Chapter 28

My cell phone alarm woke me from a deep sleep at seven, and within a matter of seconds I was wide awake. I could hardly wait. Today was the day I had been anticipating since our “out” tour. It was on the drive back to State College, after so much had gone badly, that I had essentially asked Elijah to marry me. There had been no engagement ring, no getting on my knee, no fancy dinner, just a deep admiration of the man sitting in the driver’s seat of the car we were riding in. He had looked so sober the day after having his mom refuse to even talk to him. I knew in my heart that our life would be filled with similar reactions to our relationship with each other. But I also knew that together, we could be strong and help each other face those difficulties. I remember putting my hand on his shoulder as he climbed in the car, having just filled the tank with gas.

“Elijah?”

He looked at me with doleful eyes and waited, for what I don’t know.

“Next year, when school’s over, we’re going to have to make it on our own. More than anything else in the world, I want to have you standing by my side when people find out I’m queer. I know we haven’t really known each other for very long, but I feel like we’re supposed to always be together. Will you stay by my side forever?”

Two large tears rolled down his cheeks as I said that.

“Phillip, when I’m with you, it seems like nothing else in life matters. It’s like just being with you gives me the courage to forget everything else that’s happening and want to go on.”

We didn’t talk about wedding plans that day, but I think we both felt that we were irrevocably committing our lives to being each other’s helpmate from that point on. We would be both, each other’s wives, and each other’s husbands, no matter what the law said about the matter. We sealed the deal with a tender kiss and a knowing gaze into each other’s eyes.

The next week we talked briefly to Fr. Tim about the mechanics of having some kind of commitment ceremony for Elijah and me, but it wasn’t until later that year, when the state of Iowa became the fifth state in the Union to legalize same sex marriage that we began discussing actually getting legally married to each other. We told a few mutual friends about our decision, and were amazed that it was our straight friends who embraced the idea and began to encourage us to do it. Our gay friends, for whatever reason, were mostly indifferent. Maybe they were jealous of us, but I think more than that, they were too broken from a world of hurt in their own lives to understand, causing them to reject the idea of an exclusive, lifelong, partnership.

“Alex Harper is listed in satisfactory condition,” was all the news I could get from the hospital. I left a message for Beth Ann to call me as soon as she could.

“Phillip,” she said in a cheery voice, a few minutes later.

“Beth Ann, thanks for calling. How’s Alex?”

My heart skipped a beat when she told me “miserable,” then laughed when I didn’t reply. “He’s having a difficult time waiting for the doctor to come in and give the order for the nurse to remove his IV. He feels fine. You should see him. Eric woke up last night after I fell asleep and wormed his way through all the tubes so he could snuggle up to his daddy. He looked so cute. The nurse didn’t even try to get him out of the bed; she just checked all the lines and left him there. Alexis was lying on Alex’s chest, babbling up a storm, when I left the room.”

“Is he gonna be allowed to be in the wedding?” I asked her,

“He’ll probably be discharged by then. The doctor said it was just angina, and that he should have his meds reevaluated when we get home.”

I met Ed in the hallway outside my hotel room. I had begun to call him dad again since my real father had walked out of my life for the second time. I felt so lucky having him put his arm across my shoulder as we walked to the restaurant for breakfast. His smile told me I could count on him to be there for me in life, even though I knew he still didn’t understand.

“So, this is it,” he said to me. Without looking, I knew he was smiling.

“Yeah, this is it.”

“You nervous?”

“I can’t wait to see him.”

“Your mother and I are happy for you, son. We think you’ve chosen wisely.” Then he stopped and turned me toward him. “Phil, I can’t tell you how proud we are of you. I’m ashamed to say it, but when you first told us about Elijah, we were afraid the two of you would turn your back on God and become like those people Paul describes in the first chapter of Romans. You have proven us wrong. You two are the kind of testimony to God’s grace that few people on this earth have the privilege of seeing. When I stop to think about how your heavenly father must see your relationship, I can’t help but picture him smiling and laughing with joy.”

The sight of Elijah as he entered the chapel caught my breath away. Mom told me later that she had never seen my face shine so brilliantly. Elijah’s hand was cold and sweaty as I took it in mine, and we turned to face Father Wallace.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered together on this most joyous occasion to witness the uniting of two lives into one.

“God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created them.[1]”

 “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his partner; and the two shall be one flesh: so they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has put together, let no man put asunder.[2]”

I glanced at mom, who was obviously disturbed by the misquoting of the very familiar scripture passage.

 “Beloved, I have purposely taken liberty with the words of the bible this morning, because I believe that there is a higher purpose to that passage. The first scripture adds “male and female he created them.” I don’t think anyone can refute that God’s original intent for mankind was for a man and a woman to come together in union in order to propagate the human race. He also knew from the beginning that the crowning glory of all his creation would fall to Satan’s craftiness, and that all of creation would become marked by the deceit of the fallen angel’s wiles. We’re not here to open theological debate on the ways sin has changed the world in which we live. Instead, we are here to celebrate the ways God has redeemed each of our lives from that trap.

“Before us stand two God-fearing young men, who have taken the cards they have been dealt in this life, and chosen to allow the God they worship to redeem their lives and mold them into something beautiful. They have chosen to show those who are watching, that the God of the universe blesses those who walk uprightly in his sight – unconditionally.”

I glanced over at my brothers standing on my line alongside of Alex. Sammy looked so debonair, standing erect in his satin black tails. Aaron was… well Aaron was being Aaron. He was trying …at least for as long as he could remember to, he was trying. Arn, as we’ve called him ever since he was born and Sammy couldn’t pronounce his name properly, was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, at a fairly young age. My parents chose to, rather than slow his mind down with drugs, take a modified diet and stern loving discipline approach to treating the disorder. That worked well in most settings, but standing in front of people and listening to someone talk was evidently not one of those settings. I nearly cracked up when I saw him pulling the two ends of his tuxedo tails around his waist, and tying them together like an unneeded sweatshirt on a warm day.

My gaze was diverted from Aaron when I sensed Elijah suddenly grow tense. Following his eyes to the rear of the room, I watched his parents enter the room and sit in chairs near the door. Reza, his mom was wearing a dark blue, almost black dress. I wondered to myself if there was any significance to her choice of colors. David, was wearing a plain dark suit, and the traditional broad rimmed, low, black hat, of a conservative Jew. …but at least he had a smile on his face.

For obvious reasons, the brief message Father Wallace gave was not the traditional wedding charge. Instead, he chose his text from the Apostle Paul’s first letter to the church at Corinth.

“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman,” he began, which caused more than a few eyebrows in the crowd to be raised.

Tim looked a bit out of sorts as he attempted to recover from his faux pas. “My apologies to the grooms, and please,” he said as he looked at the audience, “…allow me the indulgence of substituting a few words from the text.

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each person should have their own mate.

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

“To the unmarried and the widowers I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”[3]

“Paul’s original letter,’ he continued, “was written to the church at large. He couldn’t possibly address every situation that had arisen in that particular church, so he wrote about the most prominent situation, which is that of men who are naturally attracted to women, and women who are naturally attracted to men. But what, I ask you, about the men and women who are naturally attracted to those of their own gender? I believe the apostle expected the church to connect the dots to each individual situation.

“Today, two young men stand before you, who have amazingly been able to connect the dots to their own lives. The reward for having done that is they get to stand here in front of you witnesses, and pledge their unyielding love and devotion to each other.

“Both of these men have a deep and abiding devotion to their God. Both have also wrestled mightily with the question of whether or not God wanted them to invest their life’s energy into overcoming the lust which is induced in no small part, by the physical need of a man’s body. Instead, they have chosen perhaps a more difficult, but I believe a much more fulfilling route to serving God. More difficult: in that they will likely face much ridicule from their Christian and Jewish peers – peers who have perhaps never considered the entire picture. More fulfilling: in that, together with the Spirit of God, they will have the strength of three, bound together into a strong cord, to help and to comfort each other.

Father Tim lifted two lit candles from the top of the Altar, and turned back to face his charge.

“A candle flame, while visible in the light, is not easily noticed. Sir,” he said motioning to Elijah’s dad, apparently not knowing who he was. “Would you be so kind as to dim the lights?” Reza reached for his arm to stop him, but was too late.

“See how these two small flames illuminate the entire room?” he asked, and then looked back to the two of us. “The lives of many of the men and women that each one of us will have the privilege of associating with in our lifetime are filled with darkness, lived in secret, hidden from the view of others. God says we, as his children are the light of the earth.”

Tim brought the two flames together as he continued his charge to us, and the two small flames became one much brighter light.

“See how much more brightly these two lights burn when they are united? Go then as one, my brothers, and allow those around you to see the light of the world.”

“A person should walk in the light, not in the darkness,” Mr. Cohen said as he flipped the light switch back to the on position, and sat down.

“Yes. But it’s not the healthy who need a physician,” Tim said, quoting Christ without a moment’s hesitation.

“Do you have the ring?” Tim whispered into my ear before proceeding.

I smiled as I slipped it out of my pocket.

“Please repeat after me.

“I Phillip Ryan Johnson,”

“Do take you Elijah David Cohen, to be my lawfully wedded husband,”

“To have and to hold from this day forward,”

 “For better or for worse,”

 “For richer,”

 “For poorer,”

 “In sickness and in health,”

“To love and to cherish,”

“Forsaking all others;”

“From this day forward until death do us part.”

“…until death do us part.”

“Amen.”

“Amen.”

“What token of your undying love do you give to this man?”

“This ring”

We had chosen matching platinum wedding bands over gold ones. While we liked the symbolism of the purity of gold, it was the strength and durability of the platinum which won out in the end. We knew that, while purity was of utmost importance in any relationship, we would not make it without giving our strength to each other.

I looked at the endless circle of the ring as I attempted to slide it onto Elijah’s ring finger. Like the ring, the pledge of my love and devotion to Elijah was unending. My heart leapt into my throat, wondering if he was suddenly having second thoughts, when he kept pulling his hand away from mine.

“The other hand. …The ring goes on the other hand,” he kept saying until I realized I was trying to put the ring on his right hand.

“Oh, yeah.” I sighed in relief.

“I Elijah David Cohen do take you Phillip Ryan Johnson…”

We chose not to finish the vows with the traditional kiss. We didn’t want to make any of our guests more uncomfortable than they may already have been. Instead we simply held each other’s hand, and turned to face the audience.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you, Mr.Elijah, and Mr. Phillip Cohson.”

I heard an audible gasp from the rear of the room, and my own mother had a look of shock painted on her face. We had told no one but Father Wallace of our intentions to combine our last names into one.

We had discussed what names we would take more often than any other single issue, including what style and color tuxedos we would wear. Neither of us was keen on simply keeping our given name, and hyphenated names were just too awkward; both in writing, and in explaining them. Besides, whose name would come first? It was Elijah who came up with the idea to combine a part of each of our last names to form a new one, and Cohson was the only thing which worked. Besides, we figured that since we wouldn’t be making any babies, we wouldn’t be passing on either of our family names anyway.

After a quick stop on the Massachusetts side of the Seekonk River to sign our marriage license legally, we headed for Provincetown to honeymoon amongst “family.” We had experienced how the gay community operated like an extended family when we attended an “out” celebration at college last autumn, and ever since that day have been in awe of the deep sense of belonging that gay people share with each other.

Just in case you’re wondering, we didn’t spend any part of our wedding night with family. I will spare you the details, but like Father Wallace had assured us: words cannot begin to adequately describe the thrill of our first night together. We had no regrets to live down, no memories of the past to try to forget, no embarrassment over who we were; it was pure unadulterated pleasure …It was like the thrill of unwrapping a Christmas gift and finding something you never even dared to hope for. I will never forget that night for as long as I live.

The next evening we went out on the town to celebrate with family. We were surprised to see Jake, the young man we had met at our bachelor’s party in Providence with another young man. As soon as he saw us, he practically dragged his friend over to greet us, and introduced us to Aiden.

“Aiden, these are the guys I told you about: Elijah and Phillip.”

“How did you say you got to know them?” Aiden asked suspiciously.

“Thursday was the first time I worked up enough nerve to go out to a bar. I was scared crazy, and these guys invited me to join them at their table. I never expected to meet two Christian guys there.”

“So how can a guy be gay and Christian at the same time,” he asked, a deep furrow of skepticism marking his brow.

“By honoring each other the way God wants two people to honor each other.”

“Yeah, but I thought those crazy people hated us queers.”

Elijah spoke up before I had a chance to think of a comeback to his comment.

“Phil says that God doesn’t see people as male of female the way most of those ‘crazy people’ think he does. He sees people as people, and then asks them to treat each other with respect.”

“Oh,” Aiden said, like he understood what Elijah was telling him, “So you’re saying, God is okay with gay people?”

“I’m just saying that as long as you follow God’s way for building a relationship, I don’t believe he’s bothered by whether your partner is male or female.”

“Garth,” Jake interrupted, “These guys have never seen each other naked. Can you believe that?”

“How do you know if you’re gay then,” Aiden asked. “I mean, excuse me for asking, but if you’ve never made it with someone, how do you know for sure you’re gay?”

Elijah looked at me and smiled. “Aiden,” I interjected, “How did you know you were gay?”

“I guess I kind of figured I might be, so one night when I was over at my one friend’s house I worked up the nerve to ask him if I could do some research. Next day, he said he had no doubts about me, and that if I promised not to ever tell anyone, he’d let me sharpen my skills anytime I wanted to. That’s when I knew for sure.”

“Well, then,” I answered him, “last night we found out for sure that we’re both gay.”

Jake’s face immediately clouded over at the realization that Elijah and I had apparently been to bed together. “I… I thought you guys told me that because you were Christians you weren’t going to do that.”

“Actually, Jake, Elijah’s my husband now. …and by the way, he’s Jewish.” Then I held up my left hand to show off my gleaming wedding band. “We got married yesterday, bud. We’re allowed to do that stuff now.”

“What?”

“The other night when we met you? I guess you missed the reason why everyone was celebrating. That was our bachelor’s party, doofus. We both changed our last name to Cohson.”

Jake looked at us uncomprehendingly.

“Cohson; as in the first part of Elijah’s last name – Cohen; and the last part of mine – Johnson.”

“No way,” Jake almost shouted, and then got up and made a beeline across the room.

We watched as he caught the bartender’s attention and then leaned across the bar. Next thing we knew, the bartender was shouting, “Everyone, let me have your attention for a moment.” The music died down and everyone in the room grew silent.

“It’s been brought ta my attention that we’ve two special guests in attendance t’night. Right over at that table, sit two fine gentlemen who ‘ave pledged their love ta each other just yesterday. Everyone give it up fer the newlyweds who are celebratin’ their honeymoon with us. A round of drinks on the house in honor of Mr. Elijah, and Mr. Phillip Cohson.

The cheers were deafening.

I could feel my ears burning as Elijah grabbed my hand, lifted me to my feet, and with passion, attacked my lips.

“Who would like ta raise a toast to the sweethearts?” the bartender asked.

Jake needed no prodding, immediately jumping onto a barstool, and lifting his glass of ginger ale into the air.

“To the glory of God, to understanding, and to a new day of tolerance!” he cried out.

“Here, here,” everyone in the room replied.

We clinked our glasses together and drank the toast.

As we were sitting back down, in our chairs, we heard first one, then two, and then an entire roomful of glasses clanging loudly. Elijah and I looked to each other, knowing what they wanted to see. There hadn’t been any glass clanking at our wedding reception, and well, frankly, while understanding why it hadn’t happened, I had been a bit disappointed that those in attendance hadn’t set aside their discomfort for at least one kiss. We stood there at our table and obliged. We kissed long and hard amidst catcalls and whistles. …and continued kissing until someone finally shouted “Get a room.” I took my lover’s hand and pulled him toward the door.

“That’s the best advise I’ve heard all night,” I shouted above the fray.

Strolling along the dimly lit street, holding my mate’s hand, I asked, “Do you think that when King Solomon wrote about the four things he couldn’t understand,[4] that he had any idea that the mystery of the way of a man with a maiden could be the same for two men?”

“It’s taivah, Sunshine of My Night. Even the wisest man to ever live couldn’t understand what it was. …but maybe his dad knew a little about that. The prophet Samuel wrote that King David’s love for Jonathan ‘was more wonderful than the love of a woman.’[5] I’ve never loved a woman Phillip, but I can’t imagine that my love could be greater for anyone than it is for you.”

“Likewise for me ‘Lij, and at the moment I feel like it’s getting the upper hand on me. Why don’t we go back to the hotel and take care of it?”

His kiss was tender as we stood under the street lamp for a moment. To think, I considered myself  Almost Straight a year-and-a-half ago. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the events of the past two years happening to me. After God lifted me out of my self-destructive ways at the age of fifteen, I had tried to bury my feelings of desire for guys – waiting for the day that God would finally set me free from what I thought must surely be a curse. If I’m honest about it, though, I can see now that my falling in love with a beautiful girl helped me to see the real curse: Had Shelly said yes to my question that day, I may never have known the fulfillment of true love in a relationship the way God intended for his children to experience. The New Testament uses three different words to describe love: sacrificial, brotherly, and erotic. Shelly was absolutely right when she told me that love without passion would not make for a great marriage. I see that so clearly now, because I see the entire scope of God’s love in Elijah and my relationship. Ou-la-la!

Who would have guessed that God himself who would use ordinary people to show me the truth? The truth is: God is love. I no longer believe that me being married to a guy is sin, but for those who do, I say this: the bible commands us ‘Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.’[6]

~End~