Stephan arrived after school on Tuesday and the boys settled to finishing his portrait. As Matthew had said, the lovely black curls gave him some difficulty, but he was finally satisfied with them. As he worked, he asked, “Stephan, can I ask you about being gay?” His friend nodded and Matthew continued, “I always thought it was perverted, like Sinclair, so why do you feel it’s OK?”
Pondering a few moments, Stephan began slowly, “I thought quite a bit about that at first. Certainly, that’s what a lot of society believes. But I could never get past the question of whether or not I was abnormal. I don’t feel abnormal. What I feel about boys seems perfectly normal to me, and if it is, how could it be wrong?”
“I don’t know, but that’s what I’m having trouble with. I certainly don’t think of you as perverted, but I do think of Sinclair that way. So what’s the difference?”
Another period of silence ensued before Stephan responded thoughtfully, “I think one difference is that what I want to do is with kids my own age, while Sinclair was a grown man victimizing kids. He used force and threats to make kids do what he wanted. I’d never do that.”
“Actually, Mr. Johnson talked with me about Sinclair. He said Sinclair was a pedophile and that means he wants to have sex with kids. He told me that was different from being gay, because gay guys want to do things with other guys about their own age.”
“Exactly.” Then Stephan continued, “The other thing I’ve been thinking about is how all this relates to love. I’ve never experienced the romantic kind of love, so I don’t know what it feels like, but I do think that sex can be an expression of love, and if it is, and it’s mutual, I don’t see how it could be wrong.”
Matthew nodded pensively. Finally he said, “I need to tell you something.” Stephan looked at him enquiringly. “Do you remember saying yesterday that you had a huge boner?”
Stephen grinned and said, “Yes.”
“Well, I did too, for the first time since Black Weekend, and after you left, I couldn’t wait to jerk off. It was wonderful, and I was able to do it again that night before I went to sleep. You’ve cured me!”
“Excellent!” responded Stephan, laughing. “To tell you the truth, when I got home, I went right to my bedroom and jerked off, of course fantasizing about you.”
Matthew worked in silence for a time before finally saying, “I think it’s finished. Do you want to see it?”
Stephan immediately walked around the easel and examined the picture closely. As he did so, Matthew became increasingly aware of the shirtless boy beside him.
“Oh, my, Matthew. Do I really look that good?”
“To me you do. I tried to get in your kindness and gentleness, as well as your physical features.”
“Matthew, could I have this to give to my mother for Christmas? She’d love it.”
“Oh no, I want to keep this, first because it’s of you and second because it’s my first portrait. But I suppose I could do another one. How about if I do that and then we choose which I keep and which you give to your mother?” Stephan loved the idea, so they agreed, which meant, of course, that he would continue to visit Matthew and sit in front of him naked to the waist, a thought which Matthew immediately relished.
The following Monday, Matthew went to his appointment with his therapist. When Matthew mentioned his bad dreams, Dr. Butkus asked whether he could describe any of them, which Matthew wasn’t able to do except in very general terms such as “frightening” and “terrifying.” The doctor suggested that he keep a pad and pencil by his bed and try to write down the dreams as soon as he awoke. Matthew said he would try.
“Matthew,” the doctor continued, “you know that I talked with Mr. Johnson about some of your issues. One that he mentioned was that you were unable to masturbate after that weekend. Is that still true?”
Matthew blushed bright crimson. He knew that he had talked about it with Mr. Johnson and had certainly mentioned masturbation at the trial, but at first he was a little reluctant to talk about it with the doctor, whom he didn’t know as well. Finally, however, he gathered his courage and replied, “You’re right. After Black Weekend I couldn’t...jerk off!” he blurted, looking at the doctor to see what reaction he got. The doctor simply nodded. Feeling a little braver, Matthew continued, “But late last week I was working on a portrait of Stephan which he was posing for. We were talking about being gay and he commented that he had a huge boner. What he didn’t realize was that I did too, but I was hiding it behind my easel. After he left, I was finally able to jerk off. It was such a relief, and I no longer think it’s disgusting. It’s too wonderful to be that.”
“Why were you talking about being gay?”
“Because Stephan said he was. I don’t really know yet what to think about that.”
“Do you think he’s told other people?”
“Only his older brother. He hasn’t said anything to his parents.”
“Do you think you can still be friends with him?”
“Oh, yes. It doesn’t bother me. I just need to do some more thinking about it.”
“Well, when you’ve thought and when you’re ready to talk more about it, we certainly can. In the meantime, you know that a lot of people feel that gays are perverted and bad, so you need to protect Stephan’s secret carefully.”
Matthew nodded.
“Did Mr. Johnson tell you the difference between being gay and being a pedophile?”
“Yes, he told me that Sinclair was a pedophile and he was sick, so I do understand the difference.”
“Good. OK, Matthew. I’ll see you next Monday.”
Arriving home after school the next day, he found Stephan waiting for him to begin the second portrait. As Matthew worked, he told his friend about his conversation with the doctor, how he told about being able to masturbate and about Stephan being gay.
“You told him that?”
Matthew was suddenly afraid perhaps he had done something Stephan wouldn’t like. He knew it was OK to trust his secrets to the doctor, but was it OK to trust Stephan’s as well? Finally he answered, “Yes, I did. It came up while I was telling him about masturbating. He was fine with it, and he told me to guard your secret very carefully. Did I do something wrong?” he asked anxiously.
Stephan was silent for a moment. “No, I guess you didn’t. It’s just that for me being gay is still a very private thing, and I don’t want people knowing. But I’m sure he understands and we know he won’t say anything to anybody else so I suppose it was OK.”
Relieved, Matthew nodded and went back to work.
“Matthew, can I ask you a question?” asked Stephan.
“Sure,” said Matthew.
“Did Mr. Sinclair come in your mouth?” Matthew went cold, a shudder running through him. “I’m sorry, Matthew,” his friend said softly, “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
Matthew was silent, working for several minutes. At length he said, “It’s OK, Stephan. I probably need to accept that that’s just what happened. I was so upset by it I think I was denying it.” Stephen nodded. Continuing, he said, “I can’t even really remember it, I was so frightened, but I know it did happen.”
“Are you still having bad dreams?” Matthew nodded and told his friend what the therapist asked him to try.
They remained in companionable silence for a time, Stephan posing and Matthew working. “OK, Matthew. I have another question for you that I hope won’t be as threatening. You mentioned a while ago seeing me in the halls at school surrounded by friends. I thought about that and realized that you always seem to be alone. We talked about this before and you said that you thought it was because you were so shy. I think it has nothing to do with Black Weekend because you were always alone before that weekend. Can you tell me any more about it?”
“I don’t really know,” responded Matthew, diffidently. “I envy people who make friends easily and who feel comfortable in groups of people. When I’m in a group like that, I start panicking and feeling very self-conscious but I don’t understand why. I don’t remember anything happening that would make me feel that way. I just do.”
Stephan said, “Maybe we need to think about how to help you with that.”
Before Stephan left, the boys hugged closely. As they parted they looked in each other’s eyes and smiled once again.
With Stephan gone, Matthew went back to work, drawing partly from memory and partly from the first portrait, which he had in front of him. That night, lying in bed, Matthew once again fantasized about Stephan and successfully gratified himself.
The following day, Stephan returned again to sit for his portrait, but when he entered the room, he looked very serious, saying, “I have to tell you something.” Matthew looked up inquiringly, and his friend continued, “Billy called me last night. I don’t know whether or not you know this, but his father works for the state Department of Corrections, which oversees the state prisons. Billy told me that, yesterday, Sinclair was attacked in the prison showers.”
Matthew went cold. “Oh, my God! And I told him I hoped he suffered in prison. What happened?”
“Well several prisoners forced him up against a wall and made him have sex with them. Then they took cigarettes and burned him in very painful places. After that, one of them took a knife, cut off his balls and made him swallow them. Then he cut off his cock, stuffing it in his mouth. Finally, they left him bleeding in the showers where a guard found him. He nearly bled to death but they were able to save him. Now he has to go through life with no balls and no cock.”
“That’s terrible. I feel so guilty thinking of what I said.”
“You shouldn’t. What happened was terrible, but you didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“I know, but now I think that no matter how bad a person is they shouldn’t have to suffer like that.”
“You’re probably right, but it’s done and there’s nothing we can do about it, so I guess we just forget it.”
“I’m not sure I can.” Matthew was silent for a long while, finally going to his easel and removing the cloth from the portrait. He worked until it was time for Stephan to leave again, telling his friend that he thought he could finish the portrait at their next meeting.
In his bedroom that night, he thought a great deal about Mr. Sinclair, wondering how he would ever survive in prison for fifteen years.
Later in the night, he awoke suddenly, screaming and trembling. He turned on his light and tried to write down what he remembered of his dream before he got up to change his pajamas. Knocking on his door, his mother asked if he was OK. He opened the door, telling his mother about having a bad dream. She held him gently for a time as they embraced, before he said he thought he could get back to sleep. She helped him change his sheets then kissed him and quietly closed his door. Changing his pajamas and climbing back into bed, Matthew was able to sleep through the night, this time dreaming of his friend, Stephan.
Stephan arrived once again on Saturday and Matthew got to work finishing the portrait. They didn’t talk for some time, and Stephan could see that his friend was deep in thought.
Finally, Matthew said, “Stephan?” Stephan looked at him questioningly. “I think I need to tell you something, but I’m scared to admit it, even to myself.”
“Go on, Matthew, you know you can trust me.”
“I’m afraid I’m gay.”
“Why are you afraid?” Stephen asked gently.
“Because all the time I hear kids talk about faggots and queers and gays and homos as though being gay is something bad or unnatural. I’m just not at the point you are of thinking it’s natural and OK.”
“I understand completely. Anything I can do or say to help you with it?”
“Will you give me a hug?”
Stephan nodded, went to Matthew and they embraced, gently and lovingly.
“Would you let me give you a little kiss, Matthew?”
“No. Just hold me.” So the two boys held each other, each thinking his own thoughts.
Stephan asked, “Do you want to talk about it more?”
“No, not just yet. I think the first step was admitting it to myself and to you. Now I have to do some more thinking. Stephan nodded, and the two boys sat on the edge of the bed in silence for a few minutes.
Finally, Matthew said, “Stephan, I think the portrait is done,” and Stephen went to look at the picture, which had been posed with him facing to his left.
Stephan sighed and said, “It’s as beautiful as the first one. Do you know which one you want?” Matthew said he thought he would keep the first one, because it was the first portrait he had ever attempted. Stephan asked, “What can I pay you for it?”
Matthew was shocked. “It’s a gift, Stephan. I don’t want money for it.”
“But it’s going to be a gift to my mother. After all, I don’t think I can hang it on my own wall.”
“It’s a gift for you to do with as you please. If it will make you happy to give it to her, then by all means do it. Would you like me to mat it and frame it for you?” Stephan nodded happily. So he left the portrait with Matthew and returned home.
When Stephan had made the comment about hanging his portrait on his wall, Matthew had gotten an idea. After dinner, he moved his lights and easel near his full-length mirror. Removing his shirts, he sat looking in the mirror, trying several poses, and then began to sketch.