My parents were dead. They were killed in a nighttime boating accident on a lake in New Hampshire. I was five years old. I didn’t understand about death, but a solemn police officer who came to the door and talked with Frances, my babysitter, told me that they were gone and wouldn’t be back.
At the funeral there were two big, long boxes. My uncle Paul, whom I had never met before, said that Mommy and Daddy were inside the boxes. At the cemetery I was shocked when the boxes were lowered into the ground and people began to toss dirt on them.
Holding my hand, Uncle Paul told me to take a handful of dirt and toss it in. I started to shake and tears poured from my eyes. I didn’t toss any dirt. I just turned and buried my face in my uncle’s suit, dampening his trouser leg with my tears.
After the funeral there was a reception at my house, with food and drinks. I had to stand with my uncle and shake hands with all the people who came. Most of them said they were sorry, but I didn’t really understand who they were or why they were sorry.
When everyone left, Uncle Paul told me to go to my room and change my clothes. I wondered who would take care of me if my parents weren’t coming back. Maybe Frances, I thought. But when I asked Uncle Paul, he said that he was going to care for me, and I would be moving to his house in Maine. I had no idea where that was.
I didn’t want to move. My best friend lived next door and I was afraid I’d never see him again. As things turned out, I was right ─ I never did see him again.
The next day, my uncle packed my clothes and some toys, loaded them in his truck, and we drove away. I never returned.
It was a long drive. At first I watched the scenery go by, but in time I got bored. I was sad about leaving my friend, and I wondered if I’d get over that.
We stopped for lunch at a little restaurant. I had mac and cheese; Uncle Paul had steak.
Late in the afternoon, we pulled off the highway and onto a dirt road that led through some woods.
Uncle Paul’s house was a log cabin nestled in a clearing in the woods. When we drove into the clearing and got out of the car, he took my hand and led me into the cabin. The room we were in was paneled with what I later learned was pine.
He told me that the cabin had electricity, running water, and heat, things that he said were rather rare for a home in the woods.
Still holding my hand, he showed me the room he said was mine and where the bathroom was. He asked if I was hungry, and I shook my head. I lay down on my new bed and quietly wept. He watched me for a few minutes before saying, “Let me know when you’re hungry,” and he left the room.
I had brought my Teddy bear, whom I named Teddy. I lay on my bed hugging Teddy for a long time and eventually fell asleep.
When I woke up it was dark. The windows looked black and there was no light in the cabin.
I climbed out of bed holding Teddy and felt my way to my bedroom door. I stood in the hallway wondering what to do. Was I alone? I began to get scared.
“Uncle Paul?” I called. I heard nothing. I called again, louder. This time I heard a groan, and a light came on in the room across the hall.
Uncle Paul came out of the room. He was naked except for some briefs. He looked down at me, and asked, “What’s the matter?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Now?” he asked. “It’s two o’clock in the morning.”
I didn’t really know about time. I only knew I was hungry.
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Come on. I’ll get you something to eat.”
We walked together into what I learned to call ‘The Big Room’, which was a combination of a living room and a kitchen.
He reached into a cabinet and pulled out a box. Holding it up he asked, “Do you like these?”
I nodded.
He poured some of the dry cereal into a bowl.
“Do you like milk on them?”
I nodded and he poured some milk into the bowl. Then he put the bowl on the table and got a spoon.
I sat at the table, putting Teddy in the chair next to mine, and quietly ate my cereal. Uncle Paul made some coffee and then sat at the table sipping it. He watched me, but he didn’t say anything.
When I finished eating, he said, “I’ve never taken care of a child before, so I guess we’ll need to be patient with each other.”
I knew the word ‘patient’, because Mommy had always told Daddy that he needed to be more patient with me.
I climbed out of my chair, grabbed Teddy, and went into the bathroom, where I peed. Then I went back to my room and lay down, hugging my bear. Uncle Paul came in and showed me the lamp on a table by my bed. In addition to a regular bulb, it had a little one which gave just a bit of light.
“Do you like a little light when you sleep?” he asked.
I nodded.
He put the small light on. “Okay, you know where I am if you need me,” he said. Then, as he went out of my room, he turned and said, “Goodnight,” before he closed the door.
Mommy always kissed me goodnight, and I wondered if Uncle Paul ever would.
I lay there thinking about what was going to become of me. The next thing I knew, it was light outside and I could hear noises coming from the kitchen.
Teddy and I went into the kitchen part of the Big Room, where Uncle Paul was cooking bacon and eggs. He poured a glass of orange juice for me and then put a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs in front of me.
We sat silently, both eating our breakfast. When we finished, Uncle Paul took the plates to the sink and rinsed them off before leaving them on the counter.
I stood beside him with my bear and asked, “What are we going to do today?”
Looking down at me, he asked, “What would you like to do?”
“Go home,” I said.
He squatted down so that his face was right across from mine. “That’s not going to happen,” he said. “This is your home now. In the fall, you’ll go to school near here and make new friends.”
“I don’t want new friends,” I said. “I want my next-door friend.”
“Come here,” he said, and led me into the living room. He sat on a chair and put me and Teddy on his lap.
After thinking for a moment, he said, “Davey, I know all this is new and difficult for you. I know you didn’t want anything to change. But things have changed and there’s nothing we can do about it. We just need to accept it.”
I sat in his lap, crying silently.
“I’ll tell you what,” Uncle Paul said, “why don’t we both get dressed and then we can have an Explore, outside.”
“What’s an Explore?” I asked.
“It’s going outside together and looking all around, finding places and things you might enjoy.”
“Okay,” I said.
I hopped down off his lap and, taking Teddy with me, went into my bedroom where took off my pajamas and put on my favorite yellow T-shirt, my underwear, my blue shorts, some socks, and my sneakers.
When I went back into the living room carrying Teddy, Uncle Paul was there, all dressed and wearing a backpack.
“Do you want your bear to go on the Explore with us?” he asked.
I nodded.
He took my hand and led me out the door. It was a warm summer day and we stood in the bright sunshine. He led me behind the cabin. There I saw another small building which held lots of wood. Behind that the woods began again. Still holding my hand, Uncle Paul stopped and squatted down, looking at me.
“I’m going to tell you something very important,” he said. “You must never, ever go in the woods alone. It’s very easy to get lost in there. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
“Good,” he said. “Come on.”
“But won’t we get lost?” I asked, fearfully.
“No. I know my way around in these woods. I’ve been in them many, many times.”
We entered the woods. At first I was afraid. After all the sunlight, the woods were dark, and it felt like the trees were closing in on us. But the air was still warm.
“Are there animals in the woods?” I asked fearfully.
“Nothing that will hurt you,” Uncle Paul answered. “If we’re very lucky we might see a deer.”
“Well, if there’s anything fierce, Teddy will protect us,” I said.
Uncle Paul smiled, and I realized it was the first time I’d seen him smile.
He continued to hold my hand as we went deeper and deeper into the woods. Then, quite suddenly, we came to a meadow with wildflowers. A stream ran through it.
“Let’s sit down near the stream,” he said, and we did.
He opened his backpack and pulled out a paper bag which had sandwiches in it. He gave me one and said that, if I was thirsty, I could drink from the stream.
We ate in silence, but it was a friendly silence. I offered Teddy some pieces of my sandwich.
When we finished, Uncle Paul asked, “Did Teddy like the sandwich?”
“Yes,” I said. “Very much.” Then I asked, “Can I play in the stream?”
“Sure,” he said. “Let’s get you out of your clothes so you don’t get them wet.”
I pulled off my shirt and my socks and shoes.
“My shorts too?” I asked.
“Yup,” he said.
“Are you going into the stream too?”
“Not today, but I’ll go to the edge and watch you.”
I peeled off my shorts and my underwear. Telling Teddy to stay with the backpack, I took Uncle Paul’s hand and walked to the stream. A couple of times I stepped on something that hurt my foot a little, but I just held onto his hand tighter and kept walking.
At the edge of the stream there was a little bank of dirt and grass. When I began to go down the bank, my foot slipped and I almost fell, but Uncle Paul held tight, so I didn’t. He lifted me a little and set my feet in the water.
It was cold at first, but I got used to it and it felt good. I bent down to see if there were any fish in the water. I didn’t see any, so I decided to sit. The bottom was smooth and the water came up over my belly button.
As it happened, I was facing upstream when I sat, so the water flowed over my wee-wee. I was surprised at how good it felt. I never told Uncle Paul, but while I was sitting there, I peed. I just sat there enjoying the sensation of the water flowing over me for a time, and then I began splashing the water on each side of me with my hands and kicking it with my feet. I laughed with joy.
I sat playing in the water until I began to feel cold. I stood up and walked gingerly to the bank, where my uncle lifted me out. I stood in the sunshine, shivering at first but then, as I warmed up, I felt good. I’d never been naked outdoors before.
Uncle Paul put the paper sack into his backpack and said, “Why don’t you get dressed and we’ll go back home?”
At first I thought he meant my home, the only house I’d ever lived in, but then I realized he was talking about the cabin, his home.
“Why do I have to get dressed?” I asked. “It’s plenty warm even in the woods.”
He thought for a moment and then said, “Hah. I don’t suppose you do, but you’d better put your sneakers on when we walk through the woods.”
I sat down with the warm grass on my bottom and slid on my socks and shoes. Uncle Paul put my other clothes in his backpack. I picked up Teddy and took my uncle’s hand, and we walked once again into the woods.
This time the woods seemed more friendly, and I was no longer worried about fierce wild animals.
Since the cabin was warm, I didn’t feel the need for clothes, so I just sat in the living room and talked to Teddy.
“Do you like it here, Teddy?” I asked.
He thought for a bit and then nodded.
“Do you like Uncle Paul?”
Again he nodded.
“Is it okay if we stay here?”
Nod, nod.
“Then we will,” I said. I stood, and taking Teddy with me I went into my bedroom and we snuggled down to sleep.