Chapter 19

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I can’t believe how fast these past two weeks have flown by. I hope I don’t get too far behind on my class work, but ever since Elijah told me to research other viewpoints on the scriptures, I can’t seem to spend enough time doing it.

I found a website today which listed a church right here in State College that believes in Christian diversity regarding relationships. I still can’t see how anyone could take that point of view. Maybe I’ll go there Sunday and see if I can talk to the pastor about it.

Shelly asked me if Elijah and I would go clubbing with her and Alejandro on Friday. I told her that we weren’t dating, and she reminded me that she and I went lots of places together before we had dated. Point made, but it still seems like it would be a date if we went with them.

Honesty time: I think Shelly thinks Elijah and I should admit we’re dating. If he were a girl, I’d definitely consider it. Since he’s not, it just seems too weird to think about. We’re definitely good friends though.

What I learned: You don’t need to call it a date in order to go out and have a good time with a friend. I told Shelly “maybe,” as long as Elijah doesn’t mind.

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Saturday, February 7 (entry for the 6th), 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I got in at four o’clock this morning. It still hurts to see Shelly and Alejandro having so much fun together. I guess it’s the right thing to do to wish them well, but I still don’t understand exactly why she wouldn’t marry me. I think she believes that just because I look at Elijah maybe more than I should, that God can’t make things work out for us. We could make it work if she’d just give it another chance.

At least I got to dance with her a couple of times.

Honesty time: I’m still jealous of that Spanish jockstrap. If Shelly ever shows up with a diamond on her finger, I know I’m not going to be able to keep myself from asking her if she made Alejandro kiss a guy before she said yes. (I saw him and Elijah dancing together when I was dancing with Shelly.)

What I learned: I need to check out the Contemporary Eucharist (not sure exactly what a Eucharist is) at the Episcopal Church tomorrow evening. I need to talk to someone who understands where I’m coming from before I go off the deep end.

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“Hello young man,” a portly middle aged woman with obviously dyed hair and too much perfume, greeted me as I walked through the front doors to the Episcopal Church on Sunday afternoon. “I’m Alice Wirth. Welcome to St. Andrews.”

I nervously shook her hand.

“I… I’m a Christian. I go to school here. I just came to see what your church is like.”

“Well then, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the worship service. It’s geared especially for young people. They’ve even got drums for the singing part of the service” she crowed as she proceeded to walk me to the sanctuary entrance and tell me to take any seat I wanted.

I sat near the aisle toward the rear of the sanctuary even though there weren’t many people in attendance. I kind of got a little nervous when a guy my age looked back like he was checking me out, then stood up and moved to the same pew I was sitting in.

I tried to ignore him, but I could feel him looking at me. I turned my head to nod hello. “God, don’t let him start hitting on me,” I prayed silently.

“Please, God,” I begged more earnestly as he slid across the pew, closing the gap between us.

“Hi, I’m Austin Landis. …I haven’t seen you here before.” His nasally sounding voice and pronounced lisp made my skin crawl.

“Um… Yeah. Is this your church?”

“No, I just come here sometimes.”

“Like when you want to pick someone up for the night,” I thought to myself.

“I’m not really into formal church services, but they’ve got a pretty cool focus group that meets here.”

“The website said this is supposed to be a contemporary service,” I informed Austin, not sure of his “formal church services” comment.

“Yeah, that just means they don’t play the pipe organ. It’ll be over in an hour. You want to grab some pizza after the service? We could head over to Romano’s. I think I’ve seen you there already.”

“I used to go there a lot.”

“Is that your girlfriend you’re always sitting with? She’s kind of cute.”

“Just a good friend.”

The service was kind of interesting, but I understood totally Austin’s comment about it being formal.

“We’ll have to walk to Romano’s, unless you’ve got a car,” he whispered to me as the last line of the closing song ended. I had kind of hoped he’d forgotten about hanging out. Oh well, maybe I can ask him about the Rector, as they called their Pastor.

“So, what program do they have here that you’re interested in?” I asked as we exited the building. Austin’s face began to turn ruddy.

“You ever hear of Integrity?” he asked.

“Not really,” I lied. Actually, I had checked it out thoroughly several times in the past week, but didn’t want him to get the idea that I was a piece of fresh meat, because judging by his mannerisms and speech, it was very obvious to me he was gay.

“Um… Well it’s kind of geared toward a group of people who don’t fit into other churches very well.”

“Gay people?”

“Exactly. They…”

“…affirm diversity,” I interrupted him with the politically correct jargon. “That’s sort of a different viewpoint than my church back home has on people who claim to be Christian and live in sin.”

“What do you mean by living in sin?” he asked like he had no clue what I was talking about.

“Like you know …guys who say they’re Christians and then they live immorally by having a boyfriend.”

“Just having a boyfriend isn’t immoral or a sin,” he shot back at me as if I were a dentist and had just drilled into a nerve.

“True, but what do they do when no one’s around? That’s definitely considered sin in my bible.”

“How do you know what anyone does in their private life?”

His words pricked my conscience – but what else would two gay guys do in private?

“What about guys in committed relationships who want to get married but aren’t allowed too? I don’t believe in the idea that just because you don’t have a piece to paper in your hand that the state recognizes, you can’t be married in God’s eyes.”

I looked around to see if anyone was watching, as Austin was rather animatedly preaching to me.

“Whoa” I said taking hold of his arm with my hand. “I’m not arguing with you. I was just stating what I know.”

“Sorry, it’s just that I get upset when Christians think it’s their moral duty to set other people straight when they don’t have all the facts. …and I’m not even gay.”

I felt my brow lift as I looked at him.

“People think that anyone with a speech impediment is gay just because of how they talk. That’s part of the reason why I feel like I need to defend others who are gay.

“You have any gay friends?” he asked me, as if it really didn’t matter to him.

“Yeah, but I’m not the one who has to stand before God someday and give an account for their life.”

Austin and I walked in silence for a while before he asked point blank if I was gay.

“Why would you ask that?” I shot off at him, a bit of an edge in my voice. “I mean, you saw me with my girlfriend. …my former girlfriend that is.”

He shrugged and we kept walking. My need to level with someone about my struggle seemed to increase with each step we took. Maybe he really isn’t gay. I decided to take a chance.

“Actually, Shelly, that’s the girl you saw me with …well she thought I might be. That’s why she wouldn’t say yes when I asked her to marry me.”

“She thought you were gay?”

“That’s what she said.”

“You wanted to marry her?”

“Yeah”

“That must’ve really been hard.”

“Big time” I lamented as my thoughts drifted to Shelly and Alejandro dancing together Friday night. “She’s got a new boyfriend. I guess I should be happy for her, but I’m just really confused about the whole thing.”

“Was she right?”

“About?”

“About you being gay… Are you?”

“I can’t be,” I sighed, my voice trailing off. “Look, Austin… the reason she said that is because there’s this guy. It’s like we were old friends from the first time we met each other, and I think she thought it meant we had, …you know… like feelings for each other.”

“…and?”

“And what?”

“You think your girlfriend was right? I mean, do you have feelings for each other?”

“I think he likes me that way, but… I don’t know. I guess, sort of. It’s not like I try to.”

“You like him though.”

“As a friend”

“Is he gay?”

“That’s the problem. If he wasn’t, I don’t think I’d be having the thoughts about him like I do.”

“You’re afraid of thinking about him being more than just a friend?”

“Sometimes, but I think things like that are choices God puts in your life, expecting you to do the right thing no matter how you feel.”

“That’s too bad.”

“What’s too bad?”

“That you feel like that.”

“I wish it was different, but I guess it’s just that that’s how I see the bible.”

“You need to go to Integrity.”

“Why, so they can brain wash me into thinking sin’s okay?”

“Not at all. Sometimes a person bases their beliefs on the first thing they hear about a subject. What Integrity does is help guys like you to see that there’re two sides to every coin.”

“That doesn’t make both sides right. In the end, if you call heads and it comes down tails, you lose.”

“In the end,” Austin asserted, “a nickel’s still a nickel no matter how it falls.”

“Austin, it’s not that easy. What would you do if you thought you loved someone so much you were willing to lay aside all your other feelings in order to marry her and then she told you no?”

“Sometimes other people can see things in us that we don’t want to admit to ourselves. I think after I got over the disappointment, I’d thank her for loving me more than I loved myself. Then I’d ask my friend if he wanted to go out for a latte to discuss what you’re feeling.”

“I just can’t seem to accept that I would somehow be like that. I gave my life to God and have tried to let him lead me in his ways. Why doesn’t he change that part of me?”

“Maybe he has other plans for your life. …like maybe you don’t know God as well as you think you do. You should talk to Father Wallace. He’s like an intern at St. Andrews. He leads the Integrity group that meets at the church. Phil, that’s exactly what the group is for – to help guys understand what God sees as sin, and what he doesn’t see as sin.

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I shouldn’t have gone to that church service today. I keep wanting to have someone tell me I’m right about believing that it’s a sin to be gay, so why did I even go there if that’s what I really wanted to hear?

I am soooooooo ready for break. This is definitely my hardest semester so far. I sure hope Elijah’s being honest with me about his intentions on what we’re gonna be doing in Daytona Beach. I feel like I can trust him. Even if we can’t ever be more than friends, he’s definitely the kind of friend I want to have.

Honesty time: I think I really want someone to show me that I’m wrong – that somehow I’ve misunderstood where God stands on the same sex relationship issue.

What I learned: Some people like Austin actually believe being gay isn’t a sin. I can’t believe he’s not gay. If I were a betting man, I’d bet he’s just in the closet, and that’s why he thinks it’s okay. Maybe I’ll work up enough nerve to talk with Pastor Wallace about it sometime.