Of course Derek’s love life complicated the situation at the farm, because anytime he wanted to see Katie one of us had to transport him. Fortunately for him there was nothing much we could do in the fields so we had a lot of time to kill.
I drove over to the Phillips’ farm one day and asked if there was anything I could do about the crops.
“Nope,” was Mr. Phillips’ laconic reply. “Ya just gotta ride it out.”
“But then where do we get hay for the cows and food for ourselves?”
“Ya gotta buy it. Got any money?”
“Well, yes, we have our trust fund, but that’s supposed to go towards college.”
“Food has gotta come before college. Plenty o’ folks don’t go to college and get along just fine, but I don’t know many who don’t eat and get along very well.”
I returned home and called our lawyer. He suggested I get some figures together for the hay and for what we’d need for food. When I did some research online I discovered that the price of hay had shot up dramatically. It would cost us a lot more to feed the cows through the winter than I had thought.
I wondered if maybe the thing to do was to sell the cows and buy some more when the crops got better. The four of us sat around the kitchen table after dinner one night discussing the question.
“Well,” said Josh, “we still have enough hay for now. We don’t need to do anything hasty. Let’s try to explore other options.”
One day when Derek wanted to go see Katie, Josh said he would take him to town but I would have to pick him up because he was going to spend a couple of days with his parents.
I picked up Derek that afternoon, stopping long enough to chat with Katie’s parents. They seemed to be warming up to me and I hoped that soon Katie would be able to visit the farm for a day.
Over the next two weeks Josh stayed the night in Lancaster three times. He did mention that he had seen Garrett but it appeared that they had simply met in passing.
The fourth time he went he said he’d be back the next morning. When he didn’t return I called his home but his mother said she didn’t know where he was.
Josh arrived just as we were sitting down to supper. When I asked him where he’d been he replied, “Well, yesterday, since it was raining, I went over to Garrett’s garret for a while.”
“Oh? What did you do over there?”
“We ate and talked and we just fooled around some.”
I was pretty sure he wasn’t telling me the whole story. “What do you mean ‘fooled around’?” I asked.
Josh leaned silently against the sink. Finally he asked, “Can we talk alone?”
I looked at Derek and Teddy, told them to take their plates and the chess set upstairs and not come down until I called them. Nodding to each other and shrugging their shoulders they left.
Charlie, who could sense something was wrong, looked from me to the retreating boys. “You too, Charlie,” I ordered and he fled up the stairs.
“Now, just exactly what did you do?”
“Well… like I said… we just… fooled around.”
Suddenly a light went off in my brain. A terrible, blinding light. But I wasn’t going to help him. “And what does that mean?”
“Oh, damn!” he exclaimed. “OK. I saw Garrett in town and he invited me to his place for dinner. So I went. When I got there he poured me a glass of wine, red wine, I think it was cabernet. Anyway, when we went to the table he got talking about some of his former partners and what he had experienced. I kept sipping wine and he kept topping off my glass.”
He paused. “Go on,” I said quietly.
“I have no idea how much wine I drank, but at the end of the meal I got up to leave and the room was spinning a little. For a minute I thought maybe I was gonna throw up. Garrett came over and steadied me, suggesting that I should lie down for a few minutes and steering me towards his bed. I said, ‘I think I need to go home,’ but he just kept guiding me towards his bed. Finally I gave in and lay down.”
“Go on.”
“He got some ice in a towel and told me to roll over while he put the ice on the back of my neck. I just lay there. I swear I didn’t do anything.”
“Go on.”
“He began to rub my back, just gently. After a while he removed the ice and told me to roll over on my back again. He pulled off my T-shirt and began to rub my chest. Even though I was drunk I knew what he was doing and I half-heartedly tried to get him to stop but he just kept going. Part of me wanted him to stop, Greg, but the other half didn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself growing hard. I just couldn’t help it, Greg. I couldn’t help it.” By then tears were in his eyes. “Garrett leaned over and kissed me and began tonguing me. Then he undid my belt and pulled down my trousers and my underpants. Very quietly he said, ‘I’m a bottom. Is that OK with you?’ I guess I nodded because he got some cream and began creaming my cock. Finally he knelt on all fours and said, ‘C’mon. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?’ So I moved around, got behind him, and… and… fucked him!” He blurted out. “After I’d come and withdrawn he lay on his back and told me to suck his cock. I did until he came. All the time I was thinking, why are we doing this? Why am I doing this? I’m not even enjoying it.
“When we finished he got a towel and cleaned us off while I just lay there. Then he said, ‘That was great, but I think you’d better stay here tonight. You’re in no condition to go home.’ So I stayed, but we didn’t do anything more.
“In the morning when I awoke it was late and Garrett was gone. Somehow I dressed, wobbled down the stairs to the parking lot, and then walked to the park to try to think what to do. I sat there all day until finally I decided I had to come here and tell you what happened.”
“So are you trying to tell me that you fucked him but it wasn’t your fault?”
“No, Greg. It was my fault as well as Garrett’s. It was my fault that I got drunk. I’ve never, ever been even a little drunk before. I was drunk but I could have tried to stop it, and it was my fault that I did what he told me to. It was weird. It was like being with an older guy who had a lot of experience and just led me on. I felt like I had no control over what was happening. I’m so sorry, Greg.”
“Shit, Josh! How could you?” By then I was standing in front of him pounding on his chest with my fists and yelling.
He grabbed my wrists and said, “Greg, I get that you’re angry right now, but it was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.”
By then I was in tears. “What!? What do you mean it didn’t mean anything? Of course it meant something. You can’t just separate sex from love especially once you’ve experienced the love.”
“Sure you can. Sex isn’t always about love. When we first had sex did you love me? Did I love you? No, we just enjoyed the sensations. I don’t love Garrett. I never could. The only one I love is you, and when we do things together it means something completely different.”
“So you fucked him but you’re telling me it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yes.”
“What about the promises we made when we exchanged rings?”
“I know, and I’m just so sorry.”
“Is this what you’ve been doing in town every time you stayed over?”
“No. This was the only time, I swear it.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true. I wouldn’t lie to you, Greg.”
“No, you’d just run around behind my back and betray me.” I sank into a chair, sobbing. “I just don’t know what to say, Josh. I always believed that what we did was special and reserved just for the two of us. I always thought you loved me. Now I’m not so sure.”
“But I do love you. I love everything about you. Yes I love the sex with you but that’s only part of it. I love who you are, how you think, how you treat your brothers… just everything.”
Josh sat down across from me. “Please don’t cry, Greg. I promise you I will never do anything like that again.”
“I trusted you, Josh. It never even occurred to me that you’d do that.”
“I’m really sorry, Greg.” He leaned over and tried to kiss me.
I leaned away from him. In a quiet, controlled voice I said, “I want you to leave. I want you to take your things and just leave.”
“Greg, you don’t mean that.”
“I do. I want you to leave and not come back… ever.”
“Oh God, Greg. Don’t do this to me. I love you. I want to be with you always. I promise I’ll never do it again. Never.”
“Just go! Now!”
He stared at me for a few moments before he went into the bedroom and came out with a bag full of his belongings. Again he said, “Greg, please don’t do this!” I wasn’t even looking at him, just gazing into space.
I heard the outside door close. The next thing I heard was his car peeling out of the driveway.
I sat for a long while. Then I moved to the phone and dialed. When Garrett answered I yelled into the phone,” You bastard. You fucking bastard. Do have any idea what you’ve done?”
There was silence. Finally he said quietly, “OK. Yes, I knew just what I was doing. But so did Josh. Did you swear at him too?”
“I threw him out.”
“Oh. I’m sorry about that, but you’ll get over it.”
“Never!” I said. “Don’t you ever have anything to do with anybody in my family again. Do you hear me?”
“Does that mean Derek too?”
“Absolutely. Anybody.” I hung up and ran upstairs, falling on my old bunk and crying. Derek came over and sat with me while Teddy sat across from us looking really puzzled.
“What happened?” asked Derek.
“I threw him out.”
“What. Why?”
“Because he and Garrett betrayed me. I trusted them and they betrayed me.”
“What did they do? Did they have… you know what?”
“I can’t talk about it. Go downstairs for a while.” They did, and they cleaned up the dinner and washed the dishes. When they came back up my back was to them but I could hear Derek, my stoic Derek, crying. I looked over to the bunks and saw that Teddy was too. I said quietly, “Leave me alone for tonight. Just get ready for bed.”
I went down to my bedroom, where I saw that Josh had left his promise ring on the top of the dresser. I took mine off, wrapped both of them in a handkerchief, and put them in a drawer. Looking in the drawers I realized that Josh had taken some of his things but certainly not everything. I supposed he thought I’d relent in a day or two and ask him to come back. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. I lay down and tried to sleep, but I was miserable all night.
When the alarm went off in the morning, I washed up, dressed, clanged the pan, and made the breakfast. At breakfast, both boys were looking at me guardedly, I guess wondering what kind of a mood I was in.
“Are you OK?” Derek asked.
“No. I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will be, but don’t worry. The three of us will get along just fine.”
“Is Josh coming back?”
“No.”
Derek said no more until the phone rang. He got it, looked at me and mouthed, “It’s Josh.”
“I don’t want to talk to him… ever!”
Derek tried to soften the message but I imagine I’d been loud enough so Josh heard me. Derek asked if Josh was OK and then listened to the answer. Then he said, “I’m sorry Josh. Why don’t you try again tonight?” With that he hung up and came to the table and sat.
“Josh said he went home and got roaring drunk last night and he’s got such a hangover he’s staying in bed.”
“That’s his business. I don’t care.”
Derek and Teddy went outside while I sat at the table, moping. Finally, since it wasn’t raining much the three of us tried to do some work in the garden. Keeping busy helped some.
In the late afternoon we did the chores and I got supper. While we were eating the phone rang again. “Don’t answer it,” I said, but Derek got up and answered anyway.
After listening he said, “He won’t talk, Josh. Are you OK?” He listened again. “What do you mean?” The third time he listened a look of horror flashed over his face. “Oh, God. Josh. Don’t do that, PLEASE!”
Derek turned to me and said, “He’s been thinking all day about killing himself and the best way to do it. He said he didn’t want to leave a mess for his parents.”
I jumped up and grabbed the phone. “Don’t you dare do that, you bastard! Do you know what that would do to your parents? Suicide is just selfish. Look at what our dad did.”
“If I don’t have you I don’t have much reason to live,” he answered.
“That’s stupid! You’ll find somebody else. You don’t need me, Josh, and I don’t need you. If you really feel like killing yourself, tell your parents.”
“I’ll think about it,” he replied and hung up.
I thought a moment. Then I called the police and told them I believed Josh might be suicidal. They said they’d go right over to the house.
Later I learned that when they got there Josh was talking with his parents but wasn’t really telling them what he’d done, just that I’d gotten mad at him and thrown him out. He promised the police he wouldn’t do anything to himself and they left.
The next day I went online for a while, but didn’t have much interest in it. Finally Teddy and I played Parcheesi while Derek tried to write.
That evening of course the phone rang again and Derek answered. He talked with Josh for a while and asked him to call again in the morning. Derek reported that the doctor had given Josh an anti-depressant and he was feeling a little better.
Teddy looked down at his empty plate and said quietly, “I miss Josh.”
“So do I,” said Derek.
I did too but I wasn’t about to say it. Instead I said, “I’m sorry. That’s just the way it is. We’ll all get over it.”
“But Greg,” Derek said, “he’s like another brother to us. It isn’t fair that we can’t see him just because you’re mad at him.”
“He’s not your brother. I’m your brother. You don’t need him.”
“I know he’s not our blood brother, but he’s treated us like a brother for so long that he seems like one. It’s been like you two worked as a team and now half the team’s missing.”
“You’ll just have to accept it. He’s not coming back.”
“Can we go to his house?”
“I’ll think about that. Right now I just don’t trust him at all.”
“What about Garrett? Will I be able to continue writing with him?”
“No. I’ve told him he’s not to have anything to do with our family.”
Derek began to protest but thought better of it.
I lay awake that night, alternately thinking and crying. Was I punishing the boys because of Josh and Garrett? Was I being unfair to them? I didn’t know. What could I do to help them get over missing Josh? And what about Garrett? I was so confused and so hurt and so angry at both Josh and Garrett that I couldn’t really think straight about anything.
I tried to go to sleep. I remembered what the boys had said about missing Josh and there in bed I missed him terribly. But I couldn’t forgive what he’d done. Maybe someday we could become friends again, but never lovers. I was determined that wouldn’t happen.
A few days later, just as we were finishing supper, a car pulled into the drive and Josh’s parents got out. It wasn’t unusual for his father to come as he showed up at least once a week in his capacity as guardian. But I think this was only the second time his mother had come.
We welcomed them and I invited them to sit while I poured some coffee. When they were seated Josh’s mom asked, “Could we talk with you for a few minutes… alone?”
By this time my brothers were pretty accustomed to leaving me to talk privately in the kitchen so they grabbed the chess set and headed upstairs. When they were gone, I asked, “Did Josh ask you to come?”
“No,” she replied. “He doesn’t even know we’re here. Greg,” she continued, “Josh’s father and I are really concerned about what’s happened between you and Josh. So we decided to come over to see if there was anything we could do to help patch things up.”
I looked at them both and asked, “Did Josh tell you what happened?”
“Not really,” his father said. “He only told us that you had gotten angry and had thrown him out. When we asked him why he wouldn’t tell us. Can you?”
Thinking for a few moments I replied, “No, I can’t. He needs to tell you. All I’ll say is that it’s about something he did.”
“And that made you angry?”
“Yes, and hurt.”
“So angry and hurt that you won’t even talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“And you won’t tell us what it is?” his mother asked.
“No. I don’t think it’s my place to.”
“So there’s nothing we can do to bring you back together?”
“I’m afraid that’s right.”
They looked at each other and then his father asked, “Is there anything that Josh can do?”
“Not that I can think of. You really need to talk with him. If Josh doesn’t have what it takes to tell you what happened, then he’s less of a man than I thought he was.”
Again they looked at each other before his mother said, “Greg, you know we’re terribly fond of you and your brothers. We have great admiration for the way you have kept your family together and for your sense of responsibility. We don’t want to pry, but we’re just heartbroken that you two are apart and frankly so is Josh.”
“Yes, well, so am I but I guess that’s just the way it is.”
Finally they rose to go. I thanked them for coming and said I hoped that what had happened between me and Josh didn’t mean they wouldn’t come to see us sometimes. They assured me they would return, and then they left.