Zac and Kayden

by Ryan Keith

Chapter 3 - Into the Light

     Zac awoke sensing a presence at his side. He turned his head and blinked a few times. Kayden sat crossed legged on the bed, leaning against the wall, calmly watching Zac. Zac felt his boyfriend’s hand gently stroke his hair.

     “You look…like…a stalker,” Zac whispered.

     A small smile brightened Kayden’s face for a moment, but Zac sensed hesitation behind it.

     Zac patted the pillow beside him. “Lie with me?”

     Kayden complied and stretched out his body on Zac’s bed. His hand brushed over Zac’s for a fraction of a second, but he pulled it away. He stared up at the ceiling, not wanting to face Zac.

     Moments passed as Zac remained silent, his eyes focused on Kayden. Hesitantly, Kayden placed his hand over Zac’s, and then Zac turned his hand so that their fingers could intertwine.

     Kayden finally turned his head, his eyes puffy and red. Zac watched silently as Kayden opened his mouth and tried to say something, but no sound came out.  He closed his mouth and clamped his eyes shut.

     At that point, Zac realized how cold Kayden’s hands were. He pulled them up to his face and blew his hot breath over them. Kayden opened his eyes and watched as Zac used his hands to warm Kayden’s.

     Kayden’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down before he inched his face closer.

     Zac pulled away and slightly tilted his head. “Sorry,” he whispered, “morning breath.”

     Kayden noticed a red glow on Zac’s face. Kayden propped himself on one elbow and grabbed something from Zac’s desk.

     Zac didn’t turn his head. His attention was focused on Kayden’s armpit. There was a brush of hair in there and he couldn’t help but breathe in a bit of Kayden’s aroma.

     When Kayden lay back down, Zac stared at what he held in his hand. “Listerine strips?”

     Kayden nodded.

     Zac couldn’t hide his amusement, and he laughed as Kayden smiled a little more. Zac took the packet, opened it, and took a strip. He waved it in front of Kayden’s face and the boy opened his mouth. After Zac had popped the strip into Kayden’s mouth, he took one for himself and placed it in his tongue.

     After a moment, Zac threw the mint pack behind him. “Where were we?”

     Kayden approached a second time, and Zac accepted him without hesitation.

     When the kiss finally ended, Zac’s face was flushed. “What do you want to do today?” he asked.

     “Can we just stay in bed? It’s like the world doesn’t exist here.”

     Zac couldn’t believe the things Kayden said, sometimes. “That’s real sweet, Kayden, and I’d like to do that, too, but my stomach is begging for food.”

     Kayden’s stomach grumbled at the mention of food. “We didn’t eat last night?”

     “Nope. Pancakes?”

     Kayden nodded.       

     Zac got up first and headed to the washroom. He paused in front of the mirror and frowned as he stared at his reflection. It was the first time he’d looked at himself in a mirror since the previous night’s incident with Kayden and Brad. He leaned forward and touched the tender skin near his lip. During the drive home from Brad’s place, Diana had pointed out the mark on his face. He’d been able to keep it hidden on the earlier drive to Brad’s apartment. He convinced her that he’d walked into a door, and that made her back off. He remembered the surprise and aggressiveness she had shown when he refused to let her take a close look at it after they got home.

     “She actually scolded me,” Zac said to his reflection in the mirror. He’d been embarrassed when she chewed him out. He’d wanted to give her a piece of his mind, but he couldn’t come up with anything to say. As a result, Diana nagged at him for fifteen minutes before he excused himself and went to his room.

     He hadn’t understood what the problem was until he saw how bad the bruise looked. He could understand why Diana had been worried; even then, the morning after, it looked as if he’d just come out of a fight.

     “She must’ve thought I had a fight with Brad,” Zac whispered.

     “I did that, didn’t I?”

     Zac turned towards Kayden’s voice. The boy leaned against the bathroom doorframe, almost afraid to be seen by Zac, his head slightly lowered and his arms folded in front of him.

     “Will you stop looking so vulnerable? I won’t let you leave my room if you don’t stop.”

     Without a word, Zac stepped over to the toilet and pulled his boxer fly open. As he urinated, he felt Kayden’s presence behind him. The boy reached around and carefully held Zac’s member in his hands.

     Before Zac could comment on how awkward that was, he felt Kayden nipping kisses on the back of his neck, which made him shudder. He thought he was experiencing the kinkiest thing ever.

     He didn’t even realize he was done until Kayden gave him a shake and put his tool back through the flap.

     Kayden’s arms remained around Zac’s waist. The two teens stood, neither one wishing to make the first move.

     “Kade…”

     “Zac…”

     Zac felt Kayden’s arms squeeze him snugly before they fell back to his sides.

     “Let’s go down,” Kayden said.

     Zac and Kayden descended to the main floor, where Lenne ambushed Zac the moment they reached the kitchen. 

     “What the hell happened to your face?”

     Zac’s parents turned to him, and Kevin’s eyes bulged out. Zac almost felt Kayden shrink behind him.

     “Zac, what happened?” Kevin asked, showing genuine concern.

     “What’s with the…” Lenne waved her fingers around her face. She didn’t know what to call Zac’s bruise.

     “Nothing, Lenne,” Zac responded immediately.

     Lenne looked at Kayden, who was still behind Zac. “Kayden did that!” she accused.

     “Did he hit you?” Kevin demanded, getting up from his chair.

     “No! Well, it was by accident…”

     Diana gasped and Zac felt his whole body groan. “Guys, it wasn’t on purpose. He didn’t mean it. Kade, stick up for yourself!” Zac said harshly, to no avail. Kayden was as white as a ghost behind Zac.

     “Not on purpose? That’s what they all say!” Diana said. “You’re seeing another boy, aren’t you? That’s where I dropped you off last night. You went to see the other boy and Kayden found out. Oh, no…Zac!” A tone of disappointment marked Diana’s voice.

     Zac, finally realizing where Lenne had gotten her imagination, slammed his hand on the counter to grab his family’s attention. “It was an accident!” He almost grinned over the way his family was panicking.

     “You told me you walked into a door!” Diana accused.

     “You expected the truth?” Zac challenged.

     “So, what happened? I was just kidding, by the way, Kade. I know you too well. Did you shit yourself, son?” Kevin grinned. He seemed to be the only one who was listening to Zac.

     “This doesn’t leave the house,” Zac said, turning to Lenne. “I mean it.”

     “My mouth is shut.” Lenne dramatically zipped her lips.

     “Kayden was fighting with a guy, and as I was trying to pull him away he backhanded me by accident. He hadn’t even known I was there. The guy I went to see later last night is the one Kayden fought. He has a crush on Kayden and he tried to threaten him. I went to tell him to stay away from my boyfriend.” He glanced around and saw impressed looks.

     Kayden clutched his shirt tightly as he stepped forward. “I- I’d never intentionally hurt Zac. I swear on my life. I can’t even believe I did that… I should go.”

     As Kayden turned to leave, Zac grabbed his arm. “Hey! You’re not going anywhere. Dad was just hassling you…and Diana and Lenne are drama queens.”

     “What?!” They both exclaimed.

     “And I don’t want you to be by yourself right now. You do too much thinking when you’re on your own.” Zac said.

     “That’s pretty mature of you, Zac.” Kevin nodded his approval.

     Zac laughed nervously, realizing that his family had heard his exchange with Kayden. He was certain that if they knew what he had said to Brad, they wouldn’t be so impressed.

     Lenne raised her hand as if to ask to speak.

     “What?” Zac gave her a look.

     After unzipping her mouth, she asked, “It was Brad, right?”

     Zac opened his mouth, but then closed it and simply nodded.

     “I knew it! That bastard is going down!” Lenne crossed her arms.

     “Lenne!” Diana said, shocked.

     “Don’t start anything, Lenne. It’s over for now. If Brad does anything else, I’ll put an end to it quickly,” Zac told her.

     “Good idea.” Kevin again nodded approval.

     “You’re agreeing to this?” Diana gave Kevin a look of concern. “Is this the behavior you promote in your child?”

     “Zac’s old enough to make adult decisions.” Kevin’s stare didn’t leave Zac’s eyes. “He knows the consequences, and besides that, I’d do the same.”

     A smile broke over Zac’s face, which only his dad could see. A smirk highlighted his father’s visage as he turned his attention back to his newspaper.

     Diana didn’t look convinced, but she held back on commenting as she sipped her coffee.

     Lenne just shook her head, reflecting her disgust over Brad.

     Zac turned to the still pale-faced Kayden and asked, “Pancakes?”

     Even though Kayden had almost lost his appetite, Zac’s reassuring smile brought it back.

***

     Kayden sat on Zac’s bed, tapping his fingers on his leg as he waited impatiently for Zac to finish showering. Kayden knew it was for the best. Their last attempt at showering together in Zac’s washroom had left both of them with a few bruises.

     Kayden scanned the room for something to do, but his thoughts returned to the night before. He stood up, determined to keep his mind off of that subject. He didn’t want to think about what he had done with Brad. He knew that it was a mistake he wouldn’t make again.

     He bent down to pick up some articles of clothing that littered Zac’s floor. Zac was usually neat with his room, but the night before had been an exception. After picking up a shirt and draping it over Zac’s desk chair, he bent down and retrieved Zac’s pants. He felt something stiff in the jeans as he tried to fold them. He curiously reached into Zac’s pocket and froze. The pants fell to the floor as Kayden stared at the papers.

     Shit! He saw these? He unfolded the pages and went through them in detail. When he heard the shower shut off, he quickly slipped the first two pages beneath his towel and returned the others to the pocket and again dropped the pants. The nervous boy shot up straight as Zac opened the shower curtain.

     “Sorry I took so long.” Zac smiled into his room, though the bathroom mirror.

     A towel hung loosely around Zac’s waist as he stepped into his bedroom, drying his hair with another towel. “It’s all yours,” he said, winking and smiling.

     Kayden grabbed the towel from the bed and stood up. He smiled back and entered the washroom and closed the door.

*******     

     Helen walked into the kitchen and saw her youngest sibling staring out into the back yard. She followed his line of sight and noticed he was looking at basically nothing. She stood back and stared at her brother for a few moments. The boy didn’t seem to notice her.

     She sighed, hoping to get his attention, but his mind wandered in the clouds. She smiled at herself and at the fact that the young man was so much like their father. Jett sat at the kitchen table wearing plaid lounging pants. His legs were stretched long while his massive arms rested on the table. He held a glass of orange juice gently, as if the glass might shatter in his hands. As usual, her younger brother wasn’t wearing a shirt around the house. Their mother always nagged at him about catching a cold, but he seemed to have proved that notion wrong.

     Helen cleared her throat, trying harder to draw his attention. When he didn’t turn, she finally gave up and sat down beside him.

     “Jett?”

     When Jett slowly turned to his sister, his eyes widened. “Helen! You’re home!”

     “I came home late last night. Whatcha up to?”

     “Nothin’,” Jett whispered, as he again looked out the back door.

     “I could see that,” she said. “The question is, why?”

     “Why are you home?”

     “Answering with a question is really not what a gentleman should do.” She smiled.

     “But walking around without my shirt is?” Jett grinned.

     “I’ll be honest with you. All women love it. Especially if it’s a body like yours. There’s no shame in showing it. I can’t tell you how hot it is when I see Greg vacuuming his apartment in just his jeans!”

     Jett had met Greg, his sister’s boyfriend, a few times. They were pretty serious. Helen was off in her dream world while Jett smiled.

     Helen turned her attention back to her brother and placed her hands around his. “But don’t change the subject. I know you, my little brother. You have that look like you’re carrying the whole world on your shoulders. Dad often walked around like that.”

     “Sorry.” Jett bowed his head.

     “Just tell your eldest sis what’s eating you. Maybe I can shed some of that burden.”

     Jett looked up at his sister and met her understanding gaze. She waited patiently as he squirmed in his seat.

     “Okay, but I’m altering the story to keep it general. I just need to know what I should do.”

     “Sounds fair. Everyone has their secrets.” Helen smiled generously.

     Jett didn’t know what she meant by the smile, but he brushed it off. “I have these two friends who’ve been dating for about a year. Someone I know wanted to break them up in order to date one of them. I liked this person and I hoped to maybe change them. Not sure how, but I wanted them to notice me, I guess.”

     The hands covering Jett’s squeezed reassuringly.

     “I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore, and I told my friend about it. I told him what I knew and what I had tried to do for that person.” Jett lowered his voice. “I told my friend how I felt about that person.”

     He looked up into his sister’s stare. “This person… did something to one of my friends that is unforgivable. But I’ve liked this person since I was a kid, before they moved away. They just moved back, but… he’s changed…”

     Helen’s eyes widened with surprise, but otherwise, she didn’t react.

     “Not the same person I knew back then. My friend told me not to give up on the person. But time after time, they prove to me they won’t change… I’m afraid that the person I liked is lost forever.”

     Jett fell silent and lowered his eyes.

     “Let me tell you a story,” Helen said. “Back in high school, I fell in love with a guy I was sure I’d marry in the future. We both believed it. But then, we went to different universities. It was hard for us to see each other, and every time we did, it was under stressful circumstances. We seemed to fight more than we got along. People change. We talked, of course, but we realized that we each wanted different things.”

     “What are you getting at?” There was no malice behind Jett’s words. His features showed concern about what his sister was hinting.

     “As much as we’d like to believe that someone will change to meet our expectations, it’s easier on our hearts to just move on. Giving them another chance to let us down can just be too painful. If this person has not begun to change by now, then they aren’t worth it…”

     “Just cut them out?” Jett asked.

     “’Fraid so, big guy.” Helen gave a grim smile. Seeing her brother’s glum look, she tapped his hand. “It’s hard now, Jett, but it sounds as if this person doesn’t think much of you. And if they pretend to, only to further their own goals, they’re not worthy of your love.”

     Jett nodded and turned his attention to his glass of orange juice.

     Helen got up and leaned over to kiss the top of her brother’s head. “Do what you must, but protect your heart. Don’t let anyone break that golden heart of yours, okay? You’re the gentlest boy I know. You have a good nature about you and a sense of justice that Dad would be proud of. Just do what that heart tells you.”

     Helen walked away, content with the smile she had left on Jett’s face.

*******

     Zac sat on his bed, surfing the boring television channels. He wondered how many church programs he had run through, and realized he was going through the same ones over and over. He wasn’t really looking for something to watch; he was waiting for Kayden to get out of the washroom. He was a bit confused as to why he had closed the door, but realized he might have had to use the toilet.

     Zac looked up when the bathroom door opened. He was disappointed to see that Kayden was already dressed in the clothes he’d worn the day before.

     “You could have borrowed some more of my clothes,” Zac joked.

     “Actually, uhm, I forgot… I made an appointment for my bike to be serviced,” Kayden said, ignoring the clothing issue.

     “Today?”

     “Yeah. It should only be a few hours. I need to have the carbs synchronized.”

     Zac gave Kayden a blank stare.

     Kayden smiled and then chuckled. “My bike’s acceleration is uneven. I found a guy who can take care of it for me. And he’s going to show me how to maintain the bike, too. You could come, but it might be boring.”

     “When will you be done?”

     “Should be through in the afternoon. I’ll come back here when I’m done. Then we can spend the rest of the evening together, okay?” Kayden’s comments indicated that he wasn’t going to change him mind.

     Zac nodded. “All right. I think I wanna go swimming for an hour or so. I’ll grab a ride from Dad.”

     Kayden grinned and grabbed his jacket. He swung by Zac and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll be back before you know it.” And he was off.

*******     

     Brad ground his teeth furiously as he stared back at his reflection. He’d been sitting in his car for almost an hour. No amount of coverup would hide the markings. His face was blemished from Kayden’s blows.

     “He’ll pay for this!” Brad swore aloud as he glared at the mirror. His head dropped as his shoulders began to tremble. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this… He wasn’t supposed to call my bluff.”

     Brad then shook his head. He knew that wasn’t it. Kayden hadn’t called his bluff. Kayden had believed him as much as Brad had wanted him to. He just hadn’t foreseen that Kayden would try to kill him.

     Frustration showed around his eyes. He could almost hear his father’s voice criticizing his management of his affairs. Brad pounded the steering wheel at the thought of his father. Why the fuck am I thinking about that bastard?

     He looked up again to see the markings that were so noticeable. He knew he couldn’t remain hiding in his car. He had a photo shoot to steal.

********

     “Kayden! Look at me!”

     Tears fell from Kayden’s face as he clutched his knees. His right knee wouldn’t stop shaking.

     “Kayden!”

     Slowly, Kayden raised his head to look at the man.

     “You don’t want your parents to know, right? Can you imagine how hurt they would be? You’d break your mother’s heart. I can’t even think what my brother would say…”

     Those words increased the boy’s tears. He sobbed openly. Taking short breaths, he felt as if he were in a nightmare.

     “They don’t need to know, Kayden. I can help you, but first you will have to help me. Do you remember…”    

     “I- I don’t know!” Kayden bellowed.

     “Shhh.” His uncle hushed him. “I want you to think really hard. I know you know it, Kayden. You’ve seen him punch it in lots of times.”

     “I only remember the 8 and 5. I don’t know the rest!”

     “You do, Kayden.” The man put his palms together and calmly tapped his fingers against his mouth. “I do want to help you, Kayden, but I need your help first.”

     Kayden’s chest heaved as he began to hiccup from the stress.

     “You never met your grandfather. He was a very hard man. If he were alive and knew about you, you’d be better off dead. Think about what could happen if your dad found out.”

     “You don’t have to tell him!” Kayden implored.

     “But I do. You need help, and I think telling him would help you…” The man paused. “Unless you think you could help me. I could keep your secret. No one would ever know. If you happen…”

     “But I don’t know!”

     “Don’t interrupt me!” The uncle’s glare at Kayden clearly frightened the boy. “You don’t want to see me angry. I really wish I could help you…”

     “I could find out,” Kayden offered. “Dad opens it sometimes when I’m around. I’ll remember it next time!”

     The uncle’s lips quivered slightly and he looked away. “I doubt you could pull it off. You’re just not a bright boy.”

     “I can do it!”

     “Are you sure?

     Kayden hesitantly nodded.

     *BEEEEP* BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

     Kayden turned his head to the left and saw a speeding car in the lane he was about to switch over to. Without hesitating, he floored his bike, trying to get ahead of the vehicle. The car pulled up alongside and the driver gave him the finger before speeding off.

     “Fucking focus on the road, dumbass,” Kayden muttered to himself. He took the exit ramp up Allen Road and had no trouble navigating to his destination.

     Kayden pulled up to the sidewalk, near the St. Clair station, and looked up at the building in front of him. He was impressed by the high-rise office tower. Looking at his watch, he noticed it was just after 11 AM. It was the first time he’d ever ridden his bike on the highway. It hadn’t occurred to him that the trip was dangerous. All he knew was that he had made it. He reached into his coat and pulled out the two sheets of paper he had taken from Zac’s pants.

     Why didn’t I just tell him the truth?

     Kayden jumped off his bike and stepped up towards the stair platform. He had often passed though the St. Clair station on his way to school, back when Rick was alive. He cast that thought aside as he walked out into the street. The honking of horns hit his senses first, before the bright light of the sun.

     His mind was blank as he reached his destination. The height of the building was comparable to the ones adjacent to it. He jogged up the steps and approached the revolving doors. Peering through the glass, he saw only a security person behind the lobby table.

     Kayden pushed against the revolving door and was surprised when it didn’t budge. He stepped back and saw hinged doors on either side of the main entrance. Those doors were also locked. He peered in again and noticed that he had caught the security officer’s attention. The man stood up and walked to the entrance.

     “The offices are closed on weekends, kid,” the man said. “You’re not getting in unless you have an access card. You waiting for someone? Your daddy working up there?”

     “Ah, something like that,” Kayden replied. “I’m looking for my aunt, actually. Lara Ryan?” Kayden swallowed as he remembered the name from Brad’s papers. “I’m not sure if she came here. She left a note at home telling me she went to work. She isn’t answering her cell phone.”

     The security guard stared at him for a moment before crossing his arms. “I didn’t see her come in today. I’ll ring up her office, though. She might be in.”

     “Nah, it’s all right.” Kayden grinned. “I’m supposed to meet her at the coffee shop across the street, anyway. I’ll just wait. Thanks a lot, sir!”

     Kayden stepped back and walked away. He went to his bike, got on it, started the engine, and wondered what to do. A new destination suddenly entered his mind. Mount Pleasant Cemetery.

***

     Fresh flowers gracefully decorated the stone paths that led to the various sections of the cemetery. A lone man turned his attention from the stone that honored his loved one. He didn’t think there was anyone else in that section of the cemetery, but the appearance of Kayden made him realize how old he was. Poor boy. A soul meriting a visit from a boy that young must mean a great loss. The man bowed his head to the stone and then walked away.

     Kayden stood over his guardian’s grave. “I always forget to bring something, Rick,” Kayden whispered.

     A smile spread across Kayden’s face. The wind passed among the stones that protruded from the ground. Petals of nearby flowers were carried by the wind to settle at Kayden’s feet.

     “I drive now. I got that bike of yours up and running,” Kayden blurted out. He didn’t know what else to say. Why did I come here? “Why did you buy it, anyways? You never worked on it, and you never got anyone to look at it. Anyway, it works great.”

     The silence of Rick’s grave answered him.

     “I want to talk to you, Rick. Why can’t I hear your voice? You always knew the right way. You always knew things before I told you.”

     He closed his eyes. He wondered how his late guardian had been able to understand his moods before he recognized them himself. When Kayden’s anger was about to explode, Rick had always known how to defuse it.

     “Nothing surprised you. How could you see so far ahead?”

     An image of Zac suddenly flashed though Kayden’s head.

     “How can he see so far ahead…”

     Kayden’s eyes widened at his sudden thought. Staring at Rick’s stone, Kayden asked, “Am I supposed to tell him? You’re telling me to tell him? To tell him everything?”

     Kayden’s hand crept up to his neck and stoked it gently. He closed his eyes. As if his hand were not his own, the gentle touch became a tight grip around his neck. With a gasp, Kayden released his neck and fell to his knees as memories of his dark past surfaced in his mind.

     “He already knows how fucked up I am, Rick. How much more time do I have before he realizes I’m broken?”

*******

     Brad gripped his coffee mug as he stared out the coffee shop window. He wished someone, anyone, would dare say something to him at that moment. He wanted a fight. He felt like kicking the shit out of somebody. Frustration and anger caused his fingers to tremble. He’d never been so insulted in his life.

     “What did you expect, Brad?” a voice behind him said.

     Brad knew who it was, but he didn’t answer.

     “You showed up to a shoot with your most valuable asset blemished. No amount of makeup could hide those marks. What did you do? Get in a fight with a gorilla?” Trent asked.

     “Shouldn’t you still be at the photo shoot?”

     “My first set is done. Thought I’d come over for coffee, because I started dozing off after you left. The sight of your face was keeping me awake.” Trent laughed as he sat down beside Brad.

     “I was just waiting for someone to show up and give me some shit,” Brad growled. “Want me to dent your face?”

     “Aww, sugar! A threat? I’m so touched!” Trent said sarcastically.

     “Leave me alone…”

     “What happened? Lose your boy toy? Fate deal you some bad cards? Tell me,” Trent said, rubbing Brad’s thigh.

     Brad stared at Trent’s hand but didn’t remove it.

     “You could say that. I just need to step back for a minute, you know? People usually jump the gun when things don’t go as planned. One thing I learned from my dad is that shit will hit the fan; just make sure none of it hits you. I need a break and something to take my mind off things.”

     “How about a party?” Trent offered.

     “What kind?”

     “The kind only hot people are invited to.”

     “Then how come I’m not already on the invite list?” Brad asked smartly.

     “Because you never left your number, sweetie.” Trent winked at Brad. “You just picked up and left.”

     “And whose fault was that?” Brad asked, in full bitch mode.

     “It was mine,” Trent answered, as he rubbed Brad’s leg. “I should have guessed you’d leave before I woke up. I should have taken care of the paperwork before you fucked me.”

     “You know how to make a man happy.” Brad smiled and added, “All right, I’ll come to the party. My face is bruised, but my ego isn’t.”

     “Brad, your face looks like you’ve just finished a fight. Do you know how hot it looks? If they were doing a cover for a bad boy type, you’d definitely fit the part.”

     “I know I’m hot; I don’t need you telling me that.” Brad smirked.

     “I know. But I also know how much you like hearing it. Here’s my number. Give me a call later. It’s tonight.”

     “You want me to go as I am?”

     “You have money.” Trent laughed. “And free time. Shopping always does people good. Come around ten, okay? I gotta go.”

     Brad watched as Trent walked off. His ego had taken a blow, but Trent had made him feel like he was back in business.

*******

     Lenne was typing when Zac walked into her room. She didn’t greet him, but rather kept up her typing pace.

     “Hmmm,” Zac sighed, as he fell onto Lenne’s bed.

     *tap*tap*tap*

     Rolling over, Zac released a heavier sigh and stretched. “Huaaahhh.”

     *tap*tap*tap* pause *tap*tap*tap*

     Zac finally sat up and glared at Lenne’s back. He released a loud yawn, trying to drown out Lenne’s typing.

     *tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*

     “Ahem!”

     *tap*tap*tap*

     “Lenne!”

     “If you wanted my attention, you should have said something,” Lenne answered, her back still turned.

     Zac sat up and crossed his arms, just as Lenne turned around.

     “What?”

     “Are you busy?”

     “No, Zac, I’m just clicking away because my fingers need exercise.”

     “Kayden left…”

     “Zac, that was hours ago.” Lenne tilted her head. “What have you been doing all this time?”

     “Reading…listening to music…thinking.”

     Lenne turned back to her computer.  “Where the hell is the save button?”

     “Top left. The blue and white square.”

     After saving her essay, Lenne again turned to Zac. “Okay, what’s up?” She noticed that Zac was holding some sheets of paper. “What are those?”

     “You have to swear to secrecy. No one can know about this, okay?”

     “Okay…”

     “Seriously, Lenne, not a soul,” Zac pleaded.

     “I swear!” Lenne said, sensing Zac’s uneasiness.

     Zac handed the papers to her.

     After a moment, Lenne sat on her bed. “What is all this?”

     “Brad’s threat to Kayden. Kayden’s adoption was fixed. It’s not legal.”

     “I figured that much. I just didn’t ask the specifics,” Lenne said.

     “None of us did. There was too much going on, I guess. But now, Brad has dug this stuff up.”

     “And?”

     “I think this has Kayden freaked out,” Zac said.

     “Brad is going to rat him out?”

     “I believe he was threatening to.”

     Lenne nodded. “Oh, I get it. He wanted Kayden to be unfaithful, as a trade off, huh?”

     “Yeah…”

     “Does Kayden know you have these?”

     “I think he might. I had a bad feeling when he left this morning. I felt…” Zac paused.

     “You felt what?”

     “Like I was being lied to…”

     Lenne sighed and leaned back. “How do you know?”

     “I don’t. It’s just a feeling. When he broke up with me, back last year… I felt this was like that. I’m just afraid of what he might be doing today.”

     “He’s not cheating on you, Zac.”

     “I know that, but what is he doing? And why can’t he tell me about it? I mean, I know he has trust issues, but I didn’t think he’d keep on hiding things from me…”

     “Fear of rejection?”

     “It could be that he’s afraid of what I might think of him,” Zac said.

     “And what do you think of him now?”

     “I think he’s a boy who is afraid to trust. He never told you guys about his dad.”

     “That Rick guy?”

     “No, his real dad.” Zac looked up at her.

     “Whoa, should you be telling me this?” Lenne asked, raising her arms.

     “It’s okay. If you were to ask him in private, he’d tell you. I just think he doesn’t like to bring it up in front of everyone.”

     “Are you sure?”

     “Yeah, it’s cool. His dad died in a freak boating accident when he and Kayden were at their cottage. Kayden wasn’t in the boat, but he seems to think that his dad might have survived if he had been.”

     Zac paused as he noticed that Lenne seemed to be in deep thought.

     “You know there has to be more to it than just that. I’m not trying to say anything bad about Kayden, but I think there’s more to your boyfriend than even you know about.”

     “Yeah, and he holds it in really well. But, to put things into perspective, I do know that he blames himself for his father’s death, feels responsible for his friend Sean’s death, and he’s burdened by his adoptive father’s will. I think that sometimes he can’t deal with his problems, and he runs from them. And sometimes, he runs from me.”

*******

     Brad could hear music blaring through the door as he approached. Several students outside eyed him, wondering who he was. Brad didn’t pay them any mind as he opened the door. Two large frat guys stood guard as he walked in.

     “What business do you have here?” the heavyset one demanded in an unfriendly way.

     “I was invited,” Brad retorted without missing a beat.

     “Is that so? Where’s your invitation?” the other large guy demanded.

     “I don’t need one,” Brad told them. “Whatever. Be sure to tell Trent why his guest didn’t show up.” Brad turned as if to leave.

     When a hand clasped Brad’s shoulder, he didn’t think twice before grabbing it and twisting the fingers into grotesque positions. The frat boy yelped in pain and fell to his knees.

     “Who the fuck said you could touch me?” Brad said through clenched teeth, as he continued to twist the fingers. He turned his glare to the other boy, who had his hands up in a defensive position.

     “We’re sorry… we’re sorry!” the boy on his knees begged. “We didn’t know you were the guy Trent was expecting.”

     Brad continued to glare at them as other guests turned towards the scene that was unfolding.

     “Brad! You’re here!”

Brad saw Trent approaching, holding a green drink.

“Looks like you’ve met the twins.” Trent paused as he noticed one of them was on his knees. “I know you’re desperate, Brad, but do you think you could stop holding his hand? He’s straight and taken. If you want, I’ll hold your hand!”

     Brad didn’t reply as he gave the hand a final twist before pushing it away. He didn’t give the twins another look as he stepped into the main area.

     “Sorry,” Trent said as he winked at Brad. “There are always posers who want to come to my parties. Those guys are there to fend them off. I told them to look out for a hot guy, but it’s sort of hard to do that when everyone here is hot!”

     “You saying these people are better looking than I am?” Brad snorted.

     “No, of course not! But the twins have been around enough to know who the regulars are here at my place.”

     Brad scanned the room and was impressed. Everyone was gorgeous. Gorgeous and drunk. Two blondes were on a side couch, hungrily trying to devour each other’s tongue. In a large open area, several couples were dancing, their bodies grinding as if they were making love on the dance floor.

     To Brad’s left was a bar where a topless stud was preparing drinks that looked similar to Trent’s. A sound system and a DJ were close to a set of French doors that led to a balcony.

     “What do you think?” Trent asked.

     “Quite the party. Never been to a party like this…”

     “Not like your high school parties, is it? This is an adult party, Brad. Or rather, a young stud party. They’re all college students like I am. You must be the youngest one here. Cool, huh?”

     Brad didn’t reply. He was too focused on the young men who were sexually active in a nearby corner. Trent followed Brad’s stare and smiled as he turned back to Brad.

     “Pretty hot, huh? The general rule is if you wanna hook up with someone, then you’re more than welcome to.” Trent lowered his voice to a whisper. “Just keep your age to yourself… I don’t want anyone here to freak out.”

     Brad suddenly realized that he was nervous. He’d never been in such an environment. He was always in control, the leader, the one who set the bar. In the presence of the handsome college guys, he felt insignificant. There were definitely some better looking guys than himself. He took pride in his body, but some of the guys were totally ripped. Several of them had their dress shirts unbuttoned, revealing better abs than Brad had ever known existed.

     “You look stressed,” Trent commented. “Must have been a long drive from Hicksville. Take a breather and have a drink!” Trent lifted the green liquid to Brad.

     Eyeing the substance, Brad sniffed it before taking a sip. He could taste the sour green apple liqueur in the drink. It was strong.

     “Let me introduce you to some people!” Trent smiled as he led Brad into the open area.

     By about midnight, the party was at its peak. Brad had lost count of the number of drinks he’d been offered. The alcohol made him feel lightheaded and free. He felt his lips splitting from the smiles he was flashing. He couldn’t grasp what people were saying, but would crack up laughing like the rest of the partiers. He couldn’t stop his mouth from shooting off comments and snide remarks from time to time, but everyone seemed to accept him. After another round of shots that Trent offered, Brad fell onto a couch and dropped his head back. He saw a shadow looming over him and he didn’t move as the figure’s lips pressed against his own. Brad closed his eyes as he made out with the stranger. After that ended, Brad blinked a few times and soon saw Trent’s figure appear above him.

     “How are you feeling?” Trent asked.

     “Awesome! I really needed this…hehe.”

     “I know you did. Glad we ran into each other again. And I’m glad you didn’t punch my lights out.”

     Brad snorted and laughed hysterically. Trent just watched him with a contented smile.

     “Oh, man, I’m drunk!” Brad groaned.

     “And you’re staying here tonight.”

     “Says whoo?” Brad slurred his challenge.

     “Me.”

     “You’ll hafta fish out my keys.” Brad grinned lopsidedly.

     Trent didn’t hesitate as he reached into Brad’s pockets and moved his hand around.

     “More to the left,” Brad whispered.

     Brad released a groan when Trent squeezed his member.

     “I think I found it…”

     “You found somethin’.”

     “Want to smoke some weed?” Trent asked.

     “Sure!” Brad could no longer control his thoughts or actions. He just wanted to be around Trent. He tried to stand, but fell back onto the couch.

     “Need help?”

     Brad nodded, and Trent pulled him up. Brad stumbled into Trent as he tried to gain his balance.

     “You’re totally smashed!” Trent commented, smiling.

     Brad chuckled to himself as they walked out to the balcony.

     The air smelled of smoke as Trent helped Brad to a chair. The cold October air was already settling in, but Brad couldn’t feel it.

     “Here.”

     “It’s small…” Brad said.

     “But it’ll hit you like a truck. Try it!”

     Brad was already inhaling while Trent spoke. He could feel his lungs tense differently and he blew the smoke out.

     “Feel it?” Trent grinned.

     “Wha…” Brad couldn’t really speak. The effect went straight to his head.

     “It’s laced. Good stuff, isn’t it?” Trent winked at him.

     Any remaining control that Brad had over himself was quickly slipping away, as he saw vivid colours surrounding him.

*******

     Zac opened his eyes to the sound of a bike engine. Despite a kink in his neck, he raised his head. Kayden removed his helmet and saw Zac sitting with his arms around his knees.

     Zac stood up and walked towards Kayden, who raised his hand as if to wave, but stopped midway. The stiffness of Zac’s movement struck something in Kayden.

     “It’s after midnight,” Zac said in a low whisper. “You said you’d be back in the afternoon.”

     Kayden smiled playfully at his boyfriend. “Sorry! I lost track of time. We were doing some mods to the bike.”

     “You didn’t call,” Zac said, his head bowed.

     “I’m sorry, Zac,” Kayden said as he brushed the boy’s cheek. “I didn’t know you’d be here waiting for me.”

     “I’ve been here since ten. Why did you lie to me?”

     Zac’s serious expression shattered Kayden’s playful facade, and his gaze fell to the ground.

     “Where did you go?”

     “I went to get my bike fixed. I was there all day! It’s a small place along Brock Street,” Kayden replied, his eyes still diverted from Zac’s.

     “Downtown?”

     “Yeah, Zac. Downtown… Whitby.”

     Zac moved closer to Kayden’s bike. “Your tank is almost empty. We filled it before you dropped me to work yesterday.”

     Kayden’s mouth slowly gaped open as he tried to talk, but couldn’t.

     “Fine…” Zac turned to leave but Kayden’s quick grip on his arm held him.

     “Wait!”

     Zac didn’t turn back around, but he stood still.

     “I went to Toronto.”

     “I know,” Zac whispered.

     The two froze in the stillness of the night.

     “How did…”

     “You took some of those papers. One had a woman’s name on it. There was an address there, too. Why did you go?” Zac turned and gave Kayden a cold stare. “And don’t lie to me. I want to know what’s really going on in that head of yours.”

     Kayden couldn’t turn away from Zac’s captivating gaze. His lips were dry and were threatening to crack. The only thing he could do was swallow.

     “I… ah, I don’t know,” Kayden managed to say. He instantly realized that wasn’t what Zac wanted to hear, as Zac held his ground.

     “I swear, I don’t know! I just…jumped and went. I didn’t even realize it was a Saturday and the offices were closed. I don’t know why I went. You want an explanation of what I planned to do, but your guess is as good as mine. I just wanted to see her.”

     “And you couldn’t tell me that?” Zac asked. “Do you realize how worried I was? Is it so hard to trust me?”

      “No!”

     Zac was surprised by Kayden’s sudden response.

     Kayden began to whisper softly. “You don’t understand.”

     “I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, Kade. You keep pushing me back whenever I start to but together bits and pieces of your past. How many times have we done this? You told me some things when we were all up at Blue Mountain, but after that trip, you backed off.”

     Zac raised a hand and Kayden flinched. The gentle touch of Zac’s hand on his head surprised him. As his eyes met Zac’s, Kayden’s muscles relaxed.

“I’ve been more than patient with you. And I’ll keep on waiting until you tell me.” Zac shook his head and continued. “Each time, you push me away, but I’ll keep digging until I’m satisfied. I’m not afraid of what I may find, because all of it made you as great as you are. Don’t be afraid. I won’t walk away from you. Until we find out where your hurt begins, we won’t be able to heal you.”

     “I want to be healed…by you. But am I worth it?”

     “You never think you’re ‘worth it’. You don’t recognize your worth, the worth that makes you willing to sacrifice yourself for right. You’re selfless…”

     “No, I’m selfish,” Kayden responded. The night shadows hid his face. “You always see things as they are. Slowly, bit by bit, you’ll see me for who I am. I want you for myself. I don’t want to share you with anyone. I’m jealous of your friends because they draw your attention away from me. Don’t you see? I’m greedy for you.”

     Zac traced Kayden’s lips with his finger and allowed it to linger for a moment. “To hear that you’re jealous for my attention makes me weak, Kade, but it isn’t a competition…”

     “I know that. But you need to know that if you want to know me, you’ll be seeing that side of me.”

     Zac’s eyes widened for a moment at Kayden’s sudden coldness.

     “You keep everything bottled up inside. It’s a bad habit of yours.” Zac’s hand brushed Kayden’s cheek. “When you share your darkness with me, you’ll see you’re not alone in it. I’ll be with you until the pain doesn’t touch you anymore.”

     Kayden stared at the boy, who was no longer glaring at him. He wondered when Zac had started to smile.

     He accepts my suffering as his own. He wants to take it away. He accepts me, even the worst of me…      

     “There it is… that smile,” Zac said, as he wrapped his hand around the back of Kayden’s neck. He felt Kayden flinch, but that only drew him closer. “I was wondering where it was hiding.”

     “Everything…I want to tell you everything. But I promise you, it won’t be pleasant. There’s some of it that no one knows.”

     Zac leaned forward and placed his lips on Kayden’s. Kayden sat back on his bike and wrapped his arms around Zac.

     “Don’t let go,” Zac whispered when they broke their kiss.

     Kayden nodded.

     “Something to drink?” Kayden offered when they entered his house.

     “No thanks, I’m all right,” Zac said, as he slipped his shoes off. Kayden had thrown his jacket over a chair. Zac took a moment to hang it in the entry closet, along with his own.

     When he finished, he walked into the living room, from where he saw Kayden in the kitchen. He watched as Kayden poured something into a cup. Zac knew it was alcohol.

     Kayden quickly guzzled the drink and poured himself another.

     Zac stood and watched. It was the first time he had seen alcohol being used as anything other than a social drink.

     Kayden turned and noticed that Zac was watching him closely. Staring at the cup, Kayden hesitated before placing it on the countertop.

     “Sorry…” Kayden walked towards the couches that flanked the coffee table.

     “Do you always drink when you’re…”

     “Not all the time.”

     “Kayden…”

     “Sometimes it’s just to stop myself from thinking, you know? I hate being by myself. It makes me think.”

     “I’m always a phone call away.”

     Kayden turned to Zac and tried to give him a small smile. “I tried not to scare you away with my compulsive behavior.” Kayden meant it as a joke, but Zac didn’t laugh.

     Kayden took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “Where to start…”

     “How about I ask the questions?” Zac said. “There are gaps in what I know. I should start by having them filled.”

     Kayden nodded.

     “When did you discover that you’re gay? You’ve always avoided that question, and I’ve never pushed. I wanna know,” Zac said.

     “I can fix that. It was more embarrassing than anything. I guess it really started with a boy close to my age. I was eleven when I first fooled around with him. At that age I knew I liked guys, I guess. He had some porn mags that his dad kept hidden, but most of it was girls. I guess he found out I liked boys when I asked where the guy pics were.”

     Kayden felt relieved when he saw Zac smile, but something clawed at the back of his mind. Something else that he wanted to get out.

     “There’s more, actually…”

     Zac remained quiet and allowed Kayden to continue.

     “One day he just disappeared. His mom told me he went with some relatives. I knew something was going on, and it upset me. The next day I came home to find them – her and her husband – talking to my parents. Instead of going to my room, I eavesdropped.”

     Kayden looked up and clenched his teeth for a moment. “They were condemning gay people, saying that they were…a disease. What was worse was that my parents agreed with them. My mom said that God would judge gay people. Can you imagine how you’d feel if your own parents thought that about you?”

     When Zac opened his mouth, Kayden was sure it was to offer sympathy.

     “I broke down,” Kayden said, not letting Zac get a word in. “I don’t remember much of it. But I remember crying a lot and yelling at my mom. I can still see the look on her face when I told her I hated her…” Kayden closed his eyes. His Adam’s apple bobbed momentarily before he continued. “I hated her, Zac… I don’t remember much of that week. I remember being alone. The Bennetts moved away, and I never saw my friend again. My parents really never knew of my pain. They thought I was just upset because I’d lost my friend. That’s when I began shutting people out. I began to live the lie that was my life.”

     “You lied to your parents… pretended you were all right, when you were hurting inside?” Zac probed.

     Kayden nodded his head.

     “How did you manage to hide it away? Your pain, I mean. It sounds like your neighbor was your only friend.”

     “I had other friends. I was already into martial arts and I was the bully fighter, even then, like I told you before. People liked me for it. But when I pulled back, so did those friends. They became tormentors. I guess I became more reserved. Afraid, more than anything, actually. Knowing that being gay was not accepted, I didn’t dare tell my classmates. In fact, I hardly talked to them after that.  And they saw it as someone too proud to hang around them. When I came here I envied you for your friends. I couldn’t depend on mine like that.”

     “I’m sorry you couldn’t trust anyone after that, Kayden. But that was then. This is now. Don’t let the past hold you back from our friends.”

     “I trusted my uncle…” Kayden turned to Zac, who was waiting for that story. Clearing his voice, Kayden gave it.

“My uncle is actually my dad’s step brother. Like him, he’s an architect. My dad was good at what he did. He always helped my uncle on projects. One night my parents asked my uncle to babysit. Usually, I’d be left with the Bennetts, but after they moved away it became my uncle. I thought he was a nice man, but he turned out to be a manipulative son of a bitch.”

     Surprised by his own language, Kayden stood up and walked to the kitchen. He picked up the glass of alcohol and headed to the sink, where he dumped the contents before rinsing the glass under the tap. He looked up to see Zac smiling at him.

     “I just need a drink of water.”

     Zac nodded and waited.

     When Kayden returned with his water, he placed it on a coaster and sat back. After a moment, he leaned forward and sipped it a few times.

     “My uncle made me think I could trust him. He said that he knew I had a secret, and that I could trust him with it. Even though I denied it over and over, he kept insisting that it would be okay, that my secret would be safe with him. So, I told him.”

     “Did he hit you?”

     “No, he didn’t touch me. But he played with my mind. He wanted to know the access code to the safe in my dad’s office at home. He must have thought Dad kept money in there. My uncle had a gambling problem. He betrayed my trust and used my secret to manipulate me. I knew that if I couldn’t trust family, then I couldn’t trust anyone. That’s when things really got lonely for me.”

     “Your dad died in an accident, right?”

     Kayden nodded.

     “When we were up at Blue Mountain, you told me it was your fault. That you pushed him away. How did you push him away?”

     Kayden leaned back and placed his hands on his head. He hesitated while Zac watched him. He was composed, but he was debating something.

     Zac stood up and sat down beside Kayden. Placing his hand on his boyfriend’s thigh, he encouraged his only love. “Babe, please. You’re doing great.”

     Kayden lowered his arms and placed one around Zac, who snuggled up to him. Kissing the top of Zac’s head, Kayden closed his eyes.

     “It was about two years after everything happened with my neighbors. I had isolated myself, and they didn’t know how to approach me. My mom was worried, and dad tried to spend time with me, but I was always ‘busy’. I never actually was.

     “School became hell for me. Who wanted to hang around with the stuck up kid? I did well enough for teachers to ignore me, but I was never close to anyone again. At that age, do you know what I was thinking? How I could best exploit my own parents. I knew how they felt about people like me, so I took advantage of their generosity whenever I could. I was spoiled, I guess.”

     “You must have been so lonely…”

     Kayden froze up. He was glad Zac wasn’t looking directly at him, because he’d be sure to see the monster inside of him. Don’t pity me!

     Closing his eyes again, Kayden breathed deeply. He fought down the demon that raged inside him. He had no right to hate Zac, but a part of him roared with contempt for his boyfriend. This is why I didn’t want to tell him… Kayden calmed himself. He knew he couldn’t stop there.

     “He will take your pain away…trust him.”

     “It was in June, grade 7, and I got in a huge fight. A bunch of kids who had been my friends when we were younger began to really torment me. They saw me as someone full of himself -- a brat who thought he was better than everyone. How could I blame them? I didn’t talk to anyone, and I ignored their gossip. I discovered that when they tried to pick on me, a snide grin was the best way to piss them off.

     “One day they just crossed the line… It was just schoolyard bullshit, and they probably didn’t even realize what their words meant to me. But I knew. They were the reason I was always looking behind my back. I snapped… I hurt some of the kids pretty bad before two teachers grabbed me and held me down on the ground.

     “In the office, councilors, teachers and the principal tried reasoning with me. They wanted me to repent, or something. I just sat smugly with a grin. They tried to find out what had provoked me. You could say that my attitude really pissed them off.

     “I remember feeling fear when they said they would be calling my parents. I literally froze up. I don’t know why. I kept trying to tell myself that I didn’t care what my parents thought. But even still, I felt disappointed in myself. They told my dad that I was being teased, and that I got angry and started the fight. I played scenarios in my mind where I could piss them off the most. But each time an idea went through my head, I pictured a look of disappointment on my parents’ faces. I was ashamed…”
     “Deep down, you wanted your parents to praise you, Kayden.” Zac didn’t budge from his spot, and Kayden was relieved that Zac couldn’t see his face at that moment. “They had every reason to be proud of you. You felt bad because you felt like you had failed them. You were only a kid, Kade. You only did what any of us would have done on that day in that situation.”

     “Would you have done the same?” Kayden asked.

     “I’m not sure. When I was hiding my sexuality, I felt ashamed for not having the courage to trust my friends. And because of my fears, I was pushing away the people who love me. I was lucky…”

     “We both are, I guess. I just didn’t realize it, then. That’s the worst part, too. I know my parents loved me, but I rejected their love. It never crossed my mind that their opinion might have changed. I just held on to my own opinion of what they thought about people like me.”

     “Like us…” Zac corrected.

     “Like us…”

     “So, what happened?”

     “Well, when he came to pick me up, he didn’t lecture me. He didn’t say anything, actually. He just put his hand gently on my shoulder and guided me out of that school. It was then that I realized maybe I was wrong about everything. I started to wonder if maybe their love for me would be greater than any generalized hate.

     “My dad was like Rick…and like your dad. He knew something was bothering me. I didn’t talk on the way home, and I didn’t say anything as I went straight to my room. I fell on my bed, and my room suddenly seemed so big for a kid who felt so small. It felt like when I overheard my parents talking to the Bennetts that time. This time, I crawled into my closet and closed it. In the darkness, I cried. Somehow I found that comforting… I’d never felt so alone in my life. I just kept wishing I was dead. I think I broke down that time, too… I didn’t hear my dad walk into the room. He found me in my closet, curled into a ball, still crying hard.  I remember him lifting me up and carrying me to my bed, and I remember being angry and trying to hit him. I guess I wanted him to get angry at me. But he never did. He just held me close to him. Next thing I knew I was holding onto him with my whole life. I remember him whispering in my ear how sorry he was. I didn’t understand why he was apologizing, but for that minute, I forgot the pain and the hate. I forgot everything. The need to be held and comforted…to be loved…was too great.”

     The tears that fell from Kayden landed on Zac. He felt his boyfriend squeeze him tighter, as if he were afraid to let him go. Kayden’s own heart pounded in his chest. To him it felt like Zac understood what he had gone through. He felt relieved to share the pain with someone who was willing to accept it.

     “Everything was a blur after that. Next thing I knew, I was in my dad’s Jeep and we were heading out. He told me that I didn’t have to go back to school for the last month of June. I was going to be suspended for a week, anyway, so my dad told them I wouldn’t be returning.”

*** FOUR YEARS EARLIER ***

     “So, I don’t have to go back?”

     “Not unless you want to,” Andy told his son. “Do you want to go back?”

     “No…”

     “That’s fine.” Andy smiled.

     They drove quietly, listening to some of Kayden’s dad’s music collection. A question probed at young Kayden’s mind.

     “Why aren’t you asking me what happened?”

     “Are you ready to tell me?”

     Kayden turned away.

     “You know I don’t push you, Kade. I don’t expect you to be anything but happy. To be honest, I haven’t seen you smile in…well, a long time. Your mom and I are worried and we’re hoping it’s just a phase, but in case it isn’t, I want you to know that I won’t push you until you’re ready to talk about whatever’s troubling you. Your mom and I will always love you.”

     “No you won’t,” the boy responded, staring out the window.

     Andy frowned as he turned momentarily to his son. “Yes, we will.”

     “You won’t…”

     “You’re a mind reader, now?” He cast his son a sideward glance. “I wish that were a fact, so you could see how wrong you are. But, if that’s how you feel, then it goes to show I haven’t always been there for you. I’m sorry, Kayden…”

     Only silence answered Andy.

***

     The two began unpacking as soon as they reached the cottage.

     “Looks like everything’s ready for us. Glad we don’t have to clean, eh? Looks like your uncle Charles cleaned it up for us!”

     Kayden shrugged.

     “Will you put the food in the fridge, Kade?”

     Kayden didn’t reply, but did as he was asked.

     When everything was set, Andy heard rain hitting the roof. “Looks like we got here just before the showers, Kade. How’s that for gut feelings?”

     Kayden shrugged and stepped out to the kitchen balcony that overlooked the lake. Dusk was settling behind the mountains far away on the horizon. He loved the view. He was glad the balcony had a roof. He took a seat and watched droplets of water dance on the balcony’s ledge.

     He didn’t jump when his father took a seat beside him. Instead, he looked at the two cups of ice and the two-litre of Canada Dry ginger ale.

     “You didn’t think I’d forget my son’s favorite drink, did you?” Andy asked, smiling warmly.     

     “I don’t drink pop anymore.”

     “Yeah? What’s up with that? Suddenly health conscious, eh? Moderation is key. It’s okay to have pop once in a while, you know.”

     With that, Andy uncapped the bottle and poured himself a glass. He waited for the fizz to settle before taking a sip. He savoured the crisp taste and released a sigh of satisfaction. “You sure you don’t want some?”

     Kayden swallowed. Maybe he didn’t want ginger ale, but it had been hours since his last bottle of water. He would have been lying if he told himself he wasn’t thirsty. He calmly sat forward and poured himself a cup. He tried not to seem too eager, and took extra time to prove that he wasn’t. 

       It wasn’t lost on Andy, as he noticed how Kayden wetted his lips as he anticipated the first sip.

     “Good?” Andy asked after Kayden had downed his first cup.

     “It’s all right,” Kayden replied while pouring a second glass.

     Andy chuckled and began to whistle as he pulled up a smaller bottle from beside his chair. He opened the cap and poured something into his cup of ginger ale.

     “What are you doing?” Kayden questioned. He tried to sound like he didn’t care, but he was obviously a curious boy.

     “It’s called rye.” Andy stretched the last word in a whisper. “Want some?”

     Kayden just stared at his dad.

     “It’s okay, I won’t tell your mom.”

     Kayden pushed out his cup. Andy smiled as he poured a bit of rye into his son’s glass.

     Kayden sniffed at the mixture before taking a sip.

     “Better?” Andy asked.

     “It’s all right…”

     The two stared out at the fading sun. Andy couldn’t have asked for a better scene. Although he wished he could share it with his wife, sharing it with his son was just as good.

***    

     Andy awoke to a piercing scream. His eyes shot open and he sat up. “Kayden!” he whispered.

     A thousand thoughts ran through his mind as he made his way to his son’s room. Swinging the door open, he found his son rocking slowly, in a sitting position. Kayden’s arms were wrapped around his knees and his fingers were digging into his arms. Tears and sweat streaked his face. His eyes were shut tightly and his breathing was erratic.

     Andy rushed to his son’s side, whispering his name. Kayden didn’t respond. Andy felt his son flinch as he brushed his hand through his hair in an effort to comfort him.

     “Nightmares?” Andy asked.

     Kayden’s body shook as more tears fell. “Th- they won’t stop! They won’t stop laughing at me…”

     “Who won’t?”

     Kayden wouldn’t answer. He kept shaking his head.  

     Andy placed his hands over Kayden’s, hoping to keep the boy from ripping his own flesh.

     “Come on, buddy, let go…”

     Kayden’s fingers relaxed slightly. Andy sat behind his son and wrapped his arms around the boy.

     “Shhh, it’s over now.”

     A low groan erupted from Kayden. Andy shook as if he was feeling his son’s strife.

     “It’s okay. I’m here, Kayden. I’ll always be here for you. I won’t ever let anything happen to you, son. I promise you…” Andy’s voice cracked. He didn’t know what was tormenting his son, yet he knew it was too much for a boy that age.

     He felt Kayden slowly calm down. Andy’s own tears fell against Kayden’s back. Kayden’s arms slowly crept around his father as he turned and buried his face against Andy’s chest.

     Andy lost track of time as he held his son. Eventually, Kayden’s seizing subsided. Slow, deep breathing told him his son was fast asleep.

     With great care, Andy laid his son down. He picked up the blanket Kayden had kicked to the floor and covered him with it. Lying beside Kayden, Andy pulled his son to him. Kayden faced him on his side. Andy stroked his son’s cheek. “Sleep well, Kayden.”

***           

     Andy awoke first. It was close to seven in the morning. Kayden still lay facing him. His breathing told Andy he was sleeping peacefully. It seemed too long since his son had last slept in the same bed as he and his wife. It used to bother Andy, because he couldn’t be intimate with his wife, but he soon realized how much he actually enjoyed those nights. He knew he had to leave his son’s room. He didn’t want to embarrass Kayden, so he slowly crept out of the bed and headed to the kitchen to brew some coffee.

     Kayden didn’t say anything when he finally stepped into the kitchen.

     “Orange juice?” Andy offered.

     “Coffee…”

     Andy hummed to himself as he poured his son a cup of coffee. “Here you are, big guy!”

     Kayden mumbled “thanks” and sat down.

     Andy watched as Kayden poured a little cream and dropped a single sugar cube into the coffee. That was how he and his wife took their coffee every morning. Kayden stirred his and took a sip. Andy almost laughed when he noticed Kayden’s mouth twitch. He turned his attention to his toast when Kayden looked up. Andy munched and added to the sketches he’d been doing. Every so often he’d look up to see Kayden adding more cubes to his coffee.

     When it was to Kayden’s liking, Andy sipped his own coffee. “Good coffee?”

     “It’s all right…”

     “Good, what do you want for breakfast?”

***           

     Andy read a book in the lounge as Kayden stared out at the lake. The rain had not let up overnight and it looked like it was going to be an indoor day.

     Andy peered over his book and found his son still staring out at the lake after an hour had passed.

     “If the rain stops early enough, we can take the boat out.”

     Kayden didn’t respond and Andy went back to his book.

     “It’s not my fault,” Kayden said suddenly.

     “What isn’t?” Andy asked, without looking up from his book.

     “I didn’t start the fight.”

     “I didn’t think so, and I never said you did, did I?” Andy asked slowly.

     Kayden was silent for a moment. “They made fun of me…”

     “They must have really pissed you off for you to go off on them like that… Four kids, eh? I was told you gave two of them a nose bleed.”

     “I guess…”

     “You guess? You whipped their asses good. I doubt they would say anything to you after all of that.”

     “Are you supposed to be encouraging fighting?” Kayden asked smartly.

     “You know it was wrong, Kayden. But if you’ve decided on something, then make sure you see it through. If you think it was worth getting suspended for, then there’s no reason for me to lecture you about it. All I ask is that you finish whatever you start. Did you finish it?”

     “I think I did.”  

     “Good. That’s all I ask of you in anything. And know that your mom and I love you dearly.”

     “Why do you keep saying that?”

     “Because it’s true. And hopefully you’ll realize it sooner than later.”

     Another hour passed before Andy said, “You never bring friends over anymore.”

     “I don’t have friends.”

     “Hard to believe. You’re a very likable person, Kade.”

     “Yeah, right…”

     “It’s true. I’m not just saying that because I’m your dad.”

     “Yeah you are.”

     “No, I’m not.”

     Kayden shrugged.

     “What does it take for you to believe what I say?” Andy closed his sketchpad, which he’d picked up after tiring of reading, and smiled.

     “Do you remember the Bennetts?” Kayden asked suddenly.

     Surprised by the question, Andy sat up straighter. “Yes, I do.”

     “Did the Bennetts love their son?”

     “I’m sure they did, and do. Why do you ask?”

     “They did before, but not after. They hated him because they thought he was gay…” Kayden whispered.

     Andy turned his full attention to his son. “Kade, why do you think that?”

     “…”

     Andy sighed. “The Bennetts love their son. Do you know what gay means, Kayden?”

     “I’m not stupid…”

     “Okay, I didn’t say you were. The Bennetts are not in favor of homosexuality, but that doesn’t mean they hate their son.”

     “They said homosexual people should be tagged or something. That they were ruining society. They said they should be killed…”

     “They didn’t say they should be killed, Kayden.”

     “Maybe not…but I’m sure they thought it, so how could they still love their son?”

     “Just because they don’t approve doesn’t mean they hate their son. How do you know all of this?” Andy paused. “You heard us? That was a while back.”

     Kayden nodded.

     “That boy…was different.”

     “He told me,” Kayden whispered.

     “Well, I guess he trusted you. But it doesn’t mean his parents don’t love him.”

     “They don’t…”

     “I’m sure they do, Kayden. A parent’s love is unconditional. That means they will love their son no matter what.”

     “They don’t…”

     “You’re mighty sure of yourself. How would you know?”

     Kayden shrugged.

     “Well, it’s true, kiddo, especially for you. Your mom and I would love you no matter what you did. And if you were in that situation, we’d still love you!”

     Kayden’s back stiffened. A second later, Andy’s mouth fell open.

     Andy watched as his son quickly turned away. Kayden started kicking at the carpet under his feet as Andy remained frozen.

     Andy then took off his glasses and spoke gently to his son. “Kayden, are you gay?”

     Kayden continued to kick at the carpet. Andy noticed that his son’s shoulders were trembling. He realized his own hands were shaking.

     “Would you still love me if I was?”

     “Oh, Kade, of course I would. Whatever made you think I wouldn’t?” Andy blurted out.

     “Because mom said God would judge us!” Kayden’s voice was strained. Andy could see his son’s reflection in the glass door. Kayden breathed heavily as tears began to trace his face.

     “No, no, no, Kade. That’s not what your mother meant.”

     “He showed me…we did things,” Kayden blurted out.

     “Kade…”

     “I’m sorry!” Kayden buried his head in his hands as his chest heaved.

     Andy got up and knelt in front of his son. He placed his hands on Kayden’s shoulders.

     “Did their son ever tell you who showed him those…those things you boys did?”

     Kayden nodded. “He said it was his sister’s friend.”

     “That’s right. But you see, Kade,” Andy said as he gently lifted his son’s face, “what that man did to the Bennetts’ son was wrong of him. He was an adult, and what he did was illegal. Do you understand?”

     Kayden shook his head, because he didn’t understand at all.     “So what I did was wrong?”

     “Son, that’s not it. What you boys did together was not wrong. Some boys experiment like that. It doesn’t make you gay. My cousin and I did that when we were that age, but I’m not gay. Understand?”

     Kayden sniffed.         “You did?”

     “Well, we just wanted to get our rocks off,” Andy told him. 

     “What does that mean?” Kayden asked as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

     “Ah, nothing. My point is, Kade, that I’m sure the Bennetts love their son dearly. Which is why they had to move.”

     “I think I might be gay,” Kayden revealed to his dad.

     “You may be, you may not be. You’ll know in the future. I still love you, Kayden. Is this why you thought we wouldn’t love you?”

     Kayden nodded.

     “Do you believe that I love you now?”

     Kayden shrugged. “I don’t know...”

     “Believe it, my boy. You don’t need to hide who you are from me or your mom. Can you let me in from now on?”

     Kayden didn’t hear the last bit. He froze as he realized that for more than two years he had pulled away from his parents when there had been no need to. Something clutched his heart tightly.

     “I’ve been alone for so long… Why only now?” Kayden said. Anger was evident in his voice. “I was alone!” he roared. 

     “I didn’t know, Kayden… Your mom and I were confused. We didn’t know why you were so upset. We never thought…or knew. It’s a poor excuse, I know. I just… Shit!”

     Kayden hung his head in silence.

     Andy didn’t know what to say to his son. He ran a hand though his own hair, upset that he hadn’t been more persistent in trying to discover what had been bothering Kayden. He turned to the windows and saw that the rain had stopped.

     “Listen…Kade, let’s just let it go for now, okay? All you need to know is that I’ll never judge who you are. I just want you happy. All of this might be too much to take in right now, but in time you’ll see that I love you no less than I did an hour ago.”

     Kayden didn’t respond as he stared outside.

     “Do you want to help me pull the boat out?” Andy asked energetically. “We could go for a quick spin before night hits. What do you say?”

     “Sorry, but I just want to be alone for a while.”

     Andy tried to minimize the look of rejection on his face. He knew that his son had just faced some of his own demons, and that he needed time to heal.

     Andy got up and stretched. “That’s fine, Kade.” He looked down at his son’s bowed head. He reached down and clamped a hand on Kayden’s shoulder and squeezed.

 “You’ve taken a big step towards becoming a man, Kayden. It’s not the amount of fights you get into, nor is it the amount of women you take to your bed. It’s your willingness to see things to the end and to stand by your convictions. You’ve done well… better than some men ever hope to do. You make me proud. Don’t ever forget that.”

*************

     Kayden closed his eyes. He had told Zac so much, and it made him feel as if he wasn’t alone. Zac was holding onto him as tightly as when he had started the story. He felt free. “You know what happened next…”

     Nodding, Zac warmed his fingers with his breath.

     Kayden stood up and stared out the back entrance of his house. “There’s still a lot I haven’t told you, Zac. But it’s getting easier to talk… I can’t describe it.”

     The dim lights of the living room created a blanket of calmness. The moonlight shining in was bright enough to give life to shadows in the room.

     “You look like you’re cold!” Kayden exclaimed.

Zac looked up to see Kayden giving him a hard look.

     Zac was going to tell him it was nothing, but Kayden suddenly grabbed his hands and rubbed them. “You’re such a fool, sometimes. Why didn’t you say anything?”

     “I never realized I was cold,” Zac mumbled. He was a bit embarrassed at being chewed out. Already, he could the see a change in Kayden.

     “I swear, Zac, you got to take care of yourself. You always get in trouble…  Your fingers are freezing!” Kayden exclaimed. “What?”

     Zac was smiling at Kayden.

     “You’re…a bit different,” Zac pointed out.

     “Whatever, Zac. I’m not going to change after getting some things off my chest. Doesn’t happen that quickly.”

     “No, I’m serious,” Zac said, as Kayden continued to rub their hands together. “I can’t describe it, but after we came back from Ottawa, I started feeling you pull away from me, bit by bit. Almost like you were afraid of something. It had me worried, especially with Brad around.”

     “I don’t care about that fucktard, all right? I care about you! I really don’t know what I’d do without you. Everyone lets me down, Zac. You’re the only one who’s always been true to me. You have noting to hide. No burdens to shut out.”

     “My life isn’t all that peachy, if that’s what you mean,” Zac said.

     “With me in it, it never will be,” Kayden whispered.

     “I didn’t mean it that way. As well balanced as you think I am, I’m pretty messed up. People are always trying to raise me up like some sort of icon, and I hate it. Even being out. I didn’t even want to come out. And suddenly I have people respecting me because they think I was trying to make a statement! They treat me like I’m Christ, sometimes!”

     “Is that so wrong?”

     “I guess not. But I hate it. I feel like they expect me to live a certain way, but I might not. I’d rather have something real with my family and friends than to create a phony image that everyone looks up to. You see how our classmates are. We need more people like Phil, Joe…hell, even Brad is more real than some of the people at school. Everyone is so…superficial!”

     Kayden stopped rubbing Zac’s fingers. “Wow…”

     “What?”

     “You’re pretty vocal about this stuff. You never told me any of it.”

     “Well, our friends deal with it every day, too.”

     “Lenne doesn’t look like she would mind. She’s pretty superficial,” Kayden commented.

     “She’s materialistic.”

     “Is there a difference?”

     “A big one. Call her those on separate occasions and see which one gets you slapped. Then you’ll know the difference.”

     “I think I’ll just take your word on it.”

     “What are we even talking about?” Zac groaned as he looked up.

     Kayden thought for a second. “How fucked up we are?”

     Zac turned to Kayden and started laughing. Kayden chuckled to himself and joined his boyfriend a moment later.

     “You know my story isn’t over,” Kayden said.

     “I figured you didn’t have any more in you for now.”

     “I could continue. I want to finish.” Kayden smiled. “I feel like I can.”

     “And here you said you don’t feel a change…”

     Kayden leaned his forehead onto Zac’s shoulder. “I feel closer to you than I ever have, Zac.”

     “That’s awesome! I feel the same. Can we just stay like this for a few minutes? Just hold me for a while?”

     Kayden wrapped his arms around Zac and kissed his forehead.

     Zac kept his eyes open with a look of contentment on his face.

     “The truth is, the reason I ran away was because I was causing my mom absolute pain.”

     Kayden swallowed. “Whenever she looked at me, it was with such a sad expression. I knew she could see my father through me.”

     Zac looked up to the single photo of Kayden and his parents on Kayden’s mantle. Kayden did look similar to his father. While Kayden had grown muscular since the time of the photo, due to his rigorous training, his father looked more like a runner or a cyclist.

     “She began to spend more and more time away from home, and I knew it was because I reminded her of my dad. And with her gone, my uncle showed up more often…”

     “Oh, Kade,” Zac groaned.

     Kayden felt the love that radiated from Zac. He didn’t feel like his boyfriend pitied him. It was more like he shared the actual pain. Zac was hurting for him.

     Clearing his voice, Kayden continued. “He was feeding me more of his bullshit, but I believed many of the things he said. My mom was having a harder and harder time looking at me. My family was ruined because of me. He didn’t say it like that. It was more like, ‘Don’t blame yourself too much, Kayden. It isn’t your fault your family is broken’.”

     “That’s bullshit, Kayden. You didn’t ruin anything.”

     “Yeah, but what is it, then? Bad luck? Who’s to blame?”

     “No one is to blame, babe,” Zac said. “Life has a way of sorting things out. It led you to me, right?”

     Kayden sighed. “You don’t know how much this means to me, Zac. To hold you here is worth all that. I hate to admit it, but if none of the crap that I went through had happened, I may have never met you. I feel crappy, thinking…”

     “Don’t think,” Zac said.

     Smiling, Kayden thanked God for Zac’s love.

     “Anyway, back to my uncle. I tried my best not to fall for his garbage. But you can only take so much without wondering who’s right. And one day, I saw how right he was. It wasn’t bullshit. I was killing my mother. I found a letter, or a note, in her room one day. It was everything I feared. In her own writing, she wrote that she was depressed around me. She wrote that it was all my fault. She wished it had been me instead of him.”

     Tears didn’t fall from Kayden’s eyes. His eyes didn’t flash with anger or hate. Instead, a blank look came over them. “She didn’t love me as she had before. In a way, I felt betrayed by what my dad had said. He said he and my mom would never stop loving me. I don’t blame her. But at the time, I felt like the only thing I could do for her was to disappear from her life. I just hope she’s happy… I really do. I don’t hate her, because it’s my fault her happiness was shattered.”

     Zac didn’t say anything.

     “Zac?”

     “I’m so sorry, Kade…”

     Kayden closed his eyes. He was hoping Zac would say more to help take his pain away; anything to make him feel better. Instead, his words seemed to open a hole is Kayden’s chest. He didn’t feel alone with his pain, though. Zac was there. And at that moment, their tears were proof of the burden they were sharing.

***********

     Blake ignored the pain in his chest. He didn’t know how far he’d run. He was just trying his best to get away. This can’t be fucking happening! I need to warn Kayden!

     He stopped to look around. Fuck! How the hell did I make such a stupid mistake?

     He heard the sound of feet pounding towards him in the dead-end alleyway. Turning around, he held his breath to stabilize his breathing. He knew if he was going to get out alive, he had to be calm, or at least appear to be.

     When the figure stepped into view, Blake’s shoulders sagged.

     “So… Neil sent you?” Blake asked, showing a smirk.

     “Looks like it,” the man said. He didn’t try to hide his identity. Blake could make out every detail of the thug. He knew he couldn’t be much older than himself. He had to be around 23.

     Looking around, Blake placed his fists on his hips. “How do we do this, then?”

     “Whichever… I gotta finish it quick, though. I gotta call my girl.”

     “How about I call mine first? I’d like to talk to her one last time before this goes down.” Blake smirked again.

     “I think not, Blake,” the man answered.

     Looking down submissively, Blake cocked his head. “Then let’s do this!”

***

     Flicking his cigarette out the car window, the man answered his cell phone. “Yeah?”

     “And how is my good friend doing now?”

     “Just like you like ‘em, Neil.”

     “Fine. Did you clean up good?”

     “Yeah, no worries.”

     “Be sure of it,” Neil said. “My uncle doesn’t like fuck ups.”

     The man was about to toss his phone to the passenger seat when it started ringing again. After looking at the screen, he answered. “Hey, babe! How’s it goin’?”

     “I’m bored,” the girl said. “Like, I feel like a machine or something. Do they really, like, expect me to memorize all this?”

     The man laughed. “You’re a smart gal. You can do it.”

     “Aww, that’s why I love you, Alex! You get me, like, so well! When are you coming back?”

     “I’m on my way back now, girl. Hold tight, aight?”

     “Okay. I’ll, like, be waiting, ’kay?”

     “For sure! I’ll see you soon, Alicia…”

END OF CHAPTER 3