Someday Out Of the Blue

By LittleBuddhaTW

Special thanks to Kitty (PiscesRising) from GayAuthors.org for editing!

CHAPTER 16: RECOVER YOUR SOUL

"So what do you think your dream meant? What was your subconscious trying to tell you?" the doctor asked, leaning back in his chair and eyeing me thoughtfully.

"I really don't know," I sighed, already having answered this same question at least half a dozen times.

"Don't you want to figure that out?" he prodded.

"Yes, I need to know," I answered firmly. I just wished I could figure it out. That was the problem. If I had any clue what it had meant, I would have told him.

"Dreams can be a tricky thing," he continued. "Some people think they don't mean much of anything, while others think they unlock the door to our deepest fears and the feelings we can't acknowledge during ordinary waking hours. We can analyze what the symbols in your dream may have meant, but you'll have to decide on your own how you want to use that information to help in your healing process."

I just nodded absently. My healing process ...

It had been nearly a month after that dream, in which my dead mother had come back to life, kidnapped Toby, and tried to kill both of us. And here I was, sitting in my shrink's office. I had been to several therapists over the course of the month but hadn't liked any of them. We finally found Dr. Frazier, and for some reason I felt more comfortable opening up to him. I told him about my life with my mother, the beatings, meeting Ryan, the rape ... everything. It was the first time I had told my life story in its entirety to anyone, and just doing that felt like an enormous burden was lifted off my shoulders.

Dr. Frazier's office wasn't at all what I expected a psychiatrist's office to look like. For one, it was brightly lit, and there were no antique mahogany furniture, no walls lined with massive tomes on various psychological disorders, and no leather couch. Instead, I sat on a comfy, upholstered sofa, and Dr. Frazier -- who actually did look like the stereotypical psychiatrist, with long, unruly salt and pepper hair and a large beard -- sat in a chair opposite me, holding a legal pad which he used occasionally to take notes.

That night when I had woken up from the nightmare about my mother, screaming, crying, and shaking, I had ended up waking everyone in the house. It took some anxiety medication from Maggie, and both Ryan and Toby holding me tightly, to get me to calm down. But I wouldn't tell them what the dream was about. It was then that Maggie decided that getting me into therapy was a top priority.

It was now the end of February, and during the past month, I hadn't experienced the dream again, although what meaning it held continued to haunt me, and I found myself becoming more and more protective of Toby and clingy with him. I always insisted that he invite Cody to stay at our house rather than going to Cody's place (using the excuse that I wanted to hang out with my friend, too, which wasn't entirely untrue). I also spent a lot more time cuddling with Toby. Ryan never questioned me about it, and I hoped he just thought I was trying to be a good "brother."

Something else that I had recently noticed, but perhaps should have picked up on sooner, was that while I had been making a valiant effort to get to know Ryan's friends better, he seemed to be neglecting them a bit. Sure, he talked with everyone at lunch and hung out with them when it was all of us together, but it felt to me like he wasn't as close with his friends as before. I thought that was especially evident with Mikey, who before I came around had been Ryan's best friend. Other than when we'd gone to see Mikey after the "Van Epps Incident," Ryan and Mikey hardly ever talked or hung out together anymore.

I was a little surprised that I was worried about Ryan not spending enough time with his friends, because normally I would have been ecstatic that Ryan wanted to spend all of his time with just me. But for some reason, it didn't seem right that the rest of his friends had sort of been relegated to the back burner. I brought it up with Ryan once, but he brushed it aside, and no one else had complained, so I just decided to drop it.

On the bright side, Ryan had decided that he wanted to go out for the school's baseball team in the spring. That meant that I wouldn't see him after school when he had practice, but I was glad that he wasn't neglecting his other interests completely. Plus, I thought he'd look really hot in a baseball uniform, especially that cute butt of his. He'd tried to get Toby to try out for the team, too, but Toby scoffed at that idea, declaring that baseball was for "fags." Go figure.

Other than the dream thing, life had settled into a pretty nice routine at home. I'd never really had a routine before. Getting up and eating breakfast every day before school, having to work out the logistics of sharing the bathroom with Ryan and Toby to get ready for school, coming home and doing homework, having dinner as a family (although Maggie often worked late and couldn't join us for dinner), doing chores, and spending quality time together every evening and on the weekends. It was a strange feeling, but a good one. I finally felt like I belonged and that I was wanted. Being able to sleep with my incredibly sexy boyfriend every night was also an added bonus.

Toby and Cody were also getting along great. Each weekend when Cody spent the night, I could hear the unmistakable sounds of them fooling around, but Ryan and I didn't make the same mistake as before and kept quiet about it. There was one time, however, when Ryan walked into the bathroom, thinking that it was just Toby in the shower, but when he flung open the shower curtain to scare his brother, he found Cody on his knees with Toby's dick in his mouth. That incident definitely couldn't go by without a little teasing, but, surprisingly, Ryan seemed more embarrassed about it than either Toby or Cody.

As for Mikey and Dominic, that was a big mystery. Dominic continued to sit with us at lunch, and I saw them walking together in the halls at school, but Dominic still wasn't talking much, and Mikey didn't have anything to say about it either, even when Ryan and I attempted to interrogate him. I figured it wasn't any of our business, though, and maybe this time we should just keep our noses out of it.

The other thing that the end of February meant was that my birthday was right around the corner, at the beginning of March. I was going to be sixteen, and I was pretty sure that my family and friends had something special planned. I felt a little bad about that, because I'd found out shortly after I'd "officially" moved in with them that Toby had celebrated his fifteenth birthday while I was at their house recovering, and they hadn't even told me.

"Connor, are you still with me?" Dr. Frazier asked, breaking me away from my reminiscing.

"Oh ... uhhh ... yeah ... just thinking ... where were we?" I stuttered, a little embarrassed to be caught daydreaming again.

"What does Toby mean to you?" he asked.

"Ummm ... I love him," I replied, not sure how else to describe what I felt for Toby. "But what does that have to do with my dream?"

"Well, don't you think it's interesting that it was Toby who was kidnapped by your mother and not Ryan?" he continued.

"I never thought about that, I guess," I answered.

"In one word, how would you describe Toby?" he asked. "What one trait of his sticks out the most in your mind when you think about him?"

I had to think about that one for a minute. Sweet? Cute? Sexy? Cheeky?

"Innocent," I replied.

"Why would you choose that word? You led me to believe that Toby was much more experienced sexually than you," the doctor said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, he's not innocent in that way. But, I mean, I still see him as a kid, I guess. He's never been exposed to the kind of life I had to live. He's always had people around who loved him and took care of him," I replied. I didn't see why the doctor was harping on my choice of the word "innocent" to describe Toby. Wasn't the point why Toby was in the dream and not Ryan?

"And how did you feel when you saw him tied up and beaten in your dream?" he asked.

"I wanted to protect him. I wanted to save him," I answered.

"So Toby represents 'innocence,' and you were trying to protect that. How does that sound?" he suggested.

"Huh?"

"Just think about that for a while," he said.

I wasn't totally sure what he was getting at ... or maybe I was. But there was something else specific about the dream that had been bothering me. It seemed so ridiculous and out of place that it had to hold some kind of meaning.

"Why did my mom have a penis in my dream?" I asked.

"Well, that's not too difficult if you think about it, Connor," the doctor said, pushing his glasses back up on his nose with his index finger. "What happened that night ... actually, not just that night, but the past six years ... who was it that was 'raping' you? The physical act was done by that man, but it was your mother who basically gave you to him, and she was the one who abused you all those years. The penis is a classical symbol of power, and that represented the power she held over you. What do you think about that?"

"Yeah, that makes sense, I guess." It did kind of make sense. This whole dream analysis thing was kinda creepy.

"So, how are things going with Ryan?" he asked.

"Great," I answered. "He's the best boyfriend in the world."

"And how about your sex life? Any problems there?"

Hmmm ... this is starting to get a little personal, isn't it?

"It's awes ... errr ... it's fine," I replied, blushing.

"How far have you two gone sexually?" He continued prodding, much to my chagrin.

"Uhhh ... like ... ummm ... kissing, cuddling ... and ... uhhh ... oral sex," I stammered, blushing an even deeper shade of red and fidgeting in my seat.

"What about anal intercourse?" the doctor asked. I couldn't believe he could talk about that kind of stuff so matter-of-factly, and with a straight face.

"We ... ummm ... haven't done that yet," I answered, feeling the sudden urge to jump up from the sofa and get the hell out of there. I guess I hadn't been expecting this particular line of questioning ... although maybe I should have.

"And how do you feel about anal sex?"

"I ... uhhh ... guess I'd like to try it," I answered quietly, glancing up barely long enough to see that the doctor's expression was completely neutral.

"Do you think you could handle that, Connor? I would expect that to be a sensitive issue, considering your rape and what you described to me about what happened with Toby that day back in January."

"I want to. I mean, he's my boyfriend ... and I trust him. I think I'm ready for it," I replied, trying to sound more confident.

"Just because you've physically healed down there doesn't mean you're emotionally ready for it," the doctor began. "If you decide to take that step, make sure you are ready for it, and not just because you think Ryan wants to or you feel some sort of obligation."

It wasn't really about Ryan at all. He'd never once asked me about doing that. But I was curious. I wanted to do it. I needed to do it. I wanted to show him that I trusted him and loved him. Ryan wasn't that man, so I didn't see how he could possibly make me feel uncomfortable. I also needed to prove something to myself. I think that was the most important thing.

I'd tried touching myself "down there" in the time since the incident with Toby, and it hadn't made me feel uncomfortable at all. I had even eventually let Ryan apply my "ass cream," without getting that strange feeling I got when Toby did it. So I figured I was ready for it. I just had to think of a way to bring it up with Ryan. I mean, I didn't quite feel comfortable just blurting out, "Hey, Ryan, stick your cock up my ass!"

"I know," I replied. "I'll think about it."

I didn't actually plan on thinking about it too much, though. I was afraid that if I did, I'd either have second thoughts or it would lead me to start thinking about other things that I'd been trying to push out of my mind. I just needed to do it and move on with my life. It was as simple as that.

"Good," the doctor said, making a few final notes on his notepad. "I also want to slightly decrease the dosages on your medications. I'd like you to be able to think and feel a little more clearly and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, then we can increase the dosage again. If it does work, we can continue to gradually decrease the dosages as you progress, although not too quickly."

I nodded my consent. That sounded good to me. I wanted to know what I was really feeling, too, without all of that medication getting in the way. But at the same time, I was worried that I would suddenly freak out and go crazy. I was afraid that over the past couple of months, it had been only the medication that kept me from going insane like Eleanor Van Epps. And I didn't think it would be too cute if I went running around the school naked, talking in tongues and drooling or something. Definitely not a great way to win friends and influence people.

 

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My birthday just so happened to fall on a Saturday, and I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. Supposedly, Ryan was taking me out to lunch at a nice restaurant and then to a movie, which would be followed by a quiet family dinner at home. I wasn't as stupid as I may have seemed, though, and I could tell that something was up.

It was just little things, like how Toby looked nervous when I asked if he wanted to go out with Ryan and me, or when I specifically asked if we could have a couple of friends come over, and Maggie seemed to take a few extra moments to stutter out something about it being my first birthday with them and wanting it to be just for "family." But I decided to play along, not wanting to ruin their fun. Plus, if I announced that I had figured out their little plot to throw me a surprise party, and I was wrong, then I'd really look like an ass.

I also had to admit that it was very sweet of them to go to all that trouble. But not having celebrated my birthday since my grandmother died, I really had no desire to do so, other than to humor my boyfriend and new family. To me, it was just another day.

It was shortly after three o'clock Saturday afternoon when Ryan and I pulled up in front of the house, and I was a little surprised that there weren't any other cars out front. Maybe they hadn't planned anything for me after all. There was no one inside the house, either. No one jumping out from behind the sofas or popping out of the closet and yelling "Surprise!" I found myself feeling a little disappointed. Maybe I really did want the extra attention.

But when we got to the kitchen and I looked out through the sliding glass door, I noticed a fairly large number of people out in the backyard having a barbecue, and there were balloons, a cake, and a bunch of presents laid out on a picnic table.

"Happy birthday, Connor," Ryan said from behind me, wrapping his arms around me. "I love you, baby."

"Wow ... a surprise party ... for me!" I exclaimed, trying to sound surprised.

Ryan spun me around to look at me, giving me a sharp glare.

"You knew, didn't you?" he asked.

I just blushed.

"Damn you, Connor," he chuckled. "At least act like you're surprised when you go out there, okay?"

"I'll try," I giggled.

As we walked out through the sliding glass door, everyone shouted, "Happy Birthday, Connor!" as expected. I was surprised to find a lump in my throat as I looked around and saw what they had done for me. I mean, I knew they cared about me, even loved me, but it was still hard to get used to, a little overwhelming. And there was still a small part of me that thought maybe I didn't deserve everything they'd given me.

They had set up a couple of large picnic tables that were covered with all kinds of food, from big bowls of chips and pretzels to several different salads. There were also balloons and streamers tied down to anything that could keep them from flying away in the slight breeze, and a nice-sized pile of presents.

All of our friends were there, as well as some kids I recognized from Toby's swim team and Ryan's lacrosse team. I was even a little surprised to see that Mikey had come, knowing that both Toby and Cody would be there. But Dominic was noticeably absent, which was a little disappointing. It would have been cute to see him and Mikey flirting with each other.

I got big hugs from all of our friends (and kisses on the cheek from Toby, Cody, Maggie, and the girls), and hand slaps or pats on the back from the guys I didn't know too well. Normally, I would have felt uncomfortable around a bunch of people I hardly knew, but today I actually felt pretty relaxed. Even after the doctor had decreased the dose of my medication, I still felt better than I ever had, for the most part. It was a new feeling for me. But I kept wondering if it was really me feeling that way, or if it was just the drugs.

Not feeling so nervous or self-conscious was a very foreign feeling, and it was a little hard getting used to. It wasn't like I was suddenly out-going and completely laid back like Toby or Cody, but I felt a lot different from the way I had just a month or so ago. It hadn't happened overnight, but was a gradual, subtle change. Maybe I really was going to be all right after all.

Even though it was early March and the weather was a little cool, it was still a nice, sunny day. Most of the boys, including myself, played football for a while, and when I took a break from the game, Delcondris decided to become my personal nutritionist. Even though I'd already eaten lunch with Ryan, I managed to eat a couple hamburgers and a hot dog, which Delcondris practically had to force feed me since he said I needed to "bulk up." He had been trying to convince me to work out with him in the mornings, and I had told him I would think about it, but I just wasn't interested in waking up that early to run myself ragged. I totally didn't get people like that who were workout freaks.

Once I managed to break away from Delcondris' speech about "reps" and "feeling the burn," I walked over to Mikey, who was sitting by himself under a tree in the corner of the fenced-in yard.

"What's up, Mikey?" I asked, as I approached him.

"Not much. Just chillin'," he replied. "Happy birthday, again."

"Thanks," I said with a smile. "So why are you over here all by yourself? You're starting to act like me now."

"I don't really feel like getting tackled by the jocks, and I've already had enough to eat. Nothing else to do, really," he answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm sorry about that. You want some company?" I asked, nodding toward the spot on the grass next to him.

"Sure, why not?" he answered, although he didn't sound very enthusiastic.

"So, why isn't Dominic here?" I asked, plopping down next to Mikey.

"I dunno," he answered.

"Aren't you two like dating or something?" I asked. I was curious to find out what the deal between the two of them was. I mean, they were obviously interested enough in each other to be found making out in the janitor's closet, so you'd think there had to be something there.

"No," he replied curtly. "We're just friends."

"Aren't you interested in him?" I continued prodding.

"He's very cute and sweet, I guess," he said, shrugging. "I mean, he drove me home from school that day that Eleanor Van Epps flipped out, and before I went inside, he told me that I could call him if I wanted to talk about anything. He even wrote his phone number in the dirt beside the driveway. I thought that was really adorable. But I just don't feel ready to date anyone seriously right now, and I wouldn't want to hurt him."

I was about to ask if Toby had anything to do with that, but I realized that might be pushing things a bit too far, so I came up with the next best response I could think of.

"Oh."

We sat there in a slightly awkward silence for a few minutes, watching the other boys jumping around and having fun playing ultimate frisbee. I was a little surprised to see that even Cody was playing. He didn't seem like the type to enjoy sports that much, but he appeared to be having a good time. The only one who I noticed wasn't playing was Toby, which was definitely a shocker. He loved any kind of physical activity. But instead, he was sitting by himself at one of the picnic tables, and he didn't look so good. He looked really tired and pale -- well, redheads tend to be kind of on the pale side anyway, but he looked paler than usual. I figured it must be cold season or something.

After watching Ben trip over something and fall flat on his ass, I turned back to Mikey, who didn't seem interested in the game, or much of anything at all.

"Is there something else bothering you, Mikey?" I asked gently.

He sighed deeply. "Kind of."

"What is it?" I asked. "I've told you everything about me. It's my turn to listen now."

"I guess I'm just still really freaked out about this 'coming out' thing," he said quietly. "I'm scared my parents are gonna find out, or that I'm just gonna snap and say something sometime when they're making some nasty comment about gays, or something. My parents are so homophobic, it's not even funny. I can't even imagine what they'd do if they found out their son was gay."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I mean, I'd never worried about coming out, so I didn't know what was going on in his head right then. I hadn't met his parents, either. I didn't exactly know what they were like, or what he was worried they might do. So I did the only thing I could think of. I put my arm around his shoulder and pulled him in close to me. It surprised me a bit when he rested his head on my shoulder, but it was definitely a nice surprise. It made me hope that he realized that I really was his friend now, and that I'd do my best to be there for him. It kind of sucked that he didn't talk to Ryan about what was going on with him, though.

As the sun finally began to set, and the blue afternoon sky gave way to a beautiful deep orange, Maggie called all of us back over to the picnic tables for cake and opening my presents. As Ryan stood by my side, Maggie came back out of the house with the cake, topped with sixteen candles. I had to blink a few times to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me -- but the cake was shaped like a big penis, with pubic hair made out of chocolate shavings, and abnormally large testicles!

I instinctively looked over at Toby who, despite not looking his usual, boisterous self that day, was wearing his trademark shit-eating grin. Cody then pulled out his guitar and led everyone in the traditional "Happy Birthday" song, causing me to blush and bury my face in Ryan's shoulder. After that, everyone urged me to make a wish and blow out the candles -- although I could have sworn Toby said, "Blow the penis!" But as for my wish ... what should I wish for? Didn't I already have everything I'd always wanted? The only thing I could come up with was that everyone who I loved and cared about could be as happy as I was at that moment.

Once I'd made my wish and blown out the candles, we all dug into the cake. I was totally amused when Ryan helped me cut the cake to find that it was cream-filled. Even the straight boys didn't seem to mind eating a penis-shaped cake.

After we'd all had some cake, and Maggie had turned on the outside flood lights, it was time to open the presents. Most of them were things like gift certificates for CDs -- which I planned on using to replace all of my old cassette tapes -- and clothes. I was very thankful that nobody had gotten me anything "kinky," since Maggie was standing right there the whole time.

To say I was grateful for the presents would have been the understatement of the century. It was one thing to get something from Ryan, Toby, or Maggie, because they were my family now, and families were kind of obligated to do that kind of thing. But for everyone else, some of whom I barely knew, to get me a present, even it was just a ten dollar gift certificate for a CD, was just ... mind-numbing. I was starting to feel that it was all a bit too much.

Even though my grandmother had always celebrated my birthday and other holidays with me when I was a little kid, this was entirely different. All of these people were here to celebrate something for me. It wasn't like at school when I could tell myself they were just talking to me because Ryan or Toby was hanging around -- they'd all come here for my birthday party.

Perhaps the oddest gift was from Cody and his mom. It was an old black and white photograph in a nice wooden frame. Cody explained that it was a picture of Tsar Nicholas II, the last Tsar of Russia, and his family. He said that they had all been made saints by the Russian Orthodox church, and that they would look out for me if I hung the picture on my wall. Cody and his mom never ceased to keep me confused ... Buddhism, Native American spirituality, Christianity? What did they actually believe in? As for me, I didn't really believe in anything at all. But then I realized what Cody's answer would most likely be -- why should it matter?

I also got a Nokia cell phone from Toby, which he said was more for him than for me, so he could "keep track" of me. Funny ... wasn't it me who'd been trying to keep track of him? Needless to say, not being very savvy with technical stuff, and having never owned a cell phone before, I had no idea how to use it. So Toby just took it from me and passed it around to all of our friends so they could program their phone numbers into the address book. When they asked me what kind of "ring tone" I wanted, I just gave them all a blank look, causing them to chuckle. Eventually, Ryan explained it to me and said that he would download a cool Elton John ring tone from the Internet for me and teach me how to use the phone.

When all of the presents had been opened, Maggie asked us to follow her to the garage, which seemed a little odd to me. When she opened the garage door and turned on the light, I saw an unusually familiar sight -- one I hadn't seen since January. It was my mother's old car, which I had totally forgotten about since that day Maggie told me I had inherited it. But my mother's crappy old 1992 Dodge Spirit looked very different now. It had a shiny new beige paint job, and looked almost new.

Delcondris explained that he had a cousin who had an automotive shop, so they were able to get all of the repairs done at cost, and the bill for that had been footed by Maggie, Ryan, and Toby. He said that it had needed a new transmission, new brake pads, and the air-conditioning had to be repaired. But other than that, and the cosmetic stuff, it wasn't in that bad of a condition, and the mileage was pretty low. As I inspected the freshly cleaned interior, I also noticed that they had installed a CD player.

I was in almost total shock. As usual, I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged all of them, including Delcondris. Maggie told me that she would take me to get my driver's license and insurance the next time she had a day off. I was immediately thankful that she had put me through the two weeks of driver's ed at the beginning of February, even though I had complained then that I didn't have the need for a driver's license.

I probably looked like an idiot, gawking over the new used car I got, when most kids my age would have been pissed off that they hadn't gotten a new BMW or SUV; but I never would have thought I'd be able to have my own car.

As I was staring at my new toy in awe, Ryan pulled an envelope out of his jacket pocket and handed it to me.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's your final birthday present. Just open it," he said with a grin.

I had no idea what it could possibly be. I mean, could anything top getting a car on your sixteenth birthday? After looking at Ryan questioningly for a moment, I carefully opened the envelope and found two plane tickets inside -- to Las Vegas. Las Vegas? Why would we be going to Las Vegas? You had to be eighteen years old to gamble, and I wasn't sure what else there was to do in Las Vegas besides gambling, unless Ryan wanted to elope with me or something. But as far as I knew, gay marriages still weren't legal in Nevada. Plus, I thought we were a little too young for that.

"Ummm ... that's really sweet, Ryan. But ... uhhh ... what're we gonna do in Las Vegas? We can't gamble," I said.

"There's more in the envelope, Connor," Maggie jumped in.

I looked again and pulled out two smaller tickets. When I saw what they were, I almost fainted. They were two front-row tickets to see Elton John's show at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas -- "The Red Piano." I was stunned. This was all just ... too much. The party, the car, and tickets to see my idol, Elton John, live in concert. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would be able to get to see Elton John in concert, and we were going to fly all the way across the country to do it ... in Las Vegas!

My mouth kept opening and closing, but nothing was coming out. I was utterly and absolutely speechless. This couldn't really be happening to me. It had to be a dream. There was no other explanation for it. And what a cruel dream it was, because I would be totally devastated when I woke up, maybe more so than when I woke up from that nightmare with my mom.

"We're going during Spring Break, which is only about a month away," Ryan said as he rubbed my back, his touch reassuring me that I was really awake. "And I hope you can get your voice back by then, because I think you're supposed to scream a lot at concerts, especially if you're sitting in the front row."

I just stood there holding the tickets, staring at them, my hands trembling.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Maggie asked, concern evident in her voice.

"I ... I ... I ...," I stammered.

"I think he's just really happy," Ryan said with a grin. "Right, Connor?"

I nodded my head vigorously, while Ryan pulled me into a big hug and kissed me on the forehead.

"Well, that's good. Those tickets weren't cheap, so I hope you like them," Maggie chuckled.

I nodded again, still unable to find my voice. I couldn't think of anything else in the world I could possibly want. I was the luckiest teenager on the face of the earth.

"Maggie ... isn't this ... uhhh ... a bit much?" I finally managed to stutter out. Between the Christmas gifts they'd given me, taking me in, and now all of this, it bothered me a little that they had spent so much on me. I mean, this was definitely way beyond anything any "normal" teenager would get as gifts.

"Connor, honey, let's just consider this making up for all of the birthdays you've missed over the past several years," she said with a warm smile. "You definitely deserve it, and the money isn't an issue. I'm sure you've already noticed that Ryan and Toby are practically spoiled rotten, and you deserve to share in that, too."

Ryan and Toby both rolled their eyes at Maggie's "spoiled rotten" comment, but I was too giddy to even care. If she really wanted to spoil me a little bit, I wasn't going to complain!

Once I managed to pull myself out of my stupor, Maggie went inside to start washing dishes. While most of the kids started heading home, our close group of friends went to the backyard to sit around and chat some more, and polish off the rest of the penis-shaped cake. My only real contribution to the conversation, however, was to go into a lengthy discourse on the Yamaha "red piano" that was the namesake of Elton's series of shows in Vegas -- how unique it was, combining the look and sound of a real concert grand piano with all kinds of digitalized functions provided by computers installed on the inside of the piano, all of which could be controlled right from the keyboard. I'm sure no one else was interested, or had any idea what I was talking about, but I didn't care. I was going to see Elton John!

Toby was the first one to take his leave, announcing that he wasn't feeling well, which was pretty obvious. Cody asked if he wanted him to stay, but Toby insisted that he didn't want Cody to catch anything. So Ryan ended up driving Cody home, and the rest of the gang asked me to play something for them on my electric piano, which at that moment I was more than happy to do.

So, we all headed up to my room, and I ended up playing a long, gospel-soul rendition of "Philadelphia Freedom" and a song called "I Want To Be As Heavy As Jesus" from the little-known Broadway show More Than You Deserve; and then I did a duet with Natalie on Elton's classic "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." She really had an incredible voice, and I thought it would be fun to perform with her sometime. And even though she was a girl, I was still able to have fun and flirt with her during the song.

Although it was starting to get late, I wasn't feeling tired at all. But I was anxious for Ryan to hurry up and get back (and get everyone else to go home!) so I could properly thank him for the incredible birthday I'd just had ... the best one of my life!

 

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Once the last of the guests were finally gone and we'd done a reasonably good job of cleaning up, Ryan and I made a beeline for the bedroom. Sure, I'd been horny before ... hell, I was sixteen years old, so I was supposed to be horny. It was my job as a teenager. But I'd never been that horny before! All I could think about was my face buried in Ryan's crotch, and sucking him until I turned blue in the face.

Ryan had barely gotten the door closed before I was tugging at his clothes in a frenzy, trying to get them off. We somehow managed to make it to the bed, leaving a trail of clothes along the way, but not without nearly tripping over each other a few times and me almost biting poor Ryan's tongue off, as we tried to walk, strip, and kiss all at the same time. So much for multi-tasking!

As soon as we were on the bed and I'd managed to yank down his boxer-briefs, leaving them tangled around his ankles, I immediately dove down onto his hard cock. The way he started writhing and moaning loudly let me know that my skill had improved over the past few months. Before I knew it, Ryan had lifted me up and shifted me into a sixty-nine position, which was our favorite, and began returning the favor. I gasped when I felt his warm mouth close around my erection, as he started bobbing up and down furiously, running his tongue along the shaft as he sucked. The way he was working on my cock like a pro made it a toss up as to whether I preferred sucking him or getting sucked more.

I could tell Ryan was getting close as he started grunting more loudly and his hands began fiercely kneading my ass cheeks. However, before my mind had time to process what was happening, I suddenly felt a finger slip in between my cheeks and start rubbing at my hole. The next thing I realized, I'd jumped off of Ryan as though he'd just stuck me with a cattle prod, and I found myself on the floor gasping for air and shaking uncontrollably. Funnily enough, I didn't even consider what had just happened or why. I was more concerned that Ryan wouldn't go get Maggie, because I really didn't want her to see me sitting buck naked on the floor and wonder what had just been going on.

The next sensation I felt was Ryan's strong arms holding me tightly against his body, rocking me gently back and forth, and I just started bawling like a little baby. I was terrified, and at that moment, I didn't know why ... which scared me even more. I don't know how long we sat there on the floor with me crying my eyes out, but I eventually got myself under control and we got back into bed, where Ryan continued to hold me tightly.

He kept trying to get me to tell him what was wrong, but I wasn't so sure myself. I was starting to worry that he was going to think I was some kind of nutcase and decide to ditch me for someone a little more stable. He had to think it was rather odd that I could go from being so elated to being a sobbing wreck, lying on the floor, in a matter of seconds.

I wasn't able to sleep that night, even wrapped up in the warm embrace of my boyfriend. My mind was racing at a million miles a minute. The only thing I finally managed to figure out, after tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, was that I freaked out when Ryan touched me "back there." And there was really only one reason why that would freak me out. I'd really thought I was fine, but it took me by surprise, and I didn't like that at all.

Needless to say, I was very depressed on Sunday. I spent most of the day shut up alone in my room, trying to figure out what was going on in my head, and why I couldn't control my emotions or the way my own body reacted. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life living like that, in constant fear of having a breakdown, not knowing what little thing might trigger some kind of emotional reaction.

What pissed me off even more was that that man still had so much control over my life. I couldn't be with the boy I loved the way I wanted to be. Even though in my mind I thought I was ready, my body couldn't trust him the way it should. I always felt the safest when I was with Ryan, so I never imagined that him touching me could possibly make me freak out like that. He should be the last person on earth who could make me react that way. It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair. I had everything I wanted now, but he still had a hold over me, and even after two months, he wasn't letting go.

I ended up sitting at my electric piano, tinkering away at the keys, which I normally did when I was upset or deep in thought. I was determined that I wasn't going to let him control me like that anymore. I was going to fight back. It was my life and my body, not his. Without even realizing what I was doing, I had started to play the opening bars of Elton John's "I'm Still Standing." I was going to re-take control of my life, dammit, or die trying!

On Monday afternoon, right after school, I marched into Dr. Frazier's office with a newfound determination.

"I want my boyfriend to be able to fuck me," I declared as soon as I opened the door to his office.

Seeing the shocked look on the doctor's face, as opposed to the neutral expression he usually wore, told me that perhaps I might have been a bit too abrupt. But I wasn't in the mood to beat around the proverbial bush. I told him what happened and informed him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be "fixed" as soon as possible. Needless to say, I was disappointed when he told me that there was no quick fix to my little "problem," although he did suggest something that he called "progressive desensitization."

The doctor said that part of the problem was that I hadn't been expecting what happened, and it took me by surprise. So, Ryan and I should start practicing, beginning with him just touching me gently back there and seeing how that went, and very slowly progressing further and further. He didn't go into great detail as to what we were to progress to, but I think I got the picture. I was also supposed to remain conscious of exactly what was going on and what I was feeling, and to stop Ryan if I started to feel uncomfortable. And then the doctor and I would discuss my feelings during our appointments. I was definitely willing to give it a shot, even though I was afraid that this kind of "practice" would make love-making with my boyfriend feel more like a science experiment.

The first few nights of practice were difficult, with me instinctively jerking away as soon as Ryan touched me, even though he was exceedingly gentle and patient. Eventually, I got comfortable with him just touching me lightly, and we were able to move on to him gently rubbing around my hole. Once I got over my initial hesitation, it actually started to feel good.

After another week or so, when I was comfortable enough with that, Ryan then surprised me by replacing his finger with his tongue, gently lapping around my hole and tracing up and down my crack. The feeling I got from that was more about self-consciousness than fear, because I was afraid of not being clean enough and grossing him out or something. But I soon got over that when I realized how damn good it felt. That was also the first time since we had started our little "experiment" that it didn't feel like a school science project. We both really got into it, ending up lying on the bed next to each other, panting, and each of us with the other's cum dribbling down our chins.

One night toward the end of the month, Ryan brought a jar of Vaseline to bed with us. I started to get a little panicky, thinking he was all ready to "go for the gold," and I didn't think I was quite ready for that yet.

"Ummm ... Ryan ... I ... uhhh ... don't think I wanna do that yet," I stuttered. The past few weeks had been wonderful, but I hadn't expected him to want to go all the way quite so soon.

"Babe, that's not what I had in mind," he said gently, sitting down naked on the bed beside me and tenderly touching my face. "Just trust me, Connor. Do you think you're ready to do that yet?"

I just nodded dumbly, lost in the entrancing stare of his deep green eyes.

I watched him as he removed the cap from the jar of Vaseline and put a generous dollop on his index finger. He then leaned over and gave me a soft kiss on the tip of my nose, whispering, "I love you." That in itself was enough to make my heart flutter and me more than willing to go along with whatever he had planned.

All the while looking me in the eyes, he gently spread my legs apart. I then felt a cool, sticky finger press softly at my hole and begin to circle around slowly. It felt so much better with the lubricant than it had before when his finger was dry -- although I still preferred his tongue to anything else.

After Ryan had massaged the Vaseline tenderly around my hole for several minutes, I felt a slight pressure as his finger begin to gently press into my ass. I immediately tensed up, but then forced myself to calm down, focusing on his intense gaze and the feelings of love I had for him. As soon as I got myself under control, he pushed in a little further, and I suddenly felt the most indescribable sense of pleasure surge through my body. After a few minutes of that, I had to beg Ryan to suck me off, because I felt like my balls were about to explode.

Once we had gotten past that little hurdle, we added "the finger" to our love-making each night, and it made my orgasms that much more intense. I didn't know if I was ready yet for Ryan's cock, but I was getting there.

However, our "anal exploration" wasn't the only thing going on in March. Ryan tried out for the school's baseball team, and of course made it, getting a starting position at third base on the junior varsity team. Apparently, that was considered impressive, since it was his first time trying out for the team. As expected, his afternoon practices cut into the amount of time we could spend together, but I was glad to see him involved in something again. I also didn't mind it when he came home from practice in his baseball uniform, all nice and sweaty.

Mikey seemed to be doing better as well, and went to every GSA meeting. I was more lax in that department, and only ended up going once, although I still planned on fulfilling my commitment to perform at the Spring Fair. Other than that, life went on, occupied mostly with school and spending time with my friends, which I was doing more and more of, especially since Ryan was busy with baseball practice. Having my own car also helped, as I could go hang out with Cody, Mikey, or the twins whenever I wanted.

Toby came down with a couple more short bouts of the flu, though, and for the first time that I could remember, he actually had to miss a few days of school. He did get better after the day of my party, but a week later, ended up with another cold. In general, he just didn't really seem to be his usual cheerful self.  On the bright side, though, he and Cody were still doing great together. I'd finally gotten over my "clingy" fear of letting Toby spend the night at Cody's house, and I could imagine that they were enjoying the privacy.

And, of course, with each passing day, I was getting more and more excited about our three-day trip to Las Vegas to see Elton John during Spring Break! Woo-hoo!