Isaiah peered through the waiting room window at Kieran and thought he saw Kieran’s eyes flutter. “Dad, I think he’s awake!”
Walter went into Kieran’s cubicle and stood talking to him for a few minutes before returning. Back with his son, he said, “He’s awake, but very groggy. I tried to tell him that if anybody asked, he’s my adopted son. I’m not sure whether or not that registered.”
Later in the morning, after the doctor had examined Kieran, he entered the waiting room. “Well,” he said, “he made it through the night. He’s conscious now, but I suspect he’s not really aware of where he is. His temperature is down some and his breathing is a little better. We’ll know more in another 24 hours.”
“Like what?” Isaiah asked.
“It’s possible there’s been some brain damage. The high temperature he had was basically baking his brain. He could turn out to be fine, or he could turn out to have brain damage. Then it would be a question of what kind and how debilitating it is.” The doctor looked at Isaiah. “Hope and pray for the best. He’ll need the support of you both.” With that he left.
Every hour or so through the day, Walter went in and talked to Kieran, holding his hand for a few minutes. He said he had no idea whether Kieran heard him or understood him. He was just trying to let him know that he wasn’t alone.
In the afternoon, the doctor examined Kieran again before entering the waiting room. “Not much change,” he said. “We’ll see if he’s any better tomorrow. If he’s not, we may have to send him to Portland or Boston for treatment.”
When Isaiah awoke the next morning after a stressful night in the waiting room, he looked in at Kieran, whose head was turned toward the window. Kieran smiled and Isaiah’s heart nearly burst.
After the doctor examined Kieran, he told Walter and Isaiah that his patient was doing better. He was fully conscious. He had asked to see Isaiah but had been told about the rules of the ICU. “Perhaps, if he continues to improve, we can move him to a regular room and then you can see him, but he will need to undergo some tests to see if there was any brain damage.”
It was another long day and night. Kieran and Isaiah smiled at each other often, and Kieran was even able to wave his hand a little. He could also talk with Walter, who reviewed what Kieran needed to know about his “adoption.”
In the afternoon, when Walter returned to the waiting room, he said, “Kieran sends ya his love.”
Isaiah blew a silent kiss to Kieran, who pursed his lips and made a kissing gesture.
Finally, the following morning, the doctor said that Kieran could be moved to a regular room. It took some time for the transfer to actually take place, but a little before noon, he received his two visitors in his private room. The doctor had cautioned them not to try to get too close to Kieran, since his resistance was still way down, so the two boys had to be satisfied with talking and laughing with each other. Isaiah filled in Kieran on how he had found him, how he and his dad had pulled Kieran on the sled and then driven him to Fort Kent. Over and over he told Kieran how scared he had been and how relieved he was that he was going to be okay.
At one point a doctor came into the room and said he needed to do some tests on Kieran, so Walter and Isaiah left and went to the cafeteria for a while. When they returned, Kieran said the doctor had told him there was no sign of any brain damage. Isaiah wanted to hug him right then, but he remembered being told about his friend’s low resistance, so he just smiled and did a little dance. Kieran laughed at the dance and soon the two of them were laughing like old times.
Walter and Isaiah returned to the cabin that night, although Isaiah was reluctant to do so. They had their supper and Isaiah did the dishes. By the time he finished he realized how tired he was, so he went to bed early and was asleep almost immediately.
Walter wanted Isaiah to return to school, saying that he had missed enough. So Isaiah reluctantly returned to the bus.
Phillip greeted him with a smile. “Where were you? I was worried that you were sick.”
Isaiah only said that he had been on some, “Family business.”
“What kind of business?”
“I can’t talk about it right now.”
In the lunch room, there were more questions, which he answered the same way.
“It’s no use,” Phillip said to the others. “It’s some big secret he won’t talk about.”
In the afternoon, his dad picked him up from school and took him to the Medical Center to see Kieran. After they had been in Kieran’s room for a bit, a Candy Striper came in to ask if Kieran wanted anything. Isaiah looked at the Candy Striper and froze. It was Catherine. She asked, “Why are you here?”
“Well,” Isaiah answered hesitantly, “Kieran is…my brother.”
“Is this the big secret you wouldn’t tell in the lunch room?”
He blushed and said, “Yeah.”
“Why is it a secret?’
“Because he doesn’t go to school.”
“I home school him,” Walter put in.
“Oh.”
Isaiah was afraid she was going to ask more questions, but she didn’t. She just asked if Kieran wanted a book or anything, and when he told her no, she left.
“I didn’t know ya knew her,” said Kieran. She’s pretty cute, don’t ya think?”
Surprised, Isaiah realized how Catherine had changed before his eyes without him noticing. No longer the skinny girl with braces, he really “saw” her for the first time in two years and appreciated that she had acquired curves and her face had kept up with the rest of her, becoming freshly attractive. The braces were gone and her freckles had blended in more with her complexion. He had to agree that Kieran was right. But then he blurted, “Damn! This is gonna be all over the school by tomorrow,”
“So why can’t I be your brother? Are ashamed or somethin’?” Kieran asked.
“No. Of course not. I just didn’t want to deal with all the questions.”
The week passed slowly, and Isaiah did not have to field as many questions as he feared. By the end of the second week, Kieran was ready to be released from the hospital, although he had to continue to be on antibiotics. The doctor gave Walter and Isaiah strict instructions that Kieran was not to go outside for any length of time for at least a month and certainly not to sleep outside for a long time. Kieran looked rather sad about that, but Walter told him they would work it out. The doctor also told them that Kieran would need help walking a little each day and gaining his strength back.
On the way back to the cabin, with all three in the cab, Walter said to Kieran, “I built a bed fer ya and got a mattress so the two of ya can sleep in the same room. “You’ll find it a bit crowded,” he chuckled, “but I guess ya can work that out.”
Kieran was still quite weak, so Walter and Isaiah supported him going into the cabin and to his bed. Walter told him, “Fer a few days anyway, you’ll need help gettin’ t’ the bathroom.”
In the bedroom, Kieran lay on his back breathing hard from the exertion of walking. Later, he said, “I think I need to pee.” So Isaiah helped him to the bathroom. Kieran had nearly forgotten about flush toilets and laughed as he watched his urine swirl down the drain.
At supper time, Isaiah fixed a tray for the two of them and took it in to Kieran. Walter had made some toast and scrambled some eggs for them. Although Isaiah cleaned his plate, Kieran had really not yet recovered his appetite and only finished about half of what he had been given. Just as he had forgotten about flush toilets, Kieran had also forgotten about milk and enjoyed it so much he drank three glasses.
That night, when both boys were in bed, they talked quietly with each other. Isaiah so wanted to touch Kieran and massage him, but he held back for the time being.
In the night, Kieran was awakened by screaming coming from Walter’s room. He shook Isaiah, waking him, and asked him what was going on.
“Walter has PTSD,” answered Isaiah. “Sometimes he has terrible nightmares.”
“What’s PTSD?” Kieran asked, so Isaiah tried to explain it as well as he could.
“D’ ya ever wake him up?” Kieran asked.
“Not anymore. I did once and he was really embarrassed and angry so I haven’t done it since.”
Isaiah and Kieran listened as the sounds from the other room slowly died away.
In the morning, they said nothing about it to Walter. After breakfast, Walter warmed up the truck and helped Kieran into the warm cab so they could take Isaiah to the bus. On the way back after dropping off Isaiah, Kieran asked, “Am I gonna have t’ go t’ school?”
“D’ ya wanna?”
“No. I don’t like t’ be shut up indoors and I’m sure all the kids my age are way ahead of me.”
“Well, yes and no,” said Walter. “Ya know a great deal that they don’t. Sure it’s not book-learnin’, but it’s knowledge and someday you’ll need to think about what t’ do with it.”
“Couldn’t I just live in the woods like I’ve been doing?”
“I dunno. In the first place, ya now know how dangerous that can be, and I’m sure that word has begun to get around that ya lived in the woods. Well, the woods are mostly government land, and livin’ in them and huntin’ and fishin’ without permits is illegal. Y’ve gotten away with it ‘cause nobody knew ya were there.” Walter smiled as he said that. “Well, actually, I’ve known for years that someone was there, but up ‘til now ya seemed t’ be okay so who was I t’ give yer secret away?”
“Thank you,” said Kieran quietly. “I didn’t know that what I was doin’
was illegal.”
“I know. And ya never did any harm. But now we have t’ think about the future. Ya said ya don’t like t’ be confined indoors. Does that mean ya find being in the bedroom with your new brother uncomfortable?”
“I guess not, as long as he’s there. I don’t think I’d like t’ be alone in there though.”
Walter nodded. “So yer okay for now and we’ll just play it by ear.”
Kieran spent most of the rest of the day resting on his bed except when Walter got him up and had him walk a little to strengthen his legs. In the afternoon they drove to Allagash to pick up Isaiah from the school bus stop.
When he got into the truck with Kieran and his father, Isaiah said, “Some of the kids who were at the bus stop when we arrived this morning saw Kieran and wondered who he was. I said he was my adopted brother, but I’m not sure they bought it. They asked why he wasn’t in school and I told them he was being home schooled. I don’t think that excuse ‘ll work for very long.”
Whatever happened, Walter was determined to keep Kieran with him. He knew he could consult a lawyer but he would hold off until that became necessary.
That night, when they went to bed, Isaiah asked Kieran if he could kiss him. Kieran thought for a moment and then agreed. He knew this was coming, and he knew his brother would want to do other things as well. He was worried, because he’d had time to think about what they had done and he wasn’t sure that he really wanted to continue.
But for that night, the boys just kissed and slept in their own beds.
In the morning, Walter asked Kieran if he would be okay staying alone while he drove Isaiah to the bus. Kieran agreed that he would, so Walter drove his son to Allagash to get the bus.
He returned to the cabin and found Kieran sitting in a chair reading a natural history book. He asked Kieran to read some to him. Knowing that the boy had had no instruction since he was 10, Walter was amazed at how well he read.
When it came time to go to the bus stop in the afternoon, Kieran asked if he could stay at the cabin, explaining that he didn’t want his brother’s classmates to ask more questions.
After supper, Isaiah sat outside on the porch. Kieran asked, “Have ya ever suggested to Walter that he should get help fer that PTSD?”
“No, I don’t wanna embarrass him again.”
“But maybe if he got help he’d feel better.”
“Well, you ask him then.”
Again, when the boys went to bed, they kissed goodnight. Isaiah really wanted to do more, but he didn’t push it because he believed Kieran wasn’t really strong yet.
Kieran knew exactly what Isaiah wanted, and he was still trying to figure out how to handle the situation.
In the morning, after Walter had delivered Isaiah to the bus and returned, Kieran asked, “Have ya ever thought ‘bout gettin’ help fer yer PTSD?”
Walter frowned at him and asked, “Did he tell ya’ ‘bout that?”
“Ya, the other night when ya were havin’ a nightmare.”
“Well, it’s none o’ yer business, and I’ll thank ya t’ not mention it again.”
“So ya don’t want help. Ya’ just wanna go on sufferin’ with it.”
“There is no help.”
“How d’ya know? There must be thousands of ex-soldiers out there sufferin’ with it. I bet someone could help ya if ya gave ‘em a chance.”
“Will you shut up!” Walter stormed out of the room.
That evening, Kieran told Isaiah what had happened. He added, “We gotta keep after him t’ get some help.” Isaiah agreed to try.
But three nights later, something happened that put PTSD out of both their minds. Kieran decided he had to confide his thoughts on another subject to Isaiah. So when they were in bed that night, Kieran whispered, haltingly, “Hey, what are men who love other men called?”
“Homosexuals, ‘though there are a lot of other names. Some, like ‘faggot,’ and ‘pansy,’ and ‘queer’ are really putdowns and I hate them. I think ‘gay’ is probably the best word.”
“And are ya gay?”
“Sure. Couldn’t you tell?”
“So here’s my problem. I don’t think I am, but I think ya want me t’ be.”
There was a long silence from the other bed. Then Isaiah whispered, “If you’re not gay, then why did you wanna do all the things we did?”
“Well, I think now it was because I was lonely and what we did felt good and there was no one around. I thought of it as experimentin’.”
“Yeah, we were both experimenting. But Kieran, I…I love you.”
Now it was time for Kieran to be silent. Finally he said, “Yeah, and I love you, but as a brother and a wonderful, caring friend, but not as a…What’s the word I want?”
“Lover?”
“Yeah, not as a lover.” He could tell that by now Isaiah was crying, and he was too. He knew this was very hard on them both.
At length Isaiah whispered, “How do you know you’re not gay? Have you even seen girls?”
“After I ran away, not until I was in the hospital. Then I met yer friend Catherine. Sometimes she read t’ me; sometimes she just did little things like get me water. But, I have t’ admit, I’ve got some pretty strong feelin’s fer her. She’s sweet and she’s pretty. It got so that every time she came into the room I’d get hard. Of course, she didn’t know that, but I did. And I’d lie there at night, wonderin’ what it’d be like t’make love t’ her. Now I don’t know what t’ do.”
Isaiah was silent. He had no idea what to say. Suddenly, all his plans, all his hopes were dashed. He simply lay in bed, tears pouring down his face.
Kieran said, “I’m so sorry. I think I’ve hurt ya when I never wanted to, but I didn’t know what t’ do.”
“Oh, you’ve done plenty!” came the angry whisper from the other bed. “You led me along and made me believe that you loved me as much as I loved you! You actually started some of the things we did together! And to you it was nothing more than a fucking experiment? I hate you! I want you to leave! Now! Just get out!”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry! If I could, I’d leave, but ya know I promised Walter I wouldn’t. Like I said, I don’t know what t’ do.”
“I don’t know what you’re gonna do, and I don’t give a damn! I’m going into the living room.” And with that, Isaiah pulled the blankets off his bed, took his pillow, and left. He cried to himself on the couch until he was exhausted and fell into a troubled sleep.
In the morning, when Walter got up, he found his son asleep on the couch. When he asked him what had happened, Isaiah said he didn’t want to talk about it.
Breakfast was a silent meal. The two boys didn’t look up from their plates and avoided each other completely. Neither one ate very much, although they drank all the available coffee. When Walter said he was going to take his son to the bus and he wanted Kieran to go with him, Isaiah said he’d ride in the back of the truck. So off they went. Nobody said a word.
As Walter drove back to the cabin he just made idle comments to Kieran. Clearly, Kieran didn’t want to talk.
Back in the cabin, Walter said, “Now, talk.”
Kieran sat very still, looking down, saying nothing.
“Obviously, somethin’ happened between ya two last night. Tell me about it.”
Kieran continued to sit silently.
“How can I help ya boys if I don’t know what’s going on?”
“I don’t want help. I just wanna leave.”
“Why?”
“D’ ya really wanna know?”
“Yes.”
“Then ask yer son.”
“Won’t he just tell me t’ ask you?”
Kieran shrugged. “I don’t care.” But clearly, he did care. There were tears in his eyes and a few running down his cheeks.
Walter sat with Kieran saying nothing. When the boy stopped crying, Walter said, “Okay. This is what I’m gonna do. This afternoon, yer gonna ride t’ the bus stop t’ pick up yer brother, because I’m afraid if I didn’t keep ya with me, ya’d run off. When the three of us get back to the cabin, we’re gonna sit down in the livin’ room and we aren’t gonna leave, even t’ go t’ the bathroom or t’ eat, until I get some answers. So ya need t’ think, Kieran, about what’s goin’ on and what we can do t’ repair the damage. I’m not gonna live in the same cabin with two boys who are mad at each other.”
“You don’t have to. I wanna leave.”
“And where would ya go?”
“Back to the woods.”
“That could kill ya.”
“I don’t care.”
Banging on the table loudly enough so that Kieran jumped, Walter said, “Dammit! I do! I’m not gonna lose either one of ya! So ya get that through yer head!”
“Then I’ll run away.”
Walter sighed and said quietly, “One of the differences between bein’ a ten-year-old and a seventeen-year-old, is that ya should’ve learned that ya can’t run away from yer problems. Sure ya did it, and ya succeeded, but only fer a time. Yer problems aren’t gonna go away until ya do somethin’ about ‘em, and I wanna help ya do that.”
“Isn’t that what ya do with yer PTSD? Run away? Who are you t’ lecture me!?”
Walter grew very silent and they said nothing more to each other until it was time to go to the bus, when he said, “Come on, Kieran.”
“I’m gonna stay here.”
“I won’t let ya. You’ve threatened t’ run away and I don’t wanna let ya out of my sight fer right now. Come along.”
Reluctantly, Kieran got his jacket and climbed into the truck.