Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 24 - Gay Matters

            On Wednesday after Bryce’s History class, he had a long discussion with Damon.  He tried to explain that he had prayed to God for reassurance about their relationship, and had received that reassurance.  Damon was at first somewhat defensive, taking the position that Bryce’s love for him could not be really serious if he had to ask for this kind of reassurance.

            “Damon, you’re wrong,” Bryce insisted.  “From the very moment I first saw you, I loved you, and my love has grown stronger the longer I have known you.  My love was never in doubt, at least not in my mind.  What I was asking for was whether we were expressing our love appropriately.”

            “I know your church says gay sex is wrong.  Is that what’s bothering you?” Damon demanded.

            “Sort of.  I mean ....”

            But before Bryce could respond, Damon interrupted.  “Every time we have a conflict like this, it’s your church that’s the problem.  Sooner or later, you’re going to have to choose, Bryce.”

            “NO!  Please don’t say that!  That puts me right back where I was at the beginning of fall semester in August.  Then, I was struggling to find a way to be both Catholic and gay, because both are part of who I am.  Now, you’re trying to make me choose between being Catholic and being your lover.  I am both, Damon.”

            “That damned church of yours is always causing problems between us.  Which is it, me or the church?” Damon angrily demanded.

            “I know me being Catholic creates problems sometimes, but no way of life is free of problems.  Please, please, don’t make me choose,” Bryce pled.

            “I think maybe we need a time out here,” Damon suggested.

            “You’re right.  Let’s meet up again in the evening, say around 7:30, back here in the rooms,” Bryce agreed.

            Each of the young men went off for several hours apart.  Bryce retreated to the library to work on his History term paper, a comparison of Samuel Johnson and John Wesley as representatives of the Church of England during the eighteenth century.  Damon went to the Sigma Tau Alpha fraternity house to commune with his friend DuBois Kennedy.  Those two also had dinner, but Bryce was still fasting as part of his Ash Wednesday observance.

            While he was in the library, Bryce got a message on his cell phone from Gary Woodson asking that he call back.  In order not to disturb other patrons of the library, as some rude people so frequently do, he left the building to return the call from the library porch.  As he did, he wondered about people who whispered when talking to another person in the library, but seemed to talk louder than normal when using their phones in the same location.  He returned Gary’s call, and found that several issues had come up which required a meeting of the Executive Committee of the GLBT Club, so he was calling a meeting the next day at 11:00, as none of the members had classes at that hour.  Bryce agreed to be there.  He asked what the issues were which necessitated the meeting, and Gary answered that it had to do with words, but he preferred allowing those with the issues to explain at the meeting.

            Giving this matter some thought, Bryce also did some research on words especially relevant to GLBT issues, along with additional work on his term paper topic, before returning to the dormitory to continue his discussion with Damon.

            When Bryce entered their rooms, Damon was already there.  Even before he could remove his jacket, Bryce was hugged by Damon, who said feelingly, “I love you, Bryce.”

            Bryce replied, “I love you, too, Damon, like no one else.”

            Parting to allow Bryce to remove his jacket, Damon continued, “I had a long talk with DuBois, and he kind of set me straight.”  Damon paused and got an amused expression on his face.  “Maybe that’s not the best way to put it, under the circumstances.  Anyway, I’m sorry I keep harassing you about your church.”

            “I’ve done some thinking over the past few hours, too, Damon.  I could have said things differently, and avoided this whole crock of shit.  I keep forgetting that you and I don’t share a common vocabulary on things that have to do with religion.  I’ll try to keep this in mind, and avoid any misunderstandings in the future.”

            “Before I blew up at you, you were excited about something that happened at your church at lunch time.  Tell me again,” Damon invited.

            Pausing to select his words more carefully, Bryce said, “Last night, you and I made love, and in the process I swallowed some of your semen, and you swallowed some of mine.  I loved every minute, every second of our love-making.  And I want to emphasize that it is love-making, not just sex.  I have a lot of hung-ups because of my background, just like you do because of yours.  Some of those hang-ups make me question myself, question what I’m doing.  I know ... I have known from the very beginning, that our love is a good thing.  But, because of my hang-ups, I was asking for some kind of reassurance.  Not about my love for you, but about whether the way we expressed it was appropriate.  I got that reassurance.  I can’t prove it, and a non-believer would dismiss it, but I believe my reassurance came from Jesus, because of the context in which it came, following communion.  That’s neither here nor there.  What I was told was that my acceptance of the physical aspects of our love was a good thing.  Some of you is now part of me, and some of me is now part of you.  It binds us closer together.  I believe now that when we truly make love, like we did last night, it is a holy thing.  You and I are meant to be together.  It’s not just wishful thinking.  It’s not trying to cover up.  It’s not a case of convincing myself of what I wanted to believe all along.  This is really true.  I have it on the highest authority I recognize.”

            Making this statement was emotionally draining on Bryce.  He collapsed into a chair, breathing heavily, his eyes downcast, awaiting Damon’s reaction.

            It was a while coming.  Bryce almost concluded he had offended Damon again.  But just as he was beginning to worry, Damon knelt beside him.  He placed his arms around Bryce’s shoulders.  He pulled Bryce toward him, and, when Bryce looked up, kissed him on the lips.  This was not a passionate kiss, not an invitation to sex, although that would come later.  It was a calm and caring statement: I love you, and I care about you, and I understand.

            Bryce looked up, tears of gratitude in his eyes.  “I love you, too,” he said.

            The two young men sat for some time, holding each other, drawing strength from the contact between them.

            After a considerable period, Damon stirred.  “Do you think I’m stupid because I don’t seem to be able to grasp what you’re talking about when it comes to religion?”

            “No,” Bryce immediately assured him.  “It’s not a question of stupid, not a question of intelligence.  I know you are a smart guy.  Remember, your SAT score is one point higher than mine.  Sure, you had a lousy start in the schools that served the projects where you were born and raised, but that has nothing to do with intelligence.  You’re showing every day that you can do college work at least as well as I can, and it’s sure not your fault, or any lack of ability on your part, that your high school did not offer the AP courses that mine did.”

            “But you do realize that I don’t follow a lot of the time when we’re talking about religion, right?” Damon insisted.

            “Yeah, and I need to be more aware of that.  Damon, it’s just that I’ve lived with all this Catholic stuff since I was born.  I grew up with it as part of daily life, and had it reinforced in school from Kindergarten through high school.  I went to church every Sunday.  It’s so much a part of my world that it’s like putting on my pants.  I don’t have to stop and think, lower them to the floor, put in one foot, then put in the other foot, then raise the pants and fasten them.”

            At that analogy, Damon laughed.  “I prefer it when you lower your pants,” he kidded.  “But seriously, I sort of understand.  Let’s make a deal.  I’ll try not to get ticked off when you say something that strikes me the wrong way, but I’ll ask what you mean.  In return, you try to explain things so those of us from deprived backgrounds can understand what you’re talking about.”

            “I accept the deal, but I hope you’re not serious about the ‘deprived backgrounds’ part.  That sounds like I’m putting you down,” Bryce stated.

            “Yeah, it was partly tongue in cheek.  But, let’s face it, you really do think there’s some way in which I’m deprived because I have no religion, don’t you?”

            Bryce took his time before answering.  He definitely did not want another crisis.  “Let’s see if I can say this in a way that makes sense to you.  I do not think you are any less of a valuable human being than I am.  Period.  I want no misunderstanding about that.  But, yes, I believe that the spiritual is real, not just imagination or self-delusion.  I experience it as just as real as the physical world around me.  I experience the physical world through my five senses.  If one of those senses is missing, if I am blind, or deaf, for example, my experience of the physical world is different, and I guess less complete, than that of someone who has all five senses.  In the same way, the spiritual world is real.  I experience it through my feelings and my mind.  If those experiences are missing, then I guess I do think the person without a spiritual dimension is missing something.  That does not make him or her less human, or less valuable, just like a blind or deaf person is not less human or valuable.  But it does limit that person’s access to reality.”

            “That makes sense.  I have felt I was missing something from time to time.  Sometimes when we talk, and sometimes when I see you when you pray at church.  What do we do about this?” Damon asked.

            “First of all, we both need lots of patience.  I need to be more aware of the assumptions I make when I talk about such things.  You need to ask more questions, and make me explain over and over until you understand, or I give it up as impossible.  I admit, some things are just a matter of faith.  I believe them because they are part of the bigger whole, but I can’t explain them by themselves.  Most of all, we both need to remember that we love each other.  That first,” Bryce insisted.

            “Makes sense.  Let’s try it,” Damon agreed.

            “And, Damon, I will never try to force you, or put pressure on you, to believe the way I do.  If it’s not voluntary, it’s a fake.  In that way, too, religion is like sex.  It’s not the real thing unless it’s completely consensual.”

            Damon laughed.  “You always say the right thing.  Just sometimes you say a lot of nonsense before you get to it.”

            At that, Bryce pretended to be outraged, and attacked his boyfriend.  They rolled around on the floor for a while, basically just expending a lot of built up tension.  After several minutes, Bryce ended up on top, holding down Damon.

            “Ah ha!  You should be working out, or I couldn’t hold you down like this,” Bryce triumphantly declared.

            He leaned in and kissed Damon.  The light, joking kiss became serious.  Bryce was no longer holding Damon down, and Damon’s arms were wrapped around his lover’s body.

            “This floor is hard,” Damon said.  “Let’s go to bed.”

            And so they did.

            Bryce arose at six the next morning, and took off for the gym.  As usual, he encountered Curtis Manning, and they spotted each other, and generally just reinforced each other’s workouts.  In the sauna, Curtis asked, “I saw Damon hanging out with DuBois yesterday afternoon.  Everything okay between you two?”

            “Yeah,” Bryce replied.  “Temporary misunderstanding.  We made it all up last night.”

            “I don’t need the details,” Curtis protested laughingly.

            Bryce then woke Damon just a little earlier than usual.  He explained that, after fasting all day yesterday, he wanted plenty of time for breakfast.  He made good on that, devouring just about everything the campus cafeteria offered.

            After his Psychology class, Bryce made his way to the conference room on the second floor of the University Center, where the Executive Committee of the GLBT Club was meeting.  As Secretary, he was primarily concerned to get all the relevant information from the various speakers into the minutes.  It developed that some members objected to the word “homosexual” on the club website advertising the joint meeting with the Biology honors society in April.  A second issue raised by Vice-President Felicity Gaines was the name of the club.  She wanted it changed to LGBT.  That second issue came up for discussion first, solely because it had been raised first.

            Felicity pointed out that women had come second to men for centuries, and so the change would signify putting things on a more even keel.  Besides, lots of sources now gave that as the preferred abbreviation.  Gary Woodson pointed out that the Club was an approved campus organization under the title the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, and Transgendered Club of the University of Clifton.  If anyone wanted to make a change, that would involve getting the agreement of the Vice-President for Student Affairs, and the Committee on Student Organizations and Clubs of the Student Senate.  He joked, “If you want to struggle with that can of worms, be my guest.  I have no objection.  But please, leave me out of it.”  It was agreed that a proposal to change the name of the organization would be posted on the website, and it would be voted on at the next general meeting of the Club.  If it passed, Felicity would head the effort to implement the change.

            The larger issue involved the use of the word “homosexual.”  Gary relinquished the floor to Scott Huong to present the views of those who objected.  Scott stated that he had discussed the matter with several members of the Club.  He had been approached by Josh Young and several others shortly after the announcement was posted on the Club site.  They objected that the word “homosexual” was a clinical term, and implied that there was something wrong with those who were attracted to members of the same gender.  This led to an extended discussion about the word, and various alternatives.  Those objecting wanted to substitute the word “gay.”  Others objected that “gay” referred only to males.  The name of the Club itself used it that way, as females were clearly the L, or lesbian, part of the Club’s name.  Felicity said she thought “gay’ could be used for either gender.  That led to further comments.  “Is this another case,” Paul Feiling demanded, “where females want two words for themselves.  There used to be poet and poetess, and actor and actress, but now females demanded to be poets and actors, leaving them with one and a half designations, and males with only half a designation.”  Paul was generally considered to have an anti-female bias.  There was talk about the term “lesbian,” and whether that was in any way pejorative.

            President Woodson asked the Club faculty advisor, Professor Westover, about the use of the word “queer” in the titles of some of his courses.  He explained that “queer theory” was a term used in literary studies since the 1990s which questioned conventional assumptions about the role of gender in literature, and hence in society at large.  As he explained it, queer theory was largely a negative force, in that its definition was found in what it opposed, namely, any form of homophobia or sexism.  Professor Westover proclaimed, “I’m queer, and I don’t apologize for it.”  Asked about the use of the term in the mouths of the general public, he dismissed them is “the ignorant rabble.”

            Somehow, that did not seem very fruitful as far as the issues raised by member of the Club.  A discussion of the word “queer” took place briefly, but, much to the disgust of Professor Westover, all the students thought it was a pejorative term, and did not want it applied to themselves.  It was clearly derogatory as used by most people.

            As the hour drew closer to a close, with no decision at hand, President Woodson noted that Bryce had taken almost no part in the discussion.  Turning to the Club Secretary, he asked, “What’s your take on all this, Bryce?”

            “When Gary told me yesterday that the meeting was about the use of words referring to same-sex relationships, I did a little research,” Bryce reported.  “I happened to be in the library at the time.  The Oxford English Dictionary is a marvelous source for how words have been used historically, and that interests me as a prospective historian.  The fact is, there were no positive or even neutral words for any of us prior to the later nineteenth century.  The words “queer” and “gay” and “lesbian” existed, of course, but did not have the same meanings we employ now in this gendered context.  “Queer” just meant unusual, or maybe out of alignment.  “Gay” meant happy and carefree, and “lesbian” referred to the Greek island of Lesbos, most often to the wine produced there.  I did find that the first known use of “gay” with any other meaning was a seventeenth century reference where it essentially meant “immoral,” and I object to that, as I do not believe being who I am is immoral.

            “I found out that the use of most of these terms, and of the words “homosexual” and “heterosexual,” in their modern meaning first came about in the later nineteenth century, so they don’t have much of a history to rely on.  The words could mean something else in a few years.  “Queer” not only meant “gay” in a pejorative sense, but referred specifically to effeminate behavior.  In fact, the word “gay” became really widespread even in what we now call the gay community only in the 1920s, less than a century ago.  It could be objected that using the word as we do is a crime against the English language, as it means the older usage has almost entirely died out, thus depriving the language of that traditional usage without providing a real substitute, thus making the language poorer.

            “As a matter of fact, I generally use the word “gay” when I’m talking among friends and the like, but I use “homosexual” in a technical, not just clinical, context.  I did not write the post on the website, but I don’t object to it, because Dr. Harris will be speaking from a scientific, technical perspective.  Actually, I don’t much care what people call me.  I’m much more concerned about the tone of voice and the context in which something is said.  That tells me whether the speaker is hostile or friendly or just interested.  And you can’t put that in a definition,” he added.

            President Woodson turned to Professor Westover.  “It’s sort of your field, Dr. Westover.  Is Bryce correct?”

            Professor Westover answered, “Yes, essentially he is, historically speaking.”  But he did not look happy to have made that concession.

            The meeting broke up shortly thereafter, with the Executive Committee making no decision, which meant that the website remained as it was.

            Bryce felt wrung out by the bickering which absorbed the past hour.  He was very grateful to see Damon with his solid practicality waiting for him to have lunch.  The two settled at a table in the basement food court area.  In the din, no one would overhear them unless especially trying anyway, so Bryce related the gist of the meeting to his boyfriend.

            Then, a parallel situation occurred to him.  “That reminds me, Damon, do you call yourself Negro, black, a colored person, a person of color, Afro-American, or African American?”

            Damon looked at his boyfriend for a moment, wondering where this came from.  “Actually, I call myself Damon,” he said.  As far as I know, all my ancestors came from Africa, although, given the statistics, I probably have something else in there somewhere.  But I’m not an African, I’m an American, just as much as you are.”

            Bryce laughed.  “Thank God for someone with common sense.  I told you that you were at least as smart as I am,” he whooped, and kissed his boyfriend despite the crowded food court.