tags flopped out.

Smiling, he grasped them, pushing them back under his T-shirt against his skin and glancing up at Alan. His eyes said it all and Alan wanted to kiss him right then for the love they shared, but he couldn’t as the bus slowed down to let them off.

“Okay boys, here we are,” The driver said. “You sure they’re expecting you? Don’t want to leave you down here at the gate alone. You might freeze if it’s not open. Go give it a try before I leave.”

Alan thanked the driver for his consideration. John zipped up his parka then hefted his pack and went to see if the gate was unlocked. The wooden gates were at least twelve feet high and massive but there was a small door in one of them that opened as John gave it a shove, they were in.

“Thank you, sir,” Alan said to the driver, “Have a safe trip home.”

He zipped up and clomped down the steps in his snow boots. The doors squealed shut behind him and the bus drove slowly away. Standing before the gates, Alan listened to the silence of the falling snow before stepping through the door and into another world.

John was waiting inside before a small shrine placed just beside the gates. Alan saw a strange little deity sitting on the tiny altar inside.

“These Buddhists are followers of the Tantric Vajrayana,” John said. “Originally the form migrated to Tibet from India many centuries ago and brought along some of the mysticism and magic you find so fascinating. I can’t see a single building from here, can you?”

“No, maybe we just better follow the road. It’ll be dark in about two hours and we don’t want to be stuck out here,” Alan said.

They marched resolutely through the light snowfall. It had to be at least eight inches deep already. They had hiked for at least fifteen minutes without seeing a thing except deeper woods when they both heard a bell ring in the distance and picked up the pace. Within ten minutes they came to the wall and Alan looked for an opening facing the road but there was none. John walked a few hundred feet towards the east and found it.

It was a small wooden door, set at the base of the wall and only about three feet square. A monk’s door, designed to keep out evil influences and probably the local tax collector. There was a rope hanging down the wall here and when John pulled on it a small bell rang somewhere inside.

They were stamping their feet to keep warm when the little door opened and a head popped out. It was the older monk they had met in Maryland.

“Ahh, you are here, how wonderful. Welcome, welcome, please come in.”

They shoved the packs through and scrambled after them into a tiny courtyard which stood before the main building.

“Welcome,” The monk repeated. “Remember me? My name is Namkhai and you are Alan and John, yes? We have been expecting you. But it is very cold for traveling. Please, you must place your possessions in your sleeping quarters and come have hot tea. I will show you the way.”

They ascended some beautifully crafted wooden stairs and found themselves on a porch that seemed to encircle the closest building. Namkhai led them around the porch and they came to yet another set of stairs. Up they climbed, their packs getting heavy. This building had many doors along the side and he led them to a door near the end.

“This is your sleeping room,” Namkhai said. “You will not mind sharing a sleeping pallet? It becomes a blessing when the cold winds blow,” He chuckled. “It is not so cold as Tibet and I am thankful, we would have no monks if it was too cold.” He laughed and they supposed this to be a joke so they chuckled too, the man seemed pleased.

John and Alan lay their packs down on the hard surface of the wooden rack covered with a simple straw mattress. This would be their bed for the next two weeks. Alan noticed the monk wore fleece lined slippers. But his robe didn’t cover all of him although it looked heavy and warm. Wasn’t he cold? Before they left the room he noticed a small electric heater in the corner. It looked no bigger than a toaster. Was that supposed to keep them warm?

They descended the staircase and entered a long brick building. It was warmer in here, but still a little bit drafty. The communal dining hall looked like something out of a medieval castle. A vaulted wooden ceiling with large support beams and a vast fireplace at one end with blazing logs already in place.

“You have come in time for supper,” Their guide said.

Alan was happy to hear that, he was starved. They had brought along some food to supplement the diet the monastery would feed them, but those rations might be needed later on.

Namkhai led them into the room and filled them both a cup of tea from the waiting pot. It was hot and wet, their only two requirements at the moment. Alan gulped it down and then headed over to stand in front of the fire.

“We will have supper in just a few minutes, so please, you stay here and I will inform the Rinpoche you have arrived, he will be delighted,” Namkhai told them, and then he left.

“So what do you think so far,” John asked.

“Glad we bought the thirty-below sleeping bags. Did you see that dinky heater in our room? Maybe they’ll let us sleep in here, this feels toasty warm.”

“We’ll have to keep each other warm,” John said.

“I like the sound of that. Do we have to wear robes? Man, my gonads will freeze.”

“You’re free to go as deeply into the experience as you desire, Alan. Don’t follow me because you think you have to, you won’t make me angry. I want you to have a learning experience. Will you be okay will all of this?”

“Our paths have become one road, who am I to place stones in our way?” Alan said.

“Have you been reading that book I gave you?” John asked.

“Yeah, it seems like the proper analogy for our situation.”

The knowledge of Buddhist teachings and the experience they were about to have would bond them together. Alan really believed that, it would be hard but worth it. That is if they didn’t freeze to death in the process.

“Thank you for being here with me,” John said.

Monks began to gather in the room for their supper and Alan noticed that there were many different types. The Tibetans stood out for their coarse robes and fur trimmed jackets. The American’s robes were of softer cloth and they wore more traditional winter gear.

Alan noticed they weren’t the only boys in street clothes either, there were four others. So these monks did take in outsiders, presumably to study and seek the Way. Alan had a momentary flash, what if John wanted to stay on, what if he didn’t want to leave in two weeks? But his parents wouldn’t allow it…would they?

They sat at long tables and were given huge bowls of lentil soup with chunks of fresh dark bread. Alan ate ravenously while John ate slowly, studying the others around him. The Tibetans were gathered at one table around a much older monk and Alan assumed this was the abbot, their Rinpoche. After a time had passed Namkhai came down the tables towards them.

“The Rinpoche begs you will join him for tea later, after the meal,” Namkhai said.

“We would be grateful for his wisdom,” John said.

The monk smiled. “I will come for you,” He said.

They seemed to be objects of some curiosity after that encounter and while Alan remained silent, John spoke to several others. There was another boy at the table about their age, maybe a little older. He had a shaved head and wore a knit cap for warmth. Alan figured he was a novice monk, an American who’d come to join the monastery for whatever reasons.

The boy had a startlingly beautiful face, almost angelic in appearance and Alan found him attractive despite the dirty gray robe he wore. They were sitting across the table from one another and Alan offered him bread as the tray came around. He smiled at Alan’s gesture

“You’re quiet,” The boy said to Alan between mouthfuls.

“I’m a stranger to this place, it seemed better to listen,” Alan replied.

“My name is Joshua,” The boy said, “At least for now, until they decide what to do with me.”

“I’m Alan, until they decide what, to let you stay here?”

“Yeah, I have no other place to go, so this might be the place, if they let me.”

“What would stop you?” Alan asked.

Joshua looked upset at the question and Alan almost apologized for intruding when the boy answered, “I’m a junkie.” He then got up and walked towards the doorway that led to the porch outside.

Alan gave John a squeeze under the table and whispered in his ear, “I got to see a man about something.” John nodded back and watched him leave as he went after Joshua.

The boy was standing out in the cold, watching the snow fall in the darkening sky. Alan zipped up his parka and joined him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have intruded on your private affairs,” Alan said.

“You and your buddy must have clout, I’ve been here six months and they won’t let me even talk to the Rinpoche yet.”

“Do you know why?” Alan asked.

“Because I’m on the edge,” He said. “Do you have a cigarette?”

“Sorry, I don’t smoke.”

“Well that’s a drug too, they forbid it here anyway.” He sniffed the cold air and spat over the rail.

“How did you find this place?” Alan asked.

“They found me, no…they saved me,” He said. Alan could see in the boy’s eyes that he wanted to talk, to trust someone. He wanted to hear what Joshua had to say and so the boy began to talk. His story, when it came tumbling out was harsh and so full of pain.

“I took a dose from some friends down towards Harlem, you know, New York City? Yeah, well it was pretty crappy stuff and it messed me up pretty bad. I fell down in this alley and almost got run over by a car but they missed me, didn’t even see me laying there in the trash. These two monks got out and went into a place across the street. I crawled into their back seat, it was so warm and I was cold, you see.

“My body was so thin from not eating I was almost freezing to death one minute and sweating from the dope the next. There was this pile of laundry back there so I tunneled under it and woke up when the car started moving again. I was in and out, you know, nodding off. I thought we’d just gone a few blocks and when I got out I was standing in the middle of this forest. A monk found me looking up at the monastery wall and here I am. I don’t think they trust me yet.”

“Is that surprising? Look how they discovered you. I read there have been assaults on Buddhist monks by guys looking for drug money,” Alan said.

“I wouldn’t hurt anybody. These folks ain’t got nothing anyway, no money, no possessions,” Joshua said. “I love them, man. They’ve been like family to me.”

“Is that why you want to stay? These are real people, they have to be asking themselves if you’re a threat to their way of life you know,” Alan said.

Joshua looked at him long and hard, it was a tough question for him no doubt. But Alan just had to know more.

“What made you become a junkie?” Alan asked.

“You never done drugs have you?” Joshua snorted.

“I smoked pot occasionally, but I ‘m sure that’s not the same thing, is it?”

“No, it’s not. You do smack or heroin and then it does you back. I got the habit from one of my so-called friends. We used to go playing with it, just me and a couple of other boys back when nobody knew any better. Didn’t think it was nothing special until I got hooked.”

“How did you afford the habit, I’m sure your family wasn’t giving you money?”

“Naw, my brother Paul is the only family I got. But he caught me stealing to buy the stuff and kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen. I’ve been on the street for five years, it sucks.”

“Were you dealing?”

“No, well, yeah a bit, but just to get my stash, you know? I ain’t proud of it but I even hustled down Times Square, it was easy money. The fags liked to pick me up cause I was young and they was into that shit.”

“You mean perverts?”

“Yeah, these guys were just strange, but fags, homos, you know.”

“I don’t think gay men are into little boys, Joshua. But since we’re being so honest you should know that I’m gay,” Alan said.

Joshua took a step back. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see that one coming, did I? Sorry if I offended you,” He said. Alan even thought he meant it.

“No matter. So where’s your family, no relatives to take you in?” Alan asked.

“Naw, I only had my brother and a buddy Glenn. He’s gone now.”

“Did he run away or something?”

“No man, he was a druggie too. He died,” Joshua said.

“I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to lose a close friend.”

“Do you? Well, I killed him,” Joshua blurted out. “I killed him sure as I put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.”

“Tell me if you want to, it helps to talk,” Alan said.

“I don’t know, it was like…we was doin hits, you know, chippin shots in our arms like for two days and we run out of bags. I told him I knew this dude that was holdin some shit so we went and robbed a Chinaman’s grocery store to buy the stuff. I took the bags back to his place and we started to cook it up.

“So he’s got this good syringe…and I got shit, just a crappy homemade thing with an eyedropper and a used needle stuck in it. So we cook it nice and he fills up his needle but my stupid rig gets air in it all the time so I had to fill it all over again. Glenn starts to shoot his up and I’m fumblin with my shit, he smiles over at me and then it all started to go crazy.”

Joshua was breathing hard now, swallowing as if he was in a panic, his words tumbling out of his mouth a mile a minute. Alan knew he was reliving the emotions of the event and reached out a hand to steady the boy. Joshua threw his arms up in the air and beat them down on the wooden railing causing the whole deck to shake…he went on, his voice full of terror.

“Shit man, he was bleeding from his nose and mouth, he was chokin and gaspin for air, oh shit…I started screaming when blood started comin out his eyes and I yelled for help.”

Joshua was gasping for air now, more upset than before, “He was dyin right there in front of me, man. I was screamin ‘an nobody came. Glenn just lay there dead.”

Joshua broke down, tears pouring down his cheeks. “Oh God, you know what was worse, what made me feel like a fuckin whore? I kept lookin at my eyedropper and thinkin, maybe this shit is good, maybe only his needle had the battery acid in it, maybe this shit won’t kill me, maybe I can cop a buzz and I almost stuck it in my arm. It made me nuts, I have to be fuckin crazy and Glenn…oh fuck…”

Joshua was sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe. Alan wrapped his arms around the boy who was trembling so hard it shook them both. He felt guilty at getting the boy to reveal this story. It wasn’t something he really had to know except that Joshua seemed to just unload.

Maybe it was better this way; after all he knew what it was like to lose someone so dear. Alan rocked Joshua back and forth as the sobs continued.

A movement in the shadows by the door caught Alan’s attention and he saw Namkhai quietly watching. The monk nodded to him then turned to leave when he knew he had been seen. A few minutes later he came back with several monks who took Joshua from Alan’s arms and led him away. Namkhai remained and smiled warmly at him.

“The Rinpoche wishes to see you now,” He said.

He led Alan down a small hallway to a plain door where he paused, putting his hand on the boy’s arm.

“You have a kind heart, dear boy. Many are blessed with the need to help others but you have a special gift. You may go inside now, I will leave you here.”

Alan walked into an office, not unlike Mr. Rouse’s, the Montgomery High principal. A plain desk sat surrounded with four chairs and a few overstuffed bookcases, John was already there. Through a side door came an elderly monk carrying a tray filled with cups of steaming tea. Alan thought he might be a servant but John quickly rose and bowed to the man. Alan bowed as he supposed would be proper. The old man smiled as he set the tray on the desk.

“We don’t bow to one another very much, my young Masters. We are all equally miserable human beings.”

“Yes sir,” Alan said.

“I hear you just had an interesting talk with Joshua, our young stowaway.”

Alan nodded, what else did this man know?

“It may have just been the time for him to tell someone of his needs. But I think your skill in understanding people brought about the catharsis. We have been waiting for him to tell his story.” The man smiled. “Many young men come forth and divulge the darkest part of their lives here. I now think Joshua will find it possible to join us.”

“I think that’s great,” Alan said. “Will he become monk?”

“Possibly, it will be his choice. But what of you, what do you want, young master?”

“I don’t know,” Alan said. “Quite honestly I came here to be with John and see what Buddhism means to him.”

“Unselfish, I believe, but what of you? You have needs beyond the bounds of your mortal flesh. Do you not seek a path for yourself?”

The Rinpoche sat sipping his tea quietly but Alan could see his eyes sparkling, he was enjoying this.

“I suppose it would be worthwhile to learn about the things I have seen and felt,” Alan said. “John knows what I mean and maybe he can give it a better name. It’s like wanting to be able to find that other place inside me, the place where I can hear an ocean lapping at the shore.”

“He had a vision,” John said. “We were saying the mantra for the jewel of consciousness. It was really intense for him, but he thinks I hypnotized him and… “

The Rinpoche’s eyebrows went up but he showed no other outward emotion. John seemed to feel the subtlety of the moment and became silent.

“If you wish to work with us, meditate with us and live as we do for the time you are here, Master Alan, then we will welcome you. In this humble place of contemplation you may find what you seek.”

“Thank you, sir,” Alan said.

“You may go now, but my door is always open to our young visitors. I wish to speak with your friend here for a while longer.”

Alan wandered down the hall, figuring that the Rinpoche and John were discussing some intimate Buddhist details he wouldn’t understand anyway. He wondered how Joshua was doing and really hoped they would accept him here, he needed someplace to call home.

The sound of chanting caught his attention and he followed it to the carved doors of what had to be their temple. He didn’t want to open them and intrude so he went around to the side, looking for a way to sneak in unnoticed. There was a small door at the back of the building and he dared to try it. It was dark inside and Alan realized he was standing behind the figure of a large Buddha. As his eyes adjusted he saw a monk moving towards him in the gloom, it was Namkhai.

“I was hoping you might join us in meditation,” The monk whispered. “Please come and I will find you a place.”

He led Alan around the statue and they sat on cushions along one side behind the other monks. The temple held several dozen worshipers and the chanting went on despite the interruption. Settling down, Alan caught the words, hoping they would not be too complicated for him to follow. Namkhai slid a card over in front of him and pointed to the mantra, now he had a cheat sheet to follow.

Alan read the words and joined in the call to Rama to send healing energy to the world. He had seen Joshua sitting calmly in the back when he came in and hoped this mantra was for his peace of mind. The series of words was complicated but they soon became a background to his innermost thoughts as he looked up at the smiling Buddha.

The manifestations of Buddhism seemed to be a series of truths and rules that allowed the follower to achieve many goals, the attainment of everlasting peace being the foremost objective. Alan thought about the violence manifest in the world right now and realized that this was a task of gigantic proportion.

The war in Vietnam was still his biggest fear. He and John were going to enroll in college, anything to avoid the military. He just couldn’t see himself in uniform, one of the nameless hordes in green trained only to kill. No, it just wasn’t on his list of things to accomplish in life.

Namkhai touched his arm and Alan realized the monks had stopped chanting but he was still mumbling the words.

“You were deep in thought,” The man kindly said, “I did not wish to disturb you.”

“I was thinking about the destruction of the world,” Alan said. “Since we began the war in Vietnam it often intrudes in my thoughts and frightens me.”

“We are all afraid of the horrors of war, Master Alan. That is why we pray for peace. I saw many people die in my own land from the senseless brutality of the Chinese soldiers. Someday I hope to return and bring the words of peace to my people, maybe not in this lifetime, but I pray for guidance.”

“We are fortunate that war has never come to our country in the modern age,” Alan said. “Surely if we could feel the heat of battle where we live this country would not be so quick to anger and engage in senseless fighting.”

Namkhai nodded. “The Christians have a verse in their Bible that says, ‘and a child shall lead them.’ If only the old men who run this country could hear your words. They contain much wisdom for one so young. I am glad our paths have crossed Master Alan, I can learn much from you.”

His words startled Alan, what could Namkhai possibly learn from a high school boy?

“But I’m just a novice,” Alan said, “I came here to learn from you.”

Namkhai only smiled in return and Alan suddenly felt very tired and covered his mouth as he yawned.

“It has been a long journey for you today, best that you go and rest now. Our day begins very early in the monastery.”

“How will I know when to rise?” Alan asked.

“We will call you to prayer, have no fear, you will know,” He laughed. “May the peace of Buddha bring you a restful sleep, young Master.”

Alan followed him out into the cold darkness and scurried towards the room they had been assigned. He could see light burning under several doors along the way. Buddhism seemed to require a great deal of study and he imagined these men must read late into the night to keep up. He hoped Joshua was doing alright. There had been no chance to thank the boy for his honesty.

He found John unpacking a few things in their sleeping room. No, this wasn’t a room, it was a cell. All it lacked was bars on the window, but first it needed to have that window, this was a cave.

“Did you have a nice chat with the Rinpoche?” Alan asked.

“He’s really a wonderful man. I think we’ll get along great. I’m setting up a program of study that will cover a whole spectrum of Buddhist history. I want enough information to be able to plan a good peace movement when we get home.”

“Cool, Namkhai and I talked about that too. So you guys didn’t talk about me after I left?” Alan asked.

“Yes we did, it’s not a secret, Alan. He’s curious about our relationship.”

“Uh oh, is that bad for you?

“No, everything is just fine, trust me. You look pretty beat,” John said.

“Right now my eyelids are so heavy I just might pass out. Are you planning to sleep anytime soon?” Alan asked.

“Now is fine with me, did they warn you about the early wake up?” John replied.

“It must be the Buddhist version of reveille, gongs and bells.”

“I guess, but it happens at four in the morning,” John said.

“Oh shit, and they don’t drink coffee, do they?” Alan groaned.

They laid out the sleeping bags side by side on the pallet. The heater was going full blast and as expected it had no noticeable effect on the cold. Hurriedly stripping down to long johns, they dived in the bags. John reached up and pulled the string hanging down from the bare light bulb and everything went black. Alan snuggled down in the bag, zipping himself in tight.

“Good Night, Alan, sleep well.”

“You too, John, and thanks for bringing me along. I love you.”

“I think love is really a very Buddhist concept, all things have an affinity for one another in nature,” He replied.

“So…?”

“I’m sorry, what I meant to say was…I love you too, Alan.”

Alan closed his eyes and the sandman took him into a dreamless sleep.

Bong…kabong…bong…kabong, he sat bolt upright. Damn, he’d just gone to sleep, right? Alan grabbed for his watch and the lighted dial said four o’clock. Bong…kabong, the temple bell rang once again. Finally the light came on. Poor John had been frantically trying to find the damn string to the bulb in the dark.

“Oh man, this is real, isn’t it?” He asked.

“Afraid so,” Alan said and gave him a hug. John smiled and kissed him on the nose.

“That’s far enough,” John said. “Now I’m warning you I’ve got a hard on because I gotta piss. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea when I get out of my sleeping bag.”

“I suppose you can just go and piss over the rail outside, a very Tibetan solution to the problem.”

“No way, it’ll freeze off. Besides there’s a pot over there in the corner for just that purpose.”

Alan reached for his jeans which seemed to be frozen stiff. He listened to John pissing in the bucket.

“We better get dressed before we freeze. Will you look at my pants?” Alan asked.

“They’re frozen,” John chuckled, “Didn’t you take them in the bag with you last night?

“Hey, I’m no good at camping in the freezing cold,” Alan moaned.

“You’d better dig out another pair because I’m not sharing mine,” John said.

“Oh funny boy, four am and you’re funny, thanks.”

That was almost the last exchange they had until later that afternoon. Alan realized that time just seemed suspended in the monastery. John went with the Rinpoche at dawn after the monastic ritual of morning prayers. Alan was immediately taken in hand by Namkhai.

They sat in the study, a room within the larger part of the monastery. At least it was warm in there. Namkhai brought out texts that had been translated from the ancient Sanskrit to French and then to English. The latter suffered in all the shuffling of words and Alan had to ask a lot of questions. Namkhai was the embodiment of patience.

“So many religions have practices that are best described as unusual, secretive or mystical. Tantric Buddhism practice uses mental focus to achieve enlightenment in body and mind. Tantra is like a holy writing?” Namkhai searched for the word.

“Scripture, the text of religious practice,” Alan ventured.

“Yes, it means that and more. Buddhism takes on many forms. To the outside world we are a religion when in truth it is a way of life and a means of examining that life. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, directs our spiritual form, but there are many divisions amongst us. Our goals may be the same, but there are many paths one might follow.”

“Why do you suppose I can see things in my mind?” Alan asked.

“The ability to reach into the next level of consciousness is often the result of years of learning to focus the energy,” Namkhai said. “Your body depends on the mind for guidance. The practice of yoga is a means of discipline for the body and thus the mind is freed for its journey. Will you tell me the first time you felt out of your body and into a different consciousness?”

Alan knew this was coming, was he prepared to tell the monk about Tommy? He figured he would have to, at this level all learning had to be a matter of trust between student and master.

“I guess I always found it easy to analyze things, even as a young boy. Events in my life seemed to have no order about them so I used what I thought was intuition to understand them and not always very well. These are all things I can see now. I didn’t have a clue when I was younger. My awareness always seemed to happen in response to an emotional event in my life. Sometimes it can seem so very overwhelming. Like when my friend Tommy died.”

“Ah, you had a friend die, a powerful influence,” Namkhai said.

“The last time I dwelt upon it I had a vision, fortunately John was there. You know, I really think he made the vision happen, like he hypnotized me or something.”

“Please tell me about your friend and let’s talk about the feelings as they develop, I will stop you if I feel anything change in you.”

“You can feel my thoughts?” Alan asked.

“It is my way,” He responded with a smile. “A place where I may focus my energies and heal.”

“I don’t really understand the vision. What do you think?” Alan asked.

“I think it is cold outside and we are safe and warm in this room, nothing else matters at this time. Tell me about your friend Tommy.”

Alan sat for a moment and decided to begin at the beginning. As he focused on describing the physical attributes Tommy had and the antics the boy induced him to follow, Alan felt a shift begin to happen inside. Even as he began to describe the physical relationship, he knew it would begin leading him into an emotional conclusion and now things seemed to be losing focus.

“Stop, please,” Namkhai said, “What changes do you feel?”

“Wow, I just felt a small shift. But of what? My mind was looking ahead, knowing that I would soon be approaching a place where I would have to tell you how I felt about him beyond the physical aspect of our relationship.”

“Emotions are the means by which the mind captures the body. Anger, fear, joy, sorrow, these things have no physical manifestation until the mind forces the body to react,” Namkhai said. “Love is also such an emotion, Master Alan. It does not always affect the proper response from the body.”

“I know, I’ve allowed my body to rule my mind too often. Sex is a powerful drug, I can see why devout Buddhists avoid it,” Alan said.

“Everything is inspired by thought or a lack of thought,” The monk said, and he smiled. “Sex is such a thing. I was a boy once, too, you know. I suffered the temptations of my body. Then my true path was revealed and so I put aside my childish thoughts. Do you know the word duhkha?”

Alan shook his head, “No, it’s new to me.”

“The Buddha began his spiritual path when he realized duhkha. It may be called the suffering of the world but there are many ways it is manifest. We suffer from the moment of birth to the death of our bodies. It is the nature of our existence in this world. Those who seek only pleasure are missing the fullness of their lives. Everything has a place in the balance of the universe.”

“So my emotions are part of the pain in my life?” Alan asked.

“Ah, yes…and no,” Namkhai said. “Understanding duhkha means knowing that pain is universal, it is not just your own loss that makes you cry, tears belong to us all. I stopped you a few moments ago because I felt a change in your feelings and wanted you to recognize it, shall we continue?”

Alan knew that John helped him enter the vision by using the mantras so he began to chant and Namkhai sat in silence. Om Mani Padme Ohm. The repetition brought his body to a relaxed state and Alan felt his mind begin to drift.

As before, he saw a brightness surrounding the periphery of his sight and then it cleared. Suddenly he heard the sound of children’s voices, laughing and taunting.

“Come on you little faggot, put it in your mouth.”

“No, I won’t,” Came the reply. Alan knew that voice.

They were in a dense clump of bushes beside a brick wall. The scene was familiar, and he realized this was his old elementary school. Oh damn, it was Brian Schmidt and this was fourth grade, the day of his greatest humiliation as a child.

They had been playing kick ball against the side of the building when Mrs. Adams left the playground, taking Janet Russell’s bloody nose inside to the nurse. Alan had been dragged into the bushes by three pairs of willing hands, and now two of the boys held him down on his knees. Brian had pulled his ten-year-old stiffie out of his pants and was waving it in Alan’s face, ordering him to open his mouth.

Brian and Alan had spent the night over at a mutual friend’s house the weekend before. They had both pulled out their little pricks and played with them, wishing they were bigger. Then Alan made the dumb move, he touched Brian’s cock with his hand and then put it in his mouth. Brian seemed to like it then because he had Alan do it several times that night. Somehow it was now public knowledge and Alan knew he would have to suck every cock in school if he didn’t shut things down right away.

“Come on, do it again, sissy boy,” Brian said. He knew Mrs. Adams would return soon.

The vision had placed Alan inside his ten-year-old self, seeing through his own eyes. The other boy’s fist hit his left eye and he felt Brian trying to pry his jaws open. Alan opened his mouth and Brian slid himself right in. Then Alan bit down on him.

Brian’s screams filled the air and the two accomplices vanished. Alan let go as Brian sank to the ground holding his penis. He looked up at Alan through his tears.

“Why’d you do that,” He sobbed, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Alan looked down at the little boy crying and it suddenly hit him. Brian really had wanted to have sex with him. The bully routine was only a cover up to find out if Alan was agreeable. Brian’s face was a mask of pain. Alan had destroying any chance he may have had of ever sharing pleasure with this boy again. Turning slowly, Alan stepped back through the branches and his world went white once again.

Om Mani Padme Ohm, he was still chanting. Namkhai sat peacefully beside him. Alan suddenly remembered what he had just seen and stopped.

“Oh, that was terrible,” He said. “Poor Brian, I hurt him for nothing, damn.”

“Do you have some understanding of the moment? I saw you inflict pain in response to pain, both the physical and emotional were present, they were the same.”

“Poor Brian,” Alan repeated, “He really did like me I guess. I think he might have accepted me as a homosexual, maybe he had those feelings, too. But we were so young, there was no expressing these things to one another, it just couldn’t have happened. He hurt me to mask the true feelings he had towards me, I retaliated. It was all so senseless. But you know all this don’t you? You saw it just as I did, how can you do that?”

“I am but the servant of my master,” Namkhai said. “Now you see there is much that you can learn here. Strength is balanced by weakness, just as love and hate are two sides of the same coin. You will understand both as one in time. There is no chance to change what is past, we may only learn from it. A man may cross a river only once, it will not be the same when he crosses it yet again.”

“Thank you for the wisdom you have given me,” Alan said.

“Ah, silly boy, I have given you nothing,” Namkhai chuckled. “Wisdom is not given, it is shared. The body of knowledge already exists. You only needed to be shown how to find it. Go now, we will try again tomorrow.”

Alan walked the planks of the wide porch with care. Ice had begun to intrude on the walkways. John wasn’t in their sleeping quarters or any other place he looked. It was not time to eat and the temple was empty, where could he be?

Alan climbed a steep ladder-like staircase to the top of the temple building, maybe he could see over the wall from up here. Then he heard the sound of birds chattering and knew John was close.

The room he stepped into was full of birds in flight, moving here and there around the bright room. He could see small finches, parakeets and the bright yellow of canary birds, all mingled with other colors of the rainbow. There must have been fifty birds in the room, which was lined with small elegant bamboo cages. Then he saw John and had to laugh.

The boy was sitting on the floor covered in birds and the things birds do. But he was smiling, a beatific smile that expressed harmony with the world he had entered. Right then Alan saw clearly why he was in love. John’s emotions were so close to the surface, there was no duplicity in his feelings about life or their relationship.

Alan heard a noise and turned just as an elderly monk emerged from a back room carrying a small cage. He waved at Alan, that curious underhanded wave used by many Asian cultures that said ‘come here.’ Alan crossed the room and the old man acted like he had been there all along.

“Go place this near the watering trough,” He said, “We will catch him that way.”

Alan went to do his bidding and then the old man seemed to realize this boy was new to the picture.

“Oh, where do you come from?” He said the accent heavy on his tongue.

“My name is Alan, Grandfather. I am John’s friend and I came to find him.”

“Oh, he is studying to be a tree, do you see?” The old man said, delighted to explain what seemed so obvious. He grinned somewhat toothlessly and quickly left the room again.

“Yes, Grandfather, he looks like he’s enjoying himself,” Alan said to the swirl of air he left behind, no matter.

This place was wonderful and Grandfather seemed to be very much a part of the whole. Alan did not know the old man’s name but one could never go wrong using the honorific Grandfather to an elderly man.

The tall glass windows kept the place warm and Alan could see that there was also baseboard heating built in as well. Maybe they could sleep up here? These birds looked like they could escape if they desired but they didn’t seem the least bit inclined to leave. Here they had food, water and the kind attention of the Buddha, he was beginning to understand how they felt.

Somehow in the unfailing search for the new and different, John had stumbled upon Grandfather’s lair. Alan recalled his love for all things in nature and especially the ornithological conversations between John and Louie. Alan looked over at him, thinking he might be in a trance but John was only transformed by a state of sheer bliss.

“Aren’t they wonderful?” John said.

“They certainly have taken to you, oh watch out, that one is about to bite your ear…oops, too late,” Alan chuckled.

“Aw, they’ve been nibbling on me for an hour, I’m used to it. Sit with me, will you?”

“Do I have to ask Grandfather’s permission?”

“His name is Deeban, but Grandfather sounds fine too, good thinking,” John said. “He’s the oldest monk here and speaks little English. I came up here to look over the wall and found all this. How are you doing?”

“I came up here for the same reason, we do think alike,” Alan said. “John, do you know that Namkhai can read minds, not just read them but see what’s in them as well?”

“Did you have another of those visions?”

“Yes, he led me into it just like you did but he must have seen it in his own mind, how is that possible?” Alan asked.

“There is much about the mystic practices I don’t understand,” John said. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if Namkhai is a very special person. Tell me what happened.”

Surrounded by the chaos of the aviary, Alan explained his morning visit with Namkhai and the jump back to childhood. His excitement at having discovered a truth about a past event was contagious. They soon became entangled in analyzing how the monk had brought these revelations to Alan’s thoughts.

“I just feel that Namkhai isn’t telling me everything about his involvement, shouldn’t he be more open?” Alan asked.

“Much of the power accumulated by the monks is kept hidden,” John reminded him, “Remember Alan, it hasn’t always been this easy for them to practice their beliefs. The mysticism within the Buddhist Tantric order has been suppressed for centuries but there still have to be some who carry the basic elements, the dharmas are with them.”

“This stuff is dynamite. Can you imagine the level of power they must control?”

“I think our friend Namkhai is something very special but I hesitate to name it,” John said.

“Don’t tell me you’re superstitious?” Alan asked.

“No, it’s not that, it just seems so unbelievable. If it were true, the mere presence of such a holy person would be beyond comprehension, the true essence of spiritual enlightenment.”

“Is that possible?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think he has much competition, if that’s what you’re asking. Oh man, think of the knowledge he must have learned to get this far. We are in the presence of the most wonderful person, his significance to this monastery is already evident,” John said.

“But the Rinpoche is their leader, isn’t he.”

“Yes, a role he probably would gladly put aside just to be an ordinary monk, but someone has to be in charge. Namkhai is probably a recent development here. But you’re closer to him now. Why don’t you ask him?”

“Won’t that be prying?” Alan asked.

“Only if he doesn’t trust you with the information,” John said. “But I think from what you told me about your session with him this morning you two are going to get along fine, trust is implicit.”

“My head hurts,” Alan said. “I feel like so much is happening so fast.”

“Here, have a parakeet to soothe your mind.” It was John’s way of distracting him and it seemed to work as they played with the birds, cleaned their cages and saw to their basic needs.

They were both covered with bird droppings but it all felt wonderful until they reported for supper and noses sniffed at them from a distance. They took the food back to their sleeping room and ate in silence. Finally John spoke up.

“I suggest a bath if you can handle the sight of my naked body.”

“The curve of your neck as you sit there fully clothed is just as likely to inspire lust in me. I promised to put aside sexuality this week. I am keeping that promise,” Alan said.

“Good, we stink real bad, buddy boy.”

Alan noted that the bathing facilities in a monastery leave much to be desired, and they certainly didn’t inspire any feelings of luxury or lust. Afterwards they dressed in clean clothes and John said he had promised to help clean the altar in the temple, a ritual cleansing. Alan decided to see if he could find Joshua. They had not spoken since the night before and he hoped the boy didn’t regret revealing his life’s story to a total stranger.

The evening chill had driven almost everyone indoors but Alan learned that Joshua was still out in the barn with the animals. It was one of the nice things about the monastery, fresh milk from their own herd of goats to enrich the diet. He zipped up and took the path through the forest beyond the wall. The garage was closed up but he could see a light out in the back part of the barn and hear the sound of goats thumping around in their stalls.

The single door at the end of the path led him into the cavernous space between piles of feed and bedding hay. The pungent smell of animals confined for the winter assaulted the nostrils but he could also feel the warmth these animals produced. He walked to the edge of the pens and saw Joshua with a small goat in his arms moving across the enclosed space. The boy set the little animal down beside its mother and was greeted with a loud bleat of sound, she was happy. It was a beautiful scene and the serenity on the boy’s face showed that he cared for his flock.

“Hi, Joshua,” Alan called.

The boy turned at the greeting and waved Alan towards the gate at the end of the pen.

“Alan, how are you? I was wondering if we would get a chance to talk after I laid that heavy trip on you last night.”

“No, I enjoyed the insight. Actually I was afraid you might think I was prying into your personal life,” He said.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a personal life anymore. You’re looking at just another lowly novice tending the flock that feeds his brothers.” Joshua might have been complaining but he wore a smile as he spoke. “I should be thanking you for making me face up to my past.”

“Do you have a moment? I don’t want to keep you from your chores,” Alan asked.

“I’m just finishing up, come on, I have some tea left, want a cup?”

“Sure, it was a cold walk out here.”

They sat on a couple of hay bales and Joshua shared out the remainder of his herbal tea, a blend the monks made and Alan was beginning to like a whole lot. The boy handed him the cup and then paused, his hand on Alan’s arm.

“I really do need to thank you for putting up with my tears, I haven’t cried like that since I was a kid,” Joshua said.

“That’s okay, I cry like that all the time when I think about some of the worst parts of my life. I’m happy for you, it turned out so well. I mean, the past nearly killed you and now you have a new family here,” Alan said. “I’ve only been exposed to the Buddhist philosophy for such a short time and yet this seems like a wonderful place to live.”

“I’m no good with words, ya know. I only had a third grade education before it all went to shit… oops, I’m not supposed to cuss anymore,” Joshua said.

“You express yourself very well,” Alan said, “I really got the full meaning of what had happened to you in the words, the emotions, everything. It isn’t just fancy words I respect, but the way you told it. We all live around so many lies it’s really great to hear someone be so honest.”

“I hope I didn’t offend you with the gay crack, man. That’s been bothering me all day,” Joshua said. “I gotta tell you something, I had a few boyfriends on the street myself. At first it was all about survival, ya know, but I got to enjoy their company and the things we did.”

“I’m glad you told me that, but you’re making a choice here that probably means putting all that behind you. Whatever you finally decide, just be sure it’s right for you.”

“You’re like a year younger than me but you have so much goin’ for you upstairs,” Joshua said, pointing a finger at his forehead. “I wish I was as smart as you, maybe I wouldn’t be here.”

“Maybe you’re smarter than me and that’s why you are here,” Alan countered. “I can’t possibly tell you what I would have done if I’d been in your shoes. But I don’t think I would have survived on the street, I don’t have those skills.”

“Is it hard being gay?” Joshua asked.

“Yeah, I’ve had some pretty bad years. I screwed up pretty badly for a while. We both know what loss means.”

“Glenn and I were boyfriends too, ya know, he was nineteen. I never told anybody that before. I met him after Paul threw me out. He kept me out of trouble.”

“Well, at least he helped you survive. I’m sorry he had to die, but he did teach you a valuable lesson, that heroin shit kills you. Oops, now I’m sorry.”

Joshua laughed, “You can cuss up a storm if you want. I didn’t think you were here to become a monk…are you?”

“No, I came here to be with John and support his Buddhist studies. He’s been my best friend for only a short while but I feel like I’ve known him for a long time.”

“He seems like a nice guy. I think I envy him, seems like I never could get that close with anyone other than Glenn, too many secrets to hide. I could have been best friends with someone like you, it would have been easy. Is he thinking about becoming a monk too?”

Alan sat there thinking about that, could he have ever learned to love a drug addict? But as for John, was there a chance that he was thinking about becoming a monk? He had said he wouldn’t, had he changed his mind?

“Uh, I don’t know what John’s plans are actually. I guess there are some things I just can’t ask him yet, why did you ask?”

“I’m sorry, guess I should have kept my mouth shut,” Joshua said.

“No, seriously, what brought that up?”

“I was just thinking that if I had a boyfriend like you I wouldn’t give him up to become a monk, I’d have everything I need.”

The John question was nagging but Alan had to smile, the boy had just paid him a sweet compliment and it deserved an equal reply.

“That was nice of you. I suppose if I had been there when you got thrown out of the house I would have welcomed you with open arms. I think you’re a sweet guy, Joshua. I’m glad we’re friends.”

Joshua smiled. “I know you’re gonna leave here. The monks are teaching me how to read and write better. Would you mind if I wrote to you, and would you write me back?”

“Sure thing, maybe you can come visit if they send you down to the temple in Maryland, that’s where I met Namkhai,” Alan said.

“Yeah, I know. I heard him say he had to go to Maryland to meet someone and that two boys would be coming here for a visit,” Joshua said.

“He said what?” Alan exclaimed.

“Huh, did I say something wrong?” Joshua asked.

“No, it’s okay. You said you heard him say he was going to Maryland to meet someone and that those persons would be coming here, did he say who he was going to meet?” Alan asked.

“I thought it was you, he said a young man and his friend, that’s you and John, isn’t it?”

“How did you hear about this?” Alan asked.

“I guess I was just there sweepin the floors when he made the travel plans with the monk who does the secretary job in the office. I didn’t know it was supposed to be some kind of secret, I’m sorry.”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just…oh man, Namkhai couldn’t have known about me back then, I mean I didn’t even know this place existed. Wow, he really does have the power. Thanks Josh, you did everything right, thanks for being my friend.”

“You called me Josh…Glenn used to call me that,” He said.

“You’re not a monk yet are you?” Alan asked.

“No, that takes years of study, it might take me a lifetime,” He said.

Alan reached over and grabbed the boy’s neck, pulling his face close and kissing him on the lips. He knew it was wrong, he shouldn’t have done it but Josh deserved to know that he was serious about being a friend. Besides, the boy had given the game a whole new angle that Alan had never even considered. Their lips parted and he saw the look of astonishment on Josh’s face turn into a smile.

“That was awesome, I’ll remember that for a long time,” He said. “But please, don’t do it again or I might never get to be a monk.”

They finished the tea and turned off the lights in the barn. Outside the night chill had set in but the sky was so clear up here in the mountains that a million stars lit their way back. They walked with arms around each other, the city boy and the suburban kid, the monk to be and the what, Alan asked himself? What was Namkhai keeping from him? Who was this guy?

Somehow they had known about John and Alan thought that was pretty spooky. No, John would think it was spooky, he was just plain worried. There was something so big about all of this, big enough to bring Namkhai all the way to Maryland to find the boy. He had no doubt that they had been looking for John, but why? Man, this was going be a long two weeks.

He hugged Josh closer for warmth. The boy was a simple young man, not stupid, just unwise in this place of great wisdom. It would pay to have a man on the inside here. He was really kinda cute in a gawky way…oops, shouldn’t think like that. But John becoming a monk? Like hell…that would happen over his dead body.

Chapter Ten

Om Apadamapa Hataram Dataram Sarva Sampadam Loka Bhi Raman Sri Rama Bhuyo Bhuyo Nanamyaham. They all chanted while sitting on the cold stone floor…at least there were cushions. Send your power of healing Rama; send it here to the earth. The temple felt full of energy this evening with the focus of twenty men praying for an end to war, violence and intolerance.

The Rinpoche had held a long meeting earlier in the day to discuss the non-violent approach they might take in protesting the killing grounds of Vietnam. And tonight, all across the country, many communities of Buddhists were gathered to pray for an end to war. What an awesome display of faith, Alan thought.

America could engage in more self-destructive acts over there in Southeast Asia, but the impact here at home was an increasingly vocal group of citizens against the war. The Buddhists seemed to be moving forward, consolidating their efforts and Alan was pleased that John had brought him here to witness the beginning of their activism.

The Rinpoche was afraid their protests would sow anger and a thoughtless government would lash out, destroying the delicate balance of a nation. A nation not in harmony with itself was a desolate place indeed he had been telling the assembled supplicants.

“We must understand that Buddhists will be seen as agitators, conceivers and planners of anti-war propaganda against the government. In truth, we are all these things and more, as any man of conscience must be to confront evil in all its forms.

“This decade we have watched as the nation suffered the loss of a President through senseless violence and began sending its children to inflict pain and suffering on a foreign people. We cannot allow America to stray from the path any longer. We must lend a hand and seek a way that will return this country to a peaceful course. We will be cursed and spat upon because there is little understanding of the Buddhist way. We must educate those who do not understand the Path.”

Wow, Alan thought, he sounds a lot like Rennie Davis. Coming here with John had been a good move. Now he was finding the seeds necessary to start a grassroots level anti-war group amongst his peers at school. These dedicated men had experience in the art of peace-making.

Here in the frozen mountains of New York the Buddhist community was planning a campaign of love and understanding for the spring. But Alan had doubts that the effort by itself would be enough, something else had to happen.

It was hard for him to imagine that prayer alone would change the course of politics in Washington. Did they really think it would be that simple? No, the Rinpoche must have something else up his sleeve.

From what Alan had seen in the papers before they arrived, the SDS was taking a more direct approach. Student protests were beginning to disrupt universities across the country. Drawing attention to the cause was only the first step, at least that’s what the literature had said would happen. Now there would be attacks against the ROTC military establishment on campuses and that would most certainly turn ugly.

But Alan’s mind wandered back to the present once again as he felt the cold seeping through the cushion into his folded legs. He shifted them to get comfortable but found that impossible.

John would never join a student group if there was any plan of violence. If conflict arose would it push John away from him forever? He wasn’t sure at this point. And then there was Namkhai to consider.

If the monk was that astute with his powers then he probably already knew what Alan was thinking. The whole thing he had experienced yesterday was almost too weird. Had he really conjured that vision up out of his own mind or had Namkhai used his powers to take him there just to prove a point? Jeeze Louise, it had all seemed so incredibly real. Damn, if he was capable of that what else could Namkhai do?

They had scheduled another session of meditation for this morning and Alan knew now it would probably be impossible to hide any knowledge from the man. But what kind of agenda did the guy have? Would they reject John because of the relationship? Too many unanswered questions and yet Alan already knew something valuable. Namkhai could never lie to him, he was sure of that. The holy man valued truth above all.

Arriving early for the appointment in the small library where they worked, Alan poured water in the brass teapot and set it on the gas burner to boil. He opened the book of Sanskrit translations and began to read.

“A very important understanding on the Path to Enlightenment is the practice of reliance on a spiritual teacher. The spiritual teacher is the root of all excellence. By continuous effort of body, speech and mind, a student of great faith recognizes this knowledge and does not observe in his teacher the slightest fault. Remember his vast kindness with deep gratitude, and honor him; make offerings to him, respect him in body and speech, and strive to put his teachings into practice.”

The quote burned into Alan’s brain. Was he being unfair to Namkhai? After all, the monk was supposed to be a lama, the Tibetan word for teacher. Maybe he was being foolish. Was he afraid of this man’s powers only through ignorance? Just as a potential student had responsibilities to the lama, Alan was sure the lama had a greater responsibility to his students.

Alan felt the beginnings of a dull aching throb seep into the back of his head. Maybe he was coming down with a cold or something. The whistling of the teapot interrupted his thoughts and as he poured the steaming water over the tea leaves the door opened.

“Good Morning, Master Alan,” Namkhai said.

“Good Morning, Lama Namkhai,” Alan replied.

“Ah, I see you have been pursuing your reading assignments, this is very good. And what have you learned since yesterday?” He asked.

“I have learned that questioning the powers of a teacher can create fear in a student, even when the questions need answers,” Alan replied.

Namkhai smiled as Alan poured them each a cup of the scalding tea, setting the sugar bowl in the center of the desk.

“So you know something about me. I expected as much would happen. It must worry you, I am sorry for the pain I have inflicted,” He said.

“I think it was all for the best,” Alan replied. “If I had known why you had come to Maryland before I came here my concerns might have scared me off. Now that I’ve seen how you treated Joshua…well, I trust you.”

“I am honored,” Namkhai said. “And in all wisdom, I too have learned to trust you. The sharing of knowledge is the responsibility of a teacher, the use of that knowledge by his students is what determines if the teacher is good or bad. We had to test you, Master Alan. We had to be sure that a boy so young would accept the challenge. Joshua was adrift and you reached out to him, in turn he brought you some enlightenment and you discovered our interest in you.”

“Me? I thought this was all about John? Didn’t you bring us here to recruit him? Why would you be interested in me?” Alan asked.

“Ah, questions of importance, all of which beg for an answer. But first, I must give you a lesson about the power of the mind. There can be no understanding without knowledge of the circumstances that brought you here.

“In the past there have been many lamas who thought they knew the heart of the Buddha. Each put forth a certain number of teachings or practices as the way to achieve true enlightenment. The knowledge they attempted to share through the abhisheka, the ritual initiation, was not controlled and many dangerous and harmful ways were spread. Only through the intercession of the yidam, a multitude of protective deities, were the people saved from these horrors and the Path restored.

“The unwary person who practices the sadhana, or rituals of darkness that obscure the mind, will always be consumed by them. For us the Tantra is the chosen path but the practice is strewn with many obstacles. It has become tightly controlled by a few who have gained the knowledge through Divine guidance. I am but a servant of the Nine, the true guardians of this knowledge.”

There was a sudden silence in the room. Alan felt that the monk was searching for the best words to explain something complex. At that moment he also felt that Namkhai was not the only presence in the room besides himself. There was other conscious thought surrounding them, an incredible power seemed to envelop them.

“If you choose,” Namkhai said, “Think of the universe as a great pool of water upon which lands a small pebble. As the ripples drift away from the object in ever widening circles then you may understand that we can feel those who have the potential. Your gift is what led me to you.

“As the ripples went away from your mind I followed them to their source. It is still infantile, untrained and unfocused. But if you will trust and allow me to guide you it will grow very quickly. Your mind has the ability to find a true path and thus the gift seeks to understand itself and that is why we are here at this moment.”

“You seem to know more about this gift than I do,” Alan said. “I suppose that all makes sense, but how will it affect me?”

“In truth all knowledge gives us power, how you use that power is the difference between healing and destruction. Remember, a young man’s emotions run fast. As the tide of change takes place in your body, the mind is often the last to know what course of action you should take and therein lays the danger. You see, Master Alan, you are just like me.”

“I am? But what…what does it all mean?” Alan asked.

“You have a great gift, a small portion of that has developed,” Namkhai said, a slight smile crossing his lips. “We have been waiting for you. You are very young to know of these things and that is of some concern to me. The Nine have charged me with deciding if you are capable of making the proper decisions or if the knowledge we wish to share will do harm.”

“Share? Are there others?” Alan asked.

“Untold numbers of men and women carry the seeds of this gift and yet never see it blossom,” He said.

“Many are blessed but few are chosen,” Alan replied.

“Something like that. Of the Nine, there are Five who believe all knowledge of such gifts should be withdrawn from everyone and allowed to vanish. I am the servant of one of the Four who believe it serves the greater good and was instilled by the Buddha for man to heal his wounds. Since there is no consensus among the Masters the wheel will continue to turn and that means you will have to make a choice.”

Namkhai stopped there for a minute and gazed at him with a far off look in his eyes, Alan knew he was considering what to say next. He felt a little spooked by what he had just heard and knew the monk had to be aware of this. Oh Lord, the man knew everything that was going on in his mind, now he was sure of that.

“It is good to be cautious,” Namkhai said. “Your mind is not willing to accept everything I tell you just yet, but you are curious. The Path did not come easy to those of us who use this gift, I felt much as you did when I began to learn. We haven’t enough time together for you to gain all the knowledge or accept the beliefs that come with that learning. In the years ahead you will understand what I mean.

“But for now you have been chosen because I see you question life and the world around you. No man should take the first steps on the path to enlightenment without careful consideration of his reasoning. Only by strong determination, patience and the search for wisdom will you ever succeed. So you must make the choice to proceed and accept me as your teacher, the decision is yours. “

“But what if I should fail, what if I can’t learn?” Alan asked.

“Then the gift will remain yours but the seed will be dormant and the flower will not blossom,” Namkhai said, perhaps sadly, “It has happened many times.”

“You’ve had many students?” Alan said, “Do many fail?”

“Yes, but only because they cannot be at peace with themselves and accept the conditions laid down in the teachings.”

“What happened to them?” Alan asked.

“They are now perfectly ordinary people in many walks of life,” Namkhai said. “There is no penalty for failure, Master Alan. Only the loss of that knowledge which would have made them stronger.

“Understand clearly. Just as the Nine have the power to share knowledge, they are also capable of taking it away. It is certain mercy that those who did not succeed are unaware of their loss. It must be so to protect them from painful memories.”

“So if I fail I will lose the gift forever,” Alan said.

“You will be as you have always been, a young man with love in his heart and the ability to be empathetic to the troubles of others, would that be so bad?” Namkhai asked. “It would serve no purpose for you to remember all that I have told you.”

“And you have the power to take it all away, just like that?”

“Just like that,” Namkhai said. “Do you doubt me?”

“No sir, I have no reason to doubt you at all,” Alan said. “But I think I would make a lousy monk.”

Namkhai laughed and his eyes sparkled. “Yes, I believe you are correct on that point. Fortunately it will be unnecessary.”

Alan was overwhelmed. The offer was probably the gravest responsibility he had ever faced in his whole life. The patient monk, and a warrior of great power, was sitting before him and offering to share his wisdom. What an awesome power developing his gift would bring. Alan’s mind was almost terrified at the thought but still, it was almost impossible to refuse.

This gift had been like an elephant on his back for eighteen years. If there was a chance, one tiny little chance, that he could learn to use this gift and wield that power, how could he say no? But it was doubt that finally made him speak.

“I am humbled by the trust you have in me,” Alan said, “But I am the person who sits before you and nothing more. I am afraid to fail.”

“In many ways you already use what has been given you,” Namkhai said, his smile disarming. “I recall Joshua felt he needed to tell you his truth, as I am sure many others have also decided. All this is because you wanted to know, to heal their wounded spirits. I cannot expect you to stop your mind from embracing the life you have chosen, it will not be necessary for you to become a monk. The things you might envy in the simple life of a Buddhist monk exist in your world as well. I am not a seeker of purity in all other creatures of the universe.

“We are all flawed, Master Alan. I drink too much tea, I sleep too late, and I am distracted by pop music on the radio. And like His Holiness, the Blessed Wisdom that guides us, I have an obsession with games of sport. No one is perfect, young man, only the Buddha has accomplished perfection in his final incarnation.”

“But I’m homosexual. Isn’t that frowned upon by your philosophy?”

“And so life is complicated, don’t you see? Monks don’t have the only key to the heavens, priests and ministers aren’t the only ones who are enlightened, even if that is what some believe. A simple man is made by the path he chooses and the good he carries with him. You have a gift to heal others, do not take that lightly, it is yours to keep while you live in that body and if you are fortunate you will take that knowledge with you into the next life. We only offer the tools of understanding and control over the greater power your gift enables you to perform, there is nothing more.”

“Can I think about it? Do you have to know right away?” Alan asked.

“It would be unwise of you to do other than contemplate the answer. Perhaps you might discuss this with your friend, Master John. He will certainly have an opinion about what you are being asked to do.

“I know he shares many of your thoughts about life, you have chosen wisely to keep some things from him for now. But he is also capable of great understanding and I feel he will be your best ally in making this decision.

“But do not think your love will make him stray from the Path, he is very committed to his beliefs and I think we both know that may cause difficulties between you. I can see your lives are written together and for this you are fortunate, love is the strongest motivator of success. Go now and share this knowledge with the one you keep close to your heart and may the peace of the Buddha guide you.”

“And you, Lama Namkhai,” Alan responded.

Alan discovered by talking with the secretary that John was still working with the Rinpoche and he surely didn’t want to disturb that. No, he needed time to think and so he wandered into the dark temple building. Pushing open the large door, Alan found himself alone with the massive statue of the Buddha. Sitting cross-legged, since he still hadn’t mastered the lotus position, his eyes stared up at the benevolent features.

What if he had control of this power, how would he be able to use it? He could see the down side, people might think he was a mind reader, but maybe he would be? Man, wouldn’t that come in handy during a wrestling match, he could anticipate every move. Or what about during finals? He’d already know the answers to every question on the test.

Yeah right, what a childish waste of the gift, what if he could actually heal people? Should he become a doctor? No, rule that out, he was too emotional and fainted easily. So how about some more immediate goals?

The anti-war movement was the foremost issue he could think of, but what did he know about the real war? He would be a much better activist if he had some idea about what needed resisting. What if he could use his powers to spy on the Pentagon and learn their military secrets? Right, what a moron, he wouldn’t know what to look for anyway. Maybe the gift would help him find the answer for its use?

Alan closed his eyes and focused on the feel of the temple. There was a chill in the air and the flowery smell of old incense. The room felt large to his mind’s eye and then the smell became acrid and burned his nose. He felt the space closing in around him and began to feel fear. It became warmer and warmer, the air almost stifling as a white mist descended around him and he panicked.

The smell of smoke and rotting vegetation was mixed with something he could not identify. He heard voices and the crackle of radio static. Then suddenly there were moans of agony close at hand. Someone was dying.

There was an explosion followed by the rapid sound of rifle fire and the mist cleared from his mind. Alan found himself lying on his back, staring up at a canopy of trees along the edge of a clearing. The vegetation said jungle, and his mind really began to panic when he realized…this was Vietnam.

“Baker two-nine this is Alpha leader, what’s your ETA to the evac zone?”

A garbled response and Alan tried to look towards the voices but his head wouldn’t turn and his body trembled. Now he recognized the stench, it was blood mixed with human waste. He had shit in his pants. Pain shot through his lower body and Alan felt a great weight pressing down on his chest. Then it all passed and there was no feeling whatsoever.

“Stay still, private,” Another voice said above him but all the sounds around him were growing dim in his ears. “Chopper’s coming, just keep still.”

He saw the uniform out of the corner of his eye. The voice was attached to a medic. Oh God, he thought, the wounds…but how? Suddenly Alan realized, this wasn’t his body and a shudder of relief went through him.

“Corporal Davies, pop two on the south perimeter,” The first voice said, “Make it green.”

“Yes sir, Lieutenant, two Christmas trees.”

More radio static and a garbled voice.

“Chopper’s two minutes out, LT,” A hoarse voice said. The radioman’s figure hovered at the edge of his vision.

“Tell ‘em we got three wounded for pickup. Then call the CP and tell those fuckers we need replacements or I’m gonna bring the recon back to base now.”

“Yes sir.”

Wounded, but where, whose body was this, why was he here? Alan saw flies buzzing around his face but couldn’t feel them landing, why couldn’t this body feel anything?

Moans of pain to his left and the medic passed through his field of vision once again. The dull thwacking sound of choppers approaching.

“Hey Tipton,” The LT’s voice, hard, emotional.

“Yes sir?” The radioman’s voice.

“He didn’t make it…cover the body will ya, give the man some peace.”

A shadow passed across his vision and Alan looked up at the face, this must be Tipton, why was he looking down at this man? Then the canopy of trees became obscured as the face was covered with a poncho. No, Alan screamed inside…noooo.

The realization was like a physical blow. He had been seeing all this from the inside of a dead man. Like a wraith he lifted himself out of this body just as hands pulled it onto a stretcher for the chopper ride. The vision began to fall apart as the white mist descended to obscure his view. He had one last glimpse of the scenery around him.

The mud and blood spattered medic tending his charges, the LT screaming into his radio above the noise of the nearby chopper blades and then Alan saw the radioman, Tipton.

The corporal stood watching the wounded and dead being carried off and ever so slowly went to his knees and crossed himself, his lips mumbling a prayer for his comrades. But it was his face that grabbed Alan’s last fleeting second of attention as the scene went completely white.

The radioman was crying, tears making rivulets across his dirt caked cheeks as he sobbed and somehow Alan knew. The body he had entered was more than a brother in arms, more than just friends. They had been lovers.

Alan’s head hit the stone floor as he collapsed and he welcomed the distraction of the sharp pain in his skull. He couldn’t move a muscle, his body was paralyzed, his nervous system overloaded. The image of the radioman stayed with him, etched in his mind and Alan began to cry. Oh, the loss that poor man had endured. This was real, it was happening right now he was sure and that made him even more upset.

Alan could feel the tears running down his face but he couldn’t move a finger to wipe them away. He looked up at the Buddha’s face but somehow it didn’t look happy and benevolent towards him right now.

It may have been ten minutes or two hours, but Alan lay there until John found him.

“Alan, Alan…are you okay?” John said, but he looked terrified and rushed away for help.

John returned with the Rinpoche and Namkhai in tow from the offices next door. They pulled Alan into a sitting position and began to examine his head and limbs, the feeling was slowly returning to his body. John knelt before him and dabbed at his face with a wet towel, it came away with blood on it.

Namkhai and John supported him as they all walked slowly back to the office where Alan finally sat in a chair and the Rinpoche gave him tea.

“May I ask what happened?” Namkhai said.

“I saw death,” Alan croaked, his vocal cords were as tight as the rest of his body.

John knelt at his side, his face ashen and close to tears.

“Tell us what you saw,” He pleaded.

“I was thinking that I knew nothing of the pain and suffering endured in war and my mind took me there,” Alan replied. He sipped at the tea to clear his throat. Then he told them everything.

“But what about you, it was like you were frozen stiff, why did your body do that?” John asked.

“It was a warning,” Namkhai said, “Our young master traveled with his mind without the knowledge to control where he was going.”

Alan could tell the monk was angry but the emotions did not show on his face. Then the Rinpoche said something to Namkhai in Tibetan and they came to some agreement.

“You must not journey with the Eye until your Lama says you are ready,” The Rinpoche said.

“Yes sir,” Alan replied. The two men turned to the door and were gone, he was alone with John.

“Oh man, I screwed up,” Alan said.

“You know I believe in you, Alan, but this vision thing seems dangerous. Please, don’t do it again. Namkhai knows what he’s talking about.

“I promise. I was looking for you before I went in the temple. We really need to talk, John. But first, I have to truthful with you. Josh told me something last night. He said Namkhai knew about us before we even met.”

“Huh? What’s that mean?” John asked.

“Namkhai specifically came to Maryland and to that temple to meet us. He knew we’d be there. I know, it’s weird. But it was me and this gift they keep talking about that drew him to us. It was like, I dunno, a magnetic force that attracted him but he was able to read it and that’s why he was there.”

“Awesome, he sure has some strange powers,” John said.

“I’m sure we don’t even know the half of it yet. I think I can walk now, let’s go see Deeban.”

John helped him up the tall stairs and once again they were in Deeban’s magical place surrounded by the chirping birds. A pale afternoon sunlight poured through the windows and the sounds were like a soothing tonic for Alan’s ragged nerves. The vision had taken a lot of energy out of his body and so he lay down in the warm sun, his head on John’s lap.

Poor John, what was he going through in the name of love? Alan realized that if he trained himself it would be possible to look into John’s mind, a total invasion of privacy. Was John worried that he might do something that disagreeable? Alan felt fingers comb through his hair, stroking him gently. No matter what his fears John cared for him deeply, he could never betray that trust.

“I’ve already asked the Rinpoche and we have permission to go outside the walls this weekend. Anything special you want to do?” John asked.

“That’s a loaded question. How about a camp out?”

“Uh, I think it’s pretty cold out there but I’ll do a little research on the subject, all right? I think we should have a little time alone, Alan. Things are getting out of hand and we need to talk,” John said.

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Alan cornered Namkhai after supper and apologized for making him angry. The monk accepted his words and then said that deeds would speak louder. He was handed a stiff bristle brush and a bucket of clean water.

“Go and clean the temple floor, your blood is on those stones,” Namkhai commanded. “Show the Buddha how well you intend to follow the teachings of your lama. When you are done come and find me, then we will talk.”

Alan entered the temple alone and bowed to the statue. He began by scrubbing the stones around the altar and had to fetch another bucket of water. The smooth surface of each piece of the floor was different. Every stone seemed to have its own special characteristics.

They had told him the place was built as a summer retreat for some wealthy merchant’s family who had lived in Albany decades ago. Now the Buddhists had come and put up the walls and added this temple of simple bricks and mortar. He could see that the floor had been laid with special care and was sure some monk had overseen its construction with loving attention.

Alan didn’t know how many buckets of water he had used but his hands and knees were sore by the time he reached the rear wall. Looking back across the floor at his handy work he saw Namkhai sitting on the steps to the altar. Alan put the brush in the bucket and silently walked across the damp stones to sit at his feet.

“You have done well,” The monk said, “This place has never been so clean. Do you know the names of each stone?”

“I didn’t know they each had a name but I sure know what each one looks like now,” Alan replied.

“That is the same thing. I recognize you by your name and your face. If I was told to find you I would go looking for your face, knowing that it would match the name, do you see? It is the same with those who seek Enlightenment. We can each discover the name of the place we seek but until we know its face the whereabouts will always be a mystery.”

“So until I know what my gift really is I will never find it just by knowing its name,” Alan said.

“This is most true, that is why you must learn before you leap. Did I say this correctly?”

“Close enough, look before you leap means the same thing in this situation,” Alan replied.

“You have had time to think about your error this morning, what have you concluded?” Namkhai asked.

“I thought the vision would help me discover how best to use this gift, I should have known I can’t control it yet. I was truly concerned that my knowledge of war was inadequate, that is what the vision became after it started. I understand now it is wrong to cast my mind to the wind in search of answers.”

“A wise decision on your part,” Namkhai said. “What we have been calling the gift is known as the Inner Eye of the Mind. As you now understand it can capture your body and create great harm to your physical being. It is enough for now that you know this harm can mean an attack on yourself or others in a very real physical way. Not only can the master of this Eye see into the thoughts and feelings of others he may change those attributes of human behavior.”

“But…why me, Lama Namkhai, what have I done to deserve this?”

“Many have these abilities in a small way. Consider those who have great intuition. But these persons will never develop their power. You have already gone far beyond that first level and I feel it was my error in not seeing how fast you had progressed. It will all become clear if you accept the training.”

“I want to…But it still frightens me how easily it comes upon me.”

“We know there are six levels of the power but none of the Nine has ever gone beyond the fifth level, except for one,” Namkhai said. “Five hundred years ago it is recorded that a great Lama who was one of the Nine achieved the sixth level. He vanished into the air and was never seen again, his fate remains a mystery. It is said he achieved Nirvana and is beyond the mortal universe. I am not so easily persuaded and would personally rather leave this earth in a more conventional manner and then wait to be reborn.”

“You know I am not a Buddhist, how can I be trained?”

“Your heart is Buddhist, Master Alan. You see and feel as I do about many things. Is it not enough that a man seeks knowledge in the company of wise men? In time you may seek me out and express a desire to become Buddhist, I do not know. But your mind demands my attention, and you need to begin the training.”

“How long will that take?”

“It may take a lifetime to understand or many lifetimes but only a little time to learn control. My life has been focused on the Eye for thirty years. If you accept we will begin and I can tell your time will be much shorter. There is but one thing which might delay your training. I may be chosen to become one of the Nine. My future is not known to me. I would be honored to have you as my student. I know you would wish for me to make this decision for you but I cannot, it is not our way.”

“I haven’t even had time to discuss this with John, and I have to do that,” Alan said.

“I understand, take the time you need. We will speak of this again.”

He got up from the step and went out the side door of the temple. Alan stared at his hands, how did he ever get himself into this? He glanced up at the Buddha but saw no answers forthcoming, he needed time with John to sort this out.

Heading back to the sleeping cell, Alan discovered his body ached from the events that had tortured it today. John was sitting under the bare bulb, reading the fine lines off the pages of an old book. Alan supposed he could tell the boy it was going to ruin his eyes but then he already had a mother. John closed the book as he came in.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“The punishment detail is over if that’s what you’re asking, I really screwed up today. But we gotta talk. Namkhai wants me to start training and I’m beginning to feel the pressure.”

John patted the sleeping bag beside him and Alan crawled painfully up on the sleeping pallet.

“You took a beating today,” He said. “Lie down and let me work the stiffness out of your muscles.”

Alan was in no mood to resist. Besides he knew John had magical fingers that would ease the source of the pain. Thanks to those massages, Alan had managed to survive most of the wrestling season. John began with his neck and worked down across his back. This was the moment when he usually got a roaring erection from John’s touch. Tonight even that failed to happen.

“So if you accept the training I guess you’ll have to be spending some more time up here?” John asked.

“Probably,” Alan groaned, “But aren’t the Rinpoche and Namkhai going to be down in Washington in a few months for the spring anti-war campaign? Would you object if I had to come back here?”

“Not at all, maybe I could get my Dad to let me come along?”

“I don’t want to do any of this without you, John. Without you I wouldn’t have been able come this far. Oh, my right knee is so sore.”

John worked on his legs and finally Alan felt a sense of relief. He must have fallen asleep from exhaustion right about then because he woke up in the middle of the night. The definite urge to piss had brought him back to consciousness and the discovery that he was naked in his sleeping bag. But he wasn’t alone either, John had zipped the two bags together and his flesh pressed tightly against Alan’s back. Stumbling out into the freezing darkness, Alan shot a stream of water into the bucket before diving back into the warmth of the sleeping bag.

“Man, your feet are cold,” John mumbled. “But don’t get any ideas just because we’re all skin in here.”

“Hey, you did this, not me,” Alan replied. “I can hold out as long as you can.”

“Lookin forward to it, now go back to sleep,” John sighed.

The following afternoon, it was Namkhai who suggested they climb up to the isolated meditation hut on the side of the mountain. It was supposed to be a crude dwelling but it had a stove and a supply of firewood handy. There was even a sweat bath built nearby which they would find most refreshing, he suggested. Alan hoped the monk wasn’t thinking about their physical needs but then realized if he wanted to he would know and nothing could stop him.

They packed some bread and cheese, along with water and a good supply of tea. Fortunately it all fit on one pack frame which John volunteered to carry, Alan was still a bit sore.

The sun was just rising over the trees on Saturday morning when they set off on the snow covered road. Their destination was only a three or four hour hike away and the trails were clearly marked

After hiking for almost an hour, the road ended and a fire trail began, winding around the ridge of the mountain. At this point they could look back down into the valley and see the monastery snuggled amongst the trees in the distance. This was all Buddhist land and they would only be at the far limit of the property when they arrived at the hut.

Namkhai had told them the monks often hiked around the perimeter just to be sure their wildlife wasn’t being poached and that the trails were clear. But that was summertime work, now everything was quiet and still except for the crunch of their boots in the snow.

They came to a slash in the hillside and saw the small Buddhist symbol on a plaque fastened to a tree, here the trail turned off and climbed the hillside. The hut had been built on the eastern face of the mountain to catch the first rays of the morning sun. Alan knew this must have some religious significance but was afraid to ask, his ignorance of Buddhist beliefs was something that still embarrassed him.

John knew so much more, but even he expressed dismay at all the things he didn’t know about his chosen way of life. Maybe this would be a chance for them both to grasp more. Alan had been reading an awful lot this past week, the material still tumbling in his mind.

The person known as Siddhartha Gautama was the Buddha of the modern age. Alan was shocked to learn that there may have been many Buddhas in the past and certainly more to come in the future of the universe. Buddhists didn’t believe in creation, as such. Their belief was that the universe had always been here. The wheel of life had turned uncountable times before the human race just happened to come along during one of the revolutions.

This fed their belief of being reborn again and again. Alan had to admit there was a great appeal in believing he had been here before and would keep coming back until he became enlightened. Buddhists seemed to have it made in the hereafter. They were given so many chances to get it right before retiring to the heavens and achieving nirvana.

The silence of the woods inspired thought for them both, John was just as inwardly focused, and Alan wondered what he was thinking. He began to mentally recite the Four Noble Truths of Buddhist philosophy. They were the most basic, simple ideas.

This manual for existence was much simpler than the one cranked out by those camping-in-the-woods-every-weekend-in-uniform guys. And to think he had almost joined that group when he was a kid.

The Eightfold Path said it all and in a whole lot clearer terms than the Ten Commandments old Moses came up with on that mountain in the movie of the same name. But as with religions, this philosophy didn’t favor gays either, none of them did.

Alan had always felt left out because God, in his many perceived forms, had deemed it necessary to create men who loved men and then created the preachers that condemned what seemed to be His finest work. So what’s a poor gay kid gonna do, start his own religion?

He walked into a tree.

“Watch your step,” John said.

“Nothin like a little bark for lunch,” Alan laughed, rubbing his nose.

“I think we’re almost there, at least we’re almost at the top of the rise,” John said.

He was right, several minutes later they reached the end of the path and the valley on the other side spread out before them. A tumble of rocky slopes covered in green pine dominated the view, it was beautiful. If they had been looking for the perfect place to be isolated this was it. Just them and the bears…John had been joking about bears, right? Amidst a small grove of trees sat the rustic little hut and it looked incredibly tiny.

The little wooden house stood on stilts and was only about eight feet square inside, but the sides were well caulked to keep out the wind. John soon had a fire going in the small iron stove to create warmth. While Alan made tea, John brought in some more wood from the pile outside.

There were no comforts provided except for the saw to cut timber, an axe to chop the wood into kindling and a sharp pointed shovel to dig a hole out back as a latrine. Alan tried to make a decent hole but the ground was still frozen so he settled for a shallow trench.

The hot tea and a cheese sandwich tasted mighty good after the climb up here. The sun was straight up in the sky but the temperature was still only about twenty-five degrees. The exertion of the climb had kept them warm but now it felt pretty cold just standing around outside.

They took turns chopping enough wood to get them through the night and then went looking for a few trees that might be down to replace the stockpile. There were animal tracks here and there. Gratefully none of them were bear paws.

John identified the trail of a fox, a few rabbits and even deer. There was a small stream not too far from the hut so he thought they might see the deer coming to drink in the early morning if they were real quiet.

Alan discovered the sweat lodge and cleaned out the old cobwebs and leaves the wind had blown inside. He swept the floor with pine boughs and hauled the seven good sized stones back out to the metal barrel where they could be heated. It was a simple affair, stones were piled on top of the barrel and a fire lit. When they were hot the stones could be rolled into the lodge and the doorway sealed. Throw a few handfuls of snow on the rocks and that’s when the sweating really began.

The Scandinavians would sweat themselves until they couldn’t stand it anymore and then plunge into frigid water or roll in the snow. It sounded crazy but Alan guessed they would soon find out.

John suggested they wait until suppertime before experiencing the sweat lodge. Then they wouldn’t have to dress up again when they retreated into the hut for the night. It was agreed so they spent the afternoon wandering the hillside, but as the sun began to dip it was just so damn cold they started a fire under the stones.

In less than half an hour the stones were hot and John tipped the barrel over. With fresh pine boughs they coaxed the rocks inside the lodge. Shivering at the sudden cold, both of them threw their clothes into the hut and raced naked across the snow, plunging into the heat of the lodge.

There was barely enough room for them to sit and Alan swore that the rocks were glowing red hot. With the addition of some wet pine needles the resinous steam made the closed space feel oppressively hot and they immediately began to sweat.

“This is real S & M,” Alan laughed after about five minutes.

“You want me to put some snow on the rocks?” John asked.

“No, we’re supposed to beat each other with pine branches. Sounds pretty kinky if you ask me.”

“I’ll pass on that,” John said.

“How long do you think we can last in here,” Alan asked.

“I’ve almost had enough already. I’m just reluctant to go rolling in the snow and freeze my balls off,” John laughed.

“I’ll bet we don’t even feel the cold after this,” Alan said.

Sweat was pouring off them both and yet the stones showed no sign of cooling down. Alan rubbed pine needles across John’s back and shoulders and had the favor returned. Both boys seemed to have had enough. John gave a grimace.

“Time to cool off,” He said and pushed his way out the door.

Alan couldn’t feel the cold as he lay down in a virgin patch of snow and began rubbing the sweat off his body. But slowly his skin temperature lowered and the handful of white powder began to bite. The sun was almost at the horizon now and the night air would be in the teens.

“Bath’s over, time to get warm,” He yelled, but John was already scrambling up the short ladder into the hut. They shared a towel in the crispy warmth from the little stove and felt much better. Alan heated more water for tea and made a couple cans of soup. That and some of the bread would be their dinner.

“Back at the monastery the monks will be saying the mantra,” John said. “Do you feel like meditating tonight?”

“I don’t know if I should, what if something happens?” Alan replied.

“Is it that hard to control? We’ve meditated lots of times without you having any visions.”

“I suppose I could. Just keep an eye on me.”

“I’m always aware of you, my love,” John said.

It had been a week since John had called him that and it felt so good to have their love validated once again. Their sleeping bags covered the entire floor from wall to wall and served as their carpet and dinner table. Alan propped himself up against the outer wall and relaxed with his cup of tea. John sat there in front of him with his eyes closed, his features composed. He was really beautiful like this, Alan noticed, all that brown hair spilling down and almost touching those powerful shoulders, a young Buddha.

“We have to talk about what’s going on sometime,” Alan began. “At first I thought it was you the monks had come to find and it scared me, John. I have all these crazy mixed up fears about losing what we have if you become a monk. Maybe I’m being selfish but I’ve lost out before and I think we have about the closest thing to nirvana I could ever hope to find. Do you think I’m being selfish?”

John smiled, “You’re the least selfish person I know. Sure I’m fascinated by Buddhist philosophy and the lifestyle is very appealing, that’s all in their favor. But I’m happiest when I spend time with you. You’ve allowed me to grow into this relationship at my own pace, even though I know it must frustrate you sometimes. How selfish can that be?”

“I figure that it’s probably too soon for you to make a choice like that anyway,” Alan said. “We’re both too young to make lifetime commitments to just about anything. The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’m gay and I love you. My life doesn’t demand anything else, or at least it didn’t until we came here.”

“Maybe that’s the source of your fears, this gift and all it means…Do you even know what it means?”

“Namkhai has told me a little, enough so that I know it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me. I guess my worry is that it might come between us, even though he says I can share everything with you.”

“Wonder why he trusts me so much?” John said.

“Because of our love and because it takes more than the gift to use these powers,” Alan replied. “I may feel that you’re the most gifted, beautiful boy in the whole world but without the seed of this feeling inside a person it can’t be used.”

“So I’m involved in this?”

“Yes. You make me focus. It’s like, well, like you cause the flow of energy that I use. Say, I am the flashlight and you are the battery inside of me.”

“And what things will you be able to do?”

“Feel the thoughts of others and heal the forces of destruction within a person. Maybe that’s too simplified. I don’t know the whole picture just yet. But I get the sense that what I did to myself in that vision of death was just a sample of the impact this Inner Eye of the Mind can have on others.

“It scares me, John, and yet it has such appeal…think of the good I could accomplish. Namkhai is only the messenger, a servant to one of the Nine Masters who control this practice. They trace this power back a thousand years or more…and that’s all I really understand so far, but that’s awesome.”

“It sounds like you want to go ahead with this,” John said.

“Not unless you agree that I should. I don’t want anything like this to come between us. That’s my greatest fear. I don’t want to wake up one morning and discover that you’re afraid of me, jealous of me or worry that I will ever use this against you in any way. Namkhai knows I am awfully young to study these teachings. I want to be able to tell him that I’ll do it but only if you agree to help me decide when and where to use it.”

“You want me as a partner?”

“Haven’t I always?” Alan said. “It’s not just love that binds us but faith in each other as well. I have faith that you’ll be supportive and guide me in the use of the Eye. With you guiding then I know it will always be used for good.”

John leaned over and kissed him. It had been quite a while since this solid display of affection had been shared between them. Kissing had been where it all began as John slowly learned that he could have affection for another boy and love it. Now their arms clasped each other.

“Oh man, I’ve missed doing that,” John gasped when he came up for air.

“Well if you want time to meditate then we’d better stop this right now or I’ll slip over the edge and there’ll be no turning back,” Alan grinned.

“Yeah, you’re right, let’s wait a while. I think we should both think about the problem you’re facing,” John said.

“The problem we’re facing, partner,” Alan corrected him. “You get us started.”

John placed himself in lotus position and began breathing deeply before starting the chant. Alan closed his eyes and in a few moments found himself drifting with the mantra. He told himself there would be no vision today. He just wanted to be here with John in a relaxed, loving and worshipful way. Ahh yes, he worshiped John’s body as a temple and craved the touch of their flesh as they shared love.

Alan never saw the white mist cloud his view in warning, maybe it didn’t happen this time because the object of the transference was only three feet away. But he suddenly began moving forward, as if his body was reaching out for John. His fingers came in contact with John’s skin and they both began to glow, a sparkling aura that seemed to gather itself from the very air around them.

It was hard to fathom if this was real or only mental, but it didn’t seem to matter, he was touching John with loving hands. John’s eyes opened, his arms reached out, embracing Alan as their faces, lips and fingers entwined. But it didn’t seem to stop there.

The touch of their flesh seemed to energize them both. Clinging together, they sprawled on the floor, John lying on top and between Alan’s legs. John’s erection was demanding, overpowering in its assertion. Alan’s hand reached down, urging him, guiding him as John began to thrust.

The glow around their bodies increased, intensifying and pulsing with every heartbeat they now shared. John pushed down, down into the depths and Alan felt himself opening, allowing the boy into the very core of his being.

Alan thought there would be no way they could become closer and then John moved inside, their bodies melding into one. They were becoming that which Alan had wished for most of all, the everlasting creature of his dreams, eternal love bound by a single flesh. The aura engulfing them blazed like a miniature sun as they thrilled in the ecstasy of being One.

The feeling was beyond all imagination, and John cried out in joy as his orgasm swept them both beyond their worldly human desires and into the realm of the gods. They burst as one, gasping for breath and completely lost in a feeling no words could even begin to explain.

A knot of wood exploded in the wood stove and the aura vanished. Alan was once again sitting there, facing the object of his love in all his human glory.

It was hot in the tiny hut, sweat once again pouring down them both in great rivulets. John’s eyes were wide open and so was his mouth, he was drooling. Alan felt warmth bathing his crotch and dripping down his inner thighs. The realization came, he had ejaculated all over himself.

He looked at John whose stomach and crotch were both soaked with seed. The inflated cock still pulsed in John’s lap and little drops of semen still bubbled from the swollen flesh. The hut smelled of raw passionate sex and Alan knew now the gift had visited them once again.

“Uh…oh…man,” John stammered. “Was that real?”

“I…I guess I did a mind thing,” Alan said.

“Oh man, it was…it was awesome. Oh shit, I came all over the place,” John said, his fingers touching the slimy juices sliding down his belly. “But Alan, I feel guilty, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, it should never have happened.”

“Probably, but I wouldn’t have missed that for the world,” John laughed, “You know why I feel so guilty? I made this happen.”

“I promised Namkhai I wouldn’t use the Eye, it could have been harmful to us both,” Alan said. “We never even touched, and yet we merged body and spirit. I’m sorry, John, we shouldn’t be enjoying my failure as a student.”

“Yeah, no…You’re probably right. But, Alan, it happened because of my feelings, didn’t it?”

“We both seemed to have put ourselves into it,” Alan replied.

“I have to think about this,” John said. “Maybe I’ve repressed my sexual feelings towards you too long.”

“Maybe next time we’ll find out. If you want to, that is.”

“Fine, I believe I do. I’ve never felt like that before, it was better than I even imagined. But there is no comparison, is there? Thank you, Alan.”

“Yeah, sure. But next time we should just do it the old fashioned way, like with our bodies instead of our minds.”

“I believe this happened for a reason,” John said. “The desire to express our love physically was unequal before this moment. Now that’s changed. Our minds are closer together and I’m on your side.”

“But it will have to be physically real too,” Alan said.

“It always did, and I’m not afraid of that anymore.”

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