Discovering Love

Chapter 15
Being Aware

As I began to settle into a life that took me the final distance away from childhood and schooling, I was only beginning to become educated in life. Like entering first grade, I didn’t know how much it had to do with where I was going or where I might end up.

I was working, I had someone to love. My life was taking some shape a few weeks after leaving school. None of it was familiar. My autonomy meant I was making my own decisions and disregarding how my parents might react. I no longer had to ask permission to live my life my way.

I was thinking about how best to gain some perspective on my awkwardness around Greg. Loving him didn’t mean I was ready to create difficulties in other parts of my life if I could avoid it. I thought about him far too much. I needed to keep my mind off him while I was at work. Daydreaming about him was my best thing, but it wasn’t for work. The hour just before I was on my way to see him was the worst.

Greg was becoming more bold. He was coming back to life. He’d been on low ebb while he was chained to his bed, but as soon as the chains were severed, he began testing how far he could go.

Telling Greg he had limits was like telling a cat to sit quietly and stay out of the way. Greg was going to do what Greg was going to do no matter what I did. I accepted he was fully developed when I fell in love with him. I couldn’t demand that he conform to my idea of the kind of guy I wanted to be in love with. That didn’t mean there wouldn’t come a time when I needed him to make changes.

I had no idea what kind of guy I wanted to love before I met Greg. All I knew after I met him was that he was the guy. I doubt I had any options to speak of. There he was. There I was, and the rest was written on a warm spring breeze.

Until that moment love was merely a word, an idea, a thought that occurred to me from time to time without knowing any thing more. Like in the first grade, I followed what unfolded in front of me without knowing where it would take me. Many had gone there before me and they all figured it out, as far as I could tell anyway.

I’m sure Greg was doing what he was told to do when they were working on strengthening his right leg. If Greg had limitations, he didn’t let them show. The cast was an obvious handicap, but Greg worked around physical challenges. I never saw him look defeated. He gave everything the good old college try, working around his disability.

I saw Greg through adoring eyes. How much of what I saw was really there is a good question. He was almost always sure of himself. He knew what he wanted and usually got it. He was never totally obnoxious and he could be charming and even vulnerable when he wasn’t working on an angle, or at least I thought he could.

The cast didn’t make his maneuverability any easier. It was difficult for him to drag it around and it didn’t take much to wear him out. He’d been flat on his back for months. His stamina hadn’t returned yet, but he got stronger by the day.

Greg knew better than to risk breaking the cast, and maybe his leg along with it. He understood, accepting his limitations without pushing his luck too often. Everything else was fair game. Greg didn’t want to be in bed any longer, and I couldn’t blame him. He was ready to rock and roll.

On Friday I walked onto his ward, expecting nothing unusual. I was surprised, which wasn’t unusual. Greg was up and in the coat that came with him to the hospital the night he was admitted. When I walked to his bedside, he handed me a blue slip of paper without talking.

“It’s a pass,” I said, reading it.

“Give the man a cigar. Take me downstairs and bring your car around. I’m going home,” he said.

There were crutches leaning in the corner next to his bed.

“Do you know how to drive these things?” I asked.

“Is a bear Catholic? What’s to know? You can spot for me. If I fall down. Catch me. OK?”

“Easy for you to say?”

“Help me up,” he said, offering me his arm.

I pulled him up onto the huge cast.

“We’ll figure it out as we go along,” he assured me.

“It’s like 80 degrees out,” I said.

“I’m fine,” he said.

He leaned on the crutches and we were on the move.

“Have a nice time,” a nurse said, as we passed her station.

“I plan to,” Greg said, not looking back.

That sounded ominous.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Where were his parents? He was eighteen. He could leave the hospital if he wanted, couldn’t he? I’d seen his parents once and that was the first month Greg was in the hospital. Maybe he was going to surprise them. This thought was comforting but didn’t sound at all like Greg.

Once I brought the car around, what were we going to do and where were we really going? I was dealing with Greg and the memories from our first few months of knowing one another passed through my mind.

We took the elevator downstairs. People smiled and said hello. I nodded. Greg smiled.

I left him by the door to get my car.

Getting Greg into the car was a bit of a bother. He had to sit in the backseat with the front passenger seat folded forward. He had to sit down and scoot toward the driver’s side as I guided the cast into the only space where it would fit. It was an awkward position for him to be in but he was too excited to think about being cramped for a few minutes.

“Chocolate milk shake,” he said, when I drove away.

“That all?” I asked.

“My mouth has been watering for a chocolate shake all day. McDonalds please, driver.”

I went over to the main gate to get to McDonald’s. When I handed him the milk shake he beamed. I look at him through the rearview mirror because he was right behind me, except for his legs. I sipped the too thick shake and started back out on the highway.

“What do you have in mind?” I asked.

“More than I can explain in words. We need to go to my house. Don’t want to get distracted.”

“Your parents will be surprised to see you?” I asked.

“More than you know. I hope they remember me,” he said in a mixture of wit and sarcasm.

I wasn’t privy to what went on inside of Greg’s head. I’d had glimpses into the workings of his mind. It was far more complicated than I was capable of figuring out. Whatever he thought outright, he rarely said. When he did express himself in plain and simple terms, it was almost always a major revelation he took back in short order, which told me it was probably the truth.

Greg was all too real when it came to the superficial side of him. If I was to believe what he wanted me to believe, Greg was all dick and no brains. I’d seen too much to believe that one. I’d also seen too much to believe I might access his tender side by mistake.

I was certain Greg’s tender side was so deep inside him, he wasn’t sure how to get to it. Greg tried to find intimacy through sex. What he got was an orgasm, which didn’t satisfy him for long.

It didn’t matter how complex the circumstances were. I was stuck with wanting to be near him at any cost…, almost any cost. I was hoping Greg would open up to me before I closed out the feelings that were way too powerful. For now I’d stay on the ride and see where we ended up.

Maybe we could meet on a level that would allow us to accept one another unconditionally. I was doing the best I could, but with Greg beginning to go back to his old life, I wasn’t sure he knew what a relationship was.

Five minutes after we left McDonalds’ driveway we were turning on the lane that ran in front of Greg’s house. By the time I went around the car to work on the problem of getting Greg and his cast out of my backseat, we had an audience ready to receive their wounded comrade.

Herbie, Tony, and a boy I didn’t recognize stood back to let me figure out the puzzle that was Greg’s exit. They were obviously expecting his arrival. Two of them had already gotten into the Pabst and stood back so they didn’t spill any.

When I got Greg far enough out so he could sit on the door jam, I pulled him up to his feet, handing him his crutches. His fans closed in to get a close up view of their returned patriarch. They all acted happy to see him.

“The king is back, boys,” he said in mock triumph. “Why didn’t any of you assholes come to see me? You smucks.”

Greg’s crew closed in on him, cutting me out of his victorious return. They half led and half dragged him up on his back porch and through the kitchen into the dining room. When I got there Greg already had a Pabst in his hand and a smile on his face, as the four of them giggled and talked.

“Gained a little weight, Greg,” Tony said.

“Me? No, I don’t think so,” Greg said.

Tony knocked on his cast.

It was partially covered by the left leg of his pajama bottoms. They were fashioned to go over the cast and snap at the top, flaring out toward the bottom. The right leg of the altered pajamas slipped on over the leg and the center piece covered his vital equipment as long as the snaps were secure on the left side. As soon as you unsnapped the left side, all you had was the right leg of the odd pajamas, leaving the rest of him exposed.

“Oh, yeah,” Greg said. “It’s a heavy sucker.”

“Your parents aren’t home?” I asked.

“Obviously, Martin. It’s a party. I never invite my parents to my parties. I let them furnish the beer but there are limits.”

“Do they know you’re home?” I asked.

“Did you tell them?” Greg asked.

“No,” I said. “Just recently found out myself.”

“I didn’t tell them,” Greg revealed.

It was typical Greg. His parents were at their weekend place, safely in the mountains over a hundred miles away.

More guys came, but this wasn’t the same crew I’d seen at the last party. Conversation turned to the friends that had joined the military. Most had gone in the army but a couple joined the navy. Herbie hadn’t made a move in that direction and Tony was still a year short.

Greg was now disabled. I had the impression he was going to join the army. I didn’t think he’d ever be army material after his legs were mangled. He’d been on the mend for a long time and I didn’t know how strict the army was on recruits. I wasn’t planning on becoming one.

Guys came and went and Herbie stayed as close to Greg as anyone. Greg wasn’t happy with Herbie not coming to see him. Herbie said he didn’t do hospitals. There was no apology made or forgiveness requested, but Herbie stayed close enough to Greg to tell me he was glad to see him.

Small groups formed without Greg as boys enjoyed their beer, talked girls, and their army brat days. It was more controlled than the last party. I got the impression most of these guys were here for the beer.

Greg needed to go sit down. Herbie helped him down the hall to the television room a little after we arrived. Tony followed and carried Greg’s beer. George, who was there when we arrived, stayed to talk with some of the new boys.

After a time new arrivals went down the hall to greet Greg. No one else stayed in the television room for long. I talked to George and waited to see if Doug might show up. Someone said he’d gone with his parents for the weekend.

I wondered if maybe Lee might show up. It would have been easy for Greg to give him directions. It was only two to three miles, and less if he went out the back gate. I wasn’t sure Lee would fit in with Greg’s friends.

I drank as much of a beer as I could get down while watching it get dark. A couple of more guys came before guys began to leave. Some talked of dates and others took a few beers and headed for greener pastures.

Herbie came out and dropped another dozen beers in the cooler and he took some of the cold beers back to the TV room for Greg and Tony. I followed him back to the television room once I was satisfied Lee wasn’t coming.

Greg was sitting between Herbie and Tony, and they were watching M-A-S-H reruns. They all laughed with the laugh track, which sounded odd to me. Herbie wasted no time putting his right hand down the front of Greg’s pajama bottoms as Greg stared at the television.

Except for Herbie’s hand, it all looked quite natural. What you might find in any TV room on a Friday evening.

Once again my mind went back what Greg told me about his obsession with sex and where it started. Herbie couldn’t leave his dick alone even before they went through puberty, which had to be a couple of years ago. I ruled out that they may have been going through a phase of some kind.

I wondered if I would consider them lovers? Herbie showed no indication that there was any depth to what he felt for Greg. It was purely sexual for him. What did that make Herbie? What did that make me for thinking about it? Why were they still doing what they did when they were ten?

Other people came alone as the evening turned to night. As soon as the sound of someone in the hall was heard, Greg would move Herbie’s hand out of his pants. Once the new arrival left, Herbie stuck his hand right back in the same place.

I didn’t know Donnie, Jeff, or Charlie. I didn’t know if they came together or if they met at the beer cooler. They all made a lot of noise and were happy to see Greg, probably happier to see the beer flowing again. They came to pay their respects, beer in hands. They were the final partiers of the evening.

After I settled into the television room, I didn’t leave again. I could hear people talking in other parts of the house, but it was low key and didn’t amount to much. The party was coming to a close and Greg was running out of gas and half asleep. He lasted longer than I expected him to.

“I got to get the car back to my old man before he comes up here to get it,” Herbie said.

“You got to take me home first,” Tony said.

“Yeah, short stud. I’ll get you home, but it’s going to cost you,” Herbie said with a smirk.

“My pass is only for the evening. I can’t stay overnight tonight,” Tony said. “I’d like to, Greg. Good seeing you.”

“Too bad too,” Greg said with a smirk. “We can talk about it later. I’ll be home more now. We’ll work something out.”

“Sounds like a plan, man,” Tony said, following Herbie out of the television room.

Finally I had him alone.

“You want to bring me a beer, Martin,” Greg said, yawning.

“You sure it won’t make you sick?” I asked.

“Martin, give me a break. I’m barely buzzing. Check and be sure no one’s burning my parent’s house down. I’ve got to live here a while longer,” Greg said.

“Anything you say. Take the matches from the children and bring you a beer,” I said. “I can handle that.”

Greg chuckled at my reply and let his body take up the space vacated by Herbie and Tony. He looked tired.

When I got back with his beer, Greg was sleeping with his legs dangling on the floor and his head leaning over toward the middle of the seat. I set the beer down and got him completely on the cough so his legs weren’t dangling down all night. I didn’t think that would do him a lot of good.

I turned off the television and sat on the floor in front of the couch and rested my face on his stomach. After a while I slid my hand into his pajamas and he was still hard from Herbie’s hand. He mumbled and shifted so my hand could reach anything I wanted to reach. He mumbled again before he went back to sleep.

It was time to practice oral on Greg. It was a little difficult figuring out how to position myself to make it easy on my jaws. The head was no problem, but once in my mouth it swelled, and making progress was made into a major project. I found it amazing that someone could swell so much when stimulated. There was no doubt he liked it.

By relaxing and holding the position for a long time, my jaws relaxed and progress followed. I remembered Lee and how he could almost make all gone with the entire thing. No way I was going to attempt that move.

When I woke up the house was dark and quiet. Greg’s pajama bottoms were down on his thighs but I’d spit out the prize by that time. My face rested on his bare stomach just below his belly button. He had unbuttoned his pajama top completely but didn’t try to wake me up.

I reached to feel his soft balls and by the time I got my mouth on him again, he was swelling fast, until it was once again stretching my jaws. The flesh was hard and soft at the same time. I felt his balls and down behind them. He bent his right knee to give me room. He’d moved enough to allow me to reach whatever I liked.

I liked everything. Being that close to Greg, being sexual with him, excited me like nothing had before. I could hardly believe I was with him in a sexual way at last.

“I got to piss,” Greg said. “You got me so hard I’ll never piss now. I dreamed of you doing that while I was in the hospital,” he said. “Now I got to piss.”

“This is better than the hospital,” I explained.

“No it isn’t. I got to piss. Pull my bottoms off the rest of the way and help me to the bathroom.”

I unsnapped the top of the leg with the cast and slipped the bottoms off his good leg. When I pulled him up onto his feet, he was holding onto me with his dick digging into my hip. We stood immobilized as he did an ever so slow grind into my jeans.

“I’m never going to piss at this rate,” he said.

“Don’t piss here. We aren’t in the bathroom,” I reminded him.

“Very funny,” he said. “I’m so hard it hurts. I didn’t think I could get you to do that,” he said.

“Right place, right time,” I said.

“You’ve got me at a disadvantage. I can’t stop you,” he said, like it might be an option.

“Yes you can. Say stop,” I said.

“Fat chance,” he said, looking to make sure no one was in the hall.

We went next door into the bathroom and I held him up while he aimed at the toilet in the dark.

“A pee bottle is easier to hit in the middle of the night,” Greg said.

“We’ll get you one so we don’t have to go through this,” I said.

“I don’t know. I kind of like this,” he said, as I had my arm around him and he was leaning up against the bulge in my jeans.

It took a little time for him to finally cut loose. He moaned as the stream of piss became intense. After he finished we worked our way back to the television room with me acting as his crutch. Being that close to him was pretty nice. I maneuvered him back onto his back on the couch. He let out a big sigh once he was able to relax again.

“Sorry,” he said.

“Sorry? For what?” I asked.

“It went soft. You’ll have to start over again. Don’t wait for me. I’ll catch up with you. That’s some mouth you got, Martin. It’s nice and soft and it feels really nice. Thank you.”

I didn’t say anything. He thanked me. I was lucky to have him to myself for one evening. I wanted to make the most of it. I could sleep once he was back in the hospital. Until then I was going to give him all I had to give.

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