Chapter 17

“Dear Heavenly Father,” I prayed as I left my room, pillow and blanket in hand, “help me. I know that what I’m feeling right now can’t be from you. I do want to please you in everything – including my friendship with Elijah. Why is it so hard for me? Let me know that you love me by purifying my mind. Make my thoughts your thoughts, and my ways your ways.

It was a simple, heartfelt prayer. I rarely ever felt like I heard God answering my prayers directly, but as I found an open sofa in the student lounge to sack out on for the night, thoughts, as if they weren’t my own, began to flood my mind.

“Son,” the voice in my mind told me, “I want you to know that I do love you. I will never leave you alone, or tempt you beyond what you are able to deal with, and I want you to know that what happened tonight was a gift from me. Your differences, your enjoyments, even your thoughts, are guided by my creative hand, and what you are feeling for Elijah is not an abomination to me. You’re my beloved. Some of the things you experience in this life are perverted by Satan’s deception of my original creation, but you my son, by trusting in me for guidance, are not a perversion. Trusting in my providence, even when you don’t understand, is what walking by faith is all about. Walk in the way set before you, and keep yourself from sinning.”

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Dear journal,

Thoughts about today: I must be more messed up than I thought. It sure seemed like I was hearing from God, but what I thought I heard couldn’t possibly have been from him. I know Satan is the master of deception, but if it was him putting those thoughts in my head, why did I feel so peaceful afterwards? Lord, just in case it wasn’t you, I’m repenting of thinking those things. Help me to keep to what I know is true.

I like having Elijah as a friend. It’s like when Alex Harper and I used to hang out with each other in high school. Elijah made me laugh yesterday until my sides hurt. He even got me to taste an anchovy. That was gross, and he’s going to pay for it. I didn’t get mad at him when he slipped it into my mouth either. I just laughed. That is so not like me. Him spiking my hair with gel was weird, but it’s like I didn’t care. I just sat there and let him do it. I think I let him do it because I wanted him to keep touching me. Lord, I repent of that too.

Honesty time: I don’t know what I’m going to do about Elijah. Sometimes when I’m with him, my mind just automatically starts lusting for more than friendship. I’m not going to admit it to anyone, because I think it would show a lack of faith, but I kind of think that actually proves that for some reason I rally must be gay – I rebuke that thought.

Lord, I have to be honest here, so I’m just going to write this even though I know it’s wrong. I’m not sure I even want to pretend anymore that I’m not. I like Elijah as more than just a friend.

Father God, please forgive me, but if he ever asks me to kiss him again, I don’t think I’d be able to say no. Please don’t make me choose between you and him, okay Lord?

What I learned: Temptation can be more powerful than you expect. Sometimes even when you’re trying to plan not to sin, you just know you’re going to do it.

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The sound of my cell phone ringing stirred me from my sleep Saturday. …and it was mom’s tune I was hearing through the morning haze.

“Hello,” I groggily whispered, as I tried to clear the morning phlegm from my throat.

“Oh, dear, Phillip, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Hi mom. Yeah, but I guess I should drag myself out of bed anyway. What time is it?”

“It’s ten forty-five. I shouldn’t have called you so early but Ed and I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear from you.”

“Sorry. I guess I should have called you.”

“So-o-o-o-o?” mom asked in a long drawn out expressions of suspense.

“So, what?” I asked, knowing full well what she was mining for.

“What do mean, so what? What’s the good news? Did you pass Shelly’s little test yet?”

“Oh… well… kind of.”

“What do mean, kind of? …are the two of you getting married or aren’t you?”

“Yeah. …I mean, yeah, as in: oh that’s what you want to know.”

“…and?”

“Well it’s kind of a long story.”

“Phillip. Is there, or isn’t there a wedding in your future?”

“I’m hope so, mom.”

“You drive me insane sometimes. Did Shelly say yes?”

“Ah… no.”

The phone went silent for a moment as the impact of what I had just told her hit home.

“Phillip, what happened? You’re not telling me something. Your ears are red, aren’t they?”

I reached up and felt that they were hot. Had she known all along the same thing that Shelly had discovered?

“What do my ears have to do with anything?”

“They turn bright red when you’re trying to hide something. I’m not as naïve as you think. Now what was that test you didn’t pass? You never told me what it was. Maybe I could have helped you.”

“Ah… I don’t think you could have helped me out with this one.”

“Oh, Phillip. I feel so bad for you. Shelly’s such a nice girl. You two were perfect for each other. What happened?”

“Mom?” I asked, remembering what I had written in my journal last night, and suddenly drawing strength from the words I had heard in my subconscious mind. “Can I tell you something really personal?”

I could sense mom suddenly dreaded hearing what I had to say. She didn’t answer my question, and I somehow knew that she was on the verge of tears.

“I’m starting to worry that I might be gay, mom.”

I heard her voice catch before she spoke. “I was praying I’d never hear you say those words, Phillip, but the entire time Michelle was here over Christmas, for some reason those thoughts kept running through my mind. I could tell something wasn’t like it should be with the two of you. …and when you told me about the test, I was afraid it had something to do with that.

“Phillip, I want you to know that no matter what, Ed and I will always love you. That will never change. Is there a boy…” her voice caught again.

“His name’s Elijah Cohen. Mom, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. …not even Shelly.”

I heard mom sniffle into the phone.

“Pray for me mom. I’m so confused. I don’t understand why God never took this away from me. I prayed so hard, but last night…” I paused briefly, thinking how presumptuous this was going to sound. “Well last night it was like I felt God was speaking right to me. It was like he was telling me that my feelings for Elijah are okay.”

“Phillip. Promise one thing. Don’t turn your back on God, and fall into sin. Get help, son. The bible is clear about not having sexual relations of any kind outside of marriage.”

“I know mom. God’s gonna help me with that. I felt God telling me the same thing as you just did.”

“How can a person actually be gay if they don’t fall into sin with each other, Phillip? Are you sure you and Michelle can’t straighten things out between you. Find a pastor in town to talk about your feelings. Maybe he could help you to get your thoughts back on track. You can marry a woman, Phillip, but you won’t ever be able to marry another man.”

“Shelly and I are both happy, mom. Actually, we’re both kind of relieved things turned out how they did. We’re still friends.”

“Doe this… this other boy claim he’s a Christian?”

“He’s Jewish, mom. …but he loves God. He loves the same God we do.”

“It’s not the same, Phillip. Don’t let yourself get tangled up in the life of someone who’s not a believer. He’ll drag you down. …into sinning…” she added, her voice trailing off as she said it.

“He’s devout, mom. He wouldn’t even touch the piece of pizza that I dropped my pepperoni onto.”

“It’s not the same, Phillip. He’s not a believer,” she insisted, and I suddenly found that her words were upsetting me – a lot!

“Mom, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“I love you, son. I’ll be praying for you. Tell your friend about the gospel. Maybe the Lord just allowed you to have those feelings for him so he can use you that to bring your friend into his kingdom.”

“His name’s Elijah. …and he already knows God,” I spoke rather harshly into my phone and then pressed ‘End’.

A few minutes later, I had calmed down and found myself pressing “3” “send”.

“Hello?” spoke a withered voice from the other end of the connection.

“Mom?”

“Phillip?”

We both apologized to each other in unison.

“Will we get to meet him? We don’t want you staying away from home because of this. I want you to know your friends are always welcome in our home, no matter what.”

“Thanks mom. You don’t know how much that means to me. We’re not really dating each other or anything. We’re just good friends, so don’t worry, okay?”

“I will worry, Phillip. It’s in a mother’s nature to worry for her children I suppose, but thanks.”

“I love you mom. Thanks for trying to understand something that I don’t even understand myself.”

“Thanks for calling me back.”

“Sure mom. I couldn’t stand to think my words had hurt you.”

“You’re a wonderful young man. Whoever winds up with you as their partner in life is going to be one lucky person.”

I was feeling pretty good all of a sudden, and about to say good-bye, when mom’s voice suddenly cheered and she asked slyly, “You haven’t told me what the test was?”

“You really want to know?”

“Absolutely”

“Mom, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about. …especially to you.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this? I, mean…”

It felt like the heat in the building had just gone into overdrive at my recollection of that night in Elijah’s car.

“Let’s just say I got shocked by what I found out when I took her test, and leave it at that, mom.”

“She asked you to kiss him, didn’t she?”

“H… how did you know?” I asked, shocked that she could guess Shelly’s test. Shelly had sworn to me she wouldn’t tell anyone, and I had no reason not to believe her, but this had to be more than a coincidence.

“That’s what I would have done if I suspected something like that. The surest way to know anything is to compare apples to apples. You can’t pretend when you kiss someone. It’s either real, or it’s not.”

“It was real all right.”

“What was?”

“When I kissed him… It was really real.”

I turned around and sat on my bed to think about the conversation I had just had with my mother. I had heard a fair number of coming-out stories in the past, and this wasn’t like any of them. All my mom told me was not to fall into sin with someone I wasn’t married to. Come to think of it, though, I’m not exactly sure how God could work that part out if – and this is a really big if – Elijah and I got really close to each other with the passing of time.

“Dude. Man, did you just tell someone, ‘when you kissed him’?”

I jumped not realizing that Andrew had been lying amidst the tangled knot of covers on his bed.

“So who is he?”

“What?” I squeaked like my brother Aaron does whenever my mom catches him doing something he shouldn’t.

“You just told someone on your phone that when you kissed him, it was really real. Man you didn’t sneak one on me last night did you?”

“What are talking about,” I tried to defend myself.

“What I’m talking about is that I’ve kind of figured all along you might be a fruitcake. I was just lying here freaking that you might be perving on me while I’m sleeping.”

“I’m not gay,” I protested.

“Yeah, really …and I’m Abraham Lincoln, Rainbow Boy. Dude, I’ve suspected ever since we started rooming together that you had a soft side. Then when you were talking like you were getting married, but you never brought your honey back to the room, I kind of figured it was just a smoke screen.”

“I… I…”

“Look, I’m cool with it as long as you’re not pervin’ on me or anything. In fact, maybe some time when I’m in a bad way, I’ll even let you do some things to me if you want. I heard it’s really intense when a guy does it to you.”

“Look,” I told Andrew. “First of all, I’ve never perved on you. Second, you are definitely not ‘him’, and third? That is just so not going to happen, so sorry to get your hopes up.”

Andrew kind of looked disappointed when I made my last point, but rolled over and was soon snoring. I so hoped he wouldn’t remember our little conversation when he woke up again.