Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 17 - Crisis

            In the days following Father Fenwick’s sermon on rejoicing, Bryce felt pretty good, and the world seemed to be going along in an acceptable manner, with one big exception.  As far as the positive events were concerned, classes went well, Marc was not a significant problem in either French or History.  Research on the various term papers was coming along fairly acceptably, with no obvious snags.  The fraternity likewise seemed in a period of tranquility, so the meetings on the next couple of Tuesdays went off without a hitch.  The main item of business at those meetings was preparing for the next big party, which would be a combination Valentine’s and Mardi Gras party on Friday, February 12.  Ever concerned for accuracy, Bryce could not refrain from pointing out that it should be St. Valentine, and the proper date was February 14.  Also, mardi gras is Cajun French for “fat Tuesday,” the day before Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, not a Friday.  In Europe, most people have some such festival, which is most often called simply “carnival.”  Yes, like the one in Rio de Janeiro.  His fraternity brothers heard him out, and then ignored him.

            The big exception was Damon, or rather Bryce’s worry about how Damon would react to the arrival of Lent.  Except for his junior year in high school, when everything was a mess, from the time he reached puberty it had been the practice for Bryce to abstain from all sex during the six weeks of Lent.  He was pretty certain Damon would not appreciate that.  Damon’s birthday was also coming up, just a few days prior to the beginning of Lent, and the juxtaposition of the two seemed particularly inappropriate.  Under other circumstances, Bryce had pondered the absolute appropriateness of Damon being born on February 14, the Feast of St. Valentine, the patron of lovers.  But with the realization that Lent began only three days later, and apprehension about how Damon would react to Bryce’s usual practice of self-denial, it now was a cause of additional tension.  And Ash Wednesday was only three weeks away.

            Bryce had given considerable attention to a proper gift for Damon’s birthday.  For Christmas, among other things, he had obtained from the African Ancestry people in Washington, D.C. a certificate stating that DNA testing proved that Damon Antwon Watson was descended in the direct male line from the Bambara speaking people of West Africa.  As Damon was uncertain about the identity of his father, this had little practical significance as far as family relations was concerned, but it did provide some anchor, as it were, a starting place for Damon to research his ancestors in America, with an ending place in Africa.  Bryce thought about that, and Damon’s pleasure in that gift, and decided to do something along similar lines.  That decision was made even before arriving back in Clifton from the Christmas break, so Bryce was able to receive his package from Bamako, in the Republic of Mali, before Damon’s birthday.  He picked it up at the campus post office, and secreted it in the trunk of his car, as Damon was in his room too often for anything there to remain hidden even for a few days.

            Steeling himself, on Sunday, January 31, after returning from the soup kitchen, over a beer at Pat’s, Bryce determined to broach the matter of Lent.

            “Damon, there’s something I need to discuss with you.”

            “I knew there was something on your mind.  What is it this time, another mistranslation of some holiday?” Damon joked.

            “No, this concerns us.  Well, it concerns me, but since we’re a couple, it concerns both of us,” Bryce began.

            “That does not sound good.  I thought things were going along pretty well.  I cooperated on your Psychology project like a good Guinea pig.  What now?” Damon asked, with some concern.

            “It’s not you, it’s me.  Or, rather it’s Lent,” Bryce ineffectually tried to explain.

            “Lent?  I don’t understand.  That’s something religious, isn’t it?  You’re always blind-siding me with these religious things,” Damon complained.

            “Sorry.  I don’t mean to sneak up on you.  It’s just that most of these things have been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and I don’t think they’re anything deserving of comment until you or someone else questions me,” Bryce defended himself.

            Damon gave a big sigh.  “Okay, so what is this Lent thing?”

            “Well, you know the biggest celebration in the Church year is Easter, which is always on a Sunday.  The week before Easter is called Holy Week.  Surely among your Spanish speaking associates you heard of semana santa.”

            “Maybe, but I still don’t know where any of this is going,” Damon cautiously replied.

            “The Friday of Holy Week is called Good Friday.  That might seem odd, because it’s the Friday on which we remember the crucifixion and death of Jesus.  But it’s a “good” Friday because we believe that through his passion and death, Jesus provided the means for us humans to get to heaven and enjoy eternal bliss with God.  So, this entire week, from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, is a special time for us Catholics, and a lot of other Christians as well.  Are you with me so far?” Bryce checked in.

            “Sort of.  I mean, I get it that this week you’re talking about is special, but I don’t know what that has to do with Lent, or what any of this has to do with me,” Damon objected.

            “According to the Gospels, before he began his public ministry, Jesus withdrew into an isolated place and fasted for forty days.  So, the Church for centuries has observed the forty days prior to Easter as a special time of fasting and self-discipline, getting us prepared for the celebration of Easter.  That period is called Lent, and it begins on Ash Wednesday.  This year, Ash Wednesday falls on February 17,” Bryce explained.

            “Okay, so you’re going to be fasting or something starting on Ash Wednesday.  I guess that means cutting out going out to restaurants.  I can deal with that,” Damon replied, thinking that was the end of it.

            “There’s more.  The idea of fasting is part of a bigger concept.  The whole concept is that we practice various forms of self-discipline as a means of focusing on what really matters, namely our relationship with God.  Self-discipline involves sacrifice.  For some people, it means cutting back on food and drink.  When I was a child, I would give up sweets for Lent.  It’s a normal human reaction to offer some gift to God.  All the ancient religions involved sacrifice of some sort or another.  The ancient Jews sacrificed animals in the temple in Jerusalem, and the ancient Romans did pretty much the same thing in a whole variety of temples, since they had a whole variety of gods.  Some people went too far with this idea of offering something valuable to the gods.  The Canaanites and related peoples, like the Phoenicians and Carthaginians, in times of great danger, even engaged in human sacrifice, offering babies to their gods.  This is attested not only in the Bible, but in some Roman sources as well, and in archaeology.”

            “Now you’ve lost me,” Damon complained.  “I don’t see what sacrificing babies has to do with you and me.”

            “Well, I guess I did get a little carried away with background there.  The point I was trying to make is that it seems natural to humans to offer something which is important to them to God as a sacrifice,” Bryce summarized.

            “Yeah, and ...?” Damon urged him on.

            “Well, ever since I reached puberty, during Lent my sacrifice has been to abstain from all sex,” Bryce finally got to the point.

            Damon just sat there for several minutes, letting this sink in.  Slowly, he articulated his understanding.  “Do I understand this right?  You’re telling me that for ... what was it? ... six weeks? ... you’re cutting me out as far as sex is concerned?  Is that what this whole rigamarole about Lent and child sacrifice is about?”

            “Uh, yeah.  But don’t you see ...”

            “No!  No, I don’t see.  I don’t see where you get off making decisions that affect me like this without even consulting me ahead of time.  Did it happen to occur to you that I might not want to go without sex for six weeks?”  Damon was obviously angry.

            “I knew you wouldn’t like it, but ...”

            “But shit!  No!  I don’t agree.  I think you’d better think again.  You and your damn Church are going to ruin this relationship, Bryce.  Fuck you!”

            With that, Damon got up and stalked out of the tavern.  Bryce was greatly upset.  This had gone even worse than he feared.  He sat for a while longer, downing several beers, but eventually picked himself up and made his way back to the dorm.  When he got there, and tried to talk to Damon, he found the door between their common bathroom and Damon’s room locked for the first time ever.  He tried rousing Damon on his cell phone, but received the message that Damon’s cell was not receiving.  He was clearly royally pissed.

            The next morning, Bryce arose as usual and went to work out at the fitness center.  He tried talking to Curtis, but Curtis was not concerned about Lent, and did not see the problem.  Why not accommodate Damon?  God won’t care.  If it’s not wrong to have sex with Damon the rest of the year, why is it wrong during Lent?  Well, it’s not exactly wrong, but ...  No, Curtis did not understand.  Bryce wondered how he would go about rousing Damon for his first class with the door locked, but when he got back to his room, he not only found the door unlocked, but Damon was gone.  Deeply disturbed, Bryce got ready for his French class.

            By this time, the class was focused on Victor Hugo (1802-1885).  In the United States, Hugo is primarily known as a novelist, especially for The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1831) and Les Misérables (1862), however in France he is also well known, perhaps primarily known, as a poet.  Poetry is notoriously difficult to translate, of course, so we concentrate on the easier vehicle of prose.  Bryce was unable to get interested in Hugo’s spiritualism after a séance at the home of Delphine de Girardin in 1853.  The poem “Demain, dès l’aube” left him unmoved.  The line je sais que tu m’attends addressed to the poet’s dead daughter Leopoldine seemed merely words.  He was not able to take an active part in class discussion, so even Marc Rimbault asked whether he were okay.  The clash with Damon left Bryce emotionally numb.

            Things did not get better during English.  Samuel Johnson seemed totally irrelevant that morning.  When eleven o’clock came, and Bryce intended to go to the library to work on his various projects, he found himself entirely devoid of energy and interest.  He retreated to the University Center, got a coke, and just sat.  An hour later, the coke was still barely tasted, and Bryce’s mind was as devoid of useful ideas as before.  He hoped Damon would appear for lunch, and he watched the entrance carefully.  When noon came and went with no Damon, Bryce thought maybe he was in the food court below, so he made trip after trip between the two levels, to no avail.  Damon simply had not come to the University Center for lunch.  Then perhaps he was at Rebecca Ruth Hall.  Bryce ran, as time was running out, and arrived in time to question Caroline Koehler.

            “Did Damon come here for lunch today?” he demanded.

            “Yes, he was here, with another guy, a black man.  I asked where you were, and he said the oddest thing.  He said you were caught up in your own world,” Caroline responded.

            “Where is he then?  I don’t see him,” Bryce asked.

            “Oh, they left about fifteen minutes ago,” Caroline informed him.

            Bryce left, running again, headed for Audubon Hall and the Biology class he shared with Damon.  He arrived just before Dr. Harris entered the room to begin class, but Damon was not in his usual place.  Instead, DuBois Kennedy was there.  He gave Bryce a peculiar look, but took notes assiduously throughout the lecture.  When class was over, DuBois said to Bryce, “I don’t know what’s going on between you guys, but Damon asked me to take notes for him today.  He said he was going underground until you decided what you really want, him or Lent.  Who’s Lent?  Are you cheating on Damon?”

            “No!  Absolutely not!  Lent’s not a person.  It’s ...  Oh, shit!  Never mind.  If you see Damon before I do, tell him I love him,” Bryce cried.

            DuBois gave him a questioning look, but took off.  Bryce had to get to his History class.  Once there, he was not at all sure why he came.  He could not concentrate.  When Dr. Dickinson called on him to respond to a simple question, he was unable to do so.  When class was over, Marc again asked Bryce whether he were okay, as he had that morning.  Bryce mumbled something, and stumbled away.  He did not want to talk to anyone except Damon, and Damon was not available.

            Back in the dorm, Bryce once again found the door to Damon’s room locked.  Whether he was there or not, Bryce could not make out.  There was very definitely no response to his knocking or calling.  Thinking of DuBois, Bryce then went over to the Sigma Alpha Tau house, but found neither Damon nor DuBois.  He encountered Keith Hamilton, who had been his mentor last semester, and asked whether either had been there.

            “Yes, I saw them both just a few moments ago, but they were heading out.  I have no idea where they’re going,” Keith replied.

            Again, Bryce had missed Damon by minutes.  Despondent, he returned to his dorm room.  Sitting down at his computer, he accessed his e-mail, hoping Damon had sent him a message.  No, there was no message from Damon.  Other than the usual spam, the only significant message was from David Simpson.  David had run across some passages in the letters of St. Paul which he found disturbing, and wanted to discuss them with Bryce.  He cited Romans 1:18-32, First Corinthians 6:9, and Timothy 1:10.  Bryce looked at the e-mail without comprehension.  He certainly was in no condition to engage in theological discussions with David.  He signed off, then back on again, and tried e-mailing Damon.  Then he tried e-mailing DuBois.  He tried Damon’s cell again, then DuBois,’ without result.

            Bryce did not go out to dinner.  He was afraid of missing Damon when he came in, and besides, he did not feel like eating.  About 7:00, he realized that, if Damon did return, he had nothing new to say to him.  He had been so focused on finding Damon, speaking to him, telling him he loved him, that he had not given thought to the cause of their argument.  What should he do about Lent?

            As he often did when faced with hard decisions, Bryce attempted to clear his mind, and talk to God.  What should I do, God?  You know I love Damon.  You know I love you.  I cannot choose between you.  Please, let me know what to do.  Bryce waited, but nothing came to him.  Had God also abandoned him?  As he did on a number of previous occasions when he felt confused and abandoned, he picked up his New Testament.  By chance, he opened to the beginning of the fourteenth chapter of St. Paul’s Epistle to the Romans.  There, he read:

            But him who is weak in faith, receive without disputes about opinions.  For one believes that he may eat all things; but he who is weak, let him eat vegetables.  Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats, for God has received him.  Who art thou to judge another’s servant?  To his own lord he stands or falls; but he will stand, for God is able to make him stand.  For one esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike.  Let everyone be convinced in his own mind.  He who regards the day, regards it for the Lord; and he who eats, eats for the Lord, for he gives thanks to God.  And he who does not eat, abstains for the Lord, and gives thanks to God. ...  But thou, why dost thou judge thy brother?  Or thou, why dost thou despise thy brother?  For we shall all stand at the judgement seat of God; ...  Therefore every one of us will render an account of himself to God.  Therefore let us no longer judge one another, but rather judge this, that thou shouldst not put a stumbling block or a hindrance in thy brother’s way.  I know and am confident in the Lord Jesus that nothing is of itself unclean; but to him who regards anything as unclean, to him it is unclean.  If, then, thy brother is grieved because of thy food, no longer dost thou walk according to charity. ...  Thou hast faith.  Keep it to thyself before God.  Blessed is he who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ...  Now we, the strong, ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not please ourselves.  Let every one of you please his neighbor by doing good, for his edification; ...  May then the God of patience and of comfort grant you to be of one mind towards one another according to Jesus Christ; that, one in spirit, you may with one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

            Bryce closed his text.  What was God trying to tell him in this passage?  It seemed that the message was that Bryce should be more flexible towards Damon, but how to apply that to the present situation?  There seemed to be a blockage, a dam holding back any insight.  After considering this matter for some time, Bryce decided that he needed help in resolving his problems.  He therefore called the Newman Center, and asked to speak to Father Miller.  However, the student receptionist said Father was in the midst of a discussion session with about two dozen students, and would not be available for over an hour.  After that, it would be late, the receptionist protectively suggested.  Bryce asked whether he could schedule some time with the chaplain tomorrow, and gave the receptionist his schedule.  Yes, Father was free tomorrow at 4:00.  That seemed a long way off, but Bryce had no better idea, so he agreed to that time.

            He still hoped that he could talk to Damon, but he never heard Damon come in that evening.  Perhaps he never came.  Bryce tossed and turned, uneasy and confused, unable to get to sleep, but he never heard a thing from the next room.

            The next morning, Bryce skipped his usual workout at the gym.  He simply did not feel like getting up, and he did not feel like meeting Curtis.  There was still no sound from the next room.  Damon must have spent the night elsewhere.  Was he perhaps with another guy?  Did he give up on their relationship because of Bryce’s admittedly personal interpretation of Lent?  Had Bryce ruined their relationship, as Damon said?  Tormented by these thoughts, Bryce buried himself in his covers, and skipped his Psychology class as well.

            As morning threatened to come to a close, Bryce forced himself to rise, shave, shower, and get dressed.  His stomach was protesting loudly his long absence from food.  The University Center seemed unbearable after his frantic vigil yesterday, so he went to Rebecca Ruth Hall.  There, he met Caroline Koehler again.

            “You look terrible, Bryce,” she greeted him.

            “Have you seen Damon?” he asked.

            “Not since yesterday.  Are you two having problems?”

            “Uh, yeah,” was all he could say.

            “Well patch it up.  You obviously belong together.  Don’t be too stubborn to admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t,” she advised.

            Caroline then fed Bryce, but he ate without enjoying his meal, fulfilling the demands of his stomach, but none of it registering elsewhere.  Caroline tried talking to him, but again he was distracted and inarticulate.  Following this unsatisfactory lunch, they made their way to the gym where their karate class met.  Caroline tried to snap him out of his cloud of unknowing, but again was unsuccessful.  After a short time, Ms. Cheng, the instructor, came along and told Bryce to sit this one out.  She did not want him getting hurt unintentionally because of his inattention.  Bryce sat on the sidelines in a fog until the class was over.

            Again, he hoped to see Damon as he came for his swimming class, and waited around until several minutes after that class began, but did not encounter Damon.  He went in to look over the pool, and found Damon there, engaged in his class.  He must have come early, while Bryce was still sitting numbly in the karate gym.  Bryce was tempted to hail Damon, but doubted he would get a response.  Besides, he had his appointment with Father Miller in a few minutes.

            With heavy step, Bryce made his way from the fitness center to the Newman Center.  As he entered, he noticed that his old friend, Patricia Murphy, was at the reception desk.  He made his way up to the desk, and said in a lifeless voice, “Hi, Patricia.  I have an appointment with Father.”

            “Good Lord, Bryce!  I saw your name on the appointment book, and was looking forward to seeing you again, but you look terrible.”

            “I’ve had a rough two days,” Bryce told her.

            ‘From the looks of you, it could have been two years,” she replied.  “I hope you get yourself straightened out.  You were always so pleasant to talk to before.”

            “Believe me, I hope so, too,” Bryce assured her.

            The door to the office opened, and Father Miller followed another student out.  He saw Bryce, and did a double take, shook his head, then took leave of the other student.  He came over to where Bryce was standing by the reception desk.

            “I think we’d better skip the preliminaries and get down to exactly what’s bothering you,” the priest said.  “Come on in.”

            Once inside, Bryce felt that, somehow, here his problem would be resolved.  After all, it was in this place where he had worked out his acceptance of his homosexuality and at the same time his continued loyalty to the Church last semester.  He plopped down with a deep sigh.  Father Miller took a seat opposite him, and said, “Let’s begin with a prayer.”  When Bryce nodded acceptance, he said, “Lord, your servant Bryce is troubled.  Let us find peace and comfort in your presence.”  That seemed sufficient.

            Bryce began to describe the entire situation, beginning with his usual observance of Lent, his informing Damon of that, and Damon’s reaction, then his inability to contact Damon for the past two days.  He ended up with his attempt to pray last evening, and his encounter with the passage from Romans.

            Father Miller got out his Bible, and had Bryce read that long selection from Romans again.

            “What is St. Paul telling his readers?  Come on, Bryce.  You have a good mind.  Put it to work if you want a solution to this problem,” the priest admonished him.

            “Uh, well, it seems that in the early Church there were some who wanted to observe the Mosaic dietary rules, and others who did not, and some who observed traditional feast days, and others who did not, and St. Paul is telling them this was not essential to the faith.  They should be charitable to each other, and not insist on doing it one way or the other,” Bryce attempted.

            “Okay.  Do you see any application of this to your present situation?”

            “No.  I tried last evening, but nothing came to me,” Bryce replied.

            “Try again.  Instead of dietary rules, substitute ways of observing Lent,” he was told.

            “Oh!”  Suddenly that blockage gave way, and a flood of understanding flowed over the dam of stubbornness.  “Well, of course, my way is not the only way.  In fact, most people probably do not observe the sexual abstinence I do.  I adopted that a long time ago because it seemed to me that my greatest pleasure came from sex, so it was the most appropriate sacrifice to make to God,” Bryce admitted.

            “Is that the only reason you adopted this particular form of penance?” Father Miller asked.

            “Uh, well, as far as I remember,” Bryce said.

            “Is it just possible that there is a connection between the adoption of this practice, and the problems we discussed last semester?” his interlocutor pressed.

            “Last semester?  Oh, uh ...” Bryce drifted off into silence, but it was a silence of contemplation, not one of distraction.  The floodgates opened wider, and more understanding flowed in.  “Maybe,” he finally admitted.  “I was having trouble accepting my sexuality, and so I could get rid of it for a while, and rack up credit in heaven at the same time,” he added bitterly.

            “Now, don’t be too hard on yourself.  The first purpose you mentioned is still valid, I’m sure.  But, having resolved your sexual identification, could you not be more flexible, as St. Paul suggests, on things which are not essential?”

            “Meaning?”

            “Meaning, there are other ways of observing Lent, as you well know.  You do not have to insist on this way.  Are you not being uncharitable, insisting on your pet observation, while causing Damon a great deal of trouble?” the priest asked.

            “Me cause him trouble!  He’s the one ...”

            “No, he’s not,” Father Miller interrupted.  “Think about it.”

            Bryce glared at him for a minute, then let his eyes fall.  He began to weep.  The final barriers were swept away.  “You’re right.  I’ve been so proud of this method of observing Lent.  It made me feel superior to others who weren’t doing as much.  I let my pride almost ruin my relationship with Damon.  I’ve got to find him and apologize.”

            “Yes, you do.  And then, perhaps the two of you could work out a compromise of some sort?”

            “A compromise?  How?”

            “I think there’s one aspect of Lent you’re ignoring.  Lent reminds us of the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness before beginning his public ministry.  If you count all the days from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday, you get 46 days.  With your usual attention to detail, you should have noticed this.  Subtract the Sundays.  It is the mind of the Church that it is never appropriate to undertake penance on Sunday.  Every Sunday is a little Easter, a commemoration of the resurrection of the Lord.  It should be a time of rejoicing.”

            “So, I have been overdoing it by engaging in penitential practices on Sundays,” Bryce concluded.

            “Among other ways,” his confessor reminded him.  “Go.  Find Damon.  Your relationship is more important than your favorite penitential practice.”

            “I think before I leave, I should confess my pride and lack of charity,” Bryce decided.

            Father Miller got out his stole, and began the rite of forgiveness.

            Consoled, but still apprehensive, Bryce went back to the dorm, but there was still no Damon.  He went to the University Center, and ate, but still did not encounter Damon.

            About quarter after seven, Bryce entered the Sigma Alpha Tau house for the weekly business meeting.  He saw DuBois Kennedy, and went up to him.

            “You probably know where Damon is.  Please tell him I need to speak to him.  I need to apologize.  I need to tell him I love him,” Bryce pled.

            “Tell him yourself,” DuBois said, and turned Bryce around.

            Damon was standing there behind him.  He had been hidden by a protruding section of wall.  Bryce looked at him, and saw that Father Miller was right.  He had caused Damon a great deal of trouble.  With trembling voice, Bryce said, “I’m sorry.  You’re right.  Can you forgive me?”

            Damon immediately broke into a smile.  “Of course.  I love you.”