Singer Without a Song

Chapter Seven

“Just because he’s well-endowed doesn’t mean he knows how to use it,” Louie said. “I mean, could you handle something like that?”

“I would sure like to try,” Alan said.

“Oh Alan, I’ll bet your friend is probably just as sexually frustrated. Both of you are much too young to have any experience.”

“Do you think there’s even a chance for me?”

“How can I pass judgment with such little information? Besides, I’m not going to second guess any relationship for you…that’s your problem alone. You’re young, just be his friend for now. He seems interested in being close to you. I firmly believe the best relationships develop by chance, maybe this one’s yours?”

“Louie, you are a wise man,” Alan said, kissing him on the cheek.

Alan thought about John as he shoveled out the kennels in back of the veterinary hospital and while doing his homework. The boy was attractive, smart and cared about their friendship. If there was ever to be a sexual part of their relationship Alan knew John would have to take the lead. The Buddhism made him a curiosity but Alan could tell this was the source of his strength. Maybe it would be smart to join in and learn a few things.

There was still another concern. What if Terry saw them together, would he say something? It wouldn’t do for the school to think they were lovers. Maybe the concerns were unfounded, but he didn’t want to have this new friendship undermined by any rumors that might get started. Terry would have to be watched and if anything was said he would just have to deal with it.

With just the two of them sitting at a table with three girls it made for a lively lunch period. But it attracted attention and it didn’t take long for them to get noticed by the wrong people. Several of the senior football jocks made a move to push the boys away from the table. It was such a boring display of adolescent testosterone that the girls tried to laugh it off.

Unfortunately, the jocks became pretty aggressive and rude so Alan felt he had to respond.

“Come on, guys don’t act this way in front of the ladies.”

“And what’s that make you, a sissy? Little queer like you doesn’t belong with these fine girls,” One of them taunted.

Alan glared at the big jerk and in an instant knew that the boy had been told something. Maybe Terry had already begun to spread things around. Without warning the jock pulled the chair out from under Alan.

It was John who rose to the occasion and stood up to the bigger boy. In return he got shoved and challenged to a more physical confrontation after school.

“I don’t see where violence will solve this problem,” John told the jock.

They laughed at him and said he had better show up and defend himself. John helped Alan up off the floor.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” Alan said. “What assholes. Are you going to fight him?”

“Not really, I’ll try and talk him out of it. But if I don’t show up they probably won’t leave us alone.”

Alan didn’t know how it would turn out, but he agreed they should try and talk their way out of this. John seemed pleased.

Waiting beside the bleachers after school for John to show up, Alan was surprised when Brent Larson from the wrestling team wandered over.

“Hi Brent, you in on this brawl too?” He asked.

“Naw. Just here to see you guys get a fair go at it. Let’s call it team spirit,” He said. They shook hands and Alan decided right then that the guy was really cool.

The other side showed up, all three jocks and several others from the football team. Larry Franks was the idiot that John was to fight. He was at least a head taller and about thirty pounds heavier. Did John really know what he had gotten into?

Brent’s presence seemed to have a sobering effect on the footballers so maybe they could talk it out instead. Still, Alan was afraid of what the larger boy might do to John. That’s when he saw Terry Brown walk down beside the bleachers and join the football crowd. Alan glared at him but Terry just gave back a little smile.

When John arrived, they all walked down towards the woods at the edge of the playing fields. The cheerleading squad was out practicing and the whole affair had a crazy carnival atmosphere.

“Is this really necessary?” Alan asked. But the jocks didn’t want to hear about it, this was to be a fight. Alan looked at Brent who just shrugged back.

“Terry is with that bunch,” Alan said. “He’s the one over there in the green jacket.”

“The boy set this up, didn’t he?” John asked. “Why does he hate us so much?”

“Because I know about him and what he’s done. Maybe I should have been nicer to him,” Alan said.

“And where would that leave me?” John asked. “Okay, let’s do this. Just remember, when it’s over that this is not the real me you’re about to see.”

Alan looked puzzled, “And what does that mean?”

“You’ll see,” John said. “I hate this shit.”

John and his opponent took off their shirts and pants, leaving the boys wearing only gym shorts. Franks looked huge and bulky compared to John who had more of a wrestler’s build. Alan was afraid this might turn out to be a very short fight.

They had chosen a spot pretty deep in the woods and away from the school. It began with both boys circling each other and then John ended it a few seconds later.

Larry took a swing aimed at the head, but John ducked under the arm and kicked the legs out from under the boy. As Larry fell, John slammed his palm into the guy’s chest and a great whoosh of air erupted from the poor kid’s lungs. John backed away and stood waiting.

Larry slowly got up and then charged. John crouched and then leapt, delivering a spinning kick to the side of the boy’s head. Larry was out cold before hitting the ground.

Everyone was standing there with mouths open. It was the most amazing thing anyone had ever seen. Larry’s guys both shrugged and went over to pick up their man. The fight was officially over.

Brent put his arm around John’s shoulders as they walked back to the locker room. “Great moves, kiddo. Your brother teach you that?” He asked.

“Yeah, he taught me,” John said. His voice was flat and devoid of emotion, Alan realized that he wasn’t proud of what he had just done.

“Yeah, never let the bastard get up off the ground,” Brent said. “Thanks for the show. See you on the mats, teammates.”

Alan followed John into the locker room. What was going on here? John hurriedly sat down on the nearest bench and put his head between his knees. His breathing was harsh and labored so Alan went to get him some water.

“You all right?” Alan asked, handing over the paper cup.

“No, I’m not, look at my hands,” John said. He held out his arms, they were trembling horribly and the water spilled on the floor. “I hate fighting, I despise violence. It totally fucks with my karma.”

“Karma?”

“I’m a Buddhist, remember,” John said.

“I don’t know much about Buddhism, John, but I sure liked the moves you made,” Alan said and immediately realized it was the wrong thing to say.

John glared at him and Alan said, “I’m sorry, I always say the wrong thing.”

The adrenaline rush had succeeded in causing John’s body to tremble all over by now and he moaned as if he were in pain. Alan moved around behind and put his hands on John’s neck, kneading those tense muscles. John resisted but finally his body went limp as he gave in to the feeling.

The locker room seemed as silent and dark as a church in the dim afternoon sunlight streaming through the high windows above the lockers. For Alan it was a thrill to be touching John this way and feeling his fingers move across all that smooth skin. Oh God, what am I doing, Alan thought? John cleared his throat.

“Ahem…thanks, that helped me relax,” John said. “I think I’ll go shower now.”

Alan sat on the bench and realized that the fight had aroused him. John had certainly used his brother’s fighting skills, that kick had been amazing. But his reaction didn’t please John one bit. He would have to be more careful in the future or risk losing points with his new best friend.

John came out of the shower, a towel modestly wrapped around his waist. He began getting dressed but Alan was afraid to look at him.

“When I was younger my dad was stationed in Japan, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life,” John said. “There was a huge Buddhist temple right outside the military base and I would go over there after school and watch them perform their rituals. I joined a Buddhist group and that laid the foundation for my serious interest in the philosophy.

“We came back stateside and I began taking meditation studies. I finally realized that what I admired was the peacefulness of the Buddhists. It was as if I had discovered a great truth about myself and the more I learn the better I understand just why we all exist. My brothers may have taught me how to fight, Alan, but that doesn’t mean I like it, it’s just not me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any brothers,” Alan said.

John was standing with one foot on the bench while tying his tennis shoes. Alan watched his head turn and a wide smile lit up his face.

“You have me,” John said, “We’re definitely brothers. I just don’t want you to think I do this sort of thing a lot. Like in your past experience, I suppose it is sometimes necessary to make a demonstration of strength before the assholes will leave us alone.”

“I never had a friend stand up for me like you did today, thank you.”

It felt natural for them to hug each other and John didn’t shy away at all as he hugged Alan back. They were both a little embarrassed after letting go.

“At least you didn’t try to kiss me again,” John said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alan asked.

“Every time we meet I learn a little more about you and how we fit together. Please, give me a little time to sort things out, Alan. A wise man once said, ‘The good things which belong to prosperity are to be wished, but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.’

“I believe that applies aptly to us,” John said. Then he turned on his heel and walked through the doors into the outside hallway. Alan stood speechless, what had just happened between them?

“The quote is from Sir Francis Bacon, I believe,” Louie said later that afternoon. “Wow, that’s pretty intense for a teenager. So he’s a Buddhist. You may have stumbled onto something here. Give him a chance to know and love you as I do, but don’t push too hard.”

Alan stopped at the library on the way home and checked out three books on Buddhism. It was complicated stuff and he fell asleep with swirling images of the Buddha floating about in his dreams, but it was a peaceful sleep.

The lunchroom was its normal animated self the following day, except John was absent. There had been a quiz during English but Alan hadn’t seen him afterwards. One of the girls said she had seen him heading up towards the principal’s office and Alan’s hopes fell.

What had happened? John was all that mattered to him at the moment. Alan made his way to the glass door of the office and peered inside. Mrs. Lilly was on the phone so he went inside and leaned on the counter, skimming the faculty mailboxes until she was done.

“Hello, Alan. Glad you dropped by. Mr. Rouse wants to see you and I was about to send someone to find you in the lunchroom.” Mrs. Lily smiled at him. Everyone knew that she ran the school, including her boss, the principal. Fortunately Alan had an inside track. Her son had been on the Wheatley swim team.

“It’s about yesterday afternoon, isn’t it?” Alan asked.

“I’m not supposed to talk about that,” She said, “But John Bateman was suspended this morning. The poor boy he beat up is still at home sick.”

“He better be,” Alan hissed, “What a coward.”

“Well, you tell Mr. Rouse what happened, okay? Tell him the truth now. He’ll know if you lie.”

“Yes ma’am,” Alan replied.

Rouse had always been a fair man. Several generations of Montgomery students would easily testify to that fact. This wasn’t Alan’s first venture into the administrative lair but he was more than a little nervous under the circumstances. Rouse finally came through the door and ushered him into the executive cubby, closing the door behind them.

“Please, have a seat, won’t you,” He commanded.

Rouse sat behind his desk and glanced at a file laying there, Alan knew it was his school record without even asking.

“I’m sure you know why you’re here, can we talk about it or do you want a lawyer too?” Rouse asked.

“Lawyer? I don’t need a lawyer, do I? If this is about the fight, I witnessed the whole thing, it was completely fair.”

“There are no fair fights on school property,” Rouse said.

“But it wasn’t on school property, we were at least a hundred yards back in the woods, and it was after the final bell,” Alan said.

“Hmm, that’s just a technicality, the boy was badly hurt.”

“But he swung first, John was only defending himself. There were witnesses.”

“I’m sure there were. What were they fighting about?” Rouse asked.

“Didn’t John tell you?”

“No, you’re the only one honest enough to talk to me.”

“It was a jock thing, the football guys insulted the girls who were sitting at our table in the lunchroom, called them some pretty bad names. They called John out after school to fight. I’m sorry that Larry got hurt but he started the whole thing. Look, Mr. Rouse, John is not the bad guy here, what he did was, well…chivalrous. He was just defending their honor.”

“Well, Mr. Franks is talking about suing the school,” Rouse said, “I had to take action. John seemed to be at fault.”

“It made him physically ill to have to fight, Mr. Rouse. See he’s a Buddhist, he doesn’t believe in violence. He was forced to take this action against his will. I’ll stand up for him, Mr. Rouse, he didn’t start the fight.”

Rouse stared at Alan for a long time. Then he picked up the phone and consulted a number written on his desk pad before dialing.

“Hello, Mr. Franks? This is Ben Rouse at the high school. I’m calling because some new evidence has come to light regarding the fight your son started yesterday. Yes sir, it seems he did start it by assaulting another student. Yes, there were several witnesses. No sir, no, you won’t have to do that.

“Your son is hereby suspended for three weeks pending an investigation by the school board. If it is proven that he attacked a classmate then he’ll be expelled, those are the rules. Yes sir, well I’m sorry it happened but it’s out of my hands now. Yes, Mr. Franks, we’ll be in touch, thank you.”

He placed the phone back in its receiver and smiled at Alan.

“John is a very lucky boy, Alan. Mr. Franks won’t press charges anymore. To tell the truth, I fought a lot in school myself, but don’t you dare quote me on that. You seem to care about John and if you’re his good friend you’ll convince him that fighting isn’t the way we solve problems here at Montgomery. His suspension is revoked and you tell him my door is always open if he feels the need to be chivalrous again, okay?”

“Thank you sir,” Alan said, “You won’t regret this.”

He got up to leave but Rouse called to him as he reached the door.

“And Alan, tell John he’s very lucky to have a friend like you who speaks so eloquently in his defense.”

“I will, thank you sir.”

Alan closed the door behind him and leaned on the frame. Yes, they’d won even though John wouldn’t think so. But Alan had read about the ancient Buddhist monks who had developed hand to hand combat for protection, it seemed that self-defense was allowed under Buddhist teaching. That would be a discussion for another day, now he had to find John and tell him the good news.

John lived over in the Sandy Hills subdivision which was about five miles from Alan’s house. He grabbed his bike right after the bus dropped him off at home and pedaled his brains out to get there. Alan skidded into the Bateman driveway after a fifteen minute sprint and leaned the bike against a tree in the yard.

The doorbell sounded somewhere deep in the house and the door was finally opened by a stern looking man…it had to be John’s father.

“Sergeant Bateman? Hello, sir, my name is Alan Sommers. Can I please speak with John?”

“Hello, Alan. I’m glad we finally have a chance to meet. We were sort of expecting you anyway. Ben Rouse called me and said that you’d probably be coming over. He also said you’re responsible for defending John and getting him off suspension. I’m glad there is at least one sensible boy in that whole school.”

“Uh, thank you sir,” Alan said with a smile.

“Won’t you come in? John is up in his room so why don’t you go on up, second door on the right.”

Alan climbed the stairs and counted doors. John’s door would have stood out anyway. There was a strange symbol on it that he recognized as the Wheel of Life. He knocked gently. No answer, was John asleep? He opened the door quietly.

John was sitting on a low wooden table made of unfinished pine in the corner of his room. He was in the lotus position, eyes closed, legs folded into one another and his hands resting calmly on his knees. The headphones he was wearing were connected to the stereo so he couldn’t have heard the knock. Alan shut the door behind him and stood watching.

John seemed to sense a presence because his eyes flickered open. The serenity on his face made him look so beautiful. Slowly John reached up and took off the phones, placing them on the desk. The shadow of a smile came to his face but words seemed to fail them both at the moment.

Alan walked slowly across the room and then noticed the tears rolling down John’s cheeks. Why was he crying?

“I guess we’re past that first date now,” John whispered. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.” His hands went around Alan’s neck and pulled him down. The kiss lasted only for a moment but it said everything that was in John’s mind.

“I’m still in shock,” Alan said after they parted. “I had no idea you could get in this kind of trouble.”

“I was afraid it might happen, my brothers were suspended lots of times.”

“Tell me,” Alan asked, “Where did you learn about Francis Bacon, the ‘good things’ quote you threw at me yesterday?”

“’The good things that belong to prosperity are to be wished’…I read that once. It seemed very Buddhist to me, so very succinct. You wish for a decent life but it’s the adversity of living that gives it meaning. We are all one with the universe, accept it or not, it is written in the creation of all things.”

“So that’s why my being gay doesn’t faze you?”

“Yes, we all have a path to walk. It doesn’t mean we can’t travel together, my friend. You’re being gay doesn’t scare me, it’s not who you are. I admire the Alan who stood up for me in the face of my adversity, that’s the mark of true friendship.”

“I’m attracted to you, John, emotionally and physically. You know I want you to feel the same way about me,” Alan said.

“I accept that as a truth you bring into our relationship. It doesn’t mean I’m able to accept it for myself, but I don’t reject you for it. What we have is beautiful. Why don’t we let it grow and see where it takes us, okay? Can I buy you breakfast tomorrow morning?” John asked.

“If I get to return the favor on Thursday?” Alan replied.

The ritual breakfast before school started the following morning and quickly became their favorite time of the day. Louie was proud of the way Alan approached the relationship and at the same time he worried. Was Alan pinning too many hopes on something that might never develop?

Alan felt the friendship with John had passed through the initiation phase. As if to prove the point, they scored a big A on the first Biology project together and Alan could read the joy in John’s eyes. Each of them had something valuable to bring to the table, but nothing was more important than the mutual respect they held.

The past had made Alan timid about pushing his gay world into John’s lap too quickly but he knew the boy was curious. Introducing him to Louie would be a lot of fun but first Alan wanted a look at John’s spiritual world.

The temple John had finally discovered after they moved to town was built by a community of Buddhists who followed the Tibetan form of the religion. Years ago he had learned that Buddhism attracted many kinds of people from many different nationalities. He was sure Alan would find the place at least interesting. Understanding would come later.

The temple itself sat on several hundred acres of land beside the Potomac River. A holy place of refuge, John called it, for those who sought the inspiration of the Buddha. John said that although he had begun his research into Japanese Zen Buddhism he had chosen this form to study because of the Dalai Lama’s teachings. Alan had read about the Tibetan spiritual leader and the trials he and his countrymen endured in the name of religious and social freedom. He thought John had made a wise choice.

The monks were going to show a film made about the Tibetan holy man and listen to his words of inspiration on Saturday, all were welcome. Alan went with an open mind, just as John went for spiritual guidance.

John said the group had begun to focus their meditations on the war in an attempt to stop what he called the ‘slaughter of innocence.’ To this Buddhist way of thinking, the government was destroying the balance of the universe as they killed innocent people along with soldiers on both sides of the conflict.

Alan felt good about that, their goals seemed to be the same. But John still had doubts about how the SDS was planning to achieve their objective. Even thought they were getting some bad press these days, Alan was still determined to join up with them and become a major player if he could.

John drove to the temple in his new VW Beetle. His father had helped pay the difference when the quarterly report card had been so good. It still had that new car smell and John thought of it as his little blue baby.

Alan had tried sitting in the lotus position but his legs never seemed to fold just right. Exasperated, he realized there was no way he could get comfortable like that. The form wasn’t that critical to the devotions and he wondered if all Buddhists could actually sit like that for hours?

They were introduced to several monks who had traveled down from upper New York State to show the film. They looked intriguing, all swathed in orange robes with their heads shaved. Two of them looked to be in their early twenties but the third was extremely quiet and looked some years older. At one point Alan thought the man seemed to be watching him discretely.

They all stood outside in the cool autumn air, basking in the morning sunlight and listened to the monks talk about their monastery up in the mountains. John took a pamphlet they had printed and promised to stay in touch. Then it was time for the film.

“They look so dedicated,” Alan said as they walked inside for the film.

“To be that dedicated, I almost envy them,” John said. “But envy is a very un-Buddhist like concept, don’t you think?”

“You keep asking me what I think, that’s important to you isn’t it?”

“I suppose I’m seeking validation, yes. But I do care what you think, of course I do. You analyze things so well,” He said. “What would you say if I said I wanted to go visit their monastery and spend some time in meditation?”

“What about school?” Alan asked.

“It’s really all about us though, isn’t it?” John said. “You don’t want us to be separated. Would you like to come with me?”

“I’m not sure they would approve of me, would they?” Alan asked.

“Why not? What have you done?”

“It’s not what I’ve done; it’s what I think about doing.”

“I admire you,” John said. “It must be difficult to control sometimes, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not pushing on you,” Alan said, “That would be disrespectful.”

“Yeah,” John laughed, “I know, it’s your sneakiest tactic.”

The monks had gathered at the front of the room. The smell of incense burning in front of the small statue of the Buddha filled the air around them. As quiet descended over the group of thirty or so people in attendance, Alan heard a bell ring several times and a low throaty chant began.

“Om Mani Padme Ohm,” Began the mantra, the sound grew and reverberated off the walls. He remembered John saying this phrase when they first sat down to discuss Buddhism. It was the most basic of phrases in the litany of Buddhist thought, a call for the mind to focus in meditation.

John was sitting still and Alan heard him pick up the chant so he joined in. John looked over and smiled, they were truly in this together. His body began to feel the sound, the repetitive nature allowing Alan’s mind to wander and it immediately went to John.

Was he really planning to go to the monastery in New York? Would the monks accept someone with less than novice understanding of the Buddha and his teachings? He was caught up in the wonderful thought of being with John in a strange place deep in the mountains. But would we, could we? It was selfish. He was so obsessed about sleeping with John. What a selfish little brat he’d become. John had become a brother and friend, but all he worried about was if the boy would ever become a lover.

The buzzing chant was interrupted by the ringing of bells once again and the rhythmic chanting ceased. One of the monks began a prayer in what must have been the Tibetan language. The strange sound of his voice defied understanding. John sat with his eyes closed. He was off in that peaceful place, the one Alan had yet to grasp.

What good is it that he could read the thoughts and emotions of others if he couldn’t understand his own needs most of the time? As the prayer droned on Alan felt someone’s eyes staring at him and looked up to see the elder monk smiling at him. Who was this guy?

The young monk’s voice finally stopped and another took its place. It was the elder monk this time and he spoke in English.

“Our welcome to those who have joined us here today to hear the words of the Buddha and know his message of peace through the teachings of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. We welcome some new faces and wish you to know all are encouraged to walk the path towards enlightenment.

“The mantra we just repeated speaks to the jewel of consciousness, the center of our existence, the mind. The well-being of our lives is focused in both heart and mind, and as we seek to unite the two in harmony all things are possible.

“Surely this is a simple thought in such a complicated world, yet to us it is a promise of enormous possibility for change. Some of us speak of Tao, The Way of the Buddha; this is spoken in many languages throughout the world. His Holiness became the leader of a nation and a people through this Divine Guidance. You will see in the film that there is great upheaval in the world today.

“We seek to change thoughts and patterns of behavior that contribute to the disruption of mankind’s spiritual journey, our path towards the true spiritual bliss. Please view the film and stay for the discussion afterwards, thank you.”

So much of what the monk said made sense, and now Alan looked forward to the film. John had risen and brought them each a cup of tea. The lights were dimmed and Alan felt John’s leg press against his, and then the flickering screen came to life.

It began with images of a quiet people, high in the mountains of Tibet. The scenery was breathtaking, captivating and yet the black and white film seemed very old. In English, the narrator’s voice described the country of Tibet as it was before the Chinese invasion.

After a few minutes there was a change. Now they were in a mountainous region north of India. This was Nepal where the Tibetan’s had set up their leadership in exile. Long rows of monks led the camera’s lens into a huge temple and to the awesome figure of a sitting Buddha towering two stories high. Here beside the statue sat the spiritual leader of his people, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

The distinguished looking man in monk’s robes spoke quietly into a microphone, a piece of gadgetry that looked out of place in this centuries old temple. The Dalai Lama proved to be a modern man, well-spoken and quite educated. Alan was impressed by his intense and sincere manner.

The Dalai Lama spoke of the imperative of educating his people to deal with the modern world and the political realities around them. Alan knew from his reading that the Chinese had taken away everything but the love these people had for their beliefs and their way of life.

The Dalai Lama, who had fled to Nepal, was the head of a nation that had been cast out from their own land by invading hordes armed with modern technology. The results of that invasion were devastating both for the monks and their spiritual charges, many died simply for defending their way of life.

His Holiness’ words were overlaid by scenes of beauty, which slowly gave way to the realities of war. The pictures of destruction were grim and Alan felt John’s fingers grasp at his leg. John suffered so easily, he thought, for me and for all people.

The monks on the screen began to chant a long and complicated mantra and Alan felt a passionate response in the group around him. The horrors on the screen dissolved and the camera focused on the face of the benevolent Buddha.

Alan found himself mesmerized by the features on that face and through a wall of sound made by the chanting he heard another voice, the whispering of an ocean. Clearly there were waves lapping on a shoreline, a soft, soothing rhythm blended in with the low monotone of the chant.

He looked around to see if anyone else might also be aware of this and found the eyes of the older monk upon him once again. Was the man staring at him or was it John? Alan looked into those eyes but the way was blocked, he could draw no thoughts from the monk.

The sound became softer and softer as the film ended. No one moved. Everyone’s thoughts had turned inwards to absorb what they had just seen. The vivid images had been powerful and all-consuming.

A monk in orange robes carrying a small child wounded in the fighting. A woman lying dead on the ground as her naked baby ran in ever decreasing circles around her until he sat in the dust and cried. Powerful heady stuff, Alan had never seen anything worse.

When the lights came up John quickly got to his feet and almost ran out the door. Alan saw the monks watch John leave and he quickly rose to his feet and followed.

The poor boy was leaning with one hand on the wall, the remains of his breakfast in the flower bed at his feet. Alan placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder to comfort him but he felt constrained. John wiped his eyes.

“I’m sorry, guess I’m just a little sensitive,” He said.

“Don’t apologize, you’re the flower of compassion,” Alan replied. “I know how violence affects you, remember?”

Then Alan wrapped his arms around John, closed his eyes and wished away the pain. The world had been in perfect tune for them that morning. And as they stood holding each other, they felt another pair of arms encircle them both, and then another and another. When Alan opened his eyes he saw only a great swirl of orange cloth surrounding them.

The monks had seen John’s despair and come to find the reason. Now they had joined in a show of love and understanding. The sudden thrill and joy they created in that huddle transpired beyond all languages and cultures. It was a valuable lesson, John’s world and theirs was not so very far apart.

They took a long walk after that, into the gardens and out across the fields of knee high winter grass. Both were charged with the energy of what had transpired. They reached the cliffs overlooking the river and sat in the grass.

Alan smiled when John leaned against him and placed an arm around his waist. This place had forged something new and wonderful between them. He lay back in John’s arms with his ear pressed against the boy’s chest.

The heart beat within seemed strong and purposeful. Oh God, Alan thought, this was the first time John had allowed them to share real affection. He was going to enjoy remembering this moment forever, and then he heard voices.

The first young monk appeared followed closely by the other two.

“Ah, there you are,” He said, “I hope I am not intruding?”

“Oh no, please come and sit with us, the sun is warm here,” John said.

The elder monk smiled at Alan, his eyes sparkling with good will. Alan thanked him for coming all this way to talk with them. Their discussion turned from the mild weather and the beauty of this place to the war demonstrations that had begun cropping up across the country.

Alan felt extremely peaceful in the presence of these men. The elder monk smiled at him and Alan actually felt the man’s goodwill enter his mind. It was a shock to realize this man could look into his mind and yet it seemed so right. The monk made no outward sign of this ability and soon Alan began to feel like he had imagined the whole thing.

They managed to slip away in the early afternoon and John began to talk the minute they started rolling down the driveway.

“I’m sorry, Alan. It was a beautiful moment and then, poof, I know you felt cheated.”

“Yes and no. It felt wonderful in your arms and I was sorry that ended. But I really liked talking to those monks. You would think that living in a monastery they might be out of touch with the world out here.”

“Not these guys. The Dalai Lama wants them all to be educated about everything. Only a foolish man is unaware of the path he is walking. I think that the Buddhist philosophy forces us to keep our eyes open. The actions of every living thing impact our lives. It is the natural order of the universe we seek to understand.”

“It was a great experience,” Alan said.

“You know how much I care for you,” John said. “If you want to know the truth, I didn’t think I would be any good at being affectionate like that. I know you have great expectations about me and…”

“No, John. You just had to open your mind and everything else came from deep inside. When you feel like it again I’ll be waiting.”

“I bow to the wisdom of the master. Let’s go do lunch,” John said.

Chapter Eight

The image that continued to stick in Alan’s mind was that of the monk, but not one of the Tibetans who had been so kind to him when they had visited the temple. No, rather it was an old monk, his orange robes engulfed in flames as he burned himself in protest over the terror inflicted on the Buddhists by the harsh Diem regime in Vietnam.

He kept getting flashbacks to that grainy image they had shown on the television news. The old man’s posture had been so straight and rigid as the flames took his life. My God, to burn yourself …how could anyone do that?

Alan knew in Buddhist belief that the body was nothing…the mind and heart was everything. In this act of self-sacrifice the monk had achieved his destiny. The world had been taught a valuable lesson, but at what cost? John must have seen the pictures but Alan didn’t want to be the one to bring it up, it was unspeakable.

A firm hand slid across his back and sought his waist, the grip tightened. Alan tensed as the fingers pressed against his stomach and then the whistle blew. He felt his right arm being pushed under his body and the pressure of Steve Chung’s head pushing into his ribs. He tried to swivel his knees and cross his body with his opponent’s like he’d been taught.

“Sit out, sit out,” He heard the coach yell and Alan tried for the move. His timing was bad and Steve flipped him over on his back, the pin was inevitable. Damn, he just couldn’t do anything right today. Steve slapped him on the back as they walked off the mat.

“Better get your mind back on business,” Steve said. “Save the daydreaming for later when you have your dick in hand.”

Alan liked Steve, but like most other boys on the team everything equated to sex. Alan wondered what he would say if told about the monk. Steve was Asian, maybe he would understand.

John was sitting on the bleachers and he shook his head sadly as Alan walked over and plopped down.

“You’re never gonna make enough points to get in a tourney at this rate, old chum. Steve pushed you over like a rotten log, what happened?” He asked.

“I forgot to react in time, that’s all,” Alan said.

“Are you sure?” John looked around but no one was sitting close enough to hear. “Sure you weren’t mooning about last weekend again?”

“I told you that isn’t a problem, there will be other times. I have faith in you, John. Besides, I think you’re worth waiting for, unless you have someone else in mind?” Alan grinned.

“Oh you’re funny,” John said, but he smiled too.

“The Chung man thinks I’m into self-abuse,” Alan said.

“He’s right; you hang with me don’t you?” John laughed.

“You want me to tell him that? He probably thinks I’m dreaming about Marcy Williams.”

“Aren’t all the guys after her?” John asked.

“I’m not, are you interested?” Alan asked.

“Physically speaking, she is an amazing specimen of the mature female species. But don’t you worry. Dating her would be just another form of self-abuse.”

“I have no fears where you’re concerned, except that maybe I won’t get to hold you again until my next reincarnation,” Alan said.

“Oh, I dunno, I think your karma is better than that. What do you say we do something special this weekend,” John said.

Alan grinned and raised his eyebrows. John just shook his head.

“Seriously, I want to talk about the New York thing. I was hoping we might be alone long enough to complete a thought without interruption,” John said.

“And…” Alan said

“Well, you pick the place,” He suggested.

“Are you sure, I might try and shock you,” Alan said.

“Hey, go for it. I love your crazy ideas, surprise me.”

“All right, I will.”

Alan went to see Louie at the animal hospital after dropping John off at home to study for a test in trig. With Louie he had to ask permission first, that was the deal.

“Hey, Alan. Where you been kiddo?” Louie asked.

“I’m learning to be Buddhist,” Alan said.

“So when do I get to meet the sexy monk in your life,” He asked.

“Oh don’t even suggest that, Buddhist monks don’t have sex at all.”

“Ouch, I’m sorry. Have things changed since last weekend?”

“No. But that’s what I wanted to ask you, can I bring him over to your house this weekend, please,” Alan said.

“Oh dear, the Fall Ball is at Ta Ta’s this weekend, don’t you remember? Sure you do and…oh, you devious boy,” Louis said. “You think John will find it amusing?”

“Or run for the hills. I don’t know, Louie, I haven’t told him that much about the drag scene.”

“This will be one hell of an intro. But honey, you aren’t a real queen anyway so why worry? If he’s as observant as you say he is then he might find us girls a big hoot. I’ll even give you the Blue Room for the weekend.”

“I appreciate that. He doesn’t drink, you know.”

“Good, all the more for me,” Louie said, “Does he party at all?”

“Not much, it all depends on his mood,” Alan said.

“That seems to apply to everything about him,” Louie said. “All right that’s settled, be a dear, the dogs made a mess back there, would you…please?”

“Anything for you, Louie.”

“Oh, don’t say that, my dear, you aren’t old enough,” He laughed. Alan went towards the back, shovel in hand.

So how could he broach this subject with John? Maybe he should just come out with it. Oh John, want to go watch a bunch of drag queens, you know, like ladies in waiting or is it waiting to be ladies? Ta Ta was sure to give quite a show and do her best to impress John.

Louie had been right about one thing. Miss Ta Ta had turned out to be a dear man after all. The past few months she had been at Louie’s house several times for dinner and Alan got the impression that she was trying to find out if there was anything going on between them.

Her snooping around had led to some frank discussions about the gay world and the people in it. William Devine, Bill to his friends, was a scholar of some repute. Away from the drag scene, he could charm his audience like no other.

Coming from a wealthy New York family, Bill had attended Princeton and then Yale. Intending at first to be a lawyer, he instead chose a career on the stage as an actor. His speaking voice was rich and mellow from the occasional cigar he smoked and the fact that his diaphragm was buried under several hundred pounds of excess body fat.

He began to speak with Alan as if they were equals in this world. He expected the boy to ask if he didn’t understand something that was being discussed. He once said, ‘With your looks dear, you would be a sensation upon the stage…so don’t go there.’ All of life is a stage, he had explained, why waste your talents for a few measly dollars a week.

Bill had finally left the theatre to pursue a literary career and had hit the big time. His romance novels were read by every housewife and gay man in the world. His cultural tomes on art and society were treasures on many library shelves. Louie obviously revered the man and it didn’t take long for Alan to realize why.

Bill was the mentor Louie had met when he was just a boy. And now he was repeating this act of kindness by allowing Alan into his world. But even though Alan sometimes worried that Bill had other motives for his kindness nothing ever happened.

Louie had come from a poor family and when he came under Bill’s wing his life changed dramatically. Throughout Louie’s high school years, and in the time it took to work his way through veterinary school, Bill had never wavered in his support. For that reason Louie loved the big lug. To Alan’s surprise Louie told him that Bill had never even invited him into bed.

“He thought it would be like incest,” Louie said. “Although I was willing, Bill would rather think of me as the son he never had. Isn’t that sweet?”

Alan wanted to talk about the weekend plans as they met for breakfast on Friday but John beat him to the punch.

“So, Alan, what do you want for Christmas?”

“Do Buddhists celebrate Christmas?” Alan asked.

“No, of course not, but you’re Christian, right?”

“My folks are. I think Christmas is for little kids. You know, all the presents and stuff.”

“Don’t you guys go to church? It’s a religious holiday, man,” John said.

“I used to, but they don’t like homos so I quit,” Alan said.

“Their loss, I’m sure. What were you planning for Spring break?”

“Oh, is this the beginning of a trip to New York speech?”

“I wasn’t trying to be duplicitous, it’s just hard to start a conversation with you sometimes,” John said. The pained look said a lot more.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be difficult. Are you going to New York at Spring break?”

“Yes, I wrote the monastery and they invited us both, if you want to come along,” John said.

“Really? But would you like to have me there? Won’t I be a distraction to your meditation?” Alan asked.

“You already are but I’m learning to use it. Look, it would be nice to have a friend along, and I mean you. For once I know what you’re thinking. I’m not planning to become a monk, okay? Besides, they don’t do much in the way of heat in some of these places, I might need someone to keep me warm up in the mountains.”

“I’m your man then, when do we leave?”

“Hold on, Romeo, you’ll have to get permission in writing from your parents. Even Buddhists have insurance companies that make the rules. I was thinking about the 20th of March, it may still be snowy in the mountains, just think of breathing all that fresh clean air.”

“I’m thinking about freezing already,” Alan said. “And speaking of changing the subject. How would you feel about going to a very special party this weekend? I can guarantee it will be like nothing you’ve ever seen.”

“Ahh, I was wondering what little trick you had up your sleeve. Knowing you this will be a humdinger, am I right?”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” Alan laughed.

“Uh oh, I’ll just tell my parents I’m staying with you this weekend, my dad likes you,” John said.

They drove by John’s house after school and he packed a bag, Alan had asked him to bring a sport coat and tie. He raised an eyebrow but complied. Alan intended for the two of them to be as manly as possible amidst all the queens on Saturday night, he was still worried how John might react. He had packed about the same kind of clothes that morning, now they were ready for Louie’s.

Alan had spoken about Louie for weeks, but that had been in context of how he had been saved from the depravity of a dirty bookstore. Now Alan figured John was ready to meet the other man in his life, he hoped they would click.

Louie was having cocktails on the verandah, in a parka and combat boots. He was really out there in the yard to fill his bird feeders, but it was the cocktail hour. Washington weather was so notoriously fickle they all might be in shorts the following week. Louie stopped what he was doing and put on a big smile, especially when he saw John.

Alan had to hand it to the boy, John hugged Louie and they kissed on each cheek like they were old friends. Gotta love the both of them, he thought, and he really did. There followed a conversation on the correct feeding of the various species of ornithological beings that inhabited the area. Alan was lost at the starting gate on that score so he took the bags up to their room.

Sweet, lovable Louie had already turned down the bed and a spray of red roses lay across the pillows, their fragrance filling the room. Alan filled a vase down in the kitchen and was heading back up the stairs when John intercepted him.

“What a wonderful man,” He said.

“Yes, he’s so sweet, come look what he did for us,” Alan replied.

The smell of roses met them at the door and John smiled.

“He said you were the most lovable creature he’d ever met, I think he’s sweet on you,” John said.

Alan put the flowers in the vase on the bureau and turned to find John stretched out on the bed.

“Are you comfortable?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah…but something is missing, oh yes…you.”

Alan pounced on him and they rolled across the king-sized mattress. Then they lay beside each other and stared at the ceiling. Slowly the smell of baked fish floated up the stairs followed by a Mozart cello piece.

“He plays cello?” John asked.

“Like a fury,” Alan said. “Wait until after dinner, he’ll give us a concert if you ask.”

“I’d like that, you have neat friends.”

“Oh, you haven’t met everyone just yet, wait until tomorrow.”

“Ah, yes, the surprise?” John asked.

“No, you might get that tonight,” Alan laughed.

“Are you referring to us sleeping in the same bed?”

“No. Be assured I have no evil intentions towards your body, we’re just going to sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” John said. “I know this is difficult for you.”

“Why do you say that? I love just being here with you.”

“It’s just, well, you know. I don’t want to be a source of frustration.”

“I deserve to be frustrated,” Alan replied and he smiled. He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at John’s face. “But you’re a source of great joy in my life, too. We both have our doubts and fears about this relationship changing, don’t we?”

John nodded his head in reply.

“I believe when the time is right we’ll both know it. The sense of mystery and excitement I feel right now is simply wonderful and I’m enjoying the ride. You know I’ll wait for you, John. The decision will always be yours.”

“Just so you understand that your patience is appreciated. I don’t suppose I’d be a very good Buddhist if all I did was look for the down side while you showed me nothing but compassion and love.”

“But you are a good Buddhist and maybe that’s what attracts me,” Alan said.

“Then you should know that I spend more time thinking about us than any other subject while I meditate.”

Alan smiled, “Thanks for telling me, it helps.”

The grilled swordfish with basil and lemon was out of this world, and the boys stuffed themselves. Louie sat smiling at their obvious appreciation of his chef’s talents. Things got going so well Louie forgot and offered John a brandy after dinner and he accepted.

“Wow, this stuff is strong,” John gasped…his throat on fire.

“A small sip goes a long way,” Alan cautioned.

“Louie, did I hear you play cello?” John asked.

“That wasn’t the bagpipes, honey. Want me to play a few bars for you gentlemen?”

“Oh, please,” John said. He was saying all the right things tonight.

The living room at Louie’s was simply huge with a glass wall surrounding a fireplace that looked out towards the woods behind the house. Alan had seen deer stealing the leaves off the bushes the week before, he loved this peaceful place.

The room smelled of expensive cigars, Louie’s biggest vice. I’m drinking brandy, John thought, am I trying to get wiped out? No, maybe this was just relaxing, that felt just about right.

John curled up in the huge pile of pillows Louie called a couch and they sat watching the fire crackling in the massive pile of stones he called a fireplace. This place was too big for just one man, friends helped fill Louie’s life and like a true gentleman he was grateful for the opportunity to share it.

Louie began with another Mozart piece and Alan listened to the swell of the instrument as the sound filled the great room. John squirmed around until Alan found himself leaning back with his head in John’s lap. Tender fingers played with his hair, John had always said it was one of his best features. The Mozart gave way to a Vivaldi piece and then on to Bach before Louie yielded the floor. He received a standing ovation when he was done.

“Thank you, gentlemen,” Louie said. “But the orchestra is quite tired from a long day of castrating collies and kittens so I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow night’s event. I bid you both adieu until breakfast at noon. Stay up as late as your youthful bodies and good looks desire. I’ll see you in the morning.”

They kissed and hugged and then Alan was finally alone with John, they both yawned.

“Maybe we should retire,” Alan suggested.

“Yeah, I’m a little tired and I know you want to hop into bed with me anyway,” John chuckled.

“It’s my constant dream,” Alan said.

They marched up the stairs and John looked puzzled.

“Where does Louie sleep?” He asked.

“Louie sleeps in the Pink Room, down the hall and about two miles around the corner,” Alan said.

“Yeah, this place is huge,” John agreed.

“But you haven’t even seen a real mansion yet, have you?”

Alan shut the door behind them and began to undress while John went into the bathroom. He was under the covers when John came out the bathroom door clad only in his boxer shorts and slid in on the other side of the bed.

“John, are we where I think we are?”

“Yes, Alan, you got your wish. We’re finally in bed together.”

“Is it all right with you?”

“This must be what a first date feels like,” John said, and then he giggled. “You’re thinking, aren’t you?”

“The moment seems familiar but it can’t be,” Alan said.

“Can I have a kiss goodnight?” John replied in the darkness.

They rolled together and their lips met for a few moments. Alan immediately became embarrassed as his stiffness pushed against John’s stomach and he realized that the boy wasn’t erect at all.

“I’m sorry,” Alan said.

“Don’t be, that was nice,” John replied.

“I didn’t mean to touch you like that.”

“And I don’t have an erection, that’s true. But it’s not your fault, I love being here with you. I guess a long time ago I learned to control myself. When you’re as big as I am it becomes a necessity. Meditation allows me to control it. But it has nothing to do with my feelings for you, Alan.”

John leaned over and they kissed again. “I’ve never really had sex before, you know that. I’m not rejecting you, I would never do that. I just need some time to understand it all. I have to learn to accept that a beautiful young guy cares about me and why my heart tells me to return those feelings. I do love you, Alan. What we share has become more than just a friendship. I love you.”

Alan snuggled his face into the hollow of John’s shoulder and kissed his neck.

“I would never ask you to do anything until you’re ready,” He said. “But just knowing we love each other gives me joy and a wonderful sense of peace.”

“I don’t plan to be celibate my whole life. I am human after all,” John giggled.

“You feel very human to me right now,” Alan said.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, snuggled under the warmth of the blankets and secure in the love that had finally been declared.

Morning came and Alan woke as he felt John slip out from under the covers and head for the bathroom. He felt the loss of warmth but John finally came back and they snuggled close.

“Hi, you awake too?” John asked.

“Yeah, but wish I wasn’t, thank you for last night,” Alan replied.

“Did I have a good time? You were so gentle, I didn’t feel a thing.”

That started the pillow fight and soon they were both laughing so hard the fight ended with a hug.

“Do you shower in the morning?” Alan asked.

“Yeah, but how about we take a bath instead. Did you see the size of the tub in there? You could do laps.”

They got out of bed and John led him into the bathroom where they filled the tub. What Alan thought might become a shared bubble bath instead became a spiritual cleansing. How very much like John.

Allowed to play out the whole thing, John could do rituals so very well. There was sandalwood incense and warm sweet oil produced from his backpack, Alan truly felt his spirit go through the wash cycle and rinse itself clean.

It was ten o’clock in the morning, thirty-six degrees and sunny when it was all done. They sat on the deck outside the patio doors from the bedroom. Alan thought they might freeze but he felt almost nothing of the cold. John had placed himself just so and then asked Alan to sit in front facing him.

They were going to meditate but Alan had doubts he could concentrate as they were both still naked from the bath. John spoke calmly, suggesting the moment was right for this purpose. Alan felt his mind drifting as they began the mantra.

Om Mani Padme Ohm, the one he knew so well by now. Alan could feel the cold air moving around him and yet it soon began to fade, his skin felt warm. The sun beamed down on them and he felt like his body was floating

A bright light seemed to descend about him and through the glare he saw Tommy’s sweet face appear. The boy was smiling. He hadn’t been thinking about Tommy but there he was. He heard the boy’s laughter echoing around him. And although it had once been so familiar, it was difficult to remember the texture of his soft skin, the upturn of his nose, the curve of his brow.

There was no sadness in his mind, only joy. Tommy was fading and yet it seemed like he wanted to go, to mingle with the earth and the elements, to finally be at peace. Alan relaxed his thoughts and the boy was gone, the only sound a soft hissing, as if waves were lapping at the shore of a great ocean and the grains of sand were rubbing against one another.

He heard birds calling and slowly his mind realized just where he was. The birds were chattering at the feeders in Louie’s back yard and there in front of him sat the only boy he truly loved.

John sensed the change in their meditation and he became silent.

“Did you hypnotize me?” Alan asked.

“No, I can’t do that. Meditation just focuses your energy,” John said. “But with your mental abilities anything can happen…I felt something change.”

“It was so extreme. I saw Tommy’s face and a bright light.”

“You had a vision.”

“I saw Tommy laughing, he was surrounded by a bright glow and I could hear the sound of the ocean. And I’ve heard that sound before, John. When we sat with the Tibetans at the temple and the film ended I heard the same sound. That older monk, he knew what I was hearing, he even smiled at me.

“But just now, I was in Tommy’s presence for only a short time and then things began to fade. I became concerned but he laughed and I knew this was all supposed to happen. He faded, and I couldn’t remember what he looked like towards the end. Then there was only the sound of the waves left until I heard the birds chirping. Wow, it was intense, what does it all mean?”

“In the teachings of the Buddha, we are shown that death is but a return to the elements. When a body dies your life energy becomes like a drop of water mingled in the vast ocean of the universe until we are reborn. We are all reborn unless we have achieved nirvana, the object of our desires in spiritual terms.”

“So it’s as if I saw him being reborn?” Alan asked.

“Not exactly. Symbolically he became as one with the universe from which all life begins again, he simply faded away from this one. Maybe your memory of him kept him from departing before now. It must be comforting to know that he is ready to be reborn and that his laughter was a parting gift to you.

“Death is not the ultimate answer to our lives, Alan. We may grieve the loss of the body in our minds as you have cried for Tommy. But his essence will be reborn from the universe and the cycle of life will go on. The wheel will continue to turn as it always has since the beginning of time.”

“I felt no sadness, only joy. I think I would like to be a Buddhist,” Alan blurted out.

“Because of me?” John asked.

“No. I think you would still love me if I worshipped that large rock out there in the garden. But I want to know more of what brings you such strength, such peace. I feel it every time I’m with you, John. It’s like you have an aura around you. It would be wonderful to become one with the universe and be at peace.”

“A thirst for knowledge is the first step,” John said. “So you’ll come to New York with an open mind?”

“I think I’m ready for just about anything,” Alan said. “And John, thank you, it was a great comfort to see that vision this morning.”

“Really I did nothing except say the mantra. Maybe it was my destiny to bring you here for that moment with Tommy. You certainly did all the rest yourself.”

“I still think you were involved somehow,” Alan said.

“I am involved, but only with you. I like looking at your naked body, that delicate curve of your neck as it meets your shoulder and all that spun gold shimmering in the sun. You are one beautiful dude, Alan. See, maybe there’s hope for me yet?”

They went down for breakfast at noon and Louie managed to keep a straight face. Alan knew he was dying to know what had happened but would never ask. John managed to divert the awkwardness of the moment as they sat sipping coffee around the kitchen table

“Who is this Ta Ta person Alan has mentioned, is anybody going to tell me the real poop on this guy?”

“Uh oh, you didn’t tell him?” Louie said accusingly.

“Uh, I didn’t get much of a chance,” Alan replied.

“Hello guys, I’m right over here,” John said.

“Ta Ta is the ultimate drag queen, honey,” Louie said. “Alan was supposed to tell you that we’re taking you to a drag party tonight. The Fall Ball is one of our biggest events of the year.”

“Really! Cool, that sounds like a blast,” John said. “Oh, Alan. Let me guess, you were afraid I’d run screaming out the door, am I right?”

“This a bit different than anything you’ve ever seen before,” Alan said.

“I love new things,” John said with a wink. “I hear you do drag, Louie.”

“Oh yes, tonight I’m going to do my Marilyn Monroe bit.” And with that he launched into the song ‘Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend’. John clapped, laughing with glee at discovering something new about Louie.

The conversation turned to costumes, makeup and cleavage, Louie showed them the sequined gown he was planning to wear, Alan knew he’d sewn each bead and bauble on by hand.

“Oh wow, it’s beautiful,” He managed to say, “The best one you’ve ever made.”

“You sew all this yourself?” John asked, “That’s amazing.”

“Alan sews with me. You should see some of the stuff we’ve made. Matter of fact, I have some photos around here somewhere.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Louie. Maybe we’ll see them some other time,” Alan suggested.

“Why not now?” John asked. “Are you embarrassed?”

“I’ll bet it’s because his cute little butt was hanging out all over the place in that skimpy Egyptian costume,” Louie said as he produced the photos. Alan knew he had been set up.

John howled at the pictures of Alan in the slave costume and groaned at the photo of Ta Ta. “You do have a nice ass, Alan.”

“I wish you two had been around last week, we might have made plans for you to wear something,” Louie said.

“You mean we could go in costume?” John asked, “Like what?”

“Marilyn always had well-dressed men around her, I’d put you in white tie and tails, you could’ve been my escorts. What an entrance we would have made,” Louie sighed.

“So why not now,” John suggested. “Can’t we rent tuxedos?”

“Sure, Louie, we’d love to help,” Alan said.

Louie looked like lightning had struck and Alan saw the wheels turning.

“It’s one o’clock, gentlemen. We have until eight-thirty tonight to accomplish the impossible. The show commences at ten o’clock sharp. Alan, you call the Posh Togs store and see if they have the tails. You guys look about the same size but you’ll have to be fitted in person. John, you call the florist for boutonnieres. I’m going to rent us the biggest limo in town. Hop to it boys, we have a show to do.”

Alan followed John upstairs to get dressed and once the door was closed pinned him against the wall.

“I knew I loved you for a very good reason,” Alan said. “Maybe you always thought it was because I was hot for your body but it’s really because you’re the most considerate, kind individual I’ve ever met.

“This will make Louie the belle of the ball; you know that, don’t you? He’ll make the grandest entrance of all the girls and they’ll be so jealous of him, you just don’t know how much this means to him…and me.”

John kissed the tip of his nose and asked, “Do you still have the slave costume?”

“Yeah, it’s around here somewhere, why?”

“It turns me on. Will you wear it for me sometime?”

“Oh Lord, you’re not kidding,” Alan said.

By five, they each had white tails in hand. Shoes, top hats, canes and flowers completed the wardrobe; everything was in white except for the red bow ties. They drove back to Louie’s to begin polishing the shoes and removing every speck of lint from the jackets. Dinner was at six but Louie just couldn’t eat since he had a major case of stage fright. By seven they were bathed, dressed and looking like a million dollars.

John led the way outside to the verandah, standing in the cold air to keep from perspiring

“You do look handsome,” John said. Alan was beginning to enjoy the way John kept admiring his looks. But in fact they both looked handsome as hell, shining faces scrubbed clean and even their fingernails trimmed, Louie was into details. Alan had pulled his hair back in a ponytail. It was finally long enough for that once again. John had tried to follow suit, but it wouldn’t work until his hair was considerably longer.

“Are you nervous?” Alan asked him

“Should I be?” John countered.

“The girls are a hoot, you might even have them coming on to you,” Alan suggested.

“Then we’re going be Siamese twins tonight, okay?”

“I will defend your honor ‘til my last breath,” Alan said.

“You really mean that, don’t you?” John said.

“Yeah, but you know the best part? I finally have someone to share my feelings with, someone to tell about what I feel inside. I’ve missed being able to do that.”

“I’m still coming to terms with discovering I can be in love with a guy,” John said.

“I’m sure that takes some getting used to.”

Alan felt totally elated, this was their first venture into the gay world together and he knew John felt it too. Alan reached over and straightened his tie, John kissed him in return. The wash of light from the flashbulb lit the whole verandah, Louie was taking pictures again.

“Shall we take a few photos before the limo gets here?” Louie asked.

The blonde wig, the white skin and especially the legs, he had duplicated Marilyn Monroe perfectly.

“Oh wow,” John said, “What a babe you are.” He always said the right things.

“Incredible, you look just like her,” Alan said.

Marilyn blushed and did a bit of a curtsey. They all stood for photos. The limo driver rang the bell and they made him take a group photo, he probably thought they were all nuts.

The mansion on Cedar Run Lane, in fact the only house on the street, was the most impressive John had seen since he toured the White House. Ta Ta was incredibly wealthy and loved to show his opulence, sometimes in garish fashion. Four men in eighteenth century French livery stood at the bottom of the marble steps to open car doors. Alan said it always felt like they were visiting royalty.

The driver had delivered them to the portal at the appointed time and the press was waiting. To his credit, Ta Ta had set the stage for each appearance of a famous person, the party’s theme. Three hired photographers rushed forward to greet Marilyn as they exited the limo. Flash bulbs popped and questions where shouted at her as they ascended the stairs, it all felt so real. The exterior of the mansion was floodlit with colored lights and the Christmas decorations looked more expensive than the ones at Macy’s.

Two footmen and a butler were at the door to receive them as they rushed into the hall like some scene from a Hollywood photo shoot. A woman took their coats and Marilyn retired to the ladies room, of course, to powder her nose before the big entrance.

John and Alan checked each other out and then did a once over in the hall mirror. The huge sheet of glass was bigger than any mirror John had ever seen. This place was really incredible. John couldn’t stop gawking at all the lavish decorations.

“Just wait,” Alan told him, “I’m sure we haven’t seen anything yet. Ta Ta is a master at staging these events. Everything builds to the grand moment.”

“So how will I know him, I mean her. What costume is she wearing?” John asked.

“Ta Ta could never be mistaken for anything but Ta Ta,” Alan chuckled. “Tonight she is the Queen of France, Marie Antoinette herself. Personally, I used the think she was the world’s biggest bitch.”

“But you don’t anymore?”

“No, Bill is the kindest man you will ever meet. He’s just a little rough around the edges until he gets to know you.”

They heard a fanfare of trumpets from behind tall doors at the end of the long hall. Another grand entrance had been made. A footman approached them and bowed.

“Excuse me, gentlemen,” He said, “Is Miss Monroe ready? She’s on in about ten minutes.”

“I’ll go get her,” Alan promised. But Louie was already on the way.

Her diamonds glittered, the furs were perfectly arranged and the red dress sparkled. Everyone looked smashing as John bent and kissed her hand. “Knock ‘em dead, babe,” He said, and Louie beamed.

They walked slowly down the hall towards tall golden doors. John watched in amazement as Louie wiggled his hips and seemed to become Marilyn Monroe right before his eyes. The huge doors opened and the major domo announced Miss Marilyn Monroe and escort.

The heralds played a fanfare from the balcony above and down the stairs they glided into the most amazing world John had ever seen. Flash bulbs went off everywhere as they entered the ballroom. John and Alan remained a few steps behind Marilyn and stopped when she paused to accept the audience’s accolade.

The enormous hall was filled with flowing gowns and beautiful people, although some were decidedly more beautiful than others. A swirling sea of colors and faces turned their way and Marilyn smiled as someone handed her a microphone.

“Oh thank you,” Marilyn said in her breathless tone, she giggled, “You’re all just so sweet.”

The band struck up the intro to ‘Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend’ and John heard Louie clear his throat. Alan had mentioned that the vet had a really good singing voice and now they were about to hear it.

Louie sang his heart out through two choruses of the song and it brought the house down. Alan could see Ta Ta as the Queen sitting on her throne clapping away. She really loved Louie a lot.

Marilyn finished her performance with giggles and lots of blown kisses before they were escorted to greet the Queen on her throne. John looked Ta Ta over and grinned. She looked outrageous in her costume but somehow it all fit together. Ta Ta was gracious to Louie, and winked at Alan, but her eyes lit up when she saw John. They took off their top hats and bowed deeply to the Queen, she nodded her head royally.

“So my dear,” She said to Louie, “Who’s the boy chick you brought tonight?”

With a grand smile and still in character, Louie said, “Oh, that’s Alan’s new friend, Your Majesty.”

Ta Ta turned to Alan and gave him a genuine smile.

“You have good taste, Master Alan, well done.”

“Thank you, Bill, uh, Your Majesty,” Alan replied. “May I introduce Mr. John Bateman. He is new to Her Majesty’s court.”

“And so he is, a welcome addition I might say,” Ta Ta smiled.

Like a real trooper, John knelt on one knee and kissed her hand.

“I am honored, Your Majesty,” John said.

“And you are welcome, young man. You keep such excellent company that my home is yours,” Ta Ta said. She must have liked him a lot, Alan thought, and he was the proudest peacock in the house that night.

Another fanfare sounded and the next in a long line of celebrities made her entrance at the top of the stairs. John tried to decide if it was Mae West or Judy Garland? With some of these guys in drag you couldn’t tell the difference until they started singing.

Louie went to do the kissy-kissy thing with all the girls so John and Alan scooted towards the end of the hall where the bar was set up. Alan ordered a beer, John shook his head no.

“Man, this place is huge,” John said. “Any idea how many rooms he has here?”

“Over two hundred, Louie told me once. I’ve been all over the place, want a tour?”

“Oh we shouldn’t,” John said.

“But when Ta Ta said to you, ‘my home is yours,’ he really meant that, John. You made quite an impression.”

“All right, then let’s go look,” John replied.

The ballroom and a grand dining room were joined by a long enclosed promenade, which actually disguised the many portals and entranceways used by the kitchen staff. Alan took John quickly through the madhouse of the prep area into the actual kitchen, which could prepare meals for several hundred people with ease. Tonight there was only a small staff of twenty or thirty to cater the party.

They ducked through a pantry and up a back staircase to the servant’s quarters. The hallway was silent, everyone being at work. Stepping through another door they came into the upstairs hall of the house proper. Ta Ta it seems was into decorating his private space in bright colors and with beautiful wooden statuary. John ran his fingers over several pieces of art.

“I don’t think any of these statues have clothes on,” John said. “And they’re all boys.”

“He had a friend that carved most of these. I imagine the models are still around somewhere. You know Bill likes his boys. How about a look at the Queen’s bed chamber?” Alan asked.

“But that’s her private space, man,” John said.

“Nothing’s private about Ta Ta, you’ll see.”

The formal bedroom was reached through a double door off the hall. A huge bed, lots of paintings on the walls, beautiful carpets on the floor.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” John said.

“Sure is, better than a Holiday Inn. Want to see her real bedroom?”

“Bill doesn’t sleep here?” John asked.

“I wouldn’t,” Alan replied.

A small elevator built into the wall took them to the top floor and as they exited John found himself standing at the base of a huge glass covered dome. It was cold outside and the dome seemed to be covered with a million stars shining brightly through the crisp clean air. He thought it was a bit like visiting the planetarium on a third grade field trip.

“This is awesome,” John said.

“Ta Ta is into astrology you’ll discover, he connects with the stars and planets in a big way. If you get the chance, ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it.”

“I caught that. Is he into young guys or something?” John asked

“Can’t you tell? The statues?” Alan replied.

“Then stay close, will you?” John said.

“You’re safe with me,” Alan said.

They stood under the dome of stars for a while and then Alan took John down a spiral staircase all the way to a door at the bottom of the tower, but it was locked.

“Damn, we’ll have to climb all the way back up,” John said.

“Naw, I’ll bet there’s a key hidden over the door,” Alan said. There was, but he already knew that.

“Hey, you knew that didn’t you,” John laughed.

“Just messing with you,” Alan said.

The room on the other side of the door was Ta Ta’s art gallery. Bill had some famous and not so famous paintings stashed away in here. Most of it was modern, not Alan’s favorite form of art. He led John through the room to the opposite hallway.

“Hey, that’s a Picasso,” John said as he was dragged along. “Holy shit, this place is full of famous painters. That’s a Van Gogh.”

“Yeah, Ta Ta loves to collect things, expensive things,” Alan said. He opened the far door and snapped on the lights, John gasped.

“Welcome to the torture chamber,” Alan said.

No kidding, it was just that. There were chains and leather straps, handcuffs and whips, more chains and leather; this was the dungeon at Ta Ta Mansion.

“Oh man, this is spooky,” John said, looking at a rack of leather covered dildos.

“I think it’s mostly for show. The gay scene is into some pretty strange stuff but personally I follow the love and kindness method of seduction, I don’t believe in pain.”

“Thank you for that,” John said. He picked up a bell shaped device, “What’s this for?”

“I saw that in a magazine once, it’s supposed to make your cock bigger when you pump it. Not something you’ll ever need,” Alan laughed. “Come on…let’s go to the real play room.”

Alan led them down a brightly lit hall way to the arcade. Ta Ta had a room filled with pinball games, a shooting gallery, pool table and even a small bowling alley. The place was all decorated to look like a section of boardwalk on any tourist beach in America.

The machines ran on tokens, John discovered, and there were ample supplies of those sitting in bowls placed around the room. They took off their jackets and carefully hung them on the coat rack, Alan even rolled up his sleeves. They shot eight ball for almost an hour before they heard the elevator whine and when the doors opened a tipsy Marilyn stepped out.

“I knew I’d find you here,” Louie said, “Did you get a tour, John?”

“Oh, yeah, all of it,” He replied.

“Oh, Alan, you nasty boy, did you take him to the chamber too?”

“Yeah, he did,” John laughed, “I was afraid he wanted to tie me up or something.”

“I’ll bet he doesn’t have to,” Louie snickered, tweaking John’s nose between his fingers. “I just came down to check up on you, it’s a madhouse upstairs.”

“Don’t worry, we’re being good,” John said.

“Oh honey, you’ll always be good,” Louie laughed.

He stayed a few minutes longer and then left, staggering back on the elevator. John could see him become Marilyn once again before the doors slid shut, what an actor. They played around for another hour before getting bored.

“He thinks we’re having sex, doesn’t he?” John asked.

“I’ve never told him anything of the kind. I’m sorry…he is a little bit drunk.”

“It’s alright, I like Louie,” John said.

“What shall we do now?” Alan asked, wishing the subject had never come up. He’d give Louie a piece of his mind later. “Want to rejoin the party?”

“Not especially, too loud and crazy for me. How long do these things last?”

“Until dawn, I’m afraid. We could go into the library.”

“Cool, maybe we’ll find something he’s written,” John suggested.

“Probably, I haven’t read any of his stuff either.”

The library was all the way in the other wing of the house. Along the way they encountered some more male statuary.

“Whoa, look at the thing on that guy,” John said.

“Compared to whom? If Ta Ta ever finds out about you there will be another statue,” Alan laughed. John punched him in the arm.

“That’s our secret, right?” John asked.

“You can trust me to keep silent. I hate sharing.”

Alan had only been over here once and they took a few wrong turns before finally approaching the large oak paneled doorway he was seeking. The library doors were partially open and they heard a voice speaking inside. It was a poem and a nice one from the sound of it. Alan looked at John and shrugged as he pushed the door open a bit and stuck his head in.

There was a woman in a leather biker’s jacket and jeans standing on a small platform, she was the one giving the reading. Her audience consisted of two other women, similarly dressed but younger. The reader had a familiar face and had really short hair.

They were probably lesbians, John guessed. He knew that gay was not the proper term. They preferred to be called lesbian. He had always wanted to know more about them and here was the opportunity. Alan knocked on the open door and the woman stopped reading.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your reading. It sounded wonderful,” Alan said.

“Aw, that’s okay, kiddo,” The woman said. “Come on in and join us.”

Introductions were made all around and the woman turned out to be Bill’s younger sister. Her name was Mitch, which they learned was short for Michelle. No wonder she looked familiar. The two on the couch were Laura and Jinks. Their relationship as lovers was made obvious from the way they stayed stuck to each other.

“I was just reading some of Billy’s new material,” Mitch said. “I’m probably his worst critic.”

“Billy?” John queried.

“Oh, you know him as Bill,” she laughed. “I used to call him Ta Ta when I was a baby. Now he likes to use it for his drag personality.”

“I always wondered about that, thanks for filling in the information. I didn’t know he wrote poetry too,” Alan said.

“Oh gosh, dear, he writes volumes of stuff. Look, all the portfolios on this shelf are his manuscripts,” Mitch said, indicating about thirty feet of shelf space.

“I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to interrupt your reading,” Alan repeated.

“Oh, that’s all right. I suppose we shouldn’t be here anyway, I picked the wrong night to come for a visit. What brings you boys here, the party?”

“Yes, we came as Marilyn Monroe’s escorts,” Alan said.

“Right, you’re Louie’s young friend, I’ve heard about you,” Mitch said.

“I deny half of it,” Alan replied. She chuckled.

“No dear, it’s all good. Is this a particular friend of yours?”

“I’m his boyfriend,” John said. He said it so easily that despite the shock Alan felt at hearing those words he knew John had been thinking about their relationship all night long.

“You two make a cute couple, don’t they Jinks. Hey you two, we have company,” Mitch yelled at the two women necking on the couch, “Come on Jinksey, be sociable.”

Jinks and her girlfriend had been kissing heavily. Alan guessed that was a polite term for what the two of them had been doing. Jinks pulled her hand out of the girl’s pants and smiled.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Never mind,” Mitch shook her head. “Couple of stoned lesbians, what ya gonna do with ‘em?”

They left the two lovebirds alone and the three of them began to talk about Billy’s poetry, which led John into a discussion about Buddha and then the conversation turned to religion, literature, and history. Mitch was bright as hell and she seemed to admire the way John spoke up for his convictions.

Alan guessed the leather garb was deceiving. Mitch really wasn’t a biker babe at all. Finally they heard noises outside the French doors and went to see. Alan thought the party was breaking up but Mitch assured him it was just the party poopers leaving, hell, it wasn’t dawn yet.

Mitch lit a joint and handed it to Alan. He looked over at John who just shrugged. Why not, it was a party after all. John even tried a few hits but only managed to cough himself into a small high. Then they decided it might be fun to take a peek at the party. Mitch led them up to the second floor and through a doorway Alan had never noticed before.

“Hey Sam,” Mitch said to a man sitting behind a sound console, “How’s the show going?”

“Same old, same old,” He replied. They were in a control booth high above the ballroom floor. The whole room was laid out before them through a large window. Alan noticed there were TV monitors here as well. Ta Ta must have had the whole place wired.

Down on the floor Ta Ta was sitting askew on her throne, her wig was on crooked but she roared with delight at something going on out on the floor. Alan looked down and saw two of the girls brawling, complete with kicking, biting and hair pulling. Mitch shook her head in disgust.

John pointed at a row of tables that had been brought in, the midnight buffet. Several naked young men lay on them covered in cold cuts and cheeses. That was a really naked lunch being served down there.

“Does that make you hungry?” Alan asked him.

“I ate dinner,” John said, “But I haven’t had dessert.”

“Oh my,” Mitch said, “Do you boys want to be alone?”

“Oh no,” John said, “I’m sorry. We’re kinda new at this.”

“Oh how sweet,” Mitch said, “Young lovers make the world go round.”

John asked Sam a question about the sound console and they soon got into a technical discussion. Mitch pulled Alan aside.

“Look kiddo, if you two do get horny be sure and go up to the dome room. It’s probably the only place where Billy doesn’t have hidden cameras around, okay? Just a word of advice, I’d hate to give him anything like that he could use against you later, you know how he plays sometimes.”

“Thanks for the warning,” Alan replied, “But I don’t think it will happen here.”

“Well maybe, but your boy looks really cute right now, doesn’t he? Hell, we still have at least two hours ‘til dawn. You never know.”

“I want to go someplace quiet,” John said a few minutes later, “My brain needs a rest.”

Alan took them back up to the dome room and locked the door. They lay down on the circular bed in the eerie glow of starlight from above. Lying there directly under the center of the dome it felt as if they were floating up there in the sky. After a few minutes John rolled over and gave him a kiss on the lips.

Alan inhaled the smell of John’s skin and savored the taste of those lips. They held each other tightly. John had definitely come to some conclusions about their relationship. But Alan had realized from the beginning that John would always be in control no matter how much he yearned for it to go faster.

“Thinking again, aren’t you,” John said.

“Do you read minds too?” Alan asked.

“Only yours.”

“Am I really your boyfriend?”

“I believe it’s written in the stars up there,” John said.

“You’ve made me so happy tonight.”

“I’m glad that your first thought didn’t turn to sex.”

“No way,” Alan said. “It’s there in my head, sure, but I won’t…”

“Hush,” John said. “I will teach you patience and then, when you least expect it, we will become lovers. I want it to be special between us, Alan.”

The faint glow of dawn was lighting up the sky when they walked back downstairs. John was amazed at the new feeling inside head as he followed Alan down the corridor. It did seem like they had been meant for one another.

He smiled to himself. Maybe Jesus had been right after all. But then that meant this was going to be a long term commitment and he had never rushed into anything like that in his life. He needed time to reflect on these thoughts and feelings and he couldn’t think of a better place than the Buddhist temple they would be visiting. It would show him a side of Alan that he didn’t think the boy even knew about himself.

Love, so this is what it felt like? The smell of coffee and bacon wafted up the stairs. John smiled. His eyes were watching Alan move gracefully across the carpeted hall and somehow he felt possessive. It was a sense of power to know that Alan would be his for the asking and that would be wrong.

Their moment would come and it would make itself known to them both. John’s stomach growled. And as they reached the top of the stairs he slipped his hand into Alan’s as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Yes, it was.

NEXT CHAPTER