Mr. Phillips called on us one day to tell me that a large dairy farm was looking to buy more land. They wanted to expand their operation as they had kids coming into the farm business, so they were offering to buy neighboring farms, “For an apple and an egg.”
“An apple and an egg?” I asked.
“Yep. That’s an old saying,” he replied. “And just to give you a heads up in case they contact you, my wife and I are selling our farm. We’re getting along in years and we’ve nobody to leave the farm to.”
That evening I told the boys what Mr. Phillips had said. “You wouldn’t sell it, would you?” asked Derek.
“I wanna keep it,” Teddy chimed in.
“Besides,” added Derek, “what would happen to our little cemetery out back?”
I hadn’t thought about that. What would happen to it? I said I really didn’t know and then continued, “OK, boys, look. In the first place I wouldn’t sell it unless you agreed. It’s part of our trust so it’s owned by the three of us. But I do think we should consider it. We’re not going to get much in the way of crops this year and that’s gonna cost us a lot of money. I think we have it, but we need to decide if it’s really the best use for our money. I’ve talked to the lawyer and he thinks we should sell, but he says it’s up to us and he’ll support our decision either way. I don’t really think we should make a decision right now but we should think about it and talk more about it.”
When the fields finally dried it was nearly the end of August. The hay had little feed value; it was like straw, but we cut it, baled it, and stored it to use for bedding. At that we only had the one cut and it didn’t give us enough to get through the winter. Hopefully we could find some good hay and have it trucked in. It was too late to re-plant the garden. We had hilled the potatoes so the water could drain away from the plants, hopefully giving us a better chance at a crop. We just had to wait.
Two days later a representative from the dairy farm arrived at our door. As it happened, the sun was out and we were working feverishly in the fields, trying to salvage whatever we could.
I talked with the representative who made an offer without even asking to look the farm over. It was, as Mr. Phillips had said, very low, about a third of what the property had been worth a year ago. I told him we were thinking about it and had been in touch with our lawyer. He left me his card and asked me to get back to him when we decided.
Returning to the fields, I told the boys what we’d been offered. Both boys thought it was too low. I told them that if we decided to sell we could try to get him to raise the price. They were still set against selling and so was I but I did think we needed to be careful, that we shouldn’t decide to keep the farm just for sentimental reasons. What would happen if we had a series of years like this? We could survive one, and maybe even two, but we would be taking a big risk.
Despite my breakup with Josh, his father continued to visit at least once a week in his role as guardian of the two younger boys. We never talked about Josh. When I told him about the offer on the farm he said he’d do a little research on the offer.
That night when Josh called as he usually did, he told Derek we couldn’t possibly sell the farm. Derek said that we didn’t want to but we had to think about what was best for the three of us. He didn’t add that Josh had no stake in the ownership of the farm. Josh just pleaded that we not sell.
Two evenings later his father called back to say that the offer was indeed very low but the buyers did raise their offer to some farmers who were holding out. He suggested that we tell them no and see if they came back with a better offer.
I called the representative the next morning and told him we had decided not to sell. He immediately made another offer which was higher but still only half of what the property had been worth. I told him we’d think about it.
The boys returned to school. Derek was now a freshman in high school while Teddy was in the fifth grade. Despite the fact that we couldn’t work nearly as much as usual over the summer they had both grown. Derek was filling out well and, when called upon, he was able to do a man’s work. Teddy was still skinny but rapidly growing taller. Of course that meant new clothes for both of them. Another expense. They didn’t really need new work clothes because they could make do by cutting seams and often by wearing very little, but we did get them each three new outfits for school and church.
Church was a source of some pain for me because people kept asking where Josh was. I really didn’t want to tell them what had happened so I told them that we had decided to live apart for a while. I’m sure nobody was satisfied with that explanation but they didn’t press the question.
Privately, I knew that I still loved Josh and I missed him a lot. But I didn’t trust him and saw no way he could get back my trust. While I really had gotten past most of my anger, I wasn’t willing to risk being hurt again. Of course I missed him most at night surprisingly not for the sex but for the cuddling. I just missed being in his arms, being close. I tried to satisfy my needs the old fashioned way but was totally unsuccessful. I couldn’t even get an erection. A few times I had wet dreams and realized that each time I was dreaming about Josh. That only made me more miserable.
The only benefit I saw to Josh not being around was that Katie’s parents let her visit the farm for a Saturday. This was the first time I had really seen her and Derek together. Before she came I had made some rules. They had to stay in sight. I told Derek if he wanted to kiss her that was OK but he couldn’t go any farther. And I especially said they could not go in the barn or the loft. When I mentioned that Derek laughed. “Yeah,” he said. “We know what can go on there.” I smiled and gently cuffed the back of his head.
Teddy of course knew about Katie by this time and often teased Derek unmercifully. Derek was a good sport, telling Teddy to just wait until he had a girlfriend.
Derek was so excited the night before his date he could barely sleep and was up before I clanged the frying pan in the morning. Miracle of miracles, the sun was also up. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Maybe Katie’s coming was a good omen.
Derek asked if he’d have to work and I said yes. If you lived on a farm you put the farm before your personal life. I suggested that he call Katie and either postpone her visit or tell her to wear some old clothes. When he called her she was actually excited that she could help work on the farm.
Katie and her father drove up right after we finished the breakfast dishes. When they got out of the car, Derek introduced them to Teddy and Charlie. Then I invited her father into the house to see where we lived and Katie insisted on also having a tour. So we toured the house, the barn, and the summer kitchen before I announced it was time for us to get to work.
Katie’s father left, saying he’d pick her up at 5:00 o’clock, and the four of us walked to the garden to continue harvesting what we could. Teddy and Charlie led the way followed by Derek and Katie who were holding hands, while I brought up the rear. They were so cute together I almost cried. Derek was growing up so fast and I wondered what he would want to do when he finished high school.
As we worked the warm sun felt wonderful on our backs. Soon all three males were shirtless and Katie was wearing as little as she could get away with. She and Derek chattered away the whole morning. She asked questions about farming which Derek, proud of his knowledge, answered, although once in a while he had to ask me a question.
At lunch time we walked back to the house, this time Derek and Katie bringing up the rear, holding hands again I was sure. After lunch we worked until about 3:30 and then I suggested that Derek and Teddy take some time off and show Katie the swimming hole. None of them had bathing suits but they were all wearing shorts and Katie had a halter top so I figured there wouldn’t be any problems. I told Derek, who had a watch, that they needed to be back by 4:45. The three of them and Charlie went off very happily. I observed that Teddy was quite smitten with Katie but I also knew that he understood his place.
I continued to work for another hour before cleaning up. Just as I finished the three of them came racing back laughing and whooping.
Katie’s father arrived right on time. We gave the two love birds a few minutes to say goodbye and then he and Katie were off.
We did the chores together and then prepared supper. Derek and Teddy talked the entire time about Katie and what a good time they’d had both working and swimming. They both asked if she could return and I said, “Absolutely. Maybe next time we should invite her to stay for supper so she could experience your culinary skills.”
After Teddy had gone up to bed I asked Derek if he and Katie had kissed, reminding him that it was payback for the time I came back from a date at a church social and he had asked.
He blushed a little, smiled, and said, “Yeah. While we were saying goodbye. It was our first time you know.” I congratulated him and, beaming happily, he went off upstairs. We did manage to salvage some of the vegetables although not nearly enough to last us until the next harvest. Most of the potatoes and carrots, which didn’t like getting their feet wet, had rotted.
The days stayed sunny and warm. By the end of the following week we were able to begin harvesting our apples, which had done well in the rain. I warned the boys we would be eating a lot of applesauce in the coming winter.
“That’s fine,” said Teddy, “if we can also eat a lot of apple pie.” I assured him that we would.
After a lot of further discussion I called the dairy farm rep again and told him that we weren’t selling. He tried raising the price again but I finally said the farm wasn’t for sale at any price. He told me any time we changed our minds to let him know.
Later in the week, Josh’s parents returned. Again my brothers went upstairs leaving the three of us at the table with our coffee.
Josh’s dad began by saying, “Josh finally told us what happened. Neither his mother nor I blame you for being angry and hurt. What he did was immature and irresponsible. He’s full of regret and knows that, in his words, he ‘really blew it.’ As I said we don’t blame you for being angry, but isn’t there any way he could get a second chance?”
“It’s a question of trust,” I said, realizing that tears were forming in my eyes. I struggled for control for a moment before continuing. “I trusted him completely and he hurt me terribly. Now I don’t see how I could ever trust him again. I’m sorry,” I said. “You know, I still really love him. I miss him terribly. But if I can’t trust him, how can we have a relationship?”
“Don’t you think,” asked his mother, “that people can learn from their mistakes?”
“Yes, I do, and I hope we’ve both learned something. But that still doesn’t solve the trust problem.”
“What about forgiveness?” his father asked. “I know you never really forgave your father for what he did. Are you just unable to forgive Josh?”
“Even if I forgave him, which I haven’t, how could I trust him?”
We continued in this vein for some time without coming to any resolution. Finally they left. I sat in my chair, tears flowing down my cheeks. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I shouted. “Why in hell did he have to do that?” I had no answer.
Both boys had become much more sociable in the last year. Derek, of course, had Katie, but he also had a lot of friends at school now and he was on the board of the arts magazine. Teddy had several friends who lived either in Wemberly or Lancaster and he often spent time with them. Occasionally he brought a friend to the farm for an overnight stay. I enjoyed seeing him having fun with other boys his own age.
At home Derek continued to write nearly every evening. Again he pleaded with me to be able to work with Garrett. Again I said, “No.” I could see that he was growing increasingly frustrated and angry, but I decided we just had to tough it out.
In the evenings which were dry, as most of them now were, Teddy practiced his soccer skills. We built a regulation-sized goal for him, and Derek or I sometimes challenged him with various moves and kicks. Of course, I was no soccer player, but often when his friends came over they all played together, for by now he had groups of friends coming. I told him he couldn’t have more than three at a time for a sleepover so he rotated them. Derek and I both enjoyed his friends a lot. They were fun and polite and they always helped out with anything that needed to be done.
Josh continued to call, not every night, but most nights. On the phone Derek kept him up to date about what was happening. I knew the calls were bittersweet for Derek. Teddy also talked to him on the phone. Repeatedly the boys asked if they could visit him. I finally agreed as long as I didn’t have to meet him or see him.
After church one Sunday I drove them to Lancaster and dropped them off near Josh’s home before returning to the farm for a lonely dinner and afternoon. I spent some time working on my college courses but then just sat and drank cider.
Who the heck am I punishing? I wondered. I just couldn’t get beyond the question of trust, and I knew that I never wanted to be hurt like that again. If Josh were to come back, every time he went out I’d wonder where he was, who he was with, and what they were doing. I didn’t think I could live that way. But I was also beginning to realize that I couldn’t live happily without him.
As promised, Josh dropped the boys off at the end of our driveway in time for them to do their chores. During supper they talked about the fun they had had and what a good dinner Josh’s mother had made.
What to do? What to do? I saw no way out of my quandary.