Confidant
by Ryan Miller
“You said you wanted to talk,
Trey?” asked
I wanted to talk to anybody at that point, just no one I was close to and no one I lived with. So, I found myself in the Associated Student Body office talking to Adrian Burke, ASB Vice President.
“Yeah,” I replied, sitting in a chair across from his desk in the empty office. “I, uh, I—”
“Don’t tell me,” he said, dryly. “You’re gay.”
“Well, yeah. But you don’t have to be so blunt about it,” I said, feeling a bit denuded.
“I’m President of the Gay Straight Alliance,” he said. “I have people coming out to me all the time.”
“That’s why I’m here,” I said. “I thought you could help me.”
“Sure thing,” he said. “I love to help the new guys. Kind of makes me feel like a hero or something.”
“I really need a hero,” I said, trying not to cry. “I’ve been hiding this for years. I’ve been beating the hell out of myself over it for so long. My parents are Methodists and totally hate gay people.”
“My parents are Catholic. I know what you mean.”
“Do they know about you?”
“Unfortunately. They walked in on my ex-boyfriend and me the first time he was going down on me. They couldn’t even look at me for a month.”
“Oh my god, that sounds terrible. What did they do?”
“The Catholic thing. They tried to exorcize me.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. It was terrible. They tied me to a bed and kept yelling scripture at me. And, when that didn’t work, they tried electro-shock therapy.”
“Is that even legal?”
“Some scientists classify being gay as a mental disease, so they can get away with it.”
“That is so awful. Do you even still live at home?”
“Unfortunately. I hate it. But at least they are able to acknowledge my presence.”
“And what about your ex?”
“I don’t know. His parents sent him to private school and I haven’t been able to see him. But we keep in touch, though we’re just friends.”
“I feel so sorry for you.”
“It’s ok. I’m over all that. How are you doing? Do you need me to go talk to your parents? I love to go up to Bible bashers and tear them a new one. I can make people cry, easy.”
“No, I think I’m fine. And I don’t want them finding out at all.”
“You just want to live in the closet your whole life?”
“Not really, but I sure don’t want them finding out.”
“Good luck. That means you won’t be dating until you move out. I couldn’t go that long without sex.”
His computer dinged and he looked over and said, “I just got an e-mail from my boyfriend.”
“The first one?”
“No. No this is bf number four. You can keep talking.”
“And, about sex. Do you mind if we talk about it?”
“Sure, as long as it’s just talk. You’re not my type.”
“Well, have you ever rimmed a guy? I want to know if it tastes totally gross or not.”
“I don’t know. I’ve never done it. It looks really gross to me. But I’ve had plenty of guys do it to me, and it feels incredible.”
“Like what?”
“Uh, well, I don’t think I’m that eager.”
“What?” he cried. “That bastard!”
“W-what is it?”
“My boyfriend, that’s what! He thinks he straight! He just wrote me an e-mail saying he’s having second thoughts about our relationship!”
“Well, maybe he found someone else. You know, trying to make something up to cover it.”
“No,
“But…what if he actually feels that way?”
“He doesn’t! He’s just getting nervous again, and it’s really pissing me off. This society makes it so you can’t even trust your own gay instincts. You ever notice that?”
“Uh, I can’t say I’ve ever had a problem with society, just my parents.”
“Well, you will. The world forces
people to lie about themselves, and
He switched off his computer, got up, grabbed his coat from the back of his chair and stormed out of the office, leaving me sitting and still needing to talk.
Then Eric walked in, a rep for the Tae Kwan Do club.
When he saw me, he said, “Oh, hi Trey.”
“Uh, what’s up Eric?” I replied.
“Just dropping off my paperwork
for club fair,” he said, putting some papers in a file cabinet. “What was up
with
“He got an e-mail from his boyfriend he didn’t like.”
“Man, I feel sorry for his boyfriend.”
He was about to leave when I said, “Uh, are you busy right now?”
“No. I was going home after this.”
“C-can we talk? I mean, would you be willing to talk?”
“Sure,” he said, pulling a chair from behind a desk and taking a seat. “What about?”
“Well, I really need someone to talk to. I…feel like I’m running towards a cliff…and that, when I fall over, no one will be there to catch me.”
“Are you ok, Trey?”
“No, I’m gay and my parents hate gay people and I’ve had no one at all to talk to about it for four long years and I really need someone to talk to.”
“Oh, dude, I’m sorry. You really trust me enough to talk about that?”
“You haven’t beat the hell out of me yet, so you have all the trust I can give you.”
“Wow, that feels kind of cool. I mean, being able to have you open up like that.”
“I just really need to talk and I’ll take anybody. Not that—”
“No, I get you. And you can tell me whatever you want. I promise not to tell anyone.”
“Can I tell you I think you’re hot? Because you really are.”
“I don’t know about that. My girlfriend might get jealous.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to hit on you.”
“No, it’s ok. I think I’m hot. But seriously, you can talk about anything. And why don’t we go talk over coffee, it’s creepy in here after school is over.”
“No offence, but I hate coffee.”
“Me, too. Why don’t we just go back to my house? We have a really comfortable couch, and you look like you need to lie down.”
“Thanks, that would be great.”