I’m Cletus Thomas, Clete to my friends. Clete being a family name. I’m a Jr. My father was a Jr. I don’t know what my grandfather was, except he was Clete too and they call him Big Clete when he comes up in conversation.
Big Clete died before I was old enough to call him anything. I’m telling you these things because my story needs to start somewhere.
Some of us come out easy. Some of us come out hard. One thing is for sure, if you’re gay, your time will come. You either come out when it’s time or you risk the prospect of never coming out.
I was nineteen when the time came for me.
I decided that I needed to be honest with myself and to my feelings. I am gay. I’ve been gay since forever. No one knows or suspects that I’m gay.
I had no difficulty hiding the fact I was gay. I’m an athlete. I played soccer and lacrosse in high school and after high school I joined a local rugby team. Rugby is a rough sport. No one looking at a rugby player thinks he’s gay. That doesn’t mean he can’t be gay.
That is no one until I decided to come out and I made my first foray into the seedy side of Aurora. I’d lived in Aurora for my entire life and I didn’t know there was a seedy side of town, until my best buds and I went searching for it.
The only places I’d been before were pristine and almost new. We lived in the newer part of Aurora. We’d grown up in the part of town that grew up with us. It’s all we knew.
I heard about the seedy side of town once I got to high school, after I turned sixteen. There were strip clubs, rooms to rent by-the-hour, places young dudes went to take care of the problem that had become serious and I went to town with my buds to to locate where that problem could be solved. At first we always chickened out once we reached our destination.
It was dingy with flashing lights and a come-on to get you inside.
I listened to my friends talk about how badly they needed relief. There were stories they heard from boys who claimed to have made the journey to the seedy side of town. They bragged about how they’d gotten off twice and only left to give lesser boys a shot.
While even once was probably a reach, they did give us an idea of what we would find down there. My friend’s bravado passed as we drew closer to our destination.
There would come a day when I would make my way back to the seedy side of town. It was only a matter of time. As a rugby player, I knew not to be tentative with my moves. That’s how you got hurt. I applied this rule to coming out.
I wanted to find out what it meant to be gay and there would be risk, but I didn’t intend to let someone think they could browbeat me into doing something I wasn’t ready to do. Being big enough to discourage anyone from crowding me, I remained apprehensive.
I wanted to see what was there, being careful not to take up with anyone who looked like trouble. I’d find a nice clean cut boy my age and see where we went from there.
It wasn’t far to the forbidden zone. The excitement, passion, and desire could lead me down the wrong street and into a situation I wasn’t ready for. Once there, I’d be prepare to face the unknown. This meant being prepared to bail if I got in over my head.
Even if I missed some cues, I could bluff my way around obstacles, but once passion and desire intoxicated me more than any booze or any aphrodisiac, could I resist temptation?
I could be a step from a fall but, buoyed by the mystery of what was dead ahead, I would eagerly take the next step. When the time came, it was as if I walked into a cloud and became consumed by the night. I wasn’t so much a part of the scene as I was an observer of it.
Once I stepped off the last curb on the nice side of town, I was aware of the glitz and glitter straight ahead. The air did seem thinner once I reached the other side of the street.
My heart beat faster. There were arcades, book stores, bars, and parlors advertising escorts and services. People walked fast with their hats pulled low. The excitement flowed through me.
I walked farther down the seedy streets and toward brighter and brighter lights. They came in a rainbow of colors. Everything seemed fresh and new as my heart beat ever faster.
This was where I’d find people like me. I had no doubt about it.
Reading invitations to come inside, I kept walking. Whatever the future held for me, these streets would lead me to where I needed to go. The answers to my questions were here.
I would walk until I saw the right invitation. It would give me a warm glow. I would walk for as long as it took to find that warm glow. There was no turning back now.