By The Way
copyright 2006 by Mark Logan
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 8
I’m not
gonna get into all of the details of that first night when Alan and I were
together. You can use your imagination for now.
For the next several weeks Alan and I hung out a lot more. Surprise! While I
had always enjoyed his company in Spanish class we started really becoming
better friends. Yeah there were plenty of sleepovers after I was done working
on the weekends. I was still at Kroger along with Charles, and we had even both
been promoted to cashier. Whoopidy-doo! Unfortunately Charles and I didn’t
have any classes together, though we all took the same ones; so the only time
I’d see him would be at lunch, in between classes, or at work.
Christmas was sneaking up on me and during the first week of December I got a
phone call from Don. He had finished his finals for the quarter and was home
for a whole month. God, I couldn’t wait for college myself. I could seriously
look forward to four weeks of vacation, instead of the two that you normally get
in high school.
Anyway, all of the things that Alan and I talked about that night in his
backyard sort of went out the window. I could feel a pull towards Don that was
unmistakable. Suddenly I’d reverted back to how I felt the previous summer and
Alan went on the back burner. Or at least the middle burner. I was really
excited that Don called me but I could feel an inner struggle the whole time we
talked. I’m sure you already know what that struggle was: Don or Alan. It
seemed that Don was winning. And all it took was a phone call. Was I
weak-kneed or what? I had no idea then, but that struggle would plague me for
years.
I don’t really know what was still drawing me to Don. Actually I should correct
that. After all this time I do, in fact, know. He was the first guy that I
loved and I couldn’t shake the feeling. It really made me feel like shit being
around Alan and feeling that way. I think he sensed something because he went
into sort of a somber mood when he found out that Don was back in town. I guess
it’s really hard to hide a crush that you have on someone and I suppose I was
like an open book to Alan.
I had to work on Christmas Eve until 6:00 when the store was supposed to close,
and Kroger was a madhouse. The entire time I was working the lines from the
cash registers stretched at least halfway down the grocery aisles, so how
anybody who wasn’t in line did any shopping was beyond me. The lines never let
up, but finally around 3:30 I was able to take a break. The lines for the
express lanes were about twenty-five minutes long so I went to another grocery
store in the strip mall where there were absolutely no lines. I bought a
Snickers bar and a Coke then headed back to the Kroger Deli to eat it. As I did
I passed all of those people in the express lanes and mumbled out loud, “There
are no lines at Big Star.” A few customers laughed but everyone stayed where
they were. I guess they thought I was kidding.
Don still worked at Kroger during this Christmas break and he was coming off of
his break as I was going onto mine. I’d asked him if he wanted to come to
Midnight Mass with my family but he wasn’t sure, because Carl was also in town
and they might be doing something together that evening; maybe he might head
over to Carl’s. In other words, he couldn’t make up his mind so I was the
second best thing to do if his plans fell through with Carl. I see this now,
after nineteen years, but back then I was like a puppy following his master’s
bone. I told him that I’d come by his house around 10:00 that night and see
what he’d decided. How pathetic.
My break ended and it was back to the maddening Christmas rush. I was so busy
that I couldn’t even catch a breath. Why do people wait until Christmas Eve to
buy a turkey or a ham? Or all the fixin’s? Criminy! Around 5:30 I glanced up
from the ten millionth item that I’d scanned that day and saw the human package
come in the door. I couldn’t help but smile and nod my head.
“Hey bud, what’re you doin’ here? Last minute shoppin’?” I asked.
“Yeah, but I ran up to Big Star to pick up some wrapping paper and tape,” Alan
said. “D’you know there are no lines there?”
I turned to the people in my line. “See, I told you so.” The ones nearby just
gave me a blank look and I went back to my scanning. “So what’s up, man?”
“Nothin’. Just wanted to know when your family was goin’ to church.”
Coincidentally, Don, Alan and myself all attended the same church.
Oh crap. “We’re doin’ Midnight Mass. What about y’all?”
“Same. Want me to pick you up?”
Fuck. I turned and looked back at Don who was two registers behind me. He
glanced up, saw Alan and nodded.
“Um. I might be goin’ with Don. Or he might be goin’ with us, I’m not sure.”
Alan looked a little puzzled. “Oh. Okay. Well, I was right here and thought
I’d ask. I guess I’ll see you later.” I could tell that my reaction had
bothered him, and why wouldn’t it. My reaction was basically the same as Don’s
was to me: Sure, if I don’t have other plans. Did I see this then? No,
because I was such a shmendreck. Do I see it now, as I’m writing this? Oh God
yes. I was just in my own little Don-world again and was blind to everything
else around me.
“I’ll see ya, then,” I said. Alan looked at me for a moment and then left.
That night after work I showered and got dressed for Mass. I told my parents
that I’d meet them at the church by 10:30. There’s a choral program at 11:00
before every Midnight Mass that we always went to, which is why we had to be
there so early. I drove over to Don’s house and saw Carl’s van in the
driveway. Not good. I should’ve seen it as a premonition and kept on going.
Of course Don couldn’t go to church with me because he was doing something with
Carl after all. I was hurt and pissed but had I been thinking like an adult
instead of a dopey seventeen year old I wouldn’t have gone over to his house in
the first place.
But I wasn’t an adult. I was that dopey seventeen year old. I felt hurt and
was pissed as I stormed out, slamming the front door when I left. I got to the
church, which was already crowded, and found my folks sitting in a pew and
holding a spot for me. I looked around a bit and saw Alan with his family in
the next section, a few rows up. He and his brother were talking and laughing
about something, then his brother saw me. It was always kind of odd for me
whenever I was over at their house because at the time Alan’s family didn’t know
that he was gay. His brother had heard rumors about me, from Don (again,
something I ignored out of sheer immaturity), and wasn’t really outwardly
hostile to me. He was just sort of, I don’t know, always watching me. Anyway,
his brother spotted me and sort of sneered my way. This caused Alan to turn
around and see what he was looking at.
He waved as I walked up to the pew where he was sitting. There were no seats
around and the church was filling up fast. I knew that I was going to sit with
my parents but had hoped that he and I could sit together.
“Keller not here?” he asked.
“Nope, couldn’t make it.”
“You gonna be okay?” his brother snickered.
I gave him a look that said, ‘what the shit?’ and then Alan elbowed him in the
ribs. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Oh well,” I said. “Just wanted to
come over and say hi. Merry Christmas y’all,” I said to his family. I went
back and sat next to my folks. Mr. Dam, Mrs. Dam and the whole Dam family, as
my grandmother used to say. I sat on the edge, on the outside of the family,
next to the aisle. I was really disappointed because Don wasn’t there. I
hadn’t seen him in months, and finally when I did he was hanging around that
vapid, empty-headed individual, Carl. How was my friendship not better than
Carl’s? I wondered. Don was always complaining, or always complained, about how
unreliable Carl was, how much of a dickhead he was, and yet he still hung out
with the guy. I, on the other hand, was very dependable and was a nice guy.
Why would he chose Carl over me, especially after hardly seeing each other since
school started?
After Mass was over everyone slowly made their way out of the church. “Paul!” I
heard Alan call out. I turned around. Man, he looked fine in a coat and tie.
I didn’t really notice before because he was sitting down. What a good lookin’
guy he was. Is.
I smiled when I saw him. “Hey man what’s up?” We did our little handshake,
which was basically a sideways high-five, then made a fist and bumped the top
and bottom of our fists, then pressed the knuckles together. A simple “hand
thing.” How and when we came up with this I don’t remember, it just seems like
we’ve always done it.
“Dude, I wanna come by tomorrow. I have something for you,” Alan said.
“No sh-“ I remembered where I was. “No kidding? You didn’t have to do that.
But that’s cool ‘cause I got something for you too.”
“You did?” he looked surprised. Actually I didn’t. I had bought a really nice
sweater for Don and quickly decided to give it to Alan. I mean, I didn’t want
to be a dick and not have something for him if he was giving something to me.
Martha Stewart would be proud.
“Yeah man. I’ll call you in the morning, sometime after we do our shpiel.”
Just then my parents came up.
“Alan!” my dad said. “Merry Christmas!”
“You too, Mr. Lyons,” he said, flashing his dimpled smile that I soooo loved to
kiss. “Mr. And Mrs. Lyons, these are my parents, Ben and Allison. And my
brother Steve.” Everyone made their rounds of ‘hellos’ and ‘howdy-dos’.
Looking back it seems funny how relaxed it was for The Parents to meet. His
family also met my brothers and grandmother who were just coming out of the
church. After talking for a minute we all bid our farewells and went on home.
A part of me wished that I was going to Don’s. Another part of me wished that
Alan was coming home with me.
* * * *
Christmas Day was a flurry of activity in our house. At least in the morning.
We always ate our meal in the early afternoon and I knew that Alan’s family ate
theirs on Christmas Eve. I called him late in the morning and invited him over
to give him his sweater; or should I say Don’s sweater. Oh well. When he came
over my parents asked how his family was, oh it was so nice to meet them, all
the typical bullshit. I went to the tree and pulled a still-wrapped box from
beneath it, handing it to Alan.
My mom said, “I thought that was Don’s.” Thanks Mom.
“Nope, it’s for Alan,” I said.
“But I thought that the tag said ‘Don’ on it.”
Oh crap. “I just must’ve mis-written it, that’s all. No big whup,” I said.
Alan just laughed and handed me a small box. “I hope these are the earrings
that I’ve been asking for,” I said and Mom and Alan just laughed, then she
headed out to the kitchen to do whatever she does on Christmas Day.
I had bought the sweater at Macy’s and it was black with two broad blue stripes
going across the front. It looked really good on him, especially with his hazel
eyes. I opened the box he gave me and looked in.
“Oh man! Awesome!” I said, pulling the brushed silver watch out. The face was
sort of cobalt blue and had two smaller dials in addition to the actual watch
face itself that had the dates on one and a compass on the other. “This is,
like, so friggin’ cool. Thanks man!” I looked to see if anyone was near the
living room, then I gave him a quick, silent kiss. He was beaming. “I’ve never
seen a watch with a compass.”
“That’s so you’ll always know which direction you’re going.”
“Well, I guess you’re sitting north of me,” I said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because the arrow’s pointing to you.” I thought about this for a second and
then looked up at him. He smiled and raised his eyebrows at me. I laughed and
put the watch on, then we did our “hand shake thing” and headed into the den to
watch whatever football game was on.
My folks really like Alan, which was cool since we hung out so much. I sat in
the kitchen yentering with Mom and Grandma as they finished making dinner; Alan
was in the adjoining den with my dad and brothers. Over the past couple of
months he had slipped into my family as if he’d always lived with us. Alan is
basically a really good guy who never really meets a stranger. Today we’d say
something really stupid like, “he fits in his own skin.” Whatever. He’s just a
really nice guy and people feel comfortable around him. He could talk sports
with my dad, which I couldn’t because I’m such a retard in that area, or he
could just blab away with my mom; they both really liked him. And not once did
Mom ask me if I did drugs with him.
The rest of Christmas break I pretty much only saw Don at work. Carl was in
town so Don was never really available. But I was still the puppy, hanging on
every word and hope that he’d start hanging out again like we had months
before. The one thing bad about puppies is that it takes them a long time to
figure things out for themselves.
* * * *
Our last weekend of Christmas break myself, Alan, Deanna and her friend Tammy
went to go see the movie “Stand By Me.” It had already been out for a while so
we had to hunt down a theater that still was showing it. Finally we found one
not too far from Northlake Mall and made the drive out there, which was about a
half hour away. The theater was actually pretty packed and we had to sit up
near the front.
I must say that I absolutely love that movie. Y’all know what it’s about so I
won’t go into it. I was surprised that such a great movie could come from short
story. Gotta love Stephen King. Anyway, I was doing fine up until the scene
near the end where the ‘writer’ in the story lets the audience know what happens
to the main characters after they were grown. I was doing alright until he
started describing how River Phoenix’s character died trying to break up a bar
fight.
That was it for me. I didn’t lose it then, at the theater, but I had this
enormous lump in my throat. Here are four kids who have this great
relationship, something monumental happens in it, then they all grow up and go
their separate ways; one guy ends up dying, of course the one who reminds me the
most of Don and how close he and I once were. I was okay until the drive home.
I couldn’t keep the tears from streaming down my face. I was so filled with
sadness and just plain grief because I really felt that I was missing so much,
now that Don was off living his own life. For some reason the story in the
movie seemed to parallel that of my own life. Nobody in the car really talked
that much; I guess I made them uncomfortable with all of my crying. But I
didn’t start boo-hooing, just sniffing and wiping my eyes. For friggin’
twenty-five minutes we rode home like that. Halfway home I had to turn on the
radio just to bring some sort of joy into the car.
Right before I dropped Alan home I tried to make jokes to alleviate the
situation, and it seemed to work a bit. We were all laughing and I even started
joking about my reaction to the movie. They all got a kick out of that. So I
dropped Alan and then Tammy off at their houses. As I pulled up to Deanna’s
house I threw the car into park.
“So, wanna talk?” she asked.
I looked up and shook my head a bit. “Oh God, that movie just hit me right
here,” and I tapped at my heart.
“I mean, it was good and all, but to cry over it?” she laughed.
“It just made me think of Don, that’s all. I mean at one time we were really
great friends. Closer than brothers, or close as brothers, I should say. Then
once he left…I just don’t get it.”
She sat there, saying nothing. That was exactly what I needed though. Silence.
“I just thank God for Alan,” I said.
“Y’all are getting pretty close, huh.”
I nodded. “I’ve never been good in the friends department-“
“Oh bullshit,” she interrupted.
“I haven’t.”
“You idiot, you know more people than I do.” I pondered that for a minute.
“Yeah, but I don’t feel like real friends with them. It’s not often that I feel
comfortable with someone. Comfortable enough to not even talk. Does that make
sense?”
“I think so.”
“Well, with you and Alan, it’s like if two of us are in the same room or hangin’
out or whatever, we don’t always have to talk to fill in the void. It’s
like…how do I say it… we don’t get uncomfortable if nobody’s talking,
thinking that something needs to be said or spoken.”
“Ahh. Gotcha.”
“Don and I were that way, now he’s gone.”
“So what’s your problem?”
I sat there thinking of that. What was my problem, exactly? I had lots of
friends that I hung out with all the time. I also had Deanna and Alan who were
at the time my closest friends. “I guess I’m missing something that I can’t
have?”
“Yeah. Now why don’t you try concentrating on the things that you do have.
Because you being miserable sucks. Plus I hate seeing people feel sorry for
themselves.” We both laughed at that. “Concentrate on your friendship with
Alan.”
Deanna had no idea about Alan and I. Hell, nobody did. We’d even double date,
take the girls home, then spend some pretty nice alone time together.
“But we’re graduating soon and he’s still a junior,” I said, referring to she
and I being seniors.
“So. You going to Budapest anytime soon?”
“No,” I snorted. “But still-“
“Still nothing. Just be his friend, dumbass.”
“That’s what I thought would happen with Don,” I told her.
“Don, shmon. Enough with him already! If you wanna have friends keep
concentrating on the ones you have. They come and go babe. Get used to it.”
Leave it to Deanna to tell me like it is. Like I always knew it deep down
inside. “Don didn’t turn out to the be greatest friend to you. So what.
You’re seventeen for cryin’ out loud. You’ll have more friends.”
I sat there and looked out the window. “What about Alan?”
“What do you want from him?”
“I want to stay friends,” I said.
“Then goddammit, just be his friend. Don’t puss-out on me.”
I died laughing. “Chick, you got one helluva way with words.”
“Well?” she said. “If you want something different with Alan than you have, or
had, with Don, then you have to do something different.”
I looked down at the steering wheel and found that I was tapping my fingers
against it slowly, just as he had that night in front of his house. I smiled as
I realized that I had picked up one of his mannerisms.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
I nodded.
But she never spoke. I turned and looked up at her questioningly. “What?” I
asked.
“I…um…feel funny asking this....”
“You? Yeah right,” I laughed and she smiled.
“Are you…” She paused. Oh shit. Now I knew what was coming. I thought
about how I’d answer her before she even asked the question.
“Am I what,” I said.
She took a bit of a breath. “Are you gay?”
I started the car up again because we were getting cold, and cranked up the
heat. Why do people need to know which side a man’s bread is buttered on? It’s
not like she was going to ask me out. Or hell, maybe she was.
“Why do you ask?” still tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.
“Well, you hang out with Alan a lot. I mean, y’all are practically
inseparable. And now all of this. I mean, how many guys worry like you do
about other guy friendships.”
I shrugged my shoulders and lay my head against my window, feeling the cold of
the glass against my skull, my chin in my left hand. It’s funny how many deep
conversations are in cars, don’t you think?
“What if I am?”
“Oh hell, I don’t give a shit,” she said matter-of-factly. I died laughing at
that. “You’ll still be my bud.”
I smiled. “Yes Deanna, I am.” There it was said. Someone besides Alan knew.
And you know? The world didn’t stop revolving on it’s axis. I wasn’t exactly
shouting it out, mind you, but I actually felt better about myself after I told
her.
She just nodded in response.
“Can you keep this to yourself, please?” I asked.
“Oh hell, you don’t have to worry about that. I know when to keep my mouth
shut.”
“Sometimes,” I laughed.
“Yep,” she smiled.
Suddenly for some reason I felt closer to Deanna than to my own family. I
hadn’t shared with them about that part of my personal life. Obviously Alan
knew, and now Deanna.
“You know somethin’, gal. I don’t know how long you and I will remain friends-“
“Oh Jesus,” she said.
“Hush now.”
“Paul, we’re not even graduated yet.”
“Just shut up and listen, wench,” and she laughed. “I don’t know if we’ll be
friends after high school or what, but you’ll always be in my heart as the first
person I’ve ever told. I’ll always remember that. It’s important because it
means I’ve feel like I can be totally honest with you. I don’t allow that to
happen a whole lot.”
“Does Alan know?” she asked.
I lied and shook my head ‘no.’ “I wouldn’t want it to ruin our friendship.”
Actually I was just concerned about his reputation. I didn’t want word getting
out that one of the star football players also liked playing tonsil hockey with
guys, or even that he hung out with a guy who did. There’s no telling what kind
of shit he’d have to endure if that were made public. Not that I didn’t trust
Deanna, I just thought that if he wanted to tell someone about himself then it
was up to him, not me.
“Why would it ruin the friendship?”
“Well, what if he thought I was starting to fall in love with him? What if he
started to think there were more to my intentions that just being a friend?” As
I was saying this I started to realize how I was really feeling about Alan.
Yeah we made out and ground crotches a lot (albeit still fully clothed) but it
was during my talk with Deanna that I started to think that I had more than just
the hots for Alan; more than just really enjoying his friendship. Over the past
couple of months I had started to develop some really solid feelings for him.
But then shit, we were just kids when you think about it. I thought I knew what
love was. Dammit, this was all so confusing.
“Do you think he’d really make that leap?” she asked.
“I don’t know, but I don’t want to find out. I’m thinking this is the sort of
thing one keeps private.” Deanna laughed at that. “Well?” I said, mocking
her. I sighed. “Well chick, thanks for listening.”
“Hey, anytime Paul. I’m always here for you.”
I smiled at her. “Gimme a hug.” I thought she’d strangle me, as tight as she
held onto me. “Um. Can’t breathe!” I gasped.
“You know Paul, I love you, no matter what,” she said, sitting back in her seat.
“Love you too, gal,” I said.
“Well, go home and tell your parents you’re gay!” We both laughed at that.
“Call me if you need me, hun.” She opened the door and got out.
“I will.”
“G’night.”
“See ya, Deanna.”
She closed the door and I watched until she went inside and flipped off the
light. What a gentleman I was. I headed home and started thinking about
telling my parents. I know that she was only joking when she said it but I
figured what if she was onto something? I had a feeling of enormous trust that
I had gained in telling her. Maybe things would work out as well with my
parents.
What to do, what to do, dammit!
Merry Fuckin’ Christmas. I’m gay! You still makin’ black eyed peas for the New
Year’s Eve dinner Mom? Oye vey.
And how should I handle Don. Well that one was easy to answer. I wouldn’t
handle him. He’d pretty much left me and our friendship by the way. I don’t
want to sound dramatic. We were still good acquaintances, still friends; it
just had changed in depth or intensity. I needed the maturity to accept it and
go on. I didn’t have to remain as ‘brothers’ with him as I used to be. I, too,
had to leave that phase of our friendship by the way.
I pulled up to my house and looked at it, still lit up brightly for Christmas.
The miniature lights were all over the shrubs and we had some floodlights aimed
at the wreaths in the windows, their red bows trailing down and fluttering in
the cold wind. As I got out of the car I noticed that the air was really hazy,
or so it seemed at first. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Snow! It was snowing!
Not a common sight in the Atlanta area. I’ve always loved snow because it
reminded me of when I was a little kid in New York. I always had a nostalgic
feeling when it snowed. It always made me feel like life was renewing itself
and I was getting another chance.
I didn’t give it a shitload of thought but I knew that I could do this. Do
what, you ask? I could tell my mom and dad that I was gay. How I’d do it was
beyond me. I just knew that I really needed to feel like I could completely
trust them and the only way to do that was to risk being open and honest.
I stepped onto the front porch and could feel a major part of my life, my old
life, falling by the way as I slid the key into the lock. I was determined to
leave immaturity and uncertainty behind me. It was time to grow up and make
some adult decisions, even though I wasn’t quite an adult.
I was ready to see what it would be like to open myself up and love Alan. Again
the drama, I know; but hey, I was seventeen. We were good at being friends; we
were great at making out. Would we be good at trying more? Would we be good at
being, what, boyfriends? How would that work? Man, there was so much unknown
that I was facing, that he and I might be facing together. I needed to talk to
him. But I needed to talk to my parents first. I couldn’t open myself up to
him if I couldn’t open up to them first.
I stepped into the house and closed the door behind me. I felt like I was at
another change in eras in my life, only this time I welcomed the change. I
would embrace it and live for the opportunities that it would afford me.
My old life was on the other side of that door. I walked into the den where Mom
and Dad were sitting watching television. My brothers weren’t home and Grandma
was upstairs in her room.
“Mom and Dad, can we talk?”
And so began the new phase in my life. An older and a little bit less mature
phase was still outside in the falling snow. The new one I was welcoming -- the
old one I had cast by the way.
* * * * * * * * * * * *