Chapter 25

`  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: Sammy was right about mom thinking that Elijah and I were like his classmate Leroy. Why does everyone think that if you’re gay you must be a slut? After her high school career, she certainly has no right to be throwing that in anyone’s face.

Good, bad, or indifferent, Elijah and I have decided that this week is going to be our “out” tour. We talked about it and decided to just get it out of the way. He asked me if I was really sure. I am. I can’t believe that after five years of believing it was wrong in God’s eyes, I’m now telling everyone who’ll listen that I was the one who was wrong.

I wonder how dad and Alicia are going to handle it when we tell them tomorrow. Elijah is already dreading the weekend. He told his mom he was staying at a friend’s house nearby, and would stop by to visit them on Sunday before we headed back to school. He made me laugh when he mimicked her saying, “So what, bar-David? We’re not good enough that you can bring your friend and stay with us? You be here before Shabbat begins on Friday, and stay until Sunday, Elijah. You’ll show us a little respect.”

We haven’t decided when to tell them about us. If we wait until after the Sabbath, they’ll expect us to share Elijah’s room on Friday night. That could be a major problem because there’s only one double bed in his room. On the other hand, if we do tell them Friday, at the beginning of the day of rest, it’s not likely they’ll get any.

Honesty time: The world be damned, I’m G-A-Y, hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! (I can’t believe I just wrote that)

What I learned: When I face up to something I dread – like bringing my boyfriend home to meet the family – and just force myself to do it, the end result is peace inside of me.

I Elijah Cohen  ; p

`  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `  `

“I wish you wouldn’t tell your father,” my mom said as we were about to leave. “What point is there in telling others what they don’t need to know?”

“Mom?” I asked, waiting for her to look at me. She only glanced at me for a moment before looking down again. “You know how gay people have gay pride events?”

She and Ed both fixed their gaze, dread plainly written on both their faces. I chuckled, wondering if they expected me to tell them Elijah and I were planning to make the evening news, dressed in drag.

“You think we want to embarrass you, don’t you.”

“No, Phillip, it’s not that. It’s just…” Her words trailed off.

“It’s just what? That you want us to hide who God made us to be all our lives?”

Mom grimaced. That’s exactly what she was hoping for, I thought.

“All through high school, and the first two years of college, I did exactly what you’re telling me to do: keep the feelings of who I knew I was hidden deep inside. I didn’t make any waves because I was so ashamed of even thinking about it.” I searched their eyes for understanding, but found none. “I’m proud of who I am, mom. I love Elijah – a man. I can’t explain why, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time wishing God had made me any different than he has. We’re gay. It’s who we are and we’re not going to hide it from anyone.”

“Phillip, please try to understand. You’re right to not be ashamed if that’s what you believe. But people…” Again her thought was left incomplete.

“But people what, mom? People don’t want to accept that someone’s different than they are? Is that why everyone shies away from Bobby Swartz? …because they don’t know how to handle talking to a thirty year old man with the intellect of a fourth grader? Do you think he ever wishes he were ‘normal’?

“I just don’t think you should cast your pearls before swine[1], Phillip.”

I heard them both sigh as I took Elijah’s hand and stormed out the door.

“Phillip,” my dad, bellowed as he drew me into a bear hug. “Good ta see ya. This must be yer mate then?” he said shaking Elijah’s hand with vigor.

I saw Elijah staring at my ears, and knew they must be blazing. How in world could he possibly have known?

“Dad this is my friend Elijah Cohen. H… how’d you know about us?”

When I saw the confused look on his face and remembered that he had moved to the United States from Belfast at the age of sixteen, I hoped I hadn’t just spilled the proverbial pot of beans.

“Well who else would  he be if he’s not yer mate, then?”

“Just kidding you,” I laughed, but I saw Alicia looking at me. She hadn’t missed the implication of what I had just said, and when she saw that I knew she had caught it, she replaced the look of horror that was on her face with a warm smile, and invited us in.

All during dinner I was distracted because of my step-mom’s frequent glances at the two of us sitting next to each other at the table.

Already stuffed beyond comfort, Alicia set a freshly baked cherry pie on the table and began cutting it. I swallowed hard and looked over to Elijah. He raised his eyebrows acknowledging that he was ready.

“Jesus, God!”

“Chad! What did I tell ye son about usin’ that kind o’ language.

Alicia caught dad’s attention and steered his eyes toward my and Elijah’s interlaced fingers lying on the table top.

“Well then,” was all dad managed to mutter before running out of words to say.

“Dad, Alicia,” I said in turn, looking each of them in the eye as I addressed them, “I thought you should know something about me I’ve never told you. I’m gay, dad. Elijah’s my boyfriend.”

You could have heard a pin drop before Alicia broke the tension.

“Anyone care for ice cream on their pie?” she asked, hastily retreating to the refrigerator.

“Ou-u-u-u-uh!” Liza spat as her whole body shook in revulsion. “No thanks,” she said as she grabbed Chad’s arm and pulled him out of the dining room.

Mom greeted us as we walked into the kitchen. “You’re home kind of early.”

One look at my face and she was pulling me into her arms. “O-o-o-oh, honey.”

“Go ahead and say it,” I pined into her ear.

“It”

“That’s not funny.”

“Phillip, I told you not to tell people who don’t need to know about your personal life.” She had a huge grin on her face.

“Go ahead and laugh, mom. Tell me again how I always think I know better than you.”

“No Phillip. You’re an adult now. I’m willing to accept that you know better what’s right for your life than I do.”

She smiled as she studied my perplexing look.

“Mom, what?” I asked, sensing that something had changed drastically with her while we were visiting my dad. She smiled at Elijah too. …not just a wan little acknowledgement of pity either – it was like she suddenly decided to accept us for who we told her we were.

She pulled me to her bosom and spoke softly over my shoulder.

“I’ve spent the time you two were away on my knees, Phillip. I looked at those scriptures you showed me and tried to be open-minded. I have to admit, though, I still can’t see in them what you see, but one thing God showed me very clearly is that ‘loving our neighbor as ourselves’[2] is the second greatest commandment the Lord gave to us, and that command has nothing to do with agreeing on a few scripture verses. As much as I’ve always seen you as my son, God helped me to see that you’re also my neighbor. …and my brother in the Lord. So if all of God’s laws hinge on us loving Him with all our heart, and loving our neighbor as ourselves, then I don’t think I should make an issue of it.

And that goes for you too, Elijah,” she said, as for the first time since we arrived, she welcomed him into her life with a kiss on the cheek. I’m honored that you’re a part of our lives.

I let them embrace for a moment and then joined them. I don’t know when I felt more love and acceptance than I felt in those few minutes.

Friday afternoon, before making the forty-five minute trip to Elijah’s home in Conshohocken, Sammy pulled me into his room to talk again.

“Phil, one of the things Mr. Thompson told us we needed to do if we were serious about waiting until we’re married, is that we had to find someone we could trust to be our accountability partner. He told us that if we knew someone who we couldn’t lie to, and would ask us if we were keeping our promise to God, we were much more likely to make it. I’ve been thinking about who I could trust to do that, and well… Would you like call me every week and ask me? I can ask you too if you want me to.”

“Sam, I’d be honored. …and if you really don’t think you’d mind doing it, I’d appreciate if you’d ask me the same questions. It’d be good to have someone keeping check with me so I don’t ever forget my promise.”

I gave him a tap on the arm with my fist and he smiled a big smile.

“Can I ask you one more question, Phil?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think it’s a lack of faith if a person feels like they should carry a… a… you know… protection?”

“Like a condom?”

Sam’s face – and ears – turned crimson.

“That’s what they teach us in Health class.”

“I see you got the family genes too.”

“What d’you mean?”

“Your ears turn red just like mine do. That’s how Shelly knew I was pervin’ on Elijah.”

“Well… I mean Mr. Thompson said if you carried one with you, it would be like you were planning to break your promise.”

“He told us the same thing,” I said as I pulled my wallet out and pressed the condom Andrew had tossed to me before my big date with Shelly, into his hand. “You know how mom always says two wrongs don’t make a right?”

Sammy nodded as he pulled out his wallet and hid the plastic packet behind his student ID card.

“Well the way I see it, if you make a mistake, and get yourself beyond the point where you think you can turn back, it’s much better if you don’t make a second mistake that could cost you your life, or bring a life into existence you’re not prepared to support. You remember my friend Alex Harper?”

“He’s the guy that stayed with us for a while.”

“That’s the one. Well, he made that mistake twice. Alex has AIDS Sammy… and he got his girlfriend pregnant before they got married.”

My words stunned, Sammy.

“He has AIDS?”

“It’s not AIDS yet, but he’s got the virus that causes it. No one should be forced to make that mistake by telling them they don’t have enough faith.”

“Thanks, Phil. That’s kind of how I see it too.”

 “Dude, get Ed and mom to bring you up to campus for a weekend this summer so we can hang out and talk some more. I just found out I got an internship in State College, so I’m getting an apartment with some guys and staying up there.”

Sam stood a while longer looking like there was something else on his mind, so I waited for him to talk.

“Do you really only like Elijah?”

“What do you mean?”

“I keep thinking about Leroy…”

“…and you still think that’s how all gay guys are,” I finished for him.

“Look. How many girls are there at school?”

“I don’t know … a couple of hundred?”

“How many of them would you say are good lookers?”

“A few”

“And how many of them besides Rachael May do you want to ask out on a date?”

His face instantly turned a deep magenta.

“I guess only Rachael”

“Well I only like Elijah. I’m not interested in guys. I’m interested in him. That doesn’t mean I never look at another guy and think he’s good lookin’, but there’s only one guy who’s special enough for me to want to date him.”

“Sorry, Phil, it’s just… Well, mom left out a book she was reading. It’s called ‘Straight & Narrow?’[3]. I read some of it one day before she came home from work. The guy who wrote it said that almost every gay guy takes drugs, and drinks, and gets diseases all the time. It seemed like he thought it’s because what they’re doing is against God’s design for people, so God’s against them and gives them over to all sorts of evil things, like it says in the book of Romans.”

“She sent a copy of it to me too …pretty graphic. I’m sure the guy must have researched the subject pretty well, but I have to wonder if he ever really tried to understand why so many gay people do those things. Sam, did you ever stop and think how lonely it is for guys who would just like to go out on a date but are afraid to because they’re gay? …about how much pressure it puts on someone when they feel like everyone thinks there must be something wrong with them because of something they can’t help?

“I kind of, think that’s why some guys get caught up in that kind of lifestyle. They’re just trying to prove to everyone that they’re as good as, or better than the next guy. When they’re with friends they do anything their friends do just for acceptance. Then when their friends aren’t around, they go out on the sly and just take whatever they can get. Maybe they’re just afraid to get involved in a relationship with another guy. Sam, they never get a chance to be themselves because almost no one sees being gay as normal.”

“How can it be normal?”

“Let me ask you a personal question first, then I’ll answer your question if you still need to know. What made you decide Rachael May was ‘the one’ you were interested in getting to know on a personal level?”

“I don’t know. I just kind noticed her is all.”

“Think about it Sam, because that’s exactly my point. You just like her. You didn’t do anything to try and like her, it just happened. It’s called chemistry, bud.”

“You’re saying you just liked Elijah like that when you got to know him?”

“Even before I got to know him. I don’t know why, but the instant he walked onto the court to give me my first tennis lesson, my heart started doing backflips. I never did feel like that with Michelle. With her it was like the process of elimination. She was the only one who was a good enough friend to even consider marrying. I was so scared of what people would think if they found out I was gay – especially God – but real love sometimes forces you to work through things you don’t understand.”