A Special Place

 By Sequoyah Pendor

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(Parts Forty-one - Fifty)

        
 Part Forty-one
Luke

         Matt and I took the things from the Jeep into the house and cleaned up and put everything away. It took longer than it might otherwise have done, because we were constantly stopping for some passionate kissing. I was pleased to learn that our new ways of making love had taken nothing from the old. Damn, I loved kissing my man!
        We had just finished getting things put away when Yong Jin and Greywolf arrived. They came into the house laughing and holding hands. "No more school until September," Greywolf shouted as he tossed a load of books and papers on his desk in the library. When he and Yong Jin walked into the kitchen, he said, "And I bet you thought only students were thankful when school was out!" He laughed and grabbed Yong Jin and the two did a dance across the kitchen. They were acting like a couple of teenagers--even to engaging in some pretty passionate kissing themselves.
        When they had calmed down a bit, Yong Jin asked, "How did the skip day go?"
        "Perfect, absolutely perfect," Matt said.
        "Yea, and the Fellowship has a new couple," I added. "Jacob and Paula finally got over holding each other at arm's length. I mean they really got over it."
        "Well, if they decide to stick together, next year will be pretty tough," Greywolf observed.
        "It surely will," Yong Jin commented. "But both seem like strong people. If they want to make it work, they can."
        "I'm just glad we don't have to," Matt said, pulling me to himself and kissing me. "Being separated would be no fun."
        "You just don't know," Greywolf said. "Yong Jin and I have had experience and it's the pits."
        "That's not the only news," I said.
        "Well, grab a Coke and tell us all about it," Yong Jin said as she got four cold Cokes.
        We sat talking about the day and all that had happened. "The house is now officially ours. Millie saw to that. Of course we have to pay her back. She had Mr. Fox, one of her lawyers, incorporate us as the Oberlin Five, Inc."
        Greywolf laughed, "Leave it to Millie. Well, paying her back will be no problem. All the money Yong Jin and I and Gabrielle and Jens set aside for your college is now available for other things since your hard work has paid off in scholarships."
        "Plus the money I got from sales at the exhibition," I added. "Even Larry found out he wasn't as bad off as he thought. His parents had established a college fund when he was born and his mom kept it up after his father left until he was eighteen when it was paid out. Also, he has a job this summer."
        "Hate to be this way, but did you get any work done on the speeches?" Yong Jin asked.
        "We did. I guess we'll have to finish them tonight," Matt said as he looked at me with a frown.
        Just as he spoke, the phone rang and Yong Jin picked it up. After she had greeted Mom, she said, "Yes, he's here. One minute... It's your mom, Luke."
        "Mom, what's up?' I asked into the phone.
        "I haven't been able to leave work yet--I planned to be home early, but it looks like I'm stuck for another half hour so I wanted to make sure I got you before you made plans for tonight. Your dad and I want you and Matt to have dinner with us. Michael and Mary Kathryn are having dinner with the Andrews.
        "I hope Michael is up to it. I'm not sure he is after today. I think he overdid the swimming."
        "I hope not. Anyway, this is pretty important to your dad--well, to me too. He would like to sit down and have a talk with you after dinner. And, by the way, plan to spend the night at home."
        "By myself?" I could feel the hair on the back of my neck rising. I was well on the way to being very angry when Mom said, "I certainly hope not! Have you and Matt had a fight?"
        "Of course not!"
        "Then I suspect you'll be spending the night at home with him in your bed. I would if I were you," Mom laughed. "You've got to learn not to be so touchy, Luke."
        "Mom, I think I have reason to be touchy."
        "Maybe not after tonight. See you around 7:00?"
        "Ok."
        I told Matt what Mom had said and he suggested we work on the speeches before going to my place since we obviously weren't going to have as much time as we thought. "But I'm sure there will be more to do and they have to be ready tomorrow for Ms. Jones to approve."
        Yong Jin called us at 6:30 to remind us of the time. We had gotten so absorbed in the speeches that the time slipped up on us. We had made great progress, but now only had time for a quick shower and getting dressed before it was time to go. Just before we showered, Matt set the computer to copy the speeches onto a disk so we could continue to work on them at my place later.
        Just before we were ready to leave, Greywolf said, "Sons, be patient and hear Jens out, regardless of what he has to say. I'm sure this is serious business for him and will not be easy, so be patient. Remember, he loves you both."
        "We will, Dad," Matt said and we hugged both Matt's parents and turned to leave.
        As we reached the front door, Greywolf called to Matt, "Matt, don't plan on using the Jeep Thursday. I'm taking it in to be checked."
        "Ok, Dad, but remember that's the birthday bash at Uncle Michael's. I'll need it then."
        "I'll see what I can do about getting the work it needs done before too late," he replied. "But I'm not sure. You're going to need to be sure it's ready for the trip to Sewanee."
        When we reached my place, both Mom and Dad were in the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready shortly," Jens announced. "Maybe you want to catch the latest news."
        There wasn't much of interest in the news and I was only half paying attention, Matt saw to that, when suddenly I heard, "More happening in the McBride case in Concord today. In a civil action suit against McBride, Judge Snow ruled that McBride's assets would be confiscated and placed in a trust fund to continue therapy for those he had abused. A local therapist told this reporter that the three young men who had testified to years of abuse from McBride will probably be in therapy for some years. However, I also learned that the three had completed their high school education while living in a halfway house and will be graduating with their high school class at Independence High School."
        "That's surely an interesting development," Matt said. "I wonder how Independence students will take that?"
        "More for the speeches, Matt," I responded.
        I was surprised when we got to the dining room. The table was set for a celebration. What was going on here? There was a wine glass at every place and Dad had wine sitting in front of his place. When we had gathered around the table, Dad said grace. I was shocked when he, as Greywolf had done, passed up the standard grace to offer thanks for his sons Matthew and Luke and for their love for each other. Shocked? I was thunderstruck! When he had finished the grace, he poured wine for all of us and offered a toast, "To the Family, blessed beyond measure and to our two sons who have found love--unexpected and, at first, unacceptable. May it grow and deepen in the years to come."
        The dinner was, of course, perfect. "Gabrielle, I hope you have taught your son to cook. I don't think I can last months without at least a hint of your wonderworks from the kitchen."
        "Never let him fool you, Matt. Luke is an excellent cook, but then I seem to recall Greywolf and Yong Jin haven't neglected that part of your education either!"
        As the meal progressed, we talked about our day at the falls, about having the house and about all the plans for the next week and the summer. "Mary Kathryn has already told me about the picnic Sunday. I think that is a wonderful idea! I thought you'd want to go off and party on your own," Mom said.
        "That's Saturday night," Luke said. "Mr. Greywolf and his entourage are going back to the club in Lexington."
        We finished the meal and Matt and I started to clear the table as usual when Dad said, "Leave the wine glasses." After the table was clear, Dad asked, "Boys--I guess you're no longer boys, huh? But I still think of you as boys. I want to talk with you and wonder if you'd like to talk in the den or sit here around the table?"
        "Jens, I vote for the table," Matt replied and I nodded.
        When we were settled again, Dad filled our glasses, sat down and became very silent. He sat for what seemed like a very long time looking at his wine glass, twirling it between his fingers. Actually I'm sure it was only a minute or two. But I was getting very nervous and, when Matt took my hand under the table, I knew he was too. He finally looked up and said, "I really don't know how to begin. I have something I want to say and I'm afraid I'll bungle the job and I sure don't want to. Be patient with me."
        "First, I want you to know I love all of you kids. Matt, I don't think I love you or Michael any less than I do Luke and Mary Kathryn. That's kinda hard for me to say, not because it's untrue, but it's hard for me to say 'I love you,' to Luke and Mary Kathryn, my own flesh and blood. Telling the children they were loved just wasn't done in my family and it's been very hard for me to say it even as seldom as I do. But it's true. I love all of you very much."
        "The second thing..."--Jens the accountant was getting the books in order just as Greywolf the scientist has to have everything in order--"I want you to know is that I have struggled very hard to accept your relationship. It has called into question beliefs I thought absolute and unchangeable. It shook all I have believed to the very foundations. I'll admit I still don't understand two men loving each other as you two love. But then love is not to be understood, just accepted--and I do accept it."
        "Then a major problem--to my mind--is that you are still children, very young, and have made a decision..."
        "Dad, there was no decision," I said. I could feel myself bracing for something. I wasn't sure what.
        Matt squeezed my hand, looked at me and mouthed, "Patience".
        Dad ignored my remark and continued, "...a decision to accept who and what you are and to act on it: to accept that you were in love with a man and let him know it--and everyone else for that matter. Gradually I have come to realize that you are no longer children, but I'm still not yet ready to call you adults. Well, I guess I am, it's just that being adults carries responsibilities that I didn't want you to have to have. But then, you aren't children and I don't really want to keep treating you as children."
        "Matt, Luke, I told Gabrielle to ask you to stay here tonight. I wasn't sure I could do that without saying the wrong thing. I have noticed that since you two have acknowledged your love for each other--I mean other than as brothers--you have spent little time here." Dad laughed, "I've even thought about renting out Luke's room. But seriously, I have noticed that your displays of affection are much less free here than elsewhere and I suspect your love-making has also been restrained."
        "Dad, Matt and I knew you had problems with our relationship. I won't say that we haven't made love here--within the bounds we set for ourselves--but you're right. It has been restrained because we knew how you felt and we just didn't feel comfortable here. Also, I--we--had respect for you, if not your position. And we weren't going to cheapen our love by being sneaky."
        "Well said, Son," Dad said. "I know that you had placed boundaries on your love-making until you were eighteen and, since I got drafted to help prepare your love nest at the falls, I think I am safe in saying you observed those bounds, but only as long as you said you would."
        "Luke's no longer a virgin, if that's what you mean, Jens," Matt said and then turned bright red. Dad had a good belly laugh.
        "That's what I mean," he said. "I have some real problems with premarital sex--although, to be frank, I wasn't innocent when Gabrielle and I were married."
        "Jens, be honest. Our wedding night was our first night as husband and wife, not our first night." Damn if Dad didn't blush.
        "Anyway, as I was thinking about that, I realized that you would never be married to each other. At least, not as marriage is understood and recognized legally. I know you plan a commitment ceremony, but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that I recognize your commitment to each other and expect you to make love any way you care to in this house. And I hope, if not now, soon you will feel comfortable doing so."
        Both Matt and I gave a great sigh. "Dad, I was afraid... I mean... I was afraid... I don't know what I was afraid of but, Dad, you don't know how happy that makes me. Not because I can make love to Matt here. If not here, I would somewhere, but because of your acceptance of us." I got up and hugged and kissed my dad. Matt did the same. Both Matt and I had tears in our eyes--I guess remembering Dad's reaction only weeks ago--and damned if Dad didn't have a tear or two in his eyes.
        "Jens, I know how hard it has been for you to reach this point, but I want you to know that I will honor it the only way I know how, by loving your son with all my heart and soul," Matt said.
        Jens poured the rest of the wine into the glasses and as he did said, "Matt, I could ask nothing more and expect nothing less." He raised his glass and said, "Here's to the finest sons a man could ever ask for, and to their love--for each other and for the family. May both grow ever deeper and stronger!"
        We drank the toast and I said, "I know you'll not believe this, but Matt and I have speeches to work on. I think we'll say goodnight and go up."
        We hugged Jens and Gabrielle and both of us said, teary eyed, "Thanks, Jens." Matt added, "And we promise to make you proud of us and of our love," then we went to my room.
        As soon as we got upstairs, we discussed the fact that we planned to mention Danny, Buddy and Jake, the three who had beaten and raped Gregory, in our speech. "Luke, that worries me," Matt said. "I am really concerned about that."
        "So am I, Matt. Maybe we should just leave it out."
        "We could. Maybe we should."
        "Matt, why don't we let them decide? I mean it's a part of what the speeches are about. Maybe they would want us to say what we planned to say."
        "What do we do? We won't have time to make major changes in the morning."
        "Let's give them a call."
        It took a while to find the phone number of the halfway house, but we finally decided it was too important not to make every effort and, in desperation, called Judge Snow at home. We apologized for calling her so late and at home, but when we told her what we had in mind, she thought it was a good idea. "Especially since you are leaving the decision in their hands." She gave us the number and, when we called, we managed to get all three on the halfway house speaker phone and went over what we had planned. When we finished, Danny said, "It's going to be rough--for you and for us--but I think you should go ahead." The other two agreed.
        Then we worked on the speeches, again getting completely immersed in them, until I had to rush to the toilet for a piss. When I got back, Matt had fallen asleep in front of the computer, his head on the keyboard. When I looked at the clock I saw that it was 3:30 in the morning and we had to be at school at 9:00 for rehearsal. The speeches could still use some polishing, but I saved them and shut down the computer, got undressed and picked up my man and took him to bed. He was so out of it that I got him undressed and under the cover before he gave any hint of waking up. When he did, he smiled, reached up and kissed me and was immediately asleep again! So much for making mad passionate love in my house tonight! Of course, by the time I had spooned into the back of my love, I was also asleep. I guess there are, as Michael pointed out, limits--limits of all kinds.
        Saturday morning is usually sleep-in time at my house, but this morning the clock went off at 7:30. I hate alarm clocks! One day I hope I will be in a position to not have one in the house! Matt reached across me and slammed the snooze button for another nine minutes of sleep. I guess sometimes even teenage priorities get changed.
        The clock went off a second time and Matt and I dragged ourselves out of bed. We went to the bathroom and took care of morning necessities. We barely had time for a quick shower with no playing around. I shaved while Matt got dressed. While I got dressed, he printed out copies of the speeches and we went downstairs.
        Dad was in the kitchen alone, fixing breakfast. "I hope you two had a good night," he smiled.
        "I guess it was good. Actually, Dad, we worked on the speeches until 3:30 and, while I was taking a piss, Matt fell asleep at the computer. He barely woke up when I got him undressed and in bed. Just long enough for a quick kiss. I was asleep two minutes later."
        "I guess you're adults after all," Dad mused. "You're learning there are responsibilities which keep you from doing what you want to do. You may as well know, that doesn't change."
        "Yea, like getting up to feed two boys when you'd rather be in bed--sleeping or otherwise," Matt laughed. Dad joined in his laughter.
        After breakfast we rushed to school, getting there in the nick of time. When we walked in, a very excited Ms. Jones met Matt. "Matt, we had a Rogers organ delivered late yesterday to be used for graduation. When we had rehearsal, the assistant conductor and the director handled the ensemble and chorus--we are NOT using recorded music this year--and they did fine so the two groups are in good shape, but with Paula and Eugene back and the addition of the organ, do you think you could work to improve the selection of music?
        "I hope I can," Matt replied. What did you have in mind?"
        "Get together with Eugene and Paula and see what you three can come up with. I'll leave it up to you three."
        "Pomp and Circumstance" have to be included?"
        "I meant it when I said I'd leave the music up to you three. How are the speeches?"
        "I have a hard copy of them," I said. "We want to do some more work, but I think you can see where we are headed. Any changes will not be a big surprise."
        "I trust you two so I'll read what you have and you can do what you want to improve that. To tell you the truth, the hard part of graduation is well in hand. It's getting the marching in and out and getting up and down that seems to be too complicated for graduating seniors!"
        Ms. Norman had the seniors marching in and out and standing and sitting, trying to make everything look smooth. It didn't. She was getting pretty put out and finally said, "Take fifteen." I hadn't been too involved since I just marched right up on stage and didn't have to do the up and down bit--which looked silly to me, but then it was graduation tradition.
        When Ms. Norman called for the break, I walked over to Ms. Jones who had read the speeches. "I think the speeches are great, but I wonder about one thing. You mention the three students who beat and raped Gregory...."
        "Matt and I called them and ran over the speeches with all three because we would not have included what we did without their knowing and approving it."
        "I would have thought as much, but I wanted to be sure. And their response?"
        "They thanked us. All three thanked us. In fact, all three wept and said they couldn't understand how we could say what we did about the outcome."
        Actually, as we said, Matt and I had been very hesitant about mentioning that horrible event, but when we talked with the three, they urged us to do so. Even though Ms. Jones approved the speeches, I knew they needed more work and Matt had agreed when we talked about them on the way to school.
        During the lull, Derrick Armstrong, football hero and student body president, came over. "How's Michael doing?" he asked.
        "He's coming along fine," Matt said. "He actually swam some yesterday."
        "Do you think he might come to school before we finish? I need to talk to him. I know he had to give up being a marshall, but I hoped he would be here."
        "Give him a call. I think he can make it," I said.
        Derrick left to call Michael and I joined Matt, Paula and Eugene. Matt was sitting at the organ, running his fingers over it as if it was my naked body! "Babe, have I been replaced?" I asked in a whiney voice.
        Matt smiled and said, "Not likely, but I tell you, I'm amazed at what this baby can do. I have always heard electronic organs put down and I'd probably choose the Flentrop over this but, man, what I wouldn't give to have this baby. It can do just about anything. Three manuals. I would just love to have it. But right now I guess you have been replaced for a spell since we've got to get the music done."
        Later Matt told me he, Eugene and Paula had told Ms. Jones they would announce the beginning of the ceremony with "Fanfare for the Common Man" and then use Clarke's "Trumpet Tune" instead of the usual "Pomp and Circumstance" which Eugene said the ensemble was having trouble with since they only started work on it yesterday when he was at the falls. The rest of the music they selected--including the recessional--was also from the concert.
        Sure enough, as soon as Ms. Norman got everyone back in place and processional started, a couple mothers went rushing up to Ms. Jones. One was the mother of a daughter who was graduating only by the grace of God and a few points from her teachers. Ms. Norman called a halt just as she shouted, "I don't care how it's done. It can be an eight track tape so far as I am concerned, but my daughter is going to march to the graduation march!"
        Ms. Jones of the icy voice drew herself up to her full height and asked, "And just what is the graduation march?"
        "Don't play dumb with me, Lady!" the mother was shouting now, "You know..." and in her best "my daughter is being mistreated voice" tried to do a bah, bah, bah version of "Pomp and Circumstance".
        "Oh," Ms. Jones said, "you mean "Pomp and Circumstance". I guess if you insist she march to that you need to find a high school that's using it. Most will. We're not!" and turned and walked away as she said, "Get on with it, Norman".
        Then there was a problem because Eugene, Paula and senior members of the chorus and ensemble had trouble getting back to their places after they had done their parts of the program. Finally Ms. Norman, who was in charge, decided the only easy way was to let them sit together and made a change in the strict alphabetical order in which the diplomas were given out. The same loud-mouthed mother and her tag-along raised cain again because their children got pushed further back in the line. Finally Ms Jones had had it with all the fuss and said, "We'll seat the honors students in the front, the chorus and ensemble members who are not honors students--if there be any--directly behind them. We'll do honors in alphabetical order, then members of the chorus and ensemble in alphabetical order and then the remaining students in alphabetical order. Seems to me the honors students and the ensemble and chorus have done enough for Independence to have that bit of preference shown to them. Anyway, that's the way it's going to be!" The two busybodies started to say something when Ms. Jones announced, "The rest of the rehearsal is closed to all except participants. Ladies you are excused."
        "Millicent Willingham will hear about this," Ms. Loud Mouth shouted as she walked out the door. Her poor daughter was embarrassed to tears. Sometimes parents are more concerned about their own image than their children it appeared.
        While Ms. Norman was rearranging students, Derrick came back and spoke with Ms. Jones. I heard her say, "As soon as he's here, we'll discuss it."
        We marched in and out a couple more times, Derrick and I marching straight to the stage rather than sitting in the audience. Eugene and other seniors in the ensemble didn't have to march and Paula and senior members of the chorus peeled off when they reached the risers for their group.
        As we were marching out the last time, Michael came in. Ms. Jones motioned for me, Matt and Derrick. When we reached them, Derrick said, "You all know it is traditional for the president of the student body to introduce the valedictorian--in this case co-valedictorians. However, I spoke with Ms. Jones and I would like for Michael to do that. Michael has done more for this school in a couple or three months than I have done as student body president all year. Frankly, I haven't done shi... anything. I would like to introduce Michael and let him introduce you two."
        "Derrick, what will your classmates think of that?" Michael asked.
        "The ones I have talked to think it's a good idea."
        "You know the program can't be changed," Ms. Jones said.
        "Doesn't bother me," Derrick replied. "But with all the changes made today, I guess the only thing correct is the list of graduates anyway! But, if you like, I'll call Dad. His best friend runs a print shop and I bet we could get new ones. I'll call as soon as you give me the corrected program."
        "What do you three think of Derrick's suggestion?" Ms. Jones asked.
        "I think it's a grand gesture, Derrick," Matt said.
        "So do I."
        "Derrick, if that's what you truly want to do, I am honored, but it's your decision. You have earned the honor," Michael said.
        "That's just it, Michael, I haven't and now it's too late. But I have learned a lesson about the difference between being a leader and having a title. You're on tomorrow, Man!" He started to slap Michael on the back, but stayed his hand just in time.
        "Thanks," Michael smiled, "if you hadn't stopped that hand, I don't think I'd have been able to do anything tomorrow! Now I guess I better get home and get busy trying to find something decent I can say about these two brothers of mine."
        After Michael left, I noticed Derrick looked puzzled. Finally he asked, "Are you two and Michael brothers?"
        "Not by blood, but otherwise, one hundred percent," Matt said.
        Ms. Jones wanted to know if there was anything she needed to do for us. "Just be sure there are two mikes for the speeches because we're doing a dialogue," I said.
        "Glad you reminded me of that. I'll see that it's done. Paula left as soon as she could with that redheaded junior--Jacob--saying 'Time's a'wasting' as she walked out, but if you, Matt and Eugene, can stay a bit, we'll get the program corrected and, Derrick, you can see what you can do."
        "I'll wait outside with Larry," I said and started toward the door, then remembered, "Oh, by the way, Ms. Jones, the Fellowship is having a graduation celebration tomorrow afternoon. We like you to be there if you aren't going to another one."
        "Thanks. I appreciate that, but I suspect that's a time for you young adults."
        "Not at all. We're having a family picnic at the falls. Parents and friends invited."
        "Then I'd be honored. See you at graduation."
        As Ms. Jones went about getting the program corrected, I walked to the parking lot. Larry was sitting in Eugene's car, listening to a tape. I joined him and, as we listened, we started talking about yesterday and how much fun it had been. Then we both got the giggles when Larry brought up the loud-mouthed mother. "I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she decides to dress down Ms. Jones to Millie," Larry laughed. Matt still hadn't joined us and the parking lot was empty except for Eugene's car, Matt's Jeep and one other car I didn't know.
        Matt finally walked out of the building with Eugene and two other seniors. I soon recognized them as Randy and Sandy. When the four of them reached us, we all spoke and Randy said, "We're just telling Eugene how much we appreciate what he did to keep us in school and to allow us to graduate".
        "Well, to tell the truth, we were telling him just how much we appreciated the punishment," Sandy laughed. "Randy and I have been best friends for years, but that was it. I guess both of us were afraid what might happen to our friendship if we told the truth, but after that kiss in the cafeteria, we decided we liked it and, well, we finally admitted we were in love with each other and had been for ages."
        "Sure was easier than the way Matt and I got together," I said and pulled Matt to me for a kiss.
        "I admire your guts--all four of you," Randy said. "I'm afraid we can't be as open as you four. I know I would be put out of the house if my dad found out...."
        "And that would be the least of my troubles," Sandy added. "I know my old man would beat the shit out of me. He does that just for kicks now, especially when he's drunk--which is most of the time. Give him a reason and I don't think he'd know when to stop."
        "Also, we both are football players and I'll bet our scholarships would evaporate if the college found out. I'm sure we would be hounded off the team at best. But at least Sandy and I are going to the same college and we are roommates, so we can be together and what we do behind closed doors--well..." he grinned. "But, again, thanks Eugene, you made two men very happy. And I still can't get over how fast you can put a football player's ass in the dirt. But we've got to run. Laters."
        "Laters," the four of us said.
        "Luke, we better run too. We still have work to do on speeches. See you guys tomorrow," Matt said.
        Matt and I spent the afternoon working on the speeches at his place. We reached the point where we were just fussing over them without making any improvements and I finally said, "Matt, let's call it quits for now and have Yong Jin take a look at them later".
        It was a beautiful spring day so Matt and I decided we'd go for a walk along the river. Of course the falls are a special place, but the river above and below the falls is also beautiful. We walked to the river bridge, climbed down the bank and walked up the river toward the falls. We had our arms about each other's waist and stopped from time to time for a gentle kiss. We weren't, it seemed, in the mood for heavy making out. That was strange until Matt said, "I guess without saying it or even being conscious of it, we're storing up memories, Luke. I feel kinda sad knowing that all we have known and loved is, well, no longer going to be a part of our everyday life. Soon all of this will be very far away from us and I don't think we can ever, really, come back to it."
        "I know what you mean, Babe. It frightens me at times. I thought that this summer was just like other summers--we'd go away to camp or whatever and come back to what we have always known. But even if we were coming back here, we wouldn't be coming back to what we've always known. I mean there'd be no school, no Fellowship--at least for us. All that we're leaving behind. Of course, we'd also be coming back to each other as we've never done before... But we won't be coming back, not back to this place, to the family... not really. And you know what frightens me--still--is that we could have reached this point in our lives, separated and never have been together."
        "But we didn't and we are, Yonghon Tongmu." Matt took me in his arms and kissed me softly, gently, then lowered me to the mossy bank of the river where we lay in each other's arms. Matt was unusually tender as he slowly undressed me. Soon he, too, was lying beside me in all his wonderful, naked, dark beauty. Our love-making was as gentle and soft as the light breeze in the willows above us. Matt started kissing my body, stopping to look up into my eyes and smile the smile which made my world light up. God I loved this man who could be a wild Korean Lakota, but who could also be a gentle warrior making love to me under the canopy of the willows with the soothing sound of the river near by. Even when he took me into his mouth, his love-making was gentle, tender, soft--unrushed and unhurried. When I had given him my gift, he looked into my eyes and said, "We're creating memories, Yonghon Tongmu, memories to last forever".
        In the tenderness of our love, we lay in each others arms, looking into each other's souls until I started making love to my Dark Angel's hard, perfect body. When he filled my mouth with the pure taste of Matt, I drank it, filling my being with the nectar of my love. In the gentle warmth of our love we lay together, whispering things to each other which only appear foolish to those who are not in love.
        As with all good things, our time together had to come to an end so we dressed and walked, holding hands, stopping for a kiss, laughing and enjoying being alive, back to Matt's place. We walked into the kitchen just as Greywolf came in, his hair wet from the shower. "I hope you two were enjoying yourselves while I slaved away in the garden," he laughed.
        "I don't know about your slaving away," Matt joined in the laughter, "but we certainly were enjoying ourselves. Well, kinda. Well, we did enjoy ourselves, but I guess yesterday started us thinking about how our life here is drawing to a close."
        "Yea," I added. "We were just thinking about graduation as the end of another school year until yesterday, but both of us keep thinking that it's not. It's the end of being here in surroundings we know and love, among people we know and love and who love us. All that is about to change. It's kinda a happy-sad time."
        "Yes, it is. For us too," Yong Jin said. "Too soon the house will feel incomplete because you and Matt won't be around. I keep thinking about when I weaned Matt. It was time for him to move on, but nursing him was a pleasure for both of us. He cried the most, but it was a kind of sad time for me as well--and it hurt. But he could hardly have gone to school hanging on my breast."
        "Mom!" Matt exclaimed.
        "It's true, Matt," Greywolf said. "I guess the unfortunate thing is that most people, figuratively, go through life hanging onto a breast. This place and the people you know and love have given you all we can at this time. That doesn't mean the place will no longer be special or that the people will stop loving you, but both will take on a new meaning for you. You can't stop growing, even when you have growing pains--as you will, always."
        "I know it's really none of my business and you can tell me that if you wish," Yong Jin said, "but how did your time with Jens go? Gabrielle told me he was very anxious to talk with the two of you, but had been pretty tight-lipped about it."
        Matt and I told Yong Jin and Greywolf about our talk with Jens and how he had said he considered our love special and welcomed it.
        "I recall how frightened we all were about Jens finding out about you two. I knew he was a good man at heart, but I also knew how hard it was going to be for him to question what he had been taught all his life," Greywolf said. "But I guess I also knew how very much he loved his son and all the rest of the Gang of Four. I am very thankful that he has come to see that love is love and that your love is as deep and precious as it is."
        "Needless to say, I am more than happy with my dad," I said. "He not only has my love, but also more respect than I can tell."
        "Hate to change the subject, but what about the speeches?" Yong Jin asked.
        "We'd like for you to hear them and see what you think," Matt said. "And, by the way, I plan to spend the night with Luke. We kinda didn't get to see how comfortable we would be at his place last night."
        Yong Jin raised an eyebrow as only she can and I laughed. "We worked on the speeches until I had to go to the toilet at 3:30 and when I got back, Matt was asleep on the keyboard! He hardly woke up when I undressed him, just enough for a goodnight kiss."
        After we did a run through of the speeches, Yong Jin said, "I think you've done enough. Put them aside and get to Luke's. And don't play around all night because Matt has to play tomorrow morning. He only has one more time to play before he leaves for the summer."
        Matt and I drove to my place knowing we would sleep as late as possible and wouldn't want to have to walk back to his place for the Jeep.
        After dinner, we took a shower, playing around but keeping everything within bounds. I mean there were much more exciting things to come! After we got our hair dry--I kept threatening to cut mine since getting it dry was a chore, but Matt reminded me that it was one I seldom had to do since he did it and I better not cut a single hair--Matt put on some soft slow music and we danced. Man, how I loved holding his hard body in my arms, his head resting in the crook of my neck and dancing. His hair was free and completely covered his back, even his great butt. As we danced, I reached behind him and took his cheeks in my hands, pulling his hips to mine. Soon I realized that he, as I, was very hard. He nibbled at my ear and then whispered, "Luke Hans Yonghon Tongmu Larsen I love you. I love you. I love you!"
        I raised his head from my neck, looked into his black almond eyes, smiled and said, "Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf, I love you too. Dark Angel, I couldn't love you more if I were twins!" I slipped my hands into his hair and pressed my lips against his again and again. Our open-mouth kisses became more passionate as our tongues started a familiar duel. We were both very hot and very hard when I reached down, swept my Sarang Hanun Pomul into my arms and carried him to my bed.
        I stood over him, drinking in his dark beauty. His hair was a black, black pillow for his smooth beauty. He extended his arms and I fell into them. As I lay atop his body, he grasped two handsful of my hair and pulled my lips to his in a kiss which knew no bounds. We continued kissing each other as he rolled atop my body, his hair--God how I loved his hair--forming that special private world I had grown to love more and more, a world filled with the fragrance of Matt. His hands were all over my body, his mouth and tongue making me hotter and hotter. When he started licking and sucking my nipples, I started groaning. Finally I said, "Dark Angel, I want you. I want to feel you inside me. I want to feel you deep inside me." As I spoke, I managed to twist to one side and pull open the drawer of the night stand where I had placed the lube I had forgotten on our birthday.
        Matt reached in the drawer and took the lube and soon was working it into me with a finger, then two. He continued relaxing me until I finally said, "Babe, I want you now!" After applying more lube to me, he covered Chili Pepper and started gently entering me. "Dark Angel, I am ready. Please!" Matt still moved very slowly, very gently until his Lakota arrow was buried deeply inside me. As he pulled back and then slid in again, he hit a spot I didn't know I had. It felt as though an electric charge of pleasure shot through my whole being. Matt raised my legs to his shoulders as he knelt over me. Again and again his plunging arrow hit my target and I clinched my teeth to keep from shouting as I urged Matt on, "Yes, yes, yes, Love! Faster Matt, faster. Deeper, deeper." His balls had been slapping against me, but now they were drawing into firing position. Suddenly he reached out, grabbed my hair and pushed himself as deep as possible into me. I felt him explode inside as he pulled my lips to his in a crushing kiss while still exploding. I could hold back no longer and felt hot man's seed shoot across my body. As I did, my Dark Angel collapsed on me.
        Both of us exhausted by our love-making, Matt held me tight, Chili Pepper still inside. Exhausted by our climax, yes, but not enough to prevent passionate kissing. Finally, Chili Pepper grew soft and slid from inside me and we lay side by side, gazing into each other's eyes, both smiling, but saying nothing for a long time. Then Matt said, "Luke, I want to make love to you like that until the day we die. You are my life, my reason for living, Yonghon Tongmu."
        "And you mine, Sarang Hanun Pomul. You, my beloved Dark Angel, are the very reason I am living." As we had done at the river, we lay, saying little, just basking in the presence of our love.
        After we had recovered, Matt became my wild Korean Lakota again and was smothering me with kisses. In spite of the fact that only a short time ago he had brought me to a roaring climax, Little Luke made his presence felt and Matt said, "Luke, make love to me. Make the stars sing and the planets dance."
        Foreplay is wonderful and exciting and great! But there comes a time when it is not enough. "Luke, I want you NOW!" Matt said. "I am ready for you NOW!" And he was. I hope I never have to choose between being inside Matt and having him inside me. Both are out-of-this-world experiences and I want to have both as long as I live. As I approached my climax, I took Chili Pepper in my hand and brought Matt along with me. As I felt my hot seed pulse into my love, he covered my hand with his.
        Again, we were both exhausted and I collapsed on Matt's body, placing my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. We were silent for a long time and then Matt started laughing. He started laughing! "Bright Angel, do you remember when we glued ourselves together?"
        Recalling that morning, I got the giggles and the two of us, fresh from some damn hot sex, were laughing like two ten-year-olds. I finally gained some control and said, "I guess this means we are no longer uncomfortable making love at Jens' place".
        "I think it means we have also learned the Michael and Mary Kathryn trick of playing when making love."
        "Maybe not when, but surely after," I answered.
        "Well, if we don't want to be siamese twins, I guess we'd better clean up," Matt said. We took a shower, went through the hair-drying routine--I was amazed to find Matt really needed to wash his hair. I mean, I knew it was long, but to get--well, you know. I had grabbed clean sheets out of the linen closet as we left the bathroom, and we changed the bed. As we were making it up, Matt laughed and asked, "Do you think Gabrielle would believe the sheets are the result of a wet dream?"
        "If she does, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell her."
        We crawled into bed together; the fresh sheets felt delightful against my bare skin and the fragrance of my Matt filled me. "God, I love you so much I ache," I said as I kissed my Dark Angel tenderly.
        "And I love you so much I feel great my Bright Angel."
        We cuddled together, looking lovingly into each other's eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a long, wonderful, as-yet-unknown life together.
        Mary Kathryn knocked on the door and called to us, "If the two of you can drag your asses out of bed long enough, breakfast is in fifteen minutes and you know you're not leaving here alive without breakfast. Mom will see to that!"
        We both hopped out of bed and dashed for the bathroom. Mary Kathryn was standing outside the door and said, as we rushed by, "I see part of you is awake if not all of you," pointing to our erect cocks as she laughed and started downstairs.
        We took a quick shower, taking care to keep our hair dry and, in what had become a routine, I shaved while Matt dressed for church. As soon as I was dressed, we went downstairs where breakfast was waiting. As we sat down Matt looked at Jens and said, "Thanks, Jens."
        Dad smiled and responded, "From the smiles on your faces, I deduce that you found sleeping here comfortable."
        "Both before and after we fell asleep," Matt blushed.
        "I'm pleased," was all Dad said.
        Matt and I went to St. Mary's and I stood behind him for the choir warm-up, occasionally singing along softly. Matt tells me that, contrary to my belief, I have a nice singing voice, but I don't believe it.
        At announcement time, Fr. Tom called the four St. Mary's seniors to the chancel steps and gave us each a small box. "These are graduation gifts from St. Mary's to four outstanding seniors," he said. "I hope you will wear them proudly knowing they represent our appreciation and love." Inside each box was a beautifully wrought small silver cross and chain.
        As I turned to leave, he said, "Hold on Matt". Facing the congregation, he added, "As all of you know, Matt became organist at St. Mary's when he was about ten. We had a couple years, I guess, of organ sans pedals--first because Matt couldn't really reach them. Then, when he could, we were still sans pedals because Matt had to be one of the most awkward eleven- or twelve-year-olds I have ever known. But he grew and he changed and even Millie admits he's better with his feet than she ever was--a high compliment because 1) Millie hates to admit anyone is better at anything than she, and 2) because she was--and I suspect we will soon learn, still is--good."
        "When Matt started playing, Greywolf and Yong Jin were determined that he wasn't going to be spoiled by money and the vestry of St. Mary's was determined that we wouldn't engage in underpaid child labor. Unknown to Matt, a plan was hatched. Matt, had you been more attentive to the budget of St. Mary's, you might have questioned why we had an organ fund. Kinda strange for a parish which has more organ than most think is needed. Well, the arrangement was that you would be paid what you got as an allowance--and Greywolf was pretty cheap on that count, wasn't he?"
        Matt laughed and nodded.
        "The fact of the matter was, the money to pay an organist, less an amount equal to your allowance, was placed in the organ fund. That has remained true for eight years--accruing interest at a very favorable rate due to the market I might add. Greywolf increased your allowance as you grew older--not enough to please you, I'm sure--and the stipend for the organist was also increased each year. The organ fund was to be yours when you left for college. But, of course, you don't need money for college since you and your three classmates earned--and I want to emphasize earned--amazing scholarships. After talking with your parents, the vestry--wisely, I believe--decided to spend the organ fund for an organ. Frankly, I was amazed at how much was in the fund and we decided to go all the way. You are now the proud owner of a Rogers 950 with all the trimmings." Fr. Tom then handed Matt another small box.
        Matt opened the box and took out a small brass plate and a note. He unfolded the note, looked up with tears in his eyes and read, "To be attached to the side of the organ now sitting in the auditorium of Independence High School." He then read the engraving on the brass, "To Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf, Organist of St. Mary's Episcopal Church, Concord, 1987-1995." Matt couldn't contain himself. As the congregation stood and applauded, Matt grabbed Fr. Tom in a great hug, rushed down the center aisle to hug his mom and dad, then grabbed me in a hug. I thought he was going to kiss me right in the middle of St. Mary's, but I guess he suddenly realized that would probably cause Fr. Tom problems. Instead, as he hugged me, he whispered, "Now I have two organs I love!" Damn, I turned beet red!
        "Matt, moving an organ and getting it properly set up is not an easy or inexpensive task. Accordingly, there is money in the fund to move and install the organ in your home after today's graduation. Further, it will be transported and installed in what I believe is a house belonging to The Oberlin Five, Inc. when you leave at the end of the summer. It is something you have earned by your devotion to this congregation, your hard work and your sense of responsibility. Enjoy it with our blessings."
        When church was over, the coffee hour was actually a grand reception for the four of us and everyone wanted to talk to all of us. It was a delightful madhouse, but it did mean that we had little time before graduation. However, the food at the reception made lunch unnecessary, so we weren't too rushed. That is, we weren't rushed, but Matt was hopping around like a kid waiting to open presents Christmas morning. Finally he could stand it no longer and said, "Luke, would you like to go with me to school?"
        "Matt, it's only 12:30! Graduation isn't until 2:00. We were told to be there by 1:30. What's your rush?" I asked as if I didn't know.
        "I want to go see my baby," he laughed.                        

 Part Forty-two

 Luke

         When we arrived at the school, Ms. Jones met us with a huge smile on her face. "I thought you'd get here a bit early," she said. "Matt, thanks for loaning the organ, even if you didn't know it was yours." As we left the house, Greywolf had handed me a small toolbox and, while Matt went wild on the organ, I affixed the brass plate to the side of the instrument.
        Five minutes after Matt started playing, I saw Paula, Eugene, and the entire chorus and ensemble start sneaking out from backstage. Obviously they had been tipped off by Fr. Tom. Matt was still unaware of their presence when he started playing the Gounod "Sanctus". He hadn't finished more than a bar or two when the ensemble and chorus joined in, scaring Matt out of his wits. When he turned around, all started applauding and cheering. Their cheers soon changed to Lakota war whoops.
        The whole group got into the music for graduation full swing and was having a great time until Ms. Jones said, "Ok, enough. It's time to get dressed for the big show." We left the auditorium and went to the room set aside for the chorus and ensemble, where the seniors got into their graduation gowns. Michael and all the Fellowship were there, waiting for us. When we were dressed and ready, Ms. Jones held up her hand for silence and said, "I want you to know I am very proud and honored to be your principal. The people in this room have made Independence High School what it was intended to be. I am eternally grateful to all of you. Now--let's get this show on the road!"
        Graduation and commencement--an ending and a beginning had started.
        Matt and the ensemble took their places and started playing--and they didn't play "Pomp and Circumstance". I noticed that the daughter of Mother Loud-mouth was in line. I guess Mommy had decided graduation without "Pomp and Circumstance" was better than no graduation at all. The faculty marched in behind Ms. Jones and Mr. Allan, all dressed in academic regalia--gowns and colorful hoods. Immediately behind them were Derrick in his cap and gown and Michael dressed in the unofficial school uniform. The two young men, of course, marched directly to the stage with the administrators and faculty as did I. As soon as everyone was in place, the senior members of the ensemble joined their classmates while the underclassmen went to their reserved section. Eugene and Paula, of course, sat with the honors students as both, along with Larry, were wearing honors insignia. Matt came on stage and sat beside me. I wanted to reach out and grasp his hand, but refrained.
        After Ms. Jones welcomed the audience to the 1995 graduation exercises of Independence High School, Derrick went to the podium and said, "Ms. Jones, Mr. Allan, faculty, students, parents and friends, today a long-standing tradition of Independence High School is being broken. Traditionally, the president of the student body has introduced the valedictorian and salutatorian. But a young man, a sophomore, broke another long-standing tradition at Independence this spring. Rising seniors, as if by divine right, have always run for student body president for the coming year. This year, a sophomore ran for the office and not only won, but won by a landslide. He won because he had shown what a leader is, and that was recognized by his fellow students. The student body president-elect has, through his leadership, done more for Independence High School and the community than, I suspect, all the past student body presidents--myself included--have done. It is my expressed wish that he, not I, make the introductions this year. Michael Andrews."
        As Michael stood up to walk to the mike, the entire senior class stood en masse and started applauding, and soon the entire audience joined them. Michael nodded in acknowledgement of their applause, but it didn't stop. A few seconds later, he held up his hand for silence but the applause went on. The faculty had remained seated until Ms. Jones stood and started applauding. She was immediately joined by the entire faculty. Michael turned and looked around at them and started turning red. The applause continued and Michael said what Michael always says: "Holy shit!". Fortunately, he was still facing away from the mike and the applause drowned out everything, but Luke, Greywolf and I knew what he said and all three cracked up. Finally, Michael leaned into the mike and said, "Enough already! I have a picnic to attend when this is over and I'd like to make it before dark!" The audience laughed heartily, but gradually stopped applauding and sat down.
        "Ms. Jones, Mr. Allan..." Michael did the proper introduction and then said, "I am deeply honored at Derrick's gesture. While some wonderful things have happened at Independence this year and I may, in some way, have provided some of the leadership which helped bring them about, I take credit for them in no way. Others also have been leaders who stood for right and brought about changes. But without those who chose to follow good leadership, nothing would have happened. Leaders are leaders--for good or bad--because they have followers. Any good that may have been accomplished came about because good and decent people made wise choices in the leaders they followed."
        "I take special delight and am doubly honored to introduce the 1995 Independence High School valedictorians. There is no salutatorian. I am told that Ms. Jones and Ms. Norman used every conceivable means of calculating grades to be able to choose between the two men who will address you today, but each time came up with the same result, a tie." Michael turned toward Ms. Jones, smiled, and said, "I could have told you that. There is no way to choose between my brothers. Well, actually, you could have chosen the older over the younger. While they have the same birthday, one is fifteen minutes older than the other--and reminds us of that when it is to his advantage!"
        "The criterion for choosing valedictorians is simply grade point average. Given the fact that grades are now calculated to the second decimal point--utter foolishness since the original grade is a whole number and we all know or will know about significant numbers before we get out of the ninth grade--it is amazing that two students would end up in a tie. It is more amazing that the grade point average of these two men is 4.00, a perfect one." Michael again turned, this time to look at Matt and me, and said, "If they only knew how far from perfect you two are, but I won't tell!" The audience loved it.
        "As you will be told again later, their hard work and discipline as students is not going unrewarded. Both--along with Larry Watley, Eugene Willingham and Paula Wright--have received full scholarships to Oberlin College, not a mean feat. But in addition to the usual full scholarship, the five had also received a scholarship to pay for their books and fees." There was thunderous applause at Michael's announcement.
        "Grades make them valedictorians, but grades do not make a man or woman. It is other qualities which make them worthy of honor and respect as men and women. Personally, they have shown me qualities of love and concern, care and responsibility my entire life. They were patient when I wanted to learn to ride a bicycle, learn to swim, drive a car and in a thousand other things. They have demonstrated their love, sometimes tough love, throughout my life. When I was wrong, they let me know it. When I was right, they supported me without question. And that is far more important than grades."
        "The same has been true of their relationship to Independence High School. Their contributions to life here are well known. I need only mention the state and national recognition they brought to Independence--recognition given to no other school in this state, past or present. The concert and exhibition held a few weeks ago, for which these two men were responsible, received state and national radio and TV coverage. In connection to that, I am sure Paula Wright and the chorus, together with Eugene Willingham and the ensemble, would demand I mention the fact that their groups were invited to be a part of what was to be a recital by one of the valedictorians--a one man show. When he learned the chorus and ensemble would not be having a spring concert, rather than keep his recital as an ego trip, he asked that they become a part of it, making it a concert the likes of which Concord had never witnessed. Surely these two deserve to be honored by Independence for putting this school and this town on the map."
        "For these, and reasons too numerous to count, I am deeply honored and humbled, overjoyed and delighted, to present to you my brothers and the 1995 co-valedictorians of Independence High School, Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf and Luke Hans Yonghon Tongmu Larsen."
        I took a minute to recover from Michael's introduction, especially with his adding Yonghon Tongmu to my name. Matt looked at me and smiled, reached out for my hand and the two of us walked to the podium.
        Matt turned to Michael who was now seated behind us and said, "Thank you, Lil' Bro. Glad you could find something nice to say about us." We all three had huge smiles on our faces.
        Matt started our speech.
        MATT: "Ms. Jones, Mr. Allan, faculty, parents--especially our parents David and Margaret Andrews, Yong Jin and Patanka St. Michael Greywolf, Gabrielle and Jens Larsen--and friends.
        The human soul, it has been said, is divided between good and evil, right and wrong, prejudice and love, bigotry and acceptance, between, if you will, darkness and light. Darkness and light--these are in constant battle to determine whether life and the human spirit will prevail over death and nothingness. This year--especially this spring semester--has seen the battle between darkness and light raging in our school and our community.
        LUKE: While the war between darkness and light will never be over so long as there are human beings on earth, darkness fought well in Concord and Independence High School this year. And light is winning.
        MATT: Looking back, it began when the bigotry and prejudice of students in this school and this town drove a young man to utter despair because he was different. Daily taunting, name-calling, shunning was his life at Independence. But his despair was not enough to satisfy darkness. Bigotry and prejudice led three other young men, classmates of his, to beat and rape him. Raped and beaten because he was different, he was rejected by his parents because he was gay. Beaten by his father to a point near death, thrown out of his home, he was, literally, left in the street to die. Darkness had won a victory at Independence, a victory which found tacit approval by the Concord community when those guilty of the act were given no more than a slap on the wrist for their deed--they received probation. Yes, darkness claimed a major victory.
        [As Matt said those words, I looked at the seated seniors and saw the three weeping openly and wondered if we had made the right decision.]
        LUKE: But light was not defeated. A kind uncle rescued Gregory, took him to another state where he could enter a new school and have a new and better life.
        MATT: But darkness was not finished. It was not satisfied with the its victory. It demanded more and it won more. In one way or another, students at his new school learned Gregory was gay and the abuse and harassment started afresh. Again, he was hounded because he was different until finally, in utter despair, he saw no way out except the final--and dreadful way--he took his own life. Gregory was a sacrifice to the hatred and bigotry so loved by darkness. Yet even that was not enough to satisfy darkness. An administrator at this very school, in announcing to the student body Gregory's final desperate act, proclaimed Gregory should have expected what he got because of his choice of lifestyle. How could anyone believe Gregory chose to be hounded, literally, to his death? And how did his lifestyle warrant his death? The proclamation by the administrator implied, if not gave, his approval to the acts which drove Gregory to his death. Darkness celebrated and laughed at the foolishness of his servants.
        LUKE: But darkness did not win. Yes, Gregory was dead, a sacrifice to hatred and prejudice, a sacrifice which cost the world we know not what and can never know, for Gregory is dead, but darkness did not win. The administrator who had said Gregory should have expected what he received was immediately challenged by Patanka St. Michael Greywolf. Greywolf's challenge galvanized Michael Andrews, a sophomore, into action and he began an immediate student protest, a protest which led to the dismissal of the administrator. Further, Michael called upon the students of Independence to acknowledge their complicity in Gregory's fate. He called for a service of public repentance by the students of Independence, a service which was attended by most of the students of this high school. Those who gathered were students, such as myself, who had essentially stood by in silence when Gregory was hounded by abusive words and taunts in the halls and classrooms of this school--classrooms in which we were supposed to be learning what it means to be concerned human beings in a world of diversity. Darkness was not laughing. Light was shining for us all.
        Further, since Gregory's body had been cremated without ceremony, Michael called for a memorial service for him. The cost had been high--as it always is. In this case it cost the life of a young man of unknown potential, but light triumphed.
        MATT: But darkness and evil had not finished. The battle between darkness and light is not like a ball game--win or lose, it comes to an end--no, the battle continued. The same three young men who had attacked Gregory once again attacked some Independence students. Now legally adults, their probation was revoked and their attack was so outrageous they were charged with many serious offenses including attempted murder. Seeing nothing but emptiness in their future, the three tried to take their lives. Darkness had won a major victory and he laughed.
        LUKE: But not for long. Fortunately, the three young men were not successful in their suicide attempt. Alive, they revealed a well-known pattern. They abused because they had been abused. Perhaps out of fear at first, they revealed that they had been tools of a man who claimed to represent all that was right and good and holy. They had been victimized by one who claimed to serve light, but was a true servant of darkness. The young men who had beaten and raped Gregory had been raped and abused by a man who condemned those of us who are different. Their tormentor was a man who operated a child pornography business netting him hundreds of thousands of dollars. They were not only the victims of his sexual abuse, but also caught in his web and forced to make pornographic videos distributed world wide. Darkness had a powerful servant, but the young men chose to serve light. And because some people care and serve light through providing mental hospitals, the three were sent to the state mental hospital for treatment, and then to a halfway house where their treatment continues. Maybe we complain about taxes, but your tax dollars worked serving light, seeking to repair the damage done to the three young men. Because of their treatment, they are here today. They have a hard road ahead--no-one said living in the light was easy--and darkness has already exacted a tremendous price from them. It took their childhood, but light is winning their future for them.
        MATT: But the three were not the only ones who suffered from the darkness of that man. Eugene Joyce, simply because he took part in the service of repentance and memorial for Gregory, was beaten and left to die by his father--a father whose mind had been poisoned by the very man who had raped the three and who had also raped Eugene. Don't you know darkness was joyous at the possibility of destroying one as talented as Eugene? Darkness was pleased.
        LUKE: But darkness was not to have the four. All chose to serve light at a high cost to themselves. They all testified against the man who had victimized them. Their abuser will be a very old man before he sees the world--if he ever does--except through bars and razor wire. And justice is not finished with him yet. Light prevailed.
        Eugene, in spite of his nightmare and his father's condemnation of him as a liar, testified. Light had found, in him, a willing servant. Eugene was adopted by a loving woman, Millicent Willingham, and as a result is not only graduating with honors today but also, together with Matthew Greywolf and Paula Wright and the chorus and ensemble of this school, won honors no other school in this state has received. Eugene rose from the depths where darkness tried to keep him. Light was victorious.
        MATT: But darkness was not defeated. As Concord and Independence were celebrating the victory of light brought about by the concert and exhibition, darkness struck again. Operating out of hatred and prejudice, again with minds poisoned by the same man who had raped the young men and who had made himself wealthy selling child pornography, four young men and four young women plotted to destroy the work and life of Luke Larsen. Their leader slashed a painting in the exhibition while yelling slurs against the artist. When Michael Andrews again stood up for what is right and sought to prevent the destruction of the painting, he was slashed so badly there was little hope for his survival. And darkness laughed and laughed as Michael lay dying.
        LUKE: But Michael's death was not to be. Students and parents of this school lined up to give blood because there was not enough to save Michael. Literally gallons of blood were shed for Michael, shed as surely as if it had been shed on the battlefield--and it was. It was on the battlefield between darkness and light. Students maintained a vigil, a vigil marked by candle light when night came. Light was shining in the darkness. Darkness discovered light had many warriors at Independence High School.
        MATT: These are but some of the battles darkness has fought. Defeated in major battles, darkness, as always, becomes more subtle, more cunning, using small attacks to undermine light. When LaTisha Gregory took a stand against those who had slashed the painting and Michael, racial slurs were hurled at her. She was called "nigger", a coach--a so-called leader of young men--encouraged the vandalism of campaign posters, a student was attacked because he was gay. Subtle so-called jokes, slurs, name-calling and put-downs are still heard in these halls--and will be until the warriors of light demand they stop. Darkness is ever with us.
        LUKE: But so is light. LaTisha has a major scholarship to study jazz, the coach has been dismissed in disgrace, the student attackers have learned a painful lesson about violence. [I looked at Eugene and saw a huge smile on his face and on Larry's as well. Randy and Sandy were practically laughing out loud. Ben and Marc were looking very sullen.] Shortly you will learn of the accomplishments of the students graduating today. There is little doubt that this graduating class has been given more and larger scholarships than ever given to a graduating class at Independence. There is no question this class will set a record for SAT scholars. Every student in the careers program has received a job offer and/or apprenticeship. The present is a witness to the victory of light this year at Independence.
        MATT: But the war is not over. As surely as Independence exists next year, there will be new battles. Hatred, prejudice and bigotry do not take a holiday. Darkness waits for the smallest chance to attack. Darkness smirks.
        LUKE: Yet as this class graduates, we leave behind mighty warriors of light. We leave an administration which will not tolerate hatred and bigotry, a dedicated administration which has already demonstrated it will not tolerate darkness, doing battle against it whenever it appears, an administration which will give all the support it can to the light. We leave behind a faculty which has witnessed what it can do and knows it cannot do less in the future. We leave behind a student body president who knows well the power of darkness and who has demonstrated his stance as a warrior for right. And this is most important of all, we leave behind a student body which has shown through difficult times that those who question the values and responsibility among the youth of today are fools, tools in the hands of darkness.
        MATT: Darkness has fought a good fight this year at Independence and will continue to fight. Never forget that. Never forget that.
        LUKE: But light has triumphed! And light will triumph in the years to come because we know it can and we know it must. Thank you.
        There was deadly silence then the audience went wild. Michael hopped from his chair and ran to the podium to hug both of us. Ms. Jones was right behind him. The seniors, who had been applauding wildly started war whoops and when I turned to look, Jake Hilliard, Danny Elrod and Buddy Johnson were running toward the stage. They ran up the steps three at a time and all three embraced me and Matt, crying for all they were worth. Matt and I hugged them as the seniors and other students continued the war whoops.
        Once Ms. Jones got order restored, Ms. Norman started announcing the scholarships and apprenticeships. While I had mentioned them in my speech, I was bowled over when I heard them named one by one. Independence's seniors had, indeed, set an amazing new record.
        The rest of the ceremony was just the usual--giving out awards--of which there were many--and diplomas. Matt returned to his new toy and the recessional marked the end of the graduation ceremony. An ending had just taken place. Suddenly I realized I was in unknown territory. Matt walked up to me and said, "I feel like that little kid I was twelve years ago when the next day was my first day at school. I had thought about it, been told about it, but I was frightened because it was new and unknown."
        "So do I, Sarang Hanun Pomul, so do I."

 Matt

        A soon as we could get away, Matt and I, Eugene and Larry, Paula and Jacob left school and headed for my place. When we got there, the rest of the Fellowship had already changed into shorts and shirts for the picnic. We five seniors rushed upstairs and did the same. When Mom saw us she said, "You have changed! We all wanted pictures of you seniors in your caps and gowns at the falls."
        "No problem, Yong Jin," Luke said as he slipped on his gown and once again tried to balance his cap atop his blond Afro.
        "By the way," Michael said as we left the house, "I learned nothing was planned for Jake, Danny and Buddy--their parents have more or less abandoned them--so I invited them to our picnic. They weren't sure they would come...."
        "Would you?" Bill asked. "That would take a hell of a lot of guts. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hope they come. A lot of people are going to have to reach out to them if they are to make it, but it sure won't be easy for them to show up at a celebration where the people they might see as having put them in jail will be."
        "Yea," Linda said, "but if they have made any progress at all, they know that our pressing charges against them was their only hope for salvation". It's easy to forget most of the time that Linda has a good brain, then she comes out with an insight like that.
        "Well, if they decide to come, Ms. Jones will be bringing them."
        One of the nice things about living where we do is that there is little traffic so we felt free to hold hands and walk down the middle of road toward the falls. The gate put in for David's and Margaret's wedding was kept closed except when necessary. When we reached the fence, we all crawled through rather than open the gate, only Matt and Paula getting their gowns caught on the barbs. As I bent to untangle Matt's gown I said, "Better a throw-away gown, Lover, than your face," and kissed him.
        When we reached the falls, all the parents wanted to make pictures and we were posing first one place and then the other. Everyone was careful to not get too much in the picture because the four guys looked kinda silly with bare legs below their gowns. But leave it to Millie--she kept having us move back and when she made a picture said, "I think I'll have that one made into a poster and call it 'Barefoot Graduates'". Well, we were barefoot. We had kicked off our shoes as soon as we reached the falls.
        Mom, Gabrielle, Margaret and Millie had started getting the food laid out. Paula's and Larry's moms were helping. Soon people started coming in. When Dr. and Mrs. Walker arrived, they were carrying two gift-wrapped packages. "You can put those on one of the tables over there," Millie said. I looked where she pointed and there were a couple tables with name tags for graduation gifts. Before the day was over, it would be piled high.
        Suddenly I had a sinking feeling. I turned to Luke and said, "Luke, I forgot to give..."
        "We forgot to give each other our birthday presents! Damn!"
        Greywolf heard us and laughed and said, "From the looks on your faces the next morning, I doubt that very seriously". I blushed and Luke laughed. "Seems each of you gave yourself to the other. Pretty big birthday present I should think. Save the other for Thursday night and the party."
        "Makes sense," Luke said. "You know, Sarang Hanun Pomul, we forgot just about everything that night!"
        "I did, everything except you."
        All this was said as the five of us got lined up in a cap and gown, barefooted receiving line as people came. Chelsea and Gladys gave each of us a hug as they came down the line. Fr. Tom said to Jacob, who was standing behind Paula, "Young Man, I understand you have captured the heart of the prettiest and most talented woman in the graduating class. You are to be commended on your taste in women." Jacob blushed and Paula laughed. Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson shook hands with all us men and hugged Paula, giving her a kiss on the cheek. I was surprised to see Mr. Fox. He was with a beautiful young woman he introduced to us as Ms. Paris then said, "So all the stockholders of the Oberlin Five, Inc. are here. Some serious investing you are doing. Think you might do some for me?" he laughed. Several other people came, some friends of Paula's I did not know. Several teachers came. When Mr. Mitchell came, Luke said, "The man deserves a cheer." We were happy to oblige. Ms. Norman came with her husband. Strange how you never think teachers have a life outside of school. Mr. Allan was also with his wife--a real looker. In all I guess about fifty people showed up in addition to the Family.
        It seemed we had done our social duty when Ms. Jones appeared, followed by Jake, Buddy and Danny. The three seemed hesitant, but when they reached us, we greeted them like long-lost friends. I'm sure all of us were thinking about Bill's statement that if they were to make it, people had to reach out to them. And, man, it did take guts to show up.
        "Ok, one more picture, then we eat," Millie said. "You three, borrow a cap and gown and get over here by the falls." The three complied--I mean Millie had spoken, what choice did they have?
        The food--need it be said?--was excellent. Soon older and younger adults fell on it like a plague of locust. I mean it was almost 5:00 and we hadn't eaten anything after the church reception. Soon everyone was groaning from having eaten too much. People were sitting down in groups talking, then getting up and moving to a different group. Luke and I were sticking close together. I saw Jens smile at us once and, when we walked over to him, he said, "I guess no-one would know you were on your honeymoon from the sad look on your faces," and laughed.
        Luke looked over to where Mr. Mitchell was standing alone for the moment and said, "Matt, I think this would be a good time to thank Mr. Mitchell". We walked over and Luke said, "Mr. Mitchell, there is no way Matt and I can ever thank you enough for your faith in us but, even more than that, I'll never forget you admonishing us to take time just to enjoy being alive. That's meant a great deal to me especially since... well... well... since I tried not to live. Calculus I might have been able to live without, but that lesson I..."
        "We," I interjected.
        "We needed to endure all that has happened since you first gave it to us. Thanks." Luke grabbed Mr. Mitchell in a bear hug which he returned, then I hugged him as well.
        "A teacher lives for such moments," he said. "They are rare, but worth the wait." Mary Kathryn suddenly yelled, "Hey, you guys going to open presents or what?" None of us needed a second invitation. There were all kinds of gifts.
        Millie gave all five of us huge down parkas with fur trimmed hoods. We put them on over shorts and stood, barefooted. Everyone started laughing. "Laugh now," she said, "but next winter in Ohio you'll love me to death. I've been there!"
        One gift was addressed to the Oberlin Five and Paula got to open it. It was from all our parents and was a real nice digital camera. "We expect pictures from you all next year," Paula's mom said.
        When we had opened all our gifts, there were three packages left. They were addressed to Danny, Buddy and Jake. Mary Kathryn handed the packages to them. They seemed stunned for a moment, then started opening the gifts slowly. Inside were three very nice watches, all different. "Who're they from?" Mary Kathryn asked.
        "The card just says, 'Good luck and we're pulling for you.' It's not signed," Danny said. "Thanks to all of you for everything."
        "Ok, folks," Paula shouted, "It's time to get... " she paused and started taking off her clothes! I think all the Fellowship was standing with their mouths open as she continued, "in the water!" She started laughing like mad as she revealed a swim suit which showed off her stunning figure. Jacob gave a wolf whistle, stripped off his shorts--also revealing a swim suit--and the two of them raced to the top of the falls where Jacob grabbed Paula for a passionate kiss just before they dived into the basin.
        "If you forgot to bring swim wear," Greywolf said, "I think you might find something that fits in one of the baskets over here. Women to the cane brake to the right, men to the left." Matt and I had to dig out trunks from the basket. Danny, Buddy and Jake were standing back, but Luke tossed them trunks and soon the basin was full of young and old.
        Michael was standing in the water when David and Margaret walked in. "Guess Mom won't be doing any diving anytime soon," he said. "My two sisters are showing right well, don't you think?"
        It was pretty obvious that Margaret's figure had started undergoing a significant change.
        All the kids were diving from the top of the falls except Michael. Luke, Jacob, Bill and I were waiting for Michael to get out of the way below, when Danny, Jake and Buddy came up. Luke said, "Glad you guys decided to come. I know it wasn't easy."
        We all dived and, when we got into the basin, cut-to-the-chase Michael said, "Glad you guys showed up. I know it took a lot of guts."
        "Yea, it took more than I thought I had," Buddy said. "I wouldn't have except Ms. Jones kept insisting. She said we had to begin to associate with people again and knew that it would take guts and some real determination. But it also took a lot of heart and forgiveness for you to invite us."
        "Well, that's what it's all about, I think," Michael said. "Maybe we can talk about that. The adults will be leaving soon."
        "I think we would like that," Buddy said after reflecting for a minute or two. "I would anyway." About that time, the adults did start leaving and Ms. Jones asked, "Are you guys ready to go?"
        "I guess it'll have to wait," Buddy said. "Sorry, because now seems a good time and place."
        "It is," Michael said. "Here's where we come to be alone and think, or come to talk out things. Yes, this is a good place."
        "Ms. Jones," Bill said, "Linda and I can take the guys home if that's all right.'
        "I'm not sure. I had to sign them out of the halfway house. I'm not sure it would be permitted."
        "I'll call and see," David said. He was never far from his pager and cell phone. The guys gave him the number and he called. He talked for several minutes, then still holding the phone he said, "Couldn't get permission for you three to go back with Bill, but if an adult will take responsibility..."
        "May I use your phone?" Chelsea asked, and took it when David nodded. "I want to talk with these guys anyway."
        While Chelsea was on the phone, Greywolf walked to the edge of the basin after he got dressed and said, "Think you fellows could load everything? David and Yong Jin have gone to the house to get the vans so we can carry stuff back."
        "Sure," Bill answered for all of us, and we climbed out of the water and started gathering up things. By the time we had the first load to the meadow, David and Mom had the vans waiting. We quickly loaded them, then Bill said, "We'll walk to the house and help unload."
        "You can do that later," Greywolf said, "Why don't enjoy the falls a bit longer? Matt, remember you have to move the furniture in the den so there will be a place for the organ."
        "We'll all help," Jacob volunteered.
        "Well, take your time at the falls. It will still be here when you finish."
        It was arranged for Chelsea and Gladys to take the guys back to what would be their home for the foreseeable future, the halfway house, and she came over to the edge of the basin.
        "Guys, I've been hatching a plot and would like to talk to you."
        "We also wanted to talk to the others," Danny said. Soon all three of them, the Fellowship and Gladys and Chelsea were sitting on blankets on the beach.
        Danny opened the conversation, "I guess what I wanted to say--what we wanted to say--to you guys--and Paula, Linda and Mary Kathryn--is that we are sorry for what we tried to do to you. We have been in pretty intensive therapy and gotten a lot of shit--pardon ladies--straightened out. Buddy, Jake and I have all talked about why we did what we did and I think we know why--that doesn't excuse it or change it or make it right. Also, it doesn't mean we don't still have some of the same irrational thoughts and feelings."
        "Yea, we were all filled with rage over what had been done and was being done to us and we felt helpless against McBride so the rage got directed elsewhere--where it didn't belong. Today I saw all your friends--old and young--around you celebrating your graduation and when I saw how happy your parents were, I felt rage rising up in me--against you. I found myself becoming enraged because you had everything and I had nothing. You were being loved and I was hated. Didn't make sense that I was enraged against you folks, but I was. The difference was that I recognized what was going on inside and was able to stop it. Sometimes I still can't," Jake said quietly.
        "Eugene, I find it very hard not to direct my rage at you,' Buddy said. "You were in the same boat with us and you escaped. That makes me feel weak and rotten. Why couldn't I have been strong enough to escape? But it wasn't to be." He, then the other two, started telling us about the whole rotten mess with McBride. Unlike Eugene, he had been giving them drugs and alcohol when they were mere kids--with predictable results. McBride had them right where he wanted them. Suddenly the three were telling us horror stories of how they were abused. The videos often showed them, they said, being absolute animals to each other because that's what McBride's customers wanted, but they stuck together because they were all they had. McBride pimped for them, often giving them to older men who were into every kind of perverted sex. It got so graphic that suddenly I was sick to my stomach. I jumped up and ran into the cane brake where I started throwing up my guts. About the time I was going into dry heaves, Chelsea appeared. She had a wet towel which she applied to my forehead and gradually I stopped heaving.
        "I guess I'm just a wuss," I said.
        "No, you're a sensitive human being whose sensitivity hits him in the stomach. Matt, I'm sorry you had to hear all that... well... I guess I'm not. When a person gets a boil, it has to be lanced and drained of the pus and corruption inside. I know those three guys have spilled out the same sick mental pus in their therapy sessions, but I suspect there is a major difference between that and pouring it out to your peers and to those your mental and emotional illness has hurt. I think all of you have done them a great favor, allowing them to purge themselves of an infection of the mind as powerful as any of the body. Frankly, I have seen just about everything I thought, but I'll admit, I haven't come as close to being sick as I was today in years.... Are you ready to go back?" I nodded.
        When we reached the group, Mary Kathryn, Linda and Paula each were holding one of the three, all of whom were bawling like babies. As the three women--man, we were lucky to have three such strong women in our midst--held the three former tough guys, stroking their hair, Danny, Buddy and Jake gradually calmed down. Strange as it might seem, I noticed all of us guys were sitting quietly, patiently. Sometimes, I guess, a woman's touch is what is needed and we knew it.
        The three finally gained control of themselves and Chelsea said, "Fellows, I have talked with the director of the halfway house and with your therapists and all agree that if you are willing, you can work in the hospice. It won't be easy. You'll be dealing with people who are dying and know it. You'll be doing some pretty unpleasant work--changing diapers on adults, cleaning them when they soil themselves, feeding people who can't do it themselves. But I think you might draw strength from those who are facing certain death, but who are dealing with who and where they are so you can learn who you are and where you choose to be headed. You'll still live at the halfway house, but one of you will be on night duty and sleep at the hospice--if you get any sleep. In return, the hospice will pay you a small, very small, stipend to get what you have to have. And a bit more. Your therapy will be paid for as long as you need it--Judge Snow has seen to that--but you'll need money for college. A generous supporter of the hospice had agreed to pay your expenses at Lexington Community College so long as you maintain passing grades. Of course, getting to Lexington would be a problem, but the college holds extension classes in Concord. You can take courses here for the two years needed to get your associates' degree, then you'll be ready to move on. I don't want an answer now. I want you to talk about it among yourselves, think about it on your own and spend some time at the hospice--we have two patients already and I am sure more will come soon. When you have made your decision, one way or the other, let me know."
        Again, silence. Finally Danny asked, "Why are you all doing this for us?" His voice was filled with suspicion.
        "Because we think you can be redeemed and that's better than having three people rotting in prison or a mental hospital costing the state money rather than contributing to it," Gladys said. "Actually, it's just good economics--as well as the right thing to do." Silence again, then Gladys said, "Ok, fellows, you know what you've got to do. Now it's time Chelsea and I get you back."
        The three were profuse in their thanks for the afternoon and left, all three a bit teary eyed. Who knows what will happen with them? I surely didn't, but at least there was a possibility that they might become worthwhile citizens and I felt good--still queasy--but good.
        We all went back to the falls and it was obvious that Paula was in command. All the women were skinny dipping. Needless to say, the trunks we were still wearing were shed quickly. We all swam for another hour and then got dressed and went to my place.
        Since school was out, Mom and Dad said we should move the desks out of the den to make room for the organ. We put them in the downstairs guest room and decided that was all that needed moving. In spite of the fact that we had eaten more than enough in the late afternoon, Mom prepared more food and we all sat around the dining room table, laughing and talking about the day. It had been a wonderful day for all of us. We were in complete agreement about that. The talk got serious when the three guys came up, but soon became light-hearted again until Michael said, "Commencement--a beginning. But it's also an ending."
        Again we were all lost in our thoughts for a time until Bill said, "Well, I for one am ready for an ending and a new beginning. I don't think I could have stood the pace much longer. My good God, how have we lived and stayed sane for the past three months? I guess if I were a religious person, I'd have to say that was the answer--good God. Even if I am not overly religious, I guess I'd have to say that."
        "Yea," Paula said. "How else would you explain it? But does it matter? Who would believe it if we told them?"
        "Well, I've got to run," Jacob said. "I know my dad has a ton of chores for me this week--and we do have a party Thursday and break loose Saturday night. Laters."
        After the others had left, Michael said, "I've got to go. Today has really been great, but I have about had it. Wild Woman, drive me home?" Mary Kathryn's kiss was a positive answer. Only Luke and I were left.
        "Sons, if you can spare the time, how about a glass of wine with your mom and me?" Mom got glasses and we all four went into the den. "Matt, Luke, I have been proud of you two all your life. You are, even allowing for my natural prejudice, two very exceptional young men. I have heard a lot of graduation speeches and usually I could recite them without having seen them before the speaker stood up, but I have never heard speeches with the power yours had. They will be remembered, I'm sure."
        "I agree," Mom said. "It took real men to give them. I am sinfully proud of you two."
        We sat and talked, drinking our wine. When we finished the wine, we talked some more. I suddenly realized that graduation had, for Mom and Dad, changed our status in their eyes. Sure, they talked about our being grown men, but now we were being treated as grown men. I liked it, but I also found it sad. What about those times when I needed to be a little boy again? I guess I'd have to wait to find out.
        "Greywolf, do you know when the organ is arriving?" Luke asked.
        "I suspect around 9 or 10. The movers were to be at the school at 8 to pick it up. Shouldn't take long to get it ready to move the short distance it has to be moved."
        "Sunrise as usual tomorrow?" Luke asked.
        "We could put it off to Tuesday," Dad answered.
        "I would like to go ahead with it. Everything's changing. I'd like to keep what I can unchanged."
        "I would too, Dad," I said.
        "Then it's sunrise as usual," Dad said. "I'll call Jens and David. I guess that means early to bed or you two will play around the rest of the night and not make it."
        What Luke had referred to was a tradition the families established about the time the two of us were born. Prior to that, each family had a garden, but with David's and Jens' schedules--Gabrielle's and Elizabeth's as well--their gardens were a real chore. Since Mom and Dad were out of school for most of the summer, they offered to have a common garden. Dad had always done a Lakota blessing of the garden when he started spring planting and Jens had his own blessing, but when they started the common garden at our place, both blessings were kept, but took place the day after school was out at sunrise. Of course, things had been planted before the first of June, but I guess a retroactive blessing worked as well as any.
        After Jens and Dad did the blessing, Gabrielle, Mom and Elizabeth prepared furrows and the men planted seeds. For the first time, as I thought about it, I realized there was something very sexual about that. Since Mom had been given a summer fellowship to study Hopi culture, corn was always the seed planted in the symbolic blessing and planting of the garden. After the ceremony, we all had breakfast together. This year, Margaret would participate for the first time.
        It was a great family tradition. The blessing and planting were, of course, ceremonial, but sometimes I think it is ceremony which keeps us going. During the summer, Mom and Dad, along with the Gang of Four, do most of the work of tending the garden. But the entire family gathers once a week to work together and share a meal afterward.
        I was with Luke. I wanted the sunrise blessing of the garden this year, perhaps more than ever before.
        We said goodnight to Mom and Dad and went up to my room. After making gentle, tender love, we lay in each others arms and talked about the day. It had really been wonderful. Then, our hard bodies snuggled together, we drifted off to sleep, two very, very happy high school graduates.
        
 Part Forty-three
Matt
                        
        While Luke and I had not made love all night--just enough--and actually had gone to sleep early, Sunday had been a long--wonderful, exciting, tremendous, but long--day so we didn't wake up. Dad came upstairs and knocked on our door well before dawn. We got up, took a quick shower, Luke shaved and we got dressed. Downstairs, Mom had coffee and juice ready as we would have breakfast after the blessing of the garden.
        While we sat in the kitchen, Dad went into his room and dressed as a traditional Lakota--which he was, deep inside. While we were still at the table, the rest of the Family arrived--it is just understood that Jens and Gabrielle, David and now Margaret would not be at work the first day school was out. We all had coffee and then went to the garden. Dad began chanting a Lakota prayer as he waved smoking braids of sweet grass and sage over the garden, fanning the smoke about with a branch of cedar. The fragrance of the burning grass and sage floated on the morning air.
        Jens then did a blessing of the garden, sprinkling holy water over the ground. He had been concerned that he could not get holy water from Immaculate Conception and mentioned it to Fr. Tom who had laughed and said, "Jens, if you think it will do, we use holy water at times too, you know." Jens said he didn't know and took the water Fr. Tom gave him.
        When the two blessings were done, the three women began digging furrows. They had just started when Mary Kathryn took up a hoe and started making a fourth one. All of this, as usual, was done in silence. When the men started planting the seeds, Michael grabbed a handful and started planting the furrow Mary Kathryn had made. Luke looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and I said quietly, "Later".
        Just as the last seed was placed in the furrows and the women had covered them, the sun rose above the horizon. We were all dressed to work in the garden, but that would be all that was done until after breakfast.
        Breakfast on the day of the garden blessing was always a joyous affair and this one was no exception. While we were just sitting around drinking an after-breakfast coffee, I asked, "Mary Kathryn, when did you and Michael decide to participate in the planting?"
        "About two seconds before I grabbed the hoe. At least that's when I did. I didn't decide, I just did it and don't know why."
        "As soon as I saw Mary Kathryn I knew what to do. Like her, I didn't decide, I just did it. Strange."
        "Maybe not," I mused. "Dad, there seems to be something kinda sexual in the whole ceremony of planting. I mean women open the ground and men plant. That struck me this morning."
        "Matt, it is I'm sure. Take a look at any agricultural society and if you scratch the surface, you'll find the whole planting thing is related to sex, remember the fertility goddesses? All who had them were agricultural cultures you'll recall. I suspect you wouldn't have to look very far afield to find a culture where what Mary Kathryn and Michael did amounted to marriage or at least engagement."
        "Don't you go getting any ideas, Michael Andrews!" Jens said in his best stern father voice.
        I guess Dad saw a questioning look on my face because he said, "Matt, you and Luke are different from a majority of the people in the world. You know that. You will no doubt recall your mother's first reaction at learning you were in love with Luke. Her first reaction was that you would not have grandchildren for us. That's not why you two are in the world. Sometimes that will be--no doubt--painful, but you and Luke are here to make other contributions. Never, ever, forget that! It is not a mistake. You are different for a reason. You are not mistakes!"
        "I guess," Luke said. "that explains a question a ninth grade girl asked me after Matt and I announced we were a gay couple. She asked, 'Which one of you is the woman?' I didn't really know what she meant, so I just told her, 'Neither. We are both very much men. Can't you see that?' and she said 'Oh,' and walked off in that swishy ninth grade girl walk. I guess the world thinks it has to be divided into men and women. But I'll admit, today was the first time I really--I mean really-- thought about our being men--I mean, you know--men in love and a couple."
        "And a handsome one, I might add," Gabrielle said. While that ended the discussion, I was sure it was not the end of the question for Luke and me, especially when everyone expects you to be like everyone else.
        "Well, while we are on this sex and planting bit--and I really did feel this morning was special--I guess I have an announcement to make," Margaret said. "It's still early so the results are very tentative, but it appears Michael was right. I had an ultrasound this week--I couldn't wait any longer--and it appears as nearly as anyone can tell that Michael will have two sisters by Thanksgiving at the latest," Margaret announced.
        "Kathryn Elizabeth and Mary Margaret, don't you forget," Michael smiled.
        "Don't you think that is really too much name for the poor girls to bear?" Yong Jin asked.
        "Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf's mom would ask that question?" Michael sure had her on that one. "Anyway, they'll be called Elizabeth and Mary so there's no confusion between mother and daughter even though I'd really like them to be called Elizabeth and Margaret. But none of this short nicknamey stuff!"
        "Nicknamey stuff?" David asked.
        "Yea, Dad, you know: Liz and Maggie, that kind of nicknamey stuff."
        "Well, Michael, I suspect we can keep names straight if you want to call one of the girls Margaret," Margaret said. "We seem to be able to avoid comnfusion when we talk about the family--I mean whether we mean all of us or just one of the families within the family. Seems reasonable we could keep two Margarets straight," she laughed, then added, "But if it turns out you're wrong, Michael, Margaret wouldn't fit a boy very well."
        "I don't know why you keep questioning my ancient wisdom and powers," Michael said and hugged Margaret.
        "May be more truth than fiction to that," Greywolf mused.
        "I'd really like to have the girls to be called by the names of my two moms," Michael said and it was clear this was important to him and he was showing Margaret great respect.
        "Ok, so it's Elizabeth and Margaret if that's ok with your dad," Margaret smiled and hugged Michael, obvioulsy pleased. "Is that ok with you, David?"
        "Sure. Actually I like it if your comfortable with it," he smiled at his wife.
        "Very comfortable," was her response.

 Luke

         Breakfast was a wonderful time together, but at 7:00 Dad said, "Well, I guess it's work time". We all went back to the garden. The parents were making furrows and planting while the Gang of Four tackled the weeding of earlier plantings. Margaret called to Michael once, warning him not to overdo the work. "You may think you're as good as new, but you still have healing to do."
        Michael is one of those blonds the rest of us hate. He tans as if by magic so he had, of course, taken his shirt off. A look at his chest was a reminder of just how seriously he had been cut, but he wasn't overdoing the work. He was spending most of his time gazing at Mary Kathryn. "Michael, look at the weeds, not Mary Kathryn," I laughed.
        "Man, if you knew how I felt about my wild woman you wouldn't say that," he answered.
        "Think I might have some idea about being in love," I responded.
        "Well, if I were you, I'd be jealous. Matt's paying no attention to you."
        Of course, Matt never had to worry about the sun and it was hard to keep clothes on him when he was just a baby. I looked at my dark beauty, shirtless and in short shorts, his hard body gleaming with sweat in the morning sun. "Michael, did you say something?" he asked.
        "Yea, I said you weren't with us. Why do you keep looking down the road? As if I didn't know!" Michael laughed. It was true. Matt was paying little attention to what he was doing. Instead he kept looking down the road.
        "Matt, it won't be here before 9:00 at the earliest," I said. "Now let's get to work so you can be free when it does arrive."
        Matt looked up with a sheepish grin and said, "Ok," and really did get to work. By 9:30 we were finished with the morning's work in the garden and Matt's other organ still had not arrived. He was quickly becoming a basket case when everyone went home to get cleaned up. They would all be back; we were having lunch at the Greywolf's. Of course, I stayed and Matt and I showered together, playing around a little bit, but he wouldn't stay still long enough for much.
        As we were just finishing with our hair, Yong Jin yelled up from downstairs, "They're here."
        The movers got the organ and speakers in the house and the Rodgers man started having them move the speakers around and testing one placement then another until he was finally satisfied. "Anyone here play?" he asked. I thought it kinda strange that he had just spent an hour getting speakers placed with no idea anyone could play until I noticed the grin on his face. Then I remembered seeing him at graduation. "Want to take her out for a spin?" he asked Matt. I knew that for the moment at least I was in second place as Matt practically leaped on the organ bench. He cut down on Millie's surprise--the Widor "Toccata". I was afraid we would all be blasted into the next county before he finished. "I guess that answers my question," the Rodgers rep laughed. "If you have any questions or problems, give me a call," he said as he handed Greywolf his card. Matt was in another world and didn't hear a word he said.
        Lunch was on the late side as we all sat in the den listening to Matt play. My man sure knows how to handle an organ--ok, so I knew that already, but I was talking about the Rodgers! After lunch, Matt could hardly wait to get back to playing. He played for an hour without stopping. Finally, he started playing what we had all been waiting for and soon we were all singing "More". I guess some people would think we were all nuts, but there were five couples singing to each other as though they were the only two people in the world.
        When we finished the song, no one said anything. We just all got up and the five couples--three sets of parents and two kid couples-- walked hand-in-hand to the falls carrying picnic baskets. This was the second part of the family tradition for the first day school was out.
        The day at the falls was another happy-sad time, everyone realizing that this would be the last time we were together as we always had been. Late in the afternoon, the five couples were scattered about the beach, talking, laughing, expressing love for their partners. "Matt, what do you think Greywolf meant when he said we were here to make a different contribution to the world?"
        "Luke, I have thought about us more than once when I see our parents together and even when I see Michael and Mary Kathryn together. Our parents have children--of course they all have made and will make other contributions--but they have had children. I am positive that Michael and Mary Kathryn will do the same. I mean, I don't know whether or not they will stay together until they get together for good, but I keep having that dream in which I see Michael and Mary Kathryn and she is holding a baby, his baby. But--Luke, you and I will never have children--at least not our own. So I guess what Dad was saying is that we are here to do something else as our contribution to life. Sure be easier just to have kids."
        "I'm not sure Jens would agree," I laughed as I kissed Matt softly. "But if we make no other contribution, we can show the world what love is all about, I mean real love."
        We all eventually ended up on Lookout Rock watching the sunset, then walked home in the twilight. Matt and I had decided we would split our nights between our homes, so we went to my place where we found we were very comfortable making love.
        Since school was out, the Gang of Four had chores to do--after all we do live on farms. We talked with Jens, David and Greywolf about what needed doing and worked out a plan for the week. As always, the Gang of Four worked together and this year, three of us had to take up any slack that Michael couldn't handle--which proved to be very little.
        Tuesday, after work, Matt and I took a long hot shower and then made mad passionate love. I know our first time will always be special, but I can tell you that, as with any art, practice improves technique! Matt had learned to take things slow and easy--sometimes too slow and too easy--but man, he was a real love machine. I was getting no complaints either! After making love for a good, long, wonderful time, we lay in each others arms, just snuggling together, enjoying being alive--bless Mr. Mitchell. We took another quick shower, got dressed and went downstairs. After supper, the rest of the family showed up and Matt played for us again. It was great--more memories stored up.
        When the parents had gone, the Gang of Four sat on the front porch, talking and cuddling. "Luke, why don't we call Nelson and meet him in Lexington tomorrow afternoon? We can take that much time away from chores. We could meet him and then do some shopping. We need to pick up some things for the summer and we could do that in Concord, but I'd like to see Nelson."
        "You two like to go with us?" I asked.
        "Sure. I'd like to get away from here awhile," Michael answered.
         
Eugene    
   
        After all the to-do over graduation, Larry and I went to his place to spend time with his mom. I had mentioned to Larry that we had been so wrapped up in what was going on and with each other that she had seldom seen him. Larry agreed and we decided to spend some time at his place before he left for the summer. I knew his mom, after all I spent as much time at his place as I could before all hell broke loose, but we had never really had a kind of family time with her. She was very pleased when we told her we would be spending time at their place before Larry had to leave.
        When we got back from the picnic, she was sitting in the living room, looking through a box of photographs. She started to put them away when we came in, but I asked her if I could see them. After all, I hadn't known Larry the way Matt and Luke knew each other. We spent two hours looking at pictures of Larry and his family while his mother told stories about when he was a young kid. I loved it and Larry got embarrassed several times. There were many pictures, but none of what I would call a happy family. Without thinking, I said that.
        "You're right, Eugene. We never were really a family. Larry's dad was a big man on campus and all the girls were all over him. Of course, I had a crush on him and when he asked me out, I was in heaven. We dated a few times before he started telling me how much he loved me and that if I loved him, there was no reason we couldn't have sex. I was innocent and stupid and fell for his line. He assured me I wouldn't get pregnant--which was the only thing holding me back--and I finally gave in. I insisted he use protection, but he told me it didn't feel good and that we didn't need it. Well--Larry, I should have told you before, I guess--but you know what happened. When I told him I was pregnant, he started screaming and yelling, asking how I could allow it to happen."
        "He insisted that I get an abortion but I had no money and, besides, I was young and in love--at least I thought I was-and I was carrying his child, so I refused. As soon as he knew I was pregnant, he wanted nothing to do with me. I thought about all sorts of things--including suicide--but did nothing. I felt so rotten--I mean morning sickness is no fun--all I wanted to do was die. My mom was pretty smart and figured out what was going on from my mornings in the bathroom. When she confronted me, I told her I was pregnant. She told my dad who wanted to kill Larry's father but, when he got calmed down, Mom and Dad decided to call the Watleys. The four of them got together and decided we should get married. Both Larry's father and I were seniors in high school and the baby wasn't due until late summer. 'You two can finish high school, but you're getting married now,' Mr. Watley said. He was a very forceful person and Larry's father was afraid of him, so we 'ran away' and got married over spring break."
        "Well, to make a long story short, Larry's father was already having sex with another girl and that didn't stop when we got married. I put up with his playing around because I saw no way out. When Larry came out of the closet, it was an excuse for his father to leave, which he did. It was the best thing that had happened to me in years."
        "It was the best thing for both of us," Larry said and hugged his mom.
        "I'm sure glad you were broke when you got pregnant," I said and I meant it.
        "So am I," she said, "but I can tell you there have been plenty of times I wished I hadn't been. I don't mean I haven't loved Larry. He has been the delight of my life and still is, but there have been times that, had I not had him, I would have gotten out of the mess I had made of my life by listening to a man's lies."
        We talked for a long time about the hard life she had led and how much Larry had meant to her and how proud she was of him.
        When we went to bed, Larry was hot as a fire cracker and ready to make love big time. I felt a bit uneasy about making love at Larry's since we had been used to making love at my place and, as Millie had pointed out, her bedroom was in another wing of the house. There was only a bathroom between Larry's mom's bedroom and his. Larry sensed my reluctance and finally asked, "What's wrong, Gene? Why don't you want to make love?"
        "I do, Lar, believe me, I do, but...."
        "But what? What's the problem?"
        "Honest?"
        "Yes, honest."
        "Lar, I do. I am as ready as you are, but I feel uneasy making love in your house."
        "Why? What's wrong with my house?"
        "Well, it's not your house, Lar. It's you. When we make love you make all kinds of noise and you say things I just as soon your mom not hear. And, besides, you are a screamer."
        "I'm a WHAT? A screamer? I don't believe you!"
        "Well, you are. When you cum, you scream."
        "I do not! And I promise I'll be real quiet."
        "You'd better be!" I said and Larry started getting me ready to make love. He kissed me passionately and soon even I was ready to say things I wouldn't want his mom to hear! Finally I said, "Lar, I'm ready. I want you inside me now!" Soon his man's tool was inside and he was making love to me and I was loving it. He did manage to be reasonably quiet but, when he plunged all the way in, I knew he was about to explode inside me. He took a deep breath and I knew what was next. I quickly grabbed a pillow and shoved it in his face just in time to keep his scream from being heard halfway across town. When he collapsed atop me, I couldn't help but laugh. "Babe, if that wasn't a scream I silenced, I don't know what one is."
        I could barely make out Larry's face the room was so dark, but I did see a sheepish grin on his face as he said, "Gene, you make a man feel so good, screaming is just natural!"
        We lay in each others arms for awhile, kissing and talking of our love and then I made love to Larry. We both got the giggles when, just as my world exploded into a Fourth of July fireworks display, he hit me in the face with a pillow.
        In the wonderful feeling of having made love we lay side by side, looking into each others eyes even though the room was dark and talked about what a wonderful life we had and how surprised we were that we did. "It's a wonderful life, Lar," I said, "because I have you and we have so many people who love and care for us. Who would have thought we would ever be so loved?"
        "Yea, we've had hard times, Gene, but we are surely loved. And you are loved above all."
        "So are you, Lover." We continued talking about the things lovers talk about until we fell asleep.
        When morning came, we had breakfast with Larry's mom and told her we were going to work on a tape for Matt's and Luke's birthday. "Mr. Greentree has told me I can use the editing equipment at the station so we're driving over. It'll take two or three days, I suppose," Larry said.
        "While you are there, see what you need to take over for the summer," she told us.
        When we got home from Lexington, I had a certified letter calling me as a witness in the McBride case. I was to report at 9:00 Wednesday the 14th. It also said I would be assigned a room in the Lexington Hotel--not the finest, but adequate, Millie called it, and I was to expect to be involved in the trial for at least two weeks. At least two weeks? I guess my summer had just been planned for me. I got very angry--very, very angry. In fact I just lost it because, even from the jail, McBride was messing with my life. I was so out of control that Millie called the therapist and told her I needed to see her now. She said she would meet us at her office. Larry drove me over since I was incapable of driving myself.
        Larry and I had been seeing her on a weekly basis recently and I thought everything was fine. But it was obvious it was not. After she had seen me, she wanted to put me in the hospital for a few days, but I finally convinced her I would be better off at home. She relented and gave me a prescription and told me I could go home after she talked to Larry--provided I saw her every day for a while. She made appointments each day until I was scheduled to go to Lexington for the trial.
        When Larry came out of her office, I was still shaking and he hugged me to himself until I got control again. We went by the drugstore and got the prescription filled. When the druggist gave it to Larry, he said something about it but I didn't hear what he said. I asked Larry what the druggist and the therapist had said to him and he responded, "They told me to make sure I kept an eye on you. I told them I planned to do that for the rest of my life," he laughed, leaned over and kissed me.

 Larry

        Millie and I were both surprised and scared shitless when Gene read the letter about the trial. At first he just seemed resigned to the fact that much of his summer was going to be spent in the McBride shit, then he absolutely lost it. He started shaking, screaming and throwing things. I grabbed him and held him while Millie called the therapist. He was finally calm enough for me to drive him to see her even though it was long after office hours. Millie was afraid he would lose it again while I was driving, but finally consented to my taking him alone.
        After the session with Gene, the therapist called me in to talk about the situation. She said she was not surprised at Gene's reaction and, in fact, had expected it before. "The letter was just a trigger to release all he has been holding inside. He has been so busy and so involved lately that he didn't allow himself to fall apart, but now the concert and school are behind him, he has time to come unglued--and he did, big time. Maybe if he hadn't been so involved, he would have worked through more stuff, but that's just guessing. I do know he is in a very bad place right now. I would like to have him in the hospital where he can be watched but, when I saw how agitated he was becoming, I decided I wouldn't force the issue. I am giving him some medication to help him keep better control, but not enough to prevent his getting rid of some of his anger and rage. I want you or someone to have him in your sight at all times. And I mean at all times. Can you do that?" I nodded. "I don't want to frighten you, but I do want you to know how serious I think this episode is. Eugene is perfectly capable of taking his life right now, of committing suicide. So don't be paralyzed, but don't get lax either."
        When I got the prescription filled, the druggist asked me if I knew what it was for. When I told him I did, he said, "I don't want to alarm you, but you need to keep this under lock and key so he only gets the proper dosage. Too many and he could be a very sick young man. Just a warning. And absolutely no alcohol--not a drop. Also, I'd make sure anything else he might use to harm himself is safely put away." I thanked him and tried to put on a good face for Gene. Poor Babe, last night we had talked about what a wonderful life we had, then McBride reared his ugly head again. I honestly think if I could have gotten my hands on him I would have strangled him. No wonder Danny, Buddy and Jake were facing years of therapy.
        While Millie was keeping an eye on Gene the next morning, I raced to my place and told Mom what was going on. She was very upset and wanted to know what she could do. I told her I couldn't think of anything, but sure would call on her if I needed her. "You will keep a close watch on Eugene, won't you, Son?"
        "You better believe it!" I replied and then went back to Millie's. Eugene seemed his old self, but then he was taking his medicine and I am sure it had a lot to do with it. "Do you feel like going to Lexington?" I asked.
        "Sure," he replied. "You'd think I was sick or something."
        I thought to myself, "Or something and it's a mighty big 'or something'," but said nothing.
        Mr. Greentree was out of town working on a project so we didn't get to see him, but everyone was very helpful at the studio and I got a lot of work done on the tapes. We also started burning CDs of the concert for the whole Fellowship. When we arrived, I had called Nelson--Matt had given me his number and wanted to know why I needed it. I told him Eugene and I were going to Lexington to check out my summer's internship--which was true, just not the whole truth. Nelson was in class finishing up some lab work and would be starting summer school next week, his mom told us. I left the studio's number and he called about 11:30. We agreed to meet for lunch.
        Over lunch we talked about all that had been going on. I hadn't planned to mention Gene's recent episode, but he did. I noticed, as Eugene told Nelson about the letter concerning the trial, a quiet, but very real, outburst was triggered. "I would kill the son of a bitch if I could get my hands on him!" Gene said with uncharacteristic vehemence. With his quiet outburst, I was reminded that I was in charge of his medication and checked my watch. He was half an hour overdue for his mid-day capsule. I slipped it to him and he looked at me and then popped it into his mouth and washed it down with his Coke. "I didn't think I needed those," he smiled, "but I guess I do."
        We talked about Saturday night and Nelson said he was planning a big surprise for us. "Any possibility Mr. Greywolf and his entourage could show up at the hotel for dinner? Probably would be nice to have a private room, but it would be great for the gang to be visible."
        "I don't know," I said. "The prices there are pretty steep."
        "Sure, compared with MickeyD's, but I think I can get you a discount and, after all, this is your after-graduation break loose night. Right?"
        "Right. We'll manage. Make the reservations," Gene said.
        "Great! This should be a howl!"
        We went back to the studio and worked until 3:00, then drove home in time for Gene's appointment. We'd have to come back tomorrow to finish up.
        Tuesday Mr. Greentree was back and offered some suggestions without telling me I was wrong or didn't know what I was doing, but it was obvious to me. I could see that working with him all summer was going to be a pleasure and that I was going to learn a whole hell of a lot. I was really excited about it. We had just about finished when Mr. Greentree suggested we call it a day and go by his place and meet his family.
        He had a great family. His wife welcomed us as if she had known us all our lives and were family she hadn't seen in ages. He showed me the sunroom which was to be mine for the summer. "Won't this keep your family from having a place to relax?" I asked.
        "We can do without it for the summer," he said and Mrs. Greentree agreed. She then suggested we have a Coke and we all four sat around her kitchen table. "Look," I finally said, "don't think I don't appreciate your offer, but I really feel bad about taking your sunroom when you would be using it. If it doesn't upset Jon (Jon was their son), I'd be more than happy to share his room and the sunporch would be available. In fact, so long as Eugene is here, I can stay with him. I'd like to stay with him." As soon as I said that, both Gene and I blushed big time. Damn that Matt Greywolf, I think he is a carrier for the blushing disease. I was afraid to look up, thinking I might have said too much.
        "Laura (Laura was Mrs. Greentree's name; Mr. Greentree's name was Jonathan and he was called that so as not to be confused with Jon) knows about you two guys so you can stop blushing," Mr. Greentree laughed. "If Eugene is going to be in town, we would expect you to stay with him."
        "Will you be here often?" Mrs. Greentree asked.
        "I have to come the 14th and will be here for at least two weeks, probably more. I am a witness in the McBride trial."
        Mrs. Greentree didn't ask any more questions and Mr. Greentree knew about McBride. "Look, you have a right to know what's going on," Eugene said. I felt myself grow tense as soon as he spoke, but I needn't have worried. He told the Greentrees the whole story and when he finished, Mrs. Greentree got up and wrapped her arms around him. "You know every parent fears something like that--that their children be abused. And I don't just mean sons abused by men. In fact, that is seldom the way it is. I am a school counselor and it's most often girls who are being abused by older brothers, by fathers and step-fathers and by other creeps. It's nothing to be ashamed of, Eugene. You wouldn't be ashamed if you had been robbed, you would blame the robber. Well, you have been robbed. You have been robbed of innocence and trust." Mrs. Greentree was holding Eugene, his head against her bosom as she stroked his hair. "You are a brave young man and I admire you for it. Larry, if you didn't spend all the time you could with Eugene while he is going through his ordeal, I would think less of you. And you can certainly share Jon's room. I am sure he would like the idea of having a big brother for the summer. And don't worry, I certainly won't worry about you being with him if that thought has crossed your mind."
        Jon came in from a swimming lesson while we were still talking in the kitchen and when his mother told him I would be sharing his room--I wished she had asked, but she didn't--he started jumping up and down, then threw himself at me. "I'll have a big brother after all!"
        We had to leave shortly after our conversation and, as we drove home, Gene said, "We really are richly blessed, Lar, we really are."
        Eugene had his session with the therapist as soon as we got home. While I was waiting, I gave Matt a call and told him what was going on.
        "No alcohol?" he asked.
        "Not a drop. Why?"
        "I'll need to talk with Uncle Michael because you know he will have wine for toasts."
        "That's ok. Eugene can just have something else."
        "No way, Jose." Matt replied. "We are not going to set him apart. Anything else we can do?
        "Can't think of anything. We're going back to Lexington tomorrow to work on a project so we'll not be around. But if I think of anything--or if you do--we'll be in touch."
        "Oh, Luke and I planned to be in Lexington tomorrow. We're meeting Nelson for lunch. Why don't you guys join us?"
        "Sounds good. See you then."

 Luke

         We had called Nelson Tuesday and told him we were coming over Wednesday morning and wanted to get together. He suggested we do so before we went shopping since he was working Wednesday night.
        We met Nelson at a real old-fashioned ice cream parlor which also served sandwiches and, as soon as we had sat down, Larry and Eugene joined us. "Good to see you two again," Nelson said. It was then we found out the two had seen Nelson earlier and he knew about Eugene. Larry told us about their visit with the Greentrees. We continued talking for a couple hours. Nelson told us he had made reservations at the hotel for our dinner and that he managed to get the cost down to about three or four times MickeyD's. "I hope Mr. Greywolf will come properly dressed," he laughed. "I think I might put the word out and see if we can't make a fool out of that teenage reporter jerk again.
        After we left Nelson, Larry and Eugene were going back to Concord to make Eugene's appointment. "And Millie and I have one as well today," Larry had said. Luke and I went to the mall, something Concord was lacking. I'm not sure whether that is such a bad thing after watching teenagers, who had nothing to do but horse around, causing trouble and making a nuisance of themselves.
        It didn't take us long to get what we needed and we got back home in time for supper. Matt had stopped by his place and Greywolf reminded him he was taking the Jeep in the next morning.
        Thursday we got up for a run which we had been neglecting lately. Mary Kathryn joined us and I was surprised when Michael was waiting at his place. "Do you think you are up to running? I'm not sure about that," I said.
        "Got checked yesterday and was told I could do what I felt like doing, but not to feel like overdoing it," he laughed. "Mom suggested I might want to just walk and Wild woman agreed we would just walk."
        Matt and I took off in a run as Mary Kathryn took Michael's hand and the two started walking. When Matt and I returned, we met Michael and Mary Kathryn and slowed down to walk with them. "You guys ready to leave Sunday?" Michael asked.
        "Not really," Matt answered. "I mean I have things organized, but not packed. I have everything ready to pack, if that's what you mean.'
        "Not exactly," Michael said.
        "I know what you mean, Michael. And, no, I'm not ready to be separated. But I would never be ready, so I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. I am really dreading getting on that plane." I had thought about that a lot. Matt and Michael had planned on driving, but it was a long drive for Michael so he was now flying as well. Matt had offered to take me to the plane, but we agreed that it would be better to say our goodbyes at home so Dad and Mom were taking me and Michael to Jackson to catch our planes.
        "Yea, know what you mean," Michael said. "But I guess we all know what we are doing is for the good."
        After a shower--a wonderful shower with my man--Matt and I ate breakfast, then tackled the chores for the day with Michael and Mary Kathryn. It was obvious that Michael had had a remarkable recovery and seldom showed any signs of not being up to par.
        Matt and I had discussed the fact that he had been playing, but not really practicing, since the concert and I hadn't done any work since the exhibition. We decided we would spend the afternoon working on our arts.
        Michael came out to the studio about 4:30 and suggested we go for a swim. "Swimming really helps get things in shape," he said. He called Mary Kathryn and he and I went to get Matt. Mary Kathryn met us at the falls. We swam and had a lazy time with a bit of hot making out but, since Michael and Mary Kathryn were with us, Matt and I kept it respectable. We didn't leave the falls until after 6:30.

 Matt

        Luke and I showered, dried our hair and got dressed for the evening. We had talked about dress for the occasion on skip day and decided, since Uncle Michael was starting the birthday celebration with dinner, dress would be the unofficial uniform for the guys and dresses for the women. When we got downstairs, Dad and Mom were dressed and ready to go. "Sorry I couldn't get the Jeep back," Dad said. "Michael and Mary Kathryn are picking you two up shortly. Yong Jin and I are going on ahead to see if we can help Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson."
        Shortly after Mom and Dad left, Michael drove up. Luke and I were sitting on the porch waiting for them. "Ok, you two, ready to party?"
        "To the party, Michael!" Luke responded.
        "Hold it," I said. "I forgot again."
        "Need to get your brains out of your crotch, Bro," Michael laughed.
        I rushed upstairs and grabbed Luke's gift and we were off.
        Everyone was at Uncle Michael's when we arrived shortly after 7:30--the family and the Fellowship along with Millie, Larry's and Paula's mothers. "Know you invited my parents," Jacob said, "but I told you they weren't interested in being with us". Bill and Linda said the same about their parents.
        Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson served drinks--fruit juice--and we all stood around talking--catching up on what everyone had been doing since Sunday. At 8:00, Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson excused themselves and a few minutes later returned to say dinner was ready. And what a dinner it was! It started as usual with toasts. When Eugene took a sip from his glass he almost sprayed the table. "What is this stuff, Uncle Michael? I hate to be this way, but it tastes terrible."
        "It's sparkling grape juice," Uncle Michael said, innocently.
        "Look, I know you did this for me," Eugene said. "I appreciate it but, if you don't mind, I'll have some fruit juice and, Mr. Stephenson, see if you can get some good stuff for my friends."
        Mr. Stephenson laughed, "It is a true friend that will save his colleagues from sparkling grape juice," he said. "Eugene, you are truly a man of honor!" None of us were surprised when Mr. Stephenson disappeared into the kitchen and returned with the real thing.
        After toasts to me and Luke, we tackled the food. "I've discovered I am not the only decent cook in the house," Uncle Michael smiled. "John is every bit as good and I suspect all of you are the real winners in a bit of competition the two of us had in preparing for tonight." He was right!
        After dinner, we went back into the living room for the opening of presents. "I'd like to show all of you something before the two guys open their presents," Uncle Michael said. "It's not a birthday present, but really a present for all of us." He walked to an easel I hadn't noticed before and unveiled the painting of me which had been slashed. "It's certainly not as good as new, but I think maybe more valuable because of the suffering that we, and especially Michael, have endured," he said. We all stood back looking at the painting. If ever I doubt Luke's love for me, that picture is proof that I am wrong.
        Finally, Luke could stand it no longer and walked over to the picture and gave it a careful inspection. "Uncle Michael, if I didn't know where the painting was slashed, I don't believe I could find the spot," he said as he turned to look at Uncle Michael.
        Michael walked close and, after looking at the painting for a few minutes, said, "I couldn't either. Uncle Michael, do you think the restorers would take me on?" and laughed. Luke got a pained look on his face which he tried to hide quickly, but little escapes Michael. Michael grabbed him and said, "Sorry, Luke. I was just kidding. I wear these scars proudly because they are just a sign of how much I care for you, Bro." Michael used his pet name for me, something he seldom did with Luke and I knew it meant a lot to both.
        When we started opening presents it was clear that a lot of thought had gone into them. Larry and Eugene gave Luke a tape Larry had re-edited of the exhibition and me one of the concert. They also gave everyone a CD of the concert. Bill and Linda gave us both CDs of music they knew we loved and Jacob and Paula had made up a photo album--including many photos of time we had spent together at the falls. Gabrielle said, "Mary Kathryn! How many times have I told you to keep your clothes on?" Sure enough, there were some great skinny dipping photos.
        Millie gave us--together--a great sound system which she said she expected us to share in Ohio. There were, finally, four small gifts left--mine and Luke's to each other and one for each of us from our mom and dad. "Matt, you're the oldest so you go first," Luke said. When I opened the box from Mom and Dad, there was a key inside. It was taped to a picture of a Jeep with a note which said, "Thought you might need to be enclosed in Ohio." I didn't know what it was all about then Luke started laughing. "So that's the reason the Jeep was unavailable today!" I finally realized Dad and Mom had given me a new Jeep, an enclosed one unlike my old one which just had curtains!
        When Luke opened his, it also had a key and a picture--this time a pickup. The note said, "I suspect the Oberlin Five will be making frequent trips to the home improvement store and will need something to haul things in."
        Luke and I gave our parents great hugs and then said, "Where's the wheels?" Dad told us they were right outside and when we opened the front door there was a shiny red Jeep and a shiny red pickup parked at the curb.
        "Now get back in here and finish," Linda said.
        "Luke's the youngest so he has to go first," I said. When we had been thinking of what to have Michael get for Mary Kathryn, I had a brainstorm and Mr. Swartz was able to pull it off for me. I had a bracelet made for Luke which combined our two symbols, corn and thunderbird. When Luke saw it he grabbed me and kissed me, then started laughing. I understood why when I opened his gift to me. It was identical to his.
        "When we were talking to Michael, I got the idea," Luke said, "and when I asked Mr. Swartz about it he said he would take care of it."
        "Same thing he told me! He gave me an empty box to give you with a card if the bracelets didn't get finished in time," I laughed. Luke said Mr. Swartz had done the same for him.
        After the presents were open, Uncle Michael started some music and it was dance time. Luke, Michael, Larry and I danced with our moms first and Mary Kathryn and Linda danced with our dads. Eugene was dancing with Millie--well, with his mom too. Linda grabbed Uncle Michael and laughed, "Some really good looking men are going to waste!" Bill quickly went to Ms. Wright and started dancing. "I don't like being a wallflower," David said and bowed to Paula. "Neither do I," Uncle Michael said and grabbed Mr. Stephenson. The whole place broke up.
        After the first dance, it was lovers dancing with lovers except Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson, always the great hosts, started dancing with Ms. Watley and Ms. Wright after Millie said, "One dance is enough for this old lady." It might have been, but before the night was over, she had danced at least half the dances.
        About eleven, the parents decided it was time to go home. There were serious groans from the Fellowship until Uncle Michael said, "Hey, no one said you had to go. Just close the front door when you leave. John and I are going upstairs, but the downstairs is yours. There are drinks in the fridge and if you want anything else, look in the kitchen and see what you can find. And don't worry about the music. If it gets too loud, I'll just call the police."
        After Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephen had gone upstairs, we danced another hour or so, but all of us had work to do Friday, so we left about 1:30. As Luke and I walked out the door, he said, "Damn! We have to drive by ourselves. Terrible being a two car family," but the look on his face said otherwise. When we reached the Jeep and truck, Luke asked, "What's on the list for tomorrow?"
        "I don't think there is a whole lot other than getting packed to leave Sunday. Why?"
        "I hate to be this way, but I think we best sleep at home tonight so I can get things together. I haven't really done anything because... because... because I don't want to even think about being separated from you. I just haven't been able to do anything toward getting ready. I think if I sleep alone tonight I might get things done tomorrow. Do you understand, Babe?" Luke was on the verge of tears.
        Well, had I been honest with Luke I would have said, "Why not spend every minute together since we were going to be separated?" But I knew he had been honest about how he felt and that he needed to be alone tonight so I said, "Get done early, ok?" and kissed him goodnight.
        When I crawled into my lonely bed, I thought about the day and gave thanks for all the wonderful friends I would soon be leaving behind as well as special thanks for those who would be with me. How any one guy could be so lucky I didn't know, but I did know I was one of the luckiest guys in the world.
        I also thought about Eugene and the ordeal he faced. How lucky he was to have Larry and Millie standing behind him. And how lucky Larry was that Eugene allowed him into his life. If Eugene was in as bad shape as he was, what must life be like for Jake, Buddy and Danny? People who abuse others are just animals. And I realized that to many people all gays were like McBride, child abusers. How could anyone think that who knew people like Larry and Eugene or Luke. Well, Larry had shown a cruel streak when he sexually attacked Eugene but he didn't go out and hunt down someone and, God knows, he was paying dearly for his rash act. And Eugene loved him and I think Larry would die if he ever hurt Eugene again.
        All these thoughts were racing around in my head, then I thought about being separated from my beloved Luke for six whole weeks and, before I realized it, I was in tears. Waiting until we were eighteen had been hell at times, but we were together. But now... now that we could love each other with our whole being, I didn't think I could stand being separated. I was still weeping softly when I slipped off to sleep.
        Sometime later I was having the most vivid dream. I dreamed Luke had slipped into bed beside me and had pulled me to his hard, wonderful body then kissed me very softly. The dream was so real I felt I could feel his head as he rested it on my chest. I could even see his golden hair shining in the moonlight when I looked down my chest. "I couldn't stay away," he whispered. It was then I realized I was not dreaming.
        "Luke, you're really here!" I said in an excited whisper. "I thought I was dreaming. Babe, you are a dream!" I said as I grasped his face in my hands and pulled his lips to mine. "You're really here!"
        "I'm here, Sarang Hanun Pomul. I'm here. I couldn't go to sleep for thinking what a fool I had been for not spending every precious moment I can with you. The moon was so bright, I decided I'd make up for being a fool and come here."
        Our love making was total, complete, wonderful. Sure, our technique had improved, but so had our understanding and appreciation of what the uniting of our bodies meant and the love it expressed. Gentle, tender, caring was our love making--and hot and passionate. Afterwards, as we lay in each others arms, Luke said, "Matt, I don't know how I can stand being separated. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be painful, but, Babe, we are still together and already I hurt."
        "Yea, I know. I know. And just think, we might have been separated forever."
        "Matt, I can't even think about that. Or when I do, I know that it will not be that way, but six weeks is real. So hold me tight, Dark Angel. Hold me tight." I held Luke tight, his head resting on my chest, and stroked his hair until we both fell asleep, safe in each others arms.
        In spite of having been out late and then waking up in the night for love making, we were both awake early for the morning run. Michael and Mary Kathryn joined us and Michael actually jogged rather than walked for awhile, but then slowed down to a brisk walking pace.
        When we got back to my place, we showered and dressed and went to Luke's for breakfast. After breakfast, Gabrielle said, "Ok, you two, when I get home this afternoon, Luke, I expect you to be packed and ready to leave Sunday. That goes for you too, Mary Kathryn. We are not going to have time for anything Sunday. The minute church is over, we've got to hit the road for Jackson." Mary Kathryn would be going with Bill and Linda.
        As soon as breakfast was over, I went home and looked over two checklists; I had made one and Mom had made one. Both of us checked what I had laid out, then she and I started packing. I planned to travel light, but still ended up with two huge bags.
        We had not finished when Dad came in for lunch. I had expected Luke to come for lunch as he and the others of the Gang of Four often did during the summer, but none of them showed up.

 Michael

        Mom had told me she would help me pack, but I should get my things together. I had received a list of things to bring to the Abbey which helped and I started getting them together. As I laid things out, I remembered I had been told to bring a cassock and surplice which I meant to get from St. Mary's earlier, but had not. I called and Gertie told me to come on and that Fr. Tom would wait for me. It was nearly noon when I called.
        When I reached St. Mary's, Fr. Tom asked me if I was up to lunch since he hadn't eaten. I realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and readily agreed to lunch. We went to a part of town which I knew existed, but hadn't been. I mean, Concord is so small everyone knows it all, at least casually, but the part we were in I just passed through from time to time; I didn't know it. He took me to a small cafe and before we walked in said, "I know it doesn't look like much, but this is the only place in town where you can get good Greek food. I love it."
        The man behind the counter greeted Fr. Tom with a hearty, "Good to see you, Father. You haven't been around here in awhile. And you, young man, you have to be Michael Andrews. Sorry you got cut. Some people are just nuts. Good to see you up and about. How are you doing?" I assured him I was doing great and shook hands with him. He told me his name was Demetri. "You were my guide when I went to the exhibition," he said. "That Luke Larsen is some artist. I loved every minute of my time with you and went back a couple times the following week. I especially loved his painting of you as a Greek warrior. Lunch today, Father, is on the house because you have brought Michael here. I'll pick the dishes."
        When he brought the first dish, Fr. Tom asked him to join us. He agreed saying he had help now so he wouldn't be jumping up and down all the time. "So why are you hanging around with this so-called priest," he laughed. Fr. Tom explained that Demetri was Greek Orthodox and since there was not a Greek church in town, he came to early service at St. Mary's. "Yeah, when there's no Greek church, we Greeks are told Episcopal churches are ok for us to attend. We're very flexible--the Sacraments are valid for us, but the priests aren't kosher," he laughed again.
        Fr. Tom told him I was going to spend a month in a monastery thinking about my vocation. "Got a girlfriend?" he asked. When I said I had he said, "Well, you can have a woman if you join up with this Episcopal crowd. Our priests can if they are married before they become priests. What does she think about this? I mean if you two are really serious? Of course you're still a kid." I told him she was having problems with my struggle and that we were serious, very serious. "You've got a real hard decision to make then."
        The food was delicious--although half the time he had to tell me what I was eating--and we talked about the exhibition, about my summer and what I expected to be doing next year. He told me he had a grandson who would be coming to Concord at the end of the summer to live with him. "His father departed for parts unknown last year leaving him with my daughter and she has her hands full trying to make ends meet. He's become a bit wild and at the same time, suffers depression from what has happened to his family I suspect. He'll be a junior next year."
        "So will I," I responded.
        "Michael's president of the student body next year," Fr. Tom added.
        "Maybe you can keep an eye on him," Demetri responded. "I know that his grandmother and I are a bit old to have a teenager in the house and especially one with problems, but it seems best."
        I laughed, "I have decided that a teenager without problems is a dead teenager. Sure, I'll keep an eye out for him. When's he arriving?"
        "I'm not sure. Some time this summer. Can I give you a call when he comes?"
        "Sure, and I'll come over for another free lunch!" I laughed.
        "Great. I'll call as soon as he gets here."
        We finished lunch and we were driving back to the church when Fr. Tom asked, "Mary Kathryn still having problems with your decisions?"
        I certainly didn't want to mislead Fr. Tom. I found I had to remind him just about every time the topic came up that I hadn't made a decision and still had a long time before I had to decide. "She's still having problems about a decision I may make. I haven't made one yet. And when I must made one, if it is a choice between becoming a priest and having Mary Kathryn, God doesn't stand a chance."
        "Could be that God will win either way, but I hope you don't have to face that decision. I have known some pretty bitter men who decided they would take the woman and regretted it the rest of their lives. Doesn't make for a very happy marriage. I have also known some piss-poor bitter priests who made the wrong choice and blamed God because they didn't have the woman they loved. What's Mary Kathryn's real problem?"
        "She says she just can't see being Mrs. Father," I said, only half-joking. "The idea of being Mrs. Goodie-goodie doesn't appeal to her. And, to be honest, it doesn't appeal to me either. I like my wild woman and never want to see her tamed. I certainly don't want her to feel she has to become someone other than who she is in order to be my wife."
        "I hear you," Fr. Tom replied. "That wouldn't make for a very happy marriage either. But, on the other hand, you are only sixteen and a lot can happen before you have to give serious thought to marriage."
        "You know, Father, I am getting pretty sick of being told my love for Mary Kathryn is puppy love. I guess I could be wrong--I have been once or twice in my sixteen years--but I think I know enough about love and commitment to know that what we have is not just lust--although there is plenty of that--and it's not some superficial warm feeling. I know our love will change and grow and when the time comes for marriage, our love will be different from what it is now, but--and I mean BUT--there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that our love is here to stay--at least until death do us part."
        "You could be right, of course, and just in case you are, maybe Mary Kathryn needs to meet some clergy wives. I don't mean the Mrs. Father type or the Mrs. Rector types--God, I hate them. All seem to be trying to make up for what they perceive as their husband's shortcomings and the man always has plenty after being married to such a bitch--and I mean that... bitch--for a few years. She is going to camp next week?"
        "Right, and the two weeks following."
        "You might find her attitude changed when you get back. Mrs. Fathers do not go to summer camp but there will be clergy wives there--some are even counselors just as Mary Kathryn will be. They couldn't be roped into anything other than just being the midst of the action with their campers. Could make a difference."
        "Well, it certainly won't hurt regardless of how she sees them. It will either change her mind or make her more stubborn."
        When we got back to St. Mary's, I said goodbye to Fr. Tom, took the vestments and went home. When I got there, I laid everything out, checked my list and lay down for a few minutes. I was fine, but sometimes I did get tired and stress seemed to tire me quicker than actual physical activity. And I had been under a great deal of stress since Mary Kathryn and I talked about why I was going to the Abbey. When I told her at the falls skip day the only reason she didn't scream and run was because everyone was there, but I can tell you she was not a happy woman! Since then, it had been a very touchy subject. It was so touchy that it was pulling us apart until one day I said, "Look, Mary Kathryn, nothing has changed. We have the summer to work through this. I need time to work through it on my own and maybe our being separated will give you time to think things through. But right now, we don't need to keep hurting each other. I'll promise you one thing, and I am sure of this, I will never stop loving you and, regardless of what happens, you will always be first in my life. I will not choose between you and anything else because there is no choice."
        At the time we were sitting on our front porch in the late evening, listening to the sound of night creatures. When I said what I did, Mary Kathryn became teary eyed, pulled my body to hers and started kissing me all out. She soon had my shirt off and started running her fingers along the scar. I slipped my hand under her shirt and cupped a breast as our kissing became more and more passionate. When she started kissing my chest and nipples, I got so hot I thought I would explode. I raised her shirt and started kissing and sucking her hard nipples. As I continued, she loosed my belt, unbuttoned my jeans and slipped her hand inside, cupping Mr. Andrews and my balls. (Luke and Matt had christened my cock Mr. Andrews years ago, long before I showed any signs of becoming a man. They had tried calling me Mikey and I hated it and told them so in no uncertain terms. Later, when we were taking a piss, Luke said, 'I know why you got upset at being called Mike 'cause I see Mr. Andrews, not Mikey,' and laughed. I had started calling him the Sword of Love, but when the two of them heard that, they started kiding me and kidded me so much, I went back to Mr. Andrews.) I unzipped Mary Kathryn's jeans and slipped my hand inside, feeling the soft hair surrounding her womanhood. As we continued our kissing--which grew more and more passionate--my finger hit a special spot and Mary Kathryn started breathing heavily and groaning, "Michael, Michael," then a shudder ran through her body. When it did, she gave big Mr. Andrews a hard squeeze and he exploded.
        Our passion somewhat spent--somewhat--we held each other close and our kissing became gentle, soft, tender. Finally Mary Kathryn looked into my eyes and said, "Michael, we can work this out because we have to. Nothing can separate us or take our love from us." Suddenly she was crying big time. I know men talk about not knowing what to do when a woman starts crying and I had always thought it was kinda silly, but it wasn't funny. I didn't know what to do. We had just made love to the very limits we set for ourselves and she had said we couldn't let anything separate us or take our love from us, then she started crying! I didn't know what to do so I just held her to my chest, her head on my shoulder, as I stroked her hair.
        Mary Kathryn gradually stopped crying and, when she did, she looked up at me and said, "Michael, when I said 'separated' I remembered we are going to be separated and then I saw your body lying in the hospital and remembered knowing that we were probably going to be separated forever. I have been pretty good at keeping my feelings inside, but tonight they got me before I knew it." I gave her a gentle kiss, which she returned, and we sat quiet for the longest time, just holding each other. God, I love my wild woman!

 Part Forty-four

 Matt

         Friday had been packing day for the Gang of Four. While Mom and I were packing, she said, "You know tonight is the last dinner we will have together. Would you like the family to get together for it?"
        "Need you ask? Of course, I would. And Mom, can we all stay here tonight?"
        "Need you ask? Of course you can. I'll call Gabrielle and Margaret while you finish packing. And remember, you are to take your vestments. I have washed and ironed them. You'll have to get some at St. Mary's in the morning--or maybe you need to go over and get some that fit today." Mom went downstairs and I looked around to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. She had put my vestments in a garment bag and I put it with my other things.  I checked the two lists we had made--again--and I was done. I had managed to get packed without thinking too much about being separated from Luke, but there were times when I found it difficult to hold back the tears.  Some people say gay men cry more than straight men, but I wonder how many straight men would anticipate being separated from someone they loved as much as I loved Luke without shedding tears? I know old straight-as-they-come Michael have done his share of crying over being separated from Mary Kathryn--and I couldn't blame him one bit. In fact, I would have been disappointed had he not cried. So much for another stereotype!
        Well, I had everything ready to go I wanted to go see Luke, but he was busy packing and even if he weren't, I knew we'd just bawl if I went. Instead of going to the Larsen's, I went to St. Mary's and found a cassock and surplice. I'd have to throw the sleeves back since they were not split as was an organist's, but I had done that before so it should be no problem.
        As I drove home--man, the new Jeep was nice although Luke would still have to be careful or he would impale himself on the stick or the four wheel drive knob--I thought about Luke and how he was doing. I knew Gabrielle was with him and I hoped she could help him keep his chin up the way Mom had helped me. When I got home, having nothing else to do, I chose my usual escape from too much reality--I lay down on my bed and went to sleep. It was about 4:30 when I sacked out.
        I had been sleeping for about an hour when the phone woke me, but Mom got it and I just lay on my bed, wishing I didn't have to leave my Luke. There were some delicious smells coming up the stairs from the kitchen. I was really glad Mom had suggested dinner. It would be four long weeks before I had dinner here again and six horribly long weeks before I had dinner again with Luke. As I lay thinking about that I suddenly felt Luke's presence. But he wasn't here; he was home packing. As the feeling grew stronger, I remembered I hadn't "felt" Luke's presence for a long time. I wondered.
        As I lay wondering about the feeling, it grew so strong I looked at my door and there stood Luke! I jumped out of bed and grabbed him, holding him close. "I felt you coming, Yonghon Tongmu! I couldn't believe it! You're here!" I fairly attacked Luke, kissing him passionately.
        Luke started laughing, "Man, how can I live without a wild Korean Lakota around?" He ran his hands under my hair and pulled my face to his for an open mouth, tongues and all kiss. "Michael called and wanted Mary Kathryn to go to the falls with him. He also told her we were invited to come long if we could behave ourselves."
        "Are you sure the price is not too high," I laughed and started kissing him again.
        "Maybe so. What do you think?"
        "If it is, we can always head for the bushes," I laughed, full of joy now that Luke was here. We went downstairs and before we headed to the falls, asked Mom if we could help out.
        "I think you'd be pretty worthless right now," she answered with a smile. "Go on to the falls."
        When we reached the falls, Michael and Mary Kathryn were already skinny dipping. Sure enough, Michael was well on his way to a great summer tan had started getting a summer tan. I don't know how he would explain the great tan to a bunch of monks when there was an almost complete absence of a tan line. Maybe they'd never see him as we saw him.
        After swimming hard for an hour, it was obvious that Michael had much of his strength back, but he still had a ways to go before he was as strong as he had been. Without a word, we got out of the water and lay on a blanket Mary Kathryn had thought to bring. We lay on our backs staring at the sky, saying nothing. After we had been silent for several minutes, Mary Kathryn asked a very serious question, "What do we expect to get out of this summer? I mean, of course, Luke and Matt, you expect to learn more about your art, but I mean beyond that?"
        We had been silent for awhile and when Michael spoke. "I know I have a long time before I have to really make a decision, but I hope I can get some things straight in my head. This priest thing is really bugging me and especially since Mary Kathryn is so opposed to it. Maybe I can get it out of my mind. I don't know."
        Luke and I had discussed the fact that Mary Kathryn seemed to be rather cold to the idea of having a priest husband, but hadn't expected it just to be plopped right out like that. "What's your problem with the idea, Mary Kathryn?" Luke asked.
        "It's hard to put into words," Mary Kathryn said very thoughtfully. "I mean when he first mentioned the possibility, I was still thinking in terms of Roman Catholic priests and my immediate thought was he just wanted to dump me. I was hurt and angry."
        Michael laughed, "I was the one hurt! She slapped my face and asked why I didn't have the guts just to tell her I didn't want her any more. Of course I soon took care of that thought!"
        "Anyway, even after I remembered that Michael could be a priest and married, I didn't like the idea and I still don't. I look at Fr. Tom and see an old man who has been married, but I can't really see him as married. I... ok, I can't imagine him getting all carried away and making mad, passionate love. I mean you know, digging sex. I love Michael to death, but I also lust after his body--what's left of it these days," she laughed and kissed the scar on Michael's chest. "And it's not just that, the whole idea of being Mrs. Father or Mrs. Rector really turns me off. You've seen those British films with the stuffy vicars. I couldn't stand that. I couldn't stand having all the little old ladies watching my every move and treating Michael like their pet poodle. I am too full of life and hot-blooded to be a priest's wife."
        I was trying hard to control myself. I understood why Mary Kathryn objected to being the wife of a priest--her idea of a priest--but I didn't want to upset her and I didn't try to change her mind. But I also remembered Fr. Tom's wife and she certainly didn't fit the description Mary Kathryn had painted. I guess there were times he wished she had, but I was a bit young and didn't notice such things so I didn't remember a great deal about Fr. Tom and her relationship. But I did remember her bright red convertible, her dyed red hair and the way she dressed--kinda chic hippie. I also recall Mom and Dad laughing about one episode or another when she had said, "I married Tom, not Fr. Tom." She had all the little old blue haired ladies buzzing as long as she lived and she just didn't give a damn. And, I suspect, Fr. Tom loved it.
        "So what do you want out of the summer, Mary Kathryn?" Luke asked his sister.
        "Well, I hope I get some things settled in my head as well. God, I have said I would never be a teacher, but I love kids--little kids mostly, but I have also been thinking about what middle school girls are going through--and I have thought some about being a teacher. But mostly I have thought about maybe being a school counselor. I have also thought about being a pediatric nurse. When Fr. Tom asked about my being a counselor at camp, I thought it would be a good chance to see how working with both groups would be--I mean I'll do the young kids camp and the middle school camp as a counselor. I hope I can get some feel for what being a teacher or counselor would be like. Fr. Tom also told me there would be clergy wives acting as counselors and I sure as hell want to keep an eye on them. Maybe I'll change my mind about Michael being a priest if he decides to do so--but I doubt it. And if I don't and he does...." Suddenly Mary Kathryn was not wild woman, but a hurting one. Big tears formed in her eyes.
        Michael pulled her to himself for a very tender and loving kiss as he said, "Mary Kathryn, I have told you and I meant it, I will not give you up for anything. I mean that." His eyes also began to fill with tears. Hard decisions faced my brother and sister and what they decided would definitely effect their relationship and maybe even their love.
        "I guess I have only one thing I expect beyond what I do in terms of music," I said. "It sounds so harsh and cold, but I know that given our fields, Luke and I will be among many more gay men--openly gay--than we have here. We will be lonely--and horny--and unless I miss my guess, some gay guys we meet will be as lonely horny as we are. And let's face it, we are two damn good looking and very naive guys. I suspect the temptation to fuck--and I mean fuck 'cause there is no question that I will never lose my love for Luke--will be great. I expect to learn about temptation--real temptation--the way I have never known it. And most important--life determining importance--how to deal with temptation and remain faithful. I mean, I have been tempted by Luke to the point where I didn't see how I could stop while we were waiting, but that was different. Had we given in to temptation, it would have been disappointing I suspect, but we would not have been unfaithful. If I can't handle the temptation this summer, I will end up being unfaithful to Luke and I know I would die if that happened.... But I am human."
        "And hot to trot!" Michael added.
        "He's hot all right and I love it," Luke said. "But I am with Matt on what I expect out of the summer. I know he thinks I have better control than he does...."
        "You do," I said quickly.
        "But I expect what Matt has said about his situation will be the same of mine."
        "Kinda sorry I asked," Mary Kathryn said. "This is pretty heavy stuff we are all going to be dealing with. What makes it really frightening is that all of us are going to be dealing with things which could really hurt the ones we love. Damn!"
        "You're right," Michael agreed, "but it's real. And what really makes it frightening is for the first time we won't have each other to lean on. We'll be separated and alone for the first time."
        "Look, I know we can't spend a fortune on phone calls, but we've got to keep in touch with each other," Luke said.
        "I'm going to be pretty restricted in my contact with anyone. That has worried me from the beginning. I mean I can write and will--at least Mary Kathryn--but you know how slow snail mail is," Michael observed.
        "E-mail?" I asked. "I know I will have access to computers in the computer lab. That was in the material I was sent."
        "So will I," Luke said.
        "Mine will be very limited," Michael said, "Mom got a laptop for me to use this summer and I got permission for very restricted use. Mostly I'm expected to keep a journal on it. I can send copies of the journal with some personal messages, but not everyday."
        "I can arrange to send e-mail from camp, I think," Mary Kathryn said, "if not, it will be snail mail, but better slow than none."
        "So much for a carefree summer!" Michael said as we got ready to go to the house. "But I also expect to have some fun. Don't know exactly what given where I will be."
        Dinner was another happy-sad event. We all knew that Sunday we would be scattered and the summer was an important one for all of us, but we also felt the love and support of the family--the whole family. There wasn't much talk of the summer, but enough for us to know the parents knew we were facing great unknowns which would easily determine our future and that they were both confident that we would handle things well, but anxious as well.
        After dinner, the Gang of Four went to my room and had a ball talking about how we were dressing for our break loose night in Lexington. Nelson had said the manager and the maitre d' didn't get along and suggested we be even wilder in our dress than we had been before to give "that maitre d' asshole" a hard time. Luke had talked to the other guys and learned Eugene and Larry had picked up outfits--"You'll flip when you see them," Eugene had said--for themselves and for Jacob and Bill. Earlier, when we had talked about "Mr. Greywolf and his entourage's" break loose evening, I talked to Dad and Mom about what Luke and I would wear. They had a good laugh and then suggested dress for the women which was equally as outstanding.
        We the Gang of Four were staying at my place for the night and when we got ready for bed, Michael said, "I'm going down the hall to spend some time with my wild woman and since we're still resisting temptation, I don't plan to spend the night, so you guys need to plan accordingly."
        As soon as he left, I got Luke undressed in record time and he didn't take all night to get me out of my clothes. Naked, we stood, hands on each others shoulders, admiring the beauty before us. As we embraced for a passionate kiss, Michael burst into the room and said, "Ok, just a minute. Wild Woman says I can sleep with her if I observe the limits. Man, talk about temptation! But I am man enough to do it...."
        "You better be man enough NOT to do it," Luke said in his big brother voice and laughed.
        "Hey, you don't have to go all the way to make love or have you forgotten?" Michael challenged his lover's brother. "Man, I am going to snuggle up to my soft, wonderful woman and I will resist temptation for the privilege."
        "You're a good man, Michael," Luke said. "I'm honored that you want to be my brother-in-law as well as my brother. Enjoy snuggling against Mary Kathryn's beautiful soft body as I will snuggling against Matt's beautiful hard one. But I make no promises about resisting anything."
        Michael gave Luke a high five and dashed down the hall. Luke and my love making was very tender and gentle, dreamlike. We were so in love it was hard to realize it wasn't all a dream. I was afraid it was too good to be real, but then, as Luke made love to me, I knew it was real, really, really real!
        The next morning, we four got up for a run and Luke asked Michael "Can you say, honestly, my baby sister is still a virgin?" with a mean look on his face.
        "At least technically," Michael laughed as Mary Kathryn gave him a wild woman kiss. "I kept my promise, but I sure don't know about next time!"
        "I do," Mary Kathryn said, kissing him again.
        "And just what does that mean?" Luke asked.
        "Just what I said," Mary Kathryn answered with a wicked grin.
        After the run, Luke and I, then Michael and Mary Kathryn showered. As they showered, Michael started singing at the top of his lungs, "More than the greatest love...." When we were dressed we went down for breakfast. During breakfast, we all decided we would spend Saturday with our families since we would be gone for several weeks and when we returned, Luke and I would soon be going away to college.
        The Fellowship all came to my place about 4:00 Saturday afternoon to get ready for our night on the town. We were leaving about 6:00 or 6:30. After they heard about our dressing up for the big event, all the parents decided to show up for pictures before we left.
        When the members of the Fellowship arrived, Mom sent the guys to my room and the women to the guest room with Mary Kathryn to get dressed.
        Nelson had asked for Mr. Greywolf and his entourage to show up and stir up some excitement and we decided to do it up right.  I dressed in light buckskins--leggings and open vest--decorated with black and red bead work which Dad and I had purchased at a pow wow last year. I wore the red and black beadwork headband I had worn before and added matching arm bands. Dad had loaned--and believe me I mean loaned--me his bear claw choker. Instead of a single braid, I did my hair in two braids and wrapped the ends in buckskin thongs with more black and red beads. I wore moccasins, of course, also richly decorated in red and black bead work.
        Luke and Michael were "Mr. Greywolf's" assistants and dressed as I except their bead work and chokers were yellow and green. Their vests and leggings were darker buckskin, also decorated with beadwork. Of course Luke needed a head band and, to tell the truth, Michael's hair had grown pretty long since he stopped having it cut some time ago so he, too, wore a headband.
        Bill, Jacob, Larry and Eugene were dressed in black jeans with matching black vests and black high laced boots of soft buckskin. I don't know where Eugene found them, but all four wore black belts with silver and turquoise decorations. They wore only arm bands and chokers of turquoise and silver beads. I didn't know Dad had so much beadwork!  Since their hair was short they didn't wear headbands.
        We had decided Paula would be "Mr. Greywolf's" date for the evening and Mom had outfitted her in an almost white buckskin dress decorated with silver and turquoise beads as were her high buckskin boots. Man, she was something to behold! The others were dressed in black skirts and turquoise blouses. They all had on headbands of the same color bead work as Paula's and also wore silver and turquoise belts.
        When we went downstairs, Dad asked if we would be allowed into the hotel without shirts. "I know those bare chests will drive the women crazy, but I'm not sure the hotel management will be happy to see you--but you are a handsome bunch."
        "Hey, Nelson asked for Mr. Greywolf's entourage and here we are," Larry laughed.
        "It also helps that he cleared it with the manager," Eugene said. "But I want to see the look on the maitre 'd's face since he hasn't been told!"
        All the parents had shown up--even Jacob's, Linda's and Bill's--for pictures and it took forever to satisfy them, but we were finally ready to leave.
        In Lexington, we parked the cars except Eugene's and Paula and I got in the back seat and Michael and Luke got in the front to drive us to the front of the hotel. Linda and Mary Kathryn were sitting on the back of the seat behind Paula and myself while the four guys walked along side the car like secret service guards. The parking valets was duly impressed when we arrived and everyone hopped to to help "Mr. Greywolf and his entourage".
        When we reached the lobby, the Junior League ladies were just going to their banquet room and were all atwitter at the sight. I could understand the high school girls getting all carried away when Luke and I had come with Uncle Michael and Mr. Stephenson, but these were grown women! As we approached the dining room, the maitre d' could hardly control himself he was so upset at all the shirtless guys. Luke and Michael walked up to him and said, "Mr. Greywolf and his party are here. I believe you have reservations?"
        "Yes, but we have dress requirements. You are not welcome without proper dress. You will have to leave at once! We do not allow people here improperly dressed! I can see bare skin. Bare skin on your chests!" He was shaking he was so outraged at, as he put it, "your indecent exposure!"
        I caught sight of Nelson, who was trying not to laugh, a few feet away. "You, Sir," Luke said, "are insulting Mr. Greywolf's heritage. I wouldn't do that if I were you."
        "This is an outrage, an outrage. We do not allow savages in our dining room!"
        Michael then stepped up, drew himself to his full six feet two inches--at least five inches taller than the sputtering little man with the waxed mustache--and said, "You don't seem to understand, my good man. See this scar? I got this defending Mr. Greywolf and I don't like to be messed with. And when you call me a savage, I may not break your arm, but when you call Mr. Greywolf a savage--well, to tell the truth, you are endangering your life."
        Paula leaned over and whispered, "Notice Michael he didn't "defending a painting of Mr. Greywolf."
        When I looked at Nelson I could see he was on the house phone and laughing so hard he was about to pee his pants. So far the Fellowship was doing an amazing job controlling pent-up laughter. "Now, my good man," Michael continued, "if you will just send Nelson over, I believe Mr. Greywolf is ready to be seated with his party."
        "I told you," the maitre d' was shouting now, "you cannot come in until you are properly dressed! I am in total charge here and you have to get out. I'm totally in charge!" People in the dining room were, for the most part, having a good laugh at the little man who obviously wasn't in control of himself, much less anything else.
        Just as he finished shouting, the manager walked up behind us and said, "Oh, Mr. Greywolf! I am delighted that you decided to visit us again. Why haven't you been shown to your table? Has something held you up? And my, my, how handsome you all look. So glad you decided to come dressed as befits your heritage. It adds class to our establishment." He then turned to the maitre d' and said, "James, I know you are dying to show Mr. Greywolf and his party to their table, but I'm pulling rank. Mr. Greywolf, ladies and gentlemen, this way please."
        When we reached the table and had all been seated he laughed and said, "I have wanted to put that pompous windbag in his place for years. Thank you for helping! I'm giving Nelson a break tonight. He's all yours and I am hanging around for the excitement when the Junior League dinner breaks up. And by the way, I'm taking care of Nelson and your evening is on the house. Nelson asked about a discount and I agreed, but after seeing James almost die of apoplexy, it's on the house. In exchange, you have to head for the lobby just when the Junior League ladies get there. Deal?"
        "Deal!" we all said.
        The dinner was great! We asked Nelson to join us, but he refused saying he had to "make the show look good." And he did! You would have thought we were the President of the United States' party the way he kowtowed to us! Everyone in the dining room was looking at us and, I suspect, trying to figure out just who we were to be receiving so much attention. It was a good thing we were obviously enjoying ourselves because otherwise there would have been questions about our laughter. Sometimes one or the other of us just couldn't hold it all in and burst out laughing. We had finished eating and were toying with our dessert when Nelson brought us the check--which showed a balance of zero--which was our signal to get ready to go to the lobby. I gave him Dad's charge card and signed the check when Nelson brought it back--including a generous tip for Nelson even though he was "being taken care of." After all, we had gotten everything for free, so why not?
        My "bodyguards and assistants" surrounded me and we walked to the lobby. The Junior League ladies were all in the lobby when Nelson walked out with us and said--loudly--"Mr.Greywolf, I do hope you will come again while you are filming." That did it. There was a rush of Junior League ladies trying to get past my "body guards" and "assistants" for autographs. Luke and Michael finally stepped outside the circle Bill, Jacob, Eugene and Larry had formed and asked, "Ladies, who are you?"
        A young woman stepped forward and said, "We are the Junior League of Lexington."
        "Are you the president?" Michael asked. The woman was suddenly tongue tied and could only nod her head.
        "I'm sure Mr. Greywolf would be happy to sign autographs if you would be patient. Wouldn't you,"Mr. Greywolf?" Cool Luke could handle this, but I only nodded knowing if I opened my mouth I would start laughing. Really, these were the cream of Lexington's young up and coming women--or wives of husbands who were--and they were acting just like teenyboppers! I was signing an autograph for a woman who said, "My son is Curtis Jelks and does the 'Teen Beat' show on Saturday and I am sure he would love to interview you. Would you have time?"
        Luke answered for me, "I doubt it. We are here for only a short time and Mr. Greywolf would like to visit a teen club he visited the last time we were here checking out Lexington."
        "Checking it out for a film?" she asked.
        "I think it is safe to say that the next picture Mr. Greywolf makes will be made here," Michael said with an absolutely straight face. Old Michael--never lying, but allowing people to think one thing when he had meant another. But only Michael and cool Luke really had straight faces: "assistants" and the women in the entourage were all about to fall out laughing. As soon as she had the autograph, the woman took a cell phone from her pocket. Her poor son was about to fall for the fake movie star bit--again.
        The hotel manager reappeared and motioned for Bill and whispered something to him. When Bill came back, he asked for the parking tickets. I continued signing autographs when Luke leaned over and whispered, "The hotel manager has a limo waiting outside for us. Nelson, his girl and some other hotel people are driving the cars over and will come back in the limo." By this time, others were asking for autographs and after several minutes, Luke announced that we had an appointment at the teen club. "We want to check it out,' he said.  He didn't say for what, but everyone standing around assumed it had to do with a film to be made in Lexington.
        When we got in the limo, we could finally laugh and we all did until tears were streaming down our faces.
        "Do you think we gave "Curtis, this teen reporter" time to get to the club?" Jacob asked.
        "I'm sure he was there five minutes after his mom called," Linda laughed. Sure enough, there were TV cameras and lights waiting for us outside the club. The teen reporter came rushing up and said how glad he was to see us again. "Are you planning on making the film here, Mr. Greywolf?" he asked. "I assure you," Michael said again with a straight face, "the very next film Mr. Greywolf makes will be made in Lexington." There were other questions and Michael and Luke answered everyone without telling a lie. Could they help it if assumptions were made? As we posed for the cameras and Michael told the kid our Indian dress was from the Greywolf family, reflecting 'Mr. Greywolf's heritage." He spoke very solemnly. Luke added equally as solemn, "Mr. Greywolf is Lakota. You probably would call him a Sioux, but he's Lakota."
        Later when I told him he was stretching the truth kinda far with that statement, he said, "I'm not. You may not be all Lakota, but so far as we know MR. Greywolf is." The whole Fellowship absolutely cracked up over that.
        When we got inside the club, "this reporter" left the crew outside, but came in himself. We decided it was best not to spoil his show, so I danced with Paula. Michael and Luke started dancing with Mary Kathryn and Linda while the four "body guards" stationed themselves around the dance floor as if they were protecting "Mr. Greywolf." Of course the DJ and many of the people in the club knew immediately what was going on and were having a blast. I felt a little sorry for "Curtis, this teen reporter," but not a lot because he was so arrogant and had constantly put down the many small towns served by the Lexington station. "This is for those poor teens in xxx" was a common line when he introduced a new song "since they are so isolated from the exciting teen life in Lexington." Strange because he didn't know squat about the teen club where we were and which was probably the best things the teens of Lexington had going for them. Maybe he'd wake up after being fooled the second time.
        As soon as the second dance started, I motioned for the body guards and Jacob came for Paula, Bill for Linda and Michael continued dancing with Mary Kathryn. The other two couples were sitting the dance out when Larry said, "This will never do. I know we'll get it on with our loves as soon as "this teen reporter" leaves, but there are women just standing around. Let's dance!"  The four of us invited girls who were just standing around to dance. Soon we were all dancing fools, having a grand time.
        After the third dance, Curtis was still present. Michael said he was sitting the next couple of dances out because he was tired and Larry, Eugene and I joined him. Luke started dancing with wild woman--and she was!
        We had been at the club for about an hour when Curtis finally left as Nelson and his girl arrived. Nelson went immediately to the DJ and said something to him, but refused to tell us what he said when he came back. He just got his girl and hit the dance floor. When the dance ended, they came back to the table and asked Michael if he was ready to dance again. Michael said ''I'm ready!"  Nelson caught the eye of the DJ, who nodded, and then announced, "This is a special for Mr. Greywolf and his entourage."  The DJ put on a new CD and said, "Greywolf, this is for you and the Fellowship from Nelson."
        As the CD started I realized it as the variations on "More" from the last movement of "Yonghon Tongmu." I hadn't realized it when I wrote it, but it was actually great for dancing. Of course, the dance style changed several times--everything from a waltz to wild--but that was fun too. This time there was no holding back. Eugene and I grabbed our lovers and hit the floor with the rest of the Fellowship. Eugene, Paula and I were ready for the quick switches in the music since we knew it by heart. The others were just about as good. We were singing and dancing our hearts out as the music played. When the music became very romantic and lyrical, Luke looked into my eyes, smiled, and kissed me big time. His example was followed by the other Fellowship couples while the other people in the club shouted and cheered.
        We continued dancing or sitting at the table talking and enjoying ourselves until time for the club to close. After announcing the last dance, the DJ lowered the lights and played a very romantic, slow dance version of "More." As I held Luke close I realized this was our last dance for a long time. I tried to hide my feeling, but when I looked up at Luke, I saw tears in his eyes and just lost it, sobbing on his shoulder as we danced.
        After the last dance, we went with Nelson and his girl to the ice cream parlor for malteds--one of the few places I suspect you could get real malteds these days with all the fast food places selling those horrible so-called milkshakes--and sat and talked until it closed at 1:30. After saying goodbye to Nelson, we all stood in the parking lot talking about what we were going to do. Eugene suggested we all go to his place for the night. It sounded like a good idea until Michael reminded us all that the only couples together tomorrow night would be Bill and Linda and Eugene and Larry. That settled it quickly. We wanted the night for ourselves.
        Of course by the time we got home, it was very late. Michael and Mary Kathryn discussed his staying at the Larsens, but decided against it, so after some passionate kisses, they finally went their separate ways. Luke and I decided we'd stay at his place for the night. As soon we crawled into bed, we decided we were not really up to any any heavy love making. And while we agreed on that, both said we didn't know why since it was our last night together for some time. We ended up as we would have done before our birthday: kissing, cuddling, loving each other gently for awhile and then slipping into dreamland.
        Sometime before daybreak, Luke kissed me and when I was awake said, "Sarang Hanun Pomul, I want to make love to you, but not here. By the river." We quickly got out of bed, slipped into sweats and, hand in hand, headed for the river. We went to the spot where we had made love before, undressed each other, and lay on the soft mossy bank. The sound of the river and night creatures filled the air and the moonlight through the willows made a shifting pattern on us as we lay together. We were in no rush, knowing we would soon be separated for six weeks. Our love making was as tender, loving and gentle as the sounds around us, filling us with the deep sense of being united in heart, mind, body and soul. Finally, satisfied, we just lay in each others arms, looking into the eyes of the one who made our world and life worth living. Luke kissed me softly and asked, "Storing up memories, Sarang Hanun Pomul?" I smiled at the face of my beautiful love and said, "Memories which have to last at least six weeks, Yonghon Tongmu." Soon we fall asleep in the warmth of our love.
        I was awakened by the predawn songs of countless birds calling on the sun to rise. Luke was sleeping beside me. I felt a knife go through my heart as I realized in a few short hours we would be separated--not for hours or days, but for weeks. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his. Immediately no longer sleeping, he ran his hands beneath my hair and pulled our lips together for a passionate kiss. In the predawn light, we made love again, Luke exploding inside me as the first rays of the sun penetrated the willow canopy above us.
        After too short a time, we pulled on our sweats and walked toward the falls, only a short distance up the river. As we came out of the willows just below the falls, I saw Michael and Mary Kathryn, both asleep on a blanket on the beach. Both were naked, two beautiful bodies lying snuggled together. "Morning, lovers," Luke shouted, causing them both to bolt upright.
        "Couldn't you have sung a sweet song or something?" Michael grouched as he looked toward us. He reached beside the blanket where there were two pairs of sweats and pulled them on as Mary Kathryn did the same.
        "I guess great lovers have the same great ideas," I said, greeting the second couple in the family. "Looks to me as if temptation won."
        "You're wrong, Oh sex on the mind one. But it was a hard fight."
        "Not sure about the fight," Mary Kathryn laughed as she kissed Michael, "but it was hard. But I took care of that, but not the way you're thinking!"
        Luke and I joined our brother and sister on the blanket and we again talked about what lay ahead. "I've always heard that things and people were scattered to the four winds," Michael said, "but I just realized its not a metaphor--you know about metaphors don't you, Luke?" he laughed as we all recalled Luke's struggle with metaphor before the AP exam--"it's not a metaphor for us. I'm going north, Luke south, Mary Kathryn east and Matt west. When and where shall we four meet again?"
        "Here in this place as soon as possible," Luke answered then added, "Well, I guess we better head home. Don't think it would be a good idea for you to come with us, Michael," Luke said. "Don't think Dad will be fooled about Mary Kathryn being home all night, but if you don't show up, I suspect you might escape hanging!" Luke laughed as Michael kissed Mary Kathryn then started walking down the river. Obviously he was going to walk to the road and then home rather than crossing the meadow. I guess he remembered the outcome of one of the walks Luke and I had taken in the open meadow.
        The family was gathering at the Andrews for breakfast since there would be no family Sunday dinner. Luke and I showered and he shaved after Mary Kathryn had showered. We got dressed and went to Margaret's and David's for breakfast. It was not the usual jolly family gathering. While we were eating I noticed Jens kept looking at Michael and Mary Kathryn. They must have noticed too because Michael was getting very nervous. We all knew about Jens' temper, especially when his kids were involved. Wild woman finally had had it and said, "Yes, Dad, Michael and I went to the falls after we got home last night. And yes, we didn't keep our clothes on. And yes, the love making was hot, passionate, fantastic."
        I thought to myself, "Mary Kathryn, why get Jens going since we will all be splitting soon?"
        "And no, Michael is not gay. I can assure you of that, not that it should matter to you, but it sure as hell would matter to me! Dad, anything else you want to know?" I saw Mary Kathryn wicked grin which she was hiding from Jens and also the fire in her eyes--which he definitely saw as soon as she had the grin under control." Jens was trying very hard to keep control and I knew it. Damn, was there to be a family fight? Just what we all needed to remember when we were separated! "Oh, I forgot, we're both still virgins if it takes going all the way to lose your virginity," Mary Kathryn added with a wicked laugh. There was a communal sigh of relief--not, I suspect because Michael and Mary Kathryn had resisted temptation, but because there was nothing for Jens to be upset about.
        But Jens did not like being the butt of a joke so I wasn't sure how he would take the whole thing until he burst out laughing. "You women sure know how to pull a man's chain," he laughed, "especially you, my baby girl."
        "May be your baby girl," Michael said, taking a risk, "but definitely my wild woman and I love it." He leaned over and kissed Mary Kathryn who was sitting beside him. The rest of the breakfast was a joyous time with a lot of joking and "remember when" game playing.
        During church, Fr. Tom called Bill, Linda and Mary Kathryn to the front for a commissioning ceremony, commissioning them as campers and the camp counselors.  During the Prayers for the People, there were prayers for travelers--we were all mentioned by name--and for God's blessing on our summer endeavors.
        As soon as the service ended, we all went to the parking lot since Michael and Luke were leaving for the airport immediately. Ms. Wright had asked about Paula going with them so she and Jacob were waiting for us. After hugs all around, Michael and Mary Kathryn, Jacob and Paula, Luke and I embraced for a last passionate kiss and then our loves were gone. We did manage to keep the tears to a minimum, but our pain was not. Even Jacob was teary eyed. Man, when he caught the bug, he caught it big time. I didn't blame him. Paula is some fantastic woman.
        The three leaving for camp were to leave very shortly, so all of the family joined us for a quick lunch and then the campers took off in Bill's car. I had offered to drive Jacob to Lexington, but since it was really out of my way, he had declined. Eugene and Larry insisted he go with them. Larry was to start his internship Monday so they would drive over very early Monday morning.
        Suddenly I felt very alone. I guess I could have hung around awhile, but I had a very long drive ahead of me and Dad and Mom insisted I get started. Dad had made reservations at a motel just over half way to Sewanee. I had to check in at Sewanee by noon Monday and if I hit the road, I'd get some sleep tonight.
        We all knew I would be home in four weeks which was usual for my summer programs since I was in high school so there were never any tears or prolonged goodbyes--until today. I guess we all realized this was just a practice for my leaving in September and we all were a bit misty eyed as I got the Jeep and started the long trip. When I got on the road, I put in a CD and tried to enjoy the drive as I got deeper into the mountains.
        It was twilight when I reached the motel and checked in. I was tired from driving and, I suspect, the tension of the day. I tried to watch TV, but it was all so silly I finally just turned it off, crawled into bed and turned out the lights.
        I don't know why, but as soon as the lights were out, my mind started racing, thinking about all that had happened since that day I saw Luke lying face down in the river. I found it hard to believe it was only four months ago this week. What an emotional roller coaster ride those four months had been! But with all the pain in those four months, it had been a glorious time and I was overcome by a feeling of deep thanksgiving! I thought about all the Fellowship, scattered, but still very much with me. I offered up a prayer, in my way, for Larry and Eugene and what they faced, for Michael and Mary Kathryn and the hard decisions confronting them, for Jacob and Paula and their new-found love, for Linda and Bill and their deepening relationship. I gave thanksgiving for the family, those six wonderful, loving, caring people who had nurtured all of us. And I gave a special prayer and thanksgiving for my Luke. I missed him so much already it was painful and I had seen him less than twelve hours ago. What would doing without his arms about me for six weeks be like? I didn't want to think about it. Finally I was able to escape into dreamland where I dreamed of our last night together, making love in the moonlight under the willows with all the night sounds around us

 Luke

        When we reached the airport, all three of us checked in. Paula and Michael were to be together on the first leg of their trip. Their plane was leaving after mine, so when my flight was called, I hugged Mom and Dad, Michael and Paula and raced to the plane without looking back. I knew I was only leaving for six weeks, but I knew I would be in tears if I hung around.
        I found my seat and sat down, staring out the window. Soon a young, very attractive woman sat beside me. I smiled at her and she smiled back and introduced herself. "I'm Janet," she said, extending her hand.
        "I'm Luke," I replied as I took her hand.
        "Where are you headed?" she asked. When I told her, she laughed and said she was also on her way to Sarasota and the Ringling School of Art.
        We talked about what we expected and finally acknowledged we didn't know what to expect. As we talked, she asked me if I had seen the public broadcasting system's special on an art exhibition in Concord. When she did I laughed, then did a Matt Greywolf blush. When she saw me blush she suddenly laughed and said, "I thought your name sounded familiar! It was your exhibition! I'm honored to be with you this summer. That was some exhibition and you are some artist!" She started asking me questions about it and soon I was talking a mile a minute. I sure didn't feel shy about my work!
        "Can I ask you a very personal question?" she asked. When I nodded, she asked, "The painting of the young man dressed as an Indian in the room by itself, why was it so special? That's not what I mean. I mean I could see that it was magnificent and was special in that way, but it seemed to be special in some other way." She laughed and then said, "I'm not sure what I mean."
        "Maybe I can help," I said. "Yes, it is special, very,very special. It is a painting of my brother--well, not a blood brother, but my brother nonetheless." I then started telling her the story of the family and while she looked interested, after talking for five minutes I said, "Look, I'm probably boring you to death."
        "Not at all! I am absolutely fascinated. I am an only child and my parents are divorced so I am always fascinated by families and you seem to have a super family--wow--three brothers and a sister and three fathers and three mothers. I remember the series of paintings now, but there was one of--what's his name?"
        "You want all of it?" I laughed. "It's a mouthful. His full name is Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf."
        "You said it. That is a mouthful. Why all that name?"
        That, of course, called for another story and she was completely absorbed in my telling it. As I finished, she said, "Well, it's a good mixture. He is a good looking hunk."
        "I couldn't agree more. And he is as good and kind and loving as he is good looking."
        "Which brings us back to my question. The painting seems to have something special beyond the fact that he is your brother--I remember another good looking hunk--I started to say dressed, but I guess it's undressed--as a Greek warrior and I didn't feel that specialness about him."
        I thought for a moment before I decided to answer her question then said, "Well, he's special to someone. He is the light of my sister's life, her soulmate. Matt is mine."
        It took her a minute before she realized what I meant and then asked, "You mean you and Matt are...."
        "We are lovers and, damn, I miss him already. Six weeks without Matt are going to be pure hell." I knew it. I just knew it. My eyes started filling with tears.
        Janet put her arm around my shoulders and pulled my head to her chest and stroked my hair. "You are lucky you have someone to love and who loves you," she said. Soon I was able to gain control and sat up and smiled at her. "I guess since you grew up together, you have been lovers for some time."
        "Well, yes and no," I replied.  "We found we had been in love with each other for years, but we have only known it for four months this week."
        "That sounds like a great story," she said. "Tell me about it." Before I knew it I was telling Janet about my attempted suicide and all that followed. From time to time I stopped and told her if I was boring her to tell me. Each time she urged me on. "You must have felt like you were living on a rollercoaster these past four months." I agreed.
        When I told her about the painting and Michael getting cut, she was outraged. "I hope Michael is ok," she said. Again, I started telling her about Michael's escaping death and that the painting had been restored.
        By the time the pilot announced we would be landing in fifteen minutes, Janet had heard the soap opera which had been my life the past four months. I realized I had done all the talking and apologized and said she'd have to tell me her story soon. "Pretty dull stuff, I suspect," she said, "to someone who has lived your life. But, yes, we'll have to get together and I want to hear the CD of the concert. You do have one, don't you?"
        "If the truth be known," I replied, "I have several!"
        When we landed there was a car waiting to take us to the school. As we approached the school, I was struck by the people walking around. I knew that piercing and wild colored hair in spikes was the rage in places, but I felt like I had just been dumped into another world. "Guess Concord is a bit more conservative than Jackson, but even Jackson would find some of these folks weird," she laughed. We agreed to meet for dinner and I went to my room and started unpacking, trying not to think about Matt. Thank goodness, Janet had kept me busy talking and while I talked a lot about Matt, I wasn't missing him. Now in my room alone, I missed him like hell. When I placed a photograph of the painting beside my bed, the tears poured.

 Michael

         I was glad I had Paula with me because it kept me from thinking too much about leaving Mary Kathryn behind. After we got on the plane I asked her how things were going with Jacob and that did it. She started talking about him a mile a minute.
        "I thought I was in love with that rat Sheldon and was really broken up when he had to move, but prom night cured that! I was hurt deeply by his demanding sex and then leaving when I wouldn't, as he said, 'put out'. I thought I knew him, but I didn't and how can you love someone you don't know?  After that night I knew one thing. I knew I'd never allow a man to hurt me that way again. When I realized I was developing some very strong feelings for Jacob, I kept giving myself a real talking to and thought it was working, but that day at the falls, I realized I had only been fooling myself. But I still held back--I guess it didn't look that way, but I did."
        "Bless his heart, that redheaded hunk took it all in stride. He was patient and so very caring and loving. I don't know that I would have been as patient as he was. I know you all see him as a happy-go-lucky, carefree guy without a serious bone in his body--and in a sense that's right. I have never known anyone so in love with life. But there's another side to him, a very serious side. I sometimes think he is like a puppy because he is so full of life and so much fun. But he's also a loyal, loving person. He loves as he does 'most every thing--unconditionally. He just wants to love and be loved, but is never pushy or demanding."
        "Once when we were doing some heavy making out, I got very uptight and he knew it at once. He took my face in his hands and looked me straight in the eye and said, 'Paula, I love you. I have never loved anyone as I love you, not even close, but that doesn't mean I want you to do anything you are not ready and willing to do. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to make mad, passionate love to you right here.' We were sitting in the den for heaven's sake! 'But I can love you without having sex. When we are both ready, then I promise you we'll have sex we will both remember in the nursing home, but that will only happen when we are both sure the time and place are right.' That's the kind of guy he is, Michael. God knows, I am so thankful we both realized that there was something special between us because I love that man so much it hurts sometimes. And just when we discovered we were in love, we got separated." Paula's eyes became misty and I held her close, knowing well how she felt.
        When we reached the hub airport, we only had a few minutes before our next flight so we hugged each other and as we started to part, she grabbed me and kissed me hard. "Pretend I am Mary Kathryn," she smiled.
        I kissed her back equally as hard and said, "That's from Jacob."
        The final leg of my flight was a short one and when I got off the plane, two monks were waiting for me. Suddenly I thought, "Just what have I gotten myself into?" They introduced themselves as Brother Gregory and Brother Anselm. We picked up my luggage and drove to the monastery, arriving near midnight. As they showed me to my cell, Brother Gregory said, "Michael, the Abbot has said after your trip, you were to sleep in until Mass at 6:00. Someone will call you in time to get dressed. You have a cassock I assume?" I assured him I did and he told I was expected to wear it to Mass. Following Mass and breakfast, I would meet the Abbot to discuss my stay with the monks. I undressed and slipped into bed--it was hard, the bed that is--and just before I fell asleep I wondered what my wild woman was doing. I wasn't much into praying, I guess, but I had started doing what Matt had said he did, thinking back over the day and giving thanks that God had given me a mom to love and who loved me, but above all for giving me the love of the most wonderful woman in all the world, Mary Kathryn, my wild woman.
        
 Part Forty-five

 Mary Kathryn

         It was hard watching Michael drive off, leaving me behind. As I watched him leave for his plane, I wondered what it would be like to have him leave my life altogether. We had long since stopped talking about going steady and all that kind of thing. Instead we talked about our future--immediate, next year, next ten years, in the nursing home. There had been no question about our being together until parted by death. That is, there had not been that kind of talk until Michael started talking about maybe becoming a priest. I would never have him know it, at least not for a while, but if he decided to go to hell I'd probably follow. Nonetheless, I can tell you one thing, I would sure dig in my heels and put up a fight! He was mine and neither God nor anyone else was claiming him without a fight!
        I thought about our Friday night together. We both had expected to sleep in separate beds--I mean temptation to throw all care to the winds was very much in bed with us--but when it came time for him to go, I asked if he thought we could stay together and still keep our first time for later and special. We talked about that and agreed that we didn't really know. Finally, Michael said, "Mary Kathryn, I am willing to give it an honest try. I'd like to spend this night beside you." I agreed and he walked down the hall and told Matt and Luke. We were in the middle of some really passionate love-making when he said, "Mary Kathryn, I want you--all of you--more than I can say, but..."
        I looked at my lover's face above mine and sighed, "So do I, Michael. Please know that, but... well, here's where we cool things down." And we did. Don't get me wrong. I didn't want it that way and yet I did. I was so glad he agreed because I know that, had he not done so, our first time would have been that night. We turned the temperature down, but it never got too cool! There are ways and then there are ways to make love! Afterwards, I looked into his eyes and smiled, then said, "Michael, you have a will of iron".
        "Well, you helped me get rid of something else that was iron!" he said as we cuddled together and spent the night locked in each others arms.
        After he left for the airport, I sat with the remaining family having a quick lunch before leaving for camp. "Could I let him go if he decided he had to be a priest? Honest?" I wondered to myself. I doubted it, but I wasn't looking forward to having to make that choice. Maybe a month among monks would change his mind. All these thoughts were swimming around in my head as we ate. Then it was time to go.
        After we put two weeks' stuff for Bill and three weeks' stuff for me and Linda in his car, it was so loaded half the back seat was taken. Most of the stuff belonged to me and Linda. When Bill said something about it, Linda said, "It just takes more to keep girls looking good than it does men". One thing for sure, men like Bill and Michael look good no matter what! Anyway, we were off to camp.

 Larry

         Sunday afternoon after all the Fellowship had left Concord, Eugene and I were sitting in my room, moping. We listened to all the music we could stand, then sat around moping some more. We weren't even up to making love. Eugene finally said, "You know, we're acting as though we have lost our last friend".
        "Kinda feel like we have with the whole Fellowship gone except Jacob. But why don't we spend some time with people we have been kinda neglecting? Why don't we take the women in our life for a spin?"
        Eugene thought that was a great idea and he went looking for Millie while I called Mom. Soon the four of us were in Eugene's car, the top down, driving out into the country. It was a beautiful late afternoon and we were having a grand time. We waved to Greywolf and Yong Jin, who were sitting in the porch swing, as we passed.
        Several miles out of town there was a winding dirt road running along the river. Eugene turned down it and we stopped at a place where the river was very wide and shallow. We got out and soon all four of us were wading in the river, skipping rocks across it and having a ball. Mom and Millie were like two kids, enjoying themselves thoroughly. Millie had found a rather large rock--flat, round and thin--just made for skipping on the water. She leaned back to give it a good toss when her foot slipped and she fell into the river with a splash.
        At first she seemed ok, but when she tried to get up, she slipped again. Eugene rushed to her side, reaching down to help her up. "Don't think you better do that, Son," she said. "I think I did some damage to this old lady."
        I joined Eugene, who was terrified but not the only one frightened. We all thought Millie was indestructible, but it was clear something was seriously wrong. Mom joined us as Millie said, "I don't know what I did, but it hurts like hell. Damn fool woman acting like a kid. I should have known better." I saw Eugene's eye filling with tears. "Well, I can't sit here with my ass in the river all day. Let's see if you guys can get me out." Eugene and I slipped our arms under Millie's to lift her out of the river. Mom tried to hold her feet, but she said it felt better just to let them hang. She was clearly in pain, but she was Millie and not complaining.
        When we got her out of the river, it was obvious she had done more than bruise her butt. Something was broken, I was sure of it. We got her to lie down on a grassy spot and as comfortable as possible, then Eugene called 911.
        Since we were about fifteen or so miles from town, it would take the EMS team a while to reach us. Also, Eugene said he didn't know where we were. Neither Mom nor I knew. We didn't know where to tell them we were. Finally Millie asked for the phone and told the dispatcher we were on the river road on the Rankins' farm. "Hurry if you don't mind. I hurt like hell."
        Less than five minutes after the call, a van came down the road very fast. It slid to a halt and David and Margaret jumped out. "Thank God, you're here," Eugene said. "Mom's really hurt. How did you get here so fast?"
        "We heard the call on the scanner and took off. We knew we could be here long before the EMS," David answered as Margaret examined Millie.
        "What happened, Millie?" she asked.
        "Damn fool like, I was playing in the river as if I were Eugene's age and slipped and fell. When I tried to get up, I fell again. Think I may have messed up something."
        "If I had x-ray vision like Superman I could be sure but, unless I miss my guess, I'd say you were right," Margaret said as she opened her doctor's bag and took out a syringe. "I'm pretty sure you broke a hip. I'm going to give you a shot of pain killer since I don't have any Jack Daniels with me," Margaret smiled and Millie actually laughed a bit.
        The shot began to take effect very quickly and soon Millie was feeling little pain. "You know," she said, "I think this afternoon was worth a broken hip. I mean it. Hell, I haven't enjoyed myself as I did playing in the river like a kid in a long, long time. Son, we've got to do this more often."
        "Mom, I'd just as soon not do all of it ever again. I'm sorry."
        "You're sorry? You gave me a hell of a good time and you're sorry? For what? For giving me a good time? That's what it was, Eugene. That's what it was." The shot soon hit full force and Millie was just about out of this world.
        David came over and told us the x-ray techs and an orthopedic surgeon would be waiting at the hospital when Millie got there. While he was talking, the EMS arrived and in five minutes had Millie ready to roll. As soon as they left, Margaret looked at Eugene, who was still shaken from Millie's fall, and said, "Eugene, I think you'd better let Larry drive." Eugene just nodded. "We'll meet you at the hospital," she added as she got into the van.
        I knew the Greywolfs would be wondering what had happened, since they were still outside when we passed and must have seen David and Margaret leave in a hurry and the EMS team pass. "Gene, call the Greywolfs and tell them what happened," I said as I waved to them.
        Eugene called the Greywolfs and when he had finished said, "I've got to call Jason and I don't even know his number. I don't even know him. Every time he and Anthony planned on coming, something happened. Silly, I guess, but I'm kinda frightened at the thought of calling him. I mean, I'm a brother he never asked for and has never met and I have to call him and tell him I broke Mom's hip."
        "What a bunch of bullshit!" Mom said. I almost lost control of the car because my mom doesn't say things like that. "I have never heard a bigger bunch of pure bullshit in my life!" she went on. "It wasn't pain killer talking when Millie said she enjoyed herself playing in the river more than she had in a long time. You have given her so much for which she is thankful, and today just added to it. She might have fallen anywhere. Millie is no longer a young woman and these things happen. Just be glad it happened while she was enjoying life. And why be frightened of calling Jason? I'm sure that Millie has sung your praises to him a million times since you came into her life and he, if he is as good and loving as I have heard, must be overjoyed at the pleasure you have given his mom. You don't know his number? That's why there's directory assistance."

 Eugene

         I still was nervous when I called for Jason's number. I dialed it, half hoping he wasn't home. No such luck. The phone only rang twice before it was picked up. A male voice answered and I asked, "Mr. Willingham?"
        "No, this is Anthony. I'll get Jason." I waited, shaking a bit, until another voice said, "Jason here."
        "Mr. Willingham, this is Eugene. Eugene Willingham."
        "Oh, the other Mr. Willingham. Ok, Eugene, what's with the Mr. Willingham bit?"
        "Well, I mean... Ok, Jason, this is Eugene."
        "That's better. What's up?"
        "Mom's been hurt. She fell in the river and I think broke her hip. She's on her way to the hospital. I'm sorry." I started crying.
        "Hold on, Eugene. Tell me what happened."
        I started from the beginning and Jason listened patiently. I thought I heard Jason laughing and when he spoke, I knew he was.
        "Sorry for laughing, Eugene, but I can just picture Mom skipping rocks on the river then falling on her butt! What a tale she'll have to tell. And I'll place money on her grousing that there was no Jack Daniels available." By the time he finished, I was laughing too. "Eugene, you and I have quite a mom. I'm sure she'll do fine. Wish we had met before--isn't that life, always wishing you had done something before--but this time it'll happen. Anthony has his pilot's license and has been dying to fly over so we'll be on our way within the hour. There's a small lighted strip in Lexington where we can land at night. Could some of your friends meet us?"
        "That's the reason we were in the river. All our friends left today for summer programs. Only Larry and I are here so we decided to go for a drive with our moms and ended up playing in the river."
        "Eugene, love you already. Anyone who would think of taking Millie to wade in the river is alright in my book! We'll rent a car. I hope the agencies will be open."
        "Jason, Larry can come meet you."
        "And leave you at the hospital without your soulmate? Nothing doing. I know I'd want Anthony there with me."
        "Hey, the Greywolfs can come. I know they will. I called them just before I called you because I knew they would be all upset not knowing what was going on. I'm sure they'll be at the hospital shortly after we are. Anyway, they or someone will meet you."
        "It will take us about an hour and a half to get there since we have to throw some things together, drive to the airport and fly over. See you soon, Little Brother."
        "Great, Big Brother." After I got off the phone, I really was looking forward to meeting my big brother for the first time. I told Larry and his mother the plans. Larry's mom said if the Greywolfs couldn't go, she would.

 Luke

        When we checked in, Janet and I learned we had rooms on the same floor and were told to come back to the lobby at 7:00 to be picked up for the opening dinner. "Coat and tie," the guy who checked us in told me. I laughed at Janet's remark as we started up the stairs, "Coat and tie for those pierced and painted dudes we saw? Clown suits would seem to be more appropriate."
        I had finished unpacking when I looked at my watch and realized I still had an hour before I had to be downstairs, so I decided to shower before getting dressed. I had just finished and was drying myself when there was a knock on the door. Without thinking, I yelled, "It's open". Janet opened the door and came in. "Oops, sorry. I wasn't thinking. I am so used to having my sister see me in all states of dress--and undress--that I forgot where I was."
        Janet laughed, "Never apologize for showing off that bod, Man, you look good enough to eat with a spoon." She really started laughing when I blushed. "I didn't know there was a man on earth who still blushed," she said.
        "There are a few," I said. "Actually, it's a MGTD--Matt Greywolf transmitted disease--caught by people who are around him too long. If he were as fair as I am, he'd look like a Christmas tree much of the time he blushes so much. Have a seat. I'll be ready in a minute."
        Janet sat on the bed and, as she did, she picked up the photo of the painting of Matt. "Is he really as handsome as this painting or did you kinda make him special."
        "He is special but, yes, he's as handsome as that picture. He's beautiful. See." I handed her my wallet with photographs of Matt. One I had forgotten about was a picture of Matt diving from Lookout Rock.
        "You're right," she said as she looked at Matt in his natural beauty suspended in the air above the falls' basin. "A beautiful place," she added. "Bet there's stories about it too."
        "Tons of stories, but you must be tired of stories by now since I bent your ear for the entire flight."
        "Not at all. I want to hear every one of your stories. You are a fascinating guy. Kinda wish... well, you're not, but we can be friends, can't we?"
        "Sure. I'd be honored. Well, I'm dressed. Think I'll pass?"
        "I'm not sure. We could break out your paints and work on your hair," she laughed. "But I guess you'll do." She stood up, took my arm and we went downstairs.
        The dining room was set up with round tables for program participants. Shortly after we arrived, a man at the front table announced that each table was set for five students and an instructor. "Leave a place for the instructor who will be sitting at your table, but sit anywhere you please." Janet and I walked to the nearest table and were soon joined by three others--two women and a guy. All three had numerous things pierced and all had spiked hair dyed green, red and purple.
        They introduced themselves as Bill, Bobbie and Bud from Orlando. Janet and I introduced ourselves just as a young, dark-headed man came to the table and introduced himself as Rich Smith. "I'm one of the painting and drawing instructors. When we introduced ourselves he said, "Luke Larsen... your name sounds familiar. Have we met?"
        I told him we had not. Janet asked him if he had seen a TV program on an exhibition in Concord. "I know it wasn't broadcast nationally, but I thought you might have seen it somewhere."
        "I have. Someone showed a tape to the faculty. It was supposed to convince us that we had some talented people coming," he answered in a voice which clearly indicated he had been convinced of nothing.
        "It was Luke's," Janet said.
        "Ah, that's why your name sounded familiar. Pretty good show, Luke. Some fairly good stuff." I didn't know what to think. "Fairly good stuff?" That sounded like damning with faint praise, but then he was the artist, the instructor. Guess I needed to have my ego deflated a bit.
        After the welcoming address--which fortunately was short--we got to eat. I was starved. The food on the plane was--well it was food on a plane, need I say more? I really felt out of it when the table conversation turned to the latest and hottest music enjoyed by the multi-colored three because I had heard very little of it. From the conversation, I don't think I had missed much.
        After dinner Janet suggested we walk back to the dorm and asked Rich for directions. As we walked, I asked her about herself. She told me she and her boyfriend of two years had recently broken up. "No real fight or anything, we both realized about the same time that we were boring each other to tears. I miss having him--or someone--around but I'm not torn up over it. We could have had a longer relationship, but we were never really close--I mean as friends--and if you're not friends, there's not a lot to talk about or do if you know what I mean."
        "Not really," I said. "Matt and I have been friends since the day we were born. Now we are friends and lovers--but friends first."
        "You're lucky," she said. She told me about her family and the divorce. Seems her parents had used her against each other and she had taken advantage of that. "I was a really rotten, spoiled brat until I got into art. That gave me something that was mine and which neither of my parents understood. It created a whole new world for me." We talked about our art and what it meant to us as we walked.
        When we reached the dorm, I walked her to her room and told her goodnight. When I got to my room, I undressed and slipped into a very lonely bed, wondering where my love was tonight. I prayed he was safe. I was still thinking of him when I drifted off to sleep.

 Jason

        Anthony and I got our things ready and drove to the airport. I stowed things in the plane while he filed a flight plan and we were on our way. We had been flying a few minutes when he asked, "Jason, I have never mentioned it except in passing, but why haven't we flown over before? What kept us? I offered several times, but you always had an excuse. You know you hurt Millie when you didn't go over for the concert."
        Anthony was right, of course. I hadn't told him why I wouldn't go to Concord because I knew he would think it was petty because it was. "Anthony, I didn't go because I was jealous and hurt when Mom adopted Eugene. I know I had no reason to feel that way, but I did. It ate on me and every time we talked on the phone it made it worse. She told me all the glowing things about Eugene and I kept feeling as though she had allowed him to take my place. In my mind he was just some throwaway kid she had taken in and replaced me. I couldn't go to the concert because I was afraid it would prove just how stupid I was and I knew it."
        "And now?"
        "When I heard that kid's voice and his obvious concern for Mom, I realized how wrong I had been. But you know what really changed my mind? It was when he told me how Mom had been hurt. Only someone who really loved Mom would have taken her to the river and played in it with her. I have been a real shithead."
        "Agreed, and not the first time, Jase. Not the first time. Do you think Eugene knows how you feel?"
        "Felt. I hope not, but I intend to tell him. He has a right to know his big brother can be a number one asshole."
        "Maybe I need to talk to him as well. Maybe I need to tell him his big brother is also one great guy."
        Anthony looked at me and smiled. It's been how many--a lot--of years since I saw that smile for the first time and I still get goose bumps when I see it. I leaned over and kissed him and said, "You know you still kill me with that smile". Which, of course, got another one for me.
        The Greywolfs were waiting for us and we were soon on our way to Concord. Almost as soon as we were in the car, Anthony asked, "Well, what do you two think of Jason's new brother? You do know him don't you?"
        "The only way Millie might have picked a better one would have been if she had picked one of ours." I had to explain to Anthony about the three families. "And how are all the family?" I asked. As we drove, I got caught up on what had been going on that Mom had neglected to tell me about. She had simply told me Eugene had been beaten and thrown out by his family, but I didn't know the details. "And he has been in court and has to go next week? What's that all about?" I asked after I had learned what kind of kid Mom had adopted and why--and she had adopted him before she knew about the abuse by the preacher.
        Before Greywolf finished, I was feeling sick. He actually had to stop the car and let me throw up. When I got back in, Young Jin asked, "Rough plane trip?"
        "No, he's sick because he has been an asshole," Anthony said. "Sorry about the language, but he has."
        I didn't want Anthony to tell them what a jerk I had been, so I told them.
        "Don't worry about how Eugene will take it. He had a real struggle with it himself, afraid you'd think he had horned in on your place. He'll understand," Yong Jin said.
        When we reached the hospital, Anthony and I went immediately to Mom's room. As I walked in the door, a young man practically threw himself at me and embraced me in a bear hug. "I'm so glad you're here Jason. Mom hasn't waked up yet, but I know when she does, she'll get better the minute she sees you."
        "Who says I'm not awake," Millie said. "Sons, hug your crippled mama. You too, son-in-law.
        We talked with Mom for a short time, then the nurse came to give her a shot. "You'll be asleep shortly, Mrs. Willingham. Guys, Mrs. Willingham had a hip replacment you know. She'll be up tomorrow. That's the way it's done with replacements these days. But tonight she sleeps."
        When we got downstairs, Eugene introduced us to Larry, "my soulmate, my love, my life." Anthony said, "Ain't young love grand!"
        "Almost as grand as old love," I laughed as I hugged Larry.
        When we got home, Eugene asked, "Like a nightcap? I know I can find some JD and stump." I nodded, and Eugene disappeared and returned shortly with two drinks and two sodas.
        The four of us sat and talked about many things. Larry showed us part of the concert tape--what a fool I had been to have missed that--and, after we had talked some more, Anthony said, "I think it's long past bedtime".
        "You go ahead, I want to talk with Eugene awhile--alone."
        I had forgotten Larry for the moment until Eugene said, "Lar, go on to bed. I'll come later". Larry walked over to Eugene, bent over and kissed him passionately as though there were no-one else present. I guess Anthony decided that was the ok sign and kissed me as well.
        After our lovers had left, I said, "Eugene, tonight as we were flying over I told Anthony I had been an asshole and he agreed with me". I then spilled all the stuff I had been feeling for too long. Eugene listened, paying attention to every word I said. When I had finished, I said, "Brother, I am very sorry. I caused you pain and I know I hurt Mom, something I thought I would never do. Please forgive me." I hadn't realized it, but I had started crying as I talked because I realized just how much I had hurt Mom and Eugene. Eugene didn't say a word. He just got up, walked over to me and hugged me tightly. Then he said, "You don't know how much it means to have a big brother. I understand how you must have felt, but I never wanted to replace you even if I could. Forgive you? Sure I do."
        Eugene and I didn't stop talking until the pre-dawn hours, then both went to our lovers' beds.

 Part Forty-six

 Luke

        I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock three times and, before it went off again, there was a knock on the door. Recalling having been caught with my pants down--actually off--the night before, I yelled, "Just a minute". I crawled out of bed, grabbed a towel and tied it around my waist. "Come in, it's open," I yelled.
        Janet opened the door and came in. "Don't you ever lock your door?" she asked.
        "Forgot. Never lock it at home," I replied, still half asleep.
        "Well, you better remember. You never know who might come in and catch you in your birthday suit. And now you better get a move on if you expect to eat breakfast. We have to be in the studio in an hour."
        I dashed into the bathroom--thank goodness we each had our own--took a very quick shower and shaved. Maybe I'd leave off shaving while I was here. When I finished, I tied a towel around myself again and went looking for something to wear. "Better look the other way unless you want to appreciate my glorious body--which you can see, but not touch," I laughed as I snagged a pair of boxers and pulled them on. When I was dressed, I grabbed my sketch pad and my pencil box as we had been told we'd begin work with pencils. Then Janet and I were off.
        After breakfast, we went to the studio where we were to meet our instructor and get the details of the program. The dark-haired instructor who had sat with us last night was head of our group. "I'm Rich Smith, but call me Rich," he said, "You are all high school students--actually most of you have just graduated, congrats on making it--and probably had minimal art training and study. Accordingly, you will spend your first half of the program with me working on drawing and painting. We will begin drawing using pencil, charcoal, the usual. Then those of you who are ready will move to painting, going from acrylics to oils and, finally, watercolor."
        "I've looked at the work you submitted as a part of your application and know that all of you are talented or you wouldn't be here. That's the good news. The bad news is that you range from pretty good to pretty bad so far as technique is concerned. Within reason, you will work at your own pace, beginning where you are and moving ahead. For those of you who are pretty advanced, you can be on your own, doing whatever you like after the morning session. For those of you who are not so advanced, you will be here in the afternoon as well. Questions?"
        A guy with red, green and orange spiked hair and a nose ring asked, "Do you mean that if we're good enough, we are free all afternoon?"
        "Glad you asked that. You are ...?"
        "Douglas."
        "... because that's not what I mean. I mean that if you are advanced enough and complete the assigned projects in the morning, you are free to create and work on your own projects in the afternoon. You can paint, sculpt, whatever, but you have to be working on your art. All studios are open to all students in the afternoon. Just be sure to identify yourself when you go to another studio and make sure I think it's ok for you to do so."
        "As I said, I looked at the work you submitted with your application and have a general idea of how good you are, but I want to have another look at what you can do. I want a pencil drawing of your hand--the one you do not use drawing of course. When you finish, I will have a better idea of where you are in your art. Questions? Then go to it."
        I had done pencil drawing ever since I could remember so I flipped open my sketch pad, put my left hand, palm up, beside it and started drawing. As I worked away, I saw Rich walking about the studio, looking over the shoulders of the artists at work. When I first started working with Mr. Stephenson he really bugged me doing that, but gradually I got to where I seldom knew he was there. So it was when Rich came by. He passed by without comment. I had just about finished my drawing--I was using a very soft pencil and smudged the lines with my finger to give texture and shades of gray to the drawing--and when I was satisfied, I turned my hand over and started drawing the back. Strange, my hand was always there at the end of my arm but, as I drew it the second time, I realized I was seeing things I had never noticed before--a blood vessel, a small scar, a broken nail. I was fascinated.
        I had just about finished drawing the back side of my hand when Rich said, "When you finish, you may take a break. Be back at 10:45 for the critique." I finished in about five minutes, stood up, stretched and headed for the restroom and grabbed a Coke out of a machine. I looked at my watch and saw I had half an hour before I had to be back, so I decided to go outside. I sat on a bench in the shade knowing what the bright Florida sun would do to my skin. I needed to use sunscreen every morning or I would end up a mess because I wasn't about to stay inside all the time.
        Janet came out and joined me a few minutes after I sat down. I was deep in thought and I guess she sensed it because she didn't say anything for a while then said, "A penny for your thoughts".
        I smiled at her and said, "I bet you'd never guess. I was wondering if Matt had reached Sewanee yet. He had to check in by noon today so he should be there. I was just hoping he is safe and sound. This is the first time we have been separated and I miss him so much. I guess I miss him especially because I know he's so far away."
        "Where would you like to be with him right now--I mean other than in bed!"
        "I'd prefer not being in bed, thank you! I'd like to be with him at the falls, swimming, playing around and maybe making love."
        "What's so great about the falls?"
        "It's a special place," I replied and started telling her all about the falls--from the time the family discovered them until our skip day. "The falls are a special place in a thousand ways, but they are very, very special because Matt and I made love--all the way--for the first time there." I didn't go into detail about our love making, but I did tell her about the candles and making love as the sun rose. "God, I miss my Dark Angel, my Sarang Hanun Pomul," I sighed.
        We almost forgot to go back to class, but managed to rush in at exactly 10:45. "There's a table in the center of the room. I want all of you to put your drawings on the table and gather round it so we can talk about them," Rich said as soon as we walked in.
        When everyone had gathered around the table, Rich asked, "What sticks out in your mind about the exercise?" I was surprised when students started talking about how hard it had been or how easy. I hadn't thought about that. I don't think I ever do; I just draw. Finally I said, "What really struck me was how I had never seen my hand before. I mean, of course, I had seen it, but not really. I saw things I never noticed."
        "Anyone else feel that way?" he asked. A couple other students nodded their heads.
        "One of the things which separates good artists from poor artists is the ability to observe, to see, and to see things in the familiar you have never seen before. Open your eyes and you will be surprised," he laughed. "Now look at the drawings and tell me what you notice."
        "Some people drew the back of the hand--most in fact--some drew the palm side and that guy..."
        "I'm Luke," I said.
        "Luke. He drew both." It was Douglas speaking.
        "Trying to impress the instructor?" Rich asked. I didn't know what to make of this guy. Maybe I was being thin-skinned, but he seemed to want to make sure I knew I wasn't very good.
        "Just following instructions," I replied with more than a note of sarcasm in my voice. "You said draw my hand and it has two sides."
        Rich ignored my remark and started talking about the drawings on the table. "Notice," he said, "each of you have a style and a particular technique. Some are very realistic while others are highly stylized--here's one bordering on cubism. Some look like anatomical drawing. Luke's looks more like a charcoal approach than pencil due to his using his fingers to smudge the drawing." He continued to point out things about the drawings then said, "For the second half of the morning session, I want you to team up in pairs and draw your partner's hand. Again, draw the one he or she is not using so both of you are drawing at the same time. And, this time, use a different technique. Go to it. Try to finish by 12:30 so we can have a critique before the session ends at 1:00. During the critique I'll tell you whether or not I want you back this afternoon.
        Before you could say "scat!", Janet grabbed my hand and said, "We're partners, Luke."
        Try drawing with one hand and holding the other still. It's not easy. This time I selected a harder pencil and drew Janet's hand in a style that looked like an engraving, very detailed. It took much longer than the previous one and I had just finished when Rich said, "Take two more minutes if you need them. As soon as you finish, put your drawings on the table and return to your places." Janet finished a minute later and we put our drawings on the table.
        Rich moved the drawings around and asked the class to compare them with the previous ones and decide which drawing belonged to whom.
        Matching some were easy--the techniques and styles showed little change. Three, however, kept being shifted around. "Ok," Rich said, "if your two are not together, make the changes. Douglas, Janet and I all changed ours. Douglas had used the same technique I had used on my first one although his style was clearly different. Janet had done a much more abstract piece than her first which was like an anatomical drawing. "Clearly the three drawings which were confusing illustrate an important point. Each artist has a style that is his or her own. However, each of you needs to have a pallet of techniques. If you will look closely at the six drawings which were confused, you can see the artist's style even though the techniques are vastly different. Well, that concludes today's session. Several of you mentioned the fact that you arrived late yesterday after a long trip so why don't you take the afternoon off to get settled and get some rest? Tomorrow we'll begin the afternoon sessions.
        As we were leaving, Douglas asked me and Janet, "How'd you guys like to spend the afternoon at the beach? I live in Crescent Beach and am staying at home so I have my car here."
        "Sounds great to me," Janet said. "I need to work on a tan if I'm going back to school next fall after six weeks in Florida."
        "I'd love it provided we can get some sunscreen on the way. Otherwise I will be burned to a crisp. A tan I have never had and never expect to have."
        Douglas went to the dorm with us and we picked up towels and swim wear and soon we were on our way to the beach. Douglas had picked out an isolated stretch--I was surprised that such existed--and had a beach umbrella. I had pulled on some long pants and a shirt, knowing what would happen if I got too much sun. When I stripped to my trunks and started putting on sunscreen, Janet said, "Let me do that." I may be gay, but the way she was putting on the sunscreen got my attention! I noticed Douglas giving us a funny look and thought I might need to speak to him and definitely I needed to talk to Janet. She was coming on very strong and while it was not a temptation--well, not really--someone rubbing your thighs all the way up to your equipment is bound to get a rise out of a horny eighteen year old.
        We had a grand time even though I spent most of it in the shade of the umbrella. Even after that and the sunscreen, I was a bit pink from the reflection from the water when we got back to the dorm.
        It was time for dinner by the time we had changed and I asked Douglas to eat with us and he did. We talked a blue streak through dinner and on the way back to the dorm. Janet thanked us for a great afternoon and went down the hall to her room. I invited Douglas in for a Coke.
        When we were inside, I told him I wanted to apologize for thinking he was a nut because of the hair and nose ring. "No need to apologize," he said. "You have to expect people to think you're weird if you look weird. I don't, really, in my school. I come here for art classes and am an artist, and students in my fine arts magnet school are going to look pretty much as I do--or worse! But I want to ask you a question--well, it's kinda personal..."
        "Feel free," I said.
        "How long have you known Janet?"
        "I met her on the plane. Why?"
        "I find her very attractive, but I thought she was your girlfriend. I mean she acts like it."
        "Yea, I know. She sure is coming on strong. It's kinda embarrassing and puts me in a hard spot."
        "A spot wouldn't be the only thing hard if she gave me a massage like she gave you with the sunscreen."
        "You don't have to tell me about that!" I laughed.
        "I really wondered because I couldn't help but notice that when I came in with you earlier," he said, nodding toward the photo beside my bed.
        "That's a photo of a painting from the exhibition Janet and Rich were talking about last night."
        "If I'm wrong, tell me, but I don't think you'd have a photo of a painting by your bed unless the subject was important. I mean..."
        "You mean you think the subject is special."
        "Yea."
        "Well, you're right. That's a painting of Matt Greywolf and there is no-one on earth more special than Matt. To answer your question--which you haven't asked--I'm gay and Matt is the love of my life. Hope that doesn't mean we can't be friends, but that's the way it is."
        "Hey, so long as you don't hit on me, I'm fine with it. But what's with this Janet chick? When are you going to tell her?"
        "She knows. That's the reason I can't understand her coming on so strong--and she is, isn't she? I mean I am not totally inexperienced around women and I think I know when I am being hit on."
        "Take it from one who is very much into women. You're being hit on big time."
        "What do you think I should do about it? I mean she knows I'm gay. She knows I am so in love with Matt I tried to kill myself when I thought I'd never have his love and she still comes on strong."
        "Suspect she is testing you. Lot of women believe a guy who claims to be gay really wants a woman. You'd be a feather in her cap if she could make you straight or maybe just make you! I'd love to take her off your hands, but I don't know what you should do. Maybe talk to her and tell her you'd like to be friends, but can't if she keeps hitting on you." We talked a while longer about the Janet situation and then the talk drifted to usual teenage things. He was surprised I didn't know the music he liked and even more surprised at what I liked. We talked about school and our fears about next year. All that kind of stuff.
        When he left, I went downstairs where there were two computers in an alcove and wrote a long e-mail which I sent to everyone about the trip down, our first session and the afternoon on the beach. I didn't say too much about Janet in that, but I wrote Matt a separate one:
        "Dark angel, My Love and My Life,
        I miss you so much! I want your arms around me. I want to be in that special world you create for us with your hair. I want to smell the fragrance of my Matt. Only one day has passed and already I am ready to come to you.
        Janet, whom I mentioned in the general letter, seems to have taken me on as a project. She wants my body! She knows about us, but is still coming on strong. Not to worry, she's no competition for my Sarang Hanun Pomul!"
        The rest of the e-mail was just an outpouring of my love for my Matt.
        I went back upstairs, undressed and slipped into bed. I lay there thinking about the day and about what I was going to say to Janet. Finally, I went to sleep to dream of my Dark Angel.
        I woke up in the middle of the night without knowing why at first, then I realized I had had a wet dream. It had been so long I almost forgot about them. I cleaned myself and the bed, then went back to sleep to be awakened by the damn alarm clock. This time I got up right away and was dressed when Janet knocked on my door.
        That second day Rich had us drawing a series of still-lifes he had set up. Again I thought he was overly critical of my work, and also that of Janet and Douglas. It was surely obvious by the end of the morning session that we were by far the best students he had so I didn't understand what was going on. I'll admit I was getting more than a little pissed.
        After the final critique, he told most of the students he wanted them to return at 2:30. Others he told about other studios where they could work. Then he said, "Luke, Douglas and Janet, I would like to speak with you before you leave".
        Everyone grabbed their materials and dashed out the door. When they were gone, Rich said, "How would you three like to have lunch with me? I'd like to discuss some things with you."
        We all nodded and picked up our materials. As we left the building, Janet reached out and took my hand again. This time I nodded to Douglas and he took her other hand. I didn't want to embarrass Janet, but she needed to know that I wasn't interested--which she should have known anyway.
        As we walked, Rich pointed out other buildings and studios. I asked him about sculpting and especially casting using the lost wax process. He promised to introduce me to someone who would be willing to help me with my interest.
        As soon as we had gotten our lunch, Rich led us to a table that was a bit isolated from the general noise in the cafeteria. "I wanted to talk with you three because you are by far the most advanced in the class. Janet, you and Douglas are good, very good, so don't get me wrong when I say I don't expect anyone in the class to reach the point where Luke is starting. Maybe you two - you are very good, but Luke is light years ahead of all of us--myself included. That doesn't mean I can't teach you a few things, Luke, it just means you have had damn good teachers ..."
        "Teacher," I corrected him.
        "... a damn good teacher, and have worked hard at your art."
        I decided I'd discuss my bruised ego and asked, "Sunday night you said you had seen the tape of my exhibition and I had some fairly good stuff. That didn't sound like you thought much of it. Then yesterday and today you have been very critical of our work and especially mine."
        Rich laughed, "Bruised your ego did I? You did have some fairly good stuff. Most all of it was excellent. I guess I was a bit jealous and a bit frightened. This is my first year teaching and when I saw the tape I was a bit up-tight at the idea of teaching someone who could put that together. Friends?" He extended his hand.
        I smiled, shook his hand and said, "Friends".
        "I'll repeat myself. It's not that I don't think I can't teach you something. I know I can. But I also know that I will never be the artist you are at ... how old are you?"
        "Eighteen. I was eighteen the last day of May."
        "One question I'd like to ask--you don't have to answer if you don't want to--but the painting of the Indian in a room all by itself ..."
        Janet looked at me. As she did, my mind was racing a mile a minute. Did I want to answer or not? Did I want to be honest or not? I didn't know.
        "... was really something. There was something very special about it. I actually borrowed the tape to look at your 'fairly good stuff' and focused on the series of paintings called "The Family" and the sculpture. It is very obvious to me that these are people you love very deeply. I was struck by the fact that the same person appeared in those two and then, unless I am mistaken, is the subject of the one by itself. Care to say something about him?"
        Janet started to say something and I shot her glance. Did I want to out myself to Rich, as I had done with Janet and Douglas? I wasn't sure. "He's my brother," I said. "Well, not a blood brother." I then started telling him about the Family.
        "That explains the series and the sculpture. Hope what you have just said was in the catalogue," Rich said.
        "It was," I told him.
        "Well, it's a marvelous painting. Did any dealers see your show?" he asked.
        I told him they had and how much had been sold. When I mentioned how much I had earned, all three whistled.
        "Did the painting of the Indian--Matt, you said ..."
        "Luke, tell them his name," Janet said.
        "Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf," I said. "His middle name is a Korean one given to him by his father," I laughed. "His mother is half-Korean and has never told anyone whether it is good Korean or not. It means 'Beloved Treasure'."
        "Did the painting of Matt sell?"
        "It was not and is not for sale," I said.
        "Oh," Rich said and dropped the subject. "There was a montage in the exhibition. Now that would be what I call fairly good stuff."
        I had to laugh. "Didn't rate it that high but, damn, you know what? It sold."
        We all four laughed. "Well, no-one said taste and money go together," Douglas said. "You should see the trash my mom and dad have spent thousands on. I mean real trash. The worse it is the more they are convinced the artist is a misunderstood genius. Luke, do you have the tape of the exhibition?"
        "No, but I do have a CD of the concert held in conjunction with it. Like to hear it?"
        "Don't let him kid you, he has a stack of them," Janet said. "And he has a video of it as well.
        They asked about the concert and when I was about halfway through talking about it, I noticed Rich half-smiling and maybe nodding his head.
        "Well, back to why I wanted to talk with you three. First of all, I'd like for you to be kind of assistants to me. If you don't mind, I will announce to the class that you will be willing to work with individuals when you are not working on your own projects. The second thing is that I want you to know that I will often use your drawings to point out things I believe could be improved because you are good and, Luke's ego aside, take criticism. Many of the students in the class would probably be discouraged by too much criticism, but could learn from my critique of your work. If I say something with which you disagree, disagree. I'm not asking you to just accept what I say, but do know I may appear to be picking on you. Ok?"
        We all nodded.
        "Rich, I'd love to see the video of the exhibition if I could," Douglas said.
        "Even if Rich could get a copy, I haven't see any place to play it except in the lobby of the dorm and I don't think that would go over with the others in the dorm very well. They're into chick flicks or blood and guts and the VCR has been in use every time I've gone through the lobby," I replied.
        "What do you have planned for Friday evening?" Rich asked. Seems none of us had given that any thought. "I'd like to see it again and the video of the concert as well, if it's not just the usual high school kind of thing," he said.
        "It was good enough to be broadcast by the local PBS station and an audio of excerpts--actually two original compositions--played nationally on 'Performance Today' on PBS. I think it's good--but I'm prejudiced."
        "Would you three like to come over to my apartment for pizza Friday and watch them? My room-mate would certainly enjoy the concert as he is a musician." We agreed and he gave us directions--it was just off campus--and we said we'd be there at 7:30.
        Rich went his way and the three of us started back to the dorm. Again Janet took my hand. I was getting very anxious about what she thought was going on. She knew I was gay, so what was her problem?
        When we got back to the dorm, I asked Janet to come to my room after she had gone to her room and put her things away. Old cool Luke was not at all cool. I didn't know how to start or what to say. Finally I just said, "Janet, I think we need to talk".
        "Talk," she responded.
        "Please don't get me wrong and if I am out of line please tell me, but I am becoming very uncomfortable around you."
        "Why? What's the problem?"
        "I don't know how to say this without appearing to be a complete egotistical ass, but I know no other way to put it. You seem to be coming on to me--holding hands and all that sort of thing. You know I'm gay. I'm not interested in women. Well, that's not true. I love women as friends, but that's it. I have never thought about women other than as friends. Never once. I haven't even wondered what it would be like to... you know... well, have sex with a woman.
        "Didn't seem that way at the beach," she said. "I know you got hard when I was putting sunscreen on your legs."
        "Janet, I'm a horny eighteen-year-old. I suspect a girl ugly as sin playing around Little Luke would get his attention. But if you have anything other than friendship in mind, you need to forget it. It's not going to happen. And even if I did want to give women a try, I wouldn't, I couldn't. There is one love in my life and our pledge to each other is faithful until death do us part. I hope I haven't read too much into your actions or hurt you. I don't want to do that, but I want you to know exactly where I stand."
        Janet was silent for a while, her head down. When she looked up, there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry Luke, I really am. To be honest, I guess I was hoping you weren't sure about being gay and in love with Matt because I do find you damn attractive. I really lied about breaking up with my boyfriend. I was and am crushed by the break-up. He dumped me for another girl. I loved him and he played with me until he got tired and moved on. When I saw you and talked to you on the plane, you seemed like a dream come true. Six weeks with you and I was sure we'd have something going. I was wrong and knew it from the start, but I was grasping at straws. Now I have messed up. I'm sorry."
        "Janet, I meant it when I said I like having women friends. I enjoy talking with you, being with you, but as a friend. If we can keep it that way, I'd be pleased, but that's as far as it ever goes--ever."
        "I understand, Luke, and I'm old enough to know that most love at first sight is lust at first sight. So ... friends?"
        "Friends," I said and hugged her.
        As I did, she laughed and said, "But I still think you have a bod good enough to eat with a spoon! Well, I think I'll go and drown my broken heart in a Coke. I guess I need to write my mom as well."
        "Don't want to push but I'll tell you Douglas, underneath that green, red and orange hair seems like a great guy and he could really go for you. Might want to give that some thought. I'm sure he'd be fun and, hey, you have six weeks here."
        "Thanks, Luke, for being so understanding. I want you as a friend and, when you write that Korean Indian, tell him he's a damn lucky man." Janet kissed me on the cheek and said, "Thanks for taking me seriously enough to set me straight and not let me make a complete fool of myself".
        "That's what friends do," I said and gave her a hug.
        Before going to bed, I went downstairs and sent e-mails to everyone and a special one to Matt. I decided I wouldn't tell him about my talk with Janet. There was no reason to as far as I could see--and in a letter it might not be clear that she was no temptation. As I wrote, I asked myself if that were really true. I mean, had I really no interest in getting it on with a girl? If I did it was buried so deep that I couldn't find it. No, there was no temptation at all.
        The evening at Rich's was great fun. His room-mate, Josh, seemed really nice and made some ego-boosting comments about the exhibition. All three of them raved about the painting of Matt. When I told them it had been slashed, they wanted to know why and I thought I did a careful job of not giving the real reason.
        "I hope it can be restored," Douglas had said and I told him it had been.
        That brought up Uncle Michael and when I said he was my agent, Rich said, "Michael Sanders is your agent? I know artists old enough to be your grandfather who would give their right arm to have him represent them. He is one of the best-known in the country."
        We took a break for the call of nature and then Rich put in the video of the concert. I thought Josh had been looking at me kinda strange when the painting of Matt had been shown and now I knew he was every so often. The concert was long and we took a restroom break again at the intermission. When the second half started, Josh said, "When Rich told me about a video of a high school concert, I tried to think of an excuse to be elsewhere, but those people are great, all of them. The organist is the guy in the painting, isn't he?"
        "Yea, he is," I answered. Before each selection, Larry had done a close-up of the program and when "Yonghon Tongmu" came up, Rich asked about the name. How was I going to get out of this? "It's Korean--at least it's supposed to be--for heart's companion or soulmate," I said. As the piece played I unconsciously started singing "More" when a singable version was playing. I guess I got carried away because I suddenly realized all four of the people in the room were looking at me.
        I stopped singing and when the tape ended, Douglas said, "I don't know an awful lot about music, but that was good. And, Luke, you really seemed to get into that last piece."
        "'More', on which it is based is a kind of theme song for the three families that we call the family--those in the sculpture and the series of paintings."
        "Ok, I'm not going to beat about the bush any longer," Rich said. "Luke, it is very obvious that the painting of Matt is very, very special--you even said it was not for sale and never would be. Then there is an original composition called soulmate. I wish you could have seen your face every time Matt was shown in the video and especially while he was playing that last piece. How off base am I in saying Yonghon Tongmu is none other than Luke Larsen?"
        I could feel my face turning red. As I blushed, Janet laughed and said, "You definitely are a victim of a MGTD".
        "Meaning just what?" Douglas asked.
        "Matthew Greywolf transmitted disease," she laughed, "blushing. Luke told me yesterday that anyone who stayed around Matt long caught the blushing disease."
        "Yes, I am Yonghon Tongmu," I said. "Matt and I are soulmates. Hope that is no problem although I'm not sure I give a damn because if it is, it's your problem."
        "No need to be defensive," Josh said. "Rich and I have been a couple for almost two years now. Lots of gay men and women here."
        "Well, it was a problem for me," Janet said. "I saw this gorgeous hunk on the plane and found out he was coming here and decided he was mine. So it was a problem. He turned me down flat."
        "No problem here. I'm not gay, but I can see if I were I'd go for this Greywolf character. Even I can see he's some handsome dude," Douglas said.
        "Be glad he's not here," I laughed--more out of relief than anything else. "He'd crawl your case for calling him a dude." I looked at my watch and saw it was late and said, "I don't know about the rest of you, but I need my beauty sleep". Soon Douglas, Janet and I were walking across the campus, holding hands as I taught them the words to "More".
        When I got to my room, I brushed my teeth, undressed and slipped into bed. I lay awake for a while wondering just what I had done by outing myself--I had even done it not knowing it. "Luke, Yonghon Tongmu, you're just going to have to realize you love that Korean Lakota so much you can't hide it. Only five more weeks and I'll be with my warrior," I thought and on that thought drifted off to sleep and to dream of being in Matt's arms.

 Matt

         The alarm clock woke me at 7:30. I was confused at first, not knowing where I was, then remembered. I showered, got dressed, and checked out. I found a place nearby for breakfast and, while I was eating, looked at the map. I still had two-and-a-half or three hours to drive, but plenty of time to make the noon deadline.
        I reached the campus of the University of the South at 11:00 and had no difficulty finding where I was to check in. A very pleasant woman welcomed me to the campus and the conference then gave me my room assignment. "You are the youngest participant we have so I have put you in a two-person suite with another young man. He's twenty or twenty-one I think. You're an organist?" I nodded. "So is he, so you'll have something to talk about."
        When I got to the dorm where my suite was located, I grabbed some of my things and went looking for my room. I found it, put my things down to unlock the door and when I opened it, a very blond, tall, very good looking guy was standing in the living area. "You must be Matthew," he said, extending his hand to help with my things. "I am Lucas. Understand we are the young dudes this summer and both organists. I took the room on the left of the bathroom. If you'll give me your key, I'll unlock your door."
        When we got inside, I put my things down and as we shook hands Lucas asked, "Something wrong? You look like you saw a ghost!"
        "It's just that you remind me so much of my best friend it's amazing, and his name is Luke."
        "Maybe we can be best friends too," he laughed. "This is your first time here, right?" I nodded. "I've been coming for three years. Started when I was eighteen. That's your age, right?" I nodded again, still in something of a state of shock over how much he reminded me of Luke.
        Recovering somewhat, I said, "Man, I can't get over how much you remind me of Luke. Anyway, since you've been here before, maybe you can teach me the ropes."
        "Not much to it. That is, unless you get upset over being called the baby organist. Some of the older folks get a kick out of that. You know, 'Young buck doesn't know shit' implied, but never said. This is Sewanee you know, the University of Southern Gentlemen and Ladies. Well, I'll let you get unpacked. Guess you were told there's a reception at 7:00 with dinner at 7:30 and it's coat and tie--every night. This is Sewanee, you know. And you will hear that until you are sick of it. But as the two young bucks, maybe we can find a way to have some fun. Glad you're here."
        "Me, too," I said as he turned to leave.
        I called Mom and Dad to let them know I was safe and heard about Millie. I was really pleased to learn Jason and Eugene had met and were hitting it off so well. That finished, I unpacked and put my things away. I took out a photograph of Luke--it was one of him standing beside his painting of me--and put it on the window ledge by my bed--probably not a good idea if someone saw it, but I didn't care. I looked at the photograph a long time before I showered--how I missed Luke's being with me, playing in the shower, washing and drying my hair, loving me--and left my hair loose when I had dried it, then dressed. When there was a knock on my door, I saw the time was 6:40. "Come in, it's open."
        Lucas stepped into the room and this time I was prepared. On second look, he didn't look all that much like Luke--just very blond with a mop of curly hair. He, as Luke, was built well but definitely not Luke. "Ready to go and meet the old boys?" he asked.
        We walked across campus--it was so British I expected to see a Beefeater or some such--as the quarter-before-the-hour chimes sounded.
        The reception was noisy, especially in light of the fact that there were less than a hundred people present. When we walked in Lucas said, "I'll get your drink and you get food. Don't have a problem with alcohol do you?"
        "No, but I don't usually drink. Just wine occasionally."
        Lucas came back with two short glasses with something and ice. "You're in Tennessee now, Matt, so you have to at least try Jack Daniels."
        I took the glass, raised it and said, "Here's to Millie".
        Lucas tapped my glass with his and said, "There's a story there".
        I laughed, "One hell of a story." To tell the truth, I drank some of the sour mash and water, but didn't really like it. Anyway, we snacked a bit, but there wasn't a great deal of time before dinner was announced and I put the glass down, still half full, and thought, "Millie would kick my butt".
        There was a sizeable gathering for dinner. There were place cards and I guess someone decided to put the "young bucks" together because Lucas and I were at the same table. There was wine and, since no one asked my age, I enjoyed it with my dinner, recalling the great times the family had wine together.
        After dinner, the vice chancellor of the university welcomed us and turned things over to Dr. Camp, head of the summer's music programs--there were several including one for high school students. After his welcoming remarks, he said, "This is Sewanee, you know, and we have traditions. Well, you know what everyone says, 'Do it twice at Sewanee and you establish a new tradition'. But there is one of much longer standing among this group--at least among the organists in this group--and that is recognition of the baby organist. Lucas Garrett, stand up." Lucas looked a little puzzled, looked at me and stood up. "Lucas has been baby organist for three straight years but even organists grow up. Lucas, you are now retired as baby organist."
        Everyone applauded and cheered. Lucas bowed and sat down. "We have a new baby organist this year. Matthew--I must confess, I called his father last week to find out what to do with his middle name, well, actually names--and still forgot so I called him back and recorded it. Probably will still butcher it but, anyway, the new baby organist is Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf. Stand up Matthew."
        I stood and started to sit down when Dr. Camp said, "No, no. I'm not finished. Now you all have heard 'Small stature, large organ'." The place cracked up and got worse as I turned redder and redder. "Well, we all know that's not really true and Matt's not small, but St. Mary's--where he is organist--is pretty small, a middle-sized parish, but it has a big organ. You'll learn more about that later." I was still standing and still very, very red. "I think one of the reasons you old organists designate a baby organist is because you know you'll have someone to pick on who isn't quite as good as you are. Wouldn't be making too many plans in that direction this summer. Matt, a quick quiz and I want quick answers. You get a call Sunday night saying the Bishop is paying a surprise visit. What's your music?"
        I decided I would have some fun too. "How hot was my Saturday date and when did I get home?"
        "As hot as you like and you slipped in after 2:00."
        "Prelude, 'Sheep May Safely Graze', offertory, 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring', postlude, 'Gig Fugue'. But if I hadn't been lucky and the date wasn't that hot and I got home at midnight, guess I'd play the 'Toccata and Fugue' for the prelude. It seems very appropriate for a Bishop's surprise visit since it was the theme for 'Dracula' and we all know why Bishops pay surprise visits." To say I won an audience would put it mildly! The whole place went wild.
        "You need to keep Mr. Greywolf's responses in mind, ladies and gentlemen, when you decide to give the baby organist a hard time. Well, it's 8:00 and as you know, we always open with some sort of concert. That's a tradition. But this year it has a new dimension. Guess you might think I'm a cheapskate--you can let me know afterward--but there's not a live concert tonight. Well, there may be a bit of live stuff later, but the official opening concert is a video tape." Groans all over the room. "Save your groans until later. It took a bit of doing, but I have a video all of you--regardless of your instrument--performer, choir people and directors will appreciate. If not, we'll have a live concert before the week's over. Ok?" Well, what could we say?
        "This better be good," Lucas said. "It's definitely not the tradition."
        "I could have seen a video at home," I said, very disappointed. While we were talking, a screen came down at one end of the room and a video projector dropped from the ceiling in the middle of the room. "Lucas, look at those speakers! There's speakers there to handle just about anything."
        "You're damn right. If the music's any good, it should sound great."
        The lights dimmed and the video started. "Holy shit!" I practically shouted. It was the video of THE concert!
        Larry had opened the video very simply by showing the front of the program. Someone in the darkness said, "Edward Camp, your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower--for inflicting a high school concert on us!"
        Lucas said, "Matt, did you know about this?"
        "Shit no!" I was learning to be a foul mouth quickly. "Man am I in for a rough four weeks! These guys will eat me alive!" The program slowly opened, the first selection was highlighted and the concert began. I wanted to crawl under the table.
        About the middle of the first selection, the woman sitting on the other side of me leaned over and said, "I think there is a whole room full of people saying 'holy shit' under their breath right now and I know the guy grousing about high school concerts would like to slip out. This is unbelievable." Lucas was pounding my arm and bouncing up and down with excitement. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all!
        As the highlighted name of the second selection faded and the music started, there was an audible intake of breath. I couldn't believe how these people were reacting. They were professionals for the most part and we were just three high school groups performing. I was surprised myself at the video because I was seeing and hearing it with fresh eyes.
        When it came time for the intermission, the lights came up and Dr. Camp said, "Well, it's just a high school concert; some of you must be tired because of a long trip--or age--so we'll just stop it here".
        "Like hell you will!" It was the guy who had made the comment about high school concerts. "We're taking a ten-minute intermission and coming back." There was loud agreement and Dr. Camp laughed.
        I was ready for a piss and, as I stood, Lucas said, "This way or you'll be trapped". He quickly led me down a hall and into a restroom. As I was pissing he said, "Uncut".
        "Hair and cock," I replied. "My dad's doing." Checking another man out is common practice we all know, but you're supposed to pretend you're not. That's the man's rule so I was surprised, but I had been surprised all evening.
        While I was still at the urinal, Dr. Camp came in. "Hope you're not too upset, Matt, but when I heard your compositions on "Performance Today", I called Millie--who is an old friend--and when I learned a video had been made, asked about getting it. She had me call a fellow named Larry, I believe"--he looked at me and I nodded--"and he said he had one with excellent sound and he would send a copy. I could use it provided you didn't say no. Well, I learned long ago, if you don't ask, no-one will refuse you. How is the old bird, Millie, I mean."
        I told him what I had just learned this afternoon and he started laughing when I told him she had fallen in the river while skipping rock. "Some things never change and Millie is one of them." He was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. "The tales I could tell you about Millie! Well, we better get back to this terrible high school concert."
        When the video was over, people were all over me. It was downright embarrassing--and very enjoyable! After thirty minutes of listening to people and answering questions, I was worn out. Lucas finally said, "It's time to put baby organists to bed. Sorry folks."
        An old fellow was standing near and said, "I'm the grand-daddy organist, Son, and if I am still up, a baby organist still has some juice left. I want to see the kid in action. Edward told me about the video last week and I insisted on sampling it. Just heard the first piece because I didn't want to spoil this evening. I did tell him to get something in here for you to play and there it is. In one corner of the room was a Rodgers, just like mine. That accounted for some of the speakers placed around the room. "You gotta play for this old man."
        "'Sheep May Safely Graze', maybe?"
        "Yea, then something exciting. Keeps the old ticker going."
        Good thing I memorize music because so far as I could see there was none to be had. Of course, I could do "Sheep" in my sleep but, when I finished, I opened the organ up and did the Widor. "Think that might hold you?" I smiled at the old fellow.
        He really was old and walked with a slight limp as he came over to the organ. When I slid off the bench, he hugged me to himself and said, "I have dreamed of this day, Matt. I really have."
        "Thank you Mr.--I don't know your name."
        "Woods, George Woods, but call me Woody. All my friends do and I hope we will be friends."
        Lucas and I were finally able to go to our suite and as we walked across campus he said, "You know you have a wonderful talent, don't you? And your technique is unbelievable. You are a great organist, Matt. At eighteen you are great. And I bet Woody takes you on to mentor. Hope he does." We talked more about music and organs as we walked.
        When we reached the dorm, I asked, "Any place around here I can get and send e-mail?"
        "There are computers off the lounge on the second floor where our suite is. You want to send some tonight?"
        "Got to," I said.
        I went upstairs, took off the coat and tie and went to find the computers. I wrote a long e-mail telling everyone of the events of the evening and telling Eugene he was in my thoughts and prayers as his days in court approached. I also told him I was glad he got to meet Jason and to hug Larry and Millie for me. I just added a postscript to that for Mom and Dad and thanked them for letting me take organ from Millie.
        Of course I wrote Luke an additional letter. I had told him about Lucas and had written, "Man, if anyone had designed a tempter, the only thing they would have added to Lucas would be to make him gay!" I had second thoughts about what I had written, saying to myself, "That's true, Luke Babe, but you don't need to hear that." But I typed it again. I didn't want to deceive Luke at all. Then I wrote, "But I'm yours, all the way, all the time." I made sure he knew that I was his and I loved him more than life itself and I missed him like crazy. "Yonghon Tongmu, right now I'd give up sex if I could just have you with me." And I poured my heart out to the only man in the world for me.
        I sent the e-mail, went to my room, undressed and slid into bed. What a day this had been! The only thing which could have made it more perfect was to have shared it with Luke. I had much to give thanks for as I reflected before falling asleep at the end of the first day of six weeks without Luke's arms around me. But he did hold me in my dreams.
        
 Part Forty-seven

 Eugene
           
         I was somewhat startled when an unfamiliar voice called "Little Brother, we better get moving or our Mama will have our asses". It took me a while to realize what was going on. It was Jason standing over me in a robe, smiling, who spoke.
        "Oh, how right you are. Damn! I was supposed to be up and go with Larry and Jacob--a friend--to Lexington this morning. Shit!"
        "Maybe that note on his pillow will help," Jason said as he sat on the edge of the bed.
        I picked up the note and read, "My wonderful Sleeping Beauty, I know you and Jason were up most of the night, so I got up and Jacob and I are going to Lexington. I'm taking your car since you have Millie's. Gene, I am so pleased that you and Jason talked the night away. I'm sure you both feel better about each other and can become good friends--no, close brothers. I love you now and always, Lar."
        I handed the note to Jason and when he read it, he said, "I have so much I want to learn about you and your friends. If I hadn't been such as ass, I could have been a part of so much that I have missed."
        "Jason, Larry and I have been in therapy since your mom..."
        "Mom, our mom..."
        "Our mom... took me in. It has helped a lot and we both have learned so much, but I think the most important thing we have learned is to let go of the past, especially the guilt and anger. It's been hard for Larry--letting go of guilt, I mean--and letting go of rage and anger is hard, still hard, for me. But the past is the past--can't be changed, but sure can fuck up the present and the future."
        "Maybe after we get ready and see Mom, we can talk about all that's been going on."
        "Sure thing."
        "Well, shower and get dressed. Anthony has breakfast almost ready. Then we're all off to see Millie of the Skipping Stones."
        Mom was delighted to see us, of course. "Where have you three been? It's almost noon. I even got out of bed for you and you weren't here."
        "I'm afraid I couldn't get those two out of bed for anything," Anthony laughed. "Don't think they ever actually went to bed last night."
        "Actually we didn't," I said. "It was this morning before we called it a night."
        "What about Larry and Jacob? Eugene, I hope you didn't screw them up. And, Jason, did you find out what a pouty, childish ass you have been by not coming sooner?" Millie was on a roll.
        "Larry took Eugene's car to get himself and Jacob to Lexington," Jason said, "and, yes, I had already decided I have been a jerk--and Anthony made sure I meant it when I told him that. That's why Eugene and I were up all night."
        "Good. I hope you don't think you had me fooled with your lame excuses. How long are you staying?"
        "Anthony and I talked before Eugene got up, and called the office. Edith assured us she could keep the office going a month if necessary, so we'll be here until you're home and settled. I will stay until Eugene's ordeal with the trial is over. To tell the truth, Edith can run the office very well without me--or Anthony."
        "Fine. I'll be leaving day after tomorrow. Started walking a bit this morning. Amazing what new parts can do."
        We stayed about an hour, at one point guarding Millie while she used a walker to move around the room a bit, then started back home. On the way, Jason commented on what had been done to the "dump" on the street where Millie lived and I suggested we take a closer look, knowing Uncle Michael would welcome a visit. After the grand tour--the renovations were almost complete--Uncle Michael suggested we also go to the hospitality house, especially to see Luke's sculpture. When we finished, it was mid-afternoon so we had lunch at a Greek place Michael had told us about, then went back to spend some time with Millie. By the time we got home, it was five and Larry was back. Mr. Greentree insisted he leave early after he heard what had happened.
        I suggested we pack a picnic and go to the falls and talk. After the picnic was ready, we drove out to the country, stopped at the Greywolf's to thank them for picking up Jason and Anthony and tell them we were going to the falls to talk. "Not a better place in the world for that," Yong Jin said, then asked if I had read Luke's and Matt's e-mails. I hadn't even thought to check, so she handed me copies of both and I took them to the falls.
        While Larry and I read the letters, Jason and Anthony got the picnic ready. As we sat down to eat, Larry said, "It doesn't take much reading between the lines to see that Matt and Luke have their hands full. Both worried about being unfaithful, and Luke has a woman with the hots for him and Matt is sharing a suite with a Luke look-alike and almost-namesake. Wow!"
        "Do you think a woman would be tempting to you?" Anthony asked. "I mean you're gay and know you're gay and are very much out."
        "You know, at first thought I would say no, but as hard as I tried to deny being gay for so long, I wonder if I might start thinking something like, 'Well, I know I like Eugene and that makes me gay, but am I really? Maybe I need to try being with a woman and see.' But, no, I have never thought about it--don't think I could ever really think about it. Then, when I recall what I did trying to prove I wasn't gay, and if I were separated from Eugene for six weeks and was as horny as hell, I honestly don't know. Don't think I'd follow through, but then I've never had a woman all over me. Then, too, knowing Luke, I'm sure that what he has written is only part of the story. If he says she's after his bod, you can believe she is really after it."
        "Matt's a different case--I don't mean about being interested in a woman, but ... Well," I said, "Matt has always worried he would cheat on Luke. As we all know--in the words of Michael--Matt is hot to trot and makes no bones about it--boner yes, bones no. I know one thing, they have talked about being tempted and it sure looks as if someone has taken them at their word."
        "Well, let's eat. Nothing we can do about their struggle," Jason said. We dug in while Larry talked about what he had done his first day as a audio/video intern. "You must be proud your video was played at the music conference at Sewanee. Now you get credit for doing it because you can bet it will be talked about all over the country."
        "I must confess, I wasn't made to feel humble when I was asked about it by Dr. Camp or by Matt's description of its reception--not at all. Since all the copyright stuff--there was little--was cleared before it was broadcast, the tapes can be sold and Mr. Greentree told me today I have all rights to their sale and can use the duplication equipment at the studio. Now if the people of Sewanee will just get carried away and order tapes...."
        "To receive your video, just call the toll-free number at the bottom of your screen. Have your credit card ready and the tape will be rushed to you for not $59.99, not $49.99, but only $39.99. And if you call in the next five minutes, we'll include, absolutely free, a CD of the two original compositions from the concert. But hurry, this offer will not be repeated more than a zillion times!" We were all actually rolling on the ground at Anthony's imitation of all those special TV offers. "Actually, I have a guy in the business who could handle that for you--I don't mean the TV ads, but the orders and shipping, credit card transactions and all. I'll give him a call if you like."
        "Sounds good to me. Just in case there are requests, Mr. Greentree showed me how to operate the duplication equipment and we turned out ten copies today."
        "Well, you know the fine print at the bottom of those ads: 'Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery'. Looks like we may have something here."
        "I don't want to be pushy or prying, but Eugene got on my case about carrying guilt around this morning..." Jason started.
        "He would. He's very good at that," Larry said as he smiled, leaned over and kissed me.
        "You two seem to be much into kissing," Anthony laughed.
        "Recommend it highly," I said. "Actually, it seems to be a major habit among the Fellowship which I, for one, have no intention of breaking!"
        "The Fellowship?" Jason asked.
        "Another thing you need to know about," I said. "And why I had problems with anger and rage and a whole lot of stuff. Where to start?" Well, for the next couple hours--the sun was setting when we left--we told Jason and Anthony about the Fellowship, how the concert came to be, what was going on this summer--with all that led up to my having to be in Lexington--without really talking about Larry and me. Yea, if you work at it, you can skate past the bad part.
        Finally Larry said, "Ok, you can see why Eugene has a problem controlling his anger and rage at times, but it has seldom been focused in the wrong place as Danny's, Jake's and Buddy's has. You need to know about my guilt--which I usually manage to put behind me--because it's why I love Eugene more than I can ever tell him." He then told about how he had raped me trying to prove he wasn't gay.
        "Larry, if a man loves you enough to forgive that, you better hang on to him. He's a very special guy. I don't care how much you love him now, it would sure take something to forgive that. I'm not sure I would have been able to forgive Jason. No wonder the two of you are in therapy and, thank God, it's apparently working. It's amazing," Anthony said.
        "I'm not sure I would be man enough to ever forgive someone who raped me, Jason added."
        "You would if you loved someone as much as I loved Larry and if he had returned that love and made your hellish life complete the way he had made mine," I replied.
        "I see what Yong Jin meant about this being a special place for talking. Thanks, Brother, I'll never call you little again," Jason said. "Now I suspect we better get our things together and tuck Mom in or she'll beat our be-hinds!"
        We did just that and when Larry and I went to bed, we made beautiful, gentle love. "Eugene," he said as he lay in my arms in the afterglow of perfect love making, "see why I have difficulty with guilt? Anthony, who has been Jason's soulmate for years, says he would have a hard time forgiving that kind of attack from Jason. And, to be honest, I would too--if I ever could. You are special, Gene, my very special soulmate." He kissed me gently--I'm sure glad the Fellowship and, most of all, Larry and I--is into kissing, I love it! Soon we were asleep in each other's arms--after the very unromantic task of setting the alarm clock so Larry could drive to Lexington in the morning. He said he would drive back and forth until I had to go and stay--which, so far as I knew, was still Wednesday. I noticed on the news that the day had been spent selecting a jury and the defense team had said it would have an important announcement Tuesday noon, after the morning session of court recessed.
        Well! The announcement got the defense lawyer a dressing down by the judge! He announced that the defense would show that, as a gay man, I had willingly submitted to McBride's advances and that I had been purchased as a "boy sex toy" by a prominent Concord matron for her gay son. The judge was furious. He made it very clear that even if both statements were true, they had nothing to do with the case. "This case is about producing and distributing child pornography," he had fairly shouted when court resumed in the afternoon. "Fortunately you made this statement before the jury has been selected and I will personally question each juror concerning what you have said publicly. Even if Mr. Willingham had submitted to advances, he was underage and could not give consent. And even if he had been purchased as a sex toy in the last year, it would have nothing to do with this case. I ask you why these issues weren't brought up when the defendant was charged with child sexual abuse? Not that it would have made any difference, but it would have, maybe, seemed to have some connection with that case. If you so much as breathe a word like this again to the press, or in this courtroom, I'll hold you in contempt and charge you before the ethics committee. Do you understand me?" The lawyer, it was reported, only nodded.
        When Jason saw the news, he called his and Millie's lawyers and asked them to file lawsuits against the lawyer immediately. "Eugene, you have been libeled and I intend to make the bastard pay," he said.
        Needless to say, when we went to the hospital Tuesday night, Millie was fit to be tied. "I want that lying bastard to realize he has raised the ire of a mother over her sons."
        I packed for a few days' stay in Lexington, and Larry and I planned to get to bed a bit early. He was pretty tired from having to get up and drive to Lexington the last two mornings and not getting to bed until late. When I was packed, I fixed Anthony and Jason a JD and branch, grabbed a couple sodas for me and Larry, and the four of us went upstairs and talked about the events of the day. Jason explained that the defense lawyer had risked making untrue public statements in the hope of swaying a jury and it had backfired. "Millie says all three of us need to file suits and that is being done."
        "More time in court," Eugene sighed.
        "I doubt it," Anthony said. "If the lawyer is as smart as I think he is--although he was a perfect damn fool in what he did--he'll settle out of court. Anything Millie gets goes to the hospice, and anything Jason might get we have decided goes to a home for abused boys that he and I have been supporting for years. You, of course, will probably want to keep yours."
        "Actually, I have scholarships to Oberlin and Millie has settled an allowance on me, so I don't really need it. Damn, I can't believe those words. For years my father gave me as little as possible--and that usually after a beating--and now I have more than I need. But I would like to help take care of my sister." I had to tell Anthony and Jason that story. "And while he'll fuss, I'll take the rest and put it in a fund to help Larry." Larry started to fuss when Anthony asked, "Larry, just how long do you plan to stay with Eugene?"
        "At least until I am dead," Larry answered.
        "Then you need to realize that his good times and his bad times are yours as well. You'll help him over rough spots with what you have, he happens to have money to help you over one. You're in this thing called life together or you're not." That ended that discussion.
        We all finished our drinks and Larry and I had a time in the jacuzzi and then went to bed, snuggled together, and he was asleep in minutes. It took me a while longer to escape into dream time.

 Michael

         If I wondered what I had gotten myself into last night, my wondering was doubled when at 5:30 someone knocked on my cell door. "Praise the Lord, Christ is risen!" a voice outside the door called.
        Fortunately, I remembered and responded, "He is risen indeed!" and, under my breath, said, "But I'm not!" I wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. After all, I had slept less than six hours and I never got up before God unless I had school or something, and Millie was sure God didn't get up until 10:00. Nonetheless, I dragged myself out of bed, went down the hall to the bathroom and washed my face, brushed my teeth and combed my hair.
        I went back to my room, slipped into my cassock and headed for the chapel. I must confess, I was half asleep throughout Mass and heard little that was said. Breakfast was eaten in silence, of course, while a monk read. I didn't hear him either. After breakfast, I returned to my cell, got my toiletries and went to the bathroom to shower and shave. After I lathered my face, I thought better of it and decided I'd not shave while I was here.
        I had just dressed when a monk came and said Father Abbot would see me. We talked for an hour. He wanted to know exactly why I had decided to spend a month with monks, what I expected to accomplish while I was with them, that sort of thing. I explained the best I could, admitting my own confusion. At one point he asked, "You say you are considering the priesthood, but not the religious life?" I really didn't know what he meant and said so. "You are not considering becoming a monk."
        "Hardly! I'm having enough trouble with the woman I intend to marry without that!"
        Father Abbot laughed. "Well, Michael, I think you are a bit young to be talking about marriage."
        The "you're too young" song and dance had gotten old, very old, and I told Father Abbot so--in no uncertain terms. "I see you have a bit of a temper," he said.
        "Only when things I hold sacred are trampled on," I responded, still hot under the collar. "And this 'you're too young' bit tramples on a love and a commitment I hold very sacred."
        "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend, but you are talking about a life-long commitment and you're only sixteen. I am over four times as old as you and know that things look very different at 65 than at 16."
        "I find it interesting that you are perfectly willing to have me spend a month considering whether or not to become a priest and think that's perfectly all right--and I think I am correct that becoming a priest involves a life-time commitment--but a decision about marriage is out of the question because I'm too young."
        The Abbot laughed and said, "You nailed me on that one! I think we'll have an interesting month together. Well, about your stay here. You know the drill, right?" I nodded. "Then I needn't go into it. Our life revolves around work, study and prayer. The times of corporate prayer--services--you already know. You have time for private prayer..."
        "I'm not sure I know how you want me to pray," I said. "I have never been one to do the 'kneel beside your bed' kind of praying, if you know what I mean."
        "I think I do. You pray any way you find fits. I was never one to put much stock in teaching people how to pray. For me, it's just kind of natural and I think it is for most people, even those who don't think they are praying. I once knew a Methodist cleric who said all of life is about meditation, contemplation and prayer. Now his definitions of those were not what you'd find in a book on spirituality or what you'd hear from most monks. But I think he was right."
        "Contemplation, for him, answered the question, 'Who am I?' I suspect that's one of the things you'll be sorting out while you are here. I hope it is. As you answer that question--it's the hardest and the one which has a different answer just about every day unless you are dead, and I'm not talking about in-the-grave dead but walking-around dead--you are faced with 'What do I?' Call it lifestyle if you find that helpful. That's doing. If I am who I am, what do I do? You still with me?"
        "I think so."
        "Well, before you do, you do a lot of praying--I don't mean the usual. You think and evaluate and think again about how you do what you are; how you be an authentic person. That's prayer. And in that thinking and evaluating and struggling with how you be an authentic person, you just naturally express gratitude and repentance. Just naturally. I'm convinced that the religious person is concerned with only one thing and that is how to be fully, authentically human. Earning heaven and avoiding hell is, for me at least, a matter of no concern whatsoever. I don't even care if they exist or not. I just want to be the most fully human, most authentic, person I can be. Make sense?"
        "Yea. It's about what Matt does before he goes to sleep--he thinks over the day, giving thanks for all the things which have made his life full, and expressing sorrow for all the things he has done or left undone which have made it less full and for the times he has hurt others. Yea, it makes sense. I like that."
        "Well, if you'd like to work with someone who does believe in a more formal approach, I'll arrange it."
        "Not where I think I need to spend time."
        "Where do you think you need to spend time?"
        "Can I be honest?"
        "Well, you'll do no good spending time here unless you are."
        "Not long ago I asked my brother if he thought I was a religious person. We talked about that and he finally said, 'No, I don't think you are a religious person. Are you a spirit man? Definitely.' Well, what he said made a lot of sense. I think at this point, that's where I'm stuck in deciding about the priesthood. I mean, if a priest has to be a religious person, then I may as well go home now. If it requires a spirit person, then I have to struggle with whether or not that's how I want to be a spirit man."
        "Not a spiritual man?"
        "Not if being spiritual means living outside the real world." I smiled and said, "I think I'm right that some Jewish guy said something about living in the world, but not being of it. That's what I think I am about and need to understand."
        "I understand. And when you think about being a spirit man, you can forget I used the term religious person because when I use it I mean what you call a spirit man. I like that. Are you sure you're just sixteen?" the Abbot asked and, when I looked up, he had a smile on his face and that made me smile. "Michael, I think you're going to be a breath of fresh air around here this month. Brother Gregory will take you in tow and show you the ropes, but I want to spend time with you. Right now it's time to do morning work and I think you have been assigned to the kitchen for the present. When you get back to your cell, I want you to do some writing--whatever you wish and need to write, but also write out what you would call your spirit journey. Start where you wish and end with your decision to come here. No one will read it--unless you ask--but I want you to put it on paper so it will be fresh in your mind. Beginning tomorrow, we'll spend an hour a day together and you tell me about your spirit journey."
        "Thanks, Father," I said as I stood.
        "That's why I'm here," he said as he laid a hand on my head. "Michael, you're special. I hope you know that and I wish I could say your time on earth will be easy, but I'm afraid not. But, my son, you will lead an exciting life."
        I found the structure and schedule of the abbey comforting. I didn't have to worry about anything, which freed my mind and my spirit to think and search. My sessions with the Abbot started with me talking about my life--the first session I just talked, but then asked that he read what I had written before I came to see him so he'd better understand me and my struggle. We talked about everything--my mother's illness and death, Luke's attempted suicide, discovering Mary Kathryn loved me, the books Fr. Tom had suggested I read--everything. I worked in the kitchen and in the garden, loved the services and spent a lot of time thinking and, in my version, praying.
        Toward the end of the second week, I was talking with the Abbot about my relationship with Mary Kathryn, and before I knew it I had told him about our love-making and the difficulty we had not crossing the line we had, to that point, set for ourselves. "Doesn't sound very priestly, does it?"
        "Michael, a man I loved and respected very much is now, I fear, a neglected theologian. He died at an early age--45--and because what he wrote was controversial, it was just ignored after his death. Too many people--and far too many priests--think theology is something you learn, that it's all in books. You know some of those books, Fr. Tom had you reading them--and you do need to know the thinking of the church in the past--but theology is living and breathing or it kills. Anyway, Terry was a great theologian. Since he often wrote about sex, a little old lady came up to him once and said, 'Father, I think you are a dirty old man!' and--this is true--whopped him with her umbrella. He looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Madam, every theologian is a dirty old man, even if she's a young woman!' His point, as I am sure you know, was that theology had to deal with the nitty-gritty issues of human life. So your lustiness sounds as though you have made a start toward becoming a theologian. And, as an aside, I guess I just took away another excuse for why you should not consider the priesthood."
        I wrote the Fellowship every third day what was going on in some detail--what I was doing, but mostly what I was thinking. Of course, I wrote Mary Kathryn a special letter each time, telling her how I missed and loved her. I had written her about the Abbot's talking about prayer, and the definition of a theologian as a dirty old man.
        I was well into the third week when I lay on my bed--it didn't seem as hard any more--thinking about my time at the Abbey when I realized the question of going into the priesthood had not been raised by the Abbot, and I hadn't given it any thought after our first conversation. Interesting!

 Matt

         I got up before Lucas and showered, and was sitting in my room braiding my hair when he came from the bathroom, a towel around his neck and nothing else. I took one look and said to myself, "He's definitely not Luke." Luke was absolutely smooth and this guy was covered with blond hair--I was to learn to hate it because he never cleaned the shower and shed like a dog.
        "Last night was great," he said, standing in the door. "You sure put some old farts on alert as to what they have to do."
        "I had nothing to do with it," I answered. "I was as surprised as you."
        He was looking around the room and spotted the picture by my bed, walked over and picked it up. "Interesting photo. Who's the guy?"
        "Luke, my best friend," I responded.
        "Great picture he's standing beside. He must think you're special."
        "I hope so. He's special."
        Lucas raised an eyebrow, but I said nothing more. "Well, I better get dressed if we are to make breakfast."
        "Getting dressed might be a good idea. It's Sewanee you know," I said and laughed.
        After breakfast, we had a gathering to talk about what we wanted to do during the program. There were many offerings and we were told that, so long as the leaders were willing to hold one, there was no minimum number for a workshop. As I was looking over the offerings, Dr. Camp came by and said, "Matt, Woody would like to talk with you about what he thinks you should do, kinda be your mentor since you are new to the program".
        I walked across the room to where Mr. Woods was seated. "Good morning, Mr. Woods," I said.
        "Please call me Woody. I know I'm one of the old farts, but I'd like for us just to be friends. Equals, although at my best I was never your equal as an organist. I told Edward I'd like to take you under my wing if you are willing. I think I can help you get the maximum out of the program, but what did you have in mind?"
        I told him I expected just to have organ lessons and hadn't realized there were other possibilities.
        "Why do you think you need lessons?" he asked.
        "Mainly I need someone who can help me with my footwork. I am not satisfied with it. Also, now that I see they are available, I'd like to get into one of the composition workshops. I know I have a very long way to go there."
        "Improvisation?"
        "Pretty weak there, too."
        "I'd like you to do a workshop dealing with church music--especially one dealing with some new thinking about liturgical music--playing, looking at some of the newer stuff and composing."
        "Wow! I hadn't expected so much--so many possibilities I mean." We looked over the offered workshops and laid out a plan for the four weeks. We also picked out other options should a workshop not be given. With Woody's help, I had my plan done long before the others and got what I wanted--four sessions: organ lessons, composition, improvisation, and organ history and building. Since we were finished, we sat and talked. I asked Woody about his career.
        "I'm a priest," he said. "When I was ordained, a large parish took me on as an assistant with the understanding I would also serve part-time as an organist. They had an organist who wanted to be part-time as well so it worked out fine. I preached and celebrated every other week and was organist on the other Sundays. I was wearing two hats and loved it. I met and married a wonderful woman while I was in that parish and we stayed for six years after we were married. We expected to start our family there, but that was not to be--there or anywhere else."
        "In my new position, I was rector of a middle-sized parish--like St. Mary's I guess--and the organ went by the wayside. Although when I had had it with some bull going on in the parish, I'd go into the church and play. I also played every chance I got, but it was not often enough. I really missed the organ and longed for another position like my first but once you've been a rector, places assume there's something wrong with you if you want to be an assistant. In the meantime, Alexandria, my wife, decided she would study for the priesthood and, when she was ordained, we found a parish in Ohio that was happy to have a priest and organist package. Didn't learn to like the weather, loved the parish. I took on students and, when I was asked to supply in parishes, always had someone good enough to play for a service or two. It was an ideal situation."
        "We were there for ten wonderful years then Alexandria became very ill. I had an opportunity to take early retirement and did, because we knew she wouldn't live very long. Got a motor home and traveled, stopping when she needed to. A year after we started our trip, I found her dead beside me when I woke up one morning. I moped around awhile and then realized I was wasting precious life, and looked around for something to do. Found a small parish which was about to close because it didn't have a priest or money to pay one. I took it on for use of the rectory. Been there ever since. Am here for the summer program while a priest who wants a break takes over the parish, play when I get a chance, and hold down the parish with the help of the laity. Also have students still. They play for most of the services but, if not, I priest awhile and play awhile. Kinda one man band. Still hate Ohio winters, but being near Oberlin for concerts helps make up for it."
        "You're near Oberlin?" I asked excitedly. "I'll be there next year. In fact Paula and Eugene are going as well. Two of our other friends are going also." I then told Woody about how we got the scholarships without explaining all the details. In other words, I didn't explain the relationships among the five.
        "I'll keep that in mind. Think I might find a place for you to play if you're interested. Maybe a place for the other two as well. Well, back to your program. I just thought of something. I've got you signed up for an excellent teacher so far as your footwork is concerned, but I'd like to spend some time with you while you practice. He can show you things I can't because of my damn gimpy leg, but I can observe and correct while you're practicing. I mean, if you'd like.
        "I'd appreciate it, Woody," I said and I meant it.
        When all the plans were turned in, it was lunch time and we were told the committee would go over them and have any changes ready by 2:00--but since mine were turned in early, they were already approved. "Meet back here then and we'll get started."
        Lucas and an older fellow joined us for lunch. "Matt, like you to meet Stinky Mason," Woody said. "Stinky and I were students together at St. Luke's--as the seminary was called back in the Dark Ages."
        "Matt, glad to meet you. See old Woody grabbed you right off the bat. Hoped I might get a chance at corrupting you."
        "Stinky is the best foot man in the organ business," Woody laughed. "Unfortunately, his hand work leaves a lot to be desired. Actually, to be honest, Stinky, I signed him up to work with you because he wanted help with his feet. Told him you were the best and I'd coach him at practice."
        "You've got the best," Lucas said. "Stinky is the best man I know at teaching the pedal clavier and Woody is a damn hard taskmaster. If you learn nothing else these four weeks, you'll be able to dance on the pedals."
        "What else did you get him into, Woody?" Stinky asked. He insisted I call him Stinky and, when I said it made me feel disrespectful, he laughed and said that was my problem, not his.
        We talked about what Woody and I had decided and Lucas said, "Hey, the kid came here to have fun. You guys intend to work him all the time."
        "If he can't find a way to have fun in spite of us, I guess he's not really a Sewanee man," Stinky laughed. "What does next year look like, Matt?" he asked.
        I again repeated the story of how I ended up at Oberlin and Stinky kept nodding. "And the two we saw conducting last night will be there?"
        I assured him they would be. "Along with my best friend who is an artist and another who is studying mass communications, the one responsible for the tape sprung on me last night," I added.
        "I wondered if you really didn't know about that," Stinky said.
        After lunch, I went to the workshop on composition. It was not easy as I was just about completely self-taught and what was being worked on and discussed was not something I knew. I caught on fairly quickly but knew this was going to require real work. The same was true of the second afternoon session, liturgical music. I had played most of what was talked about but never really thought about it much beyond that.
        When the session ended, it was nearly five and dinner was at seven each evening. I started walking back toward the dorm when I heard Lucas call, "Hold up, Matt". When he caught up with me, he asked about the sessions and I told him they were not going to be easy. "Sure they will. It'll just take a bit of time. You swim?" I nodded and he said, "Great. Pool or lake?" I told him river and he asked if I'd like to take a short trip to where he knew a great place to swim--"You'll love it if you love swimming in rivers," he said. "Grab a towel--you skinny dip?" Again I nodded and, as we were coming out of the dorm, he said, "You have a Jeep, right?" I indicated I did and he suggested we take it.
        Sewanee sits atop what is fondly called "God's Holy Mountain". It's not like the mountains I knew at home, but a plateau. The top where the university sits is flat, but go in any direction and soon you encounter a cliff several hundred feet above the valley floor. We drove down a paved road which became a gravel road and then a narrow dirt road. I could see why Lucas suggested the Jeep. When I thought the road could get no worse, Lucas indicated a barely visible trail and we drove down it--slowly--for half a mile. We had been descending the entire way and when he said, "Ok, we stop here," I could see, through the trees, a broad valley stretching out before us and could hear a waterfall.
        We walked a few hundred feet, following a trail barely wide enough for one person, then suddenly walked into a clearing by a waterfall. It was not as beautiful as THE falls but it was nice, and there was a small basin the water spilled into from the falls. "This is it," Lucas said. "Not too many people know about it. My best friend showed it to me when I came up to visit him when he was a student in the college. Well, last one in's a rotten egg!" We both stripped and I was about to dive in when Lucas yelled, "Stop! No diving. There are rocks on the bottom and you don't want a broken neck." We waded in. The water was a lot colder than I expected and, when I commented on it, Lucas told me it came from a cave on the side of the mountain above us. It was cold and so refreshing it reminded me of all the good times I had had at THE falls.
        After half an hour or so, Lucas was completely blue. "You're looking like a Druid, all blue," I laughed. "You blonds get like that. I've seen Luke so blue I wondered if he'd live." I shouldn't have said that because I suddenly had that awful image of Luke after I had dragged him to the waiting hands of the EMS.
        I sat silent for a while and, finally, Lucas said, "You have the strangest, pained look on your face. Something wrong?"
        "Just an unpleasant memory which popped up unexpectedly. I'll be ok."
        We had waded out of the water and were sitting on the bank when I said that. Lucas reached out and put his arm around my shoulder. "Want to talk about it?"
        I shook my head and then after second thoughts said, "Alright," and told him about Luke's attempted suicide--but not the reason. Thank goodness, he didn't ask.
        "This Luke is very important to you," he mused.
        "Yea, he's my brother."
        "Your brother?"
        "Well, yes and no." I then told him about the families and how we all looked at ourselves as a family.
        "So you have two brothers and a sister and three mothers and three fathers. WOW!"
        He kept encouraging me until I had told him the story of the families and what the kids were doing this summer. When I finished, he picked up his watch and said, "We better get a move on or we'll miss dinner."
        "Thanks for a wonderful afternoon, Lucas," I said after we were in the Jeep and headed back up the mountain.
        At dinner, Woody and Stinky joined us again. We were in a smaller dining room than last night and the tables only seated four. "Lucas show you a good time this afternoon?" Stinky asked.
        "Sure did. We drove down the mountain to..."
        "To the river, I bet," Woody finished my sentence. "That's where Stinky got his name. We ditched class one afternoon and walked down there. I had been told about it by a friend who had finished Sewanee the year before. As we were walking back, Stinky encountered a black and white pussy cat and got too close. Took a week before anyone wanted to be around him. Finally a professor told him tomato juice would get rid of the skunk scent. It at least helped. I'm sure the college store thought we were having a tremendous Bloody Mary party!" Both men were dying laughing. "It's a beautiful spot. Few people know about it and I haven't been in years. Can't handle the walk down the mountain."
        "I have a Jeep so we drove to within a few hundred feet or so. Think you could handle that?"
        "Sure would like to try."
        "First chance we get to go back, you're on!"
        After dinner, Stinky asked if I would like to play some for him. "Want to see just how bad you really are," he said. Soon Woody, Stinky and I were in All Saints Chapel. It was huge compared to St. Mary's, and I expected some organ. Man was I ever disappointed. After playing for a few minutes I said to Stinky, "This organ sucks!"
        "You are not the first to say that. It's a good organ, but the heat means it is out of tune most of the time in the summer. Don't know why they haven't gotten around to air-conditioning the place--if not for the people, at least for the organ. Doesn't make sense."
        After I had played awhile, Woody said, "Matt, you are an organ whore. Know what that is?" I shook my head. "An organ whore is someone who can't keep his knees together. When you reach for the end of the pedals, you spread your knees."
        "My organ teacher started by tying my knees together," Stinky said, "but when he released them again, apart they came. When I was twelve or thirteen, he'd place a dollar bill between my knees. If I finished a lesson and still had the bill, it was mine. There was an ice cream parlor on the way home and I loved chocolate malts, so I'd hang on to that bill and get my malted. Don't know what we can do for you, but we'll work on it."
        When I walked back to the dorm, Lucas was in our common room watching some movie which he stopped when I came in. "You brought a VCR?" I asked.
        "I'm a movie nut. Where I go, the VCR goes," he said. "Wanta watch? It's hot!"
        "Thanks, I don't think so. I need to write some e-mails and work on composition before I go to bed." When I finished the e-mails telling everyone about my day, I reviewed my notes from the liturgical music group and the those from composition. I also had some exercises in composition to do.
        I was so involved in what I was doing that I didn't know when Lucas came down the hall and stopped at my open door. "Hi, how's it going?" he asked.
        "Oh, sorry, didn't know you were there. Not easy, but it's starting to make sense. Come in."
        Lucas walked in and asked, "Can I take a close look at that photograph again?"
        "Sure." He looked at the photo and then at me several times and finally said, "Great painting. Good-looking brother you have too." Then he asked, "Want to take a break for a cold one?"
        "If it's Coke," I said. "I'm not into beer, at least not yet." I stood up, stretched and followed him to the common room. He got a beer and a Coke out of the frig and we sat down.
        "Tell me about that photo. It's fascinating." I told Lucas about the exhibition and that Luke was inspired to do the painting when he saw my hair blowing in the wind as we came from the falls one day. He didn't ask any more questions about it, but did ask, "Was all the exhibition as good as this painting?"
        "I guess that is in the eye of the beholder," I laughed. "One piece, a montage Luke thought was nothing, sold for a hefty price but, basically, it was all as good as the painting, I think, but I'm prejudiced. He is my brother and best friend."
        "I sure would like to have seen it," Lucas said.
        "Maybe I have the second best thing. I have a video of the exhibition with Michael and Mary Kathryn, another brother and my sister, as docents. Maybe we can watch it one night, but tonight I'm ready to hit the sack."
        I had forgotten our conversation until Thursday, when Stinky and Woody agreed to go to the river with us. After swimming until we were half-frozen, we were all four sitting on the bank in our altogether when Lucas said, "Stinky, Woody, this kid is from a really great family. Talented as shit too. Tell them about the family, Matt."
        I did and, when I finished, Lucas said, "He has a brother--well, not his blood brother--who is an artist. Matt has a photo of him and a painting of Matt he did in his room that is a knockout. Tells me he has a video of an exhibition that was held at the same time as the concert. His other brother and sister are the docents. You old codgers interested?"
        "Sure," Woody answered immediately. "How about we bring a couple bottles of good wine up tomorrow night and have a look?"
        "Think Dr. Camp would be interested?" I asked. "He should have to sit through another video after making you all sit through one."
        "Call him Edward," Stinky said, "but never Ed. He hates that. Actually, he's more into art than either of us--not that I'm not interested, but he will just eat it up. You want to ask him?"
        "Yea."
        "In that case, Woody, better make it three bottles of the good stuff."
        "Not so long as I have JD," Lucas laughed.
        "Well, you're right about that," Stinky said. "Friday night after dinner at your common room."
        "Why not use the big screen?" Woody asked. "It'll not be in use Friday night--you can depend on it. There'll be parties all over the place."
        "Suits me. I'll make arrangements for that," Stinky responded.
        After dinner, Lucas started another movie and I hit the desk to do my work. I was working as hard or harder than I had ever done in school and was loving every minute of it--except when I got stuck and got frustrated, which I was at the moment. I yelled for Lucas, who came running, I suspect thinking I was being attacked or something. When I showed him what I was doing, he laughed and said, "Matt, I couldn't compose a variation on 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. You passed me composing when you were still in diapers, I'm sure. Why don't you hang it up for the night? The world will continue spinning."
        He was right, and I smiled and said, "Thanks for reminding me". I went to the frig and got a Coke and brought him another beer. His movie was just over and, as it finished, he asked about the family again. I went to the room and brought back a small photo album I had put together for the summer. We looked at the pictures and talked for an hour or so. When we had finished, he said, "Four good-looking kids. I mean all four of you are knockouts, and that Mary Kathryn is a real beauty. Bet she has boys all over her."
        I smiled and said, "Only one. She's not called wild woman for nothing. Not only can she put most men in the dirt--and has done so to several--but they would also have to deal with Michael and few want to take him on. Gentle as a lamb except when it comes to fighting injustice and protecting his wild woman."
        "They're a pair?"
        "Last time I heard. They are having a real struggle right now. Michael is giving serious thought to becoming a priest and she wants no part of it. Of course he says he'll never leave her for any reason and she would probably never leave him, but it's a struggle."
        "And they're only sixteen?"
        "Just barely, but you'd never know it listening to them talk. Theirs is definitely not just highschool puppy love." I turned the page and said, "And here's the rest of the gang--The Fellowship of the Rings. You saw Paula and Eugene. That's Larry who did the video. That's Jacob. He and Paula are an item now. This is Bill and Linda. They are in church camp this week along with Mary Kathryn. Michael is in a Benedictine monastery testing his vocation. Larry's doing an internship with the PBS station in Lexington where Jacob is doing construction work this summer. Paula's doing music in a camp for Jewish children with problems. Eugene's involved in a court case as a witness. We're scattered all over the place. And, of course, Luke. Luke's in Sarasota at the Ringling School of Art."
        "The Fellowship of the Rings?" Lucas looked puzzled so I told him about how the Fellowship came to be, except I just said some posters were vandalized. Then he said, "Seems you good-looking guys can't attract women. Seems a bit lopsided in that department."
        "I guess we're all just so close that's never seemed to be a problem." The answer seemed to satisfy him. "Well, I'm off to bed. Just about exhausted myself fretting over those composition exercises. Goodnight."
        "Goodnight, see you in the morning."
        The week which followed had pretty much the same pattern as the previous one. Sessions in the morning and afternoon and then Lucas and I--sometimes with Woody and Stinky--would do something before dinner. One day we tried all the organs we could find, another we drove down the mountain to pick up some things we needed, but mostly just to get away. We swam. After dinner, I worked. I really worked on composition. Lucas kept telling me this was just a summer program and I needed to have fun. In a strange way, wrestling with composition was fun, but I never convinced him.
        Wednesday of the first week, I had begun to have thoughts that Lucas was gay. Thursday morning he came into the bathroom as I finished showering and, while he was pissing, said, "Nice set of equipment you have there. Uncut too. You said that and your hair was because of your father?" I told him Dad was Lakota and wouldn't cut his hair except to trim the ends when they needed it, and refused to allow me to be circumcised. "Good dad," he had said, then added, "You must drive the girls wild." I just gave him a wicked grin and went to my room.
        It didn't matter to me whether Lucas was gay or not, except by Thursday I was missing Luke like crazy and the lust meter was registering pretty near full. I had had a wet dream the night before, one of several I had had if the truth be known, and that in spite of the fact that I had gotten myself off a few times. I learned right away that having had Luke's hand on my man's tool, my own was a piss-poor second best, but it was all I had.
        Friday morning Lucas said he was going home to Nashville for the weekend. "I'm leaving early tomorrow morning. My roommate and I are going to party! Of course, I have to play Sunday, but that's no big deal. I've gotten in more practice here than I probably would have at home. Want to come? I promise you a good time."
        "Sounds good," I said but, by the time I got back to the room, I was having second thoughts. What if I had gotten in over my head?
        After dinner Friday night, we went into the room where the opening dinner had been held. Woody had said at dinner he had invited a bunch of people to see the video of Luke's exhibition. "Hope you don't mind."
        "Of course not," I had said, "but I don't expect anyone else to show up". I was proven wrong because there were twenty or thirty people in the room when we entered.
        Man, the big screen made a huge difference! Everyone was life-size and the sound was perfect. I almost forgot where I was as I watched. Michael and Mary Kathryn were superb. Of course I had thought that before, but I was impressed all over again with the job they did. When Michael started the interview with Luke, I could hardly stand to watch but, at the same time, couldn't take my eyes off my Yonghon Tongmu. I missed him so much!
        When the tape had finished, people were asking all sorts of questions of Woody and he finally said, "You know just about as much as I know. The exhibition was held in conjunction with Matt's concert you heard Monday night. Matt, would you answer questions?"
        "Sure, if I can."
        The first question I had anticipated: "Tell us about the artist and the young man and woman who were docents."
        "They are my brothers and sister. Well, not blood kin, but our three families are so close we called ourselves the family and consider ourselves brothers and sister. The woman is Mary Kathryn Larsen, the artist's--Luke Larsen's--sister. The man is Michael Andrews. And don't get your hopes up, ladies. He belongs to Mary Kathryn and a mother tiger is tame compared to wild woman."
        One older woman laughed and said, "I can surely see why".
        There were few other questions because Michael and Mary Kathryn had done such a great job. Finally a man asked, "What happened to the works not designated. I heard that the sculpture was given to a hospice hospitality house and some of the others were given to individuals, but what of the rest?"
        "Most were sold. Michael's uncle, Michael Sanders, is Luke's agent. I might add, the montage which we all thought was just a fun project, fetched a handsome sum."
        "How about that fantastic painting of you as an Indian? I'd love to get my hands on that," a lady said.
        "Well, first off, it was not entirely me AS an Indian. I am, at least half. My dad is Lakota. Mom, by the way, is half Korean and half American. But the painting was not for sale. However, when the school went to the exhibition the day following its official opening, it was slashed. In an attempt to defend it and the artist from attack, Michael was also slashed and was given up for dead at one point. He did recover and the painting was shipped to New York and restored. It is back with the artist." There were a few more questions and, when it was over, Woody handed me the tape and said, "Like to come to my apartment for a nightcap? I have the wine we didn't have since we came here."
        Lucas, Stinky, Edward and I went to Woody's apartment--he had a really nice one--and he fixed a JD and branch for Edward, then broke open the wine. Just after he had handed us our glasses, the phone rang. He listened for a few minutes and said, "Think that's no problem". He turned toward me and asked, "Matt, got anything against an electronic organ?"
        "That all depends on the organ," I replied.
        Woody talked into the phone, then turned and said, "A Rodgers 950".
        "That's like mine. No problems with that."
        "Problem solved, Bruce. Probably won't be "Sheep" either. He hung up the phone and said, "Sorry to ruin your party weekend, Matt, but you're playing in Chattanooga Sunday."
        "In that case, I better run," Lucas said. "I'm leaving early in the morning 'cause I've been away way too long. Night all."
        The rest of us continued drinking and talking. Actually, I did most of the talking and little of the drinking. It seemed the three wanted to know all there was to know about me. They were very interested in the painting slashing and I managed to get through that without ever saying why it had been slashed. Fortunately they were more interested in the whole shaman thing.
        Saturday, I slept in and didn't even know when Lucas left. When I had gotten up and dressed, I went to hunt food since breakfast was long passed. When I got back, I wrote a super-long general e-mail about the events of the week and a long one to my Luke. I started to mention that I thought I had a gay suite mate, but decided since I wasn't sure, I wouldn't worry Luke, then changed my mind and did write him of my suspicions. He had a right to know, I thought. I had e-mails from all the Fellowship which I read, and then wrote some individual replies before lunch. Well, actually, I got so busy reading and writing e-mail that I missed lunch as I had breakfast, so I went to the student center and grabbed a snack. When I finished it was after two and I still had to find the organ Woody told me I could use for practice. I found it and practiced for two hours.
        Woody had given me the hymns and service music numbers for Sunday and we had selected three pieces for prelude, offertory and postlude. All were familiar, but no "Sheep". When I felt I could handle Sunday, I took a break and walked around the campus a bit, then returned to the organ and started playing the transcription for organ of "Yonghon Tongmu" I had been working on for one of the workshops. I wanted to hear how it sounded. I was so absorbed in what I was doing I didn't hear Woody walk up behind me. I only became aware of him when he started singing "More".
        "Beautiful love song," he said when I turned around.
        "It's the family theme song," I responded.
        He looked at the music on the organ and said, "I see you're taking your time here seriously".
        "And I'm loving it."
        "Well, it's almost seven and I thought you might like to see another special place here on God's Holy Mountain. If you'll drive, I'll provide the food and drink," he said, showing me a picnic basket.
        We drove to a place, pretty remote, where you could sit on the edge of a cliff and overlook the valley below. "Want you to see the sunset from here," Woody said as he unpacked the basket. I told him about Lookout Rock and how you could see both the sunrise and sunset from it.
        We had a leisurely meal and talked of many things. Finally Woody asked, "Matt, tell me more about the concert and exhibition--how did it all come about?
        I explained that the spring concerts had been canceled and I was obligated to do a recital as my grade for an independent study and asked about the chorus and ensemble joining me.
        "Seems to me that was very generous. You could have done the recital and gotten a great ego boost for a good one-man show."
        "But look what an ego boost we all got! Actually, I just wanted to help friends who were being deprived of an opportunity to perform--and perform they did!"
        "Couldn't agree more. But how did the exhibition come about? I don't see the connection."
        "Woody, you're a friend and a priest so I guess I need to tell you the whole story." I told him about Luke's suicide attempt, and why, and all the whole story."
        "So you're gay and you and Luke are lovers. I wondered about that when I saw your face while you were watching the video. And that painting didn't look as if someone was inspired just by hair blowing in the wind. So what is your relationship?"
        I told Woody about our promise to wait, and how we had finally been physically united. "Our relationship is until we are parted by death. We are having a commitment ceremony when we think the time is right. Right now we are separated and I am worried about being unfaithful. It just keeps gnawing at me because I am always ready, if you know what I mean."
        Woody laughed and said, "I think I can remember that far back." He then fell silent and we both just sat, deep in our own thoughts. Finally he said, "Matt, do you know that Lucas is gay?"
        "No, I didn't know, but I have been wondering because of some remarks he has made."
        "I don't want you to get me wrong here. I took Lucas under my wing when he came here the first time, as I have you. I like him a whole lot. He's a good organist, sharp, and a fun person. As I said, I like him a lot. But I have a real problem with his lifestyle and he knows it."
        "You mean his being gay?" I felt my defenses rising.
        "No, I don't mean his being gay. Being gay is a part of who he is, just as being gay is a part of who you are. Being gay is not a lifestyle, it's how you live as a gay man that is your lifestyle. Lucas is a playboy. He loves sex and his motto is 'Variety is the spice of life'. He had a narrow escape a little over a year ago when he took up with a new partner. They had been together a month or two when he told Lucas he was HIV+. Lucas was scared shitless. Fortunately, since he enjoys variety, he does use condoms but, as he said, a couple nights before his partner told Lucas he was HIV+, he had insisted on going 'bareback riding'. Lucas phoned me in Ohio in tears and, as I said, very frightened. Fortunately, when he was tested several months later, he was not positive. That taught him one lesson, but it has not taught him anything else. I know from talking with him that as soon as a partner starts talking about commitment and a long-term monogamous relationship, Lucas skips. He went home today to a new roommate he has been with for a couple months. I think six months with the same guy is his record. And even then he is much into variety and insists on an open relationship. Again, I like the guy and only wish the best for him, but I want you to be warned. He is very seductive, charming, and a playboy. If you were going to be tempted to be unfaithful, you couldn't have been put in a better situation for you to yield. Besides, he sheds like a dog, I am told, and never cleans the shower!" Woody laughed.
        "Thanks, Woody. When he invited me to go to Nashville with him this weekend, I got a very strange feeling after I agreed. Glad I didn't go. But as you said, I like him too. It's just that he will have to understand that I am into commitment--very, very much into commitment--but, man, I do get horny."
        "You're eighteen, Matt."
        When we had finished that conversation, the sunset had started and got more and more beautiful. Both of us just sat in silence enjoying it. At one point I sighed and Woody said, "Wish Luke were here? I wish Alexandria was here. Separation is the pits regardless of its length." When the last rays of the sun disappeared, we went back to the campus and, after I showered, I slipped into bed and dreamed of sharing the sunset with Luke when we were as old as Woody.

 Part Forty-eight

 Mary Kathryn

         On our way to camp, Linda had asked me, "You and Michael ok? I've heard you two were having some problems. Want to talk about it?" I had thought I was glued together well, but suddenly I was in tears and it all came out in a tumble.
        As I talked, Linda put her arm around me and hugged me to herself. When I finally came to a stop, she said, "Look, Girl, you don't have to make a decision right now. You two have the summer to work things through, but I'll tell you one thing: if I were you, I'd fight like a tiger to keep that man. He is something special, very special, one in a million."
        "I know that," I said quietly.
        "Does that mean I'm not?" Bill asked, poking out his lower lip.
        "Hell no, Lover Boy! You are special, very special, but you know what I mean, you big lug."
        Bill smiled at Linda and leaned over and kissed her. "Yea, I know. The more I get to know him, the more respect I have for him. Yea, he's a very special person. In fact, I have learned to respect and to love people in a lot of new ways since becoming a part of the Fellowship."
        "Don't sell yourself short, Bill. Linda and I both know the Fellowship happened because of you. Linda has a very special guy herself. At least I guess she has you."
        "Don't think I could escape if I wanted to," Bill laughed. "But, yes, Linda has me. Strange, I had screwed around with a lot of girls--and I mean that literally--but, when I look back, I realize something was missing. In spite of the fact that I had women all over me, I was lonely. Weird, right? Then I met Linda. No fucking around, just a lot of talk--well, she IS Linda..."
        Linda slugged Bill on the arm.
        "...a lot of love-making without going all the way. I dream about her. I think about our life together and dream of the future. And I'm not lonely. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect us to remain--I started to say virgins, but that sure won't work for me--together without... well, you know.... Anyway, right now I am a very happy man."
        Friday afternoon we were at the pool and Linda said, "So the problem is that Michael may decide to be a priest and you can't stomach the idea of being a priest's wife. I can sure understand that. Especially after I see what one is like. That bitch counselor in cabin four, Mrs. Allison, is a priest's wife. She's so uptight I don't think she can fart without extra effort. You know what she told her girls about sex? She said that they should look for a man who wasn't too interested in sex so they wouldn't have to endure it too often! The very idea. I can see why you balk, Mary Kathryn, although I don't think Michael is 'not too interested in sex' or that you'd dislike 'enduring' with Michael, would you?" she laughed.
        "I can hardly wait! And I mean that! Now if she were like any one of the three other counselors. I mean when I saw that old woman come in and announce she was our counselor, I thought we were in for a dull week. But, man, was I ever wrong. Bill, did you see Cindy, our counselor, yesterday on the ropes course? She was tops. One of the girls asked her about how old you were before you stopped having sex and she said, 'You're going to have to find someone older than I am because I still rejoice in having sex with my man and have missed him like all get out this week and we have been at it for forty years'. And look at Susan over there. She's young and full of it. Don't think a priest's wife would show up at camp with a string bikini. Half the boys flirt with her and she seems to enjoy it while making sure they know she's not serious, just having fun."
        "And old killjoy Mrs. Allison got on some of her girls for wearing indecent shorts--too tight and too short--and told them flirting is not what nice girls do."
        "Then there's Ann. She's just as down to earth as you can get. Cusses like a sailor. When her girls asked about having to endure sex, she said she'd never endured, just enjoyed the hell out of it, then told them about spending a week at the beach and getting sand burns having sex on the beach in the middle of the night after she and her husband had been skinny dipping. Well, if Mr. Michael thinks I'm going to be a priest's wife, he's got another think coming."
        "You could double that for me," Linda said.
        Bill laughed and said, "Glad to know that Linda, although--well.... Both of you know, I have never been much on religion. I mean I grew up being taken to church and Sunday school. In my family you just did that. I didn't understand why, since church played absolutely no part in everyday life. Oh, Dad was active on this committee and that if they were connected to the right people. Once I asked him why we had to go to church and he said, 'It's good for business. When you own an insurance agency in this town, you go to the right church and make sure the right people know you.' Well, as I grew older, I stopped going. Then when Linda dragged me to St. Mary's I was doing the same thing as Dad--except I was out for Linda rather than business. But from the first time I was at St. Mary's I had this very strange feeling. I felt like I had been away a long time and had come home. Sounds strange I know, but that's what I felt. I started having the same thoughts as Michael..."
        "You didn't! You wouldn't!" Linda said as she pounded Bill on the arm. It's a wonder the man is not black and blue from that woman.
        "Yea, I did. I wonder where priests would come from if you women had your way? Anyway, I talked with Fr. Tom several times and he finally said, 'Bill, you may be thinking about becoming a priest, but I don't think so. I think you are romanticizing. How about spending a couple days following me around? Then we'll talk again if you're still interested.' Well, I did. He ordinarily didn't work Saturdays, but I spent two with him. I didn't really need the second one. I guess I was thinking about Sunday. You know, kinda like playing basketball--you get all dressed up in a uniform and hit the courts to the cheers of the crowd. Man, was I ever wrong."
        "Several calls at the hospital, a nursing home and the homeless shelter pretty much took care of any romantic ideas I had, but that wasn't what really did it. Two things convinced me being a priest was not for this joker. The first was a woman screaming about having flowers and candles all over the church for her daughter's wedding. She went on and on after being told the policy on weddings at St. Mary's. I would have told her to fuck off after five minutes, but Fr. Tom kept trying to reason with her. The second was dealing with some super-serious suffering."
        "I was pretty sure it was not the job for me after the hospital, nursing home and homeless shelter--and the screaming bitch--then Fr. Tom insisted I accompany him when he was called to the hospital. He told me a young couple were having their first baby and were very excited since they had been trying for a long time. 'But I guess something's wrong because the ob-gyn called me to come.' When we got to the woman's room, her husband was there and they had not seen the baby. The doctor came in seconds after we did and told the parents the baby had severe--very severe--birth defects and didn't make it. He tried to comfort them by telling them how severe the defects were and the child was better off dead. Both parents became hysterical and the doctor just left. I felt so helpless. Fr. Tom was a real comfort to them, but I just stood there. Man, I knew that being a priest was not a game and that I was not cut out for the job. I just don't think I could deal with people who worry about candles and flowers when people sit in a nursing home abandoned by their children, have no place to call home and babies die. All that pain on the one hand and, on the other, the day-in-day-out shit which just doesn't really matter."
        "So," I asked, "why hasn't Fr. Tom done the same kind of thing with Michael?"
        "Where do you think Fr. Tom got the idea? Michael asked if he could hang around to see what being a priest was like and Fr. Tom agreed. They have spent a great deal of time together over the past weeks--he even called Michael out in the middle of the night several times."
        "But he never said anything to me about that!" I was angry and hurt.
        "He asked Fr. Tom to say nothing. In fact, Fr. Tom asked him if he minded my knowing before he took me on. Just before he left, he told Father it no longer had to be kept a secret. Michael had said it was something he had to struggle with himself and he didn't want you to be bothered with it. I guess when he left he thought you might find out and it might help you make your decision about your relationship."
        "That's just not fair! Michael shouldn't keep secrets from me!" I was really pissed.
        "Maybe not, but he thought it would only upset you more and he didn't want that, especially if he decided--as I did--that it was not for him. Don't think that will happen, Mary Kathryn. Fr. Tom said he was better at dealing with people than he and most priests he knew were. 'I guess the kid has been through so much pain in his young life that he really understands suffering people.' Apparently there was no-one to whom he could not relate--well that's not quite true," Bill laughed.
        "Seems the woman who pitched a bitch about the flowers and candles decided to have another go at getting her way. Fr. Tom wasn't in and Michael had just arrived. Gertie sent her into Fr. Tom's office to speak to Michael, telling the woman Michael was a new assistant. When Gertie used the intercom to tell Michael she was coming in, Michael had pushed the wrong button so it was left open. Fr. Tom came in shortly after the woman had gone in, and sat in the outer office with Gertie, listening in on Michael."
        "Mrs. Rutan, hadn't been to church in years. She and her family had left when the first black members came to St. Mary's, but decided her daughter had to have a big church wedding there. Of course, she didn't know Michael wasn't an assistant." Bill was laughing big time. "Anyway, she started bitching about the music which was not allowed at weddings. Michael asked why she was bringing up the music, as she had done the flowers and candles, since the church had a policy about what could and could not be done at weddings. The woman raised her voice as she started telling Michael her grandmother had gone to St. Mary's so she should be able to do as she pleased. Michael never raised his voice. He just quietly told her 'If I get married here, the rules apply to me. They apply to everyone.' I guess she thought she could wear him down so she started on the music again. Again, Michael carefully explained the policy on music and she got louder. After listening to her rant and rave for awhile, Michael finally said, again very quietly, 'Mrs. Rutan, the music policy and all the policies concerning weddings were adopted by members of St. Mary's who support the church with their money, time and presence and I am sure all would be unwilling for them to be changed for you. You plan to have the reception in the Common Hall. There you can have anything played you want--you can even have "We're Going to Do Tonight What We Did Last Summer" played if you like, but the wedding is a religious service and will be treated with dignity. If you don't want that, you can go elsewhere.' 'I just might do that,' she said and Michael--in his best Clark Gable voice--said, 'Frankly, Mrs. Rutan, I don't give a damn!' She, of course, stormed out of the office, ignoring Gertie and Fr. Tom as she rushed past. When Fr. Tom told Michael he had heard all, he added, 'Michael, you can always catch more flies with honey than vinegar,' to which Michael replied, 'Why the hell would I want to catch flies?'"
        I couldn't help but laugh. I could just hear Michael. He was never one to suffer fools gladly, as Fr. Tom had told him several times before. Damn, I missed him.
        "Fr. Tom told Michael that he would make a damn good priest, 'but you'll spend a lot of time in hot water'. I'm not at all sure Michael can just forget being a priest, even if you decide you can't handle it. Sorry. You just have to realize that you're in love with a pretty special guy."
        That did it, I started bawling like a baby. I wasn't sure if it was because what Bill said confirmed what I knew, but didn't dare think, or if it was because I really missed the man who was my life and who was messing it up. Linda hugged me and we were all silent until I stopped crying.
        When I did, Bill said, "I know you and Michael really have a thing for each other, but you are so young. Actually, you two are like Matt and Luke, a year younger than your classmates. Why?"
        Before I could answer, Linda said, "All four skipped a grade--seventh, right? When they were junior highs, seventh grade was seen as a review grade and if teachers thought you didn't need it, you skipped it. All four of those 'dumb farm hicks' skipped seventh."
        "Anyway, you and Michael sure are young to be thinking about spending your life together. You can find someone else, even though you think this is forever. I mean, have either of you ever even dated someone else?" Bill asked.
        "Yea, junior high kind of dating. Both of us did, I more than Michael but, yea, we dated some. I mean, the thoughts of dating my brother just didn't seem right. Then, even when I realized what I felt for Michael was definitely not what one should feel for a brother, I kept dating, but never fell into the going steady bit. And every date I had must have thought I was a cold fish because I'd begin to feel a little romantic, look at my date and see it wasn't Michael so... well, when Michael kissed me at Christmas, that was it. So I guess we're young but I don't think there is, or could be, anyone else. If we can get over this hump, then we'll be together for the next one."
        "Well, this is a big one, I can tell you that," Bill said as the whistle blew, ending the afternoon swim.

 Matt

         I didn't write the Fellowship after I got back to the dorm. I wanted time to think about what Woody had told me. He had said he would go with me to Chattanooga so I wouldn't get lost. I'd have more time to talk with him on the trip. I wanted to do that before I wrote Luke about Lucas. I wasn't sure what to say and what to leave unsaid, but I did write Luke. I told him about playing tomorrow and about sitting with Woody and watching the sunset. "Luke, it would have been absolutely perfect if only you had been with me. The sunset was beautiful and Woody is such a great and loving person I know you would love him. It was so peaceful. But what I'd really like would be for the two of us to have been there, your arms around me, your lips against mine, me making love to you."
        "During the sessions, I get so involved I forget the pain from not having you here, but then.... And, Babe, tonight I'm alone and I miss you so much." I poured out my heart to the one I loved, telling him how I ached because he was not with me. But I couldn't stop on that note so I added, "Luke, Mr. Right Hand sure isn't a replacement for my Yonghon Tongmu and Chili Pepper lets me know it!" I sent the e-mail, went to my room and once again proved I was right in what I wrote.
        The weeks, in one sense, were flying by. Both Stinky and Woody complimented me on the improvement in my footwork. I could see it too, but breaking old habits is never easy. Composition opened whole new avenues for me and, while it was hard work, I loved every minute of it--except when I got frustrated by not being able to do what I thought I should be doing. I had to have a project for it and was transcribing and rewriting "Yonghon Tongmu". The liturgical music workshop was turning me into a real church organist and I was also doing a workshop on organs. It dealt with the history of my instrument and organ building. I was doing four sessions a day and Lucas kidded me about it a lot. "Nobody does more than three," he had said, "and most just do two and have fun the rest of the time". I never convinced him I was having fun in the workshops.
        One afternoon of the third week, he asked if I wanted to go swimming and, of course, I did. We asked Woody and Stinky--we always did when we went swimming--but both declined. After we had swum until he was blue and were sitting on the bank, he suddenly said, "You're gay, aren't you?"
        "As a matter of fact I am, but how did you know?"
        "I have pretty good 'gaydar'," he had replied and I asked what that meant.
        "Oh, you know... you can pick out a gay guy in a room full of people."
        "No, I don't know. I never had that experience."
        "You mean you never suspected I was gay?"
        "Sure I did, but it wasn't gaydar. It was remarks you have made about my equipment and the way you check me out every time you get a chance."
        He laughed and said, "No-one has ever accused me of not noticing a nice cock and you have a very nice one. Got a boyfriend?"
        "As if you hadn't figured that out. Yes, Luke and I are lovers."
        "Thought as much. How good is he?"
        "Look, I don't want to offend you, but our sex life is kinda personal and private. I love him to death and that's enough said."
        "Sorry, but I bet you're horny as hell with being here 'most three weeks and him being in Sarasota."
        I laughed. "Well, I wasn't castrated before I left and, yes, I am horny as hell. Nothing really unusual about that. Luke says I am always hot to trot and he's right."
        "Well, there's no-one here. Like to trot a little?"
        "There's two answers to that. In terms of being horny, the answer is a definite 'yes', but in terms of acting on it, the answer is a definite 'no'."
        "Why? You're hot, I'm hot. We're both gay and both would love a good hot fuck."
        "You're wrong on one count, at least I think you are. I have never fucked anyone and never been fucked. Luke and I have made love, but it's not fucking."
        "What's the difference? It's just words. Fucking is fucking."
        I was silent for a while, knowing that nothing I said was going to change Lucas' attitude, but I wanted to make it very clear that there was a great difference in my mind. Finally I said, "Lucas, have you ever been in love? I mean in love, not lust?"
        "There's a difference? I don't see any. I meet an attractive guy and he likes me and we both like sex. So far as I'm concerned, that's love."
        I knew I wasn't making any progress, so I thought a while longer then said, "Lucas, when you are fucking, what are you thinking about?"
        "Man, I am totally focused on the feeling. A big dick moving in and out of my ass, the taste of a nice cock in my mouth, my dick in a hot tight ass, a hot mouth on my cock. Man, I think about the only thing there is to think about--how good it feels."
        "Another question, how do you like to sixty-nine?"
        "I love getting it and giving it at the same time--double pleasure. That's the reason I love three-ways. I can fuck and suck at the same time or be sucked and fucked. One is as good as the other. Why?"
        "That's the difference. When I am making love to Luke I focus on one thing: making him happy and giving him pleasure."
        "And you don't get pleasure? You're lying."
        "I didn't say I didn't get pleasure. I do. God, do I ever, but my focus is on expressing my love for Luke. I want him to feel pleasure because I love him. And I receive two times what I give and I love it and thank God for it, but Luke comes first, always--well, nearly always. The one time he didn't will never, ever be repeated. Is there lust in our love-making? Damn right; it's often filled with lust, but it is always an expression of our love for each other. And I will never call that fucking."
        "All I got to say is that fucking is fucking and you don't know what you're missing and you don't know what you missed now."
        "Lucas, Luke and I are in love and we intend to be together until we die. And being faithful is a part of our commitment."
        "Your cock disagreed with you big time for a while there," he laughed. "It sure wanted some hot fucking."
        I didn't answer and Lucas dropped the subject. He had been right, of course. When he suggested fucking, Chili Pepper made his presence felt big time. And I'll admit when I got back to my room I whacked off, producing a huge amount of ball juice. I definitely wasn't about to have intercourse with Lucas--I mean Luke and I had resisted temptation and we were much in love with each other--but as I whacked off, I thought about how good it would feel to have someone else doing the job while I relaxed and enjoyed it. "Why do you have to be so hot and horny?" I asked myself.

 Anthony

        Millie came home after two days in the hospital and was able to get around with a walker--which, of course, she hated and fussed about. Jason reminded her that she either use the walker or she sit and, while she grumbled, you could see she knew that.
        They had discussed the civil suit against the lawyer and when the lawyer's lawyer came by with an offer, they declined. He offered to settle for $5,000 each. Millie exploded. "We filed suit for a million each and that's what we expect! He should have known better!"
        The lawyer said it was a mistake. His client hadn't intended to slander anyone, but had only gone on the facts he knew.
        "Facts? Facts? Eugene and Jason had never met until the day before Eugene made his statement. And he had access to the tapes which will be used against McBride. A complete idiot could see that Eugene hadn't invited McBride's sexual assault, but was physically hurt and emotionally scarred by what McBride did. Your client must think we're complete dumb asses if he thinks we couldn't see through his scheme and couldn't see the real facts."
        "But the kid you took in..."
        "He's my son, legally and every other way," Millie thundered.
        "But your son is gay."
        "You don't know that and, besides, that's none of your or anyone else's damn business. And whether he is or is not has absolutely nothing to do with what McBride did to him. McBride has already been convicted of sexually abusing him and that settles that. But, all of that aside, this case is about making and selling child pornography. So you can tell your client he can shove his offer up his ass and go to hell. And if you come back with another pitiful offer, I'll toss aside this walker and personally kick your ass out the door!"
        "It's clear to me, Mrs. Willingham, that you and your sons are just out for the money and are being unreasonable." I guess some people just don't know when to shut up.
        "Get out of my house, you slime bag," Millie shouted. "If you're not on your way out in two seconds, I may just kick your ass now." With those words, Millie raised herself up on the walker and pushed it to one side. She laughed as the lawyer ran for the door. As soon as he was out she said, "I bet his shirt tail doesn't hit his back until he's in Lexington! The very idea insulting us with that offer."
        The next day a courier brought a letter offering to settle for $100,000 each. Millie and Jason discussed it over dinner--Eugene was in Lexington for the trial--and decided they would accept $150,000 if, and only if, Eugene decided to do so. Millie called Eugene and asked him if he could come home after the trial the following day to talk about a settlement. Millie's lawyer made the counter-offer.
        When he came, Eugene just wanted to get court things over with and was perfectly happy with the settlement. Mr. Fox set up two funds for Eugene--one which paid his aunt $1000 a month for caring for his sister and the other for Larry. Larry's was set up to pay him about $1500 a month. The interest was to be added to the principal and at the end of five years, the balance, if any, was to be paid out.
        After Eugene signed the settlement agreement--which included the slanderer making a public apology and taking out half-page ads in both Lexington and Concord newspapers apologizing--he said, "That's one worry gone. This trial is really getting me down. Tomorrow I'm supposed to testify and when I finish, Danny, Buddy and Jake will testify. None of the tapes has been shown yet, but as each of us testifies, they will be. I keep thinking I'm man enough to handle it, then I just go to pieces. Last night Larry held me for an hour while I cried, and the tapes haven't been shown yet. Mom, I think you better call our therapist and make late appointments for every night until this is over. I think that's going to be necessary instead of us staying in Lexington, but we can't get home until six or so."
        Millie motioned Eugene to herself and hugged him tightly while he cried. Millie may be a tough old bird, but there's a big heart inside. When he stopped crying, Eugene said, "Larry was coming over with me, but Mr. Greentree was working on a special project and told Larry he'd like for him to help. 'If we work late tonight, you can be free to go to court tomorrow. Eugene will need you,' he said."
        "Damn!" Millie said. "Anthony, Jason, we are going to be there too!"
        When Jason protested that Millie wasn't up to it, she demanded he call her doctor. "At this hour, Mom?" he had asked.
        "With what he gets paid for putting old ladies back together, he should expect to go the extra mile. Call him." Jason got the doctor and explained the situation. When he came back, he said the doctor said he couldn't stop her, but that he would advise against it as strongly as possible. When Millie insisted on going anyway, Jason said, "Mom, I have never put my foot down so far as you are concerned, but I am now. You are not going, period."
        "Call David and see about an ambulance," was Millie's response.
        This time Millie didn't win. David was sympathetic, but said he couldn't do it without the doctor's permission and, further, taking an ambulance from the county when it was not absolutely necessary could mean someone who really needed it wouldn't have it. On that, Millie gave in. If it had just put her in danger, she'd not have stopped, but she wouldn't put anyone else in danger.
        The first day in court went slowly and Eugene wasn't called. There were all sorts of legal playings around trying to get the tapes excluded, including the fact--which was admitted--that they had been copied and the faces of everyone, except the four who would testify, obscured. I didn't understand all the ins and outs of the arguments, but the final outcome was that the judge said he would watch the unaltered tapes and determine if there had been any tampering with the copies--beyond obscuring the faces of those who were not to testify. So Eugene had spent a day in court for nothing.
        Mr. Greentree told Larry he should stay with Eugene until the ordeal was over. We were all relieved that Eugene would have his soulmate with him all the time. When we got back to Concord, both guys went to the therapist. After Millie had gone to bed, Larry came down and asked me and Jason to come up and we sat and talked to the two for a couple hours. I'm not sure what we did other than listen, but both seemed very relieved.
        The second day of the trial, the judge announced that he had watched hours of tapes and that, while the copies were obviously the same as the originals, he was not going to permit them to be shown. "I fear that an appeals judge might rule differently and I don't want to allow any possible grounds for overturning the verdict, regardless of what it might be. Accordingly, only those tapes which show the four witnesses will be allowed, with one exception: I will allow those in which there are adults involved. They might wish to protest, but I will not protect them and hope they do protest." Clearly he knew that none would since the tapes would become evidence for other child sexual abuse cases.
        Eugene was the first witness called after the officers involved in collecting the tapes and video equipment had testified. As he was testifying, Jason leaned over and whispered, "Millie sure picked a real man to adopt. I don't think I could go through what my brother is going through. It has to be pure hell."
        Eugene first told of his rape by McBride and then identified the tape McBride had made of it. The defense lawyer asked Eugene if he were gay and the prosecution immediately objected and it was sustained. He then asked Eugene if he hadn't liked it. The prosecuting attorney jumped to his feet but, before he could object, Eugene shouted, "Like having water forced into my rectum? Like having a penis tear my rectum until I bled for a week? Like having my father beat me because I tried to tell him his preacher had raped me? Maybe you would have liked it, but I didn't. I still have flashbacks to being raped. I still see a therapist so I can go on living. No, I didn't like it. Maybe you would, I don't know. Maybe McBride would, I don't know, but I think a just sentence would be to do unto him as he has done unto others."
        The defense lawyer was shouting, trying to get the judge to stop Eugene, but the judge pretended not to hear. When Eugene was finished, Larry leaned over and said, "Great! Now they have Eugene pissed. If you want to see how strong he is, just get him pissed. Nothing, but nothing is going to hold him back now."
        The defense lawyer took the easy way out and said, "No more questions".
        The judge said, "I have some. How old were you when the tape was made, Mr. Willingham?"
        "Twelve."
        "You are sure of that?"
        "Yes sir. I had just turned twelve shortly before I went to camp."
        "Did you know you were being videotaped when this happened?"
        "Yes. Rev. McBride said he was taping it to show how I had to have the devil poked out of me."
        "And you didn't object?"
        "I objected to what he was doing to me, hurting me. I didn't think about a video. I was worried about dying. I worried about bleeding to death from my torn rectum."
        "Thank you, Mr. Willingham."
        Several other tapes were shown of Eugene beating off, being sucked off by McBride and being molested in other ways. I was surprised he was as cold as ice water during the ordeal. "How can he be so calm?" I whispered to Larry.
        "I told you, he's pissed. Anytime Eugene is as calm as he is now, you can be sure he is pissed to the nth degree."
        The defense tried to discredit Eugene--maybe he was mistaken about his age, maybe he had lied about the tapes to punish McBride--but he stood on what he said, as solid as a rock. Finally, the defense asked, "Mr. Willingham, Rev. McBride might have made the tapes out of some personal need--perverted as it might be. And, I suppose, it might be argued that he is guilty of molesting you--although I am not granting that. But this trial is not about molestation or child sexual abuse. Do you understand that?"
        "I should, since I testified against him in the molestation case in which he was convicted."
        "Your Honor, I move that statement be stricken from the record as non-responsive to the question."
        "I find it most responsive, but I will order it stricken and the jury should disregard it. Mr. Willingham, please answer yes or no."
        "Yes, your honor. And yes to the question."
        "Then, Mr. Willingham, a major part of this case hinges on whether or not Rev. McBride knowingly distributed tapes which might be called child pornography. Do you understand that?"
        "Yes."
        Do you know what constitutes child pornography, Mr. Willingham?"
        "I do."
        "Then will you tell this court in your own words what constitutes child pornography."
        "Child pornography is any graphic depiction of an underage child engaged in sexual activity. I'm sure of that. I may be mistaken, but I believe it includes showing an underaged male with an erection."
        "An erection?"
        "Yea, you know, with a hard-on." The defense lawyer could be heard as he gasped, but that didn't stop him.
        "Mr. Willingham, do you know what hearsay is?"
        "Yes."
        Larry whispered, "Uh oh, now he's treating Gene like he's stupid. He's really asking for it."
        "And what is hearsay, Mr. Willingham, and do you know if it can be admitted in court."
        "Hearsay is something you have been told, but not witnessed yourself and it cannot be admitted."
        "You're right. Now think carefully. Can you of your own knowledge--remember you're under oath--tell this court that you know Rev. McBride made any effort to distribute the tapes we have seen today in this courtroom."
        Larry's face lit up and he was grinning a very wicked grin. "Here's where he nails McBride big fashion," he whispered.
        "I can."
        The defense lawyer looked as if he had been hit in the face with a sack of fresh dog shit. "And just how can you do that, Mr. Willingham?"
        "The day McBride was arrested and I saw the tapes being brought in, I suspected what he had been doing. I spent all that night searching the internet."
        "And you found something?"
        "I found a web site in Amsterdam offering child pornography for sale."
        "Well, we all know about Amsterdam, but this is Lexington in the USA. That proves nothing, does it?"
        "No, it doesn't, but the video clips on that site of me being fucked and sucked off by McBride do--video clips of tapes for sale."
        The defense lawyer was clearly rattled and said, "I have no more questions of this witness, Your Honor, and request a recess."
        "It's 11:30. We'll recess for lunch and reconvene at 1:00."
        Eugene got off the witness stand and ran to where we were sitting. When he reached Larry, he embraced his soulmate, hanging on for dear life as he wept great sobs. Larry stroked his hair and said over and over again, "I am proud of you, Babe and I love you to death." Then he said, "God, Gene, you are so brave and to think..."
        Eugene stopped crying immediately and looked at Larry and said in a very commanding voice, "Drop it, Lar. Damn it to hell, drop it!"
        The prosecuting attorney came up to us and said, "Mr. Willingham, I want you to know that I think this case is over. It's not often I have a defense lawyer present my case against the defendant, but he did because he was fool enough to think he could get you angry and rattle you."
        Larry laughed and said, "But he did half of that. He got Eugene angry and if you want to get him rattled, you don't get him angry. When he is angry he is as cold and logical as a computer."
        "It was a real stroke of luck that you had done that search of the internet. Why didn't you tell me that?"
        "To tell the truth," Eugene answered, "I had been so concerned about the tapes and what they would do to my life that I had completely forgotten about it. Why didn't you remind me, Lar? You were with me."
        "Gene, I had forgotten it also until that fool lawyer asked the question about hearsay and I told Jason and Anthony then that McBride was about to get nailed."
        "You mean to tell me had the lawyer not asked the question, it would never have been brought up?" the lawyer asked.
        "That's right," Eugene said.
        "There are days in which I believe Lady Justice is alive and well and this is one of them. Lunch is on me."
        "Would love to, but I'm with my brother and our best friends."
        "For what you did today, I'd buy your whole family lunch," he laughed.
        "Well, if you're buying, you are just about buying for the whole family," Eugene said as he introduced us all.
        "I'm Henry Armstrong," he said.
        Lunch was interesting to say the least. Danny, Buddy and Jake came in and waved. "Do you know those guys?" Armstrong asked.
        "Sure do," Larry said. "We just graduated with them. And, of course, they testified against McBride in his molestation trial. "Let's invite them over."
        Armstrong motioned them over and, when they joined us, Larry introduced Jason and myself.
        All three nodded and then Danny said, "Good to see you guys. Eugene, you nailed that filthy bastard's ass to the wall this morning. I don't think we will have much to add this afternoon. I mean it's clear he did the tapes and offered them for sale. The only thing our testimony will add will be just a hell of a lot more perversion."
        About that time, the defense lawyer came into the resturant and walked over to our table. "Armstrong," he said without acknowledging the rest of us, "I'd like to talk with you before court's back in session. Judge's chambers at 12:30?"
        "I'm enjoying my lunch with a great bunch of guys, but I can make it by 12:45."
        "I'll be there."
        "He wants to cut a deal. What do you say to that?"
        "I say burn his ass," Danny said. The other two agreed.
        "Eugene?"
        "It would keep these three from having to testify again. It worked on me big time today as it did the first time. How about you guys?"
        "Same, I suspect," Buddy said, "but you did it, so can we."
        "Don't doubt that, but if it's unnecessary."
        "Look," Armstrong said, "we finish the trial and he is sentenced. He serves his time in the state pen for the molestation conviction. If he lasts--prisoners love to get their hands on child abusers--he'll get time off for good behavior and will probably be paroled. He goes to the federal pen and gets out early. That's probably what will happen. He might even have the state time count against the federal time. If I cut him a deal by dropping the charges to one count of manufacturing and distributing child pornography and give him a sentence of twenty-five years to be served after he has served his state time--and without any time off or parole--he'll be what? ninety when he gets out. Otherwise, he may get a life sentence which actually is less time. Weird, but that's the way the system works."
        "I say go for it," Eugene said.
        "Man, I appreciate not having to testify again and if you are sure you can nail his ass to the wall for good, go for it," Buddy said. Danny nodded.
        "Jake?" Armstrong asked.
        "Either way's ok by me."
        Court wasn't called to order until 1:30 and, when it was, McBride changed his plea and got the sentence Armstrong had outlined, and we all went home with the news for Millie. As soon as dinner was over, Larry and Eugene rushed upstairs to e-mail the Fellowship the news--and, I am sure, to make mad, passionate love. But I knew that Eugene would be haunted by McBride for years to come.
Part Forty-nine

 Luke

         The first two weeks passed quickly and Janet, Douglas and I had become almost inseparable. We were doing charcoals before the first week ended and assisting students who asked for our help, some still working with pencil. Afternoons I spent with Mr. Adams who was an expert in casting bronze and was teaching me how to do the lost wax process. It was not easy, but it was new and exciting. He asked that I select a small piece to cast. I decided to try to do a sculpture based on the painting of Matt and it was going well.
        The three of us usually hit the beach by 5:00 and, even with the sunscreen, I was actually developing a faint tan. Janet and Douglas were bronze. We also spent time at Douglas' place. He was right, his parents had spent tons of money on trash, but his room--which was huge and overlooked the gulf--was well-decorated with his work, none of which was trash. We also spent time at Rich's place, I especially, on the weekend.
        I was missing Matt like crazy and couldn't wait to check my e-mail for his letters. One evening when I got back from Rich's place there was a long letter from Matt. He had told me earlier that his room-mate was gay and a playboy, but in this letter he told me Lucas had actually suggested they fuck each other. Matt went into detail about their conversation and his reaction to it. He wrote that he got hard when Lucas talked about it, but that it was just what anyone would expect of a horny eighteen-year-old. I'll admit I was uneasy, but also thought I would have probably gotten hard too. But, then, I knew Matt and how hot he was and could get, and here was a good-looking guy hitting on him. Was I jealous? No, I was a bit frightened. But I knew that, unlike my not telling Matt all about Janet, he had told all that had happened.
        I still hadn't written him about my talk with Janet and saw no need to. That didn't mean she had given up. Well into the second week she was still, occasionally, hitting on me but by the end of that week, I was clearly out of the picture and Douglas was in. In fact, Janet was spending the weekend at Douglas' place and I was alone for the first time since I had arrived.
        Saturday I slept late and was awakened by the phone about noon. It was Rich. "Luke, Josh is out of town this weekend and I thought--if you have no problem with a teacher and student going out--you might like to go to a gay nightclub. Ever been to one?" I told him I had not, just a teen club where gays were welcome. "Got a false I.D.?" he asked.
        "Well, no, never had a need for one."
        "You do now. Pick you up in half an hour and drop you off where you can have one in thirty minutes. Then we'll do some shopping for an outfit for you. See you in half an hour."
        I got an I.D. which said I was twenty-one and then we went shopping. I expected to go to a mall, but Rich took me to a shop which catered to the gay community. I wasn't very comfortable, but before I knew it he had picked out an outfit for me--tight, and I do mean tight, black leather pants and a black leather vest. "Perfect," he said.
        "But what about a shirt?"
        "With a chest like yours, you want a shirt? Don't be foolish!"
        Rich dropped me off at the dorm and I caught up on my e-mail. I wrote Larry and Eugene asking what Eugene was going to do now that his summer was free--I had expected him to mention it in an e-mail after he wrote about the trial ending, but he had not. Of course, I wrote all the others and a very long letter to Matt. I wrote him about Rich inviting me to go to a gay night club with him, but didn't mention the outfit I had bought. I don't know why I didn't since Matt was the one into clothes, but I just didn't think I needed to.
        Rich was picking me up at 8:00 for dinner at the gay club, then we were going dancing. I showered and got dressed and was ready when he arrived. He was dressed in an outfit like mine which, I must say, looked good on him, but not as good as mine did on me! Maybe it was all my blond hair with a black headband that made the difference.
        "Ready to party?" he asked when he came in.
        "Let's party!" I replied.
        We had a delightful meal, talking about nothing in particular. I did a lot of people-watching because no-one was dressed in what I would have considered standard attire. It was 9:30 before we finished dinner and then went next door to the dance club.
        The club was packed with guys in even stranger dress than those in the restaurant--some might be more nearly called half-dressed. The music was loud and I couldn't believe the lights. As soon as we were inside, Rich said, "Let's dance!" and dance we did. After fifteen or twenty minutes, Rich said, "Time for a drink, and tonight's on me. Like beer?"
        "As a matter of fact, I don't. I drink wine with the family and that's it."
        "If not beer, then something tall and cold." Rich pushed his way to the bar and came back with a beer and a tall glass. "Think you'll like this," he said as he handed me the glass. It tasted like a tart lemonade and really was refreshing. "Hey, slow down!" he said. "I want you on your feet. That drink has a kick." We found a table with two chairs and sat down. There were two other guys sitting at the table, making out big time. Why did that make me uneasy? I didn't know why, but it did.
        When we finished our drinks, we were back on the dance floor. Man, I love to dance and this was wild. Rich was good and I was having a great time. After dancing for at least half an hour, Rich got another round of drinks and this time we found a table with only one chair. Rich sat down and patted his lap for me to sit on him. As we were drinking our drinks, I felt Rich's hand on my thigh. I thought he had just forgotten where he was and who he was with, so I just moved my leg and kinda pushed his hand away. He seemed not to notice. He may not have noticed, but Little Luke did. When he suggested we dance again, Little Luke was still hard.
        The DJ was playing a slow song and Rich pulled me close. Little Luke had taken notice and refused to behave. "I think I feel a very hard cock," Rich said.
        "You're right. I'm a horny eighteen-year-old who has been separated from his lover for three weeks. What do you expect?"
        "We could take care of that," he said as he looked at me and smiled. "You know you are a damn handsome man and I am very attracted to you."
        "Here's where the dance ends," I said as I backed away from him and started off the floor.
        I found a table and sat down. What had I gotten myself into? Rich came over with another drink and said, "I'm sorry, Luke. I really am. I thought you'd like to have a little fun. I didn't mean to offend you."
        I took the drink and said, "It's ok. I was just horny as hell and kinda forgot where I was, but you've got to know that Matt and I have pledged to be faithful to each other. It's tempting, but no thanks."
        "I understand and, again, I'm sorry. Friends?"
        "Friends." We finished our drinks and I said, "Wanta dance?"
        I was feeling strange as we walked to the dance floor, but was really enjoying myself as the DJ played some really hot numbers. I was also sweating big time. The room was hot and we had been dancing for another half hour when Rich said, "Break and another drink?"
        "Not right now, I've got to piss." I was kinda woozy, I guess from the heat.
        As I started toward the john, Rich said, "Just remember, a lot of people come here to get laid."
        I knew what he meant as soon as I opened the door to the john. I also knew, at once, the difference between making love and fucking.
        When I got back to the table, Rich had another drink for me and I downed it. The place was hot and I was sweating from the heat and the dancing. I was feeling very strange and needed some air. "I need to get out of here," I said as I stood up and started walking toward the door. Not only was I feeling pretty strange, but things seemed to be moving around. As soon as I got outside, I threw up. I felt like shit. "Rich, take me home, please," I said.
        I managed to keep down whatever was left until Rich stopped the car in front of the dorm. "Don't think you need to be seen helping a half-dressed and more than half-drunk student to his dorm," I said. "I can make it on my own." Rich nodded in agreement and I opened the door, got out, puked and dragged myself to my room. I undressed, falling when I tried to take off my pants, took a cold shower and hit the bed. The damn thing started spinning and I didn't make it to the bathroom before I threw up again. I finally managed to get to the bathroom and thought I'd wash out my mouth and then realized I was thirsty. I drank a glass of water only to have it come right back up. Fortunately, I was at the basin. "To hell with the mess," I thought as I dragged my body to the bed and crashed big time.

 Bill

         The week in camp had been great! I found I was excited about everything we did. I played basketball, swam, and Mary Kathryn, Linda and I ran every morning before Morning Prayer and breakfast. The sessions on church history and theology I ate with a spoon. I had never taken religion very seriously, but I found talking and thinking about it very interesting. I especially liked the afternoon sessions when we went to the cabins to relax and talk about how what we had learned related to everyday life. Evening almost always included some activity--campfires, square and line dancing (I had always thought of them as really square, but I had great fun). Then there were the bull sessions in the cabin after lights out when the counselors were at a counselors' meeting and we were on our own. Our counselor was a priest who was my kind of guy, he could relate to us and we to him easily, but he was always the adult.
        One night--well, every night in one form or another--sex came up. But one particular night one of the super-macho guys started talking about fucking. I knew he was just a loud mouth--guys learn to tell the difference in the tenth grade, I think--and I finally had had it so I said, "You know what? I think you are just bullshitting. I have probably fucked more girls than you will have when you are in the nursing home. And you know something else? I'm ashamed of it and I wish I hadn't."
        "You don't like to fuck, but you did. Are you some kind of queer of something?"
        "If I ever hear you use that word again, I'll beat the shit out of you. I don't like words that put people down."
        "You like queers?" he asked, and the next minute he was on the floor.
        "I don't like people who use words that hurt--queer, nigger, sissy, faggot--you know them all, I suspect. If you mean do I like gays, I don't know. I haven't met them all, but I have four gay friends and I wouldn't trade a thousand bigoted rednecks like you for one of them."
        "I guess that's why you don't like to fuck. I guess you're going to tell me you're not fucking Linda. I've seen you two making out."
        "It's none of your damn business, but I'll tell you I'm not fucking Linda and never intend to. I do intend to make mad passionate love to her all the way one day, but I'll never fuck her. You want to know the difference?" I then told him the difference--I was still holding him on the floor. "I guess you will never know the difference since you seem intent on fucking, but maybe if you ever get to do either--both--you'll discover the difference." I let him up off the floor and he got in his bed, pouting. The rest of us talked about the difference between fucking and making love.
        The only ninth grader in our group, who had been very shy and seldom said anything, said, "Bill, thank you. I think if I get nothing else out of this summer, I have just learned something very important."
        Several other guys agreed with him, including one who never boasted about fucking around. He said, "Bill, I know that empty feeling," turned over and went to sleep.
        The next day, after the three of us had finished lunch, Linda told me the girls in her cabin were all talking about what had happened the night before. "Thanks, Bill. I think maybe you have found your niche. You're a basketball star so young guys will listen to you and you have your head screwed on straight so you have something to say. Think about it." I did then and for a long, long time afterward.

 Jacob

         I never paid much attention to the news, but my Aunt Mendy had asked me about this Rev. McBride from Concord who was being tried in Lexington for child pornography and I told her the whole mess. She remembered he had been tried in Concord for child sexual abuse, but didn't remember much about it. "They started picking the jury today," she told me. "It was on the news." Well, I certainly paid attention to the news then.
        When I got home from work, she told me the defense lawyer has said Eugene had been purchased as a boy sex toy for some Concord matron's gay son and that he was gay and had invited McBride's attention. I was furious! I knew the whole story and told my aunt what had happened. "Well, is he gay?" she asked.
        "What has that got to do with something which happened to him when he was twelve?" I asked and I guess she knew I was pissed. "That bastard McBride not only raped him, but video taped it and sold copies of the tape. Now you tell me what his being straight or gay has to do with that."
        "Well, I just wondered." I didn't answer. It was none of her business and I was sure she would never drop it if I told her he was gay and was one of my best friends.
        The evening news carried a repeat of the lawyer's statement and announced that Eugene, Millie and Jason had all filed libel suits against him. "Good," I said. "That lawyer needs to publicly eat his words." After the news I called Eugene and told him I was with him and hoped everything turned out ok. When I asked how things were going, he told me about Millie and that he was having a rough time, but he had the support of Millie and Larry and now Anthony and Jason. When I asked about Jason, he couldn't say enough about his big brother. I was glad.
        The next day, I couldn't wait for the news and when I learned that McBride had accepted a plea bargain again, I was very relieved for Eugene. I called again and suggested he and Larry come over Friday or Saturday night to celebrate. They decided Friday night was best and said they would pick me up at 7:30.
        I had e-mailed Paula the news as it happened, but when the trial was over I decided that was a good excuse to call her. I was dying to hear her voice. While I waited for someone to get her to the phone, I thought how great it would have been had we gotten together earlier but then was just glad we had finally done so.
        She was ecstatic at the news of McBride and said she had written Millie a note when she learned of the broken hip.
        I asked her how camp was going and she became very excited. The camp was great; she loved working with the kids and was really enjoying being among so many Jewish adults and kids. "Being Jewish in small-town Concord is pretty lonely at times," she said. "We get to synagogue more often now than we did when we could barely pay the grocery bill," she said. "Since it requires that we drive to Lexington, we couldn't afford to do it very often before. I really don't have anyone to talk to about my religion and it is important to me." I didn't comment. Being essentially heathen, I was sure I couldn't understand her feelings. After that, we talked about how we missed each other and how being separated intensified our love for each other. I finally realized my aunt was going to kill me over the phone bill and reluctantly said, "Goodnight, Paula, I love you, girl."
        "Goodnight my red-headed love," she said and we hung up.
        I dreamed of Paula every night and that night my dreams of her were more vivid than ever.
        Friday night the guys came over and we went out and had a great time. I enjoyed dancing since there seemed to be women going to waste every dance. The guys and I kinda caught up on what had been going on with the rest of the Fellowship and generally had a good time. After the club closed, we went to the ice-cream parlor and sat and talked until it closed. Much of that conversation revolved around Paula's comment about religion. Eugene said, "You know, when there was a discussion about the music for the concert, I said I was nothing--and that was true, so true that I had to be baptized before I could be confirmed, but religion is becoming a very important part of my life. In fact, come to think of it, the Fellowship is a pretty religious bunch--and I think seriously, not just for show. You're here in Lexington, why don't you contact the rabbi and at least see if you can get some understanding of Paula's religion. Can't hurt. You don't have to become Jewish, just find out where Paula is." Well, I decided that made a great deal of sense and called and made an appointment with the rabbi who, much to my surprise, was a woman.
        After our first meeting, we met on a weekly basis. When my aunt found out I had been to see a rabbi, she started in on Jews and I just walked off. I had to live in the house for the summer and she had proven she was a bigger redneck than my dad, and that took some doing. I sure as hell didn't let her know I was, for all intents and purposes, studying Judaism with a rabbi. She would have shit her pants or kicked me out. But it took a lot of effort to control my red-headed temper.

 Mary Kathryn

        Saturday morning, campers started leaving after breakfast. Parents who had to pick up campers were told that everyone had to be gone by 10:00 so the camp could be ready for the third and fourth grade camp starting Sunday. Of course there were two or three still around at 10:30, but they were told to wait on the porch of the lodge. Those of us who were staying were free after 9:30. Two of the male counselors were leaving and Bill and Howwy, another rising senior camper, were taking their place. Bill and Linda came by and said they were going for a walk and asked if I wanted to go along. "Very sweet and very nice of you, but if I were Linda and Bill were Michael and I asked Linda and she said she would, I'd kill her on the spot," I laughed.
        Bill grinned and said, "I was prepared in case you said yes. We'll be good," he said as the two of them started down a trail. I was getting ready to feel sorry for myself when the four female counselors came walking up from checking the cabins. Mrs. Allison's husband was waiting for her. She gave him a peck on the cheek and immediately started bitching about something or other, then got pissed because he hadn't gone to the cabin to pick up her stuff. "I had to drag all this here myself," she whined. I felt like busting her one. He kept saying, "My Pet this and My Pet that," until they finally had everything in the car and left.
        "Now that's one priest who truly wears a dog collar," Ann laughed. "If I have ever seen a man on a leash, he's it."
        "Dog collar?" I asked.
        "Yea, that's what priests' collars are often called."
        "Well, I can tell you one thing I have learned at camp this week. If Michael Andrews puts on a dog collar he's going to have to find another woman to lead him around!"
        "What do you mean?" Susan asked.
        "Mary Kathryn's man, who at sixteen she claims she'll marry, is at a Benedictine Abbey thinking about his vocation. He thinks he wants to be a priest and Mary Kathryn has a problem with that," Cindy said.
        "What's the problem, Mary Kathryn?"
        "You just saw that bitch and you ask what the problem is? You heard what she said about sex. I bet she has little teas and all the blue haired ladies come and then make fun of her behind her back. No, thank you. I'm more like you three. I couldn't put up with being a priest's wife. No way, Jose!" By the time I had finished, all three were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. "What's so damn funny? I love a man more than life itself and he's sitting up there with a bunch of monks trying to decide whether I'm going to have him or God gets him!" That only made them laugh harder.
        Finally Susan got control enough to say, "Mary Kathryn, you have a bigger problem than you think. I AM a priest's wife and, to make matters even worse, I'm a priest. Jack is a priest who is a hospital chaplain and I am rector of the local parish. When I'm gone, he does the parish, supplies on Sundays when a parish is without a priest or the priest needs a break and he helps me out. I guess that makes me a priest's wife priest."
        "You're lying," I said in utter disbelief. "You're not at all like a priest's wife!"
        "I'm not? Jack's sure going to be surprised when he finds that out," she laughed.
        "Well... I don't know what to say," I said.
        "Stereotypes will always get you in trouble," Cindy said.
        "I'm glad Michael doesn't know this. He's death on stereotypes and I need something to hold over his head. I mean, Susan, you are great but that means the score is one to one--you and Mrs. Allison."
        "Hate to break the news, Mary Kathryn, but you've got the wrong score. I make it two to one--and it depends on whether you give the Allison team a point or the Susan team," Ann laughed.
        "Not you too!" I was absolutely beside myself. My carefully constructed argument was going up in smoke before my eyes because I really admired the two women. "Well, I think you two are great and it sure changes my thinking--some--but I don't know you as well as I do Cindy. I mean spending a week in the cabin with someone doesn't leave a lot to the imagination about a person. Oh, I don't mean you two are not great, it's just, well, maybe you kinda, you know, have a special camp face. I mean, you know, maybe Cindy does too, but you know, when you practically live with someone twenty-four hours a day, you know."
        "I know what you mean, Mary Kathryn. I have lived in the cabin with you a week and never once heard you say 'you know' and now it's practically half your words. Methinks you are trying hard to hold on to something and covering up with 'you know'. Well, I don't like to hear that so I'll just settle the whole thing. I'm a priest's wife as well. All the women counselors in senior high camp have traditionally been clergy wives and usually there hasn't been a single 'Mrs. Allison' and wouldn't have been this year but, bless her heart, good old standby Ernestine slipped off a ladder while doing a roof repair on her house and broke a leg. First time she hasn't been here in at least twenty years. She was a priest's wife. He retired two years ago and died last year. She's sixty-seven and would have been here anyway, except she was finally convinced she'd be more valuable next year."
        "And she still comes to camp?"
        "Comes to camp, repairs roofs, takes in stray kids, gives the school board hell because they won't adopt a policy on bullying and name-calling, fights to keep prayer out of school, you name it."
        "Holy shit," I said without thinking, blushed and said, "Sorry, that's what Michael would have said."
        Cindy laughed. "That's what John calls the bulletin, newsletter and committee reports. He hates them. When our oldest was about six, he walked into church one morning and, having learned to read pretty well, wanted a bulletin--usually kids don't get one--looked at the usher and said in a loud voice, "Give me one of those holy shits, please".
        "Wish I could stay for next week, Mary Kathryn," Ann said. "You and Susan and Cindy will be peers next week--you'll be counselors. You'll also meet some other clergy wives who help with the program. Some you will like and others will be a pain in the ass. They're just people and have all the good things and all the bad things which make people people. I'll be back for middle school and there will be another wife replacing Cindy or Susan. I'm not sure who the fourth counselor will be that week. Right now I'm going to run. I've been away from my man a week and I'm ready to get home." We hugged and she left.
        "Guess we should have told you before, but after I learned you were having a problem, we decided not to. I'm surprised someone didn't tell you," Cindy said. "Next week when we are counselors and not camper and counselor, we'll do some talking. Susan?"
        "I'd love to have a chance to talk to a young woman who's trying to decide where to go with her life, especially when it seems so determined by a man."
        "Thanks," was all I could say and I was relieved when the bell rang for lunch.
        We would have lunch, then a training session from 1:00 until 5:00 and had been told we were free Saturday night. At lunch, Bill and Linda invited me to go into town to a movie with them. Before I could object, Bill said, "And you'll drive'.

 Matt

         I had to get up earlier than usual on Sunday morning to meet Woody and drive to Chattanooga. On the trip down we talked about the program, what I thought I had learned, that sort of thing. Finally Woody asked me about next year. I had told him, of course, that I was going to Oberlin, but that was about it. "Five of us have bought a house on Lake Erie near Lorraine since there was no campus housing available because we were accepted after the deadline. With our scholarships, we could afford to buy a house that an Oberlin professor made available to us." I told him about the house and the rest of the Oberlin Five.
        "Sounds great," he said.
        "The whole Fellowship"--and I had to explain--"will be going up the middle of August after we all finish our summer programs. Our parents are going too, at least most of them, and we are going to paint and do whatever else needs doing. You'll have to come up and spend some time with us."
        "I'd love it," he said. "It would be kinda like visiting a grandson."
        "I suspect you'll end up with at least five grandchildren next year."
        "What is your plan of study, Matt?"
        I explained that I expected to do dual enrollment and get an engineering degree as well as one in organ.
        "Why?"
        "In case I can't make it as an organist, I won't starve to death," I laughed.
        "Matt, you could make it as an organist right now. Not one of the best, but good enough to live well. With four more years of organ and composition, you won't have to worry. What I'd like to see you do is an apprenticeship with an organ builder. An organist who understands his instrument is a rarity. Usually, they know basically how they work, but I mean really know an organ. What do you think of that?"
        "I haven't, but I'm sure enjoying the workshop I'm doing here which includes some study of organ building."
        "If you are interested, I am positive I can get you an apprenticeship with Holtkemp, an organ builder in the area. Maybe not the best known in the world, but known and respected. I'm sure you could make arrangements to get college credit for that."
        "I'd love that, Woody, if you could."
        "Can and will. We'll make it final when you come up to your house."
        The service went well. The choir was about the same as St. Mary's and the service was little different. Not quite as high church, but high enough.
        At the coffee hour following Mass, everyone told me how good I was, but I knew I was a visitor and only nice things would be said. I did give weight to Woody's "Good Job!" After the coffee hour, a couple who had known Woody previously asked us to have dinner with them. They insisted we ride the incline to the top of Lookout Mountain where we ate in a restaurant which overlooked Chattanooga and the Tennessee River below.
        On the way back, I told Woody about the episode at the river and he just said, "Matt, Lucas will be Lucas. Maybe one of these years he'll meet someone and fall in love. I hope so. His present lifestyle really upsets me and it also worries me. But I can tell you this: he will not give up on you. You are really driving him nuts. First, because you are so damn handsome. If you were ugly--well, I've always said if suddenly all men were ugly, Lucas would become a monk. Second, you haven't fallen victim to his charms and that is a real challenge to him. Good luck this last week."
        As I opened the door Monday after my last session, I thought Lucas had struck it lucky because of the shouts and groans but, as soon as I turned the corner, I saw he was watching a porno flick. "Join me," he said, "this is a hot one". I had never seen a porno flick before--honest--so I sat down and started watching. Two guys were fucking like bunnies. On the one hand, I found it kinda boring and disgusting and on the other--well, Chili Pepper got hard as a rock and started streaming pre-cum. Suddenly I felt Lucas hand on my hard cock. I pushed it away without comment, but half a minute later it was back. "Now try to tell me you're not hot and ready to at least jerk off," he laughed.
        "Right on both counts, but take your hand away."
        "Matt, you're going to get your rocks off tonight. You know that and I know that. Now I want you to tell me the difference between our doing each other and doing ourselves. There is no difference and you can't tell me otherwise."
        "Lucas, you're right, I can't tell you otherwise. I can't tell you anything about being in love and being faithful. Maybe one day you will understand. And you may even be right that there is no difference, but I think there is and Luke thinks there is and that makes it true for us. So I guess I better go before this goes any further." I got up and went to my room and closed the door. Of course, Lucas was right, I did get my rocks off, but I did it and Luke and I had certainly understood that would happen.
        The next morning, Lucas didn't mention the night before nor did I. But it wasn't his last attempt at seduction. All week he kept making suggestive remarks, making sure we were in the bathroom at the same time every morning and suggesting we go swimming every day. I made a point of being sure Woody and Stinky could go with us before I agreed to go. I knew I was being tempted big time because I kept an erection too often and too long not to be aware of what was going on. Every time he asked about going swimming, I said, "Sure, Woody and Stinky have already suggested it."
        Each time he said, "Shit!"
        Lucas was leaving Saturday afternoon since he wasn't performing Sunday in the closing concert as I was. He came into the bathroom while I was drying after my shower and immediately saw that I hadn't gotten Chili Pepper under control. He reached out and stroked him a couple times and it felt good. I reached out for his cock...
        After breakfast, Lucas said goodbye and left. After he was gone, I lay on my bed for a long time, trying to decide what I was going to write to Luke. I had been absolutely forthright with him to this point and I couldn't convince myself I should not do so now. I was more than a little ashamed of myself and sick at my stomach as I sat down at the computer to e-mail Luke. What would he say? What would he think? What would he do? I tried to imagine that I was in his place and he in mine but for the first time I really didn't know my Luke. As I finished the letter I was in tears, went to my room and escaped reality by sleeping until time for the closing concert. After dinner, I asked Woody to come to the room and sat and talked until all hours. When he left he said, "Matt, remember you love Luke and he loves you. There will be hard and painful times in your relationship. This is one of them."

 Luke

        When I woke up Saturday morning, I felt as though a flock of buzzards had spent the night in my mouth, my head was pounding as if someone was inside with a jackhammer and the stench in the room sent me rushing to the john for another good puke. I finally managed to get it together enough to clean up the mess from the night before, shower and brush my teeth--twice--but that was it. I closed the blinds and crawled in bed and pulled the covers over my head. When I woke up, I was feeling better, but not in tip-top shape. I did manage to crawl out of bed and get a Coke, which I kept down. A couple aspirin helped and soon I felt like finding something to eat. By then it was 6:00. I decided I'd go to a movie and caught a bus to a theater.
        When I got back, I tumbled into bed again and slept late Sunday morning. By the time Douglas brought Janet back, I was feeling human. They suggested we hit a pizza place and, as we sat down, Douglas said, "Got a false I.D.? Want a beer?"
        "Yes and a very definite no," I smiled. I then told them about Friday night.
        "Man, you were drunker than a skunk. You must have been drinking doubles," Douglas said.
        "Double misery at least," I laughed.
        Week four the three of us were doing oils. Oils were not my favorite medium, but one in which I needed to work. I was enjoying learning and Rich was very helpful. He never mentioned the previous Friday night, nor did I.
        Friday at break, Douglas said Janet was again spending the weekend at his place. "You're welcome to come with us."
        "Think I'll stay here and work in the sculpture studio tomorrow. There will be no-one there, probably, and I get more work done when I'm alone. Thanks anyway."
        "We are thinking about coming back for a concert Saturday night. Not a big one and the groups are nothing special, but if we can't find something more interesting, we'll come in. I'm sure there will be tickets available--we haven't bothered to get any. As I said, it's not a big deal but maybe you'll discover you like our kind of music," Douglas laughed.
        "Not sure I can take all the noise," I laughed, "but it will be different. But I'm not sure."
        "Why don't we come by and check? If you find something more interesting, leave a note on your door, otherwise, we'll probably see you Saturday night--unless Janet makes my life so interesting I forget!" Douglas laughed.
        Saturday morning, I went to the sculpture studio and worked until about 2:00. I was so involved I forgot lunch. I walked over to the student center and got a snack--actually a huge snack--and then went to the dorm, took a nap, then started to get ready for the concert. I wasn't very excited about it, but at least it would be a new experience and I had nothing better to do. I showered and got dressed and realized I hadn't checked my e-mail. I went downstairs and there were several letters from the members of the Fellowship and one from Matt. I decided I'd read all the others first and save Matt's for dessert. After catching up on all that had been going on with the Fellowship--I laughed big time when I read Mary Kathryn's postscript to mine, going into detail about being knocked for a loop about clergy wives. I then opened Matt's:
        "My Bright Angel, Love of my Life, my Yonghon Tongmu,
        It has really been a week. After the performance tomorrow, I'll pack and be ready to leave early Monday morning. How I wish--oh how I wish--you'd be waiting for me so I could tell you what I have to tell you in person, but you won't be and I can't keep it from you any longer. I tried to call but there was no answer, then remembered you had said you would probably spend the weekend with Janet and Douglas at his place."
        I was suddenly very uneasy and confused. What was Matt talking about? What couldn't wait?
        "Lucas..."
        I should have known it was about Lucas.
        "...has kept up his campaign to get me in bed with him all week. He asked if I wanted to watch a porno flick with him earlier this week. I was curious since I had never seen one, so I sat down beside him and started watching it. As I watched, I got hot--kinda disgusted as well--but hot nonetheless. He noticed and reached over and put his hand on my hard Chili Pepper. I pushed his hand away twice and finally just left. But I have to admit, Yonghon Tongmu, I was very tempted, very tempted to do what he suggested--wanted--for us to jerk each other off. But I didn't. Instead, I went to my room and closed the door.
        This morning while I was drying myself, he came into the bathroom. Chili Pepper was making known his need for attention. He was hard and there was no way to hide it. When Lucas reached out and took my cock in his hand, it felt so good, so damn good. He had talked so much about our jerking each other off and how he didn't see how that was not being unfaithful to you--no more unfaithful than my whacking off myself that I guess I had started believing it. Before I knew it, I was reaching for his hard, hot cock..."
        I didn't know what happened. I loved Matt. We had talked about his slipping and I had assured myself I could handle it when it happened. I was wrong. Sure, he had only got into a mutual jerk-off session, but he had let Lucas take my place. I just plain lost it. I was so angry, so hurt, so indignant, so everything that I saw red. I slammed my fist on the keyboard, jumped up and screamed, "Well, fuck you Matt Greywolf," and ran to my room, tears streaming down my face. I was hyperventilating while trying to tell myself it didn't really matter. I mean all Matt had done was jerk off Lucas and be jerked off by him. No big deal--hell, yes it was a big deal!!
        I kept talking to myself, telling myself that it was no big deal, but the longer I talked, the bigger deal it became. What if Matt had only told part of the story? Talk to myself as I would, I still felt betrayed, rejected, even unimportant to Matt's life. Sure, down inside I probably knew that wasn't true, but I wasn't dealing with deep inside. I was dealing with immediate, emotional, irrational thoughts and feeling. "I knew it. Just knew that hot-to-trot Matt would get laid--even if it was just a jerk-off session. But why would I think he stopped there?" I didn't know the voice in my head talking, convincing me that I shouldn't trust anything Matt said. When I reached my room, I had worked myself into a real rage. Cool Luke, ha! I was anything but cool. I was fucking, raging angry. I realized I had been pounding my fist in the wall in my blind, unthinking anger.
        It wouldn't hurt so much, but I loved Matt. I still loved Matt, but he had been unfaithful. He couldn't be trusted. He had let a fuck-happy playboy touch what was mine! I was cussing, screaming and crying and still pounding the wall when the phone rang. I started just to let it ring, but finally picked it up. It was Rich.
        "How you doing, Luke?" he asked.
        "Not very fucking damn good," I said. "Matt's been playing around with his fucking room-mate."
        "That makes two of us. I came home this afternoon and found Josh riding the ass of a fifteen-year-old student of his. I think you and I deserve to go out and have a good time, forgetting two-timing boyfriends. Pick you up in half an hour?"
        "Damn fucking right," I answered. I thought to myself, "Matt has screwed around so why shouldn't I go out and have a good time? I mean, at least I'm not screwing around." I hung up the phone, changed into the leather outfit and left a note for Janet and Douglas saying I was going out with Rich.
        When we got to the club Rich went straight to the bar and ordered drinks. After last weekend, I should have had better sense, but I was still not thinking, just reacting to my hurt and feeling betrayed, so I downed mine in a couple of gulps. "Man, you are pissed," Rich said. "Well, so am I. Josh and I had an agreement that we wouldn't fuck around and I find him in the bed riding the ass of jailbait. Fucking bastard!" He ordered another round of drinks. As we drank the second drink, our anger at our lovers fed on each other until we were both being totally irrational. The alcohol didn't help make us reasonable.
        I drank the second one a bit slower then than the first and when I finished it said, "Let's fucking dance." The tune was slow and Rich pulled me to himself and ground his hips against my soon rock-hard cock. When he wasn't doing that, he had his hand on Little Luke. It felt good. In my hurt and anger, I said to myself, "Two can play the fucking around game," and ground back. But it didn't work. It made me feel I was betraying Matt; it made me... Well, it finally made me say, "I wish you wouldn't" and Rich stopped. But I was hot and ready. I could feel the precum in my briefs.
        When the song ended and before the next one started, we were back at the bar. Strange, I wasn't feeling the alcohol as I had before. Maybe the drinks weren't as strong, I don't know. We finished our drinks and danced again. Again Rich kept grinding his hips into mine and groping me. I said nothing. We hit the bar again and this time didn't leave. I don't know how many drinks I had but I was feeling no pain when Rich said, "Let's cut out of here. Joe, we're leaving," he said to the bartender.
        "Not on your own, you're not. I'll call a cab."
        "No need. We're ok." As he spoke, I slid off the bar stool and into the floor. Strange, I still didn't feel drunk.
        "No way Jose," Joe said and Rich allowed him to call a cab.
        When we got to Rich's place, he had to help me from the cab and the two of us kept falling down and laughing as we walked to his second-floor apartment. I should say he kept falling down because I couldn't have stood if my life depended on it. When we reached his door, he was practically carrying me so he just hauled me to the bedroom and tossed me on the bed.
        He lay beside me and started running his hands over my body. I knew I shouldn't allow him, but it did feel good! Soon he was all over me, kissing me, sucking my nipples and Little Luke was not reacting as expected. I was hot and getting hotter in my mind, but still... When Rich said, "To hell with two-timing boyfriends. Two can play that game as well as one." I didn't answer because, when he said it, a knife sliced through my heart. Not only because Matt was a two-timer, but also because he was calling Matt names and I still loved Matt. God, if only I didn't. If only I could say as Rich said, "To hell with him." While I couldn't say that, I also couldn't tell Rich to stop. My mind was all mixed up and the alcohol only made it worse.
        When Rich reached down, unzipped my tight pants and slipped his hand inside my briefs, he said, "Fuck, you're so drunk you're not hard! I guess I'll have to give your cock mouth-to-cock resuscitation!
        As his hot mouth sucked Little Luke inside, I groaned. I had forgotten just what an incredible feeling that was. As he started working magic with his tongue, I groaned, then looked down... I looked down and, as I did, I saw the medallion--symbolizing Matt's and my promise made what seemed ages ago, yet as fresh as the moment--lying on my chest. I may have been stinking drunk, feeling betrayed and hot and horny as hell, but that did it. I screamed "No!" rolled off the bed and staggered toward the door.
        "Where the hell do you think you're going?" Rich shouted. "We're just having a little fun the way our boyfriends did."
        I didn't answer. I just snapped my pants--they were falling down as much as super-tight pants could--and half staggered, half ran through the door. I headed down the stairs, tripped over my own feet and rolled and tumbled down them. I picked myself up at the bottom of the stairs and walked, ran, stumbled, staggered, crawled toward my dorm. I was not only so drunk I could hardly stand, but also crying so hard I couldn't see. My Sarang Hanun Pomul had been unfaithful to me and my teacher had seduced me. But I had let Rich seduce me. It hadn't been a hard job because I had encouraged him. Hadn't I let him grope me and grind his hips into mine at the club? I was as guilty of being unfaithful as Matt. No, I was worse. I let Rich take Little Luke into his mouth. I was willing to have him make love to my body and almost let him give me a blow job. Why? Because I was drunk? Because I was horny? Because... I had to be honest with myself even though it hurt. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I was horny, but that wasn't the reason I had submitted to Rich. I did it for revenge. I wanted to get even with Matt. I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me. I had allowed my hurt, anger and feeling of betrayal to overcome my love for Matt, my promise to him, the very light of my life.
        I was nearly to the dorm, crawling on my knees, when I finally saw what I had done. My self-hatred, self-loathing overcame me and I started puking--not because I was drunk, but because of what I had done. I felt I was trying to puke up the filth and rottenness I had inside from what I had done. To make matters worse, I heard Matt's voice in my head saying over and over and over, "Luke, I don't know what I would do if you were unfaithful. I know I will never stop loving you, but I don't know how I would handle you being unfaithful. I don't know how I could handle that." Matt had been unfaithful to me. I knew that, but I kept hearing his voice saying the same thing over and over and over. "I don't know how I could handle your being unfaithful."
        I was finally able to get on my feet long enough to get up the steps at the dorm. Once inside, I passed a mirror in the hall. I was a mess. Holding onto the handrail, I got myself to my room, and had taken out my key when I saw a note sticking in the door. I took it, opened the door and went inside. I tossed the note on the bed, went to the bathroom to wash out my mouth and wash my face. When I returned, I opened the note. It was from Janet.
        "Luke,
        Douglas and I came by to see if you wanted to go to the concert. We asked a guy watching TV if he had seen you before we came up. He said you had been sitting at one of the computers, then suddenly shouted something and pounded your fist into the keyboard and left. 'It's still up,' he said. 'No-one has touched it.'
        When Douglas and I looked at the e-mail still on the screen, we were afraid you hadn't scrolled down, that you hadn't read the whole message. Sorry to invade your privacy, but we wanted to make sure you saw the whole message and knew the whole story from Matt. We printed the message and logged you out.
        We'll be in around noon to see about you. Luke, we both care about you and hope you haven't done anything more foolish than getting a little drunk.
        Janet and Douglas"
        In the envelope was the message they had printed out. I read again what I had read before, but there was more.
        "This morning while I was drying myself, he came into the bathroom. Chili Pepper was making known his need for attention. He was hard and there was no way to hide it. When Lucas reached out and took my cock in his hand, it felt so good, so damn good. He had talked so much about our jerking each other off and how he didn't see how that was not being unfaithful to you--no more unfaithful than my whacking off myself that I guess I had started believing it. Before I knew it, I was reaching for his hard, hot cock..."
        Luke, my Bright Angel, my Yonghon Tongmu, how can you forgive me? For a moment there was no question about what I would do. Then, just before my hand reached Lucas' cock, I saw your ring on my finger--'until death do us part'. I took my hand back, said to Lucas, 'You'll have to take care of that yourself. I have a soulmate.' Luke, all he did was laugh and say, 'I almost made it. I almost got a good jack off and Luke would never have known.'
        I said, 'But I would have and that's what counts, Lucas. That's what counts.'
        Yonghon Tongmu, I guess technically I was not unfaithful to you because I never actually touched Lucas, but in my heart of hearts I know I would have had I not been reminded that you mean more to me than anything in the world. Please, please forgive me, Luke. I love you so much I will die if you cannot and will not. I wanted so much to tell you this in person, but I couldn't keep it to myself and from you. I couldn't pretend it never happened.
        I know there is a possibility you won't see this until Sunday night or Monday since you are probably with Janet and Douglas. I will be in agony until I hear from you.
        A very sorry Matt"
        What had I done? Matt had not been unfaithful. He had resisted temptation at the very brink of giving in to Lucas, but he had not. Had I not done the same? No, because when I finally said no, my cock was in Rich's mouth and I was loving it. No, it wasn't the same and I couldn't convince myself otherwise. Why had I not trusted Matt's love? Why had I, cool Luke, not been able to be faithful? Why? Why? Why? I fell to the floor weeping my eyes out. Again I heard Matt's voice over and over and over in my head, getting louder and louder, except this time he was saying, "Luke, I will never stop loving you, but I can't handle your being unfaithful. I can't handle it. I love you, Luke, but it's over." His voice was pounding and pounding in my head. Another voice, my own, was screaming, "You are worthless. You had destroyed the only reason you have for living. Luke, you are worthless and have a worthless life ahead of you."
        Finally I could stand it no longer. I had to get away, run away. I rushed out of my room and into the night. It was raining and even in Florida rain is cold, and I was still dressed in nothing more than pants and an open vest.
        Matt's e-mail and the cold rain soon had me sober enough to walk and I did, aimlessly in the rain. But I wasn't able to think clearly with the voice, my own voice, screaming in my head how worthless I had made my life. I walked and ran, trying to escape, not knowing where I was or where I was going and didn't care. I finally realized I was walking down a highway, along a causeway. The wind was strong and the rain was pouring down like my tears. When I came to a bridge, I crawled under it and curled into a fetal position, making my shaking body as small as possible, but I couldn't stop the voices in my head, Matt's and my own: "Luke, I'll always love you, but you have been unfaithful," and "Luke, you have killed the only thing which makes your life worth living. You have destroyed the good in your life."
        I couldn't stand it any longer. I crawled from under the bridge and started walking again. At the next bridge, I stopped. I couldn't go on. I had taken everything from my pocket when we went to the club except my key and the fake I.D. The key I had tossed on the bed with the envelope so all I had was the fake I.D. I took it from my pocket, looked at it and realized that it was proof of a lie which had resulted in disaster so I tossed it into the dark waters of the sea as they crashed against the causeway and rushed under the bridge, but the wind caught it and blew it back over my head. It was coming back to haunt me.
        That did it. I forgot all I had learned, all the good things in my life, all the people who loved and cared for me, even Matt who said he would never stop loving me--regardless. I forgot all as I decided to wash away the voices in my head and my shame. "No-one would ever know," I thought as I took off my pants and vest, folded them and put them on the edge of the bridge. "The waves will wash me out to sea and carry away my dirty secret," I thought as I climbed atop the bridge rail.

 Part Fifty

 Matt

        I tried to call Luke when I got up late Sunday morning, but still got no answer. I was still feeling rotten about what had happened with Lucas. But I was so very, very glad that Luke's ring had stopped me before things got out of hand--or I guess, more correctly, in hand--as I showered and got ready for Mass.
        As I walked to All Saints', I thought to myself, "I sure will miss the music when I get back home". Woody had asked that I play for the service and I had rehearsed with the orchestra made up of students from all the music programs and it was great.
        I had lunch with Woody and Stinky and when we finished, Stinky said, "Why don't we have a last swim before the performance this evening?" We spent a couple hours swimming and then sitting on the bank of the river talking. I hadn't intended to tell them what a fool I had been, but the two had been so close to me that I suddenly found myself telling them about the last week, including the episode in the bathroom Saturday morning. By the time I finished, I was crying like a baby. Woody put his arms around me and hugged me tightly and said, "Matt, to be honest, you fared better than I feared you might. No real damage was done, was there?"
        I looked at him and said, "Woody, I guess I keep thinking that the lust in my heart was as bad as doing something about it."
        "I'm sure that Luke would disagree and, even if he doesn't, your love for each other will win in the end. It's too powerful to let one mistake overcome it." I felt better but, even at that, I still felt rotten about what I had done. "You're not going to let this wreck your performance this evening are you?" Woody asked.
        The thought had never occurred to me but as soon as Woody asked, I started bawling again. Through my tears I said, "Woody, I'm playing an excerpt from 'Yonghon Tongmu' that I have transcribed and re-written for the organ. I can't do it."
        "Yes, you can and you will, Matt. Too much depends on it. As long as you perform, you'll have times when your life seems a mess and you perform anyway. That's what separates the greats from the wannabees."
        When we reached the campus, I went to my room and took a nap--or rather tried to. My old faithful escape from reality failed me and I just lay on my bed thinking about what I would say to Luke. I realized, again, that it would be two weeks in hell before I saw him. I wondered if I had made the right choice by writing him about what had happened. I mean I knew I would tell him but, the more I thought about it, the more having written an e-mail seemed to have been a bad idea. Little did I know just how very unwise it was and how soon I would be living in hell because of it.
        It was finally time for me to get dressed for the closing dinner and the performance before it. As I dressed, I told myself that my performance had to be great because it was my way of telling the world how much I loved my Bright Angel, and of telling him how sorry I was for the pain I had caused him. I started to call him before I left for the performance, but decided against it. I didn't need any more emotional load than I was carrying already.
        The whole performance went well; some parts were better than others, of course. After all, all sorts of people were playing and singing. And while I was crying silent tears all the time I was playing, I knew I had done pretty good. The applause was great and welcome when I finished. The performance was followed by a reception and many people came to speak to me and tell me how much they enjoyed the piece and how well I played. But they were just people. As the reception was winding down, Woody and Stinky came up--I had wondered where they had been--and hugged me. "Magnificent, magnificent," Stinky said and Woody added, "Boy, you did yourself proud. We're holding a small celebration in my room after dinner and you are invited."
        Dinner was a festive occasion. Awards were handed out for some of the programs, but not for mine. There was a short--very short--speech by the vice-chancellor thanking all who had, once again, made the music program a success. Dr. Camp just said, "You have heard the performance and that says it all for the music program. Thanks."
        After dinner, several people wanted to talk to me--telling me how well I had played and how much they had enjoyed the composition. Several asked about copies of the video of the concert--fortunately Anthony had sent me the address and business cards with all the information for ordering it. It was a good twenty or so minutes before I was able to leave for Woody's apartment.
        When I arrived, only Woody and Stinky were present. "Where is everybody?" I asked.
        Stinky looked around the room and said, "They're all right here. Woody and I wanted you to ourselves tonight." Woody had been pouring wine and when he handed it to me I saw it was champagne. "Here's to the best young organist I have ever met and to a better than good composer," he said, and he and Woody raised their glasses.
        "You don't know how much I treasure those words," I said. "You two have taught me more than I can ever tell you this summer--some of it was about being an organist but, most important, about being human. Here's to two fine mentors." After that we talked about the summer, went over the performance and then discussed my future.
        "Matt, I hope you will take seriously Woody's suggestion that you forget about engineering. It's a demanding course and your studies at Oberlin will also be demanding. If you can learn something about organ building, you will be a very valuable person in the organ community and you need not worry about making a living. You will live well."
        We talked about that at length. Finally Woody said, "I don't want to take a thing away from Millie. She was good and I bet she still is. She has done an amazing job teaching you but, let's face it, Concord is a small town. Your exposure to the wider world has been limited. And, while I hate to bring up a painful subject, that's also true of your being a gay man. The value of the Sewanee programs--even isolated on God's Holy Mountain," both men smiled, "is exposure to a wider world. Some of it has been painful: learning not to be a whore--organ and, dare I say it, maybe otherwise--comes to mind. You are a great talent and a great man. Never forget that and never be less. End of sermon." The rest of the evening was spent listening to the two old friends tell tales--half of which may have been true.
        When it was almost time to go, Woody said, "Matt, be sure and get in touch as soon as you get to Ohio".
        "I will, I promise. And I expect you to spend some time at the lake when we are all there."
        "Matt, keep in touch with me. I'm not close enough to just hop up to the lake but, then again, I just might one day. I do have some things I am thinking about and will let you know as soon as I can check them out. And do let us know what happens between you and Luke. I'm certain it will come out ok, but I'd like to know that."
        We all three hugged each other, said goodnight, and I walked across campus feeling as though I was leaving friends I had known for ages. How good they had been to me.
        When I reached the room, I took a deep breath--the sick feeling I had felt before came back--and dialed Luke's number. There still was no answer. Well, I guess if I had a choice of spending the night in a dorm alone or being with friends, I'd stay with friends as long as possible. I knew that Douglas drove in just in time for the first session each day and I suspect all three decided that was a good idea.
        I didn't go to sleep quickly. In fact, at 2:00 a.m. I was still tossing and turning, thinking about all the possible ways Luke could respond to my letter and none of them were good. I really wished I had waited until I saw him or at least talked to him on the phone--but I guess it was just proof that eighteen-year-olds are not nearly as grown as we like to think. Sometime before 3:00 I finally drifted off to sleep only to wake up again and again just as, in a dream, I was about to take Lucas' cock in my hand. The last time I remember waking up was at 5:30 and the predawn light was visible outside.
        It was 12:30 when I was awakened by the sun streaming through my window. I had overslept. Luke would be in his workshop or at lunch so there was no use trying to call him. I had planned to leave at 8:30 so I was very late, but was still determined to drive straight through. Mom and Dad wouldn't expect me until Tuesday, but I wanted to get home, needed to get home. I took a very quick shower, grabbed the last of my things--I had put most in the Jeep yesterday--and dashed out of the dorm. It took less than fifteen minutes to turn in my key and be checked out. I was on my way just after 1:30
        I had taken a scenic route to Sewanee expecting to enjoy the mountains. I did, but it had made leaving Luke no less painful. Now I was in a rush to get home, so I took the most direct route and as many interstate highways as possible. I only stopped for gas and drive-thrus to get some food and drink. I made the trip home in eight hours. I noticed the Andrews' place was dark as I passed and, as I approached it, saw mine was as well. The Larsens' house was all lit, so I drove past my own place to Luke's.
        When I went inside, Mom grabbed me and hugged me tightly, her eyes full of tears. She finally let me go and said slowly, "Matt, Luke's missing". I fainted.
        When I came to, I was lying on the sofa in the den with Margaret leaning over me. She handed me something and said simply, "Matt, drink this" .Dad was standing beside her.
        When I finished what she had handed me, I looked around and didn't see Jens and Gabrielle. "What's going on? Will someone tell me what's going on? Where's Jens and Gabrielle?" I pleaded.
        "David has taken Jens and Gabrielle to Jackson to catch a plane to Florida. We don't know what is going on otherwise," Dad answered. "This morning Janet called and said she had stayed with Douglas all weekend and when they came in for the workshop, Luke didn't show up. At the break, they rushed to Luke's dorm and found his room open. They expected to find it ransacked, but his key and wallet were on his bed along with an e-mail from you they had printed out Saturday when they had driven into town for a concert. There was no sign of Luke. They went back to the workshop and asked Mr. Smith about Luke, and he said he hadn't seen him since Friday's class. When they told him Luke had left them a note saying he was going out with him Saturday night, Mr. Smith said he didn't know anything about it."
        "They called the campus police, who checked the sculpture studio and learned Luke had worked there until after lunch and had left and did not return. Finally, the campus police called the city police and they started their own investigation since Luke had been, apparently, missing since Saturday afternoon. Janet and Douglas talked to them about the previous weekend when, it seems, Luke had gone out to a gay club and gotten drunk. That was where he had said he was going with Mr. Smith Saturday night. Mr. Smith denied that as well, saying, 'You know how kids like to tell tales about their exploits. I don't know what he was talking about.' Finally Janet remembered part of the name of the club and the police checked it out. Seems no-one working then had worked Saturday night but, when they went to the house of the bartender on duty Saturday night, he remembered Luke and Mr. Smith being there. In fact, he said they both were drunk--especially the younger one-- and when they decided to leave, he had insisted on calling a cab. According to him, it was some time well after midnight when they left. He said he always called the same cab company when someone had too much to drink, and gave the police the name."
        "The cab company looked at the log and found no cab going to Luke's dorm. When the police gave the dispatcher Mr. Smith's address, they found a log entry. The police contacted the cab driver and he remembered the two well. "They were both drunk, but the younger one was really drunk. He had to be helped out of the cab," he told them. Asked what the young man had been wearing, the cabbie raised an eyebrow and said, "Very little. He had on very tight black leather pants and an open black leather vest. It wasn't much, especially since it had started raining."
        "Confronted by the police, Mr. Smith admitted taking Luke to the club, including the fact that Luke had a fake I.D. and had been drinking heavily. Since he had lied previously, they took him in custody for further questioning. All he added was that Luke had gotten angry and left his place sometime early in the morning--between 2:00 and 3:00 he thought, but wasn't sure. 'That's the last I saw of him,' he said. Apparently, that was the last anyone saw of him."
        Just after Dad finished speaking, the phone rang. He answered it, listened for a few minutes and said, "Thank you," and hung up. "The police have found Luke's fake I.D. and what they assume are his pants and vest on the causeway crossing an inlet from the gulf. That's all they know beyond what we have been told already." I fainted again.
        When I came to, I was crying and heard myself saying over and over again, "It's my fault. It's all my fault." I didn't know how long I had been unconscious, crying or speaking. When I looked up, I saw Margaret holding a needle which, obviously, she had just used on me.
        I guess what she had given me made it possible for me to gain some control because I stopped the babbling and just sat weeping silently. Mom and Dad were sitting beside me and Dad said, "Matt, tell us what you know. What is your fault? Why is it your fault?"
        By the time Dad had finished, the shot had taken full effect. I felt as if I was speaking, but not really there. No, I felt like I was in a dream telling about something that had happened to someone else. Anyway, slowly, and in a voice which sometimes slurred words and paused for me to think of a word, I told them the whole story of Lucas. I didn't hold back anything, including how I had almost started jerking him off and wanted him to get my rocks off. When I had finished telling them that, I said, "Mom, Dad, I had been honest with Luke about everything that had happened to that point and I wanted to talk to him in person about that. I tried phoning him, but I finally wrote him an e-mail. I now know that was foolish. I should have waited until I could talk to him, at least on the phone. I have thought about it a lot and I guess I took the easy way out by e-mailing him."
        "Mom, Dad, I betrayed Luke. I was unfaithful to him and now he's gone. I don't know where, I don't know what he has done. I am scared. I am frightened. I am ashamed. I feel filthy and dirty. I hate myself." I had been in control to that point, but no shot would have stopped the tears which started or the self-loathing I felt inside. I just cried and cried, all the time saying, "Luke forgive me. Come back to me, Luke. I can't live without you."
        Dad said--his voice sounded far off--"Matt, you are over-reacting. You actually did nothing. Maybe you wanted to, but your loyalty to Luke stopped you."
        The shot was doing its job and I couldn't say what I was thinking but, to myself I thought, "Dad, that's logical and rational, I'm sure, but this is not a physics problem. It's all emotional and I don't see any logic at all, just hurt, pain, betrayal and I have messed up big time."
        Mom was rocking me slowly in her arms, humming that Korean lullaby she had sung to me as a child, but I just became more and more out of control. Finally I heard Margaret say, as if she were far away, "I hoped the smaller dose would do the job, but it didn't". I felt the prick of a needle and I entered blessed oblivion in seconds.

 Luke

         As I walked, I had thought about what my first attempt at taking my life had taught me, all the pain it had caused and all the love I had been shown since, but it was not enough. Maybe what I had decided to do was illogical and foolish. I knew it would hurt the Fellowship and the Family, and Matt, but I was convinced I had destroyed any possibility of keeping Matt's love--no, not his love, but Matt. My life was worthless, not worth living, and I knew it. I was filthy inside and hated myself. Full of self-loathing, I climbed atop the bridge rail.
        As soon as I was atop the rail, I gave one last thought to Matt and said, "I love you, Matthew Sarang Hanun Pomul Greywolf," and leaned over to throw myself into the sea. As I did, I felt an arm about my waist which yanked me back and then lifted me from the rail. As soon as my feet were on the ground, two strong hands on my shoulders turned me around. I was facing an Indian. I knew that, but where did he come from? Why was he here? What was he doing? I had been all alone and suddenly out of nowhere an Indian--well, he wore regular clothes, but I knew he was an Indian--had pulled me back from the brink of death.
        "Nothing in this world is bad enough for a young man to seek death," he said. "Nothing." I didn't answer. I couldn't. This was all like a dream. I think I must have fainted because the next thing I knew I was being carried to an eighteen-wheeler. Still naked, I was half-frozen from the rain. Inside, the strange man found a towel and dried me, then wrapped me in a blanket and put me in the sleeper without saying another word. As I gradually grew warm again, I couldn't keep sleep from my eyes. The drone of the truck speeding down the highway was like a lullaby and soon I was fast asleep.
        I don't know how long I slept but when I woke up it was dawn--or maybe dusk--I wasn't sure as I peeked out of the sleeper. The driver looked in his mirror and when he saw me said, "I've been drunk before and slept for twelve straight hours, but I have never stripped to take a dive into the gulf. What's wrong with you, Boy? You crazy, stupid, or what? Do you have a name?"
        "Luke, Luke Larsen."
        "Well, Luke, you were about to do a damn foolish thing last night. Damn foolish. I can't think of anything half as foolish as killing yourself. Problems, even big problems, can be solved but there's no solution in or for death. Too many people I know have tried and too many have made it. I know, I know it doesn't solve anything and creates one living hell for those you leave behind. You don't look like a stupid, selfish person who has no love in his heart, but you damn sure were acting like it. Want to come up front and tell me about it? You've got nothing else to do for the next few hours before we stop."
        I slid into the front seat and didn't say anything at first, then said, "If we don't stop soon, I'm going to be hurting, really hurting. I've got to piss."
        "Good. Maybe I should let you suffer for a while since that lets you know you failed at making a complete fool of yourself. If you've got to piss, you are still alive. That's good." He pulled over as soon as he could and said, "Hit the woods and piss."
        I hopped out of the truck and ran for the woods, clutching the blanket around me. And I sure did need to piss.
        When I finished, I climbed back into the truck and said, "I don't know your name."
        "Taequo. Taequo Wayadisi--Running-wolf in English."
        "You're a Native American?" I asked, knowing the answer I thought.
        "Yeah, I was born here. Weren't you?"
        "Yea, but what I meant was..."
        "Am I an Indian? Sure. Pretty obvious isn't it? But aren't you trying to avoid the issue?" He didn't say any more and I was also silent. We continued down the road with Taequo picking up his mike from time to time to talk to other truckers. I guess he was just ignoring me. Why shouldn't he? I knew I was hardly worth thinking about.
        Later, when he picked up his mike and started talking, I began paying attention when I heard him say, "Yea, Al, I've got a beautiful young man sitting beside me as naked as a jay bird. Damn right I said he's beautiful... Well, I did kinda pick him up, but not the way you mean... I could only wish, but I'm afraid he's not into older men. Anyway, he needs underwear, pants and a shirt and I think Chris is a perfect match for him... Hell no, he's ten times better looking than Chris, so find some clean clothes for him before I get ideas. That is if that Chris has any clean clothes. I'll pull into Walmart just ahead and we'll get clothes on him... Well, since we'll be at Walmart we can get him shoes... No, don't know his story, but it must be a beaut from where I picked him up... Ok, see you in fifteen."
        Fifteen minutes later, Taequo pulled into a Walmart parking lot and was soon joined by another eighteen-wheeler. A tall gangly man and one my size got out and started walking toward Taequo's rig. The shorter fellow was carrying some clothes. Taequo introduced them as Al and Chris. Chris tossed the clothes to me and Taequo said, "Crawl in the sleeper and get dressed, then we'll think about shoes.
        I did as I was told while the three stood outside the truck and talked. When I was dressed, I slid into the front seat again and Al said, "People will think we're damn fools walking into Walmart with a barefoot boy. What size shoes do you wear, Luke?"
        "Tens," I replied.
        "Chris, get the boy some shoes," Taequo said and tossed Chris some money. While he was gone, I heard Taequo telling Al where he had picked me up. "Damn fool kid was about to drown himself," I heard him say.
        Al walked over to the open door of the truck and said, "Luke, wouldn't solve anything and would sure as hell create a lot more problems for those left behind. Of course, you would have proved you were too chicken to face real life and wouldn't know. How do I know? I tried it. I've been there and I know it big time. I lost my first real love to AIDS several years ago and decided to end it all the slow way--with alcohol. It didn't work fast enough when I found out I was HIV+ so I tried alcohol and sleeping pills. Almost made it, but Chris found me passed out and nearly dead. He got me to the hospital and I survived. I'm still HIV+, but show no signs of full-blown AIDS and I found Chris. He, too, is HIV+ but, by damn, we are both living and loving."
        "I tried it too--before I mean--and knew it was selfish and would hurt a lot of people, but I just couldn't stand being the rotten human being I am."
        "Can't be too rotten. You don't smell," he laughed. "How long before you have to stop driving today?" he asked Taequo.
        "Another hour. Was thinking about a motel rather than the sleeper tonight. How about you and Chris?"
        "We're good for another eight to ten hours since Chris has slept a good part of the day and he can drive and I'll crawl in the sleeper. But we'll stop for a while if you like. We've got to eat." The two continued talking and named a motel where Taequo would stop for the night. They had just finished talking when Chris came back with shoes and socks and I was finally dressed.
        "Eat at the truck stop?" Chris asked.
        "Yea," Taequo said, "and then you and Al are joining me and Luke for a little prayer meeting." Chris laughed.
        When we were back on the highway, Taequo said, "Gay truck drivers sometimes live a hard life. Lots of redneck drivers, but there are also some really great guys--gay and straight--pushing freight. There's two of them. I didn't think Al would make it. After his partner Andy died, he was able to drink and drive for a while, but soon it was all drinking and no driving. He hired Chris to operate his rig and took just enough to keep himself in drink. He owned his house and Chris moved in when he started driving for Al. One day Chris was supposed to make a run, but a shipment got held up and he decided to go by the house and sleep until he could leave. That's when he found Al. Al was rushed to the hospital and went from there to the detox center then a half-way house. Chris took short hauls so he would be in town more often and spent every spare minute with Al. When Al got back home, he said to Chris, 'Chris, I wouldn't be alive today if you hadn't found me, and I don't think I would care if you were not here'. Al told me Chris just looked at him, smiled and said, 'Not sure I'd care about being alive if you weren't here'. That's when the two of them found out the other was HIV+. Chris had never told Al he also had a partner die with AIDS--those years were really rough on us gays--even those of us who didn't get the virus. We had so many friends and lovers die. Well, those two tough, macho truck drivers finally said the L word and have been together ever since. Believe me, they both know how precious every day is."
        "You're gay?"
        "Yea, and without a partner and have been for some time now. It's a lonely life, but I can always hope. Maybe even keep a throw-away kid I pick up on a bridge," Taequo laughed then immediately said, "Don't take that seriously, Luke, although you are a damn beautiful piece of humanity."
        "I'm gay," I said softly.
        "I know," Taequo replied and we both fell silent. Any further conversation would have to wait as we pulled into a truck stop.
        I had always heard that truck stops had good food. I don't know if it was the fact that I hadn't eaten in over twenty-four hours and had upchucked anything I had eaten before, or if the food was really as good as it seemed. I wolfed down enough for two people my size. I had just finished when Al said, "Luke, the one difference between being dead and alive is who's food. Had you had your way, you'd be food for worms and fish by now rather than eating. They'd be yelling to all their buddies, 'Hey, come here, we've found a nice, tender Luke steak'. Seems to me that makes the choice pretty damn straightforward." I almost gagged at the thought but he was right, of course.
        The motel was just down the road. Taequo knew the woman at the desk and made a point of telling her he wanted a double with two beds. Penny, the desk clerk, laughed, "Young man, I know Taequo is gay but I'd trust him with my own son who's as good looking as you".
        "Obviously takes after his father," Taequo kidded. "But one of these days, Penny, I'm going to come in here with a hunk you will lust after and demand one bed."
        "And I'm the Virgin Mary," she laughed in reply.
        We went to the room and were soon joined by Chris and Al. "Ok, it's prayer meeting time," Taequo said. I felt very uneasy. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind for some religious something. "What's the meaning of the stupid, dumb-ass thing you were about to do, Luke?"
        I sat with my head down, staring at the floor. None of the three broke the silence. Finally I decided I may as well tell the whole story and started from the day I had swallowed the pills and dived into the river and ended with feeling Taequo's arm around my waist, pulling me back from a second suicide attempt. I hardly need to say I was crying like a baby.
        The three hadn't said a word and still sat silently until Chris got up, came to where I was sitting on the bed, put his arms around me and held me close. Finally he said, "Luke, you have to be pretty dense to have tried to do away with yourself a second time. Didn't you learn anything the first time?" I didn't answer. What could I say? After another silence, he continued, "Luke, Matt, your family and your friends love you--will always love you--and you just about told them to shove their love up their ass because you got yourself in a mess. They all must know you are missing by now and have to be beside themselves with worry. You have been hurt, or thought you had been hurt, and you wanted to hurt in return. Most of all, you wanted to hurt--kill--yourself because of what you had done. But what had you really done? You need to think about that. But your family and friends are hurting because, regardless of what you might have done or might not have done, they love you. Remember, Matt said he would never stop loving you. Do you believe that?"
        I was crying again so all I could do was nod my head against his chest. "Then you need to let him and them know you are safe. You can deal with all the other shit--and you've created a big pile of it--later but, right now, call them."
        I don't know why, but I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect when I called. I didn't want to have to face what I had done, even on the phone. "I can't. Please, I can't. I'm no good. I can't."
        "Cut the shit! You can and you will," Al said. His voice left no doubt that one way or another, I was going to call home. I picked up the phone and dialed my number. The phone only rang once and I heard Greywolf's voice. "Greywolf," I said and started crying again. "It's Luke," I finally got out, "I'm safe". I started to hang up the phone when Taequo took it from me and said, "Greywolf, this is Taequo Wayadisi. I'm Tsalagi [Cherokee]. Luke is here with me. It's a long story, but he is safe. Are his parents there...? Well, get in touch with them and tell them Luke is safe. We're spending the night outside Columbia. If someone could meet us in Jackson tomorrow, I could bring him there. It's not out of my way too much. If not, I'll bring him to Concord... Probably about noon. I'll call you when I can give you a better guestimate... No, he's not been harmed in any way--well, emotionally he's a wreck but physically he's ok... Yea, just tell him that Luke loves him and always will and that they will get their problems worked out... Right, that exit on the Interstate will be great. Call you tomorrow."
        Al and Chris stayed a few minutes after the phone call, gave me their address and asked that I stay in touch. Then Al said, "Chris, Babe, time to hit the road". Both hugged me and Taequo, wished me luck and were gone.
        When they had gone, Taequo said, "You'd never think it, suffering as they have, but you have just met two of the happiest men in the world. Both know that sooner or later AIDS will get first one and then the other and maybe that's why they are so happy. They know every single day they have together counts and that it will end when one goes so, in the meantime, they intend to make the most of it. Maybe we all would be better off if we remembered we only have a limited time on this earth to love, even you and Matt. Maybe if we remembered that, we'd not be damn fool enough to try to shorten it." He was silent for a while, then said, "Well, you slept all day but I've been working so I'm hitting the shower and the bed."
        Taequo took a long shower--he sang in the shower, some Indian song, I think--came out in his birthday suit, crawled into bed and said, "Sweet dreams, Luke". He was sound asleep when I finished my shower and slid into bed.
        As he said, I had slept all day and didn't expect to go to sleep at once, but I guess the combination of events and telling my story had also been hard work because I was asleep in minutes--but not for long.
        I waked up from a dream screaming and Taequo was beside me in seconds, hugging me. "What's wrong, Luke?" he asked.
        "I was having a nightmare. I dreamed I was face down, ass in the air, on a bed and Rich was fucking me and I was screaming for him to fuck me faster and deeper. Between screaming for him to fuck me, I was saying, 'That'll show you, Matt Greywolf'."
        "It was a bad dream, Luke. There's a bad spirit torturing you. Don't let it." He held me until I relaxed and then went back to his bed.
        I wondered to myself, "How do I get rid of a bad spirit? How can I ever be clean again?" I tossed and turned for a long time and then fell asleep a second time only to have the nightmare return. I waked up, apparently without screaming because Taequo was still asleep. I got up, walked to his bed and, as I had done as a little boy when I had nightmares, slid in beside him as I had Dad, spooning myself into his back. I was asleep in minutes and slept until he woke me up in the morning saying, "If you want breakfast, you better get pants on. Even truck stops have some rules about dress."
        We ate--and I ate like a wolf again--and hit the road. Taequo never mentioned my crawling in bed with him and neither did I. For the next several hours, I listened to Taequo talk about his hopes and dreams and I would have talked about mine, but I knew so much depended upon Matt and his reaction to my being unfaithful that I really had no hopes or dreams beyond re-establishing our relationship.
        "We'll be in Jackson in ten minutes," he said at length. "I said prayers to the Great Spirit for you, Luke. Listen to Greywolf. Much healing is needed and he will guide you. Do keep in touch. And remember you are special. I know that and maybe one day you will know it fully. You have power... Well, here we are and our trails separate for a time but they will cross again, maybe very soon. I know that." He pulled into a truck stop and I saw the Greywolfs' van and Greywolf beside it.
        Taequo and I got out of the truck and walked toward the van. When we reached it, Greywolf grabbed me and hugged me, then he and Taequo greeted each other. Taequo said, "Luke, run inside and get me a couple bottles of cold water and get something for yourself". As I turned to leave I saw Greywolf and he were deep in conversation.

 Janet

         It was odd that Luke didn't show up for Monday's workshop so Douglas and I went looking for him as soon as we had a break. When we saw his door open, we expected to see his room ransacked, but it wasn't. The campus police got involved, then the city police and finally everything came out. Well, most everything. Luke had gone to the club with Rich--Rich lied about that--and had gotten drunk. As soon as we learned that, Douglas said, "Janet, he hadn't read the whole letter and thought Matt had cheated on him". I nodded. It seemed clear to me too.
        Suddenly I remembered our conversation on the plane and told Douglas about it. "Douglas, I'm afraid of what Luke might have done." I was almost in tears and Douglas held me and tried to reassure me, but he wasn't very convincing even to himself.
        The police had picked up Rich from his afternoon session and left word at my dorm that they wanted to talk to me. I told them everything I knew--about the letter and Luke's previous suicide attempt. The officer wasn't any more reassuring than Douglas had been. He said the Larsens had been called and were on their way down. He wanted to know if we'd like to be there to meet them. We both nodded and he said he'd send a car and officer around to pick us up at my dorm.
        We went back to the dorm and did the only thing we could do, wait. When the officer came to pick us up, we got in the car and, on the way to the airport, he got a radio message. Luke had been found and was safe. That's all the police knew at the moment. "Think I'll let you give his mom and dad the good news," the officer said. "They'll only expect something bad if I start to tell them."
        Needless to say, Luke's parents were ecstatic when they heard the news and were asking a thousand questions, none of which we could answer. Finally Luke's mom said, "Thank God, at least we know he is safe".
        We went to the police station with them and found out that Rich was being held. Luke's dad asked some questions and the officer said he didn't know whether Rich could be charged with anything since Luke had gotten the fake I.D. himself so far as they knew and, with it, they couldn't do anything about Rich buying him drinks. "Well, maybe we could since he had him in class and should have known his age. But that's about it. Even the teacher-student laws may not apply since it would be hard to prove Rich had something to hold over Luke's head like grades. Frankly, Mr. Larsen, if Luke were my son, I'd want Rich locked up for the rest of his life but, to be honest, you will probably have better luck teaching him a lesson dealing with the school."
        While the officer was talking to us, his phone rang and when he answered he said, "It's a Mr. Greywolf. He has news of Luke."
        When Mr. Larsen hung up the phone, he told us Luke had been picked up by a trucker and they were spending the night in a motel near Columbia. Greywolf would pick him up tomorrow in Jackson. "I guess we need to find a motel because I want to talk to college officials tomorrow before we leave," Mr. Larsen said.
        "You'll do nothing of the kind," Douglas said quickly. "You're coming to my house. We'll take care of you. Luke is a good friend and we'll not have his parents in a motel. I'll call home and tell them we'll have two guests for dinner."
        Douglas' parents were often off doing whatever wealthy people do and seldom had dinner at home, so I hardly knew them. However, they canceled whatever they were planning for the evening and had dinner with us. Nonetheless, the maid had barely cleared the table when they said, "Excuse us, but if we rush we can make our after-dinner engagement".
        After they had gone, Douglas asked the Larsens if they wanted to go to their room, swim or visit. When they said they'd like to visit, to see what we thought about the school and Luke, Douglas said, "We can stay down here or, if you like, my place is more comfortable".
        "I hope the maid got your dirty clothes off the floor," I laughed.
        "Ask her. She'll tell you I am very neat in my space. Besides, you know that from all the time you've spent here." Lupe, the maid, walked in as he spoke and said, "Douglas is my boy and I trained him well". I had already learned that Douglas was hers. He felt more like she was his mom than his real mom.  Douglas showed the Larsens to his room and got wine for them and sodas for us. Finally, I suppose, Mr. Larsen could stand it no longer and said, "Janet, Douglas, was something going on with Luke and Mr. Smith?"
        Both of us started to answer, then Douglas nodded to me. "There may have been--I mean you never can know everything--but if there was, Luke hid it well. All he could ever talk about was Matt and how much he missed him. But, no, I'm sure there wasn't, as sure as I could be without knowing Luke's every move."
        "I think I would definitely have known and I am positive there was not. After Luke went to the club the first time with Rich, he talked about their dancing and how all he could think of was how much he missed Matt and how he wished he was with him rather than Rich," Douglas added. "I think what happened was that Luke read only part of Matt's e-mail, decided Matt had cheated on him and Rich called him or he called Rich and they went out and something happened. I'm sure that's what took place. What happened with Rich I can only guess."
        We talked about Luke a while longer then the Larsens wanted to know about me and Douglas. Douglas said he was staying at home and going to Ringling for his education as an artist. I told the Larsens that since I met Douglas I wanted to switch schools and Rich was supposed to be working on getting me into Ringling, but I guessed that wasn't going to happen now. When I said that, Mr. Larsen said, "Are you sure you want to do that?" I told him I did and he said, "Maybe something good will come out of this yet". I didn't know what he meant.
        The next morning, Mr. Larsen said we had an appointment with the president of the school. "We?", Douglas asked.
        "We," Mr. Larsens replied. "I was first referred to some dean or other, but I said I had wanted to talk with the president, but I would send my lawyer to talk with the dean if the president was too busy. I've learned a few things from my boss," he laughed.
        "We've heard tales about Millie," I said.
        "All true, I'm sure, and there's more to be told," Mrs. Larsen said with a smile.
        The president was all apology until Mr. Larsen said, "You can cut the crap, Dr. Winthrop. My son had a fake I.D. which Mr. Smith helped him obtain, he was taken to a club twice--again by Mr. Smith--where he got drunk although he is underage, and something happened in Mr. Smith's apartment while Luke was so drunk he had to be helped out of the cab. So let's just cut to the chase. What are you going to do?"
        "Mr. Smith will, of course, have to face a committee of the faculty senate and the outcome will depend on their decision. At the moment I can't tell you what that will be."
        "Dr. Winthrop, I suspect you would like very much to have this not get into the papers but, I can tell you, I am not satisfied with some future action by a faculty senate. I will go to court if necessary and I will sue this school for all it's worth. Now I might be willing to do otherwise if I can get some satisfaction here and now. You know Mr. Smith's contract and know what you can do. Suppose you tell me what you can do today before I leave this office. Otherwise, we are wasting time and I need to find a lawyer."
        "Of course, of course. Should this get into the papers your son's reputation would be damaged and I know you don't want that to happen. Perhaps we can work something out."
        "Apparently you don't hear well, Dr. Winthrop. It's your school that will suffer if this is not settled right now."
        "Well, of course, we will refund your tuition for the summer as well as the room and board even though it was Luke who decided to leave."
        "I can see we're getting nowhere. You are wasting my time. You are trying to shift the blame to Luke. Perhaps he was foolish for trusting a teacher, but aren't students supposed to? I believe there are statutes covering teacher-student relationships even when the student is over eighteen. Maybe I just need to spell out what you will do to save time."
        Luke had laughed once about his dad being a book-keeper twenty-four/seven and I knew what he meant as Mr. Larsen laid out his demands. "One, you will, of course, give a complete refund which will be applied to Miss Lake's"--he was talking about me!--"room and board next year. That and her complete scholarship will make life easier for her."
        "Oh, of course I didn't realize she would be a regular student this fall," Dr. Winthrop said. "And on a complete scholarship. That's very rare, very rare indeed."
        "You know it now, so you need to get the paperwork done. It's her reward for helping Luke and is one of the conditions."
        "I see," Dr. Winthrop said, somewhat crestfallen.
        "Second, Mr. Smith is to be dismissed from the faculty immediately. I'm sure there is a moral grounds clause in his contract or some such. You don't need a faculty senate vote. And don't try the old dodge of just allowing him to resign--which I understand is the usual policy of academia. It avoids lawsuits, but turns teachers loose to do the same thing again."
        "That could ruin his career," Dr. Winthrop said in a pleading tone.
        "I suspect a lawsuit might do the same for the school--especially after it pays the damages I am sure any jury of parents would grant."
        "Well, I understand Mr. Smith is ready to tender his resignation."
        "Fire him," Mr. Larsen said in an icy voice.
        "Very well, if you think it is necessary."
        "Finally, you are to write two letters to Luke. One is to be a letter of apology and there is not to be any glossing over the situation. Luke bears some blame in this mess--after all he is eighteen--but the teacher-student relationship is sacred in our family so Mr. Smith must bear the brunt of it, and therefore the school which hired him. The second, and I suggest you might like to have Miss Lake and Douglas--Mr. Rhys--help, since they saw Luke's work and know what he did, will state that you regret Luke had to leave and give an account of what he had done up until his leaving."
        "We are going to collect Luke's things and get them ready to ship home, have lunch and be on the 4:00 o'clock plane. I want all the paperwork done and certified copies of all of it in my hands before I leave. You can have them delivered to the airport since that will give you more time to get everything done. In the meantime, while Mrs. Larsen is gathering Luke's things, I will make arrangements for a lawyer to file the necessary papers should I not have proof that you are going to honor the conditions. Good morning, Dr. Winthrop. By the way, we will have Luke's things packed by 3:00. I suggest you make arrangements to have them shipped--today."
        When we got outside, Douglas could hardly contain himself. "Wow, I guess you have learned a few things from Millie." He then grabbed me and kissed me flat out on the mouth and said, "Janet, welcome to Ringling!" It was only then I realized what Mr. Larsen had meant last night and that he had, in a sentence or two, changed my life.
        Douglas and I helped pack Luke's things. When we had finished, it seemed there was something missing and I couldn't think why I felt that way or what was missing. Just before I closed the door, I happened to glance at Luke's bedside table and remembered Matt's picture hadn't been there. I went back into the room and looked carefully and found it on the floor, shattered. It was obvious Luke had thrown it against the wall.
        Over lunch, I thanked Mr. Larsen profusely for what he had done for me. "I'm afraid the cost was very high," I added.
        "Janet, the cost was high, but nothing would change that. Luke grew up in a very small town. He has had no experience outside of small-town life. But, even at that, he should have known better than to do as he did. He has suffered greatly the past few months and now he is suffering more--much of it brought on himself by his own actions. Maybe he will learn the world can be pretty cruel, but I hope he doesn't decide it's out to get him. The cost was high, but there was some good out of it," he smiled.
        "Well, you didn't have to do what you did and I appreciate it."
        "Janet, you and Douglas," he laughed, "--even with that hair, Douglas--have been good friends to Luke. What I did is a way of showing appreciation to you, Janet, and I think at the same time to Douglas."
        "You're sure right about that!" Douglas said and smiled at me.
        "By the way, Janet, if there is any--and I mean any--flack given you in an attempt to make life hard for you at Ringling, let me know. If I can't handle it, I'll send Millie."
        "Bringing out the big guns," Douglas said.
        "Until you have seen Millie in action, you don't know how big," Mrs. Larsen said. She paused a moment and then asked, "What are you two doing after the program?"
        "I'm supposed to go to Europe with my mom and dad," Douglas said. "In theory it is to give us quality time together, but I know how it will be. It will be as always. They will have an agenda which holds absolutely no interest for me and I'll suggest I spend the days in museums and other art-related places and they will agree, relieved that I'm not with them, and we'll come home. It happens every year."
        "I'll go home, get ready to come back and find a way to avoid being caught in the middle of my mother's and father's continuing divorce. You know how it is, 'Marriage is with you until the divorce and the divorce is with you forever'. They'll fight over which one has me for the rest of the summer--all the time hoping the other wins."
        "Doesn't sound like either of you are looking forward to a happy summer's end," Mrs. Larsen said. Both Douglas and I nodded.
        "Well, I can't really issue an invitation since I am not part of the corporation, but I think the Board of Directors of the Oberlin Five might like to have the two of you come to Ohio when we are all there. Should be some work and a lot of fun--unless you really mind parents--and there's another plus. As Eugene's mom, Millie will be there."
        "Sounds great," Douglas said. I agreed.
        "I'll see if I can work on the Board," Mrs. Larsen laughed. "Hey, we better get to the airport. We've got someone to meet."
        Mr. Larsen paid the check and we were on our way to the airport.
        The Larsens checked in and we went to the gate to wait for their flight. A man was waiting for us with the papers Mr. Larsen had demanded. After he checked them over, Mr. Larsen said, "Ok, it's all here". The man rushed out of the area. As he did, I was surprised when I saw Mr. Smith walking toward us. "Mr. Larsen, there's Mr. Smith," Douglas said.
        "Jens, don't you dare make a scene," Mrs. Larsen said. "Don't you dare!"
        Mr. Smith walked over to us, nodded and said, "Mr. and Mrs. Larsen?"
        "Yes?" Mr. Larsen's voice was pure ice.
        "Mr. and Mrs. Larsen, I don't blame you for hating me. I hate myself. I make no excuses for what I did. Had I realized... well, there's no excuse. I hope Luke is ok and will go on. He is a tremendous talent. I didn't want you to leave without making an attempt to apologize and to thank you. I have done great damage to my professional and personal life, but I brought it on myself. Had you pressed charges, I think I would have died because I know I would have gone to jail. I have learned a real lesson. The cost has been high--not only for me, but also for your son--but it could have been higher. I won't ask you to forgive me. Were Luke my son, I wouldn't. But do know that I appreciate what you did. I can put my life back together. I couldn't had I been sent to jail."
        "Mr. Smith, the past cannot be changed. You have hurt us deeply. In time we may be able to forgive, and maybe in time you can forgive yourself. I hope so," Mr. Larsen said.
        Mr. Smith whispered "Thank you," and disappeared in the crowd.
        The Larsens' plane was announced and Douglas and I hugged them and they turned to go down the tunnel to the plane. "I wonder what they will find when they get home?" I asked.
        "Don't know," Douglas answered as he took my hand, "but Luke's made of strong stuff--his Mom and Dad." He suddenly swung me around, kissed me and said, "Jan, you're going to be here next year!" I was excited too, but wondered what would become of a romance only four weeks old. It might just be a summer romance--but I was still going to Ringling next year. 1