After dinner on that Monday evening, Bryce and Nate left Damon, Jason, and Caroline to their own devices, and once again withdrew into the library. They settled in the recliners before the empty fireplace, their drinks at their sides, ready for another round of talk.
“Okay, Nate, have you had time to consider what exactly you want to talk to me about?” Bryce began.
“More or less. I mean, you know the big topic. I’m gay and I’m in a relationship with Jason, and the Church does not approve.”
“That’s a good place to start. When you say ‘the Church,’ exactly what do you have in mind?” Bryce questioned.
“Well, you know, the pope, the bishops, all that,” Nate replied.
Bryce smiled. He remembered a similar topic of discussion with Father Miller last fall. “I thought that’s what you meant. Let me give you the results of a conversation I had with your cousin or whatever last year. No, he made me work for it, so I’ll do the same for you. Think again. What is meant by the word ‘church’?”
Nate gave Bryce a quizzical look. “What is this, a game? I thought you were going to tell me how to reconcile being gay and being Catholic.”
“Sorry if I came across the wrong way, Nate. As I told you, I saw Father Miller almost every week last fall. We finished just before Thanksgiving, when he told me what I wanted to hear. But he put me through it all step by step during the weeks before that. When I complained, he said that if he just told me the first time we met, I wouldn’t really believe it down deep. I had to work it out myself so I made it my understanding, my belief. I was trying to do the same thing, but I guess he’s got a lot more experience in leading a conversation that I do.”
Nate considered that. “Okay, I see the validity of the overall approach. It can’t be someone else’s solution, it’s got to be my solution, right?”
“Absolutely. And because no two people are exactly alike, the details might vary, but because we’re all human, the core remains the same for everyone,” Bryce proposed.
“That makes sense. Okay, let me tell you where I am right now,” Nate said. “Then we can see what the best approach might be.”
“Go on,” Bryce invited.
Nate summarized, “I told you about my background, about the Irish origins, the Maryland experience, and the settlement on the Kentucky frontier even before Kentucky became a state. I grew up in what Father Crews called an American holy land. Are you familiar with his book?”
“No, I’m afraid not,” Bryce admitted.
“I’ll lend you my copy some day. Clyde Crews, An American Holy Land. It came out back in the 1980s but it’s still available. Father Crews came to my high school to give a talk once. He has trouble getting around these days, but he’s a great historian. You should appreciate that, Bryce.”
“I will definitely look into it,” Bryce promised. “My mom and I both have done some genealogy, but you have a different kind of family history, and maybe a more important kind. Continuity of faith, not merely of genes. But you were reviewing your family background. Go on.”
Nate grinned. “It’s so easy to get sidetracked when I talk about my family. I love my family. In a way, that’s part of the problem. If they were narrow minded and harsh, like’s Jason’s, it would be easy to write them off. Likewise, if I were one of these self-centered egotists who didn’t give a damn about anyone else as long as I was being ‘fulfilled,’ (Nate used his fingers to put quotation marks around the word ‘fulfilled’) then I could ignore them as well. But I do love my family, and I know they feel like I do about our Catholicism being a part of who we are. If I were to leave the Church, they would see it as rejecting them. And, frankly, so would I. We are so firmly grounded that it’s almost impossible to separate any of us from each other, or from the Church.”
Bryce sighed. “That’s beautiful, Nate. I don’t have the long family history you do. It was my grandparents on my mom’s side who converted to Catholicism about thirty-five years ago. But I remember saying some of the same things. Being Catholic is part of who I am, just as surely as being gay is part of who I am. The fact that one is a spiritual condition, and the other is a physical condition, makes absolutely no difference as far as the reality concerned. And, while we probably express it differently, I also love my family and they love me. Well, I’ll tell you about my brother sometime, but in general that’s true. You indicated yesterday that your family accepted you when you came out – what? – five years ago? Is that still true?”
“Oh, yeah,” Nate replied with emphasis. “I don’t think any of them really understand. I mean, talk about genetic proclivities does not get very far in my family’s conversations. But they know I’m gay. They know that means I’m attracted to guys and not girls. They know it’s something I was born with. I won’t say they like the idea, but they accept it as just one of my many peculiarities, kind of like the blue hair. One of the reasons they accept it, I think, is that I’ve continued to attend church, at least when I’m home. Like I said, I haven’t been all that faithful here at the University. I don’t like that, but I really did not feel welcome at the Newman Center.”
Bryce nodded in understanding. “It’s a shame no one told you to look around, like my mom told me.”
“Back home there is only one Catholic church in our town. That makes sense, as there are only about 2,000 people in the town, and a little less than half are Catholic. I guess it just never occurred to me to shop around,” Nate replied.
Bryce took a sip of his Bourbon. He was trying to come up with a way to deal with Nate’s questions in a way which would fit his situation. “Let’s try this. You have problems with the position of the hierarchy which says gays should remain celibate, right?”
Nate got a devilish grin on his face. “Right. And I don’t think Jason would appreciate that, either.”
“Probably not,” Bryce grinned back. “But are the hierarchy the Church? Are the pope and the bishops and the canon lawyers the Church as you experienced it in that one parish back home?”
An expression of concentration passed across Nate’s face, then one of understanding. “No, of course not. The Church was the building, the Church of St. Anselm of Canterbury, and the Church was old Father Cieslik when I was a child, and the Church was trips to Gethsemeni, and the Church was the stories told by teachers and older people about our family and about the saints all the way back to Jesus, and the Church was the people of the parish, and above all, the Church was my family.”
“And all of those are valid. Have any of those rejected you?” Bryce asked.
“No. I have not come out to everyone. I didn’t ask Father to make an announcement from the pulpit. A lot of people know. I have not been rejected. I’m just that strange Hagan boy with the blue hair,” Nate said with a grin.
“So, in a real sense, the Church has not rejected you,” Bryce pointed out.
“No, but …”
“I know. There are still those troublesome pronouncements from Rome and from the bishops,” Bryce sympathized. “Let me say I really appreciate what you have. I’m envious. Like I said, my family converted only a short time ago. There are centuries missing as far as continuity is concerned, and I never had those stories about relatives as part of the Church. But, as Damon can attest from our trip last summer, I do identify with the saints and heroes of the Church. That’s my past, too. But enough about me.
“Okay, since you don’t want me to put you through all the steps Father Miller put me through, and that would take days, anyway, I’ll tell you what we decided. Then you can decide what you want to do about it.
“The pope and the bishops represent authority. But there are degrees or levels of authority in the Church. Some pronouncements are more binding than others. If you reject basic doctrine, meaning the clear and unequivocal words of scripture, the doctrinal decrees of general councils, the infallible pronouncements of popes, or the unanimous teaching of the Church Fathers, then you are no longer Catholic. That is the highest and most binding level of authority, short of direct divine revelation. At the other extreme there are various pious practices and beliefs, such as making novenas, saying the rosary, visiting various shrines. A good contemporary example is the situation at Medjugorje. You are perfectly free to do or believe in these things, or not, and it does not affect your standing in the Church at all. There are various levels of authority in between. The statements on gay sex fall into the category of disciplinary decisions of the magisterium, that is, attempts of the leaders of the Church to apply the basic teachings of Jesus to everyday life. Those decisions must be taken seriously, but they are not absolute. They may change: as far as I can tell, on this topic they are changing. It’s in the same category as the requirement of priestly celibacy, or, until Vatican II, the requirement of Friday abstinence from meat. Those things can and do change. And as far as your personal standing is concerned, once you have seriously studied the issue, prayed over it, and considered the impact it may have on you and others, then you must follow your own conscience. Does this help?”
“As simple as that? Follow my own conscience?” Nate asked incredulously.
“This is what I was afraid of. You got the answer you wanted, but you don’t trust it,” Bryce sighed.
Nate blushed. Then he giggled. “Okay, you got me. But, seriously, where do I go from here? I want to believe what you just told me, but there’s that lingering doubt.”
Bryce considered. “Remember, there were conditions. It’s not just a case of liking something or finding something convenient, and then deciding that’s okay. I said you have to seriously consider the position of the magisterium, you have to pray over it, and you have to consider how it will affect you and others. I have a couple of things to read which might help along those lines. On the immediate side, I have two suggestions,” he said. “No, three. One, continue to attend at St. Boniface with me and the others. You’ll never resolve this unless you keep the lines of communication with God open. Second, make an appointment and go see Father Miller.”
“My cousin,” Nate said in what sounded like a defeated voice.
“Why is that so hard?” Bryce asked.
“I have this feeling that every relative, every neighbor in the entire county will know what my problems are,” Nate confessed.
Bryce just stared at him. After a couple of minutes, during which Nate turned increasing shades of red, Bryce said,”Really?”
“No,” Nate capitulated. “I have no reason to doubt that Father Miller will honor the seal of the confessional, and also the privacy of our discussions. I’m being paranoid. I’m just embarrassed to admit my doubts to someone connected to my background.”
“A little embarrassment might be good for the soul. Shows you’re not as unique and different as you thought,” Bryce grinned.
“Damn you! How did you get to be so wise?” Nate exclaimed.
Bryce smiled. “I spent week after week talking to Father Miller.”
“You win. I’ll do it. I’ll do both the things you suggested. And I’ll do it because I want what you have. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want half of me at war with the other half,” Nate decided.
“Good man,” Bryce congratulated him.
“What’s your third suggestion?” Nate cautiously asked.
“Simple. Use discretion. Kind of like what your father told you when you first came out to him, remember? That goes for everyone, not just other boys, and it includes priests. Not all will be as understanding as Father Miller. Now, our glasses are empty, and our friends are probably wondering whether we’re getting it on in here. Let’s go relieve their worries.”
Once again Nate blushed deeply. “You are the most infuriating person I know, Bryce Winslow.”
“Thanks,” Bryce said with a grin, as they moved back into the common room where Damon and Jason awaited them.
“At last. We were beginning to wonder what you two were up to,” Damon said when he saw them.
That caused Nate to blush furiously once again. Bryce laughed.
“I think we have come to what might be described as a temporary solution to Nate’s doubts,” he said.
“What’s that?” Jason asked, not without some suspicion in his voice.
“Nate will continue to attend Mass at St. Boniface, and will contact Father Miller at the Newman Center about seeing him on a regular basis,” Bryce said.
“I thought you would settle all Nate’s doubts. Why the priest at the Newman Center?” Jason asked.
“You answer that, Nate,” Bryce invited.
“Bryce gave me the answer I wanted. He told me I could be Catholic and still be your boyfriend, Jason. But he also told me it took him and Father Miller most of last fall to arrive at that position, and until I fully made it my own, it would never completely satisfy me. And he’s right. I love his solution, but there are lingering doubts. What if this is just a cop out? What if this is just going along with what I wanted to hear? What if this is not real? Bryce said I needed to go through it step by step to be really convinced – to make it my own. He’s right.”
“Bryce and Nate are right,” Damon chimed in. “I watched Bryce go through all this last year. I saw him chewing on it and worrying it like a dog with a bone. But, just before Thanksgiving, when he and Father Miller had their last session, I saw a difference. He was at peace with it. Believe me, you want that for Nate, too,” he told Jason.
Jason considered all this. “I’m not all that gung-ho on your Church,” he said.
“I know,” Nate said, putting his arm around his boyfriend. “Believe me, I know where you’re coming from. I’m not asking you to be Catholic. I’m just asking that you accept this part of me, too.”
“Put like that, how can I refuse?” Jason replied. “You know you’ve been the best thing which has ever happened to me. You’ve asked for so little, and I’ve asked for so much. You accepted me with all my screwed up background. Of course I’ll accept all of you.”
Nate and Jason kissed, with tears running down their faces. Both Bryce and Damon beamed, as though they were the cause of all this, like a pair of proud parents.
When the four of them settled down a bit, Bryce asked, “What happened to Caroline?”
“She thought she needed to put in some practice time, and took off maybe half an hour ago,” Damon replied.
“We need to celebrate,” Bryce decided. “Damon, break out the Woodford Reserve.”
“Oh, boy. First time for the good stuff,” Damon commentated, as he went to fix drinks for all four of them.
“If I remember correctly, there was another part of your decision,” Jason said to Nate.
“Huh? What?” Nate asked, being busy nuzzling his boyfriend.
“I think Bryce said you agreed to attend church regularly at that church we went to yesterday,” Jason reminded him.
“Oh, yeah. I did. I mean, I agreed to attend at St. Boniface,” Nate agreed.
Jason considered that. “It’s a good thing they have decent music,” he concluded.
“You’ll come with me, won’t you?” Nate pled.
Jason looked uncertain.
“It doesn’t hurt. Especially since Father Payne left,” Damon assured Jason, returning with the drinks.
“Who’s Father Payne?” Jason and Nate asked almost simultaneously.
Bryce and Damon laughed.
“He was pastor at St. Boniface, and unfortunately a real homophobe,” Bryce answered. “He was almost comical in his buffoon ways. His sermons were so garbled that it was hard to get anything out of them. But during the summer he was replaced with Father Fenwick, the priest who was there yesterday, and he seems like a more accepting, and generally more pleasant man.”
“And still you went?” Jason wondered.
Bryce replied, “Even though I dreaded the sermons every time he mounted the ambo, I really liked everything else about St. Boniface. Even Father Payne was okay while he was celebrating Mass. It was only when he said anything on his own that he was a problem. And Mike Sandoval and his family attend there, and I really like them.”
“I do, too,” Damon added. “I think I go to meet the Sandovals as much as for any other reason. After my family background, it is so refreshing to see a family which actually works.” Damon then looked with some trepidation towards Bryce. “Of course, there’s Bryce’s family, and especially his mother, but they’re not around every week,” he tried for a save.
Bryce grinned. He kissed Damon. “I know what you mean. The Sandovals are great.”
“Okay,” Jason agreed, “I guess I can stand attending as long as I can sit between Nate and Damon – my boyfriend and the other nonbeliever. It’ll provide some insulation against all the Catholic vibes,” he joked.
“That calls for another round of celebration,” Bryce announced.
Damon hurried to refill their glasses. There were toasts to Jason, to Nate, to St. Boniface, and to good music.
Finally, Damon proposed a toast to Sigma Alpha Tau. “It’s been a godsend to me,” he stated.
“And rush week begins tomorrow,” Bryce reminded them. “This year, rush week runs from Tuesday to Tuesday, thanks to the fact that our glorious leader, Curtis Manning, has been elected as President of the Pan-Hellenic Council. We expect you to pledge, Nate.”
“What if I can’t come up with the money to pledge a fraternity?” Nate asked.
“If you can’t pledge any old fraternity, that’s your problem, but if you can’t pledge SAT, Bryce will pay for you,” Jason asserted. Maybe he had a little more Woodford Reserve than was best.
When it looked like Jason was about to launch into another panegyric of Bryce for paying his fraternity dues, Nate cut him off by kissing him. Bryce looked very grateful.
Quietly, Bryce said to Nate, “I will cover your expenses if needed. We want you in SAT. But a little restraint is appreciated.”
Nate smiled. “I’ll give it a try. For Jason, and for you.”
Shortly thereafter, Nate and Jason decided it was time to depart. Jason was getting very amorous. Given his condition, Bryce insisted on driving them back to campus, and to Jason’s dorm.