Dermot II - Chapter 12 - Easter

            Dermot’s apology hit just the right note.  Lando was immediately out of his chair and in Dermot’s arms.  They made an effort to explain to each other, but the words kept getting swallowed up in kisses.  In a way, nothing was settled when it was time for Lando to leave for church, but in another way all the important things had been settled.  No matter what their previous misunderstandings and hang-ups, they would be boyfriends, they would be together, and they would work things out.

            As Dermot ate the supper left for him by Aunt Carrie, he reviewed the situation.  Lando felt at a disadvantage because of his inexperience, and he had a bad previous experience with Bob because they argued about everything.  On the other hand, Dermot felt he ... what was it he felt?  Not exactly guilty.  Soiled?  Like used goods?  Unworthy, maybe.  All because he had worked the streets for months after being thrown out by Uncle Steve.  Dr. Lanier said none of that was his fault, and he should get over it.  Easier said than done.  But he would have to watch himself, and not let his negative feelings about that spoil what he had now.

            Dermot was not sure about the long range.  The Lyles seemed willing to foster him through high school, anyway, and maybe even through college.  He had no doubt of his ability to do the academic work.  He had proven to himself and to his teachers that he could hack it by making up for three months of missed work in less than a month, while keeping up with his current classes, and he seemed well on the way to obtaining credit for the first semester of History and English as well.  Even when he had been on the streets, he had not allowed his mind to sit idle.  He had no patience with the inarticulate.  He had spent hours and hours in the public library reading.  Okay, it was warm and dry there, but he liked the reading, too.

            No, it was not in the realm of the intellect that he expected difficulties.  It was in the world of the emotions.  After his mother died when he was ten, his father had been emotionally absent as well.  Then his Uncle Steve and his family were an emotional disaster.  Talk about dysfunctional!  That was followed by nine months on the streets, where the only emotions he experienced were negative ones – fear, disgust, anger.  As much as he appreciated everything the Lyles had done and were doing, and as much as he really liked – make that ‘loved’ – Lando, he had real difficulty letting another person get real close to him emotionally.  He had a lot of defenses.  They had been needed to survive, but now they were a liability in his relationship with Lando.  He would make a conscious effort to work on that.

            By the time the family returned shortly after nine o’clock, Dermot was determined not to allow his past to ruin his future with Lando.  The ground had been prepared earlier, during that hour and a half of making up.  When Dermot heard the family arriving, he left his room, and went down to greet them.

            “While you guys were at church, I did some heavy thinking.  I just want you to know that I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me.  I don’t say that often enough.”

            “Dermot, you don’t have to feel like you should be constantly thanking us,” Walt Lyle said.  “That would be entirely artificial, and put you in a position as something less than a full member of this household.”

            “Well, I’m not family, and I know you don’t have to do any of the stuff you do for me.”

            “I purposely said ‘household’ not ‘family,’ Dermot.  Of course, there is no blood tie.  But we want you to feel that you belong here.  So, let’s just say, we appreciate your thanks, and hope you will want to be with us for a long time to come.”

            Emily, always impulsive, hugged Dermot.  That took him by surprise, which registered on his face pretty clearly, causing both Lando and Mark to burst out laughing.

            “I’m glad you’re here, too, Dermot,” Emily said.  “Otherwise, I’d have to spend all my time straightening out my brothers.  Now I’ve got you as well.  Variety is nice.”

            Mark and Lando both moaned at the mention of Emily straightening them out.  Dermot caught Lando’s eye, and indicated he had more to say to him, but not so publically.  After a few more comments among the family, therefore, the two boys headed up to Lando’s room.

            They immediately picked up where they had left off before the Lyles left for church, but however satisfying, that needed to stop if they were going to work out their differences.  Dermot moved back, separating himself from Lando just a bit.

            “I love your kisses, boyfriend, but I think we need to talk.”

            Lando sighed.  “You’re right.  But kissing is much more fun.”

            “Dr. Lanier told me that we both have anxieties and doubts that we need to work through.  Does that strike you as correct?”

            “Yeah.  Look, I really want this thing between us to work, okay?  But I don’t know what to expect.  I’ve had just two or three previous experiences.”

            “You said that once before,” Dermot interrupted.  “Don’t you know how many sex partners you’ve had?”  This was said not in an accusatory voice, but out of curiosity.

            “Well, here’s the situation,” Lando confessed.  “The first guy I ever did anything with was last year, and he moved away during the summer when his dad got transferred in his job.  Then, there was Nate.”

            “Nate Greenwell?” Dermot asked.

            “Yeah.  All we did was mutual jerk offs, I think four times, but it might have been five.  That’s why I’m not sure whether to count him or not.  Does jerking each other off count as having sex?  I’m not sure, and that’s why I said two or three.  So, you can count it any way you like,” Lando conceded.

            “And then there was Bob,” Dermot pressed.

            Lando sighed again.  “Yeah.  Then there was Bob.  Back during fall semester.  I thought for a while it was really serious.  But, the more I got to know Bob, the less positive I felt about the relationship.  Everything I thought we had in common, turned out not to be so.  I don’t know why Bob is so negative, or what turned him off the Church.  His uncle is a priest.  But he’s the same in a relationship as he is in class.  At least he was with me.  Always having a negative comment about everything.  Always wanting to be one up on me.  I got the feeling he was not interested in me as a person at all, but more like a verbal punching bag – something to spar with.  As you know, I like a good exchange of ideas, but it gets really dreary when it’s always just a series of negatives.”

            “What bothered you most about Bob’s comments?” Dermot asked, wanting to be sure to avoid whatever it was.

            “Well, it was like in class again.  As you know, we take our faith pretty seriously here at home.  Bob constantly made cutting remarks.  He would not consider my responses, but acted like I was some kind of half-wit for believing.  Like Mark said the other night.  I don’t think I’m stupid, and I resent it when someone acts as though I were just because I have faith in God and His Church.”

            “I have no doubt that you’re not stupid, Lando.  That’s why I was so surprised when you said I knew more than you the other day.  Father Schiller said reason worked within any system, but could not bridge the gap when two systems of thought have different beginning assumptions.  I am not ready to accept the Church again.  I’ve got a lot of bad associations there.  But I sure don’t think you or any of your family are stupid because of your beliefs.  It’s those beliefs which rescued me, after all,” Dermot assured his boyfriend.

            “That’s a good place to start, Dermot.  Even if we can’t agree on everything, at least we can respect each other.  If we can’t do that, no matter how good the sex, there’s no future for the relationship.”

            “Speaking of sex,” Dermot immediately seized the opening, “I spent a good deal of time thinking about what you said before.  I know I’ve got some hang-ups about my past.  Dr. Lanier forced me to see that I’m being too sensitive about that.  But the feelings are there.  They’re real.”

            “I realize that now, Dermot.  I mean, I knew you felt bad about the time you spent on the streets, but until the other night, I didn’t really appreciate how much you were hurting.  I’m sorry I brought it up.”

            “No.  I need to get over it, as Dr. Lanier told me.  But it will take me a while.  You have no idea what it does to you when you have to sell yourself to stay alive.  Other people use you and then toss you away like a dirty kleenex.  You have no self-esteem, no sense of personal worth.  You’re just so much shit!  I really think if I had not ducked into the library fairly regularly, and escaped into other worlds, I would have killed myself.  So, I guess what I’m saying is, just like when Bob was using you in an impersonal way to shore up his ego, and that created problems for you, so also I got used in very impersonal ways.  You don’t like sarcastic comments on your faith or your intelligence.  I don’t like comments about my sexual experiences as a rent boy.”

            “I see where you’re coming from now, Dermot.  I was being glib and a smart ass talking about all the sex you got.  I never really considered the circumstances that made that a negative experience for you.  I apologize, and promise to be more considerate,” Lando pledged.

            “Accepted.  And I apologize for acting like a dork, getting all defensive instead of telling you what my problem was,” Dermot countered.  Then, somewhat hesitantly, he added, “Are we still talking the possibility of sex before too long?”

            “I think I’d like that.  Yes, I’d definitely like that.  I’ll let you be the instructor and fill in my paltry record.”

            “I want to make love to you, Lando, not just have sex with you.  Nothing impersonal,” Dermot insisted.

            “That’s what I want, too.”

            They kissed.  Almost guiltily, both boys glanced toward the door to make sure it was securely closed.  Then, realizing what they had done, they both laughed, then kissed again.

            “I’ve got to go in to see my doctors again tomorrow,” Dermot said.  “Will you come with me.  I think this should be the last visit, and I want you there for the final act.”

            “Of course I’ll come.  Besides, Dr. Rygalski gets in some good zingers from time to time.  I’ll learn something,” Lando joked.  “And, before we go, I’m going to put you through a really thorough rehab workout.  We want you in tip-top shape for that session.”

            Dermot groaned at that threat.  “You’ve been good, working with me for weeks, getting me back in shape.  Is there anything I can do that would really please you – apart from the sex we already talked about,” he hastily added, seeing the leer on Lando’s face.

            “Yeah,” Lando slowly articulated.  “I don’t want to be pushy or anything, but tomorrow night I’ll be serving.  I’d take it as a personal favor if you would come, just to see me in cassock and surplice, if for no other reason.”

            Dermot considered that request.  He was not being asked to accept Lando’s faith, but merely to be present when his boyfriend had a particularly visible job.  “Okay.  Just to see you, of course.  And maybe to scandalize Emily,” Dermot agreed with a grin.  “By the way, have Jason and Mike been coming each day?”

            “Yeah.  It’s kind of cute.  Jason sits as close to Emily as he can without being, you know, totally inappropriate.  Mike sits next to Jason.  I think the poor boy has a crush on our straight friend.”

            “That can be really painful.  We’ll have to work on that after Easter.  Along with lots of other things,” Dermot considered.

            Late on Saturday morning, after Dermot’s exhausting workout, Walt Lyle drove Dermot and Lando back to University Hospital, where they met Dr. Shipley and Dr. Rygalski once again.  They gave Dermot the most thorough examination since he left the hospital on March 14, exactly four weeks previously.  When they were finished, Dr. Rygalski announced, “You are in great shape, Dermot.  We’ve managed to fix all your problems except one.”

            “What’s that?” the teenager asked apprehensively.

            “That red hair.  We just can’t do a thing with it,” she teased him.  Walt and Lando burst out with guffaws.

            Dermot gave an exasperated sigh.  “Some people have no appreciation for natural beauty,” he asserted.

            “It’s been a real pleasure dealing with you, Dermot,” Dr. Shipley stated.  “Not all our patients turn out as well as you seem to be.  Especially not all those brought in under circumstances like yours.  You’ve got a lot going for you.  I’m sure you’ll turn out just fine.”

            “Thank you, Dr. Shipley, and you, too, I guess,” he said, indicating Dr. Rygalski.  “I’m glad finally to have the last of those bandages and supports off.  I’m really grateful you spent so much time and effort on someone like me.”

            “We try to do our best for all our patients,” Dr. Shipley assured him.

            On the way home, Walt Lyle asked how Dermot felt, not having to check with the hospital any more.

            “I’m relieved that everything turned out so well,” he said.  “But, at the same time, I’ll miss seeing those two.  They really did spend a lot of time on me.”

            “You have that effect on people,” Lando quipped.

            After a quiet afternoon and a good dinner, Dermot voluntarily prepared to go to church for the first time in six years.  He would do this as a gift to his boyfriend, and swallow any negative associations which might pop up.  Emily was quite satisfactorily amazed at his presence, and, when they arrived in the parking lot and met Jason and Mike, so also were they.  Lando disappeared immediately to prepare for his role as an altar server.  He was the thurifer, carrying the incense burner, for the Easter Vigil service.  The expanded Lyle family claimed a pew near the front of the darkened church.  Emily appointed herself commentator for Dermot’s instruction, so he had a running account of everything.  As far as Dermot was concerned, the first impression was one of smell.  The interior of the church smelled of incense and candle wax.  He did not remember that from before.  Each of them were given a small, unlit candle as they entered, along with a paper drip guard to prevent getting hot wax on one’s hand.  As they sat, the church filled up.

            For the longest time, nothing seemed to happen.  Dermot thought he had lost his interpreter, until he noticed Emily exchanging whispered comments with Jason.  When he regained her attention, she explained that the first part of the ceremony took place outside the church, where the priest was lighting a new fire, and then preparing the paschal candle, but there wasn’t room for everyone out there on the church porch, and it was too uncomfortable anyway.  So they waited.

            Finally, there was a stirring at the door.  In the dim, Dermot made out several people, one of whom was carrying a very large candle.  As the procession entered the center aisle of the church, the priest chanted in a loud voice, “Light of Christ,” and the congregation responded, “Thanks be to God.”  Several altar boys lit tapers from the paschal candle, and began to distribute the light to those in the nearby pews, who lit their candles and in turn sent it on to their neighbors.  The procession made its way to about the middle of the church, then paused and repeated the call, “Light of Christ,” with the response.  The lighted candles continued to spread.  As the procession came closer to the front of the church, where the Lyle family and their guests were located, Dermot saw that there was someone who looked awfully familiar swinging a thurible, incensing the paschal candle and everything else, it seemed.  Lando was in his element.  He swung that censor with vigor.  After him came a crucifer bearing the processional cross, a deacon with the lectionary, another deacon with the paschal candle, the remaining altar boys with lighted candles, and finally the priest in a violet cope.  Dermot could swear Lando looked directly at him and winked.  He definitely gave a generous waft of incense in their direction.

            The procession reached the foot of the sanctuary, where the invocation “Light of Christ” and response rang out a third time.  By this time, the individual candles held by congregants had all been lit, and the entire church was suffused with a soft light.  The deacon with the large book which Emily called a lectionary placed it on the reading stand and incensed it, with Lando looking pained to relinquish his toy for the moment.  Then the deacon intoned the long prayer called the “Exultet,” calling on heaven and earth to rejoice in the Resurrection of the Lord.  The poetry of the prayer was moving, even to an agnostic like Dermot. “This is the night which purges away the darkness of sin ... this is the night which restores grace throughout the world ... this is the night which destroys death.”  Then came the most moving of all words, “O felix culpa!  Oh happy fault, that merited so great a Redeemer!”  Following this lengthy proclamation, the individual candles were extinguished, leaving only the paschal candle and those on the altar lit, but the church now fully lighted.

            There followed a series of readings from the Old Testament focusing on water, and interspersed prayers more or less commenting on the readings, accompanied by kneeling and rising, which Dermot mentally labeled Catholic aerobics.  There was a long litany, calling on various saints, then the blessing of the waters to be used in baptism.  Then a number of people who had never been baptized before underwent the ritual, and some others, who had been baptized in other churches, were solemnly received into the Catholic Church, after which all, including the congregation, were asked to repeat the baptismal vows, beginning, “Do you renounce Satan?”  This was followed by more of the litany.

            Immediately after the litany, as the priest removed his violet cope and replaced it with a gold chasuble, the choir and organ, enhanced on this occasion by additional instruments including trumpets, rang out the “Gloria,” accompanied by the ringing of the church bells in celebration of the Resurrection.  This was the beginning of the actual Mass, and, as Lando had said, by this time it was past midnight.  It was Easter morning.  On several occasions during the Mass, the altar was incensed, which gave Lando a chance to step on center stage, but his moment of glory came when, after the priest incensed the altar once again, a deacon incensed the priest, then Lando incensed the two deacons and walked out to face the congregation.  Everyone rose.  He bowed to the congregation, and they returned the same sign, then he incensed the entire congregation, center, right, and left.  Again, it seemed to Dermot that he gave a special twirl to the thurible as he directed the incense towards where they stood.  Then again, he bowed, as did the congregation.  The Mass continued, with everyone in the Lyle party except Dermot receiving communion.

            After Mass, there was a brief pause.  There was a reception for those newly admitted to the Church, but as none of them were close to the Lyles, they decided to skip that.  Then Lando came running out.

            “Did you see me?” he enthused.

            “How could I miss?” Dermot replied.  “You practically stole the show.”

            He kissed his boyfriend right there in the parking lot.  Emily giggled.  Jason took the hint, and kissed Emily.  She giggled again.

            “I think we’d better get home before this goes much further,” Sandy said grinning.

            It was after 1:30 by the time they got home and ready for bed, but they were not permitted to sleep late.  Lando came in and woke Dermot around nine, saying they were going to hide eggs for the little kids.

            In a somnolent stupor, Dermot asked, “Will Mike be there?”

            Dermot looked at him, then laughed.  “I was only joking, Dum Dum.”

            But getting up, dressing, and breakfast were not a joke, nor was the trip back to St. George’s Church.  They arrived just after eleven, and spent most of the next hour hiding colored eggs in all sorts of ingenious places around the church grounds.  When Mass was over, swarms of youngsters erupted from the church like an army of invading ants.  Lando, Dermot, and others handed them baskets filled with artificial green straw, and supervised the hunt.  This involved making some Solomonic judgements when more than one child honed in on the same egg.  Not all the eggs survived the ordeal.  Despite being sleep deprived, Dermot felt good, seeing all the happy children.  He vaguely remembered taking part in similar hunts as a child.  He also felt good seeing Lando laugh almost constantly during the half hour or so that the hunt lasted.  He looked so damn sexy when he laughed.

            No sooner had they returned to the Lyle home, however, than they left again.  Lando explained that they were expected to have Easter dinner at his grandparents’ place in the suburbs.  He also cautioned Dermot that his grandfather most likely would not take kindly to displays of affection between them, although he suspected that his grandmother knew of his orientation and had come to terms with it.  Dermot was introduced to the older Lyles simply as a friend of Lando and the ward of Walt and Sandy.  The meal was wonderful, with all the traditional dishes including a magnificent ham, but Dermot was restless, wanting to spend some time alone with Lando.  It was not until nearly five o’clock that they returned to the Lyle house.

            “Alone at last,” Lando spoofed as they entered his room and closed the door.

            “Yeah.  I thought we would never get the chance for just the two of us to be together,” Dermot complained.

            “Are you really upset?”

            Dermot considered.  “Not really.  I mean, I kind of expected something first thing this morning, and with each delay I got antsy, but the anticipation has built me up to the point where I’m as horny as I’ve ever been, so I’m expecting a really great show.”

            “Don’t forget, you’re the instructor, I’m the neophyte,” Lando cautioned him.

            “My first instruction is to come here and kiss me,” Dermot said, and almost immediately had Lando in his arms.  They held each other close, and kissed passionately.  Not lips alone, but tongues were involved, so that it seemed for a while as though each boy was trying to devour the other.  Remembering that he was supposed to take the lead, Dermot began to move.  He kissed Lando’s eyes, his ears, his neck, and his throat.  As he did, he began to undress his boyfriend, beginning with a few buttons, then a shirt.  The good clothes worn to the grandparents’ place began to form untidy little heaps on the floor.  But when Lando enthusiastically tried to join in the project of disrobing, Dermot swatted him away.  “My job,” he proclaimed.  “You just do what I tell you.”

            Lando grinned.  As Dermot gave him a shove, he fell back on the bed.  Dermot then removed his shoes and socks.  He then kicked off his own shoes, and crawled onto the bed, covering his boyfriend’s body with his own.  He kissed Lando on the lips again lightly, then more passionately.  But then he began the journey down Lando’s torso.  He kissed his shoulders and his sternum, but concentrated on his breasts.  He began to lick his boyfriend’s nipples.  Lando drew in his breath sharply.  He never realized how sensitive those little nubbins were.  He began to moan softly, causing Dermot to grin.  He was using the skills he had acquired by necessity, to do something he had never done before.  He was making love to his boyfriend.  Dermot moved from one breast to the other, and repeated the erotic stimulation.  He could feel Lando’s hard-on poking against him as he continued to straddle his lover.  He rocked gently back and forth, stimulating Lando’s boner even more.  As Dermot continued to lick and suck on Lando’s nipples, Lando got a case of the giggles.  It seemed he could not control himself.  Dermot paused, and looked at the giggling boy.

            Lando looked repentant.  “Sorry, Dermot.  I couldn’t help it.”

            “No.  That’s okay.  This is the first time I’ve had somebody laugh while I was having sex with him, and it’s the first time I’ve made love to my partner.  I think that’s a good sign.”

            Dermot went back to entertaining his boyfriend.  He traced a wet path down his body, licking and kissing until he reached his navel.  He poked the tip of his tongue into that little hole, and swirled it around.  This brought another round of giggles from Lando, which grew into unrestrained laughter.  Lando placed his hands on Dermot’s head, as his stomach heaved with hilarity.  Dermot considered that it was undoubtedly healthy to laugh while engaging in sex, as this made him feel great, such as he had never felt before.  Sex with a lover, he felt, was not supposed to be a solemn, sanitized ceremony.

            Dermot moved on, reaching Lando’s belt.  He sniffed it, as though wondering what that might be.  He poked around with his nose and growled just a bit, then moved down, sniffing the bulge in Lando’s jeans.  Lando continued to chuckle at his boyfriend’s antics.  Dermot pretended to decide he was interested in the bone he found, and began to massage it with his lips, attempting to pick it up, but being unsuccessful.  He looked at that interesting tent, cocked his head, gave it another try to pick up the bone with his mouth, then moved away, back up to the belt.  He began to attempt to undo Lando’s belt using only his mouth, and managed to get it caught in his teeth, pulling it through the loops.  Lando was getting antsy, and reached down to help.  Dermot swatted his hands away.

            “Anticipation, remember.  Like dinner at Grandma’s.”

            But, taking pity on his lover, Dermot himself used his fingers to help his teeth pull the belt through the rest of the buckle, and open.  He then was able to unsnap the top of Lando’s fly, and catch the zipper between his teeth, jerking and pulling, and all the while rubbing against Lando’s throbbing hard-on.  As he did, he made yipping noises, like a happy puppy.  At long last, the fly was open, and Dermot attacked that bone through only the thin cotton of briefs.

            In a pained voice, Lando said, “If you keep that up, I’m going to cum in my underwear in about two seconds.”

            “Can’t have that,” Dermot agreed, backing off.  He took Lando’s jeans into his hands on either side and said, “Lift!”  Lando lifted his hips, and Dermot slid his jeans down and off, leaving the boy clad in only his white briefs.

            Dermot then stepped away from the bed, leaving Lando panting.  He rapidly divested himself of his own clothing entirely, adding to the heaps on the floor.  Returning to Lando, he again covered the other boy with his body.  As flesh met flesh, the eroticism heightened.  Dermot kissed Lando again.  “You like your instruction so far?”

            Lando moaned.  He was not sure he could speak.  He felt that if he moved a muscle, he would explode.  He never knew he could feel like this.  His sexual energy was heightened to the point he almost felt he could sense electrical charges coursing through him.

            “I’ll take that as a yes,” Dermot said.  He again attacked Lando’s bone, swinging his head back and forth and growling.

            “Good dog.  Good little puppy,” Lando managed.

            Dermot took the elastic band of Lando’s briefs between his teeth, and pulled up and out, then, cheating a little by using his fingers on the sides, he pulled down.  Once again he said, “Lift,” but the word was muffled by the fabric in his mouth.  In seconds, Lando, too, was completely naked.  Then, little puppy Dermot found his bone.  It turned out to be a juicy one.

            Following Dermot’s instructions, neophyte Lando returned the favor.  After only a brief pause to recover, they then engaged in the mutual love-making called by the mystical number 69.

            Once they had both recovered their breaths, Dermot asked, “Are you okay?”

            “Never better.  Now I know the difference between just sex and making love,” Lando responded.

            “I love you, Lando,” Dermot declared.