Second Chances

Chapter 4

Alex rose early Thursday morning after another internal pep talk with himself the evening prior. Once again, he resolved to plow ‘full speed ahead’ into his new reality. He’d been planning on staying in Columbus another night, but he concluded he wanted to get back earlier on Friday. He decided to take about two and a half hours off Friday’s drive, and overnight in Indianapolis. ‘Plus, I gain an hour going west when I cross from Indiana to Illinois,’ he reasoned. Lying in bed the previous night, he’d made his decision. ‘I need to be home early so I’m ready to go out Friday night.’

Despite his self-pep talk, Alex remained down. He threw himself into his work Thursday, and in so doing, managed to drive the social disappointments of his week in Columbus to the far recesses of his mind, at least for a few hours. However, when he left the Tuttle Crossing area of Columbus a little before 4:00 pm, those same depressing thoughts returned in full force. The occasional rain shower that he drove through seemed to match his mood. The summary of the day’s news on All Things Considered also seemed to be drearier than usual.

The cities and farms of western Ohio seemed to pass by more slowly than normal, though traffic was no worse than usual. He crossed the border into Indiana around 5:30 pm. By the time he’d passed Richmond, the occasional shower had turned into steady rain. Though the sun would not set for more than an hour, the darkness brought on by the clouds and rain suggested otherwise. Alex watched as the temperature gradually fell. “I guess autumn is here to stay,” he said to no one in particular. As he started the trip north up the I-465 bypass around the east side of Indianapolis to his hotel, he decided to ring Rhys.

“Hey Rhys, it’s Alex.”

“Hi Alex, Jesse’s with me again.” Alex and Jesse exchanged greetings.

“So, Alex, how’s it going?” queried Rhys. Before answering, Alex sighed, followed by several seconds of silence. Rhys was just about to ask if Alex was still on the line when he heard Alex begin.

“I’m sorry, guys, but I need to vent yet again.” He then regaled his new friends with the story of his first venture into a gay bar, followed by the things that had been said to him that he found so hurtful. “Okay, I know I’m getting older. I just don’t feel my age. I’m sure you look at me and think, ‘man, that guy’s old.’ Or at least middle-aged. You may find this stupid, but I sincerely feel like I’m thirty or so. I feel like I’m maybe only a year or two older than you are.”

Rhys interrupted Alex. “I hate to burst your bubble, Alex, but you couldn’t be thirty and be older than me. I’m thirty-one.”

In the background, Alex then heard Jesse add, “And I’m thirty-three!”

Alex responded, “Wow, guys, you don’t look as old as you are. I’m surprised that either one of you is over thirty.”

“Alex,” replied Jesse, “I was surprised at brunch when you said you were over fifty.”

Alex continued as if he hadn’t heard Jesse. “Guys, I see people my age, and as often as not, I think of them as old people. Well, at least, older than me. When I turned forty, a colleague tried to cheer me up by saying ‘Forty is the new thirty.’ When I turned fifty, I thought back on that comment. I tried to tell myself that ‘Fifty is the new thirty.’ I just don’t feel as old as I am! Then I realized that, if I live to one hundred, my life is more than half over. Let me tell you, that is a sobering thought.

“Do you know how many times I’ll be listening to music, and a song will come on, and I’ll see the year the song was recorded, and I’ll say out loud, ‘How can that song be X number of years old?’ This is something that happens to me probably daily, sometimes multiple times a day!

“My son’s friends from college…Cam always tells me that they think I’m great. Does he really mean that they think I’m great ‘for an old guy?’ I bet that they think, ‘What’s his problem? Can’t he get some friends his own age? How sad.’

“It's just that in some ways I feel more comfortable with people who are younger than me. Like, a lot younger. Maybe I was born twenty or thirty years too early. I think I’d fit in better with Millennials than with Gen-Xers. But then, there’s always something that snaps me back to reality, that says I am very different from them. Like, for example, video games. I never grew up with them. Cameron, of course, did. When I’d try to play Xbox with him, he’d sometimes laugh at me. I just couldn't get the hang of it! I think kids now are born already knowing how to use a video game controller.

“We got a new employee fresh out of school a couple of months ago. One day it dawned on me that I’d worked at my company longer than he’d been alive. That itself was a disturbing thought. And new hires always get partnered with long-time employees for mentoring. So, I’m out in the field with Evan, showing him what to do, explaining what to look for, telling him things that he needs to pay extra attention to, because they’re easy to miss, and so forth. But then Evan starts laughing at me, and tells me what an oldie I am. You know why? Because I was writing down notes in cursive. This kid didn’t even know how to read what I’d written!

“Then, I think of all my lived experiences, and how foreign they must be to Millennials and Gen-Z. I didn’t learn to ‘keyboard,’ I learned to ‘type.’ On a manual typewriter, no less! If my mother told me a phone number, she’d use the name of the exchange. Our home phone number was SPring 4-3677. Do you guys even understand that? And the things kids take for granted today. You know, I remember very clearly the first time a rode in a car with air conditioning. Air conditioning in cars…that was for rich people! I remember the first car that we got that had an FM radio in it! Growing up, we had five TV channels. Five! Cable wasn’t available in our area until I was in high school. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ramble, but I can go on and on…”

Rather than going on and on, however, Alex began to run out of steam, at least enough to finally let Jesse speak. “We get it, Alex, we get it…like I said before, you don’t look like you’re over fifty. Besides, it’s not stupid that you feel like you’re thirty. I actually think it’s pretty great.”

“Jeez, thanks, guys,” replied Alex. “I know I’ve heard people say I look just like I did twenty years ago. But then I think, ‘I was not this fat twenty years ago! And besides, look at my damn hair!’ I have a head full of gray hair.”

Jesse quickly chimed in. “You mean salt and pepper hair.”

“Yeah, okay, salt and pepper hair. Now don’t you dare say it makes me look distinguished. I’ve heard that one plenty. It makes me look old, not sexy.”

“You may not think it looks sexy,” commented Jesse, “but plenty of people do. It does make you look distinguished.”

“In your opinion, maybe, but not mine,” Alex responded.

“Come on, Alex,” prodded Rhys. “We are all getting older. You can’t stop time.”

“Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know. So, tell me, if you didn’t know me, and didn’t know my age…if you just saw me walking down the street, how old would you think I look? Honestly, now.”

“Alex, the truth? If it weren’t for the salt and pepper hair, I would definitely think you’d be around forty, maybe forty-five,” said Rhys.

Jesse added, “I agree with Rhys. And remember, some people get gray earlier than others. A guy I used to work with had a full head of gray hair by the time he was thirty. Besides, Alex, it doesn’t really matter how many years you’ve been on planet earth. If you feel young, you’re going to act young. And if you act young, people who know you will not define you by your age. I know you were worrying about fitting in with our little group. You may be the oldest there, but you fit in just fine. Please know and understand that.”

“And Alex, please know that Jesse and I are not friends with you because of how old you are or aren’t. We don’t care about your appearance. We’re friends with you because of you, not because we’re sorry for the old man or anything like that. I hope that didn’t come out wrong because I intended it to be a complement.”

By now, Alex had pulled into the Comfort Suites parking lot. He shifted his car from drive into park, then pushed the ignition button to ‘off.’ “Really? You really consider me a friend?”

“Umm, yeah. Why wouldn’t we?” Rhys asked in response.

“Well, considering I’m so much older than you.”

“Alex,” said Rhys, “we’ve been hanging out the past week after the Y. If we didn’t think of you as a friend, we wouldn’t invite you to hang out with us.”

Jesse added, “You’re going to be okay, right? You’re not going to cry on us now, are you?”

“Jeez, guys, I just might.”

“Hey, Alex, it’s going to be alright,” Rhys said, before asking, “Changing subjects…are you still planning on going to karaoke tomorrow night?”

“Yes,” replied Alex, “and before you ask, you damned right I’m singing tomorrow, too.”

Both Rhys and Jesse were surprised by Alex’s outburst. Rhys stammered, “Okay…what brought the sudden change of heart?”

“Because I’ve got something to say, and the best way I know how to say something is in song.”

-----

“Hi Rhys! Thanks for picking me up!” said Alex as he opened the passenger door and sat in the front seat. He began to buckle up as Rhys pulled away from the curb.

“You bet, Alex. It’s a small price to pay to get you to sing.”

“I am a little nervous I’m going to get stage fright.”

“Hey! No backing out now!”

Alex ignored the comment. A few seconds later, he said, “I’ve never been to a karaoke bar or anything before. I kind of thought that when it was karaoke, anybody who wanted could go up to the front and sing, probably picking a song from a set list of songs. I sure wasn’t expecting to have to register online to sing. I’m glad you guys clued me in about that, and that I needed to provide my own song.”

“Oh, yes, The Ranch’s karaoke nights are kind of a big deal. If nothing else, they’re highly organized.”

‘Great,’ thought Alex, ‘they’re a big deal. I’m most definitely starting to get nervous.’

Changing the subject to hopefully calm his nerves, Alex asked, “So, where’s your comrade?”

Rhys glanced over to Alex before turning his eyes back to the road. He slowed down as the traffic lights ahead changed from green to yellow. “Don’t worry, Jesse wouldn’t miss your debut for anything,” said Rhys, then quickly added, “Andrew asked Jesse to pick him up. Robbie’s underage, so he can’t get into the bar, at least legally. Andrew doesn’t normally come to karaoke night because Robbie can’t. He’s coming tonight because he wants to hear you sing, Alex. I guess Robbie was a little put out.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Alex. “Who all did you tell that I was going to be singing? The whole group isn’t coming just to hear me make a fool of myself, are they?”

“Jesse and I only told Andrew,” said Rhys. “Well, that’s the only person I told. I guess I can’t vouch for Jesse.”

Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head. To calm his nerves, Alex once again took the opportunity to change the subject. “I know you guys are always together. Are you and Jesse more than just friends?”

“Oh, heavens no. Jesse has made it clear on more than one occasion that he is not looking for a boyfriend,” replied Rhys.

“That’s right,” replied Alex. “I remember him telling me he wasn’t ‘into the dating scene.’ I think those were his words.”

“Yup,” Rhys said, then added, “I’m not sure what’s going on in that boy’s mind. He tends to clam up when the conversation turns to dating. I, too, am single, though in my case it’s not voluntary.”

Though Alex remained curious, Rhys moved on from the topic of Jesse. “So, you’re not a mean drunk, are you?”

Alex chuckled. “No, I’m not a mean drunk. Quite the opposite. Everyone’s my friend. I can pretty much guarantee I will have my arm around your shoulders by the end of the evening, along with everyone else in our group and quite possibly some folks I don’t even know. I generally think I’m pretty funny, too, although that is probably debatable at best. I also have occasionally gone on a rant when I’m drunk.”

“Rant? What about?”

“Well, I remember in college going on a tear about breasts one night. How I prefer small breasts because anything more than a handful is a waste, and I have small hands.” Rhys began to laugh. “I remember also going on about big breasts and gravity. You know, those big breasts look good now, but wait twenty years. Those tits are gonna be hanging down past the knees. Oh, yes, my rants are not necessarily politically correct.”

Rhys laughed even harder. “You? But you seem to be always going on about being politically correct!”

“I know,” replied Alex with a grin on his face. “I guess that rule doesn’t apply when I’m on a rant.”

Soon after, Rhys pulled into the parking lot of The Ranch. The bar had a large parking lot behind it; however, the parking lot was already rapidly filling. Rhys managed to snag a parking space in the second to last row of cars. Rhys and Alex got out of the car and walked to the bar’s front door, laughing, and jostling one another as if they were schoolkids. Rhys was relieved that their kidding had seemed to calm Alex’s mind, at least for the time being.

Alex looked around the bar when they entered. The place was rapidly filling, and karaoke was not set to begin for another forty-five minutes. He gulped. A kaleidoscope of butterflies suddenly set wing in the pit of his stomach. His nervousness had returned with a vengeance.

Rhys seemed to sense what Alex was feeling. “You’re not getting nervous now, are you? C’mon, I see Matt and Ian.” Alex followed Rhys through the warren of tables, waving when he spotted Matt.

“Oh God, you’re right down front!” said Alex, quickly adding, “I wasn’t expecting so many people. And there’s like a full stage and everything!”

Matt smiled. “Jesse told us that you were going to be singing tonight, too! Everyone’s looking forward to it.”

“He did? Great. Nothing like a little pressure. Rhys, go get me a beer. Please.”

Ian and Matt laughed. “Bossing your boy around, huh?”

“My boy?” responded Alex. “He knows, and now you will too, that I need to be at least moderately intoxicated to have enough gumption to get up on stage and sing in front of a crowd of people. So, feel free to buy me a beer, hint, hint.”

More laughter. Matt offered to get Ian a drink, and when he had wandered off, Ian turned back to Alex. “So, what are you singing tonight?”

“I’m not saying. I don’t think it’s a song you’d expect you’d hear in a gay bar, though. It’s not Respect, or I Will Survive, or I am Woman. No Judy Garland or Lady Gaga, either.”

“Those are stereotypes!” complained a chuckling Ian, before leaning in and commenting, “You’re right, though. Those are overdone.” Alex laughed, then accepted the beer that Rhys brought back for him. “Actually,” replied Alex, “I hadn’t decided to sing until a couple of days ago. I had kind of a rough week socially.” Alex then gave a brief synopsis of his week in Columbus to Ian, with Matt leaning in to hear when he returned from the bar.

Alex began to relax, until he looked toward the door. People continued to pour into The Ranch. Alex shuddered. Nerves were forgotten, at least briefly, when he saw Andrew and Jesse enter the bar, with Eli in tow. He raised his hand and waved to get their attention. Jesse returned the wave, then moved toward the table, while Andrew and Eli headed toward the bar.

Jesse greeted Alex with a fist bump. “So, are you ready?”

Alex replied, “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess. My name is on the roster. I checked, and they’ve got the song I’d emailed. I’ll look like an idiot if I back out now.” As he said the words, a few more butterflies fluttered in his stomach.

Alex’s turn to sing came close to the end of the evening. He’d watched some people sing quite well and a few who were cringeworthy. He was surprised when Matt got up to sing. Alex thought Matt was one of the singers who had done well. Alex had thrown his arm around Matt and planted a kiss on his right cheek when he returned to the table. It was obvious to all that Alex was most definitely a friendly drunk. Alex was working on his fifth, or maybe his sixth, bottle of beer when his turn was announced. Or possibly his seventh. Both Ian and Jesse gave him a pat of encouragement on the back as he rose and walked to the stage. Matt called out from across the table, “Break a leg, Alex! Whoo!” Matt had matched Alex bottle for bottle over the course of the evening. They’d both lost track of the number of bottles they’d drunk. Fortunately, Matt also had a designated driver.

Alex marched across the stage and stood behind the microphone. Looking around the audience, he said, “This is for all you haters and ageists out there. You know who you are.” The room had reached an edgy silence when he continued, "This is my own version of I May be Used (But Baby, I Ain’t Used Up) by Waylon Jennings.” He then looked toward the floor briefly before beginning a capella.

Alex looked back down towards the floor. The audience seemed confused. Alex looked back up and sang.

Alex again looked back at his feet. Andrew and Matt turned towards one another, exchanging nervous glances. A few people began to laugh. Alex looked back up, and again sang a capella.

Once again, a brief pause, though Alex did not look down at his feet. He then continued; the next line spoken forcefully rather than delivered musically.

Music began, softly at first, but was quickly building in volume within a few beats. During this time, Alex began tapping his foot in time to the music. He then began, grabbing the microphone stand as he did so.

Alex pulled the microphone from the stand and began to walk across the stage. A few people began to clap in time to the beat. Alex continued.

In a move that Michael Jackson would’ve recognized, Alex grabbed his crotch when he reached the words, ‘under your hood.’ Several in the audience reacted with laughter and a few inappropriate comments, though the comments were no more inappropriate than the crotch-grab which triggered them.

As the music of the song began to fade, Alex walked back to the center of the stage and returned the microphone to its stand. Most of the audience began to applaud politely, though two tables near the stage began to whoop and holler.

Alex’s friends watched in confusion as, rather than returning to his seat, he walked off the stage and straight out of the room. Ian leaned over and asked, “Where the hell is Alex going?”

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