Stocking Stuffer, a TR poem

All that I want for Christmas,

From you, dear ol’ Santy Claus,

Is someone for my stocking

Without any major flaws.

He’s six feet tall and hairy

With a jaw of granite rock,

Or maybe he’s a sailor

Your elves pick up at the dock.

He might teach kindergarten

Or build cabinets out of wood;

I promise I’m not picky

And that I’ve been really good.

Bring me what I’m wishing for

Because I’ve been awfully sweet;

And sweetness is just wasted

On the men I usually meet.

I’d sorta like a smart guy

Who’s read all the books I like,

One who’s been a teacher’s pet

Ever since he was a tyke.

Or maybe one who snickers

When I tell a funny joke,

Who likes my crazy kittens

And won’t fuss each time I smoke.

I’m counting on you, Santa

To bring me some Christmas cheer:

A handsome hunky present

To help start off my New Year.

My stocking is a doozy

And much bigger than it seems:

There’s room enough for my wish,

For the honey of my dreams.

So, Santa don’t you worry

There’s no need for thinking small,

Quantity counts for something,

Don’t skimp on my Yuletide haul.

I want a Christmas cutie,

Someone new that I’ll adore,

But quality is crucial

And it counts for so much more.

I’m leaving you some cookies

And a stack of Christmas cash:

Here’s hoping you’ll deliver

Into my big stocking’s cache.

Don’t disappoint me, Santa

Try to fit him on your sled-

Then leave him in my stocking,

The one right beside my bed.

I need a stocking stuffer,

I’ve got mistletoe right here:

Something tall, dark and handsome,

Someone smart, cute and sincere.

But if he isn’t gorgeous

I won’t send him back to you,

If he’s nice in other ways

I won’t want to say adieu.

Just find the best and brightest,

Then just wrap him up for me;

I don’t demand perfection

I know you can’t guarantee.

I understand that, Santa

But I’m counting on your sleigh;

Everything’s negotiable

Just make sure he’s really gay!