Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 37 - Unexpected Trials

            On Easter Monday the academic world was back as though nothing had happened since Friday.  The first class in the morning was French literature.  They were completing their consideration of Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980), having read Les Mouches (1943) and Huis Clos (1944), his most famous plays.  Predictably enough, Marc Rimbault enthusiastically endorsed the existentialist ideas propagated by Sartre, but Bryce Winslow did not.  Bryce argued that by beginning with the belief that God does not exist, Sartre loaded the dice in his arguments, but, more significantly, his arguments in favor of human freedom, which Bryce found appealing, made no sense in a universe without God.  Even in these plays, the humans are seen as acting in accordance with material stimuli rather than the free will Sartre lauds.  Of course, there could be no resolution of this difference between Marc and Bryce, as they began from different starting places as far as their concepts of reality were concerned.

            Next, they were scheduled to read Le deuxième Sexe (1949) by Simone de Beauvoir (1908-1986).  Bryce confidently expected the same conflict between his reading and that of Marc to continue to exist here.  Next, although out of chronological sequence, they would consider the works of François Mauriac (1885-1970).  When Bryce privately asked Dr. Anjot why Mauriac was out of sequence, the professor confessed that he had got his notes out of order when putting together his syllabus, and did not notice until it was too late to redo the handouts before the semester began.  On such matters do many decisions hang.

            That afternoon, in the British History class, Dr. Dickinson spoke about Edmund Burke again, this time in connection with the impeachment of Warren Hastings (1732-1818).  In 1787 Burke led the impeachment of the former Governor General of British India in a trial before the House of Commons which lasted until 1795.  Although Hastings was acquitted, Burke managed to make some important points about international and natural law in his arguments, which influenced many later thinkers.  As it progressed, the accusations of misconduct and financial improprieties brought against Hastings developed into an attack on the East India Company, the same company whose tea had been thrown into Boston harbor in the famous Boston Tea Party early in the American Revolution.  The company, originally chartered by Queen Elizabeth I, had a monopoly on trade between Great Britain and India, and held extraordinary powers, allowing it to launch its own army and navy, and carry out its own policies in relations with the indigenous peoples and governments, more or less independently from the British government.  It was the East India Company which carried out the British conquest of India, and for which Hastings worked.

            Warren Hastings exemplified admirable qualities during the earlier part of his career, but found himself overruled by his superiors and left impoverished.  He returned to England between 1764 and 1769, during which time he spent lavishly, and got deeply in debt.  Not only did he return to India determined to make his fortune, but he became entangled with a married woman, the German Baroness Imhoff, which added to his determination to succeed.  As accused by another member of the governing council in India, Sir Philip Francis, Hastings supposedly used his position during the period of the conflict between France and her allies and the British during the American War for Independence to enrich himself.  This belief was encouraged by Hastings’ significantly improved financial position, and the poor showing of the British in the Indian campaigns during these years.  That poor showing was supposedly a consequence of corruption in the provisioning of the troops, corruption which benefitted Hastings.  Burke argued that Hastings represented the rapacious interests of the East India Company which imposed conditions leading to greater suffering and poverty of the Indian people, and thus was contrary to the natural law, which pre-empted the monopoly rights of the company.  It was in part the failure of Burke and the Impeachment which justified the unbridled imperialism of the nineteenth century.

            As Bryce prepared to leave the classroom, Dr. Dickinson asked him to remain behind for a moment.  When the other students had departed, Dr. Dickinson asked Bryce to be present at the fraternity house that evening.  Tom Blankenship, the fraternity president, had the unpleasant task of presiding over a court of honor, in which a member was accused of conduct which created a conflict with fraternity principles.  As faculty sponsor, Dr. Dickinson was requested to be present, and he in turn asked Bryce to be there as an impartial observer and as his amanuensis.  After hearing about the Impeachment of Warren Hastings, Bryce was intrigued.

            Returning to the dorm rooms he shared with Damon, Bryce found his boyfriend again in a philosophical mood.

            “Can you prove that God exists?” Damon unexpectedly asked his partner.

            “No.  Not in the sense that it’s like a proof in Math.  I know God exists, because I have experienced him in my life, but I can’t prove that to anyone else.  In that sense, it’s like all the other really important truths in life,” Bryce answered.

            “Don’t you think that kind of undermines belief in God?” Damon asked.

            “On the contrary, I think it illustrates the limits of the mathematical-scientific approach to reality.  It only deals with the material world, and ignores the other half of reality,” Bryce insisted.  “Don’t you believe in God?”

            “I used to think that wasn’t important, but I don’t think that any more.  Most of the time, I believe in God, but sometimes I can’t help doubting,” Damon confessed.

            “That’s not unusual.  You know I’m more religious than the run of the mill student,” Bryce stated.

            “No kidding,” Damon teased him.

            “Yeah,” Bryce replied with a grin.  “But, as I started to say, even I have doubts from time to time.  I think everyone does.”

            “You do?”

            “Sure.  If you never have any doubts, not just about this, but about anything, that just means you aren’t thinking at all.  But you try to take into consideration all the relevant information, and balance things out, and then you make a commitment,” Bryce explained.  “At least, that’s the way it works with me.”

            “What kind of commitment can you make if you still have doubts?” Damon asked.

            “Like I said, you take everything into account.  In fact, it’s an on-going process.   It’ll last a lifetime, I guess.  But once you are convinced that this makes more sense to you than anything else, you decide to accept it.  Faith is an act of the will, a decision,” Bryce asserted.  “You can’t live in a state of suspended animation forever.  You have to act, and you have to have a rational basis for your actions.”

            “I know we talked about this before, but still, I thought faith was something emotional, kind of like that dude St. Paul on the road to Damascus,” Damon objected.

            “I suppose there may be rare instances like that, when God decides he wants some special person for some special mission, like he did with St. Paul, but I don’t think it works that way for 99.99% of the believers.  You’re a smart guy, you want your life to have some meaning, you want to be happy, you’re not going to be satisfied with some superficial glow that will be gone by  morning.  You consider the situation, compare the teachings of the Church with what you know of reality from your own life, and make a decision.  Accepting the Faith is an act of the will,” Bryce repeated.

            “Not an emotional high, then?” Damon concluded.

            “You can get an emotional high from whiskey, or from pot.  In a few hours, an emotional high is over and done with.  We both know people who have gone down that road, and we know where it leads.  Disillusion, addiction, disaster.  It never really satisfies for long.  The same is true of emotional religion.  You can go to a revival and get high on Jesus, and a week later you need another revival if that’s as deep as it goes,” Bryce insisted.

            “I knew some folks like that back in the projects.  I don’t know about revivals, although they came along from time to time.  I never paid them much attention.  But I knew folks who went to church every Sunday, and yelled and cried, and praised the Lord, and came out looking like they had been in an all-night orgy, but by Monday afternoon they were just as bitchy and mean as before, and had to go back the next Sunday to do it all over again.  Never seemed worth it to me.  I guess that’s one reason I never paid much attention to religion before coming under the malign influence of some guy named Bryce,” Damon grinned.

            “Bryce!  You’ve got to be kidding.  Nobody would give their kid a silly name like Bryce,” Bryce proclaimed.

            He and Damon horsed around a bit, before settling down again.

            “Seriously, though,” Bryce said, “I know what you mean.  In the Catholic Church, we don’t have revivals, but we have retreats.  Most of them are pretty good, where you take time out of your ordinary busy life, and spend some time thinking about God.  But I have run across a few which are not that much different than a revival in the kind of church you were talking about.  Never appealed to me, but I knew some guys who went in for them, and, like I said, the effects never seemed to last very long.  There are so-called charismatic Catholics, who are not much different than pentecostal Protestants, and I’ve heard of a movement called Cursillo, which also seems to be high emotion, but I don’t really know anything for sure, so don’t take my word on that.”

            “What about the emotional experiences I had during the Easter services, not just the Vigil, but Thursday and Friday as well?  Doesn’t that mean anything?” Damon questioned.

            “Sure it means something.  Once you have a decent framework within which to work and understand, experiences like that can support and heighten Faith.  I think they are graces from God, given to us as kind of boosters along the way.  The problem as I see it is that if you don’t have the framework of Faith, they get dissipated, just like the high of a night smoking pot.  In fact, I really think that without the framework provided by sound theology, such experiences can be harmful, leading to extreme behavior and really unchristian actions against others.  That’s what happens when somebody gets religion and then tries to force it down the throat of someone else.  If I can play psychologist for a moment, I think that indicates that the persecutor is not all that sure of his own faith, and is taking it out on the other guy to over up his own insecurities.  It’s a pathetic attempt to keep the emotional high going, but lacks the rational foundation which makes it all make sense.”

            Damon nodded.  “Yeah, I’ve seen something like that, too.  So, if I understand you, you’re saying it’s okay for me to keep thinking about becoming Catholic, even if I have these doubts.”

            “Yes.  In fact, I not only think it’s healthy for you to have doubts, but I would be worried if you became all gung-ho all of a sudden.  That would not be natural, and would raise doubts in my mind about the foundations of your conversion,” Bryce assured his partner.

            Later that evening, in response to the request from Dr. Dickinson, Bryce appeared at the Sigma Alpha Tau fraternity house.  He was shown into a small room, where a table had been set up, with three chairs behind it.  Eventually, those chairs would be for Tom Blankenship, Curtis Manning, and Terry Hoffman, three officers of the fraternity, who functioned as a court of honor, a kind of sub-committee of the Council of Officers for hearings such as these.  Dr. Dickinson sat to one side, available to advise when needed, but not a regular part of the proceedings, and Bryce sat next to him as his secretary.  At the outset, Bryce had no idea what the proceedings were all about, but he learned as they progressed.  On either side of the room were smaller tables, with two chairs behind each.  One was eventually filled by two brothers, Philip Cecil and Matt Bostick, while the other was filled by Jason Todd and Bob Balducci.  Kurt Bordenkircher served as Sergeant-at-Arms, preventing unwelcome interruptions from his position by the door.

            There was some fumbling about and whispered conversation, then Tom opened the proceedings.  “Brothers, we are assembled as a court of honor to hear the accusations made by Brothers Cecil and Bostick against Brother Todd, and to determine what, if anything, should be done in consequence.”

            At that point, Bob Balducci stood.  “Mr. President, I am acting on behalf of my little brother and former pledge.  In that capacity, I object to the presence of Brother Winslow, who my little brother says is a hostile presence.”

            Tom turned to Dr. Dickinson, who responded.  “I asked Mr. Winslow to be present.  He will serve as my secretary during the proceedings.  While I do not in any way wish to denigrate the abilities of Mr. Hoffman, he will be acting tonight as one of the panel of judges, and thus not in his usual position to take minutes.  In the event that these proceedings result in serious consequences, I want a record of what transpires.”

            Tom then added, “I gave permission for our faculty advisor, Dr. Dickinson, to have a brother with him for this purpose.  However, Brother Winslow has no official standing in this court of honor, and no vote in its decisions.  In fact, he is not permitted to speak unless called upon.  With all this in mind, I overrule the objections of Brother Todd.”

            Then the two accusers were asked to state their case against Jason Todd.

            Matt Bostick began.  “When a friend of mine told me that some brothers of SAT were frequenting the hook-up place on the third floor of the undergraduate library, I could not believe it.  That is so sleazy.  It is also irresponsible, in that even if the individual is careful, it is encouraging those who engage in promiscuous and unprotected sex, and therefore is complicit in spreading STDs.  I became interested to see whether there really were any SAT brothers involved.  I stationed myself where I could observe the doorway, and spent a couple of hours a day over a period of two weeks.  I saw a couple of other brothers pass by, but the only brother I saw actually enter or leave the restroom was Jason.  He was there almost every day.  I believe this falls under the provisions in our code of conduct in several ways.  It is, as I said, irresponsible and potentially dangerous to the public, and it also is activity tending to bring disrepute on the fraternity.”

            “My accusation is of a different nature,” Philip Cecil stated.  “We all know there are certain academic standards required for admission into the fraternity, and for continued membership.  It is my responsibility as academic monitor to check on each brother at midterm and finals to ascertain that these standards are being maintained.  Each brother has signed a waiver, allowing me access to his academic records.  As you also know, those students who are having academic difficulties, as represented by averages of D or F at midterm each semester, are reported to the Registrar’s office, with that information sent to academic advisors.  It is on this data, to which I also have access, that I rest my accusation.  Whereas previously Brother Todd was maintaining a very acceptable academic standard, this semester he has lapsed in just about every class.  Moreover, when I attempted to speak with him about this shortly after midterm, he showed no interest, and no willingness to do anything about the situation.  In this sense, my accusation is the same as Brother Bostick’s.  It is a matter of the reputation of the fraternity which is at stake here.”

            Tom Blankenship then turned to Jason and his mentor, Bob, for a response.

            Bob began his defense of his little brother with a plea for tolerance.  “Jason is gay.  He has only recently admitted this to anyone but himself.  Unlike some,” – at this point Bob looked directly at Bryce – “he is not blessed with a regular partner, but he still has the same needs as the rest of us.  Consider how you would feel with no sexual outlet.  Consider especially how you would feel as a member of a distinct minority, whose very sexual identity was denigrated by large segments of the population, including the student body, and even members of SAT.  This, I posit, sufficiently, explains Jason’s seeking release in a private and anonymous manner.  Besides, it would be entirely hypocritical of SAT to object to Jason’s sexual activities on the grounds of promiscuity, given the undoubted promiscuity of many, if not most, of the heterosexual brothers.

            “That takes care of Matt’s accusations,” Bob declared.  “As to Jason’s recent academic performance, we admit he has slipped a bit, but Jason is a second semester junior.  As Phil admitted, his previous performance was more than satisfactory.  We submit that the emotional stress of coming out as a gay person accounts for Jason’s temporary slump, and can be remedied without the necessity of action by this court of honor.”

            Matt responded, “I never said a word against gays, or against gay sex.  And, I agree, gays should be treated the same as the rest of us as far as fraternity policies are concerned.  What I was objecting to, and what Bob did not address, was the sleaziness of anonymous hook-ups, and the impact that has on the reputation of the fraternity.  As far as I’m concerned, Jason can have sex with anyone he wants, and as many people as he wants, but not when it impacts on the standing of SAT.”

            Phil also responded.  “I do not question Jason’s basic abilities.  Nor am I unsympathetic to his personal problems, which may have contributed to his current academic problems.  But I am concerned that, when I contacted him, he acted indifferent to the issue, and to the requirements of SAT.  I offered help, and was told to fuck off.  That does not indicate that the matter will be addressed before final grades are turned in.  And, I emphasize, this was not just once.  I attempted to speak with Jason no less than three times since midterm, with the same result.”

            Tom Blankenship addressed Jason Todd directly.  “Jason, you have heard the concerns expressed by Matt and Phil.  They seem to center on the issue of your actions causing damage to the reputation of Sigma Alpha Tau.  What have you to say?”

            “This is just a lot of homophobia.  The guys are out to get me for coming out as gay.  But that’s who I am, so fuck them,” Jason undiplomatically stated.

            Matt jumped to his feet.  “No!  I said it before, and I repeat: this has nothing to do with Jason’s sexual orientation.  It has to do with the reputation of the fraternity.”  Turning to Bryce, Matt exclaimed, “Have I ever said anything to you or Damon to indicate that I was homophobic?”

            Bryce hesitated to reply, given the statement from Tom at the outset about his position at this hearing.  But Tom, seeing his hesitation, said, “The court grants Brother Winslow permission to reply to the question.”

            “No,” Bryce said.  “I have not experienced any homophobic action or word from Brother Bostick.  Neither have I heard my partner, Damon Watson, say anything along those lines.”  Bryce then sat back down.

            Tom again addressed Jason Todd.  “Have you anything else to say?  In particular, have you anything to say regarding your poor academic performance this semester thus far?”

            Jason responded, “I’m trying to find myself.  I have to be true to myself.”

            Tom replied, “I won’t argue with that, although I’m not entirely sure what you mean by finding yourself.  Why does that require bad grades?”

            “I guess I get too busy to do the studying and rehearsing,” Jason responded.

            “Too busy?  Doing what?” Tom asked.

            “Discovering my potentialities,” Jason replied.

            “That sounds nice, but what does it mean?  You showed great potential for two and a half years, not only in the classroom, but in the fraternity as well.  What’s the story this semester?” Tom insisted.

            His mentor, Bob, attempted to prevent Jason from speaking any more, but Jason ignored him.  “There are more important things than grades,” Jason insisted.

            “I don’t deny that there are more important things than grades,” Tom responded. “and I think the other members of this court of honor would agree.  However, if you wish to remain a member of Sigma Alpha Tau, there are certain standards which must be met.  Likewise, if you wish to obtain a degree from the University of Clifton, there are certain requirements which must be met.  You might resent these requirements and standards, but they are there.  They are not something invented especially to torment you.  They are a reality of life.  If you choose to ignore these requirements, you must be prepared to accept the consequences.”

            “You’re threatening me!” Jason yelled.

            “No, I’m warning you.  You have offered no real rebuttal to the accusations placed before this body by Brothers Bostick and Cecil.  They assert that your actions pose a threat to the reputation of the house, and therefore are in violation of the code of conduct expected of all brothers.  What do you have to say to those accusations?” Tom asked.

            “You are all trying to force me back into the narrow, confined life I led before this semester,” Jason declared.

            “I’m afraid I do not understand what you mean,” Tom answered.

            “No, you don’t understand!” Jason cried.  “You don’t understand the narrow, confined atmosphere which denies you the right to be who you really are.  You don’t understand the strait-jacket which says you will act this way, and not that way, because that’s the code of the Todds.  Well, since accepting myself and coming out, I can no longer live that way.  I am gay, and gay sex is part of my reality now, and I will not deny it.  That would not be being true to the real me.  Now I’m getting gay sex four or five times a week, and I believe that’s the way I am intended to live by nature.”

            “You are not the only member of SAT who is getting laid four or five times a week,” Tom said.  “Why does that involve the anonymous hook-ups at that restroom, and why does it involve bad academic performance?”

            “Like Bob said, I don’t have a regular partner.  I get sex wherever I can find it.  As to my classes, I guess that’s a result of not wanting to feel bad about hooking up with strangers at that restroom you are so interested in,” Jason declared.

            “Feel bad in what way?” Tom enquired.

            “I was raised to believe gay sex was something terrible.  Naturally, when I engage in gay sex, that sets off guilt feelings.  That feels bad, so I take care of that with a little pot.  Don’t try to tell me no brother uses pot,” Jason challenged the officers.

            “I would never make that statement, although you know our policy about responsible behavior,” Tom responded.  “As I understand what you are saying, you feel justified in engaging in sex with strangers despite the dangers to yourself and the fraternity because you have not yet identified a partner with whom you can enjoy sex.  But, because of your background, this behavior causes you to feel guilty, so you medicate yourself with marijuana to dull your perceptions of reality so you feel no guilt.  But this also dulls your sense of responsibility not only about anonymous sex, but also about everything else.  Hence, missed classes, poor work on assignments, and poor grades.  That does not seem to justify the damage to the reputation of the fraternity put forward by Brother Bostick and Brother Cecil.”

            “You guys are just trying to force me back into a strait-jacket!” Jason yelled.

            Tom asked whether either side had any additional information to provide before the court reached a decision.  Bob had given up defending his protégé, and both Matt and Phil declared themselves satisfied.  Consequently, Tom asked all four brothers to retire from the chamber while the judges discussed the situation, but to speak to no one about the proceedings, and to remain in the vicinity.

            When Bob, Jason, Matt, and Phil had departed. Tom addressed Curtis and Terry.  “Did I go too far in questioning Jason?”

            “Well,” Curtis grinned, “you weren’t exactly sympathetic, but I didn’t see anything more than trying to get to just what the problem was, and Jason’s take on the whole situation.”

            “It’s a shame,” Terry agreed, “but I think the combination of Jason’s background and his drug use has led him into dangerous waters.  Unless he can get that under control, he won’t be around next semester anyway, no matter what we do.  I don’t know whether you guys actually looked at his midterm grades, but he has one C, three Ds, and an F.”

            “Worse than I thought,” Tom noted.  “So, what do we do?  The rules say we can expel a member who brings opprobrium to the fraternity, but then we will have to inform the Vice-President for Student Affairs and give reasons.”

            “Isn’t there some way we could help Jason, and avoid him flunking out?” Curtis asked.

            Tom turned to Dr. Dickinson.  “Have you any advice, Dr. Dickinson?”

            “I am encouraged by Curtis’ remark,” the Professor said.  “If at all possible, we want to help our brothers in SAT.  I agree that Jason has developed some very unacceptable habits.  How can we help with that without, in his terms, forcing him back into a strait-jacket?  I suggest two possibilities.  One, no more visits to the restroom in question.  Jason must learn to find more acceptable outlets for his sexuality.  Second, use of the facilities of the University Counseling Center to overcome his feelings of guilt and his consequent use of drugs to assuage those feelings.”

            “That sounds like a reasonable position,” Tom declared.  “Thank you, Dr. Dickinson.  What do the rest of you think?”

            “If Jason will accept them, I think those requirements meet the needs.  The harm to the fraternity posited by Matt and Phil will be removed, and Jason will be benefitted,” Curtis stated.

            “I agree,” Terry said.  “But we need some way of checking to make certain he actually carries out the conditions of continued membership.”

            “How about checking in with some agreed upon person each week or so?” Tom suggested.

            “Yeah, that would do.  Who?” Terry asked.

            “I suggest Bob,” Curtis said.  “I know he appeared today as Jason’s defender, but he got really pissed when Jason started going off on his own, and he was Jason’s mentor when he was a pledge.”

            “Perfect,” Tom declared.  “Are we in agreement, then?”

            The other two judges nodded assent, and so the four brothers who were hovering in nearby locations were summoned back by Sergeant-at-Arms Bordenkircher.  When all were seated again, Tom addressed the assembly.

            “The other two judges and I are agreed that Jason has a problem which may cause harm to the reputation of the fraternity.  We have discussed this among ourselves, and consulted with our advisor, and have arrived at the following decision: Jason may remain a member of Sigma Alpha Tau provided he agrees to certain conditions.  First, there will be no more use of the hooking up facilities of the restroom on the third floor of the library, but Jason is encouraged to find more acceptable outlets for his sexual needs.  Second, Jason will make use of the University Counseling Center to deal with his problems of guilt and drug use.  And third, Jason will check in each week with his mentor, Bob Balducci, to ensure he is carrying out these conditions.  Will you, Jason, accept these conditions?”

            “I don’t like it.  I think it’s discrimination to treat me like this, and I don’t think I have a serious problem.  But, rather than get kicked out of SAT, I’ll accept your decisions,” Jason answered with clear displeasure.

            “And you, Bob?” Tom asked.

            Bob sighed.  He knew this would not be easy, but he liked his former pledge, and, unlike Jason, did think there was a serious problem needing addressing, and he considered this judgement generous.  Consequently, he agreed to take on the unwelcome task of monitoring Jason’s compliance.  “Okay, I’ll do it.”

            And so one more problem was resolved, and Bryce learned a good deal about diplomacy, compromise, and compassion.