With a new driver’s license I didn’t dare drive over the speed limit even though Derek and Teddy urged me to hurry.
When we arrived at the Berlin hospital we were informed that Grandpa had been stabilized and sent on to the Dartmouth-Hitchcock hospital in Hanover, more than an hour away.
Following the directions I was given in Berlin, I drove as fast as was legal to Hanover. In the emergency room we were told that Grandpa was “being evaluated” and we wouldn’t be able to see him for a while, perhaps not even that day. Meanwhile, there were several forms that had to be filled out. I answered all the questions I could, but I realized I didn’t really know anything about what Grandpa’s health had been like, to say nothing of his parents and grandparents.
One of the questions that really bothered me was about health insurance. I had no idea if he had any. When I took the forms back to the desk I asked whether they would throw him out if he wasn’t insured, but the nurse assured me that they never threw anybody out.
After that we went to the hospital cafeteria and to get something to drink with our sandwiches, although none of us was hungry. When they saw me getting coffee my brothers wanted some too. Through the afternoon it was the coffee that kept us going. Unfortunately it made Teddy really hyper, and he was naturally hyper even without it. All afternoon, question after question poured from his mouth as he tried to climb all over me. Most of them I couldn’t answer. I knew it was anxiety as well as coffee that was winding him up so I tried to be really patient with him.
We returned to the waiting room outside the ER and watched some stupid programs on TV and waited… and waited… and waited.
Finally, a doctor emerged through the swinging doors, asked us if we were there for Grandpa and then took us into a small office where he motioned for us to sit down. I know my heart was beating a mile a minute and I later learned my brothers’ hearts were too.
“Boys,” the doctor began, “your grandfather has had a stroke. In his case that means that there was a blood clot in his brain that prevented blood from getting to a part of his brain. Look,” he said as he put some X-rays on a viewing light. He pointed to the area that was affected. In one way it was interesting but in another it was scary. “See that sort of blurry area there? That’s where the clot was. We were able to dissolve it but we won’t know for several days or more what the permanent effects of his stroke will be. Time is essential in stroke treatment and there’s no way of knowing when he actually had the stroke.”
“So how is he?” I asked.
“Well, for the moment he’s stabilized and resting comfortably. Right now, as you probably know, he can’t talk. He has some motion in his left arm but none in his legs or his right arm. He seems to be fully aware of what has happened and what’s going on. If he makes it through the night, we’ll run some more tests tomorrow.”
“What do you mean, ‘If he makes it through the night?’ Is there a chance he won’t?” I asked.
“Strokes are tricky things. We dissolved the clot with blood thinners, but it’s possible he could have another or he could start bleeding in his brain. We just don’t know.”
“Can we see him?”
“Not today. He’s very tired and weak and he needs to rest. If all goes well you might be able to see him tomorrow.”
I asked the boys if they had any questions. Teddy asked, “Is he gonna live?”
“We certainly hope so,” the doctor replied.
“If he does, will he be able to come home?” Derek asked.
“That will depend a great deal on how he comes along in the next few days and weeks. It will also depend on what kind of help he might have at home.”
“I’ll stay home from school and take care of him,” I said.
“People here in the hospital will talk with you about all of that when we see what he can do and not do. Meanwhile, I know it’s hard, but you’ll just have to wait.”
I asked if we should stay or go home.
“There’s no point in you staying here. You’d just be sitting here getting more and more upset. We have your phone number and if his condition changes, we’ll call you.”
We thanked the doctor and left.
We rode home in almost total silence, all of us lost in thought. Even Teddy didn’t say anything.
It was late afternoon when we got home, so the boys did the chores, including mine, while I began to get some supper.
As we finished supper, the phone rang. Oh shit, I thought, he’s died. Teddy raced to the phone, answered and said, “He’s right here,” holding the phone out to me.
“Hello?” I said, fearfully.
“Hey, Greg, it’s Josh. Where were you today?”
“Thank God!” I blurted. “I was afraid you were the hospital.”
“Why the hospital?”
So I told Josh what had happened. I think he was as upset as we were.
“I’m coming over,” he said and hung up before I could say anything.
We were just finishing the dishes when Josh came into the kitchen. He came over and gave me a big hug then hugged the others.
“So tell me everything the doctor said,” he demanded. Among us we told him while he asked a lot of questions. When we had finished, he said, “I’m staying here tonight and I’m going to the hospital with you tomorrow.”
“There isn’t room in the truck for you, Josh,” I said.
“I have Mom’s car and she said I could take it to the hospital and back.”
“Shouldn’t you go to school?”
“I don’t care about school right at the minute; I just care about you guys and Grandpa.”
I decided I’d sleep in Grandpa’s room where I could hear the phone if it rang, so Josh and I changed the sheets and then I told the boys it was time for bed. They decided they wanted to sleep together in one bed, so they both crawled into the lower bunk, with Teddy’s bear between them. I was exhausted, so after the boys were settled, Josh and I climbed into bed where we hugged each other and talked quietly. Neither one of us was interested in sex; we just wanted to comfort each other.
The alarm went off at five. Josh and I got up, washed, and dressed. I began breakfast while Josh went up to wake the boys, who, he later said, were still cuddled together.
After chores and breakfast, we climbed into Josh’s car for the ride to the hospital.
When we arrived we didn’t really know where to go so I went to the main desk where a lady looked up Grandpa’s name. She said he was in the ICU, which was on the second floor.
Outside the ICU we saw a sign that said, “ICU Waiting Room.” The boys went into the waiting room while I went to the desk there and asked about Grandpa. The lady told me that Grandpa could only have two visitors at a time and then only for ten minutes. Then an hour had to pass before he could have another visitor. I told the boys what she had said and Josh and Teddy agreed that Derek and I should be the first ones to go in.
Grandpa was lying in a bed with all sorts of tubes attached to his arms. There was a tube that went up to his nose. There was another tube that came out from under the sheets and went into a container hanging from his bed. It had some yellow liquid in it. Pee, I thought. There was a machine with little jagged green lines going across. It was making a beep-beep-beep sound. At first it was really scary. I mean, all those machines and tubes and Grandpa just not looking like Grandpa at all. He was very pale and he seemed to have aged years overnight. I felt Derek’s hand find its way into mine.
We walked over to the bed and I realized I didn’t know what to do. He looked up and smiled a crooked smile out of only the left side of his mouth. I said, “Hi, Grandpa, how are you feeling?”
What a stupid question, I thought. He can’t talk. So I told him that Teddy and Josh were there too, that we were praying for him, and then I said, “You do just what the doctor says so you can get better and come home.” At that his eyes teared up.
I asked Derek if there was anything he wanted to say. He moved close to the bed, took Grandpa’s hand in his and said, “I love you, Grandpa.” A tear rolled down Grandpa’s cheek. Derek still didn’t cry but I did.
I realized that, even though we all loved Grandpa, we had never said it. “I love you too,” I said. “You rest now.” We went quietly out to the ICU waiting room. I tried to tell Josh and Teddy what it was like and then I went out to the desk.
“Ma’am,” I asked, “Is there an age limit on who can go into the ICU?”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I forgot to tell you that nobody under twelve can go in.”
“You mean Teddy’s come all this way and can’t even see his grandfather?”
“I’m afraid those are the rules.”
“Is there anybody who could change them?”
“I suppose the doctor could.” I knew right then I’d ask the doctor about it. I didn’t tell her that Derek wasn’t twelve yet, and I didn’t plan to.
When I got back to the waiting room I gave Teddy the bad news. He cried. “I’ll be really good,” he sobbed. “I won’t upset him or anything. I won’t make a sound.”
I knelt down and pulled him close, feeling his sobs in my chest. “I know Teddy, and I’ll try to get the doctor to override the rule, but until then you just can’t go in. I’m so sorry.”
We visited off and on until late afternoon when the doctor came by. Again he took us into an office where I introduced Josh. The doctor told us that there had been no more “episodes,” by which I guess he meant that there had been no more clots. He said that all of Grandpa’s “vital signs” were good, whatever they were. Then he told us that if Grandpa continued to be stable for a while longer they would move him into a private room where he would get all the care he needed. They would also start doing some physical therapy to see what they could get working again.
I asked the doctor if Teddy could go in if I went with him. He looked at Teddy’s pleading eyes and said, “OK. I’ll notify the desk. Have you been here all day, Teddy?” Teddy nodded. “Pretty boring, isn’t it?” Teddy nodded again. “Well, we’ll try very hard to get your Grandpa better so he can go home again. OK?” Teddy nodded for the third time.
Teddy had heard us talk about what we had seen in the room but I thought it might still be scary for him, so I took his hand and we went in.
“I brought you one more visitor, Grandpa,” I said, hoisting Teddy up so that Grandpa could see him. Again Grandpa gave his half smile and again tears came to his eyes.
“We’re gonna go home in a few minutes because we’ve gotta do the chores, but we’ll come back tomorrow.” Squeezing Teddy a little I asked, “Is there anything you want to say, Teddy?”
Tears were silently pouring out if his eyes, but he managed to say, “I l…l…love you, Grandpa,” ending it with a little hiccup at which Grandpa seemed to smile again. Teddy and I kissed him on the forehead and then we left.
On the drive back to the farm we talked about plans for the next few days. The next day was Saturday so there would be no problem going to the hospital. When I said we should all go to church on Sunday Derek and Teddy said no, they wanted to go right to the hospital, but I told them that Grandpa would want us to go and besides it would be a good time to pray for him, so they gave in.
With Grandpa gone, Charlie seemed to have adopted Teddy and went everywhere with him, and from that night on he slept right beside the bunks.
After dinner that night, when I took the boys up to bed, they asked if they could say a prayer for Grandpa. “Of course,” I said.
They knelt side by side and folded their hands on the bed. Teddy reached down and put Charlie’s forepaws on the bed, saying, “You pray too, Charlie.”
Derek said quietly, “God, please make Grandpa well again. We love him and we miss him and we need him.”
Teddy chimed in, “If you help him get better we’ll be really, really good and we’ll do all the chores without complaining.” I half-expected Charlie to woof but that didn’t happen.
They climbed into bed — together with the bear — and I kissed them good night before going down to the kitchen, where I told Josh what had happened. “I have no idea where they got the idea to kneel beside the bed,” I said. “We’ve never prayed that way.” Then I told him about Teddy trying to strike a bargain with God.
“You need to explain to Teddy that that’s not the way prayer works. If he goes on believing that and Grandpa doesn’t get better, he’ll never believe in God again.”
I agreed. Since both of us were exhausted we got ready for bed and climbed in, where we again cuddled warmly and talked quietly until we fell asleep.
In the morning when I woke up, Josh was not in the bed. I put my shorts on hastily and went into the kitchen where he was at the stove and the boys were at the table eating.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked Josh, probably sounding a little put out.
“I thought you needed to sleep. It’s Saturday and there’s no rush, so I got the boys up and they did the chores while I fixed breakfast. Now get dressed, sit down, and have some breakfast.”
When I sat he put a plate heaped with scrambled eggs, bacon, and hash browns in front of me, then sat beside me as I ate. He was silent for a minute and then he said, “Greg, you don’t have to be in charge all the time. You don’t have to take all the responsibility on yourself. Let me help.”
I thought for a moment then reached over, pulled his head gently to me, kissed him and said quietly, “Thanks, Josh. I guess I need all the help I can get.”
Derek and Teddy were watching intently. Josh and I had been very careful, and they had never seen us kiss before. I looked at them and said, “OK, before you get all bent out of shape, Josh and I love each other. I’d rather you didn’t go blabbing that all over school right now, but we do. We care a lot about each other and we want to be together always.”
Derek asked with a grin, “Do you guys do other things besides kissing?”
“Derek, what we do in private is our business and nobody else’s, even yours. OK?”
He nodded as Teddy chirped, “OK.”
Saturday and Sunday went as planned. We went to the hospital and stayed all day Saturday, then went to church on Sunday morning before going to the hospital. When I told people at church what had happened, they were very sympathetic and many offered to help any way they could. I was really grateful for their support. It felt good to know we had a community of friends.
After church we set off for another day at the hospital.