Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 23 - Ash Wednesday

            On Monday things got back to normal – sort of.  The day began for Bryce with his usual workout at the fitness center, where again he met Curtis Manning.  He apologized for not being more help with the party on Friday, but Curtis dismissed that, knowing Bryce’s schedule, and even more knowing that Bryce would not simply goof off when there was work to be done.  He complimented Bryce for staying behind to clean up, but Bryce deflected this praise, saying it belonged to Damon, who helped both before and after the party.

            After his workout and breakfast with Damon, Bryce attended his French Literature class.  By this time, they were considering the work of Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880), whose masterpiece was considered to be the novel Madame Bovary, published in 1856.  It was a lengthy work, so the class was not expected to read the entire novel.  Mid nineteenth century works tended to be lengthy, like Thackery in English.  Even so, the chapters read, plus the summary delivered by Professor Anjot, were enough to convince Bryce and most of the others in the class that Emma Bovary was a selfish and superficial person, always seeking emotional thrills, and herself as boring as the husbands and lovers she incessantly complained about.  Bryce decided that the only attractive character in the novel was the stable boy, who lost a leg to Charles Bovary’s incompetence as a physician, and who cursed the doctor every time he passed the house.

            In English the next period, Dr. Etheridge handed back the exams taken the previous Friday, but said it would be a few more days before he was prepared to respond to the draft term papers stacked on his desk.  As he expected, Bryce did quite well, as did most of those in the study group.  Maddy Moore asked how he did, and he modestly replied, “Okay.”  But she demanded to see his exam paper to compare with hers, and noticed an A+ at the top, whereas she only received an A.  After class, they compared exams, and discovered that the apparent difference was the amount of supporting information Bryce included in his answers, compared to the same answers, but with less supporting material, on Maddy’s exams.

            “Don’t tell Curtis.  He’ll hate me for getting a better grade than his goddess,” Bryce joked.

            “Don’t be silly.  Curtis thinks very highly of you, especially after you organized that commendation from all the pledges,” Maddy replied.

            “He deserved it.  We all agreed,” Bryce stated.

            During the hour between his English class and meeting Damon for lunch, Bryce reviewed his notes from his History class, as that exam would be at 2:00.  Shortly after noon, he met Damon, and the two made their way to Rebecca Ruth Hall, where they encountered Caroline Koehler.  Caroline complemented Damon on his dancing at the party Friday evening, which he gallantly attributed to Kitty’s abilities.  They enjoyed a fine lunch, and were rewarded by Caroline with a few Bourbon balls for dessert.  Then it was Biology for both lads, followed by the History examination for Bryce.  He did not feel he was as well prepared as he might have been, but fortunately the questions asked were on material which he had studied especially carefully.  He wrote three essays, on the Jacobite movement, on Walpole, and on the condition of the established church and the beginning of the evangelical movement with the Wesley brothers, a topic which touched on his own term paper topic for this class.  Rather than at this exam, Dr. Dickinson specified that draft term papers should be turned in the class before the spring break, for which Bryce was very grateful.

            Mentally exhausted but much relieved, by 3:00 Bryce was ready to relax.  He met Damon, and the two made their way to the Sigma Alpha Tau house, where they obtained a couple of beers and simply sat and talked for some time, enjoying some down time after a fairly hectic past few days.  Among other things, they reviewed the politics of the fraternity, and the mysterious activities of Harry Dwyer and Cory Blaine, which were undoubtedly directed at denying Curtis the presidency, although they could not figure out exactly what they were up to.  As they were leaving, heading out for dinner at their favorite local family restaurant, Damon nudged Bryce, and nodded towards two figures evidently in intense conversation.  It was Harry and Cory, about whom they had been talking, and once again Bryce wondered what they were up to.  He had no doubt that they were still attempting to prevent Curtis from being elected as president of the fraternity, but he had no idea what specific nastiness they were plotting.  He would have to warn Curtis once again the next time they met.

            At the restaurant, Damon commented on Bryce’s order of pork chops.  “Well,” Bryce responded, “if I’m going to be giving up meat for Lent, except of Sundays, I think I need to put away as much as I can today and tomorrow.  The pork chops, as I recall, are the largest servings this restaurant provides.”

            Damon laughed.  “You have a weird way of looking at things.”

            “I don’t think so,” Bryce replied.  “I take my religious obligations seriously, but I’m no Manichee.  I fully intend to enjoy the good things of this life, as far as they do not conflict with my hopes for the next.  In that way, I consider myself a moderate, neither completely worldly nor out in left field about spirituality either.  I’ve never been much of a fan of the desert fathers, and extreme asceticism.  St. John the Baptist is not one of my role models.”

            “I guess you think I’m a hopeless case as far as religion is concerned,” Damon probed.

            “Let’s say we’re both works in progress,” Bryce replied.

            Next morning, when Bryce encountered Curtis in the gym, he passed on his concerns about Harry and Cory.  Curtis acknowledged the situation.

            “You could not attend the business meetings last semester, while you were a pledge, but Cory made it very clear during several of them that he very much opposed the way I was handling my responsibilities as Pledge Master.  I’m not surprised that he does not want me as President.”

            “After we talked last week,” Bryce said, “I asked around.  Cory is pissed because of the way you treated me and Damon, isn’t he?”

            Curtis hesitated, then, like Keith Hamilton before him, decided Bryce could handle the truth.  “That’s a good part of it, but not all.  Cory is about as homophobic as anyone I’ve ever encountered, but he’s anti-black and anti-Catholic as well.  He dislikes you as both gay and Catholic, and he dislikes Damon as gay and black.  He’d make a good recruit for the Ku Klux Klan, or, a bit earlier, the Know Nothings.  He’d like to go back to the way things were several generations ago.  Last semester, during one of the meetings, he came up with some by-laws from 1923.  Seems he’d been rummaging through the archives.  Anyway, at that time the criteria for membership included being white and Protestant.  Nothing was mentioned specifically about not being gay, but there was a clause about being morally upright, which Cory stated excluded gays.  Well, he didn’t say ‘gay,’ but used a less acceptable term.  But his researches in the archives were not thorough enough.  The next meeting, I quoted from later minutes where the religious and racial qualifications were withdrawn.  He still maintains, however, that the moral clause excludes homosexuals, just like it does for the Boy Scouts.”

            “That Boy Scout thing is on-going, but it is the same thing,” Bryce commented.  “Boy Scouts are to be ‘morally straight.’  It’s part of the oath.  But a lot of us do not consider being gay as being immoral, and ‘straight’ in this context has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  I thoroughly enjoyed scouting and learned a lot from it, and I’m sure not the only guy who did a little comparison looking in the johns, or even a little mutual jerk off on occasion during camp outs.  Most of the guys I know about turned out to be straight, but I did no more than they did.  It’s all a matter of interpretation, like so many things affecting the status of us gays.”

            “I don’t know exactly what Harry’s beef is.  I suspect he’s no more than a front man for Cory, with very little independent thought of his own, one way or another,” Curtis added.

            “I agree.  Basically, we need to keep an eye on Cory.  You know I’ll do whatever it takes.  I owe you big time, Curtis,” Bryce declared.

            “Friends,” Curtis proposed, and held out his hand, palm up.

            Bryce slapped his palm.  “Friends.”

            That evening, after a blessedly uneventful day, Bryce and Damon had dinner at El Rincon Latino, expecting it to be their last time before Easter.  Mike appeared as their waiter, and questioned the rumors he was hearing about Bryce not patronizing the restaurant.

            “Only until Lent is over, Miguel,” Bryce informed him.  “I’m off meat for Lent, except on Sundays, and you guys don’t work on Sundays.”

            “Let me get you a menu which is officially going into effect tomorrow,” Mike informed them.  A few minutes later, he returned, showing the guys a Lenten menu, which featured sea food and other meatless meals.

            “Okay!  That’s great!” Bryce exclaimed.  “I was not looking forward to weeks and weeks with no Rincon Latino.  And just what are you doing for Lent?”

            “I’m giving up alcohol, and ....” he paused and blushed.

            “Out with it!” Bryce demanded.

            “Dave and I are cutting back on the sex to once a week,” Mike mumbled, blushing furiously.

            Bryce gave Damon an “ah ha!” look, then asked, “How’s Dave with that?”

            “Actually, it was his idea.  He’s really interested in some of our Catholic customs, and his talks with you have impressed him.  He’s struggling with some of it, but he’s definitely interested,” Mike reported.

            Bryce gave his order, which contained as much beef as possible.

            “You think I over-reacted?” Damon quietly asked.

            “Your call,” Bryce responded.  “I’m okay with the present arrangement.”

            That evening, like the previous one, Bryce and Damon engaged in loving exchanges, during which each took some gift from the other into themselves.

            Ash Wednesday began like any other day, with a workout in the gym and talk with Curtis.  But it diverged immediately, as Bryce was fasting.  Although the American bishops had some involved formula for how much one could eat and still be considered fasting, Bryce would have nothing to do with that.  As far as he was concerned, fasting meant no food, so he ate nothing from midnight to midnight.  Only water was allowed.  For an eighteen year old, that was a real act of sacrifice, and especially for someone who liked his food as much as Bryce.  When he got out of his English class at 11:00, he walked back to the dorm and got into his car, driving to St. Boniface, where he spent most of the next few minutes in silent prayer, asking God to guide him, and give him some indication that he was headed in the right direction.  About twenty minutes before noon, Father Kelley emerged, vested in cope and stole.  Father Kelly was the retired “priest in residence” at St. Boniface whom Bryce had encountered several times in the past when he attended a noon Mass.  With three acolytes, one with the processional cross and two with candles, he began the Stations of the Cross.

            According to tradition, the devotion known as the Stations of the Cross was developed by St. Francis of Assisi in the thirteenth century.  These are a series of fourteen prayers and meditations about the passion of the Christ, beginning with his condemnation by Pontius Pilate and ending with his body being placed in the tomb.  Although this devotion could be recited at any time, it was especially common during Lent.  Most Catholic churches had on their walls a series of stations, usually in bas relief, depicting the various events traditionally associated with that fateful Friday.  Some, like the condemnation by Pilate and the actual crucifixion, were based in Scripture, but others, like Christ falling three times, or his meeting with St. Veronica, were based on traditional accounts.  This was the inspiration for Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, the movie produced in 2004 which exhibited the ignorance and biases of most commentators and reviewers.

            Bryce followed the fourteen stations, reciting the prayers and the recurring response, “We praise thee, Oh Christ, and we adore three, because by thy holy cross thou hast redeemed the world.”

            Then, after a brief interval, Father Kelley reappeared and began the Mass.  Bryce was especially moved by the reading from the Prophet Joel, Chapter 2, verses 12-18.

            Now therefore saith the Lord: Be converted to me with all your heart

            in fasting and in weeping and in mourning.  And rend your hearts, not your

            garments, and turn to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful,

            patient and rich in mercy, and ready to forgive the evil you do.  Who knoweth

            but he will return and forgive, and leave a blessing behind him, sacrifice

            and libation to the Lord your God?

            Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly, gather

            together the people, sanctify the church, assemble the elders, gather together

            the little ones, and them that suck at the breasts; let the bridegroom leave his

            bed, and the bride go forth from her chamber.  Between the porch and the

            altar the priests, the Lord’s ministers, shall weep and shall say: Spare, O Lord,

            spare thy people, and give not up thy inheritance to reproach, that the unbelievers

            should rule over them.  Why should they say among the nations: Where is their

            God?

            In the second reading, taken from the Second Epistle of St. Paul to the Corinthians, Bryce heard the Apostle cite Isaiah, “In an acceptable time I have heard thee, and in the day of salvation I have helped thee.”  He then comments, “Behold, now is the acceptable time: Behold, now is the day of salvation.”

            The Gospel reading was taken from the beginning of the sixth chapter of St. Matthew: “Take heed not to do your good works before men, in order to be seen by them; otherwise you shall have no reward from your father in heaven. ... When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, who disfigure their faces in order to appear to men to be fasting.  Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.  But thou, when thou dost fast, anoint thy head and wash thy face, so that thou mayest not be seen to be fasting by men, but by thy father who is in secret, and thy father who sees in secret will reward thee.”

            These readings, and especially the last, caused Bryce to do some self-examination.  Had he been entirely too public with his Lenten devotions?  Was he like the Pharisees of old, whom Jesus called hypocrites?

            He did not have long to reflect on this theme, however, because, after a brief and pointed sermon from Father Kelley, came the distribution of ashes.  The ashes were obtained by burning the reeds from last year’s Palm Sunday, and mixing them with a little water to allow the priest, and in this case also Deacon Jeffers, who appeared at this point in the service, to use them to smear a rough cross on the forehead of the assembled penitents.  As he stood before the Deacon, Bryce felt the other’s thumb on his forehead, and hear the words, “Remember, Man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return.”

            Returning to his seat, Bryce meditated on the message he had received.  This life was passing.  We will all die some day.  The life beyond is eternal, undying, unending.  This life is a trial period, to determine where we will spend that eternal life after death, whether in ineffable bliss or unspeakable torment.  He began to ponder whether he was good enough to spend eternity in the presence of God.  He sure did not feel ready for that.  Then he remembered the Catholic teaching about purgatory.  Most of us humans are not prepared to actually meet God at the moment of our death, but most of us are also not evil enough to be condemned to eternal punishment.  Purgatory, the place Jesus went when it says in the Apostles Creed, “he descended into hell,” the place in Jesus’ parable called Abraham’s bosom, is temporary, not eternal.  It is a kind of vestibule, a preparation room, before we enter into heaven, and everyone in purgatory will eventually enter into heaven.  Bryce recalled his reading of Dante’s Divine Comedy, in which the Purgatorio is the second of the three parts.  There, purgatory is imagined as a series of ledges leading from earth to heaven, on which we make up for past sins and prepare for eternal bliss.  More recently, there was C. S. Lewis’s work called The Great Divorce, first published in 1946.  Bryce found purgatory a very encouraging and optimistic doctrine.

            By the time he completed his meditations following receiving ashes, it was almost time to process up again to receive communion.  Bryce followed others in a line to the front, where, with a bow and outstretched hands, he was offered “The Body of Christ” by the Deacon.  He replied, “Amen,” which he knew meant, “I agree.”  He took the consecrated host into his mouth, allowed it to dissolve, and swallowed.  He then received a sip from the chalice after responding in the same manner to the statement “The Blood of Christ.”  Returning to his pew, Bryce knelt and covered his eyes to avoid all distraction.

            He prayed, Thank you, Lord, for coming to me – for coming into me.  I know I am not worthy, but, as your priest prayed, ‘regard not my sins but the faith of your Church.’  Lord, I know I’m being a pest, but I really would appreciate some kind of sign from you.  Am I right in accepting the theology I’ve developed regarding my sexual orientation? ... or am I just fooling myself, convincing myself of how I want things to be?  Am I justified in the love I bear for Damon – no, cancel that.  I know that you approve of love.  Let me rephrase that.  Am I justified in the sexual expression of the love I bear for Damon?  I love him dearly, Lord.  I believe you sent him to me.  But I don’t want to delude myself.  Please let me know.  And, Lord, Mike said David is growing closer to you.  Help him along the way.  Enlighten him, and let him know what you want, too.  As always, Lord, I beg your mercy for my family, even for Chip.  No, back up.  That was uncharitable.  Bless all my family.  Bless my friends.  Have mercy on those who have been good to me.  Lord, you know you have entrusted your Church to us sinful humans.  We often screw up.  Please send a special blessing on those who have been hurt by those who represent your Church on earth.  Comfort them.  And bless those who do not believe, and draw them to you.

            Having completed his prayers after communion, Bryce continued kneeling, hoping for some response.  Sometimes he believed God answered him, sometimes not.  The last person was returning to the pews.  Bryce began to settle back, sitting rather than kneeling now.  He had just about given up hoping for a definite response  Then, he felt very strongly a response within him.  Judge not, that you be not judged.  You are too quick to pass judgment, Bryce.  Leave that to me.  Only I know all that transpires in the hearts of you humans.  I have come to you and am now in you.  You and I jointly inhabit this body called Bryce for the next few moments.  You and Damon likewise share each other.  Some of him came into you when you expressed your love for him yesterday evening, and some of you is now part him.  You are my agent to him, and he is my agent to you.  Love him as I love you.

            Bryce did not realize it, but he was entirely abstracted from what was happening around him.  He had no knowledge of the final moments of the Mass.  He sat, immobile, as he absorbed the message given him.  Others began to leave the church.  A few of them looked at him, wondering at his expression and his lack of movement.  Bryce was just coming back to the time and place he was located, when Father Kelley came down the aisle and paused beside his pew.

            “Are you all right?” the priest asked.

            “Yes, Father.  I just ...  I was just listening to God,” Bryce replied.

            “Good.  Listen well.  Don’t fill every minute with talking.  Prayer is not supposed to be a one way street,” Father Kelley advised, and then passed on.

            Bryce remained in his place for a few more minutes.  I asked for a sign, an answer, and you gave me one.  Thank you.

            Looking at his watch, he noted that he was already late for his Biology class.  He had been totally absorbed in his meditations longer than he realized.  Damon must be wondering what happened to him.  He drove back to campus, but did not enter the classroom where Dr. Harris was holding forth.  He waited in the corridor for Damon.  Several people passed him while he waited, and two paused to tell him he had a smudge on his forehead.  He smiled and thanked them.

            At 2:00 the class let out, and a moment later Damon emerged.  Seeing Bryce, he went up to him.  “You’re late.”

            “I know.  I hope you took good notes.”

            “What makes you think I’ll share my notes with you?” Damon teased.

            “Because you love me,” Bryce responded, and hugged his partner.  He did not want to create problems, for Damon or anyone else, by too blatant a display of affection in public, but he had to make physical contact.

            “I do,” Damon assured him, “but I don’t remember anything in the contract about sharing Biology notes,” he continued to tease.

            Bryce could contain himself no longer.  He pushed Damon into an alcove, and kissed him passionately.  “I love you.  Later, I’ve got something to share with you.”  Looking at his watch, though, Bryce sighed, “But now, I have another class.  See you back at the dorm.”