Bryce, Chapter 17 - A Few Ups and Downs

 

When Bryce got back to his room, he felt the need for a shower.  After all, having beer poured over one might sound great, but it was pretty sticky.  Besides, he was embarrassed.  Every single person in that bar had to make some kind of comment, it seemed to him in his distracted frame of mind, and more than one said something about a lovers’ quarrel.  They may have been joking, but Bryce felt totally exposed.  He did not know whether Damon was in his room or not, and decided he did not care.  He stripped, putting his beery shirt and jeans into the laundry, and headed to the shower.

 

When he stepped out, there was Damon, standing quietly - unaccustomedly quietly - in the corner of the bathroom, fully clothed, with his history book in his hand.  With a look like a bad puppy who wanted forgiveness and acceptance, Damon said, “You going to help me prep for my exam tomorrow?”

 

The very balls-y-ness of the request immediately wiped away any resentment Bryce felt towards his boyfriend.  He broke out in loud laughter.  After regaining control of himself, Bryce approached a now grinning Damon.  He kissed him lightly on the lips.

 

“Let me put on some clothes, or you won’t be able to concentrate on history,” he boasted.

 

Damon followed Bryce into his room.  In only minutes, they were deep into prepping Damon for his test.  They spent two hours at it, by which time Damon was shooting answers back at his tutor like a pro.  About 1:30 they broke up.

 

As Damon rose to return to his own room, Bryce said, “About earlier.  Maybe you have a point.”

 

“Yeah.  I do,” the cheeky lad responded, then slipped away with all his old insouciance.

 

Over lunch in the basement food court on Friday, Damon reported that he felt good about his exam.  “I aced that fucker.  Or at least nothing less than a B,” he predicted.  Then he leaned over towards Bryce and sniffed.  “You still smell like beer.”

 

Bryce nearly killed him.  Well, he wanted to.  Sort of.  The thing was, his involuntary shout when Damon said that attracted lots of attention, just like last night, so Damon pranced off in triumph, while Bryce slunk away.  Outside, however, Bryce caught up to his boyfriend, and pounded him unmercifully all the way to Audubon Hall for their Biology class.  Damon was laughing his head off at Bryce’s red face and embarrassed air.  Bryce caught him right at the entrance to the building, and nailed him against the wall.  He looked at his boyfriend, and could not help it.  He broke into a wide grin.

 

“You’re impossible,” he told Damon.

 

“I’m irresistible,” Damon responded.

 

That evening was a party at the fraternity, so the pledges had to turn out to do the dirty work, making sure the brothers, their dates, and any paying guests had a good time.  There was not much difference between this party and the one on Labor Day, so there were no real surprises.  The best thing about it, as far as Bryce was concerned, was that no one vomited where he had to  clean it up.  He and Damon managed to get enough to eat and drink between looking out for the brothers and guests.  The worst aspect of the party was Mack Campbell, who seemed to delight in having Bryce fetch him another beer, or something to eat, or something else.  He was not certain, but he suspected that Mack was high on something, but that did not make his attitude any more pleasant.  Just as on Labor Day, when they were finally released to go home, Bryce and Damon were disgustingly sober.

 

On Saturday morning, Bryce was again up early and working out at the gym.  Not as early as during the week, but still earlier than most other users of the facility.  Bryce did not call Curtis, not wishing to catch him in an awkward situation once again.  He confined his work-out to sets which posed no danger, and was doing very well, when Curtis appeared on his own.  Only then did Bryce undertake his bench presses.  As they helped each other, or worked-out side by side, they talked.

 

“How you doing with pledging?” Curtis asked.  “Not giving up on us after only two parties, are you?”

 

“Naw.  Last night wasn’t too bad.  No one puked,” Bryce replied.

 

Curtis chuckled.  “I remember having to do that my pledge semester.  You’ll get over it.”

 

“Man, I hope so.  I can still smell it.”

 

“That’s your imagination.  Memory.  Not actual smells,” Curtis asserted.

 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t help,” Bryce complained.

 

“You and Mack getting along okay?” Curtis continued.

 

“Okay,” Bryce replied tersely.

 

Curtis looked at him questioningly, but Bryce declined to follow up.  Instead, he went off in a different direction.  “Damon says I think too much.”

 

“What’s that mean?  We’re at a university.  We’re supposed to be thinking,” Curtis responded.

 

“I think he means I try to analyze everything too much, instead of going ahead and acting,” Bryce supplied.

 

Curtis paused before responding.  “Have you and Damon decided whether you’re actually boyfriends?” he asked.

 

“Yeah.  We are,” Bryce said with a grin.

 

“Then, I think Damon probably knows you a good deal better than I do.”

 

“That’s a cop out,” Bryce complained.

 

“Not entirely.  Thinking things through is important, but sooner or later you have to act, even if you don’t have absolutely certain answers to every question.  I’m a Civil Engineering major.  I need to know all the specifications available before I set out to build a bridge.  But if I wait until absolutely every question is answered, including all the peripheral ones, that bridge will never get built,” Curtis informed his friend.

 

Leaving the gym, Bryce thanked Curtis for his advice.  Despite other distractions, over that day, and many others, he struggled to fit his newly admitted sexual reality into the other realities of his life.  Despite the progress in his relationship with Damon, Bryce still was uncertain just how his recognition of his sexual orientation would play out in his future.  There remained many unresolved issues.  Sometimes by his conscious effort, sometimes by what seemed to be the merest chance, Bryce was coming to answer some of those vital questions he had fled home to pursue.  Undoubtedly, the greatest answer thus far was the admission made by Bryce in the small park the day after he and Damon were invited to pledge Sigma Alpha Tau.  Bryce was gay.  He was not pleased with this realization.  For him, it posed as many questions as it answered.  Not pleased, perhaps, but relieved.  Having one answer, one thing which was definite and settled, was a positive relief.  Bryce wanted certainty.  He wanted, he needed, answers, answers which promised solidity, truth.  His whole soul yearned for truth, and in admitting that he was gay, he believed he had discovered a truth about himself which was rock bottom, undeniable.

 

Unfortunately, that realization, that truth, brought with it another set of questions.  How does this one truth relate to other truths about Bryce?  Family had always been important in his life.  How does being gay fit into the context of the Winslow family?  Bryce was not concerned so much about family as dynasty, as genealogy.  He was not really concerned about those colonial ancestors, the way his grandfather was.  But he was concerned about the family he knew and, yes, loved.  Bryce loved his family.  He loved his mother above all, and would not willingly disappoint or distress her.  Could he ever tell her about this latest realization about himself?  If he did, how would she react?  Then there was his sister, Nan.  Mary Anne Victoria Winslow, now away at another college, studying, partying, enjoying her college experiences, presumably, just as Bryce was presumably enjoying his, as far as anyone in his family knew.  Nan was very bright.  She would be the one to keep the family fortune intact.  God knew, it would not be Chip.  Chip would do as a figurehead.  He could look imposing when he tried, but there was precious little behind the façade.  There were times when Bryce felt that their father knew this, times when he looked at Chip and wondered how he could have sired this vacuous playboy.  Bryce had seen it in his father’s eyes.  But then, his father had more or less counted on having two sons to carry on, and Bryce had let him down as much as Chip.  Chip could not help what he was, or was not.  He was window dressing, a nicely turned out surface.  He did not choose to be that way, he just was.  Bryce, on the other hand, had seemingly deliberately disappointed his father.  He had refused to become involved in the business world.  He had no interest in corporate law.  He was, in his father’s opinion, a dreamer, interested in tales of the past.  Like, yet unlike, his grandfather.  Grandfather was obsessed with the Winslow family genealogy, but he never allowed that obsession to interfere with good business.  He was a businessman to his fingertips.

 

But Bryce, Bryce had no head for business.  Even as a child, he had given away his allowance when a boy at school needed lunch money.  He had been a scout, and had taken the obligation to be “helpful, friendly, courteous, and kind” seriously.  He had also listened enrapt to the stories of Jesus as told by his grade school teachers.  “Blessed are the poor?”  His father, and society, saw that as nonsense, but Bryce found it a guide to life.  Bryce was hopeless in the business world, and so Sterling had allowed him to go away, to pursue his foolish idea of being a teacher, of attempting to impart to the young an appreciation of the past.  Even so, even though Bryce knew he was a great disappointment to his father, he still loved him, and did not wish to cause him additional pain.  How would his father respond to the news that his second son was not only a dreamer, but also a homosexual?  Could he reconcile his newly admitted sexual orientation with his love for his family?  Was there any chance of acceptance?  Would he have to go through life hiding his true nature from his family?  Was the only alternative rejection and alienation?  Those were real possibilities, as illustrated by Maddy Moore’s family, but possibilities he never wanted to see become realities.

 

As a result of this ambivalence towards his family, Bryce kept his weekly telephone talks with his mother to safe topics.  He discussed his classes, his professors, his love of the liturgy at St. Boniface, his activities as a pledge (some of them, anyway), but never the things which were most on his mind.  He felt as though he were cheating.  He was not being honest, and that disturbed him.  But he did not know what else to do.  Above all, he feared rejection.  If his family turned on him, the way Bobby Moore’s had, what would he do?  Bryce was fairly certain he would not commit suicide, but he did not know what he would do.  He knew any such outcome would leave him devastated.  So, he equivocated.  He avoided speaking about the really important things, either in his phone calls to his mother, or his e-mails to her and other members of the family.

 

Right up there with family was Church.  Bryce’s admission that he was gay brought with it some definite tensions with his Church.  Even as he was still working towards admitting his own sexual identity, he concluded that the position of the Catholic Church on homosexuality was irrational.  There seemed to be a serious tension, even a contradiction, within the position taken by the hierarchy in their public statements.  If, like some of the fundamentalists sects, the Church had continued to insist that homosexuality was a choice, and hence something which could be accepted or rejected by the individual, the position of the hierarchy would at least have the virtue of consistency.  But, as dense as the bishops seemed to be at times, in the end they could not continue to ignore the clear evidence of science.  Scientists might disagree about exactly what caused homosexuality, and how it fit into their paradigms of natural selection, but there was virtually no real disagreement that sexual orientation was a given, something over which the individual had no choice.  The bishops accepted this, but refused to take the next logical step.  They refused to accept the validity of same-sex unions.  They seemed to insist on homosexuals leading emotionally empty lives by stating that there was no legitimate way to bless the intimate union of one male (or female) with another.  More and more, it seemed to Bryce that this was a position which was not only irrational, but also a violation of the demands of charity, or the love of one’s fellow humans, which was such a central part of the message of Jesus.

 

Which led him to a consideration of the obvious matter of sex.  Bryce had engaged in sex quite a few times while in high school, always with a female.  Most of the time, he now realized, he was trying to avoid facing the truth about himself.  Those sexual encounters were not expressions of love.  They often involved no real feeling for the other person.  They were, in most instances anyway, not even expressions of a natural lust.  He was denying his natural inclinations, trying to blot out his natural feelings.  He had been told by his teachers and by the priests that the sort of things he was doing was sinful.  He was now willing to admit that, but not for the same reasons as those preached by Father Flannigan.  Like most young people, and many older ones as well, he had never really been convinced that all sex outside marriage was sinful.  But he was now willing to concede that what he had been doing was sinful, not because it was lustful and extra-marital, but because it was unnatural for him, hence untruthful and dishonest, and, even more, because he was using others as things, not respecting them as humans with the same essential dignity as he possessed.  Bryce remembered that, in his crucial encyclical Rerum novarum of 1891, Pope Leo XIII had severely criticized the capitalist society of the day precisely because it treated human beings as commodities to be bought and sold, thus violating their human dignity.  This was an aspect of Catholicism which his father had never accepted, perhaps never really considered, but one which Bryce had absorbed from his high school religion classes.  This was part of that “dreaminess,” that “lack of good business sense,” which so distressed his father.  But it seemed reasonable to Bryce that, if it was wrong to treat humans as things in an economic context, then it must also be wrong to treat them that way in a sexual context as well.

 

Agreeing with the Church on the dignity of the individual, Bryce still found himself in conflict with the pronouncements of the hierarchy on homosexuality.  How far could he go in his disagreement and still remain a Catholic?  That was a new question which demanded an answer.  Was accepting these pronouncements necessary to remain a good Catholic?  So, as Bryce was rational and judgmental, as indicated by his psychological testing, he now had to face the consequences of his acceptance of his homosexuality.  Either he would find in another male a partner with whom he could live a life based on love, and on respect for the human dignity of the other, or else he would have to remain celibate.  He could not see himself living an aimless, promiscuous life.  If he formed an intimate relationship with another male, including a sexual relationship, could he remain in the Church?  Neither could he see himself leaving what had been such an intimate part of his life, especially as he believed in almost everything else the Church stood for.  If he remained in the Church, could he remain celibate, as the Church seemed to insist?  How far could he apply the teachings of the hierarchy in his personal life?  Already, Bryce had gone longer without sexual release, except at his own hand, than at any comparable time since he first had sex at age fifteen.  But it was not easy, and was becoming less acceptable day by day.  If he found, as he expected, that he could not live a celibate life, what did this mean as far as his relation with his Church was concerned?  Bryce had never considered himself devout, much less fanatical, but he had also never considered leaving the Catholic Church.  Being Catholic was ingrained into him, and on most topics he believed that the Church had the right answers.

 

If Bryce were to accept a sexual relationship with another guy, the obvious choice was right next door.  He now accepted Damon as his boyfriend.  And that was in itself very strange.  It did not seem strange to Bryce that Damon was gay.  By now, Bryce and Damon accepted each other as gay, and had no difficulty talking to each other about that.  Ever since that memorable day in the park, Bryce had acknowledged to Damon his sexual orientation, and even discussed it with him freely.  He had gone further, and included Damon in his psychological experiments, facing up to his orientation and his other personality traits in a more personal and intimate manner than he had ever done with anyone else.  Not since childhood had Bryce felt so comfortable talking about himself to another person.  He knew that Damon wanted to have sex with him.  He wanted that, too.  But he just could not let go of his inhibitions telling him this was wrong.

 

Of all the people Bryce had come to know at all well since arriving in Clifton, Damon was in many ways the least likely choice for an intimate friend, much less a life partner.  Although Bryce had never really known another black person, there was still an atmosphere in his social circles back home that blacks were in some way socially unacceptable.  Yet, from the first time he laid eyes on Damon, he was attracted to him.  His race simply did not seem to matter.  But, even if that were set aside, Damon came from a totally different social and economic background than did Bryce.  His speech was sometimes rough and often vulgar.  His manners were far from polished.  His prior experiences could not have been more different if he had been raised on another planet.  Damon was spontaneous, whereas Bryce was cautious.  Damon did not mind being noticed, even being outrageous, whereas Bryce preferred to remain on the sidelines.  Damon professed no religion and rather flexible morals, whereas Bryce was quite serious and regular in his observances.

 

But, despite all this, the two were attracted to each other, they enjoyed each other’s company, they played off each other, and they respected each other’s intelligence.  So, Bryce was willing to accept Damon’s embarrassing behavior, and Damon was usually willing to be patient with Bryce’s obsessive need to reason out his position.  His frustration with Bryce’s hesitations had resulted in a beer wasted over Bryce’s head, but that incident had blown over within an hour.

 

Bryce was aware that Damon had previous homosexual experiences.  Damon said as much in casual conversation.  He also became aware that Damon was having sexual encounters there on campus.  He knew nothing specific, and would never ask.  Damon never spoke about it.  Bryce was not sure just what made him certain of this, but there it was.  This, too, would eventually need to be worked out.  For the time being, Bryce considered that Damon had the same, or even stronger, sexual needs as did he, but had none of the internal restraints on those desires which made it impossible for Bryce to seek satisfaction.  Consequently, while it bothered him, especially as he did not know how safe Damon was being, he accepted that this was a side of his friend he would simply have to live with for now.

 

An additional complication was introduced, on the Sunday after the pledges worked that first regular Sigma Alpha Tau party of the semester.  On that day,  20 September, Damon attended Mass at St. Boniface for the second time with Bryce.  They again encountered the Sandovals and enjoyed a brief exchange with them before the service.  Unfortunately, it was again a Sunday when Father Payne preached, and even more unfortunately he chose to condemn a series of offenses including contraception, extra-marital sex, and homosexuality.  Bryce again had his reading materials with him, as his mother had suggested, but even so he could not miss the completely rigid position taken by the pastor.  He was embarrassed by this sermon, but hoped it was sufficiently garbled that Damon would miss the references to homosexuality.  Bryce noticed that, less than half way though the sermon, the entire Sandoval family got up and left the church.  He was tempted to follow, but did not want to embarrass Damon.  They must have returned at some point, as he saw Mike again at communion time, but at that time, too, Damon remained in the pew.  Afterwards, no one said anything.  There was an uneasy silence on the whole subject over dinner and throughout the afternoon.  Bryce and Damon, along with several other SATs, helped out at the soup kitchen, then adjourned to the fraternity house for a few beers.  Later in the evening the two friends headed back to their dormitory.  The angry storm cloud which had been hovering all day at last burst.

 

“That preacher of yours doesn’t like us much,” Damon commented as they entered Bryce’s dorm room.

 

“No,” Bryce admitted.  “There are a lot of things Father Payne doesn’t like, and we’re on the list,” he sighed.

 

“He’s kind of hung up on sex, isn’t he?” Damon persisted.

 

“I think so.  To tell the truth, I usually do what my mother recommended, and take something to read during his sermons.  I find him annoying,” Bryce conceded.

 

“If he annoys you, why do you go?” Damon wanted to know.

 

“Well, Father Payne doesn’t preach every week.  Besides, I like everything else about the liturgy at St. Boniface,” Bryce defended himself.

 

“Yeah, well, that was pretty in-your-face this morning.  In fact, if I were not there with you, I would have walked out,” Damon said forcefully.

 

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I would never have subjected you to that if I had known beforehand what his subject was to be.  I felt like walking out, too, but I thought it might embarrass you.”

 

“What embarrassed me was sitting there and having that man tell me I was something less than fully human.  I don’t see any difference between the kinds of things he said about gays, and the kinds of things racists say about us blacks.  I’m not going back to your church, Bryce, no matter what!” Damon angrily responded.

 

“I understand.  I’m sorry,” Bryce hung his head and replied sadly.

 

“But you are, right?”

 

“Well, yeah.”

 

“I don’t get you.  Your Church insults you, but you keep going back.  What is this, some kind of masochism?” Damon demanded.

 

“I’m working on all that, Damon.  I still believe in the Church.  Father Payne is not the Church.  I believe in almost everything she teaches.  I believe she does a great deal of good in the world, and I believe she is the true Church founded by Christ, who is the Savior of mankind.  At the same time, I believe she is totally wrong when it comes to what she says about homosexuality, and in fact is off base on most of her sexual teachings.  It’s all very complicated.  I’m trying to work out in my own mind how the true Church could be so wrong on something as basic as sex,” Bryce agonized.

 

Damon sat at Bryce’s desk, pondering what his friend said.  He looked as though he did not understand Bryce at all, but felt sorry for him nonetheless.  Then he rose and moved towards Bryce, who was seated on his bed.

 

“On Thursday when we were in Pat’s you went on and on about trying to figure everything out.  Sometimes you just can’t figure everything out, Bryce.  Do you remember what I said at that time?”

 

“You mean before you wasted a perfectly good beer by pouring it over my head?” Bryce asked with a grin.

 

“That’s the time,” Damon responded.

 

“Something about action being more important than theory, wasn’t it?” Bryce asked, wondering what Damon had in mind as he continued to move closer.  “Fortunately, we don’t have any beer here,” he added.

 

“No, but the principle is the same.  Damn it, Bryce, you think too much.  Sometimes you just have to go with your gut feelings.”  By this time Damon was standing right next to Bryce.

 

Bryce leaned back on his elbows.  “What kind of atrocity do you have in mind now?” he asked.

 

“Stand up,” Damon ordered.

 

“What?”

 

“Just stand up.”

 

Slowly, Bryce stood.  He was inches away from Damon, closer than comfort for a normal conversation.  But Damon did not have conversation in mind.

 

No sooner had Bryce risen to his feet than Damon threw his arms around him, pulling him close, and then kissed him on the lips.

 

Bryce was surprised, taken totally unawares.  At first, he made feeble efforts to escape.  That ended quickly.  Then there was the passive phase, when Bryce did not resist, but did not respond either, represented by his hands dangling at his side.  That, too, quickly passed.  Bryce began to react, first to the kisses, then by placing his arms around Damon and returning his embraces.  His lips opened, and he allowed Damon’s tongue to enter the cavity of his mouth.  A lingual duel ensued, in which Bryce was as much aggressor as defender.  Damon began to run his hands up and down Bryce’s back, then grasped his buttocks and pulled his boyfriend into himself.  Bryce responded, feeling the muscles rippling beneath Damon’s shirt.  Damon exerted a little pressure, and both men fell onto the bed without breaking their embrace.  They continued to kiss and caress each other, as Bryce moved his hand up to Damon’s face, allowing his fingers to lightly flick across his cheek, then settle on the nape of his neck as he held his partner close.  As they scooted themselves up on the bed, this closeness extended the entire length of their two bodies, with Damon’s right leg pressed between Bryce’s thighs.  Each became aware that the other was now experiencing a hard-on, which was pressing against the fabric of his jeans and poking the other, letting the other know he was enjoying this.

 

The kissing and cuddling lasted at least twenty minutes.  By then, Bryce seemed to have lost even a shadow of resistance.  When they finally came up for air, Bryce giggled like a ten year old.  “Yeah, I guess sometime those gut feelings just have to win out,” he conceded.