The Incident at
Chastity Falls

XI

He tried on a wan smile. I tried to reassure him with my eyes. But nothing I had experienced before in my life had prepared me for this. I had no idea what I could possibly say or do to give comfort to someone who had suffered such a devastating emotional loss.

Of course, it got worse. I knew that it would. I had already heard versions of this part of his story.

“I was back in school for the start of eighth grade, but I was never really there. I drifted through the year. I have no idea how I passed my classes and was promoted to the high school.

“Friends still tried to reach out to me. Coaches wanted me to play soccer and baseball. I just couldn’t do it. I don’t remember much, but I guess I put them off. Eventually they stopped trying.

“High school last year was a different matter. Some people, I imagine you can guess who they were, wouldn’t be put off. They saw that I wasn’t hanging out with my old friends. Maybe they thought it was because I didn’t fit in with them anymore.”

I tried to relate to Perry’s loss. Like me, he had discovered himself in early adolescence—maybe a year or two sooner than I had. Like me, he suffered a loss. But his loss was so much more devastating than what I had lost when our family moved. It was like he had lost the anchor that had helped connect him to the rest of the world and just couldn’t figure out how to re-establish that connection on his own.

“We all went through changes in middle school—the stuff they tell us about in the sex ed classes. About your body’s changes and how you start thinking about those things. It started to happen to me, too. But I was too distracted to pay much attention.

“What they don’t really tell us in those classes is how those changes can affect the way you think about things. A kid who giggled and wanted to exchange peeks with you in sixth grade has something a lot more advanced on his mind by ninth grade. And some of them aren’t as embarrassed about it as they used to be. A simple ‘no thanks’ doesn’t mean ‘no’ to all of them.

“And you know my problem. They saw someone small, delicate, pretty,” he grimaced, “with no friends. Some people made assumptions. It wasn’t easy to convince them that they were wrong.

“After a while, I couldn’t deal with their persistence. I’m sure my counselor would say that there was some post traumatic stress involved. All those years of abuse from my father and grade school classmates. All the taunts of ‘fairy’, ‘princess’, ‘homo’, ‘Gaylord’. They added up.”

“Having someone call you those things, someone who had a lot more on their mind than just hurting your feelings, I couldn’t take it! I said a lot of things I’m not proud of. I even did some things that shame me. But they still wouldn’t stop! It was almost like a game to them. Who could say the thing that would get the fairy to start crying? Or who could say the thing that would get the fairy to admit that he wanted what they wanted?

“It’s not what I want, Ross! It’s really not what I want!” He was sobbing freely again. And again, I had no idea what I could do beyond staying there to support him and show him with my expression and tone of voice that I heard him; that I cared; that his pain meant something to me; and that I hoped to find a way to help ease that pain for him.

A few more minutes passed in silence. His tears stopped. His breathing slowed. It felt like he was gathering his thoughts again.

“If I didn’t have all that baggage from when I was a kid, it probably wouldn’t bother me so much. But they keep trying to make me do something I don’t want to do, to be someone who isn’t me. Why can’t they just leave me alone?”

It was painful to see that hurt, defeated expression on his face again.

His voice changed then, becoming a bit wistful. “I wouldn’t try to change who they are. I don’t care that they have sex with each other.” He looked embarrassed but seemed to feel the point needed emphasis. “I don’t think it’s anyone’s business if two guys want to have sex together. There’s nothing wrong with it! If you and your friend, that Crandall kid, Nicky, were watching television with me and you started making out, it wouldn’t bother me at all! If you started having sex together, it wouldn’t offend me.”

He stopped to reflect. “I mean, I might feel uncomfortable being there while you were doing something so personal. But it wouldn’t disgust me at all! It just wouldn’t turn me on.”

For a moment, I wished he hadn’t brought up the topic. For some reason, the idea was turning me on.

But I was also wondering why he thought Nicky and I might make out—or have sex. I held a brief but intense internal debate. Our conversation that day was about Perry. It was right that it continue to be about him.

But I had questions. About Nicky. And maybe . . . maybe a question or two could be a bridge that would help get Perry off the falls and might help him start to establish some new connections with people who could support him through the rest of high school.

I swear I made the choice for the right reasons.

“Why would you think that Nicky and I are, uh, close friends?”

He seemed surprised, like the answer was obvious. “Aren’t you?”

I didn’t think so. I mean, not that close. But . . .

I was still thinking about that as he continued. “Well, you were talking about him wanting to be my friend. And he was with you when you ran by to stop those guys.” He paused in thought, as if he had questions about how much he should reveal. About us . . . about himself? I wasn’t sure. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Ross. In the lunch room. I know he eats with the baseball team, but he can’t take his eyes off of you. I thought you must be together by now.”

I was confused. I had no idea. It must have been written across my face in brilliant colors—like maybe scrawled in vivid shades of Crayola.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you, Ross. But that kid is definitely interested in you. Maybe his heart is too big to say anything and risk it being broken.”

“Then why is he dating Maeve Kennedy?” I mused.

“Maeve Kennedy? Aislinn’s sister?” Perry brightened up immeasurably. “She’s so sweet!”

And suddenly the conversation had taken a good turn. A healing turn, I hoped.

“Don’t be embarrassed, but Aislinn said the same thing about you,” I informed him.

Of course he was embarrassed. Perry turned a bright red. But it was a very hopeful shade of red.

“She’s hot, too,” he added. His blush turned an even deeper shade of crimson.

“Uh, Perry?” I don’t scheme often, certainly not like Rachel does. But I was scheming then. “I need a new lab partner in Biology. Um, Jason, well, you know he isn’t working with me anymore. And my work table is right next to Aislinn’s . . . ” I let the thought trail off so he could fill in the details.

The light in his eyes suggested that he had.

“And, uh, Perry?” I had another small snare to set. “Brian says you were really good at baseball. And he, and Coach Wyman, too, they want me to join the team. I don’t know why. I’m not all that great . . . ”

I could see him considering some possibilities.

“Could you help me knock the rust of those skills I do have?” I pleaded. “While we work, I can share all those shameful stories about my geekhood in Connecticut... I kinda owe you . . . ”

It wasn’t like a switch had been flipped. But I could see new thoughts in Perry’s eyes. New possibilities. I prayed that I could convince him that they would be worth tolerating whatever trouble the team might still have in store for him, and that I could help keep some of that sort of trouble away from him.

It startled me a bit when he suddenly stood up. He smiled shyly. “I’d really like to hear about your geekhood, Ross. And help you with baseball, and Biology . . . ” He took a very deep breath. “Whatever the next few years have in store for us.”

He started to cross the jumble of stones toward the path leading down to the pool, stepping nimbly from one rock to another. I noticed a smear of dirt below the hem of my jacket, on his butt.

I wanted nothing in the world more than to reach out and brush it off him. But that would cross important boundaries much too soon. I caught his attention and gestured toward his backside with a brushing motion. His eyes expressed his appreciation. He giggled shyly and wiped the dirt away.

I realized that he was going to be quite exposed climbing down from the falls, so I called him back. I pulled off my t-shirt and handed it to him, indicating that he could wrap it around his waist.

He laughed at me. “I know how good you look, Ross. But remember. That’s not the sort of thing that turns me on!” I noticed that he still had my flannel shirt in his hand when he started to wrap it around his waist.

It was embarrassing. But it also felt like a very hopeful sign that he felt comfortable teasing me about something like that.

When we got to the bottom of the falls, Nicky stepped quietly out from the edge of the trees. He had Perry’s clothes with him.

I noticed Adam standing about ten or fifteen feet farther back. He had the good grace to understand that he didn’t belong there and faded deeper into the wood as soon as he saw that Nicky was in safe hands.

Nicky started to pass Perry’s clothes to me. Perry reached out and took them with a smile and his thanks.

Nicky seemed uncomfortable. I was sure he was happy to see that Perry was safe and would be fine, but something about his eyes felt sad. I sensed a strange air of resignation about him.

“Was everything okay back there?” I asked. I really didn’t want to be too specific.

Nicky nodded. “Everything’s fine. Jack wasn’t seriously hurt.” He seemed to understand that Perry might need to hear that news.

“You’re all right?” He deserved to know that I was concerned and appreciated his courage.

“Yeah,” he said, like he had expected nothing else. “Adam had my back. But nobody wanted to start more trouble.”

It crossed my mind that getting Perry’s clothes out of the trees probably didn’t take too long. If there was no other trouble, I wondered how long he and Adam had been standing there at the edge of the woods waiting for us.

It looked like Nicky had questions. But after an awkward moment or two, he reached into his pocket. He handed me my phone.

“I made the call you asked me to make. There was no problem,” he confirmed elliptically. He shuffled his feet a bit. “I hope you won’t mind, but I made another call, too. Maeve expected me home from baseball practice a while ago.” Nicky shrugged apologetically.

I waved the explanation off. There was no need to even tell me.

Nicky met my eyes briefly. Then he followed Adam back into the woods.

 

As he had promised, Perry spent many hours over the next few weeks helping me “knock the rust” off my baseball skills. It wasn’t quite what I had expected, but certainly a pleasant surprise, when he decided that he would also join the baseball team that year. It felt like he had made a conscious decision to reconnect with life.

Perry was as good a ballplayer as advertised. He was playing regularly for our team before the year was over. I was cheering him and Brian from the bench. I did get into a few JV games as a late-inning defensive replacement. Blessedly, I never had an at-bat.

Perry also became my lab partner in Biology. He was a big help, although he and Aislinn spent enough time chatting to attract even Mr. Hartley’s attention.

Along the way, Perry also learned a lot about my geekhood in Connecticut. He didn’t even appear to be feigning interest. I think he genuinely appreciated some of the parallels in social and emotional development between our two lives.

 

Of course the incident at the falls wasn’t the end of the matter for the team. I guess they had too much invested in their hate, or lust, or whatever it was that motivated them to keep picking at Perry.

But we made it clear that we weren’t going to tolerate any more bullying—of Perry or anyone. I got in their faces whenever it looked like they might start up. Me! All five-foot-four of me! Of course I got my ass kicked. Several times. But they got the message.

I wasn’t alone. Brian was someone they had to take more seriously. Even little Nicky got in on the act. He was practical, too. He was willing to use anything at hand to make his point. He played baseball. And he was a very good hitter. It also didn’t hurt that Adam wasn’t going to let anyone harm his little brother. Over time, the team started to fall apart as some members drew away from the instigators.

But the main enforcer on our side was Becky. She was ruthless. Once she came on me and Dante engaged in a shoving match near my locker. She walked up to us and just nutted him! Never said a word. It left Dante talking to His Precious for a week, begging it to say something back to him.

 

Perry and I grew closer. He and Brian re-established their friendship. Becky and Linda were his frequent companions, eating lunch with him every day. Sometimes I joined them, sometimes I ate with my new baseball bros.

Adam apologized quietly for his role in the incident at the falls and for any support he had lent to the team in the past. He and Perry never became close, but Adam was there for him several times during our remaining high school years.

During our junior year, after Max Packwood had moved on to bigger and better things than Ball Mountain Union High School, Perry and Aislinn started dating. The two of them spent a lot of time with Maeve and Nicky—not that there were many things for dating couples to do in East Grange. Between their shared social interest in Kennedy sisters and their baseball, Perry and Nicky became close friends in time.

 

I played baseball with Brian, Perry and Nicky throughout the rest of my time in high school. There were some up and down moments.

I remained a very good fielder. With my speed, I could track down almost anything hit in my direction, and my glove was sure. I had a strong, accurate throwing arm. But I never could hit a baseball to save my life. Brian couldn’t understand it. Perry couldn’t understand it. Mr. Wyman seemed puzzled, too. But it did give the team a great deal of pleasure, whenever any of them showed up to watch us play.

Our junior year, we made it as far as the semi-finals of the state tournament. That ended in tears.

I was the starting right fielder for the team, bad bat and all. But leading by a run in the sixth inning, Mr. Wyman took me out of the game in the hope that a better hitter could help tack on an insurance run or two.

When the opposing team came to bat for the final time in the seventh inning, they got a couple of runners on base. A well-hit ball to right field earned them the win.

After the game I was in the shower feeling sorry for myself. I knew I could have tracked down that ball and protected our lead if I had still been in the game. If I wasn’t such a crappy hitter, Mr. Wyman would have left me in the game and we could have moved on to the state finals. I was sure it was my fault, so I found a quiet corner where I could shower while I hid my shame and my tears.

Perry wouldn’t let me blame myself. He joined me in my corner and, in a gesture that demonstrated just how much he trusted me and cared about me, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and explained that the team owed its success that year to me, as much as anyone. He refused to let me blame myself for what the team hadn’t accomplished.

It was a form of redemption when we appeared in the state championship our senior year and won. I didn’t get a hit in the decisive game, but I played all seven innings. I got my bat on the ball every time I came to the plate. And I managed to advance a couple of runners. One of them eventually scored.

But best of all, the shitheads finally went out on top!

 

Soccer was a different matter. But I’m not going to boast about that.

We played together all of the final two years; Brian, Perry and me. Even Nicky managed, through sheer determination, to make the varsity team his junior year.

We had fun. We had success. And I had made friends for life, not because popular crowds hang together, or because winners are always popular, but because I had discovered good people who always tried to do the right thing. And I made sure I became one of them.

 

I stayed in Vermont to attend college. Four years at Groovy UV. I had a good time. But I made sure I didn’t lose touch with the kind of person I wanted to be.

Two years after I graduated high school, Mom and Dad packed up Cara and returned to Connecticut. He was being rewarded for his five successful years building PPO into a immense corporate profit center for Appleton-Price. It seems that Dad has a very good chance of becoming the Apex Predator himself someday.

Rachel had preceded them by four years. She attended the University of Connecticut where she majored in Communication, of all things, and had been—at least according to rumor—maintaining the air pressure in Max Packwood’s inflatable penis.

Max did go to UConn on an athletic scholarship, academic and personality scholarships being considerably beyond the reach of his abilities, so it’s possible that he and Rachel had hooked up. I do know that Max dumped Aislinn at the end of the summer after he graduated; sort of a ‘pump me up for the road’ thing, and then he was off and she never heard from him again.

When Mom and Dad returned to Darien, I decided to stay in Vermont and finish my education at UVM. I had already made up my mind that I would return to East Grange. My friends were there. So was my future.

I had finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I got real enjoyment from helping people, especially younger people. I particularly enjoyed helping them to gain new knowledge and develop new skills.

Teaching would give me an opportunity to satisfy all those interests. Teaching in the community where I had learned who I wanted to be and how to become a good person, would give me the opportunity to give back to the people that had nurtured my own growth.

I had a job offer waiting in Antioch, a nearby town in the neighboring Silver River Union School District. I was hired to teach Social Studies and History at their middle school and to coach the middle school soccer team. I’ve been there for three years now.

Pax was a huge source of support. He knew some of the people at Silver River and they were impressed with his recommendation. He was particularly supportive of my plan when he learned about the coaching opening with the soccer team. He told me privately that it would be good to know that the Ball Mountain High School program could be left in good hands if he ever decided to move on.

Coach Wyman also provided a good recommendation. He suggested that I apply for the baseball coaching job, too, if it ever opened up. He thought I had a good understanding of the game and had a real ability to reach and teach kids. But he did make it clear that I would need to have an assistant who could be the hitting coach.

I had left Darien ten years ago, hoping only that I would survive life on the outer limits of civilization. Instead I found great opportunities for personal growth, people who helped me to achieve that growth, and a community full of people that have become closer to me than family.

 

I counted many accomplishments during my three years at Ball Mountain Union High School. I took risks. I sacrificed things that I valued. But in the end, I found that through those sacrifices I was rewarded with other things that I valued even more. I don’t think any of those things meant more to me than the friendship that I forged with Perry.

When I first set eyes on him he was—I suppose, if I’m to be honest—an object of lust. At that time I had never experienced sexual intimacy, so I didn’t really understand everything I was feeling when I saw him. But I knew that he was beautiful and I wanted to do more than just admire his appearance.

I can’t say whether it was simply a fortuitous conspiracy of circumstances, or whether I had started to develop enough emotional maturity to recognize that what I wanted from Perry wasn’t important if he didn’t want the same thing. That giving Perry what he wanted, and more importantly what he needed, would help create the foundation for a emotionally and intellectually fulfilling human relationship, even if I didn’t get all the things I wanted out of it.

Whatever was responsible, I can say without exaggeration that I helped to pull him from a very dark place, and he helped to make me the person that I am today. I learned that helping other people by prioritizing their greater needs over my lesser desires, helped to make me better. Looking back at my three years at Ball Mountain, I can see now that what I accomplished during that time was far greater than what I accomplished during the three years I had left behind in Darien.

Leaving Connecticut hurt at the time. But I’m grateful now to my father and mother for making that move. I’m grateful to my Nana for helping me develop a better perspective on the change and for opening my mind to all the possibilities that flowed from that experience. And I’m especially grateful to all the friends I made in East Grange who helped me to learn the life lessons that prepared me to be the person that I am today, someone ready to help the next generations find their paths forward so they can become the best versions of themselves.

 

I turned twenty-five years old this July, just seven days before Perry turned the same age. We are both in a good place in our lives. Both of us are valued members of the community. Both of us are doing things that we love, that have meaning for us. Both of us see a bright future ahead. I’m proud of him, and I believe he’s proud of me. I love the person he is even more than I once lusted after the person he appeared to be.

Three years ago, Perry asked me to stand up with him when her married Aislinn. He had just returned home to East Grange with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering.

Perry started his own electrical consulting business. Aislinn won’t ever have to wait at home, wondering if she’ll get the same call that Perry’s mother got twelve years ago; she made Perry take a safety course, and refreshers every year. Perry liked field work, however, and does want to carry on a legacy from his step-father. He may pass it on to his own son some day.

Aislinn? She’s been wonderful for Perry. He says she is the only girl he has ever been in love with. She’s certainly in love with him. As Jason once suggested, she might not have been the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but she is its shining star. She’s beautiful, she’s hard working, she’s always thoughtful and kind to the people around her. She has been intensely loyal to Perry. And I’m certain she always will be.

Today, Perry and Aislinn live with his mother in the home in Mountainview that his step-father built for them. They’re not alone.

Just a little over a year after they were married, on Perry’s twenty-third birthday, Aislinn presented him with a son! They named him Jeffrey Mason Nolan. The only condition Aislinn placed at the christening is that he will never be known by his middle name. She still holds a grudge against Mason—and Jack, Mark, Jason, Dante and many others who made Perry’s life miserable for years. I think he has mostly forgiven them. But she is too loyal to Perry to ever forgive them for the deep and lasting pain that they caused him. She’s one of the nicest people I know, but even Aislinn has limits to what she will tolerate.

Little Jeff just turned two years old a month ago. He’s a beautiful child. With parents like Perry and Aislinn, I guess that was inevitable. And with parents like Aislinn and Perry, he’s going to be one of the most kind, thoughtful and decent people anyone could know. By the time he gets to school he’s going to be a chick or dude magnet!

Everyone who has met Jeff loves the little guy. He has good, loving parents. Perry’s mother adores him. Perry and Aislinn have a home with her for life, whether they like it or not! Aislinn’s parents love Jeff just as much. Fortunately, all the grandparents are great people; otherwise the competition over Jeff could get fierce.

And Jeff has an adoring godfather.

That would be me! When they asked me, I wanted to cry. When they asked my partner to be Jeff’s other godfather, I did cry!

It was just about a year after I stood beside Perry at his wedding, that he stood with Brian and me at our wedding. Jeff was born mere weeks later. Now my goal is for Brian and me to have a son so we can return the godparenting honor to Perry and Aislinn.

 

My relationship with Brian developed gradually. It wasn’t a great love affair. But slowly, over time, I came to realize that he was a rock. He was calm, reliable, thoughtful. Whatever people around him needed, they could depend on Brian.

Playing soccer with Brian, and baseball, I started to understand that part of the reason I was becoming a better person is because he helped to make me better. His example showed me both what I could be and that it was someone I should be. He was a solid anchor for my life and I decided that we could build a future together. And now we are.

Brian and I live in East Grange. Mom and Dad offered to rent me our house at a reasonable price when they understood that I was staying in Vermont. It would be more than two young schoolteachers could afford if the rent wasn’t so reasonable, but even my pride wouldn’t let me turn down their offer. It’s in East Grange. It’s close to all my friends. It sits in plain sight of Ball Mountain and in hearing distance of Chase Falls. I have so many memories that keep me rooted here.

I’m looking forward to the day when little Jeff, and Brian’s and my son, will be roaming across this land, making new discoveries about it and about themselves, that will help them become rooted in the land, too.

I just need to find a way to be able to buy the home from Mom and Dad someday. It won’t be easy to come up with that much money, but maybe I could write a book!

 

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in mid-August. Brian is already off at work, at Ball Mountain Union High School, preparing for the start of the new school year.

I decided to take the morning off. I’m well along with getting my plans ready for the school year. And coaching a middle school sport means that practices won’t begin until school is in session.

I’m thinking about giving Nana a call. She’s what I miss the most about living in Darien, and I know she appreciates hearing from each of us.

I also have a party to prepare for. Brian and I decided that we want to host a cookout to get the gang together again before we get too busy with work.

Of course Perry, Aislinn and Jeff will be there, with his mom and her parents.

Becky and Linda will be there, too. They’re still together, although both are being coy about making long-term commitments. Linda is working for a local dentist, helping him manage his office. She’s also talking about going to school to become a dental hygienist. Becky is driving a truck and delivering supplies for PPO. If she ever gets tired of being on the road, it’ll be only a matter of time before she’s running their transportation department.

I’ll invite Pax. He coached all of us. And now that Brian is teaching at the high school, they’re colleagues.

We always invite Adam to gatherings. Sometimes he comes. But his history with Perry makes him uncomfortable. Perry, I’m sure, has completely forgiven him. I’m not sure that Adam will ever forgive himself.

Nicky and Maeve will be there. Nicky ended up marrying Aislinn’s younger sister as soon as Maeve graduated from high school, five years ago. She has been chasing him since he was in second grade. When she finally caught him, she didn’t let go!

Maeve has been good for Nicky. She’s every bit as nice a person as Aislinn and almost as beautiful. Those Kennedy girls just have something special about them!

Brian and I spend a lot of time with Maeve and Nicky. They plan to start a family someday, but want to wait a few more years. So they have the time for young adult activities that Perry and Aislinn just don’t have any more. During the winter, we’re on the slopes with them almost every weekend. In warmer weather we swim, hike and occasionally travel to Brattleboro for dinner and movies.

Nicky was like a little brother to Brian and me throughout high school. He played soccer and kept up with us through sheer force of will. On the baseball diamond he developed into a star. Brian was proud to turn his captaincy of the team over to Nicky when we graduated. And if that baseball coaching position ever does open up at Silver River Middle School, maybe he will agree to be my hitting coach.

Spending as much time with them as we do, it’s easy to see that Nicky and Maeve are very much in love. But there are times, watching Nicky’s eyes in unguarded moments, when I can’t help feeling that he wonders about what might have been.

And to be honest, so do I.