I used the cross country trail.
As I walked home, I thought about what Brian had told me. It was weird, but the more I knew about Perry as a person, and the challenges that confronted him, the less I found myself thinking about how good he looked. I mean, he still looked good, but that wasn’t the most important thing about him any more.
I didn’t know Perry, beyond what Brian had shared with me and some occasional, brief contact at school over the past two months. But I was feeling a strong impulse to help him. He seemed like a person that had experienced some tough breaks and needed some support and, if Brian was right about him, he needed some help. I just wasn’t sure how receptive he would be to my efforts.
But I was worried, too, about how I could help Perry without upsetting most of the rest of my friends. I liked being part of that group and was kind of proud about how quickly I had made so many new friends. I understood that maybe they weren’t treating Perry very well, but they were mostly a fun and good group of people whom I thought I could count on. What would happen if helping Perry meant I had to confront them? What if I lost my friends to help Perry? And what if Brian was wrong, and the trouble between Perry and my friends was more Perry’s fault than theirs? From almost a hundred seventy-five miles away, I swear I could hear Nana chuckling.
I thought about talking to Mom and Dad about Perry and the choices I might have to make. But past experience told me that Rachel was bound to overhear if it was something I wanted to keep private. There was no way I wanted her in my business, especially if it had to do with Perry.
Over dinner, I just mentioned to Mom that I was going to start running home from school unless the weather was bad. Rachel seemed pleased. She even muttered something supportive about me being too tough to let a little rain or snow bother me.
Mom and Dad didn’t think I was that tough. Once they found out that I was planning to run home on the network of trails that ran through the surrounding woods, they became concerned about bad weather and injuries on slippery dirt trails without anyone around to help me. Rachel stood up for me again. She promised to make sure that I had my cell phone on me before I left for school every day and that I had all the local emergency numbers on my speed dial.
I was reminded of my conflicting loyalties over lunch the next day. Mason and Jack were acting rather pleased with themselves. It didn’t take long to coax the story behind their satisfaction out of them.
Apparently one of them had distracted Perry after their Phys Ed class, while he was putting his gear in his locker and getting ready to shower. While Perry was watching Jack warily, Mason managed to jam his locker door so it didn’t close. Then, when Perry was in the shower, they took and hid all his clothes. After he got out of the shower, Perry spent about five minutes chasing all over the locker room wearing nothing but a towel, looking for his clothes while Mason and Jack provided their version of humorous commentary.
Thinking about how embarrassing the situation must have been made me feel bad for Perry. I almost said something to the guys. But everyone at the table was enjoying the story and the guys’ antics. It was all in fun. And really, worse things happened to people, didn’t they? Tim Dillon was still eating at our table, hanging on every word that Dante spoke, and gazing adoringly at him like he expected rainbows and unicorns to suddenly pop out of his butt. It was all in fun, wasn’t it?
It was only later, when I happened to glance over to where Perry was sitting, that I noticed he was absorbing the hilarity at our table, with Jack and Mason at center stage. His face was red and his eyes appeared to be a bit damp, even from thirty feet away. He looked thoroughly humiliated. I felt terrible knowing that he saw me sitting with these guys, apparently enjoying the story of his embarrassment along with them.
I knew it probably wouldn’t help, but during Biology the following period, I was searching for an opportunity to make eye contact with Perry. When he did notice me looking at him, I offered what I hoped was a sad, sympathetic glance, and nodded at him. I hope he got the message. But maybe he just thought I had gas. The school lunch hadn’t been great that day. I think Jason caught me looking at Perry and my gesture of sympathy. When I looked back in his direction, he had a speculative expression on his face.
I started to enjoy my runs home after school. The weather was reasonable for late March and there wasn’t much snow on the trails.
Once or twice I had seen Perry walking toward the head of the trail when school let out. But I never saw him on the trail. Maybe he had too much head start by the time I changed into my gear and set out. Or maybe he heard me coming and got off the trail. But I kept hoping that I might see him, if only to offer a brief wave and smile in passing.
Even though I hadn’t achieved my main objective yet, I was at least gaining a solid knowledge of the trail network and the terrain it traversed.
It was always encouraging to hear Chase Falls in the distance as I got closer to home. Once or twice, I stopped briefly to enjoy the scenery. I thought that maybe after the weather got a lot warmer, that it might be nice to stop for a quick dousing under the falls or a swim in the pool to cool off before I got home. Of course, not only the weather would have to be warmer for that, but so would the water. Isolated as the area was, I thought I might even get to enjoy the pleasure of a natural swim . . . although Jason had told me that the area would get busier in the warm weather when local kids went up Ball Mountain before the big finish at Chastity Falls.
I found myself becoming increasingly empathetic toward Perry. That was probably why I found the courage to finally speak up at lunch one day. The conversation, as usual, was about some stunt that Mason and Jack had pulled during their Phys Ed class. They were tormenting Perry for no reason that made sense to me. And several of the guys around our table were starting to get into the act, offering their own suggestions for things that Jack or Mason might try in the future.
So I spoke up. I didn’t think it was unreasonable. I just asked what Perry had done to deserve what was happening to him. I even worded it just like that! Not ‘what you’re doing to him’, or ‘the way you’re treating him’. I was just trying to get them to think about how Perry was feeling about what was happening to him and how it might not be fair to make him feel that way.
You’d think they had caught me raping a nun! Not that I would ever do that. Not ever! For lots of reasons, but mostly for the obvious one.
Jason, my friend, almost bit my head off!
“What do you mean, it isn’t fair for Perry? He’s been hating on us for years!”
I tried to suggest that maybe he was trying to do better this year and might deserve a fresh start. I hadn’t heard any evidence that he was hating on anybody this year, beyond that morning in the shower when he finally went off on Jack, an exchange that Perry really hadn’t started. And then, Perry was only responding to something that had been done to him.
“What?” Jack demanded, affronted. “I complimented him!”
I probably rolled my eyes. Jack’s excuse was so transparent. My expression didn’t go over well.
“Why would Perry want a guy to compliment his looks?” I was trying to be reasonable. “You guys must know that he wouldn’t appreciate something like that, especially after he blew up for the same reason last year.”
I thought I might have detected a few guilty looks being exchanged, but Dante cut in.
“You’ve been talking to Brian!” he sneered.
“So what if I have?” I demanded. “Didn’t you guys keep coming on to him last year until he lost it?”
“Paying him compliments,” Jack said.
“Didn’t you figure out, after weeks of . . . compliments . . . that they weren’t welcome?”
“How do you know it wasn’t welcome?” Dante smirked. He cut his eyes toward Tim. “We were just helping him discover his true inner self!”
Several faces around the table brightened. It was like they thought Dante had articulated their perfect defense . . . or maybe stumbled onto an intriguing and delightful possibility. I could hear the gears working again.
I tried to be reasonable, reminding Dante about Max Packwood harassing me in the shower and how much it had upset me.
“That’s because you didn’t want it!” Dante rebutted.
I tried to explain how vulnerable Perry might feel, how I had felt, alone and defenseless.
“Well, I stood up for you,” Dante reminded me, half accurately. “How come you’re against us now after what I did for you?”
It was a telling argument for most of the team.
I made one last attempt. I tried to point out that their sort of unwelcome attention, especially with sexual overtones, would get them fired from a lot of jobs if it was directed at a woman. It might even be illegal in some places!
“Well Perry isn’t a girl, is he?” Jason demanded as if that concluded the debate.
I wanted to explain that shouldn’t really matter, but it was clear that everyone had heard enough from me. Even Tim was looking at me like he thought I was being a killjoy.
As I got up to bring my tray to the dish line, I had a dreadful feeling that maybe I had only made things worse.
Jason caught up to me as I was walking to Biology.
“What were you thinking, Ross?” he demanded. “You know everyone hates Perry. Why would you stand up for that hater?”
I tried to protest his characterization, but he wasn’t through talking.
“You’ve got it pretty good here, Donnelly. First year at this school and you’re already part of the ‘in’ crowd. We’re going to run this school for the next two years. You can be part of that. Don’t mess things up for yourself. You don’t want to make enemies of the team!”
He stalked away before I could reply.
Jason was waiting at our usual table in Biology, but his posture made it clear that we were only going to be work partners. The easy camaraderie we usually enjoyed was absent.
Dinner that evening was also uncomfortable. Rachel appeared to be probing for information. She had probably heard something at school.
I said little, pretending to be absorbed in my chicken marsala. Actually, I didn’t really have to pretend. Mom makes great chicken marsala!
Rachel eyed me suspiciously throughout the meal. I escaped to my bedroom and homework as soon as I was through eating. I preferred even homework to dealing with Rachel role-playing Veronica Mars.
Lunch the following day was awkward. Several excited conversations at our table stopped as soon as I exited the serving line.
Conversations around me throughout lunch were bland and uninteresting. But intense, whispered conversations farther down the table caught my attention. Occasional guarded glances in my direction left the distinct impression that I wouldn’t have been a welcome part of those exchanges, even had I been eager to recant my apostasy.
Those sitting around me weren’t hostile. They just weren’t friendly. I sensed that they were there to distract me while more important conversations went on farther down the table, and that they really would have been happier if I wasn’t there. I was surrounded by friends yet felt very lonely.
I spent the weekend hiking and running the nearby trails. I didn’t often seek out company away from school, but I really wanted solitude that weekend to work out in my mind what was happening with my friends and what I should do about it.
I wasn’t sure that thinking helped. I could recall the anger on their faces at lunch when I questioned how they were treating Perry. But what upset me the most were the looks of betrayal that I had seen in the eyes of people who had welcomed me to their community when I arrived at my new school. They had treated me well. I had repaid them by suggesting that they were in the wrong over what they believed was really no more than mild hazing.
That teasing may have bothered Perry more than it would most people, but he should have been able to take it without resorting to abusive language and homophobic slurs, shouldn’t he? If he ignored them, wouldn’t everyone eventually get bored and leave him alone?
That seemed to make sense. Although it also seemed that maybe the guys could have just left Perry alone. Sure, he overreacted. But as far as I could tell, he wasn’t trying to interact with them. He just wanted to be left alone. And that didn’t feel like it should be unreasonable.
On the other hand, they were a fun group of guys! I liked being part of their group. Why couldn’t Perry just put up with a bit of teasing from them? If he just smiled and didn’t react to their comments, he could have a good group of friends like I had. He was missing out on a great opportunity by being so defensive.
It was frustrating! By standing up for Perry a bit and, at least in my friends’ eyes, taking his side in their conflict, I could end up losing them as friends! I had come to East Grange and, in just seven months, I had accomplished everything I had accomplished in Darien. I was known around school as a star athlete. Our soccer team had won the state championship! I was fairly popular with most of the students and teachers. I was becoming increasingly involved in the GSA. And I had a large group of friends that were fun to be around! That was everything I had accomplished in Darien in less than a third of the time it had taken there.
Now, if I took Perry’s side in this fight, I would lose about half of everything I had worked so hard to achieve! It just wasn’t fair!
Then it occurred to me. No one was asking me to take Perry’s side in his fight with my friends . . . except maybe for Brian. But I could make all of my friends happy without upsetting anyone very important in my life by simply staying out of their conflict. What did it matter to me how other people lived their lives?
Live and let live! It sounded like a formula for happiness.
Finishing my jog through the wooded trails, I stopped to enjoy the view at Chase Falls. The falls, already flush with spring runoff, were a tempestuous contrast to the placid pool of water spreading out from the base of the waterfall. I wanted nothing more than for my life to resemble the peaceful flow of water away from the base of the falls.
But that pool of water was dependent on the tempest of the falls for its existence. Without the strife and drama of the falls, the pool would have been much smaller and much less meaningful in anyone’s life. It sounded like a metaphor for something. I decided that worrying about it was someone else’s problem. It was the weekend. Figuring out metaphors was something we might have to do in school, but the weekend was my time!
I wondered what Mom might be preparing for dinner. Her meals had been even better than usual since we moved to Vermont. She may have been trying to help make up for the disruption to our lives, but it was more likely because she and Dad had fewer occasions to entertain since we moved to Vermont. She was probably just keeping her skills from getting rusty. Whatever the reason was, I definitely enjoyed the result!
At lunch on Monday, I tried to avoid doing something that might offend anyone. I still felt excluded from the important conversations. But I was starting to decipher their content from tone and body language.
Dante was thick as thieves with Jack, Mason and Mark. There were a lot of glances toward where Perry was eating. They seemed angry, although I hadn’t heard anything about a locker room incident that morning. Dante’s gestures also included Tim a couple of times.
It was far from clear, but I got the sense that the four of them were speculating about Perry, rather than just expressing anger. The gestures toward Tim didn’t appear to fit that sort of conversation. But I recalled Dante’s reaction when I pointed out that Perry wouldn’t welcome compliments about his appearance from the guys. And I also recalled a conversation in which Brian had hinted that some of the guys had speculated about Perry’s sexuality, maybe to justify their own interest in him. I sensed that might be happening again.
I wasn’t taking sides. But I couldn’t help wondering why they couldn’t just leave Perry alone. If he wasn’t doing anything to them, why would they even think about him?
I decided to wait after school to talk to Brian. It wasn’t exactly keeping with my weekend decision to stay out of other people’s business, but the conversations I had observed at lunch left me with a question or two.
Brian seemed pleased to see me. Then his expression changed to one of concern when he considered why I might be waiting for him.
“Were they after Perry again today?” he demanded.
I assured him that I hadn’t heard about anything but shared what I had witnessed during lunch. What I was interested in was the impression that several of the guys seemed to think that Perry might be gay and might be using that assumption to justify their treatment of him.
“That’s an old story,” Brian said. “Ever since we started to figure out what our dicks were for, a lot of the guys were interested in Perry.
“It wasn’t a big deal in seventh grade. Nobody was very aggressive and Perry was part of some groups because he was playing baseball and soccer. We had his back. Besides, he was a lot more confident back then. If anyone did try anything with him, he would have told them where to go.
“But after his dad died, he didn’t belong anywhere. And he didn’t act like he wanted to belong anywhere. People started wondering why. Some of them reached their own conclusions.” Brian shook his head at the memory. It may have been annoyance or it may have been regret.
“Did he ever mess around with anyone? Or talk about doing something? Why would anyone just assume that about him?” That made no sense to me.
“Wishful thinking, I guess,” Brian said. “I never heard anything from Perry that made me think he was interested. He never even hinted at anything like that whenever he and I were hanging out.”
“Man! That’s just so screwed up. If they were so hot for him, they should just get themselves an inflatable doll and make it look like him!”
“Spoken like a man who has some experience,” Brian smirked. But it was a friendly smirk.
It was a casual jibe, but it made me defensive.
“I don’t have any kind of experience, Brian. None at all.” Saying that was giving away more than I had intended.
Brian shared my embarrassment at the revelation. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a quick pat before he said good-bye.
After a couple more days of being shut out of conversations at lunch, I was getting tired of the inane chatter that my ‘handlers’ were using to distract me from the more serious discussions going on around us. Worse, I was getting a strong sense that they were getting tired of having to manage me. From the way the others were treating me, I suspected it would take more than an apology before the team would be ready to trust me again.
I was in an odd place. I was frustrated that I was being shut out by my friends and that all the effort I had put into building this network of friends was in danger of being lost. But I was also irritated that my friends would be so quick to dismiss me just because I had some questions about why they were so down on someone else. It felt like they might have tried to explain their perspective to me, rather than immediately getting defensive, and then angry because I didn’t just accept what they were doing. I had never been in a situation like that before and really wasn’t sure how to respond. I was being shut out of any real conversations at lunch. I was getting the feeling that it was only a matter of time before I was pushed out of the social group. And I couldn’t find an opening to work my way back into their company again.
I’m not a quitter. But by Thursday, I had given up on mending fences with the team any time in the immediate future. Rather than remaining in uncomfortable proximity with people who clearly didn’t want me around, as I exited the lunch line, I decided that I needed to find another place to eat.
That was oddly terrifying. I had come to feel very much at home at Ball Mountain and confident in my status within the school. But as soon as I detached from my main social group, I almost had a panic attack. My feet started walking me back toward my old lunch table before my head realized what was happening.
I stopped dead in the middle of the dining hall to consider my options. I thought about eating with Brian, but he was eating with the baseball team. So, I had noticed, was Nicky. No one else came to mind. I realized that I might need to join the baseball team just to have someone to eat lunch with. At that point I was feeling very sorry for myself.
I noticed a small, out-of-the-way table that was empty. In defeat, I accepted my fate and became a social pariah. Then I started feeling even sorrier for myself.
I kept my head down while I dejectedly worked my way through whatever it was that had been slopped onto my lunch tray. I didn’t pay much attention, but it couldn’t have tasted any worse than I felt. It had been almost four years since I had last eaten lunch alone. The situation was so unfamiliar that I really had no idea how I should act. So I just ate quietly. Then I left.
After I dropped my tray off at the dish line, I noticed that Perry was looking in my direction. I probably should have tried a small smile or wave. Instead I just hung my head and slunk out of the dining hall.
In Biology, Jason worked silently beside me. He didn’t even make eye contact, let alone make any idle chatter. Aislinn actually noticed the quiet next to her and was solicitous. I didn’t respond.
From his seat a few tables away, I noticed Perry studying me curiously. I didn’t smile. I didn’t wave. Overcome by my shame, I kept to myself.
I didn’t hesitate when I entered the dining hall on Friday. Resigned to my fate, I strode directly to the small table I had eaten at the day before.
I set my tray down. I studied its contents. Cafeteria pizza! Hooray! What a horrible end to a horrible week. I hung my head.
After a minute or two of silent contemplation, I felt people around me. Chairs were pulled back and scraped across the tile. I looked up. Becky and Linda sat down across from me.
“You love him, don’t you?” Becky asked without preamble.
“Who?” But I thought I knew who they meant.
“Perry,” Linda clarified. “You really do love him.”
What an odd way for them to begin a conversation with a leper.
“Maybe,” I allowed. “I mean, he’s gorgeous. Beyond that, I don’t really know him well. But the more I learn, the more I think I like him, even more than I like how he looks.”
“He’s not, you know?” Becky informed me.
“Not?”
“Gay,” Linda said. “Perry isn’t gay.”
How did they know? The two lesbians in our group knew more than all the gay guys?
“They think with their dicks,” Becky observed.
“Yeah. And dicks have very small heads. Not a lot of room for brains,” Linda insisted with a sly grin.
“We’ve known Perry since he came to East Grange,” Becky continued.
“Since fourth grade,” Linda filled in some detail. “He was a very sweet kid. Shy at first, but definitely sweet. Those guys,” she pointed back toward my old lunch table, “are why he gets so angry and sounds hateful.”
“So why do they do it?” I asked.
“Thinking with the small brain. Hope springs eternal, I guess. At least when you measure the weight of your brain in grams.”
It still didn’t make sense to me. When Perry didn’t respond to their interest, they kept pushing until he blew up. They couldn’t think he would have a sudden change of heart, especially when they increased the intensity of their abuse. I said as much to the girls.
“That’s more complicated,” Linda explained. “None of them would ever admit it, but I think they’re trying to punish him for rejecting them.”
“They want him so much that they can’t accept that he isn’t interested,” Becky said.
“He really is incredible looking. Even Becky and I have thought about what it would be like to have sex with him.” Linda exchanged an indecipherable glance with Becky.
“But you’re sure he isn’t?” I wanted to be sure.
“No!” They both shook their heads firmly.
“And you are?”
They seemed a bit confused by my question.
“So everyone is going to be disappointed.” They nodded and smiled ruefully as they understood my point.
“What a screwed-up mess!” I was staring to appreciate some of the futility of life.
“It doesn’t have to be,” Becky said. “There’s more to life than who you’re sleeping with.”
“Perry isn’t,” Linda reinforced the point. “But he could be a really good friend to you if you can find a way to get past his defenses.”
Both of them watched me closely as I considered the idea and discovered that I liked it. Not that a small part of me wasn’t hoping that we could become friends with benefits, but I really did like the idea of becoming Perry’s friend.
“So what made you decide to join the short table today?” I wondered. “Did Jason want to be sure I wasn’t planning to do something crazy?”
Becky and Linda exchanged another glance.
“Jason didn’t say anything to us,” Becky said. “And it wouldn’t matter if he had.”
“Becky and I really like you, Ross,” Linda added. “We think you’re good for that group and hope you’ll come back when those idiots get the crazy out of their system.”
“But what if the insanity gets a lot worse?” I was very concerned that it might. “What if they hurt Perry?”
“We’re worried about that,” Becky said.
“Becky and I think someone should talk to Perry. Warn him to be careful.” Linda finished the thought. “We noticed Perry watching you at lunch yesterday. He’s curious about why you left our group. He might be open to talking with you now.”
“And,” Becky added, “Perry really needs a friend.”
“He really needs someone who will stand with him,” Linda said. “He wants a friend. But he’s afraid.”
That was the second time someone had told me that Perry was afraid. I wracked my brain to remember who was first.
Then it came to me. Of course! Brian! Three people who had known Perry well thought that he was afraid. I just needed to figure out how to get past his fear and help him to trust.
Becky and Linda both thought that something would soon come to a head with the team. They encouraged me to respect Perry’s feelings, and his defensiveness, but to move as quickly as I thought possible.