Bryce

The Second Semester

Chapter 9 - Jason Todd

            After the intense meeting of the GLBT Executive Committee, Bryce was ready for something less emotionally demanding.  He knew he had an appointment with Jason Todd at 1:30, but for lunch he wanted only comfort food.  Fortunately, Damon was in an agreeable mood, so the two piled into Bryce’s Mustang and drove to the nearest Sonic, where they ordered burgers with everything and chocolate shakes.  Sitting in their car, with the heater keeping them warm, the radio on their favorite station, and a good looking waitress in a short skirt bringing them lunch (even if she did shiver a bit), it was like going back in time.  Bryce almost expected the Fonz to come around the corner.  Well, some evenings there was nothing on the tube except those old reruns, and some of them were kind of interesting, or at least memorable.

            But all good things must come to and end.  After about an hour, refreshed and feeling good, the two returned to campus.  As they left the car in the lot, Damon noticed Jason walking towards them from the direction of the Music School.

            “Hi, guys,” Jason greeted them.

            “Hi, Jason, how’s it going?” Bryce responded.

            “You look like you just had a good set,” Damon guessed.

            Jason grinned.  “You’re right.  I spent the last two hours with my combo, and we made beautiful music.  We’re putting on a concert next Saturday, and we will be hot, man.  We really got it together this morning.”

            “That’s great.  I’ll be there, and I’ll make certain my less enlightened boyfriend attends as well,” Damon promised.

            Bryce grinned.  “Damon knows more about jazz than anyone except maybe my dad, but I can tell you’re good, Jason.  He won’t have to drag me to the concert.”

            “Nice to know somebody appreciates us,” Jason smiled.

            “Let’s get inside, where there’s no cold wind taking my breath away,” Bryce suggested.

            That led to a verbal contest between Bryce and Damon as to which had endured the worst winter winds, Bryce on the Great Plains, or Damon in Chicago, which lasted until all three were ensconced in the warmth of Bryce’s room.  Winter outer garments were discarded.  Damon started towards the door into the bathroom which formed the link between his room and Bryce’s, but Jason stopped him.

            “You don’t have to leave, Damon, unless you’ve got something you need to do.  After our last meeting, I thought about it, and decided it was silly of me to be so paranoid.  I’m sure you know I’m trying to sort out my sexual orientation, and how to deal with it, so there’s nothing to hide.  Did Bryce fill you in on what we discussed before?”

            “He was the soul of discretion,” Damon replied.  “All he told me was that he talked more about himself than about you, but he does that all the time anyway.”

            At that, Bryce heaved a pillow at Damon, who, expecting something, ducked expertly.

            Jason laughed.  “You two are something else.  Seriously, I hope some day I can have a partner like you do.”

            “No reason why you can’t,” Bryce assured him.

            Jason looked hopeful.

            “But we did talk mostly about me last week,” Bryce admitted.  “Let’s spend more time on you, Jason.  From what you did say last week, I get the impression you’re worried about how your family will take it if you come out to them, and from what you said about your sister’s family visiting that creationist theme park, I gather you come from a fundamentalist background.”

            “No, not really,” Jason corrected.  “It’s just my sister.  She used to be pretty wild, as I recall, but she’s about ten years older than me, so I may have some things wrong.  Anyway, she attended this ‘campus crusade’ or something with the guy she eventually married, and was saved, she says.  Ever since, she’s tried to save the rest of us, but I’m afraid most of my family are pretty non-religious.”

            “What do you mean by ‘non-religious’?” Bryce asked.

            “Well, we’re not anti-religious.  I don’t remember anybody being upset about saying the Pledge of Allegiance with “under God” in it, or anything like that.  Nobody objects to attending a wedding or funeral or some other event at a church.  We just don’t belong to any church.  We go along, minding our own business, and kind of expect others to do the same,” Jason explained.

            “Do you believe in God?” Bryce asked.

            “I don’t know.  I’ve heard all about her god from my sister and her husband, and I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in her god, but whether there’s some kind of god or not, I really can’t say.  Some days it makes sense, some days it doesn’t, and most days I don’t think about it.”

            “I guess that makes you an agnostic,” Bryce commented.  “Okay, so any objection your family might have to you being gay is not based on religious beliefs, then.”

            “No.  It’s kind of hard to say exactly what it’s based on, but I know it’s there.  Let me give you some more background.  My dad was a career Marine.  He retired after twenty years, but you know what they say: there’s no such thing as an ex-Marine, only Marines who are no longer in service.  He’s now working as a policeman in my home town, Cincinnati.  We come from a long line of military men, going back at least to the Civil War.  My grandfather was killed in Vietnam.  My great-grandfather was in World War II.  His father was in World War I.  My older brother is in the Marines.  I was a great disappointment when I decided to major in music, and not go ROTC.  We were never allowed to cry as children.  Boys don’t cry.  Be a man.  Never run away.  That’s it, pretty much.  It’s a matter of being masculine, being strong, never showing weakness.  Never letting the side down.  It’s what my dad calls the code.  A code of conduct, I guess.”

            “Man, that sounds totally exhausting,” Bryce sympathized.

            Jason grinned.  “You got that right.  I come to campus and plunge into my classes and rehearsals as a relaxation.”

            “And the jazz helps,” Damon commented.

            “Oh yeah!  Big time!  That’s what keeps me sane.  If I am sane,” Jason added with a slight laugh.  “When I was at home during the break, I felt my soul drying up, like soil cracking in a drought, but when I got back, and played some jazz, and listened to my CDs, it was like a spring rain, watering my soul, bringing it back to life.”

            “Why can’t you listen to your music at home?” Bryce asked.

            Jason looked at Damon and blushed.  “Uh, my dad is not the most enlightened person.  He has some hang-ups about ....”

            “Let me guess,” Damon came to the rescue.  “He thinks jazz is black music, ghetto music.”

            “Yeah, except he doesn’t use nice words to describe it,” Jason agreed.  “The only music at home is C & W.”

            “Man, you have got a heavy burden there.  Let me say right now, I never got any hint of prejudice from you at any time.  I know what it’s like overcoming the environment you grew up in, though, and I really appreciate that, Jason,” Damon said.

            Jason stretched out his fist, and he and Damon touched knuckles.

            “I know something about that masculine thing, too.  There’s the stereotype that all gays are effeminate.  Gays are not exactly welcome in the parts of Chicago where I grew up,” Damon added.  “In fact ...”  He paused, and shivered.

            Having a pretty good idea what his boyfriend was remembering, Bryce urged him on.  “Go on.  Tell Jason about what you saw from the fire escape.”

            “Damn, you’re reading my mind,” Damon said.  He paused, collecting his thoughts, and perhaps girding himself emotionally.  Taking a deep breath, he continued, “Okay.  I was about eight at the time.  It was a hot summer night, and we lived in this housing project with no air conditioning.  My window opened onto a fire escape, which led down to the back alley, several stories below.  I was out on the fire escape, trying to get some fresh air.  There was this gay guy who lived a short distance away.  I saw him come into the alley, followed by some other guys who looked pretty tough.  The gay was practically running, but before he got very far, some other guys blocked the other exit from the alley.  There was some scuffling, and some yelling, but the gay guy didn’t stand a chance.  They beat him to a pulp, raped him, and then cut off his balls.”

            “No!” Jason said in horror.

            “Afraid so.  They said he wouldn’t need them, since he was a queer, and only needed his pussy,” Damon reported.

            “His pussy?”

            “His ass,” Damon elucidated.

            “I’ve got to admit, that trumps anything I can come up with.  My dad and most of his friends are pretty prejudiced, but I don’t think they’d ever so anything like that.  How did your family react to all that?” Jason enquired.

            “None of them were involved, but I wouldn’t put something like that past my brother.  He’s about as homophobic and as violent and as dumb as they come,” Damon replied.  “He tried to rape me so many times growing up, I can’t count them, but I’m smarter than he is, and he never succeeded.”

            “Damn!  How do you get on with your family now?” Jason asked.

            “I don’t.  Since I left home last August, I’ve had only one Christmas card from one of my sisters.  That’s it.  Basically, I’m on my own, except for my boyfriend here,” Damon said, giving Bryce a hug.

            “Wow!  Okay, I admit, that’s a lot worse than anything I anticipate.  Still ...”

            “Yeah, I know.  Still, it sucks when you can’t be yourself in front of the people who should be closest to you.  For me, the only solution is to cut and run.  Maybe not for you.  We can still explore that some more,” Damon agreed.

            “Jason, how much do your family keep track of your activities here on campus?” Bryce asked.

            “Not at all, basically.  I mean, if I started flunking courses, my dad would have something to say about it.  He is footing part of the bill, after all.  I tried including stuff about my concerts, and about the fraternity, in my e-mails home, but it was pretty clear they were not interested.  In addition to my mom and dad, and the sister I told you about, and the brother in the Marines, there’s another sister, Cecile.  She’s okay.  Two years older than me.  She graduated last spring from the University of Cincinnati, and is teaching in an elementary school at home.  If anyone will accept me, it’ll be Cecile.  She’s the only other one who shows any interest in what I’m doing,” Jason reported.

            “In that case, would it create any problem for you to come out to the SAT brothers?  I know that won’t solve anything at home, but at least you might feel better here on campus.  Get more used to being in your own skin.  I know how liberated I felt last semester when I finally admitted to myself, and to Damon, that I was gay, and decided to let the chips fall where they may at the fraternity.  As you know, the brothers came out of that on my side, not the side of the homophobes,” Bryce suggested.

            “That’s something to think about.  In fact, ever since you came out, I’ve been considering it,” Jason admitted.

            “Something else.  What about your jazz ensemble?  How would your fellow musicians react?” Bryce pushed.

            Jason paused.  Then he laughed.  “I don’t think any of the others in my group are gay, but there are sure enough gays around the School of Music, and nobody seems to have a problem with it.  You know, you’re making me notice things that were all around me all along.”

            “Then I guess these sessions are worth our time,” Bryce replied.  “And I know what you mean.  Last semester, I was surprised that the barriers and obstacles weren’t as great as I imagined them.  There were outlets I never noticed before.  I’m not suggesting coming out to your family just yet, but some relief here on campus can’t help but make you more comfortable with yourself.  Now, I know this is bordering on being nosy, but do you have a boyfriend?”

            Jason laughed, almost a snort.  “I wish.  My homoerotic experience is limited to one brief encounter over a year ago, a quickie in a restroom.  More scary than erotic, and definitely not very satisfying.  I guess I’ve had opportunities, but was too afraid to follow up on anything.  My sex life has existed only in my head.”

            “Well, you can’t have my boyfriend,” Bryce stated with a grin, “but we’ll both be your friends, and, maybe, who knows, something may happen once others know you’re available.”

            Jason got a bemused look on his face.  “I was just thinking what my dad would say if I came home with a black boyfriend.”

            “Sounds dangerous to me,” Damon commented.

            “I don’t think I want to try it,” Jason confirmed.

            The three guys talked in a desultory manner for the next few moments, just hanging together and getting to know each other better.  But Bryce noticed something in the attitude of Jason he did not quite understand.  Jason was kind of holding back about something.  Finally, he  decided to address whatever it was.

            “Jason, I get the feeling there’s something you want to talk about but are hesitant to bring up.  I hope Damon and I have made it clear that we’re willing to listen to just about anything.”

            “Not exactly,” Jason replied.  “I’m just kind of surprised at the conversation we just had.”

            “Surprised?  In what way?” Bryce asked.

            “I kind of expected you to try to convince me to be more religious.  You do have a reputation, you know?” Jason said with a grin.

            Bryce rolled his eyes, then looked to heaven with theatrical anguish.  “It’s the Jesus-freak thing.  Can’t a guy take religion seriously without being considered some kind of weirdo?”

            “I’m just reflecting what a lot of guys at the fraternity think,” Jason said.

            “Okay, let me lay it on the line,” Bryce said.  “Yes, I think religion is very important.  It’s an effort to answer some of the enduring questions that have intrigued humans since the beginning of time.  I am personally convinced of the truth of the Catholic religion.  Time after time, her answers to those enduring questions ring true.  But I do not believe in forcing my religion on anyone else.  Unless it’s accepted voluntarily and with conviction, it’s a sham, and worse than useless.  But, in a more general sense, religion plays an important part in defining who we are as a people, and providing significant social benefits.”

            “I don’t get a lot of that, Bryce,” Jason responded.  “For a start, I kind of think science has answered most of those questions that earlier people wondered about.”

            “Science cannot answer some kinds of questions because of the very nature of science.  Basically, science assumes the reality of only the physical world, which precludes a large part of reality from my perspective.  In addition, science really does not answer why things are, but rather confines itself to how things work.  It has a utilitarian value, but is useless when dealing with ultimate questions such as why the world exists, and what meaning it has.”

            “Aren’t those just matters of opinion?” Jason asked.

            “I don’t think so.  The materialist concludes that because the why questions cannot be answered by science, the questions are essentially meaningless in any objective sense, but all human experience and longing contradict this,” Bryce insisted.

            “But anything objective has to be based on factual knowledge.  And that’s science,” Jason replied.

            “Knowledge, as I understand it, is not restricted to scientific observations and conclusions, or to logical syllogisms.  That is important, but is only part of reality.  The knowledge that I claim as a Catholic is larger than that.  In one of his essays, the early twentieth century writer G. K. Chesterton uses this analogy to explain the difference.  He says the reality of the scientist is like a circle, complete, perfect, even beautiful.  But it is also a closed thing, and as such, a narrow and restricting thing.  The knowledge that comes with the Faith is like the cross.  It has a hard core, where the two parts, the trunk and the arms, meet, but the four parts extend out indefinitely, including ever more aspects of reality.”

            “That’s a nice poetic concept, but what does it mean in practice?” Jason demanded.

            “Well, let’s take the concept of love.  I think you’ll admit all, or at least most, humans are not only interested in love, but find it a pretty basic drive or desire, even on a par with the drives for food and shelter.  I have never seen a scientific explanation of love which made any real sense at all.  I have seen attempts to explain it as a biological imperative – the necessity of continuing the species.  I have seen it explained as some kind of electrical impulse in the human body.  These explanations entirely miss the point.  They’re talking about sex, not love.  Of course, sex and love can coexist, and ideally they should, but those so-called scientific explanations can be simply sex without love, too.  The abusive husband or father is not concerned with the continuation of the species.  Those explanations either ignore or twist the reality involved.  Anyone who has loved, and encountered these so-called explanations, naturally has the reaction, “yes, but ....”  Reality as experienced is simply not like that.  There is a knowledge based on the cumulative experience of mankind which is simply not reducible to a mathematical formula or a computer program.  That part of reality includes all the most important things in life – love, music, God.”

            “You threw in music to hook me,” Jason complained with a grin.  “But, seriously, I need to think about some of this.  You sound convincing, but I keep coming back to the idea that this life is all there is.  The rest is just wishful thinking.”

            “I don’t deny that religion satisfies some basic spiritual needs.  You can call those needs wishes if you want,” Bryce replied.

            “You said earlier that religion also had a social value and helped define us as a people.  I don’t see that either,” Jason complained.

            “Well, the historian in me replies that what we have historically known as the American people, and the values we as a nation stand for, were formed within the framework of Christianity.  It is arguable, and has been pretty convincingly argued by numerous historians, that only people steeped in Christian values could have written the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution.  Even though Jefferson himself was not a Christian, he reflected the values of the society around him.  The Anglo-American legal system, based on English common law and Roman precepts, was thoroughly transformed by its Christian context.  Common references in our history and literature assume, not necessarily belief, but at least familiarity with Christianity,” Bryce insisted.

            “But we live in a pluralistic society.  The first amendment to the Constitution seems to contradict what you say, and recent court decisions have held it improper to make specific references to Christianity, or any religion,” Jason countered.

            “True as far as current understanding is concerned, but that does not reflect historical reality.  The ‘non-establishment’ clause does not prohibit some expression of religion in a general sense, but instead prohibits any specific religion from becoming the religion of state by act of the federal government.  At the time it was adopted, every one of the thirteen states had an established religion, but in Massachusetts it was the Puritan variety, and in Virginia it was the Episcopal variety, and in Pennsylvania it was the Quaker variety, and some varieties were more tolerant than others.  The founding fathers saw that it would be impossible to select any one of these varieties of Christianity without causing serious disruption, maybe even civil war.  Hence they prohibited the federal government from establishing one type of religion as the official one.  That did not apply to the states until the adoption of the fourteenth amendment in 1868, which was achieved only by forcing the defeated Southern states to ratify the proposed amendment as the price of regaining their sovereignty from the military governments which had been imposed upon them.

            “Besides, consider the consequences of the secularization we are undergoing.  By catering to a distinct minority who do not share the common heritage, we have almost lost any sense of who we are as a people,” Bryce said.

            “Oh, come on!  That’s just right wing nonsense,” Jason objected.

            “What does it mean to be American these days?  You give me one thing the word American stands for, which is distinct from what the generic term human stands for, and it will either be a product of the Christian culture of the past, or a passing fad,” Bryce defended his position.  “Our society today has become so fragmented, it is no real society at all.  It’s just a bunch of people who happen to live in the same general geographical area.  Thanks to court decisions and the executive decrees of pusillanimous officials, we can’t have a Christmas tree, and a ‘holiday tree’ is a farce.  We can’t have prayers at public events, such as school athletic events.  Radio stations and bands are told to play less ‘religious’ Christmas carols.  Crèches and the Ten Commandments are banned from public spaces.  Easter is a ‘spring festival,’ another meaningless term.  What holds us together as a people?  What do we stand for?”

            “I think you’re exaggerating here, Bryce,” Jason insisted.  “And besides, as a gay person, surely you know that it is often religion which is the excuse for homophobia.”

            “Maybe I have overstated my case just a bit, but not by much.  I admit that, as a gay person, I sometimes feel besieged by the stupid homophobes, including those in my Church.  But at the same time, as a Catholic, I also feel under attach by the vicious enemies of the Church, including those in the gay community.  Well, I am a gay Catholic, and I will not be forced to chose between one part of me and another.  I will stand by this banner, even if I am the last sane person standing,” Bryce insisted.

            “I see you feel strongly about this, but there has to be some common ground somewhere.  How about basic humanity as something which holds us together, anyway?” Jason returned.

            “Whose version of basic humanity?  Oh, I think most of us can agree on a lot, but I insist that most of that agreement is a residue from our common Christian heritage, and has nothing in common with the secular ideologies which are attempting to replace it.  Where else in the world do you find a concept of human dignity and the rights of man except in the world formed by Christianity?  If those ideas are found today in other cultures, it is because those other cultures have been influenced by the Christian culture of the West,” Bryce insisted.

            “I think you have a one-sided view of things,” Jason said.

            “If that’s so, give me some evidence.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not saying our common Christian culture has been perfect.  Terrible atrocities have been carried out in the name of the Christian religion.  But I have no patience whatsoever with those traitors to their past who try to blame the West and Christianity for all the troubles of the world.”

            “Oh, come on!  Traitors?” Jason objected.

            “Some time around the middle of the last century the French author Julien Benda published a work entitled La Trahison des Clercs, published in English as The Treason of the Intellectuals.  In it he argues that modern Western thinkers, by abandoning the Christian context in which the West was formed, are undermining the very foundations on which they are attempting to build a more humane society.  I use the term ‘treason’ in that context,” Bryce explained.

            He went on to maintain, “There is no place where Christianity has triumphed which has not seen an improvement in the human condition.  There is no culture which has a better track record.  Those ideologues who are constantly berating the West simply chose to present a highly selective picture of non-Western cultures.  I admit, I feel strongly on this point, and you asked for it, Jason.  I did not initiate this part of our conversation, but you brought up my dedication to my religion.  It’s true.  I am dedicated.  But remember, I did not impose this on you, you asked for it.

            “As long as I’m on my soapbox, there’s another aspect of this whole question you might want to consider.  Our society today stresses the sovereign individual, but there is a valid question as to whether we have not gone too far.  Society, the common ground, deserves some attention as well.  Having some authority outside oneself is healthy.  If we rely solely on our own opinions, it is extremely easy to convince ourselves that whatever we want at the moment is right.  Humans delude themselves all the time.  There needs to be some check, some standard outside the individual to which individual opinions can be compared, if society is to survive.

            “To many people, even the word ‘authority’ is an abomination.  But, what’s the alternative?  If we refuse to recognize God and religion, and we refuse to recognize the common values inherited from the past, on what do we rely when there is a need for resolution to social problems?  The secularist says reason.  Reason is a weak reed.  We can reason ourselves into whatever we want.  It has been done over and over in the past.  Reason only works when there are commonly accepted grounds to begin with, what in geometry are called axioms.  Okay, no God, no religion, no common heritage, no reason.  What’s left?  Simple force.  The powers that be will enact laws which the rest of the people will be compelled to observe, or else.  Might makes right, even if that might is the will of the majority, and even if it is enacted into law by our so-called democratic process.  Those same conditions supported slavery in half the country until the Civil War.  Those same conditions supported defining homosexual activity as a crime until much more recently.

            “Okay.  I’ve said too much.  More than I intended.  You pressed my buttons.  Where we go from here is pretty much up to you,” Bryce told Jason.

            “When I left last time, I said you had given me a lot to think about.  I can say that again this time.  You haven’t convinced me, but you have put things in a different light from the way I’m used to seeing them.  Can we part as friends, and maybe talk some more later?” Jason appealed.

            “Sure.  I said before, Damon and I are here as friends.  That hasn’t changed as far as I’m concerned.  Just, now you know in more detail where I’m coming from,” Bryce assured him.

            Jason shook hands with both Bryce and Damon, and left.

            Damon mused, “I’m glad I got to see you at work.  You’ve given me some things to think about as well, Boyfriend.”