Chapter 18

“What’s up with you?” Shelly asked as I walked toward her on my way to class Monday morning.

“What?” I asked, feeling my face warming a bit.

“Your hair? …and that smile. I haven’t seen you smiling like that since Christmas break.”

“You like it?” I asked raising my hand to touch my new doo. “Elijah showed me how to do it this way.”

“Well… It definitely looks good on you, but to be honest, I always liked you looking like a fuzzy teddy bear.”

“When have you ever seen a bright orange Teddy bear?”

“The first one was my freshman year. Cutest, cuddliest, teddy bear I’ve ever seen too. I’m thinking I might try to cash in on the idea for my senior marketing project next year,” she said ruefully as she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

“Shelly,” a voice called from somewhere behind me. “I’ve been looking for you.”

I watched as Shelly turned away, smiling bashfully.

“Oh, hey,” the guy said to me as I turned to see who it was. “You must be Filipé,” he said, as if we had already met. “I’m Alejandro Peńa.”

“The lacrosse player?” I asked, somewhat astonished.

“Yeah, Michelle told me you’re the reason she messed up my lacrosse jersey by having your name pressed on the back of it. Johnson, right?”

“Ah, yeah. So… like how do you know Shelly?”

“We’re in a marketing class together. She says it might be fun to double date with you and your boyfriend sometime, but I don’t know, man…”

“You’re dating Shelly?” I asked, even more surprised than before.

“Since two weeks ago. I had to practically beg her to get her to go out with me.”

Glancing at Shelly, I could see she was really uncomfortable.

“I don’t have any boyfriend,” I spat at him while looking at Shelly. “And just for the record, I’m not dating anyone at the moment,” I growled as I made my getaway.

The stark reality of what had just happened hit me like a slap in the face when I got about fifty feet away from them. It was outright rage at having someone I loved and respected spreading rumors about my supposed sexuality. I enjoyed spending time with Elijah, but I still thought about Michelle – still hoped we would drift back together. That would sure make my life a whole lot easier. Even though I thought I heard the Lord telling me it was okay for me to like Elijah the way I did, I never really stopped believing that what God wanted the most for me was to be straight.

By the time I reached the steps in front of the science building, I could hardly see through my bleary eyes. Rather than climb them, I turned and slumped onto the cold cement and bent forward to hide my eyes.

I shouldn’t have crashed so close to where I had met them, because it was too easy for Shelly to find me. I looked up when someone sat beside me. Shelly pulled me into warm embrace.

“You told him I was gay?”

“It wasn’t like you think, Phillip. He saw me crying before class. He knew we had been dating, and he thought that maybe you had done something to hurt me. I think he would have beaten you up if you had,” she chuckled. “When I told him I was upset because we had broken things off, he asked if it was because of ‘that tennis guy’ he’d seen you hanging out with.”

“Oh god, Shelly …Are we that obvious?”

“I meant to tell you about him, Carrots. I felt so guilty when he asked me. I even thought about asking your permission before I said I’d go out with him,” she said, a hint of exasperation in her voice. “How messed, is that? I mean you’re not my dad.” She pulled my face toward her so I was looking into her eyes. “We tried, Phillip. God knows we both tried so hard to make it work. Please try to understand. I need more than a best friend to spend my life with. I need someone I’ll have to beat off with a stick once in a while,” she said, giggling, trying to make it seem okay that she had moved on. “I’ll always love you like you were my brother, Phillip, but please let go of me.”

“It’s just so hard, Shelly,” I said as my gaze drifted back to the pavement. “I still love you. I think about you all the time. We could make it work. I know God will make me feel like that toward you if you just give us a little more time.”

“Please don’t make me feel guilty because I have feelings for someone who watches me the way you watch Elijah. Please?” She lifted my chin. “Elijah watches you like that too Phillip. You have to see it when you look at him. He adores you. You’re right for each other, Carrots. Don’t break his heart.”

I didn’t know what else to do, so I leaned toward Shelly, my lips parted, prepared to show her passion like I never had. She began to lean forward too, but then she suddenly looked flustered and ran away. Her slight hesitation before she fled though, gave me an inkling of hope that maybe it wasn’t completely over between us.

I got up and headed for the men’s room to wash the gel out of my hair. I had to push the button on the sanitary hand dryer four times before my hair was finally standing at teddy bear attention once more. I didn’t care if Elijah liked it gelled and spiked, Shelly liked it soft and fluffy, and it was her attention I suddenly wanted more than anyone else’s. I’ll be her irresistible teddy bear if that’s what she wants. I’ll watch for her wherever I go. If she wants to have to beat someone off with a stick, then it might just as well be me.

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Monday, January 25, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I’m going to win Shelly back. Seeing that lacrosse player drooling over her made me mad. What’s he got that I haven’t got besides a dimple in his cheek? I don’t understand why God let this happen to us in the first place, but I am not going down without a fight. I can’t believe I actually gave in and kissed Elijah. I should have known women like men to be strong. I caved in and did it because I thought she’d see that I’d do anything for her. What an idiot I was. I see now what her test really was. If she thinks for a minute I’m just going to sit back and let Mr. Ali-Bean-Pole take my place without a fight, she’s got another thing coming.

Honesty time: Mom was right about having close friends who aren’t Christian. Elijah’s pulling me down just like she warned me.

What I learned: I can’t believe I let him play with my hair again last night – only queers play with other guy’s hair.

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Lord, I only have one prayer tonight: please open Shelly’s eyes so she can see how much she needs me. Amen

I was miserable that night. I tried to concentrate on studying for an upcoming test, but in my mind, I was formulating the rough outline of a plan for winning Shelly back. I had a nagging feeling in my gut that God wasn’t the inspiration of it, but I pressed on anyway.

My roommate, Andrew brought a girl back to the room with him. When I looked at him with a ‘man I am so not in the mood for this tonight’ kind of stare, he shrugged like he was a bit confused.

“Dude, you don’t have leave. Now that I know you’re harmless, I’m cool with you bein’ here if you want. Maybe you can learn something by watching how it’s supposed to be done.” Then without skipping a beat, he turned to his catch of the day and explained. “I just found out my roomies got a limp wrist.” A wave of his hand made it perfectly clear to her that he meant I was gay. “He’s totally harmless. He’ll probably just watch reruns of Three’s Company while we’re over here doing our thing.”

“Fuck you asshole!” The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about whether or not I should say them. “I am not gay, have never been gay, and never will be gay. … and I’m not a fornicator either, unlike some people I know.”

“Whoa,” was Andrew’s response. “…religion with an edge. Dude, are you not the one I heard telling someone on the phone last Saturday that you kissed some guy and liked it?”

“I said it was real.”

“…and your point is?”

“Look, my point is: it’s none of your freakin’ business, but if you must know, I asked my girl-friend to marry me last Christmas Eve. She said ‘yes,’ but then she told me she’d only put on the ring if I took her up on a dare. …and that dare was that I kiss my tennis instructor once. That’s what you overheard me talking about on the phone when I said it was real. I never freaking would’ve kissed any guy on lips if it wasn’t for her making me do it. It was just a dare, A-hole.”

I could have screamed when he casually asked, “So did she put the ring on after you did it?” like he didn’t believe a word I’d just said.

I turned quickly to hide my face from them, feeling hot tears suddenly flooding my eyes. “Not yet,” I mumbled.

“Let him alone, Andrew. Come on, maybe I can talk Sue into sleeping next door. She owes me anyway.”

“You don’t freakin’ need to leave,” I yelled at them. “I’m out of here, but you owe me for this, Andrew.”

“Lord,” I whispered under my breath, as I grabbed my hoodie, and slammed the door closed behind me, “I can’t take this anymore. Just keep me safe, Lord, ‘cause I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight.”

Actually, I knew exactly what I was going to do. It was after eleven when I made my way into the frigid night air, wearing just a pair of jeans and a hoodie over top of my tee shirt. I quickly scanned the area for signs of a party, and when I didn’t see any, I found myself in the bookstore coffee shop. The guys at the next table had a flask of something, so I held my latte toward them and asked if they’d mind topping it off with whatever it was they were drinking. It must have been something potent, because it burned my throat as I swallowed.

Not feeling the effects of the alcohol yet, I held my half empty cup out toward them again, and asked for more.

“Sorry, man, all out,” he said as he upended the flat silver bottle above my cup to show me it was dry. “We were just planning on goin’ out to light up. Want to join us?”

“All I got’s this hoodie,” I told him, tugging the front of the sweatshirt. “It’s freakin’ cold out there.”

“Zimmie,” another guy asked. “You got that extra down parka with ya? …the one that rolls up into a little ball.”

“Never leave home without it. Mommy says I might need it sometime,” he said rather sarcastically, as the table erupted into laughter.

“Carson,” the guy with the bottle introduced himself, holding out his hand toward me.

“Phil,” I somberly replied.

“You look like shit, man. What happened? You’re woman tell you she’s late?”

“Worse”

“She said no?”

Raucous laughter again filled the room.

“Yeah,” I answered without thinking what he was really asking.

“If you’re that hard up, I can give you the phone number of a skank who’s always looking for some action.”

“No-o-o,” I whined. “She told me she wouldn’t marry me.”

“Why would you want to get married while you’re still in college?”

The balled up down parka hit me in the gut like a football.

“Come on guys, let’s go,” the guy they called Zimmie said, standing to his feet.

I was hardly through the door before a smoldering hand-rolled joint was thrust at me.

“What are you going to do when someone you’re with hands you a lit joint, Phil?” The words of my step-father raced through my mind as I took a pull. “Get stoned,” I said out loud, as if everyone around me knew the question I was answering.

“What are you mumbling about?” Carson asked.

“I was just telling my step-dad what I was going to do when someone hands me a lighted jay: get stoned.”

“Oh my God, I thought my mom was the only one in the world that archaic. She actually thinks I spend all my time studying.”

It had been almost five years since I had taken my last hit of anything, and I had braced myself for the reaction my lungs were sure to have. They screamed at me to exhale, my eyes watered as I fought it off. By the third hit, everything began to calm down. Other than an occasional hiccup, I was totally relaxed. I think the four of us were on our third or fourth joint before a guy named Bill joined us and began sharing his quart bottle of Absolute vodka. The only thing I remember after that is being helped into a warm building. I must have passed out almost immediately, and had no idea whose room I was in when I woke just before noon the next day.

Shame for what I had done to escape reality weighed heavily on my mind, but my resolve to pursue Shelly was stronger than ever. I didn’t even stay around until someone else awoke so I could at least tell them thanks. …thanks for what? I wondered to myself.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I’m going to get Shelly to see that I’m not the pansy-ass fairy she thinks I am. I do not look at Elijah the way she says I do. I think she’s just trying to justify her lust for her sports hero. And Elijah doesn’t look at me like she says he does either. He might be gay, but he knows where I stand. He’s starting to work on my nerves, too. He’s the real reason I got stoned last night.

Honesty time: This is becoming a freaking nightmare. I’m beginning to hate school, altogether.

What I learned: Nothing! Freakin’ nothing!

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Friday, January 29, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: God, I feel like such a jerk. I thought that knowing I was watching her all week would make her see how interested I am in us getting back together. She just pretended I didn’t even exist until I cornered her this afternoon.

Honesty time: I shouldn’t have trapped her like that and tried to kiss her. I guess if I would have been her, I would have slapped me too. What really hurt was when she accused me of stalking her.

What I learned: I don’t think she actually would call security, but I got her message, loud and clear. “IT”S OVER!” God, the whole campus must have heard her scream those words.

I can really see what mom told me about someone who’s not a Christian, dragging me down. It’s all Elijah’s fault that she did this to me to us. I don’t ever want to see his queer-ass face again.

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I stuffed the pen into my journaling book and was closing the cover when my phone rang.

“Elijah Cohen,” read the display.

I pressed “Ignore” and waited for a voicemail. Even though I had sent a text stating clearly that I didn’t want to see him anymore, I suddenly found that I wanted to hear a cheerful voice.

Instead of the chime letting me know I had a new message, he called again.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I scolded, raising the phone to my ear when he called for the third time.

“What,” I literally barked into the phone.

“I almost thought you lost your phone,” his bright sunshiny voice spoke into my ear. “I saw you at the bookstore Monday night. I was gonna come over and join you guys, but…

“Oh, hey, Elijah,” I interrupted, not wanting to get into what happened after he saw me that night.

“I know you said you were busy this weekend, but I haven’t seen you all week. What’s up with that? Anyway, I’ve got to let my uncle know if I I’m coming down to the condo over spring break. Did you get a chance to think about it?”

“I don’t know,” I answered weakly. “I don’t think it’d be a good idea.”

“If what would be a good idea? Getting away to the beach?”

“Not really that. I just don’t know if, after what happened in the car the other night, I want to risk getting myself in a situation I don’t want to be in. Look…” I hesitated, so unsure of what I really was thinking. “I’m trying to get back together with Michelle, and since she thinks…” I got up and look at Andrew’s bed to make sure he wasn’t lying there listening. “She thinks I’ve got the hots for you, or something. I just don’t think I should be spending my time with you while she thinks that.”

“Phillip, I… I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but she’s been hanging around one of the guys from the lacrosse team. …I mean like, really hanging around him. I don’t think…”

“I don’t care what you think, I…” My voice caught before I could say what I wanted to say. Truth is, I did care what Elijah thought. …and I think that was partly because I was also again beginning to fear that it really was over between Shelly and me.

“It hurts so bad,” I sobbed. “My whole life’s a waste.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve tried so hard to do what God wants me to do. Now it’s like everything I’ve tried to do to be normal is totally wasted. Honestly, I don’t even want to think about what might happen if we went away together. I don’t trust…” I couldn’t finish. I had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that what mom had warned me about him dragging me into sin, was going happen if I went to Daytona Beach with him. My fall from God’s grace would be complete by the time I returned to school. I would, just like every other gay guy I knew or had heard about, be living a double life: upright straight Christian man by day and flaming sinner by night.

“We’d have separate bedrooms if that’s what you’re worried about. And my uncle’s probably going to be there, so there’s not much risk anything even could happen. We would just be down there to party a little and catch some rays.”

My mind was swirling; one moment feeling like it would be a disaster waiting to happen, and the next, reasoning that it wouldn’t.

“We’d have separate rooms?” I asked, stalling for time.

“I wouldn’t even ask you if we didn’t,” he answered without pausing to think about it.

“No kissing?” I asked, suddenly making up my mind I should get away from everything.

“If that’s what you want.” Again, his response was immediate and without pause – like he cared about me and my convictions.

“I… I guess so”

“Excellent! I found tickets from Mid-State to Daytona Beach on the Internet for sixty-nine dollars one way. You want me to buy yours when I get mine so we can sit together?”

Hearing the number sixty-nine caused me to pause a moment. Could I really trust myself?

“You’re not planning on doing a lot of drinking, right?”

“I’m not into that, Phillip. Actually, I was hoping you wouldn’t be either. We could fly out Thursday the twelfth, and get back here in time for classes the seventeenth.”

“You want my credit card number?”

“Nah, I’ll get them and you can buy food until we’re even.”

The phone went silent, me not knowing what to say.

“Phillip, I’m thinking about going over to the bookstore for a coffee. If you’ve got a few minutes you could join me.”

“I don’t know,” I answered him. “What time? …just in case I can get away for a few minutes.”

“How ‘bout now?”

“Maybe”

When I arrived at the bookstore ten minutes later, Elijah was sitting at a table watching the door. His instantaneous smile, and the excitement on his face at seeing me, made me feel both happy and a bit uneasy. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him or his radiant face; it’s just that I didn’t want to see his face as being radiant. I didn’t want to be drawn to him like a moth to the flame. I still wanted it to be a girl that made me feel that way.

“So,” he said as I took a seat opposite him. “What’s this big project?”

“The project?”

“Yeah, the one that’s been keeping you tied up all week?”

I was suddenly tired of pretending.

“Trying to get my head screwed on straight,” I answered, looking at the cup of coffee my fidgeting hands were nervously rotating on the tabletop.

Elijah looked at me questioningly.

“Look,” I began. “Ever since my first tennis lesson, I’ve been struggling.”

“Is it something I said?”

“No, it’s just a personal problem.”

“I’m a good listener if you want to spill.”

“I don’t know. Well… I guess it’s how you make me feel.”

“I’m too direct,” he asserted. “My advisor told me I’m too competitive and don’t always let the person I’m instructing feel like they’re accomplishing enough. I promise to back it down a little, Phil. Sorry, man.”

“Elijah, it’s not that. It’s you …just you being you. For some reason just being near you makes me… I don’t know… I’m… I just think about things I shouldn’t think about when I’m with you. Look, maybe you’re okay with it, but I don’t believe it’s right for a person to be gay. …it’s wrong in God’s eyes.”

“Are you sure? Three years ago I felt the same way. But there was a guy in my class at high school who showed me some teachings that refuted the way some of those scriptures have traditionally been interpreted.”

I looked at him, my mom’s warning about having a non-Christian friend pulling me in to sin pricking my conscience. “Even your bible says that God created a woman to be with Adam.”

“I don’t deny that was his original plan, Phillip. All I’m telling you is to do a little research. There’re a lot of different perspectives on how Adam and Eve’s act of disobedience has affected mankind. Don’t let one singular viewpoint mold your entire belief system; I don’t believe the scriptures aren’t as clear about the subject as I once did.”

I shrugged my shoulders, and gave him a little grimace, but kept listening.

“Did you know that in the account of creation, when God looked over all the animals he created, he said that none were found as a suitable companion for Adam?”

“Yeah? Then he created Eve. …­a woman.”

“Are you sure that’s the entire truth?”

I looked across the table wondering where he was going with a story that was so cut and dried in my mind.

“He created another human, Phillip. A man with a womb – a womb-man, so that the earth could be populated with more people.”

“I don’t get it. Eve was still a woman.”

“God created a companion for Adam, Phillip, not just a sex partner. He could have filled the earth with people the same way he did with all the other animals and fish, but he didn’t. He wanted the earth to be filled with people that were born out of two people’s love for each other. To do that, he had to give Adam’s partner a womb.”

“A man with a womb,” I repeated. …a female”

“Right, but then man fell and God’s whole plan for mankind went south. From that time on, a lot of things in God’s creation haven’t gone the way they would have if Adam and Eve had never eaten the fruit. Maybe you and me being attracted to each other is how ‘the fall’ has affected us personally. I don’t think that means we should never have a suitable companion in this life, though. Maybe all it means for us is that our companion won’t have a womb.”