Matthew’s first appointment with Dr. Butkus was primarily for them to get to know one another. The doctor told Matthew that he had attended the trial in part because he didn’t want Matthew to have to go over the entire story again, saying In addition that he thought Matthew had done very well. Then he asked to look at Matthew’s pictures. After examining them closely he asked, “Did you say in court that these pictures just happened, that you weren’t really conscious of what you were drawing?”
“Yes, sir. That was especially true of the first one. I just seemed to be all spaced out as I drew it. In the second one, I recognized the picture but it took me time to understand who the man was. By the third one, I knew what the picture was, and I was pretty sure who the other boy was. The last one really formed in my head on the way home from the trial. I knew what I was doing then; I knew it was a sort of revenge.”
“The unconscious part of these is very interesting to me, Matthew,” replied the doctor. “I think that at first you were really tapping into a subconscious fear as you were doing them.”
“There was plenty of fear that wasn’t subconscious. I was scared shitless.” A look of shock came over Matthew’s face. “I’m sorry sir, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“That’s fine, Matthew. When you’re with me you can say whatever you want any way you want. Don’t feel uncomfortable about it. And I completely understand you being frightened.”
Matthew thanked the doctor and went on to tell how he hadn’t even been able to let his parents touch or hug him until after the trial, when he had hugged Mr. Johnson, and both his parents.
“That’s wonderful news,” said the doctor. I do need to remind you that I have talked with Mr. Johnson about you and he filled me in on much of what you discussed. We’ll probably go over some of that from time to time. But now, tell me about Stephan,” suggested the doctor. “I heard his testimony at the trial, and I gather that he and Billy were never threatened and apparently never forced to do oral sex with Mr. Sinclair.”
“Is that what it’s called? I know they weren’t threatened. How far other things went I don’t know. Stephan has been very kind to me ever since what I call ‘Black Weekend,’ the weekend when Sinclair attacked me. Even that Saturday morning, he sat beside me talking, just giving me understanding and support. He told me I should scream if anything happened that night and the boys would come to my rescue, but I just couldn’t get a sound out I was so terrified, especially after that bastard took out his knife. I know I should have screamed or tried something else to stop him, and I feel really ashamed that I didn’t.”
“Matthew, there’s no way you could have stopped him. It was a power situation. He had all the power; you were the victim. You did what you had to do to survive, and I don’t think you should ever feel ashamed about that.”
At the end of the session, Dr. Butkus asked Matthew to be sure to save the four pictures, saying he might want to borrow them sometime. The boy agreed. He decided he liked Dr. Butkus and could probably trust him. He was to continue with weekly appointments on Mondays after school.
On Saturday, Stephan arrived for his first art lesson. Matthew began the lesson by talking about some of the elements of art—line, shape, color, shading. He asked what kind of art Stephan wanted to do. Stephan replied that he thought he should begin with something simple. Nodding, Matthew took a large tablet, gave Stephan some charcoal, and encouraged him to simply draw a few lines using the entire page, curving, straight, wobbly, whatever lines he wanted. When the boy finished, Matthew showed him how to use the charcoal to achieve shading and told him to try different shadings between the lines. Stephan worked for a time and was quite pleased with the result.
“Can I take this home? My parents will never believe I did it.” Matthew assured him he could, suggesting that next time they try the same exercise using pastels.
They chatted for awhile before going downstairs to grab some lunch. As they ate, Stephan became aware that Matthew was looking at him intently. Finally, Matthew asked, “Would you let me do a portrait of you, Stephan?”
“Not if it’s going to come out like that oil painting you showed me the last time I was here,” Stephan replied, smiling.
Horrorstruck and unaware that Stephan had been joking Matthew hastened to assure his friend. “Heavens no, Stephan, there’s absolutely nothing scary about you. I could never do that. In fact, you’re quite the best looking and nicest boy I know, and I want to see if I can capture that in a drawing.”
“I’d be honored,” said Stephan. What will you use? Oils? Watercolors?”
“I think I’m going to try charcoal. It’s a medium I’m very comfortable with so I think I can do it well.
Back in the bedroom/studio, Matthew asked, “Would you be uncomfortable if I asked you to take off your shirt?”
“Of course not,” replied Stephen, removing both his shirt and his undershirt. Stephan’s chest was beginning to develop nicely, as were his arms and legs. Matthew gazed at him, thinking he indeed had a body as beautiful as his face. Although he felt a stirring in his groin, he said nothing, proceeding instead to pose his friend on a bench and adjusting lights to his satisfaction.
Beginning to sketch out the lines he said, “I’ll probably have the most trouble with your hair. I’ve never done curls like that before and they’re one of your best features, so I’ll want to get them right.”
As he drew, Stephan asked, “What’s Dr. Butkus like?”
“He’s nice. He’s older than Mr. Johnson, but I think he understands kids and I think I can trust him. He lets me say whatever I want to and use whatever language I want to. The other thing I’ve noticed is that he spends a lot of time thinking. He doesn’t rush into questions or conversation, and I think he wants me to do the same.”
“Have you told him about people touching you or about not being able to jerk off?”
“I did tell him about the touching, and how I could hug Mr. Johnson and my parents after the trial, but I haven’t said anything about you hugging me or about jerking off yet, although Mr. Johnson may have told him it’s an issue for me.”
“Matthew, I didn’t say anything the other day, but I’m really glad you could hug Mr. Johnson and your parents after the trial. That must have been a major breakthrough for you!”
“It was.”
Stephan was sitting with his torso turned a bit to the right and his head looking at Matthew. There was a silence before he said, “If what I have to say offends you, please forgive me, because I mean it as a compliment.” Matthew just nodded his head. “Well, Sinclair got one thing right; you are a beautiful boy.”
Matthew’s hands stopped moving and he looked up, shocked. “I’m not beautiful, Stephan. Like I said to Sinclair, boys aren’t beautiful.” Privately however he was thinking, but you are, Stephan; how do I handle that?
“I disagree, Matthew. Surely with your interest in art, you must have looked at ancient Greek and Roman statues and pots. There are a lot of them that depict the gods as beautiful boys, as well as ones that show boys as athletes, musicians, and all sorts of things. The Greeks knew that the human body was beautiful at any age, and they didn’t mind showing it.”
Matthew knew that his friend was right, but he had never thought about contemporary people the same way he thought of the Greeks. “I suppose the human body hasn’t changed since ancient Greece, but the way we think of it certainly has. I read somewhere that young Greek men usually had boys as lovers even if they were later drawn to women. I thought about that after Black Weekend, but what I read was that it was a very loving relationship, nothing like the horrible things that man was doing.”
“That’s right. It couldn’t have been the same thing at all.” They remained in companionable silence for nearly an hour, until Matthew noticed that Stephan was getting tired and suggested that they stop.
When it was time for Stephan to leave, Matthew asked him if he would return so he could finish the portrait and his friend agreed, so the next afternoon found them once again in Matthew’s studio.
As he worked and they talked idly, Matthew said, “You know Stephan, I see you around school and you’re always surrounded by friends, so I can’t understand why you want to spend time with me. Tell me honestly, is it because you feel sorry for me?”
Stephan burst into laughter, momentarily ruining his pose. Resuming his position he said very quietly, “No, Matthew. It’s not because I feel sorry for you. Oh, I did on that first weekend and the days after, but not anymore. The truth is…I...I…I think I’m attracted to you!” he blurted out.
Matthew froze. He was astonished. The thought had never occurred to him. Somehow, he thought he was the only one who could be attracted to another boy, and he had been ashamed of the way he felt about Stephan. Finally he said, “Oh my gosh. I don’t understand this. Is that what you meant on Black Weekend when you asked if I was gay?”
“Yes Matthew. I think I was hoping even then that you were because I certainly am. Does that disgust you?”
Matthew pondered the question before replying, “No. Disgust isn’t the right word at all. I guess in a way, I’m complimented. I suppose I have to say that I don’t really understand what being gay means or what you do about it.”
“It means that you’re attracted to males instead of females, boys instead of girls. It means that, when you think about sex, you think about having it with other boys. When you fall in love, like I may be, it’s with a boy, not with a girl. But I’m not sure I understand what you meant by ‘what you do about it’.”
“I guess I mean is it something that can be cured, or are you just stuck with it and you have to live your life that way?”
“You know Matthew, I’ve thought about that for quite a while. First, I’ve known for a long time that there was something different about me. I didn’t figure out that it was because I was gay until about two years ago. I believe it’s the way I was born and I don’t think there’s a cure. In fact, I don’t think I would want to be cured. I am who I am, and gayness is a part of me. I love looking at boys! So, yes, I suppose in a way I’m stuck with it, but I don’t usually think about it like that. I know that a lot of people won’t accept me because I’m gay, so I need to be very careful who I tell, but most of the time I’m happy being who I am. Does any of that make sense to you?”
“I suppose so, but I’ll have to do a lot of thinking about it.”
“I asked you before if my being attracted to you disgusts you. Do you want me to leave?” asked Stephan anxiously.
“No! Definitely not! First, I told you I wasn’t disgusted. Second, you’re my friend, and I hope you always will be, gay or not. Third, you’ve moved out of your position.” With an expression of relief and a smile, Stephan returned to his pose and Matthew worked in silence. Finally, he asked, “You said that you figured out two years ago that you were gay. How did you do that?”
“Well, I suppose as I started to develop and I was getting boners all the time, I realized that I was getting them when I thought of other boys, not of girls. To tell you the truth, when we were in the showers at school I would look at boys and try to decide which ones I wanted to have sex with. But I never had it with any of them; it was all fantasy. I did fantasize about them when I was jerking off, but I never even talked about it with anybody except my brother Stavros. You’re the first person I’ve told besides him. After Black Weekend, when we began to spend time together, my fantasies became all about you. In fact, you probably don’t have to look very closely to see that I have a huge boner right now.”
Matthew, who was trying to hide his own screaming erection behind his easel, did look and was impressed with the size of what he saw. “Stephan,” he began hesitantly, “thank you for being so honest with me. I want to do some hard thinking about this.”
“Hard thinking?” asked Stephan, laughing aloud.
Matthew blushed. He hated that he blushed so easily, but it was nothing he could control. “You know what I mean, idiot! Could we talk again next time we get together? I think I should be able to finish your portrait by then if I don’t get too distracted. There are some things I can do on it tonight when you’re not here.”
“I do know what you mean and yes, we can talk more next time. Now, Can I look at the picture?”
Draping a cloth over the picture Matthew said, “No. It’s bad luck for the model to look at it before it’s finished.” Stephan nodded, put his shirts back on and prepared to leave. In the doorway he asked, “Matthew, can I give you a hug?” Matthew nodded, happily hugging Stephan back. They smiled at each other and Stephen departed.
Matthew returned to his room, closed and locked the door, pulled down his trousers and underpants, and gazed at his bursting erection. He removed his shirts, got some tissues, and lay on his bed, softly touching his engorged penis. Part of him wanted to rush to a climax, but another part of him wanted to go slowly and enjoy it. He lay, picturing a naked Stephan beside him holding his own penis. The two of them began to move their hands up and down slowly as Matthew satisfied the longing he had been unable to gratify for so long.