The moon was still shining brightly when John snapped back. It was as if he’d been in a trance the past hour. The clock on the dashboard couldn’t be right, he thought, it said ten-thirty. Damn, it ought to be midnight by now. Alan still lay in his arms, a position they had held for what felt like an eternity.
Alan suddenly drew away and opened the door to get out. Walking around to the front of the car, he clambered onto the hood and sat staring off across the sheet of bright moonlit grass towards the dark trees in the distance. The sight was eerie and yet John thought it captivating. Alan’s hair shown in the moonlight and through the windshield it seemed as if he were floating just out of reach.
John pulled himself out the window and sat on the door, looking at Alan across the roof of the car. “Alan…I want to thank you. It took courage to tell me what you did.”
Alan looked back at him for a moment and returned his gaze to the distant trees. “You heard me say that I had a gay relationship with a younger boy. How do you feel about that?”
John thought a moment and then spoke what was on his mind.
“Sad, that’s what I feel. Sad best describes your loss, sad that a young boy so full of life had such a tragic ending and sad that you feel there will never be another chance for you to love. I heard you, okay? What does gay mean?”
“It means I’m a homosexual, you get that don’t you? I had to be honest with you, John. This friendship means a lot to me…but…”
“But nothing, Alan. I don’t care if you’re homosexual. Do you think you’re the only one who’s ever had those feelings? I think right now you’re about the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Alan turned, his eyes glittering, and John had the feeling that their little talk wasn’t over just yet.
“You mean that, don’t you?” Alan said.
“Mean what?” John asked.
“I thought maybe you’d had some experience with guys before.”
“Oh, is that it? What are you a mind reader?”
“Yeah, it’s something like that. I know when you’re telling the truth.”
“Okay, all’s fair. I fooled around once. But I was just a kid, it was nothing.”
“Until now,” Alan said. “Until you discover that the guy you want as a best friend is actually gay.”
“That’s all right, I can handle it,” John replied. “So you do read minds or something to that effect?”
“Sort of, it’s hard to explain,” Alan said.
“You’ll have to explain it eventually.”
“I agree. But right now you think I’m beautiful sitting here in the moonlight.” Not a question, Alan already knew what John was thinking.
“Yes…,” John said, “Does that shock you?”
“A little, but you don’t think you’re gay?”
John felt cornered. “Truthfully, I don’t know what I am.”
“That’s acceptable. I didn’t think Buddhists were sexual beings.”
“Many still are. The monks don’t indulge in feelings of the flesh. Giving up sex is supposed to raise your consciousness to a higher level, but I may never succeed to that point myself.”
“I don’t understand how you could be expected to give up something that is so very human by nature. Sex is sex, humans do it naturally,” Alan said.
“For reproductive reasons, yes. Sex between guys is something different. It would be deemed a selfish indulgence. Are you sure you want to talk about this now?” John asked.
“All right, maybe later then,” Alan said. “Are you sure you want to hear about the rest of my crazy life?”
“I have to,” John said, “I think I just bought the book.”
“I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I think you’re a sweet guy, John Bateman.”
“No offense taken, my mother tells me that all the time.”
“And if I wanted to kiss you right now?”
“It wouldn’t kill me, but…I’ll have to think about it, this has all happened so fast, I need some time with it,” John said.
“Times up,” Alan said. He hopped off the hood and walked around to the passenger side of the car. He leaned over and kissed John on the cheek. A sweet and yet brotherly kiss.
“You do things like that just so you can read my thoughts after it happens,” John suggested.
“You’re a quick study, that’s good. Yeah, your defenses are down when I throw you a curve.”
“I know what you want,” John said.
“You do? How interesting.”
“You want to know about my sordid past, don’t you?”
Alan laughed and his eyes sparkled in the reflected moonlight. “Eventually I do, but only when you’re comfortable enough to tell me.”
Alan put his hands on John’s face and looked into his eyes. A slow move of his head and their lips met in a brief but very real kiss.
Alan stepped back. “Did I shock you?”
“Yes, you succeeded. But I expected it. Have you ever kissed a girl?” John asked.
“Only once and I hated it,” Alan said, “But that’s another part of what I wanted to tell you.”
They walked slowly across the grass towards the dugout and sat on the bench behind the chain link fence. “It was my last year at Eastern,” Alan began.
* * *
I had a brief sexual experience with this one girl and that was only because the situation got way out of hand. It was fortunate for me that I didn’t go all the way. She gave two of my buddies a sexually transmitted disease. Imagine explaining that to your mother, I was only in ninth grade.
Her name was Shelly and she had a reputation as a big slut from a lot of the guys at Montgomery High. Sweet sixteen and it was said she had been kissed by just about every guy on this side of town.
I was attending a party with a few of my buddies, guys that had older brothers who would buy them beer. You know the situation. I was just sitting there, beer in hand, when Shelly first made the scene. My friend Robby was just about passed out in a chair across from where I was sitting on the couch with another friend named Brad.
Shelly came bouncing down the stairs and stopped to look around. The room was draped all over with crepe paper and had Christmas lights hanging in the corners. She looked over at me, made straight for the couch and managed to squeeze in between Brad and myself. It was like sardines on this tiny little couch and after introducing herself to Brad she turned to me.
“I know who you are,” Shelly said. “You’re the terror of Eastern Junior High. My little brother goes there.”
“What’s his name? I’ll kill him on Monday,” I said.
Brad choked on his beer and started laughing, Shelly just smiled.
“You wouldn’t hurt him really, would you?”
“Depends on how I feel,” I said, warming to the tough guy role just to keep Brad laughing, “And what’s gonna stop me?”
“I will,” Shelly said and her hand slid into my lap.
Brad and Robby whooped for joy and I was trapped. The four of us were the only ones in the basement when Shelly started to unzip my pants while trying to kiss me. My friends were watching this slut going down on my cock. I was supposed to play king for my court. I had to let her do it. My buddies sat bug-eyed, watching her head bob up and down in my lap. I could see the fabric of their jeans tented with lust. I played hard to get, yawned a little and took another sip of warm beer.
It was a command performance, complete with an audience who thought they knew me pretty well. I felt nothing for her and the beer didn’t help me rise to the occasion either. Shelly kept at it a while before I stopped her. There was no way I was going to let her finish what she had started. She smiled and excused herself to go get another beer.
The moment called for a stroke of brilliance. I happened to have one while pulling up my zipper in front of my leering friends. It would be revenge worthy of a master. The bitch had to pay.
“Robby, you alive over there man?” I asked.
“Yeah, what a head job, was it good?” He laughed.
“The best,” I lied. “Look, she doesn’t know you so let’s play a little game with her.”
“Cool,” Brad said, “What’s up?”
“Let’s say Robby is deaf and dumb, he can’t speak or hear a word. I’m gonna tell her that he’s a poor boy who can’t get any because of his handicap. Yeah, that’ll work, no…wait. I’m gonna tell her you’re a virgin and you need it bad or you’re gonna go crazy after what she did to me.”
“Oh wow,” Robby said. “Think it’ll work?”
“Hey, have I ever let you down?” I said. “Shit, here she comes.”
Shelly sat back down next to me and handed over a beer. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then began to whisper in her ear. She listened and began to stare at Robby across the room. Brad could hear the game and was dying to laugh but I kept knocking him upside the head with my knuckles until the boy shut up. Finally the setup was done and I took Shelly’s hand, leading her over to Robby. I made some signs with my hand, as if speaking to the boy and Robby smiled.
“I told him you’re a sweet girl, Shelly, and you want to be friends with him,” I said.
“Poor kid, he needs a woman like you to end his suffering.”
“He is kinda cute,” Shelly said, “But how do I talk to him, are you sure he can’t hear us?”
“Not a word,” I replied. “Look, he’s not stupid. He just saw what you did. Why don’t you take him upstairs? I’m sure there’s a quiet bedroom up there somewhere. Just be careful girl, he’s hung like a horse, truly awesome.”
“Oh my, the poor dear,” She said.
She led Robby away up the stairs. The boy had a smile on his face and a major bulge in his pants. Brad and I just about died laughing after they were gone.
* * *
“So you managed to pass her along to your friend,” John said. “Very clever.”
“I thought so. It also made me aware that I was vulnerable.”
“You never met another gay boy after…?” John hesitated to say the name.
But Alan understood and smiled. “Sure, you might say I met some pretty gay folk my first year at Montgomery.”
“You want to tell me about it?”
“I suppose I better,” Alan said. “But let me tell you what happened first.”
“Go on,” John said.
* * *
What had started out as a really bad year for me only seemed to be getting worse. My friends were all boys from the wrong side of the tracks who looked at me as leader of the pack. It took no effort to realize all I was leading was a bunch of air-headed fools who would turn on me in a minute if they knew I was gay.
There was a boy named Terry Brown that seemed to always be on the fringe of everything I did. Once or twice I caught him looking at me and I decided his interest was more than just as a friend. There were a few times we got together, but it was only a few JO sessions in the basement. But even if he had gay feelings I wasn’t in a receptive mood for anything serious. His timing was off. My emotions were still on hold.
I had become aware of the greater world around me and all the shit that was going on. Everything seemed to be focused on Vietnam. People were dying over there and I began to realize this had been going on for some time. Both the newspapers I read for Civics class and the evening news were full of horror stories about the place.
At some deep level it really frightened me. Brad and Robby were the kind who would end up in a foxhole and love every minute until their world blew up. I had no illusions about being a soldier, especially when I felt the cause was wrong.
My father and I argued about the outcome. I said we were going to start a world war, I got sent to my room. I was punished for what I thought. That was when I started thinking of my father’s generation as the enemy. It’s unfair, I know. I shouldn’t have lumped together everyone over the age of thirty, but I was angry.
My mother took my side, but not openly. She would clip out little articles from magazines and leave them where I could find them. Stuff about how God hated war and how killing was against the teachings of the Bible. It was her way of supporting my growing anti-war feelings.
My friends began wondering if they would be drafted into the military after high school, everything was becoming more personal. The evening news began giving us the body counts and Bob Dylan’s lyrics suddenly began to make sense to me. The times were changing and I didn’t want to be left out.
Not that I could make a one man stand against the military, but I was really beginning to see myself as a radical. I needed to purge the anger and frustration I still felt. Something had to come along and kick me in the butt, and then it did.
I was hanging out at the Record Rack down at the mall when this guy came in and put a poster up on the bulletin board. I looked it over and knew this was an opportunity to do something. The war protest was coming to Washington.
The Students for a Democratic Society had yet to become the notorious SDS that we read about in the news. You know how the media quickly associated them with violence and the radical underground. But back then it wasn’t true, well, not yet anyway.
I had read some of the stuff published on the West Coast and agreed that a student protest was the next step. If President Johnson was planning to use me as cannon fodder in his dirty little war at least he’d know how I felt about it. The poster proclaimed that the SDS was marching on Washington in two weeks. No matter what happened, I was going to be a part of history.
My parents would never drive me downtown and so when the Saturday rally date arrived I had to take the bus. The long ride down to the Washington Monument was eventful. The bus was crowded with college-age kids, most of them looking like hippies. I was pretty clean cut by comparison although my hair was growing long again.
I saw slogans hand printed on T-shirts and wished I’d thought about doing something like that. The excitement was growing inside of me. Everyone was going downtown to get radicalized.
There were ten or twenty thousand people on the National Mall that day and I saw plenty of other kids my age. The energy was flowing, along with a little pot smoke. But the drugs weren’t my reason for being there. Keeping my ass out of the war seemed much more important.
I spent the day collecting as much literature as I could shove in my backpack. Every kind of group imaginable seemed to be there, the written handouts ran from the peaceful to the absurd, and even the violent. Predictably, I ran into Robby and Brad who had come down to get high and ran into a group of students from San Francisco with a large stash of pot. I ditched them fast since it wouldn’t do to end up in jail or on the evening news. My parents would kill me.
The cops were really out in force that day, too. Many of them were just wandering through the crowds taking pictures of the pot smokers who didn’t seem to care. I spoke to hundreds of people from across the country and listened to what they had to say about Johnson and the war. My mind was charged with the excitement.
The crowd came together in one area to hear the speakers on the podium telling us things we all agreed upon. What affected me the most was the camaraderie. So many different people of all ages were around me. I began to realize that my mind was wide open. The thoughts of those around me were clear and it was electrifying.
In the midst of all this chaos, one figure stood out in the middle of the crowd. I pushed my way through the mass of people towards the speaker. The sound system was just horrible so I just kept moving forward. And then I recognized the guy’s face from one of the pamphlets. His name was Rennie Davis.
Davis was the national leader of the SDS and an impressive mouthpiece for the movement. He stood talking with a small group of college students about the need for a national student strike at campuses across the country. I remember thinking, wow, an action like that would really piss off the government.
Suddenly he stopped talking, looked right down at me and pointed. I didn’t realize how close I was to the front of the crowd and I froze as a sea of faces turned my way.
“See that boy right there? If we don’t bring this government to its knees over this issue then kids like him will be the next generation to be fed into the military machine. By then there won’t be any campus rallies because whole institutions will be shut down as students are conscripted to fight. We have to be willing to put our bodies on the line to stop all this madness or suffer the consequences this insane government will bring down on us in the next five years.”
I thought the man was quite eloquent and applauded his speech. When Davis came down off the stage he began to move off into the crowd. But he stopped long enough to shake my hand, thanking me for coming to the rally.
I looked into those determined eyes and saw that the man really meant every word of what he had said. I was the one who should be thanking the SDS for giving me a cause.
The past two years had been a huge blur of nothingness. My whole world had toppled after Tommy’s death and my grades had plummeted. My social life was reduced to a shambles. But standing there in that crowd I felt the beginning of a new craving and the possibility that I could participate in something important. Rennie Davis was right, everyone had to get involved or die trying.
I tried to become embroiled in the anti-war movement but no one seemed interested in talking to a young kid. My letters to the various organizations represented in all the literature went unanswered, except for one. Those guys told me I was too young to get involved with their organization. I was a liability they couldn’t accept. But I could hand out flyers and talk to people. I just couldn’t participate in the protest marches. It made me wonder why my feelings weren’t important to them.
Slowly my anger cooled into rational thought and I decided to wait until I could organize a student group this fall. Then maybe since I would be part of a student organization they would all have to listen.
* * *
“And that’s where I was three months ago, John.”
“The SDS is a pretty radical group, Alan.”
“I know, but I understand the violence is just an expression of their frustration.”
John shook his head, “Violence is not the answer.”
“I didn’t say I agreed with it, I just understand. No one in that damn government downtown seems to be listening. We’re old enough to go and die for our country but not old enough to vote, that’s pure crap.”
“Surprisingly, even my father agrees with that,” John said.
“Good, but I’m afraid your father is part of the problem,” Alan said.
“He also says that no good soldier ever likes a war. I know you don’t like the military but I understand them a little better than you do.”
“I concede that point. They’re just a tool of this bad government. But let’s not open up that can of worms tonight, okay? I have to tell you about this past summer, it’s important to our friendship.”
“All right, I’m listening,” John said.
“I needed to relax after my botched attempt at joining the anti-war movement. And to me that meant swimming laps in the pool. Swimming has always been the surest way for me to bring my mind and body together. It’s like my Buddhist thing, okay?”
John smiled as Alan continued. “Lap after lap the body tires as the mind grows stronger. Without a doubt I always feel better after swimming a mile or two. So I went back into the water where I felt at home and put the thoughts of war behind me. Face it, a pool full of guys in bathing suits can be a nice distraction. And then I ran into Terry Brown again.
“He was going to a private school and I had not seen him for most of the year. The looks he gave me said that he was flirting but he never said anything right out in the open. I know he was wondering about me, but I never allowed him to think I was feeling anything even remotely sexual. I wasn’t his jack off buddy anymore, if anything I saw Terry as a risk because at the time there was there was a big scandal over at his school.
“One of the teachers had been having sex with the students. It was all over the papers for
several days. Even though none of the boy’s names was ever mentioned, I just knew that Terry was in the middle of it. End of story.
“I’m telling you this, John, because he’s a student at Montgomery. Now that we hang out together he’ll become aware of it. I just don’t know how he’ll react.”
“Wow, so I’m living in the shadow of one of your old admirers? This is like being in a soap opera. Will we be expected to fight over you?”
“God, I hope not. He’s just very confused about his sexuality and that has to be fucking
with his head. Letting some teacher suck you off for a good grade is nothing but a cruel joke, especially if the boy is really gay. Terry needs to deal with the emotional trauma in his life. Sex without love has to leave you feeling pretty empty.”
“Sex without love is destructive, I agree,” John said. “We should only hope he doesn’t make trouble.””
“Don’t you think our friendship a little odd sometimes? I mean here we are talking about sex and love, is this what guys really talk about?” Alan laughed.
“I asked you before if we’d met in another life, do you remember? I really think we have and that’s why this conversation is so comfortable and truthful.”
“I just never want you to be uncomfortable with what we talk about. You’re very important to me John Bateman. I’ve never had a friend quite like you, not even Louie.”
“Who’s Louie?” John asked.
“Oh, I haven’t mentioned him, have I? He’s my guardian angel, the gay kind. I’ll tell you about him but first I want to tell you about a conversation I had that set me back on the pathway to life after Tommy died.”
“Really? Please, I want to know. Profound things really interest me,” John said.
“Like it’s getting profoundly late, we’ll get in trouble?”
The dashboard clock said it was quarter of twelve. John would turn AWOL at midnight and the Old Man would be furious.
“Oh, shit. But I want to hear more,” John said.
“How about lunch tomorrow?” Alan suggested.
“It’s a deal, you can tell me about that conversation.”
The short drive to John’s house was animated but they said nothing of importance. That would keep until tomorrow. Alan pulled up in front and they both looked over at the porch light above the door.
“So if the light was off you’d be toast, is that it? Is your father sitting up in the living room waiting for you?” Alan asked.
“Probably, but I’m six minutes early.”
“Then sleep well, I’ll come get you at eleven.”
“Alan, thank you. Thank you for trusting me. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t. Here’s where I’m supposed to kiss you good night, but we’re not like that, are we?” Alan said.
John hesitated but then leaned over and kissed Alan on the cheek before he got out. “Drive carefully going home, good night.”
“Good night, yourself,” Alan said. Good night, sweetheart, he thought to himself.
Alan pulled slowly away from the curb as John walked to the front door. He looked over his shoulder and watched as the door closed. The porch light went out.
A shudder went through his body, a release of the tension that had been with him all evening. Suddenly he felt tired and yet at the same time very elated. He had just told his best friend that he was gay, and John had not flinched.
Tommy. He had not said that name out loud for a long time. The overwhelming sense of sadness wasn’t there anymore. “Tommy,” Alan said out loud to the empty streets he saw through the windshield. “I will always love you. But I need to love John too.”
There were no tears this time, only a sense of freedom, of joy. The burden had been removed from his shoulders. John had made that possible. Fate had brought them together like this. John would call it karma and that seemed to be as good an explanation as any.
After the short drive home, Alan pulled into the driveway and shut off the engine. His hands still gripped the wheel.
John was probably in bed by now, his mind churning with all that they had discussed in the past four hours. Or maybe he was sitting in the lotus position meditating. Yes, that would be more like John.
His mind felt a warm and soothing peace when he thought of John’s face and the kiss they had shared. This is what he wanted love to feel like, this is what his life needed again.
And then tomorrow…tomorrow he would see John and begin the courtship. They needed time to learn about love. Not just sex, although a bit of that would be nice when it happened.
Alan whooped out loud, “I love you John Bateman, can you hear me? I love you.” The sound reverberated in the interior of the car and Alan laughed. “Sweet dreams, my prince.” He got out of the car and shut the door quietly. The silvery moonlight lit the driveway and Alan stared up at the stars for a moment.
Sometimes it was good to be alive. He walked to the side porch and let himself in at the kitchen door before turning out the porch light.
They sat across from each other at the Cottage House. The noise of the Sunday morning breakfast crowd around them offered little solitude. It would be impossible to converse on the level he needed and so Alan waited to resume his story.
“Do you mind walking a bit after our meal?” He asked.
“Where to?” John replied.
“I thought I might take you down to the dam. It’s probably the best place to tell you the next part of the story.”
“The dam, I would be honored,” John said.
“Good man, a worthy friend.”
An hour later they were perched on the rocks above the cascading waters and John could easily understand why this place was special. Tommy had sat here and John looked around as if there might be some remnant of the lost boy.
“Up there,” Alan said, reading his thoughts.
John turned and looked up at the large boulder towering above their heads. Scratched into the surface were the initials he’d been seeking. A.S. & T.B.
“I sat him on my shoulders to reach that high. He didn’t weigh much, but I was still sore when he was done. It took him at least half an hour and I figure the initials will last at least a hundred years.”
Alan turned away from the rocks and stared out across the water. John knew it hurt him to see those initials but at least he had something permanent here, something Tommy had done for their sake.
“One Sunday afternoon I found my way down here and sat on these rocks to think.” Alan said. “I closed my eyes and thought about how Tommy had loved Sunday afternoons with me down here by the water. We would make love and then if no one was around we would skinny dip.
“My mind still holds an image of him standing up to his waist in the water, a sparkle of light playing on the surface, like diamonds surrounding him. Tommy’s fingers would comb through his hair and he would giggle as the mud oozed up between his toes.”
Alan’s voice wasn’t filled with sadness this time, John noticed. It was a relief to know that the time of mourning seemed to have passed. The emotions of the other night had worn him out. He had meditated long and hard over Alan’s words. And the recollection continued.
* * *
As I sat here, there came a sound of laughter and I saw two boys down below skimming rocks across the water. They were young, both about Tommy’s age. Not really knowing what I was thinking, I climbed down and walked along the shore until I reached them.
“Hey guys,” I said. “Answer me something will you?”
“I dunno,” The little blond one said, “What’s the question?”
“Have you guys known each other for a long time?”
“Oh yeah, since first grade,” The second boy said.
“Are you the best of friends?” I asked.
“Sure, I guess so. Aren’t we Jimmy?” The blond asked.
“Yeah Mike, you’re my blood brother, remember?”
“Oh yeah, we did the ritual thing in third grade, I still have the scar,” Mike said, showing me a scar on his hand.
“So Mike, what makes Jimmy a good friend, is he dependable?”
“Yeah, I can always depend on him to drink the last Coke in the fridge at my house,” Mike laughed.
“But seriously, would he defend you in a fight?” I asked.
“Yes, I know he would,” Mike instantly replied, “Just like I would back him up if he needed me. So why all the questions?”
“I just wanted to know what it means to have a best friend your whole life. It sounds to me like having a brother.”
“Oh no way, my brothers are real assholes,” Jimmy said. “Mike is better, we think alike.”
“Yeah, I know what Jimmy is thinking every time he looks at my sister,” Mike laughed.
“Oh shut up,” Jimmy protested, “I don’t like her.”
“But maybe you will someday,” I suggested. “Would it be so bad if you dated his sister?”
“It would be awful,” Jimmy laughed, “She’s seventeen.”
“Yeah, he can’t even get it off yet,” Mike said.
“I can so, you’re the baby dick in your family,” Jimmy threw back.
“You aren’t going to fight each other, are you?” I asked.
“Hell no, we mess with each other all the time. Don’t you have any friends you mess with?” Mike asked.
“No,” I said, and turned away, but then I stopped. They were just staring at me now.
“Listen guys. Do you love each other? “
Mike looked puzzled at the question and he stared at me for a while before looking over at Jimmy.
“I don’t think I really love him but he’s the first person I want to talk to when something happens,” Mike said.
“Yeah, I agree with that,” Jimmy said. “I can tell him things nobody else knows and he doesn’t give me too much of a hard time about it.”
“What if you had to tell him something really hard and personal? What if he said he was queer?”
“Get lost, that’s fucked up, I ain’t no queer,” Jimmy said and he walked away.
But Mike stayed and looked at me.
“Are you queer?” He asked.
“Yes, I am,” Alan said.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It can’t be easy. I hope you find a best friend,” He said, “Everyone needs a best friend.” And then he ran off to find his.
The boy was right, it wasn’t easy. Somehow I wasn’t taking the right approach to the situation. I needed to find out just how others solved these issues. Where were all the queers hiding out?
I had always been aware that there was a hidden side to the queer world. It always seemed to receive the most publicity. The harsh part was that even if most of it was true I found it disgusted me. How could I identify with crap like that?
I would read in the paper about the queers busted in the park doing their business in the bushes. Only an idiot would be out there like that in a public place. But then I would remember what Tommy and I did on the baseball field behind his school and what happened here at the dam.
I’d see an article about some queer guys getting busted in a department store men’s room. That had to be another loser scene, but I’d been tempted to go down there and see it for myself.
Almost everyone knew about this adult bookstore over behind the mall. Maybe, if I could get the right identification I’d be able to sneak in there. It was worth a try.
But I needed the real thing too, like a driver’s license. At this point Maryland still hadn’t gotten around to putting photos on them yet which was perfect. There was a lost and found at the pool so I figured most places had them.
On Monday I went by the grocery and the drugstore without success, most places sent a lost license back to Motor Vehicles right away. I was on my way home when I decided to try the delicatessen. Luck was with me, there was a new clerk behind the counter.
I asked him if they had a lost and found since I had been missing my school ring for a week. Sure enough he pulled a box of goodies from under the counter. Another customer approached so I took the box from his hands.
There were all sorts of things in this box but of course no ring. However there were two wallets and I covertly slid them open and bingo, a license fell out of the second one. William Anderson was the name on the license, five-nine, blond hair, blue eyes. We almost made a good match, and then I looked down at the birthday. I’d have to pass for thirty-one and that seemed absurd, but I took it anyway.
I went home, put on a shirt and tie and then donned my trench coat. Looking at my image in the mirror, I decided it was laughable. I could try to act the part, but couldn’t convince myself that I looked the right age. But I might pass for twenty something.
I got in my mom’s car and drove out towards the mall, hoping no one would see me dressed like this. In the trench coat I looked like I’d just come from church, not the image I was trying to project.
The bookstore was in a small building tucked away on a side street. I parked around the corner and put money in the meter. That gave me a few hours. If it took longer than that it would be because the owner had turned me in to the cops.
My heart was pounding as I stepped through the door and approached the counter. The clerk asked if I was a member and I said I wasn’t. He a told me it was five bucks and he wanted to see some ID.
He passed over a membership card and asked me to fill it out. I quickly printed my name, the fake name. The clerk rang up the sale after a cursory glance at the license.
“Welcome to the club, Mr. Anderson. We’re open seven days a week, noon to midnight.” I was so relieved I still remember his words.
I wanted to scream with delight as I stepped through the door, then I felt like screaming at what I saw inside. There were about ten men in there, most looking at girlie magazines until I entered the room. The eyes all turned towards me and somehow I felt naked. Most of the men went back to their magazines, but one didn’t.
I walked around the room, trying to act normal as my knees trembled and my hands shook. The nearby racks were loaded with big tits and bare pussy. I turned away from that and realized the magazines I wanted would tell everyone in the room what was on my mind. It was hard to be queer, but I was.
I moved to another wall and found my first naked man on the cover of a slick trade magazine. The whole row was naked men, and I was just thinking about how wonderful it all was when a man slid up next to me.
I could smell the alcohol on this guy’s breath and ignored him for a while. The man finally moved away and I picked up a copy of Manhood. The cowboy on the cover was dressed in a black vest and nothing else. I opened the cover to discover a shot of another guy with a cock of historical proportions fucking the cowboy’s brains out.
I put the magazine down and was reaching for another when a hand intercepted my move.
“Here, look at this one,” The voice attached to the hand said.
I hadn’t noticed this guy before, he looked like a college student, maybe twenty-one or so. He was handsome and well groomed. I smiled and took the proffered magazine. The guys inside this one were real young, probably eighteen but I couldn’t be sure. There sure was a lot of action going on in those pages and it was beginning to turn me on.
* * *
John laughed. “You actually met a guy in a porno bookstore? That’s too much.”
Alan smiled. “Wait, it gets better. I was in way over my head.”
* * *
“I’m Louie by the way, what’s your name.” The guy said to me.
“Bill,” I replied
Louie offered to buy me the magazine if I liked it, then he offered to buy me a drink. I just had to get out of there and I knew the other men were watching and listening. I didn’t mind that Louie was trying to pick me up, if anything I was flattered. Louie paid for the magazine at the counter and we walked out into the afternoon. He offered to drive and bring me back for my car later.
What the hell I was doing I sure didn’t know. Bill’s character was just supposed to be this ticket through the door. Now this guy thought I was Bill and wanted to buy me a drink and then he would ask to take me home and, it was just about too much.
But Louie had a cherry Mustang, it was gorgeous. I told him how great the car looked as we drove out of the lot and it broke the ice. He asked if I was hungry and I agreed that something to eat might be nice. We talked about his love for cars and I asked him what he did for a living.
He told me he was a vet, cats and dogs mostly. Then he asked what I did and I told him I was a student. He asked what university I was attending and I just couldn’t continue the charade. I told him that I was still in high school and waited for him to freak out, but he didn’t.
Instead he started to laugh and said he had done some crazy stuff in high school but he had never snuck into a bookstore. I asked if he was queer and he said, “Yeah man, I’m the real thing, a genuine homo.”
I told him my name was Alan and that I was only sixteen. We sat in a small diner off the main highway, a very public place. Louie felt more at ease now, the lies were over. I ordered a hamburger and fries and then Louie really focused in on me. He looked me over. I was past the frightened stage and began to focus in on Louie’s emotional response. I knew he was trying to make a decision.
He said I was too young to be approaching the gay scene like this. It was the first time I had heard the word gay used instead of queer. He felt empathy since it had been tough for him as a kid. He’d met an older man when he was fifteen and they’d had a father/son relationship.
Now he was twenty-five, successful and dating several wonderful men. Then he looked me in the eye and said that maybe he could find the time to mentor a new boy, but only if I would keep our friendship a secret.
I swore I would, in fact I swore on Tommy’s grave that I would never tell. He asked me about Tommy and I had to tell him a little bit about my past
* * *
“And I thought I was the only one who knew that story,” John said.
“Sorry, not true. I was last year’s tragic figure in the GDW, they all seemed to know. But John, the story you heard was unique. You care about my feelings and so I gave them to you fairly bluntly.”
“Apology accepted. What is the GDW?”
“Oh, that? The Grand Dames of Washington is sort of an organization for queer, uh, gay folk. Oh hell, John, they’re all drag queens but some of them are very nice. The rest you wouldn’t like.”
“You know drag queens?” John asked with a laugh.
“Do I know drag queens?” Alan laughed. “Where do I begin? Maybe I should just tell you about that first show.”
“You were in a drag show?” John laughed even harder, this was too much fun.
“Sort of, but I wasn’t in drag. Louie said it wasn’t my thing, and then I was still underage. But I’m getting ahead of myself,” Alan said.
* * *
I was standing at the foot of the marble staircase and watched as the Queen of Egypt, Cleopatra the Magnificent, made her grand entrance. I bowed as was expected of me, a mere slave of her court. That’s when my black wig fell off and a few snickers passed around the room. My hair had been bound up under the wig but I freed it and shook it out. That caused a few murmurs, my blond hair was longer than the black wig I had been given. No mind, we went on with the grand charade.
It was the Annual Drag Queen’s Ball last year, thrown by Miss Ta Ta Sweetcheeks and the Grand Dames of Washington. Louie had made himself up into a magnificent Cleo. Hell, he’d spent three months alone on the jewelry and costumes for this party.
My white body glistened with baby oil and my skimpy loincloth was a pale blue, beautifully trimmed in gold. The heavy gold collar plate around my neck itched like hell. Other than that I was having great fun standing almost naked in front of all those people.
To prepare himself Louie had rented old movies about Egypt, some of Hollywood’s finest. We had watched them flicker through the projector about a half dozen times, all the while taking serious note of the costumes. Then Louie had sewn for days until his poor fingers bled when he even looked at them. All for one night’s glory and a measly hundred dollars prize money, a true drag queen’s delight.
At first Louie opened a window on the gay world for me. A debt I can never repay in one lifetime. But we had to set a few ground rules for me right up front. As Louie said, the sanity of our friendship depended on it. Rule One was not sleeping together, I was jail bait. Louie said we were taboo for one another. If I found a boyfriend, I could bring him over. Louie would bless a union between peers. Otherwise I scared him to death.
I knew he didn’t mean it to be anything but flattery when he said he thought I was the most desirable young man he had ever met. He quickly became a surrogate parent so I started helping out around the veterinary clinic after school to show my thanks. The parents thought it was nice that I’d made friends with a doctor and hoped I might get a real job there someday.
I was doing my homework in the medical supply closet every afternoon and shoveling dog shit in the kennels out back when it was done. I like animals and some of them seemed to like me too. Louie often joked that I would never be a true homo unless I owned a cat. The relationship is good for us both.
The fact that Louie might have a boyfriend and my presence might get in the way worried me for a while. But Louie didn’t have one special friend, he confided, there were three at the moment. His theory was that if he could date three guys off and on then he wasn’t about to get serious with any one of them in particular. Louie just felt like he wasn’t the marrying kind right now. He still had his girlish figure
Louie was very informative on the entire gay scene right from the beginning. I had read so much misinformation it was like starting over again. He loaded me down with books to read. I studied every one as if there was going to be a test the next day.
The classics and novels by famous gay authors taught me one very important lesson. We are everywhere. The world has seen a pantheon of great men and women who were different. They molded that difference into their lives as gay and lesbian artists and have given back a richness that I believe will become eternal.
I found new heroes and role models amongst the great queer folk of history. It gave me courage and made me bold. If I wasn’t yet old enough to actually be in the gay scene then I was determined to become an expert on it.
It was with some amusement that I happened to find Louie’s walk-in closet full of dresses one afternoon. At first Louie had never mentioned his interest in drag, probably because I wasn’t old enough for the clubs where a lot of the drag shows occurred. But he had many friends and I eventually found myself being taken along to the private parties thrown by the Grand Dames of Washington.
The first night we went to an old house in Alexandria, Virginia. No one answered the door when we rang so Louie just barged on in. There were guys in various stages of undress and some even had curlers in their hair. I remember this one guy came running down the stairs and stopped short when he saw me.
“Are you with the caterer?” He asked. “No, you couldn’t be.”
Louie introduced me to Steve, the owner of the house.
“Sorry, dears, it’s a madhouse at the moment. Carlos is due any minute with the finished wardrobe for the show on Saturday. Everyone is so excited, and my, aren’t you the cute one, dearie.” He smiled at me and I saw lipstick on his teeth.
I could smell the alcohol and pot smoke in the air. Louie laughed and pulled me out onto the side porch which had couches and chairs all around. He asked me to sit while he looked into a few things.
“Take a seat, kiddo,” A woman’s voice said. I hadn’t seen her sitting over by the piano in the corner.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You Louie’s friend?” She asked.
“Yes, we just met last month.”
“Good man, Louie. He takes care of my dogs. I’m Brenda, by the way, and you?”
“Alan. Sorry, this is all a little strange to me.”
“We all gotta start somewhere, don’t we? I work with Steve at the restaurant. Have you ever met a lesbian before?”
“No. There aren’t any in my school.”
“Maybe, are there gay boys?” Brenda asked.
“Probably. Sure, I know of several.”
“Then there are probably a few butch girls over there too. Look, kiddo, gay and lesbian people are everywhere. It’s probably easier for a boy than a girl at your age. Hell, I didn’t know what I was until I was twenty-three.”
“I imagine it’s hard to figure out at any age,” I said.
“You got that right, it’s kinda scary too.”
With that Brenda pulled out a silver cigarette case and lit up a small cigar. Somehow smoking a cigar fit the image. Her hair was short, brown and combed straight back. She wore jeans and a button down shirt. She had large forearms and muscular biceps. With that no BS attitude I liked her right away.
We talked about school and the restaurant business, that’s when I found out she ran the place with Steve, they were partners. Louie reappeared and Brenda sat and talked with us until her lady friend arrived. Her lesbian partner was shy and sweet, so I guess that opposites do find themselves attracted.
The entertainment they put on the following Saturday night was hilarious and I have never laughed so hard as the first time I saw Louie all made up and sheathed in a slinky dress. And just when I was beginning to think that drag was nothing but handsome men in beautiful gowns I met Miss Ta Ta.
* * *
“Ta Ta Sweetcheeks? What a name,” John laughed.
“Oh, she’s a serious lady when she’s in drag. Kinda scary too.”
* * *
Ta Ta is a rather large man who shaves himself completely bald. I imagine he also gets waxed from head to toe. He bubbles with excitement and seems so full of life for such a big guy. At first I thought he was just full of himself because he didn’t seem to care for me.
Louie laughed it off, but I was offended. Ta Ta would come around to liking me I was assured. I stayed out of Ta Ta’s way for a while after that. It didn’t matter, there was so much other stuff going on around me.
Louie had the perfect figure to portray a woman, a subject of great jealously amongst the girls in the club. Put him in a dress and his face became softer, even sexier after the transformation, and a little makeup did wonders.
He asked me to sit in the living room one evening until he had changed and then he suddenly re-appeared at the door in a pose. His head was crowned with a beautiful wig of long silky black hair that he had piled on top in a classic do. Long strings of white pearls hung around his neck. The stark red of his slinky dress ended at his thighs where the black fishnet stockings followed the curve of his legs to the matching red pumps on his feet. He was simply gorgeous as a woman and I gave him a standing ovation.
To Louie and his friends it was the ultimate form of theater, though some of them, including Ta Ta, looked like they’d graduated from clown school. Be kind to her, Louie cautioned me, she has more money than most of the real queens of this world. And damn, Louie was right.
Besides the dresses they wear, each of these men develops a persona. Each outfit they wear encases a different personality. Some actually sing, but many just lip-synch to tapes of the great and famous, Garland, Streisand, Billie Holiday. I had such great fun watching Louie’s friends perform. I could almost forget who I was. But then some bitch who still objected to my minor presence would come along and remind me.
I was sure Louie had caught hell from Ta Ta by bringing an underage boy into their midst. In my own way I tried to diffuse the situation by being helpful when I could.
* * *
“As it stands now most of them accept me but probably because Ta Ta says I can be there.”
“And you still go to these shows?” John asked.
“I was still wondering which persona Louie was going to be in this fall’s show when I sat down in English class the morning we first met. Then I happened to look over at the guy sitting at the end of the row beside the window and he looked back at me, the rest you know.”
“You just think I know,” John said. “No, I feel as if the mystery is just beginning. Every time we talk I learn something more about you.”
“Stop, you’ll make me blush,” Alan said. “Your turn is coming you know.”
“Too late, and speaking of late, do you know what time it is?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been rambling on about my life and…”
“Hey, never apologize to me for something I wanted. I just have to be home for dinner this evening. This is the probably the most important moment of our friendship, Alan. We can accept our differences because we trust. Will you introduce me to Louie?”
“Are you sure? The gay scene can be a little intimidating and remember you’re hearing this from a gay person.”
“My best friend is gay. I can’t have you keeping a great part of your life secret, now can I?” John asked.
“Be careful, John Bateman. I could learn to love you so easily.”
“Maybe it’s this place. But, Alan, I wouldn’t want you to unless I could return that love. I’m not ready and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I hope that doesn’t make you want to give up on me, does it?”
“No,” Alan said with a smile. “The thought never entered my mind.”