Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 38 - Balance

            Tuesday began, like Monday, in a blessedly normal manner.  Bryce arose early and made his way to the fitness center, where he encountered Curtis Manning.  The two young men spent about an hour working out, keeping themselves in good shape and in good health.  In the sauna, Bryce said, “I don’t know why I put myself through this torture almost every day.”

            Curtis replied, “Of course you do, even if you’re not conscious of it every moment of every day.  I have never seen anyone more devoted to keeping everything in balance.  You know, the physical and the mental, and especially in your case, the spiritual as well.  I seem to recall that was the ideal of the ancient Greeks.  There’s a Greek saying or something that seems to fit, although it almost sounds like you’re saying someone is insane.”

            Bryce laughed.  “I think you have in mind the adage mens sana in corpore sano.”

            “Yeah, that’s the one,” Curtis agreed.

            “Well, it’s Latin, not Greek, but you’re right, at least to the extent that I fully agree with the sentiment.  It’s healthy, physically and mentally, to keep a balance.  A healthy mind in a healthy body.  That’s how it translates.  I really think a lot of people come to grief by allowing things to get out of balance.  I kind of think that’s where Jason went wrong, letting things get out of balance, you know.  Extremes are unhealthy,” Bryce mused.

            Bryce returned to the dorm and roused Damon, after which they went off to get breakfast.  The day unfolded in a most satisfying manner, with no more crises to ruffle the calm.  At lunch time, the two decided once again to visit Rebecca Ruth Hall and the offerings of the Home Ec – oops, we must be PC – Human Ecology Department.  By whatever name, the Department kitchens produced delectable lunches, and in addition they had the company of Caroline Koehler thanks to her unusual combination of a music major and a minor in what was now called Culinary Science, formerly known as cooking.  Bryce mused that there must be something suspicious about a discipline which tried so hard to disguise what it was doing from the general public, but he did not dare mention that to Caroline.  As she so often did, Caroline, entirely unaware of Bryce’s subversive thoughts about her minor discipline, supplied both guys with Bourbon balls for dessert.

            After spending a pleasant lunch period, they all three made their way to the Breckinridge Fitness Center, where the day began for Bryce, and where all three now had their PE classes, Bryce and Caroline in karate, and Damon in swimming.  This afternoon, Bryce was perhaps more aware of how karate played into his overall outlook because of his exchange with Curtis that morning.  He had not consciously chosen karate for this purpose, but it certainly contributed to a sense of balance in his life.  Balance was so very important in getting the various moves down correctly.  Things simply did not work without it.  Without balance, one was just a spastic clown, which Bryce thought he was when he began the class last semester.  He felt particularly pleased when Ms. Cheng, the instructor, praised his efforts that afternoon.

            During the later afternoon, Bryce worked on his term papers, as there seemed to be one in just about every class he was taking except karate.  Damon was busy on his own work.  They found that they could work in the same room, each at his own desk or sprawled in a comfortable armchair reading, enjoying the other’s presence, but without being distracted by it.  About six o’clock, they decided to go out to their favorite local family restaurant for dinner.

            After getting their meals, Damon inaugurated the conversation by asking, “Tell me again, just what was the problem with Jason Todd.  Why did the high honchos feel the need to hold that trial thing last evening?”

            “A couple of the brothers felt that, by associating himself with the anonymous sex going down at that restroom in the library, Jason by being irresponsible and possibly bringing dishonor to the fraternity,” Bryce explained.

            “So, it was not about being gay?” Damon wanted confirmation.

            “No, not at all.  Once or twice, Jason tried to make it into an issue of homophobia, but I never got that, and the guys who were his accusers, Bostick and Cecil, rejected that interpretation entirely.  I can’t think of anything exactly parallel, but it would be kind of like if there were a place on campus where a straight dude could go and fuck a girl without knowing who she was, and without ever meeting her again.”

            “From what I hear, something like that happens at some of the parties on campus,” Damon objected.

            “Yeah, I guess so.  I know there’s an incredible amount of sex that takes place, and not just at parties.”  He laughed.  “My sister described us as being at the height of the hormonal phase.”  More seriously, he continued, “I’m not entirely comfortable with it, no matter whether it’s gay or straight, but I don’t guess most of it’s too bad.”

            “Do you really think sex is bad?  What?  Sinful?” Damon asked.

            “No.  Definitely not.  On the contrary, I think sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given us.  It’s when the sex gets out of hand that I have a problem with it, and I guess we could debate just where to draw the line.  But I definitely do think that the idea that anything goes is wrong,” Bryce said.

            “Even among consenting adults?” Damon pushed.

            “Yes, even among consenting adults.  Just because you agree to something does not automatically make it right. It’s kind of like alcohol.  You know I have nothing against taking a drink from time to time, but, if you’ll pardon the personal note, I do think there’s something wrong with drinking to get plastered, like you were doing early last semester,” Bryce said, looking intently at his partner.  “I am so glad you got that under control.”

            “If you had said that in August or September, I would probably have told you to mind your own business, and that would be if I were in a good mood,” Damon replied.  “But now, I guess I can admit that I was overdoing it.  I was drinking and getting drunk because I was very unsure of myself, and of whether I could make it here at the University, and of whether I could survive as a gay person and a black person on this predominantly straight and white campus.  Okay, I was covering up my insecurities.  Besides, getting plowed was more or less acceptable behavior back in the projects.  Today, I can agree that that was the wrong way to handle things, so I can see what you mean, but I’m not sure I see the parallel with sex.”

            “Like I said, where to draw the line might be open to endless discussion, but as I see it, there are about three ways to experience sex.  One way is to use sex like the drunk uses alcohol, as a means to cover up insecurities, and maybe as a way of avoiding facing responsibility for doing things which he knows are wrong.  Another is a middle ground, not really wrong but not the best either, maybe like getting a buzz on without getting drunk.  And then, there’s what I think of as the best way, when everything is just the way it should be, like a nice glass of wine with a good meal, or a beer at the fraternity, sort of smoothing social exchange, but not impairing judgement,” Bryce expounded.

            “I don’t know how you do it,” Damon complained, “but you can make the simplest things, like drinking and sex, into something so theoretical I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

            Bryce broke out laughing.  “You are so good for me.  You keep my feet to the fire, and keep me solidly on the ground.”

            “That sounds really uncomfortable, and also physically impossible.  How can your feet be to the fire and on the ground at the same time?” Damon responded.

            “You won’t even let me get away with impossible analogies, will you?” Bryce sighed.  “I love you.  Let’s get back, and we can continue this discussion at the house with a couple of those beers.”

            “Now that’s something I can understand,” Damon agreed.

            At the Sigma Alpha Tau house, Bryce and Damon helped themselves to beer, and settled in an out-of-the-way corner to continue their conversation.

            “Now,” Damon demanded, “can you tell me again what’s wrong with some kinds of sex, and in language I can understand?”

            “Yes, Sir,” Bryce saluted.  He took a moment to gather his thoughts.  It was not that he was uncertain about his ideas, but rather that he was not accustomed to having to explain them in a consistent manner.  “Back last semester, when I was seeing Father Miller regularly, he told me about some writer, a defrocked Jesuit, I forget his name, who made the statement that there is no such thing as bad sex.  Father Miller put that forward as an extreme position, and I agreed.  I still do.  There are some expressions of sex which I think just about any sane person would think wrong, like the mass rapes in the Bosnian war, back in the 1990s.  There were reported mass rapes of Bosnian and Croatian women by Serbian troops, with some estimates as high as 50,000 victims.  There are cases of rape in any war, I guess, when emotions are high and raw power is available, but this was something more.  This was part of a definite policy of terrorizing the civilian population, and it has been declared a crime against humanity by the International Court at The Hague.”

            “I’m sure not going to try to defend something like that,” Damon said, “or any other kind of rape.”

            “Like I said, just about any sane person would condemn that kind of use of sex, but there are still some who don’t think about such things when they go spouting off about all sex being good sex, and there being no such thing as bad sex.  I think any association of violence, whether physical or emotional, with sex, is a genuine perversion of something basically good,” Bryce said.  “In that sense, it is like alcohol.  It’s not the drink that’s the problem, it’s the overdoing it, the loss of balance, the perversion of something basically good.”

            “Okay, I see the connection in this case,” Damon conceded.  “But back up some.  You’re saying any connection between violence and sex is wrong?  What about those S & M things?  As I understand it, that’s sex between consenting adults, and it involves violence.”

            Bryce hesitated.  “Okay, I’m going to tread on a few toes here, but, yes, I do think that kind of sex is wrong.  Even if one is an adult, and completely consenting, there is something basically wrong with inflicting pain on another human being, and likewise with wanting to have pain inflicted.  Kind of like binge drinking, it’s a sign of something wrong somewhere.  A drunk may be an adult and consent to his own drinking, but that does not make it right.  That’s personally and socially destructive.  It’s simply not healthy, and is completely out of balance.”

            “Well, I never had any desire to have pain inflicted on me,” Damon said.  “If at all possible, I try to avoid pain, but I know some guys back in the projects who do seem to really like making others suffer.  And, when I think of it, yes, those guys definitely have something wrong with them.  We used to say they had a screw loose somewhere.  What does S and M stand for, anyway?”

            “The S is for sadism, which is named for the Marquis de Sade.  You might remember I imposed some of my moaning about having to read some of his stuff on you at the beginning of the semester in my French class,” Bryce reminded Damon.

            “Same guy, huh?  I always thought sadism had something to do with being sad,” Damon said.

            “Sorry.  It looks right, but in this case there is no real connection between the two words.  Just a nutty Frenchman.  And the M is for masochism, which is named for a nineteenth century Austrian writer, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, in whose works people like to have pain inflicted on them.  I think it later turned out he did himself, so it was not just a case of using this in his writings.  So, the two go together.  Sadists like inflicting pain, and masochists like having pain inflicted.  But in both cases I think these likes are signs of some deep seated problem.  Like I said, not everyone would agree with me on this, and some people would say it’s just like the situation of gays in general.  At one time, being gay was considered a psychological disease, as well as being sinful.  Less than fifty years ago, in fact.  Those who approve of S & M say it’s the same thing, but I don’t see it.  To me, using another person like an object, and inflicting pain, is inherently wrong, and combining it with sex, which to me should be an expression of love, is truly perverted,” Bryce stated with some passion.

            “I can tell from the way you put this that your religion is involved somewhere,” Damon deduced.

            “Of course.  We’re talking basic values here.  We’re talking basic ideas of right and wrong.  And in my case that is always connected with my religion.  God is the ultimate criterion of what is right and what is wrong,” Bryce agreed.

            “Well, since I’m looking into your religion, tell me, what other kinds of sex do you think are definitely wrong,” Damon insisted.

            “Like I said, anything that involves treating another person as an object.  That is not only physical violence, like rape or S & M, but emotional violence as well, and, in the long run, the kind of anonymous sex associated with that library restroom.  They’re all in the same category in my mind, because they are misusing the great gift of sex to treat people as though they were things, only there as objects to satisfy my desires.  That’s a misuse of sex, in my opinion,” Bryce said, “and it’s the misuse which makes it wrong.”

            “That’s the second time you’ve used the phrase ‘emotional violence.’  What do you mean by that?” Damon asked.

            “Oh, you know, laying a guilt trip on someone, or using sex to control someone.  Surely, you’ve heard someone say something like, ‘if you loved me, you would have sex with me,’ or ‘I won’t fuck with you tonight if you don’t let me use your car, or copy your notes, or whatever.’  Things like that, where someone is using sex as a means of getting his way with someone else.  It’s all about me, and not about the relationship between the two people involved.  That’s what’s wrong with it.  Sex should be a two way street.  It should be about relationship, not about ego,” Bryce proclaimed.

            “You’re cutting out a lot of the sex that goes on on campus,” Damon noted.  “How sure are you of all this?”

            “Well, we live in an age which glorifies the individual ego at the expense of community, so I’m not surprised that my ideas are in conflict with a lot of what goes on.  But I think I’m on solid ground rationally and theologically,” Bryce replied.

            “I guess this is something I need to think about if I am thinking of becoming Catholic.  How much of this is basic to being Catholic?” Damon asked.

            “I see it as pretty basic.  I mean, not necessarily my take on it, but the basic idea that treating another person as a thing, an object, a commodity, is wrong, that is pretty basic.  In 1891 Pope Leo XIII issued an encyclical which is considered a foundation of modern Catholic social thought.  It’s called Rerum novarum, which means ‘concerning new things.’  It dealt specifically with the economic and social impact of the industrialization of society.  In it, Leo is highly critical of some aspects of capitalism specifically because it treats people as thought they were commodities, things.”

            “So this is not just something you have decided, or that has popped up in the last few years?  And it’s not just about sex?” Damon realized.

            “Right.  Once you realize a few basic realities about what it means to be human, and what it means to be Christian, the applications are everywhere,” Bryce agreed.

            “So, back to sex, can I deduce that you think sex which does not harm anyone is not a sin?” Damon enquired.

            “Well, there are levels of sinfulness,” Bryce temporized.

            “Oh, no!  More hair splitting!” Damon complained.

            Bryce grinned.  “Hair is pretty fine, and the dividing line between truth and falsehood is also pretty fine sometimes.”

            Damon sighed.  “Okay, explain.”

            “I think I made it pretty clear that I believe that any association of violence of any kind with sex is a perversion, a misuse of sex, is irresponsible, and wrong.  I would put that kind of activity in the category of a mortal sin.  The word ‘mortal’ means deadly.  In other words, this kind of activity kills the soul, and if not repented of, will result in eternal damnation.  But there are other kinds of sin.  In Catholic theology, we also have what are called venial sins, that is, less serious sins.  After all, Jesus said even the just man sins seven times daily.  So not all sins send you to hell for all eternity.”

            “I’m glad to hear that,” Damon inserted in Bryce’s exposition.

            Bryce continued, “Most of the sex I see on campus falls into this second category.  Two people kind of like each other.  They want to make the other person feel good, as well as feeding their own egos.  It’s not all one way.  No matter how much guys like to boast, if you probe a bit, you find they really do care about their partners, even if it’s not a grand passion, or any kind of serious commitment.  This is what I would call a venial sin.  It’s wrong, because it’s not the proper use of sex, but it’s not serious enough to damn anyone.”

            “If it’s wrong or sinful, but not enough to damn anyone, where does that leave you?” Damon asked.

            “That’s where purgatory comes in,” Bryce replied.

            “I thought purgatory was another name for hell,” Damon said.

            “Not at all.  Oh, some old writers, like St. John Fisher, described purgatory in terms which sound an awful like the torments of hell, but that’s just his opinion.  I find the doctrine of purgatory very positive and encouraging.  And it is a Catholic doctrine, it’s not optional.  This belief was proclaimed by three general councils of the Church, Lyon in 1274, Florence in 1439, and Trent, which met off and on between 1545 and 1563.  A doctrine proclaimed by a general council is part of the basics of Catholic belief.  So, to get to the idea of the sinfulness of what we might call recreational sex, or venial sins in general, I think that means you spend time in purgatory, but eventually you get to heaven,” Bryce explained.

            “I don’t get that,” Damon declared.  “I thought that when you die, God decides that you go either to heaven or hell.”

            “That’s the general Protestant belief,” Bryce agreed, “but not the Catholic belief.  Protestants rejected the idea of purgatory, but it makes a lot of sense to me.  I mean, how many of us are perfect?  Or even anywhere near perfect?  Would you really be confident being judged by God at this moment?  Think of purgatory as a kind of preparation period, a time to get ready for the final meeting with God in heaven.  Catholic teaching is that everyone in purgatory will eventually get to heaven.  And, I’ve used words like ‘eventually’ and ‘spend time’ in talking about purgatory, but that’s because we are in a material universe, which is bound by the restraints of time.  As I understand it, God, and heaven, purgatory, and hell, exist outside those restraints.  Using terms which imply the passage of time are merely imperfect analogies with our earthly existence.  In the life after death, time is essentially meaningless.  God exists in an eternal present.  So will we.  Maybe it would be more accurate to say that purgatory is a state of being, rather than a time.  We can’t grasp it entirely, but in some way it is a preparation for being in the presence of God, and that’s what heaven is.  So, a venial sin, like the recreational sex I was talking about, might prevent the immediate enjoyment of heaven, but would not result in eternal damnation, like a mortal sin would.  I find that very encouraging.”

            “Yeah, I can see that.  Provided you agree to the idea of God, and heaven and hell, to begin with, this seems like a reasonable way to deal with the fact that most people are a mix of good and bad,” Damon conceded.  “But, you said something about a third kind of sex.”

            “True.  In addition to what I would call bad sex, like rape and the like, and to what I would call recreational sex, there is sex the way it ideally should be.  Ideally, sex should be an expression of the love of one person for another in a very special way, a way that is unique to those two people.  In other words, the kind of love you and I have.  And I don’t think that kind of sex is a sin at all,” Bryce asserted.

            “I really appreciate that.  I love you, and I am sure you and I were meant for each other, and are good for each other.  I’m glad you do not think that the sex we have is wrong.  I sure don’t.  But that’s not what your Church says, is it?” Damon declared.

            “There are times when I think that the bureaucrats in Rome are actually trying to drive people away,” Bryce declared in some exasperation.  “They make such stupid statements, and in such negative terms, that the average persons can only conclude that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about when it come to sex. I think it was Flannery O’Connor who said Jesus never promised that his Church would be operated in a sinless manner, or even in an intelligent manner, but only that it would not require belief in something which was false.  Something like that.  Basically, that’s what I understand by the infallibility Christ invested in his Church.  And, you will keep in mind the distinction between basic teachings, or doctrine, and the applications of those basic truths, or discipline, which we talked about before.”

            “Yes, I remember you stressing that distinction in more than once conversation,” Damon agreed.

            “With that in mind, I think I am on solid ground when I say that my interpretation is within the parameters of Catholic orthodoxy, even if it is a minority position.  So, in my opinion, my Church has not taken a definite position of these matters of sex.  Not one which is binding in conscience on all Catholics.  The matter is still open to debate,” Bryce declared.

            “Even though most of the opinions disagree with you?” Damon pushed.

            “Yes, even though most opinions disagree with me.  It would not be the first time the majority opinion was later found to be inadequate,” Bryce insisted.  “Remember, I’m a student of history.  No student of history can honestly claim that the Vatican bureaucracy has always been right.  As I see it, they are wrong at least as often as they are right.  But the Vatican bureaucracy is not the same as the official teaching of the Church.  That’s what is proclaimed as doctrine by general councils, or infallible decrees of the popes.”

            “Okay, okay.  Don’t go off on another rant,” Damon calmed his boyfriend.  “But, if what you say is so, where did the idea come from that all sex outside of marriage is going to send someone to hell?”

            “First of all, there is the ideal found in the Bible.  In Genesis we find the ideal of the two partners becoming one flesh, that is, they become something more than just two isolated individuals.  Now, since the majority of humanity are heterosexual, naturally this was interpreted as a male and a female, both in the Old Testament and in the Gospels, but it doesn’t have to be interpreted that way.  I think you and I can become one just as really as a male and a female.  Where the difference comes in is when we consider the question of producing offspring.  Obviously, you and I cannot have children,” Bryce noted.

            Damon nodded.  “It would be interesting, but not biologically possible,” he agreed with a grin.

            ‘So, we need to ask, where does this biblical idea of two becoming one flesh become linked to the idea of having children?  I think it came about during the second and first centuries B.C. and the first century A.D., when the dominant outlook in the Mediterranean world was Stoic philosophy,” Bryce posited.

            “Do I have to know this to become a Catholic?” Damon wearily asked.

            “No.  But you might want to know it if you are a gay Catholic.  At least, a gay Catholic who wants to really know where he stands on the issues,” Bryce insisted.

            “Okay, go ahead.  Where do these Stoics come in?” Damon agreed.

            “The Stoics really distrusted the physical aspects of the human.  They thought the only really proper life of the human was the life of the mind, as the mind was what made humans distinct, and in that respect, I agree.  But it was the conclusions they drew from these ideas that created the problems.  By observing animals, they concluded that the purpose of sex was procreation, and deduced that any other use of sex was therefore unnatural and unworthy of humans at their best.  This idea was carried over into early Christian thought, including St. Paul, as it was the latest scientific or philosophical thought of the day.  But it’s not part of the Gospel.  It’s not part of the divine revelation of Jesus, any more than the assumption of those same early Christians, including St. Paul, that Greek astronomy, with the earth at the center of everything, is part of divine revelation.”

            “I can see the parallel between ancient Greek biology being wrong and ancient Greek astronomy being wrong.  Maybe out ideas are wrong, too, and will be regarded as just as silly by some future generations,” Damon mused.  “Go on.  If we don’t accept the idea that sex is for procreation, where does that leave us?”

            “Well, to some degree, sex is for procreation, if we consider the human species as a whole.  It’s the way we provide for the future of the species.  After all, we humans are physical as well as spiritual, body as well as soul.  But, with the human population being what it is, I don’t think there’s much danger of the species dying out.  We gays are a minority, after all, and our straight cousins will continue producing new life,” Bryce observed.

            “No question there,” Damon agreed, “but aren’t you getting sidetracked?”

            “Yeah, okay.  So, here’s the way I see it.  My theology says the spiritual side of humans, the soul, is different in kind, not just in degree, from the soul, or principle of life, in animals.  We share some things with animals, but we are something more.  The human soul allows us to use our brain in ways that animals cannot.  It’s a matter of physical development, true, but not just physical development.  There is a difference of kind.  Because we humans have an immortal soul, we can make choices, exercise the free will God gave us, using our brain as the tool.  We can indulge in theoretical thought, abstract thought, in ways that animals cannot, using our brain.  So, if our immortal soul, different in kind from a simple animal soul, allows us to use our brain in ways mere animals cannot, why not our sex as well?  Yes, it still had the animal function, just as the brain still has the animal function of coordinating the sense data arriving from other parts of the body, but it can go beyond that, and arrive at something higher than that.  Sex can have as its highest function the expression of love.  That makes the expression of love more significant as the purpose of human sex than procreation, contrary to what the Stoics said, and contrary to what all the theologians in the footsteps of the Stoics say.  That, in turn, means that sex as an expression of love is the highest expression of sex, and cannot be sinful.  It is the reason sex exists in humans.  It is why God put it there in the first place.  And remember, St. John tells us God is love.  In a real way, I think engaging in sex as a deep expression of love is communicating with God, is being at one with God.”

            “Wow!  That’s awesome.  That’s something to give someone goose bumps.  That’s a level of sex, and of lovemaking, I never even thought of before,” Damon admitted.

            “Well, I’ve been thinking about this since last semester, and checking what I think against my experiences when we make love.  I don’t feel it every time, I’ve got to admit.  But at least when it’s at its best, I really feel God is there when we’re making love.  I think this theory of mine, this interpretation, corresponds to objective reality as I have experienced it.  Damon, you are a link to God for me, and that means you are a source of grace for me.  You are the fulcrum which keeps my physical and my spiritual worlds in balance.  I love you.”

            “How can I ever doubt it?  I love you, too,” Damon assured his partner.