Going to Greg’s party didn’t take much thinking. If Greg was there I wanted to be there. I may have followed Greg everywhere, but I’d never known anyone like him before. Being around him at a party had certain risks. I wasn’t afraid I’d do something stupid, but I was afraid someone would see the way I looked at him.
I didn’t know Greg. I hardly knew myself. I had no knowledge about feelings, emotions, and even how to interact with people. I knew what I knew about myself and letting other people know it wasn’t smart.
I had no interest in anyone who didn’t approve of me being gay. I didn’t need to explain it or hide it. If I wasn’t acceptable to them, they had the problem. I didn’t care enough to offer them my help.
I was doing all within my power to make it to 18 with the least amount of resistance possible. My reaction to Greg took me into new terribtory, which required caution. So far I’d been unable to put the brakes on my imagination, but we didn’t run in the same circles.
I thought I could control what was going on in my heart until I could better understand it. If I did that, I wouldn’t get myself into a dangerous situation before realizing I wasn’t on firm ground. So far with Greg, there was no firm ground. He was a question surrounded by mystery. Who was he?
It was a little late to plan to stay out of trouble. That was the plan all along. I only went a little bit past where I thought trouble began, but by that time I couldn’t stop. I’d gone just a little too far into the quicksand, and Greg had pulled me down with his major desire for my attention.
Passion won out in the first round, but the entire race wasn’t run yet. I wouldn’t got that far again, not until I was sure. Sure of what I didn’t know, but I’d know once I was sure, if I knew when I was sure.
I’d come to Greg’s party not knowing what to expect. This wasn’t it. The party was a yawner first class for me and there was no apparent way I could get into trouble. Falling asleep was more likely.
Watching seemed harmless. Getting caught watching by Doug was neat in many ways. I stopped yawning right off the bat. Doug knew stuff. I wanted to know stuff and Doug didn’t hesitate telling me stuff. The idea he was Greg’s brother didn’t ruin his chances with me. Doug was hard not to like but I didn’t feel anything for him like what I felt for Greg.
I’d seen Doug once. He’d caught me at the worst possible time I could get caught at something. That made me realize how stupid I was for letting myself get drawn into Greg’s major desire.
The amazing thing was, Doug didn’t seem to care one way or the other about my feelings for Greg. He’d seen it before. I don’t think he’d seen it run as deep as it ran with me. I’d always worried someone would find out before I was ready to be found out, and now that I had, it wasn’t so bad, because it was Doug, and Doug did know stuff.
Doug was making me reevaluate my avoiding people because they might not accept me for who I was. Maybe some guys treated being gay a lot like being straight. It may not have been an either or equation, but sexuality didn’t seem to come with any variance for me. I was gay. I just wasn’t ready to broadcast it yet. I didn’t think Doug would.
I didn’t know what that meant to other guys, but for me it was who I was. I knew I was gay long before I had a word to describe it. Because I was made so sour on other people, I became aware of what was inside me a lot sooner.
I was all I had and pondering the universe and my place in it took up a considerable amount of time. At 8, 9, and 10, I had the feelings with no explanation for what they meant. By 12 I met Bobby, who was more than anxious to share the good news with me.
“Want to go see my fort?”
“Sure.”
Bobby’s fort was a place in his imagination, but in there was where I learned the truth about the difference between little boys and little girls, when it came to me. It didn’t get far, but far enough for me to know what I liked.
What I was feeling had a name and it was nothing new. What was new was the idea the people around me hated me without knowing anything about me. I was lucky that way. My parents could hardly tolerate me. The gay thing hadn’t entered the picture yet, and it never would as far as my parents were concerned. They would be last in line when I began talking about being gay.
Running into someone like Greg was like running into a brick wall. I could run. I was fast. Hitting Greg’s wall stopped me dead. It was a surprise. I’d been roaming around for seventeen years and I never reacted to anyone the way I reacted to him.
It was going to take a little time to build up my resistance to him, but I would in time. Being close enough to watch him in action was fine for now. I’d love to walk up to him and plant a big kiss on his lips, but that was the part of me that thought it knew what love was. Greg wasn’t about to stand still for being kissed. I wasn’t going to kiss him either, but I would if I could.
I wanted to know all about him without having to let him know everything about me. Greg already knew too much about me. He had become dangerous, but here I was with an invitation to his party. That didn’t indicate he wanted to use this knowledge against me. Didn’t what I knew about him qualify as a threat to his stature? It was a one off.
Doug knew as much about me as Greg knew. Doug was no more than an innocent bystander, who watched the hit and run accident on the pool table downstairs. What he saw was not so innocent. I’d put myself in a bad position and now Doug knew what he knew. I’d never let anyone know what I was willing to do to Greg. I’d never let anyone know I was gay. Doug knew both, but didn’t act surprised.
What was done was done. I wanted to make the most of it, but making any progress with Greg was out of the question at his party. He was the center of attention and I kept my distance. This put me into Doug’s hands and he was far easier to deal with than his brother was.
Doug was cool. He did his best to give me a few tips to help me not get myself used by Greg. Being as close to Greg as I had been, made me feel more distant from him. I wanted to learn about him. I wanted to get closer to him. I didn’t plan on doing it through his zipper. Sharing the most passionate feelings right off the bat distorted everything else by the intensity created. I knew my head was too full of him for me to keep my wits while around him. Watching him from a distance was good, but I didn’t learn much.
The girls all left. The two that came with the skinny kid were never really there. Greg wrapped his arms around the girl who was seated, as she left, and he gave her a big kiss. She giggled. The other boys watched. No one else attempted the maneuver, but the door she left through was right behind Greg.
The room went silent for about five seconds. Then everyone started talking at the same instant. It was even louder after the girls were gone. I was sitting next to the front door, but no one had opened it. Everyone came and went through the kitchen, which was beside the driveway.
I had my escape route mapped out. I didn’t want to leave Doug alone, but he’d fallen silent and wasn’t paying any attention to me. My mind was beginning to wander, but I wouldn’t be able to wander out until the dining room gathering broke up.
“No townies,” I said. “Except Alfred, but he hasn’t been part of the party except to come out and get a beer.”
“Townies don’t get invited to this kind of affair.“
“I’m here,” I said, representing the town in some weird way.
“Yes. I’m still working on that one, Martin. You are here. I can’t tell you why. Townies and army brats don’t mingle all that much. I have a friend or two from the town, but we usually go up to the bowling alley or over to El Rancho. Army brats come here or they meet on the base.”
“Did he make a mistake inviting me?”
“My brother doesn’t make mistakes. He invited you for a reason. We’ll figure it out,” Doug said.
“We will?”
“Wait a few minutes and they’ll go down to play pool now.”
“I wouldn’t play with these guys,” I said, picturing myself on the pool table with Greg.
Doug looked at me before looking back at the party.
“No, you’d be smart not playing with any of these guys. I don’t think townies and army brats mix in any strip pool circles I’m aware of. We know what we know but we don’t share. They might let someone like you into the game to see how far they could get you to go, but that was how it worked in Germany too. Lots of boys only played once.”
“You mean like what I did with Greg?”
“It’s the point of the game. Get someone to do something. We’re teenage boys. We got to do something.”
“Someone might do that with all these guys?” I asked, horrified.
“A guy would if he lost enough games. Most leave first but they don’t come back. They don’t talk about it because they’d be telling on themselves. It’s complicated. Only a couple of these guys would go that far.”
“I only came up here because of Greg. Not that I’m not glad to get to know you. You’re way easier to get along with than he is. There is no tension around you,” I explained.
“You bring the tension with you, because of Greg. He’s pretty laid back if you play his game. He’ll play your way. That’s the point. Say no and game over.”
“You’re saying I took it where I wanted to take it? Greg merely went along for the ride?”
“It’s how the game works. Maybe that’s what he did.”
“Maybe,” I said, realizing he was right. “It’s not the same with so many guys. They can’t all play his game. I don’t know much but I’ve been around enough guys to know few are going to play his game.”
“Some lose a little and go home. They will only go so far. One or two give Greg a run for his money, but he doesn’t lose much. He’ll lose to keep you in the game. Give you his shoes and socks. Let you think you can beat him.”
“He didn’t lose anything to me,” I complained.
“He didn’t need to,” Doug explained. “That’s the game.”
“Is he that good, Doug? He can just play around to get them to do stuff?”
“He thinks he is. Everyone else thinks he is.”
“They still play him?” I asked. “Why?”
“Nothing better for the ego than beating the king. He might lose a few games a night, but not many. Like I said, we all go back a long way. We grew up with these guys, when we were the only Americans around. You learn to depend on each other. When they party, they party together. Old habits are hard to break.”
“I don’t know how to play. I knew he’d beat me. The rest was an education.”
“He saw you coming. He figured you’d go a ways with him. I’d say you did,” Doug said, smiling down from his perch on the arm of the chair where I sat.
“You don’t think I’m stupid?”
“You? No way. I never seen anyone do that to him. I think my brother thinks he won the game, but you got a lot further than he intended to let you get. I’ve never been around anyone who got that far. It’s his strength. Being able to say that’s enough, when he looks to be getting into it.”
“He just laid there. He didn’t do anything,” I said.
“I’m not saying no one has gotten that far, but not that I saw. He’s usually getting off the table and putting his jeans on about the time it is looking interesting.”
“Don’t remind me. I don’t know why I came back up here,” I said.
“Yes, you do. You came for my brother,” Doug said, not letting me get away with lying about it.
“Yeah, I suppose, but he’s busy, and I’m… I don’t know what I’m doing. Part of it is exciting. Part is scary as hell.”
“He invited you and that doesn’t fit his usual style. Except for Alfie, who is harmless, might I add.”
“Next time I’ll pass.”
“Who will I talk to if you don’t come?” he asked. “I usually watch television.”
“These are your people, Doug,” I reminded him.
“Yeah. Herbie’s always good for a laugh. We get along. I don’t see the rest of these guys very often. I’m Greg’s little brother. I’ve always been Greg’s little brother.”
“Herbie?”
“Tall skinny dude. Last one to the party. Herbie’s crazy, so that makes him fun. Nothing Herbie won’t do.”
“Nothing?” I questioned.
“Nothing,” Doug emphasized.
“Herbie play pool with Greg?” I asked.
“Too spastic to play in front of these guys. He’ll play with Greg when he comes over. It’s just the two of them. It’s a lot like you playing Greg, except they laugh a lot. Some strange chemistry between those two, but Herbie’s cool.”
“Greg likes Herbie?”
“Herbie goes back even before Germany. They were in grade school together. They ran around then.”
“He was in Germany with you?”
“All of these cowboys were in Germany at least part of the time with us. Herbie was there early on but left the year before we did. He was the one that found the German boys. They had him bring his friends to play with them.”
“They saw him coming?” I said, using Doug’s words.
“Never through of it like that. That would describe it.”
“Herbie played with the Germans before Greg did?”
“Herbie introduced Greg to them first. Then the rest of us wandered over to see what they were up to. It was a youth center on the base. It was better than our stuff, but we were in Germany. They didn’t mind us coming around.”
“The girls?” I asked.
“In Germany? Yes, they have girls too.”
“At the party. What’s that about? I don’t get it.”
“Oldest story ever told. You got boys. You got girls. If boys have girls, they’re not looking for one. They come up here to feel like they’re wanted. I suppose some of them get together at other times. They come by, have a beer or two, and go to the girl party. Their old men are army officers. They shoot boys under marrying age.”
“So why aren’t some of these boys going with those girls?” I asked. “Seems like how it should work.”
“They came to Greg’s party. Wouldn’t be polite to walk out on him before the big game. Besides, they don’t like getting shot at. No guns at Greg’s parties.”
It sort of made sense in a round about sort of a way. There was the beer and the night was young. I was curious to see pool as played by the army brats. I didn’t want to play with them but I wanted to see what they played for when Greg played with his buds. That would tell me a lot.
I watched Greg and Herbie talking and they seemed to be catching up on the news. Greg seemed happy. It could have been the beer. It could have been Herbie. I was sure it wasn’t me.
“They get along?” I observed.
“You can’t not get along with Herbie. He’s a funny guy. Nothing bothers him.”
“No, they really get along. They’re both smiling. They keep putting their heads together.”
“It’s how they get one good brain between them,” Doug said.
I looked at him to see if he was serious. Of course he wasn’t and he was watching me to see my reaction.
I thought about Herbie’s entry into the dining room, not with one but two girls, one under each arm. He then ignores the girls and he talks to Greg. Of all the boys he was thinnest and probably tallest.
Greg reacted to Herbie in spite of the girl, who had all his attention, until Herbie came. The girl was gone and now Greg paid attention to Herbie.
I watched to see what I could learn.