I knew Greg felt something for me. In between his anger and his sarcasm, he felt something he didn’t necessarily understand. My feelings for him were complicated. His feelings were more intense than he let on. In spite of it all he stayed surprisingly easy to get along with the entire weekend we spent interruption free.
As we laid in bed that night, my hand holding the steel he kept whenever we were in bed together, he confessed in a way that was more confusing than before. Greg was a mess.
“I got laid. I knew this girl from school. She worked at the Five and Dime. I ran into her when I went in for some gum. I stopped to talk to her a few times, even when I didn’t need gum.
“On the day of my accident I stopped by to see her. She was getting off early. She said I should drive her home if I wasn’t busy. I put my hand on her thigh while we were in the car. She put her hand on my erection.
“No one was home at her house. We went in through the kitchen. She had this wild look in her eye. I figured we make out and maybe I’d cop a feel. She had more than a feel in mind. We’d just gotten inside the door when she grabbed my dick through my pants. She unzipped my pants and went down on me. I nearly came.
“Before I caught my breath we were screwing on her kitchen table. I lasted maybe five minutes and that took some real effort. I’d never been caught totally unexpected like that before. I was never prepared to warm up to the main event. We just straight to it and I was giving her all I had in no more than a minute or two.
“When I was done, I went to sit in the living room. She was getting me a beer. Can you imagine that? I just gave her all she could handle and she brings me a Bud?
“I lean over to set the beer down next to the lamp, after drinking half of it in one swig. She’s straddling me before the beer hits the table. Just reached down and flipped what she wants out of my pants. She rode me like I was her pony and she was in a hurry to get where she was going.
“She showed no signs that she had all she could handle. I came the second time faster than the first time. What a bummer that was. I never do that. I can hold off as long as I want but I hadn’t had pussy in a while. That might have been it. She caught me by surprise both times and that might have been it.
“She sat there, realizing I didn’t go soft after I got off. She was easy on it for a while, feeling whatever she could feel. I finished the Bud and caught my breath for the first time since I got there.
“Once she felt it getting stiff again, she began to ease up and down on it. When it was fully hard, she slipped off me. My dick shinned from her being on it. It was really hard after she got off it. I was hornier than I’d ever been before. It was like we hadn’t fucked twice. I was ready for anything.
“She took me upstairs to her bedroom. That’s where we finally got out of our clothes. She didn’t have a bad body. Nice tits. That’s what I wanted to see. It’s what I’d been daydreaming about.”
“After the first two times, I wasn’t about to get off that fast again. I took over and we started out on her bed with me on top of her. We were all over that bed, on the floor, in the bathroom, and there wasn’t anything she would let me do. We both liked doggy style with me behind her on the bed. I could get some traction that way. I let her have it big time. It made a slapping sound I fucked her so hard.
“I noticed a picture under he lamp by the bed. It was her and a tall skinny dude with dark hair. Not skinny like Herbie. He was muscular thin. He was maybe 20 and they were holding hands. When she saw me looking at it, she turned it face down. That was her boyfriend.
“What happened?” I wanted to know
“Quarter to six she jumps up and says, “You got to go. My boyfriend will be home in fifteen minutes. This is the first place he wants to go. Can’t have you in here. He’s open minded but that might be stretching things a bit.”
“What did you do?”
“I headed for the door, dressing on the way. She was still naked so this wasn’t easy. We kissed at the back door.
“Bet your boyfriend doesn’t have a dick as big as mine,” I said, as she grabbed it through my pants again.
“No, you’re a bit thicker. He’s longer though. Skinny boys have a real reach, you know.”
“Can you beat that. She rushes me out of there without letting me get my rocks off again. Then she insults my dick, telling me her boyfriend’s is bigger.”
“Longer,” I reminded him. “You’re thicker.”
“Who’d think to look at that skinny guy that he’d have a dick bigger than mine? I’m not small.”
“No, you are obsessed. Herbie is longer. He’s tall and skinny.”
“I guess you’re right but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. She could have lied. I gave her all I had.”
“Honesty is sometimes cruel,” I said.
“I’d like to get a look at his dick. I wonder how long he is. I’m long. He must belong to the foot long club.”
“You’re fatter,” I said. “Long and thick is better.”
”The last time I got laid was in German. I’d fucked Herbie’s girlfriend just to piss him off. He didn’t care. The second time I got her he wanted to watch. Herbie’s a sex fiend, you know?”
“Herbie had a girlfriend? I find that hard to believe.”
“He thought she was his. The fact she screwed other guys didn’t bother him. At fifteen I didn’t care what he thought. He was always pulling on my dick. I figured he owed me a shot at his girlfriend.
“He never said anything about that. Pretty shabby if you ask me. Fucking your friends girlfriend. He didn’t care as long as I let him play with me afterward.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I was horny and I wasn’t very nice in those days. I took all comers if they acted the least bit interested. I was hard more than I was soft. Sex was always on my mind.”
“Unlike these days,” I said.
“Anyway, once we started, I didn’t want to stop. We just kept fucking and I was super horny. I wanted to get off again. You know how I am.”
“Yes I do. Nice. Very nice. Hot, very hot. Good, very good.”
“Shut up, Martin.”
“You left or were you kissing when the boyfriend shows up?”
“What am I going to do, fight her boyfriend for her? This was a one shot deal. I knew that. She was a good screw. I didn’t want to marry her. I left. For all I knew he had a gun.
“At the door she gives me this deep kiss and she grabs my dick through my pants, which is where we started. I’m hard. She squeezes and twists it. First she wouldn’t give me time to finish and then she torments me at the door. I’ve got to go and I’m fantasizing about all the ways we’d screwed the last three hours.
“Was I proud of myself. At two there was nothing going on. At three I was nailing her on her kitchen table. I’m feeling my dick and thinking about where it’s just been. I wake up in the hospital, nearly dead. I never did find out what happened. I mean it was obvious but did I have my dick out when I wrecked? I don’t remember. It’s not like I’m going to ask the folks who picked me up. Hey, was my dick out?”
“You were jacking off while driving?”
“I don’t have to jack off, Martin. There’s always someone to do that for me. Has been since I was ten, but yeah, I might have been jacking off. I didn’t have my mind on what I was doing. That’s for sure. I couldn’t forget what I’d just done. I wanted it to last longer. Call it the call of pussy.”
“You’re straight,” I said, almost yielding the point to him.
“Oh, shut up. I didn’t tell you that for that. You asked me and I’ve never told anyone just how fucking stupid I am. I nearly died over pussy. I haven’t seen her since. She got married while I was in the hospital. I’m not sure she wasn’t engaged when we fucked that day. I bet she married the guy in the picture. Mr. Long.”
“I don’t see where that’s so much different from other things you do, Greg. Why dwell on it? You could have been coming home from having a hamburger and a Coke. Quit obsessing on the dick of the guy she married. It was a one time deal. What does it matter who she married?”
“It’s a matter of honor. She said his dick was bigger than mine.”
“Longer, Greg.”
“That’s pretty damn big, Martin. The guy must have a horse cock. No wonder I didn’t make her squeal. She had bigger up there.”
“Maybe you’ll run into the boyfriend one day and you can compare notes. See what she meant. Tell him once you were done she said he was longer and you want to see just how long he is,” I said.
“No, I don’t think so. I was so crazy about sex that I almost killed myself over it. That’s the point of the story. I told you so someone knows how stupid I am. I don’t know what I feel about any of it, except dying over pussy doesn’t seem like a good idea.”
“Well, I won’t let you drive,” I said.
“Very funny. I drive fine. I was distracted.”
“I don’t know why you want to make it a big deal,” I said. “It was a one time deal and now you know better.”
“Because it is a big deal. Why didn’t I leave it alone? Why wasn’t I paying attention? We’d fucked all afternoon. I still wanted to fuck. Look at Bobby-Lee. I saw the glint in his eye and a minute later I’m forcing his face down on my dick. One minute after he saw my erection, I had him on it. There’s something wrong with me.”
“You were horny. Lee was horny. You do present a pretty picture when you’re hard, Greg. That isn’t the same as with the girl. You hadn’t had anything in months when Lee did you. You’re a horny guy and you’re at your peak.”
“You’re a genius. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said. “You’re going to make a federal case out of it no matter what I say.”
“Nothing to say. You say I don’t talk to you. Now you know. That’s all. It wasn’t about me being horny. It was about how I had the accident. My life’s about one sexual fantasy after another.”
We laid together in Greg’s bed. My arms were wrapped around him. I was naked. He was naked. There was no tentative tension in his body from the physical contact.
My arms were around him without objection. It was perfect, except for Greg’s denial that never got very far away. He’d told me the truth about his accident. It didn’t explain much about him.
“Do you still think I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever seen?” he asked me, after I thought he’d fallen asleep. “You said when we first met, I was the hottest guy you’d ever seen.”
“Absolute the hottest guy.”
“Big too,” he confessed. “Thick and long.”
“Five ten isn’t that big, Greg. It’s just right for me. I’m five eight and five ten is perfect. It’s not so much how high you are stacked, it’s how it all comes together.”
“Big dick. Big cock. You didn’t notice that I suppose.”
“Hard to miss,” I said. “It’s the cherry on top.”
“You know how annoying it is when you say that?”
“What?”
“I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever seen. I’m not queer. I’m not going to get queer. We’re friends, Martin. That’s all. Friends.”
“Friendly is nice,” I said, hugging him from behind, feeling his body conform to mine as I moved.
“You know what I mean. I know what you want,” he said.
“That makes one of us,” I said. “I wish I knew.”
“You aren’t going to butt fuck me no matter how drunk I get. I let you do this because I still need you, you know.”
“Uh huh,” I said.
My hand was on his belly and I felt him stiffening as he objected to our intimate pose. The fat warm head of his dick rested on the side of my hand. He’d used his hips to ease it against my flesh a couple of times. I could feel his heartbeat quickening through his back. He was always horny.
“For all his bravado Greg was a frightened little boy. His feelings had him held hostage. I’d always been intimidated by him, but I wasn’t any more. I hardly listened to his words, until tonight. He told me a lot more than he intended.
“Yes, Pabst generated almost all our best physical contact. It didn’t matter how much Pabst. At times he wanted attention after a half beer. Greg didn’t like the attention. He needed it. Beer was his cover. He could always say he didn’t know what he was doing, but Greg knew exactly what he was doing. He needed cover to do it.
My cock was no less invested in our posture. I couldn’t hold Greg and stay soft. I couldn’t look at Greg and stay soft. I kept it so it wasn’t right up in Greg’s ass crack, but it grew up until that’s where it was. I was sure he’d pressed more firmly back against me. He made no attempt to rearrange himself or me.
In spite of his apprehension about such things, he didn’t object to any access I took with him. Holding him was so far beyond anywhere I expected to be tonight, I just did it and let the cards fall where they may. He’d bee so distant the last week, I wanted to make the most of our closeness.
His story about the girl he was with before his accident made it apparent to me that Greg was basically straight. What did that matter if I could hold him and watch him grow excited by being touched. Greg was never going to react with a boy the way he did with the Five and Dime girl, but he’d had way more boys than girls. His obsession with her boyfriends dick revealed even more about him.
“That first day I brought you home,” he said.
“I think I remember,” I said, knowing every detail.
“You said you’d never been with a boy before? That was over two years ago.”
“Spring two years ago. It’s fall now.”
“You wanted me to be the first?” he asked.
“First mature guy. When I was a little boy, the little boys played show me yours and I’ll show you mine. There was some of that. Everyone touching someone else’s dick.”
“You remember what you did to me? I mean when you got me off? You were doing something to me.”
“I remember. I felt you up.”
“You did way more than that. I let you do way more than I let other boys do. I’d never let anyone do that before.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I enjoyed it.”
“Shut up, Martin.”
There was a trace of dampness on the side of my hand where he pushed up so his dick slid on my flesh. It could have been sweat, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want to break the mood we’d fallen into and I made no attempt to further his excitement.
“You touched me like no one ever did before. Mostly it was all good clean fun. Even in Germany it was lose and you pay up. No big deal. Everyone lost to the older boys at first. That was the point. Older boys excited the younger boys. Seeing it made it hotter. Even that didn’t compare with what you did to me that day. I don’t even know how it happened.
“I’d never been that hot. I never shot off without working up to it with a boy. You just kept feeling me, making me hotter and hotter. You made me dizzy. That was the best orgasm I ever had, Martin. Absolutely the best. I didn’t even know I was going to get off and when I did, it was so intense I felt like I left my body. It shook me up.”
“Well, I’d say there was something more to it than someone feeling you up. I felt a lot of heat coming off you. Whatever I say will piss you off, so the fact I felt the way I did about you might have something to do with what you felt.”
“I wasn’t going to see you again, you know?”
“No.”
“Every time I saw you…, especially if I saw you with Doug, it pissed me off.”
“Why’s that? Doug’s a great guy.”
“I hated what you made me feel. I loved what you made me feel. I was never going to let you do it again. I couldn’t wait for you to do it again. It’s because of the intensity of what I felt that I never wanted it to happen again. You were a boy.”
“You’re confusing as hell. I’m not the first boy to touch you.”
“I’m not queer.”
“Okay, Greg.”
“I don’t want to be queer.”
“Okay, but those are two different thoughts.”
“I don’t know what I feel. Horny has always been good enough, until I met you. I never had to feel to let boys pull on my cock. All I felt was good. There was a logic to it. I liked feeling good.”
“Okay, Greg. Where do girls fit in here. When do they get to pull on your dick?”
“Cut it out. Girls want your name on the dotted line before they give it up. You’ve got to make an investment I’m not ready to make. I don’t need your approval to be this way. I’m telling you what I feel,” he argued with me. “Or don’t feel in this case.”
“If I don’t say something, how do you know I heard what you are saying?”
“Hear? If you get any closer you’ll be in my ear. If you can’t hear me you’ve gone deaf.”
“You want me to leave?”
“No. I’m trying to explain my feelings.”
“You said you don’t know what you feel.”
“I know what I said. Do you have to repeat everything.”
“If you want me to know what you feel, don’t you need to know what you feel?”
“Why are you making this so difficult?”
“Greg, all I’m doing is listening and trying to understand.”
“Yeah, right, and my dick’s an ice cream cone and you want to give it a good licking.”
“Sounds good to me,” I said, wondering what flavor the ice cream was.
“I was always mad at you because you made me feel the way you did. You made me like something I didn’t think I could like. You’re always so damn sexual around me. I just didn’t want what happened to happen again. I don’t like it when someone else calls the shots, especially when they’re using my dick to do it.”
“What we did that first day? You brought me home to get me to play with you. I knew what was going to happen? You didn’t?”
“I didn’t know you’d do that. I didn’t like it, Martin. You got a lot further than anyone else ever did. That’s what made me mad at you. It wasn’t you. It’s what you did,” he said, picking his words carefully. “Then I started seeing you with Doug and that pissed me off even more. I caught you two a couple of times and I didn’t like it.”
“You mean you didn’t like that you did like it.”
“You heard what I said. You know what I mean. You keep putting words in my mouth because you’re hoping I’ll be your gay boy. Well, I’m not. I’m not gay.”
“If it was so bad for you, why am I here? Why are we still talking about it? If I got you to do something you hated so much, why did you shoot all over my underwear. Why did you stay so still and let me do it?”
“You just did it. I didn’t let you do it. I was lying there and you did it.”
“You mean, “Do that some more,” meant not to do that any more? You didn’t stop me. You were in seventh heaven. What you say and what you do don’t match up, Greg.”
The silence built on itself. I imagined he fell asleep. We were still in his bed with his back to my front. I had my arms around him. We were both naked. He’d been hard from the get go.”
“You certainly didn’t have any trouble getting off.”
“See what I mean. That’s all it was about for you. Getting me off. Did you think of how it made me feel?”
“Like coming? It’s difficult to have an orgasm without something going on that you like.”
“I didn’t know I was going to do that.”
“You didn’t say stop. I didn’t know what I was ding. I went along with whatever you said to do. You put yourself in that position.”
“See what I mean. You turn everything sexual. It wasn’t a position. I was lying on my pool table. You did the rest.”
“We were there so I’d get you off. I’d call that sexual, Greg. I got you off after following your instructions,” I said. “I didn’t show up with the knowledge of how to best get you off.”
“You did that to my ass. I didn’t like it,” he said firmly.
We were talking about the first time we were ever together. It lasted two hours two years ago. He’d avoided me whenever I was around after that. Doug and I got along and so I didn’t stop coming around. I liked Greg. I liked Doug and he never said not to come back.
“We didn’t do it again, Greg. Why are we still talking about the first time I played with your dick? We weren’t ever alone together again for over a year, until I came to the hospital to see you,” I said. “Than you were pissed because I wouldn’t do what you say you’re pissed about me doing. Have I got that straight or am I missing something?”
“Not because I wasn’t waiting for a chance to do anything. That’s why you pissed me off. Then when I’ll take anything you want to give me, you won’t touch me.”
“Sorry. I don’t do shows for hospital personnel and patients.”
“Shut up, Martin. You were doing my brother.”
“That’s what this is about. It’s not about you and me. Doug likes me. I like him. You weren’t even talking to me most days. You went the other way every time you saw me. Doug liked being around me. I stopped seeing him when I started going to the hospital to see you. He’s pissed about that.”
“I don’t want you dicking around with my little brother,” he said.
“Did I just say not since I started going to the hospital. You’re pissed off at something that hasn’t happened in over a year. You weren’t even speaking to me.”
“You two are all chummy every time I see you.”
“I always manage to piss you off, Greg. You’ve been pissed off at me most of the time that I’ve known you. I’d rather be with you than anyone else, but I’m not staying alone just to protect you from getting jealous. I don’t love you that much.”
“Jealous of my little brother? Get real. He doesn’t have what I’m packing.”
“No but he’s nice, and what he has he enjoys sharing. He treats me like he likes me.”
“I’m not pissed off. I’m trying to explain what I am. What I feel.”
“Greg, I know who you are. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to go. I’ve seen you at your worst and I’ve seen you at your best. I want to see you without attitude. That’s what I’m waiting to see. Just plain Greg. That’s who I’m waiting for.”
“I’m a cripple. You still think I’m the hottest guy you know?”
“You had an accident. You’re healing. With one leg tied behind your back, you’re still the hottest guy I’ve ever seen,” I said, whispering it in his ear so it was as intimate as I intended.
“You think my legs will ever be the way they were?”
“Sure. After all that time they spent straightening them back out. Your legs will be fine. It’ll take time.”
“You’re just saying that because you want me to like you,” he said. “I know what you want. You don’t fool me.”
“I got what I want,” I said squeezing him closer. “I don’t lie.”
“You lied when you told me you weren’t screwing Doug,” he said, sounding delighted he caught me in a lie.
“What I heard about you and Rolf. You told me it wasn’t so, Greg. I’ve heard the same story from Herbie and Doug. What say you about lying when the subject is sex?”
“Shut up, Martin. I was 12,” Greg reminded me. “I was a kid.”
“12, 13, 14, and 15 from what I heard. I don’t think you were ever a kid.”
“He went into the army when I was 14. I was in Germany. I did what the Germans did,” Greg explained. “If I hadn’t been in Germany I’d probably be a normal boy.”
“Herbie made you do it. The Germans made you do it. Did you ever think that they made it easy for you to do what you wanted to do, Greg?”
“Shut up, Martin. If you loved me you wouldn’t keep saying stuff like that. It’s not nice to question my past. I did things I shouldn’t have done. I wouldn’t do it now.”
“I’m not the one questioning your past. You are. I’m just giving you the facts as I understand them. All I know is what I hear.”
“You can’t believe everything you hear.”
“No you can’t,” I agreed.
“See, we don’t disagree on everything.”
“Not everything.”
“Good,” he said.
“You do like me, Greg. In your own way you love me. You love the way I make you feel. You love me because I haven’t let you run me off the way you run everyone off. You don’t like that I make you feel something that you don’t like, even when you like it.”
I had more to say but I hesitated to give him a chance to object. I knew he wasn’t sleeping because of the rate his heart was beating against my chest and through his back. After a minute, I finished.
“I’ve never been in love, so I don’t know what to expect. I’ll take what I can get, but we aren’t all that different, Greg.”
“Boys can’t love other boys,” he said without conviction.
Thus ends Discovering Love. Thanks for reading.