Rhythm

by

John Terry Moore
 

CHAPTER 34

One of the pleasures Stephen enjoyed at home was maintenance.  Doing odd jobs around the house, a little basic carpentry here and there, plumbing and anything that needed fixing.  He’d become quite adept; a skill that one simply didn’t develop in Singapore because there were always people to do it for you.  Home in Australia it was fun doing things for yourself.  Something to give him some variety in between transporting the girls to and from school, running the home, and keeping in touch with Singapore.  There was a housekeeper, Mrs McIntosh, who was able to be flexible in her working hours, and who did the basics most days; making beds, cleaning and when he was extremely busy with Singapore, able to prepare a meal.  Mostly he did the cooking, but it was always a pleasure to have Andrew around because he was the best cook ever!  Elizabeth and Claire were nearly seven and six respectively, and they were always asking him to invite Andrew over so he could cook for them as he did when they were babies.  But Amanda seemed to be increasingly high maintenance, and the opportunities for them to get together were diminishing, and that made him sad.  She was openly hostile towards he and the kids, and Andrew, he realised, was too embarrassed to bring her visiting. 

*****

He was deep in thought as he strolled through the giant hardware store, looking at the irrigation equipment and rain water tanks, which he had contemplated installing at home.  He took some brochures, asked about prices and walked around the corner into the hardware section when someone, in an almighty hurry, walked into him, knocking him to the ground.  It happened so quickly, he was on the ground in a tangle of arms and legs, before he had a chance to get a look at the person who had, like him, been walking around the corner, mind on other things, oblivious to anyone or anything.  He looked at the sneaker located somewhere near his left ear and thought he recognised it.  It was of course, attached to a foot, a leg, and oh shit!  It was Andrew!  “What are you doing, dick wit?” asked Stephen, laughing. 

Andrew lay back on the concrete floor and started blubbering. 

“Jesus mate, I didn’t hit you that hard did I?” Stephen grinned.  Andrew just sat on the floor, head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably.  As suddenly as their little ‘met by accident’ had occurred, Stephen realised something was wrong; terribly wrong with his mate.  He got to his feet, slid his hands under his arms and lifted Andrew up to eye level.  Grown men in their late twenties don’t just burst into tears because they fell arse overhead in a hardware store!  Andrew’s arms slid around his neck and his head rested on his shoulder, as his emotions continued to get the better of him.  “She’s gone,” he whispered, “pissed off.  With her girlfriend from work.  Been setting up house together for some time.”  He answered Stephen’s question before he could ask it.  “A week ago.” 

‘No wonder we haven’t seen him,’ Stephen thought.  “Come with me,” he commanded, his tone of voice suggesting there was no room for democracy.  “We’re having coffee, it’s one of the things they do best here.”  Andrew nodded his head dully, as Stephen slipped his arm around his waist, talking quietly all the time.  He wanted to talk.  It all came pouring out; obviously a cathartic experience because it was equally obvious he had bottled up the hurt and the stress and told no one.  ‘Typically Andy,’ Stephen thought. 

“There was a note,” he said, “and I put two and two together.  Found out where they were and arrived on the doorstep.  They fuckin’ laughed at me!” he cried.  “Said I was a useless dumb dickhead, how they’d been an item for months and how stupid I was because they thought I knew about them anyway!  So they invited me into their home, and I had to sit there and listen to my wife tell me what a loser I was.  That she’d already started divorce proceedings and not to even think of starting anything or they’d call the cops.” 

Stephen’s mouth fell open as he shared Andrew’s agony.  What terrible, callous bitches!  He’d known lots of lesbians, a great variety; many couples where either one or both were straight, and many more who were both gay; just people really, so Amanda and her girlfriend were totally untypical.  All the girls he knew were loving, kind and great homemakers, not home wreckers on a power trip like these two!  He made sure he offered no opinion, but made a mental note to steer well clear of Amanda forever.  Not that there was any likelihood of them meeting up, but on reflection he was pleased her exposure to Elizabeth and Claire had been minimal.  Kids didn’t need role models like that in their lives, but a role model like Andy; ----- that was a different matter altogether. 

*****

“So what are you doing here then?” he said waving his hand at the hardware section. 

“I need to protect myself and change the locks,” Andrew replied, obviously into the next stage of separation anxiety; ----- anger.  Dealing with anger by control of assets; not the best strategy when the law dictates a 50/50 split.  ‘But at this stage,’ Stephen reasoned in his own mind, ‘at least he’ll have some peace of mind that she can’t invade what is his space now, that at least he has some control over his own life.’ 

Stephen looked at his lovely friend; the one person in the world who had stood by him through thick and thin.  And now his life was fucked up, and he had to do his best to help him get back on track, in the same way that Andrew had helped him.  Nothing else mattered at the moment; he knew Elizabeth and Claire would be delighted to see more of him, and that even as such young children, they had the capacity to help ‘Unca Andy’ heal.  Because they loved him.  In many ways he realised the kids had replaced their mother with Andrew; years of genuine attention from him, cooking for them and reading to them, tucking them into bed and telling them stories!  Yes, there was plenty of history there and it was the Dean who once said that we should listen to children more; that they saw life differently to adults; that some of the world’s most complex problems had quite simple solutions, and children, unaffected and unspoilt by the vagaries of adult behaviour, knew what to do before adults had even thought about it! 

“Let’s get the locks, I’ll come home with you and help fit them, and then you’re packing some gear and coming home with me,” Stephen ordered. 

Andrew looked at him and knew it was useless to argue, and the more he thought about it, the more he realised how much he was already looking forward to it.  Through Amanda’s hatred of children, he had missed out not only on having his own family, but he’d always wanted to spend more time with Elizabeth and Claire.  They were growing up and he felt some pride in their successful development; their values and their view on life, knowing he had helped them.  “What are we going to tell them?” he said fearfully to Stephen. 

“The truth, of course, just as you trained them,” he responded, smiling with his almond shaped eyes crinkling up with mirth. 

“But do you think they’ll understand?” Andrew continued to worry. 

“Of course, there’ll be questions but just tell them the way it is.” 

They finished changing the locks; and walked into Andrew’s home office area.  Chris, his assistant was on his feet immediately as Stephen walked in, flying over and hugging him.  “Oh Stephen,” he whispered, “thank goodness you’re here; Cassie and I have been so worried about him.  He’s not eating, he’s been drinking too much and we didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to ring you a few days ago but Cassie said we shouldn’t interfere.  Now I know he’ll be alright.  Actually, I think it’s progress.” 

“Oh?” replied Stephen. 

“I never liked that woman; she lost him business because she was rude to people, and he doesn’t deserve that.  At least now I can work without being interrupted.  And there’s enough to keep us going for months, which is good, with more to follow, I feel.” 

“Can you handle it alone if I take him out of circulation for a while?” Stephen asked. 

“No problem, but if I do get stuck, so much of this stuff is high margin that it’s feasible to hire some help, and I’ve got access to some students who could do with the income.” 

“Good,” Stephen smiled, “because I’ve got plans for him.  Give my love to your lovely wife.  When’s number two child due?  Three-and-a-half months.” 

“Terrific, look after yourselves and ring me rather than him,” he said, as Andrew walked through the office door. 

*****

It was a near riot, when instead of their father, Andrew picked the children up from school.  They were so excited that their favourite uncle was actually staying the night!  And perhaps more than one night!  It was Elizabeth who guessed, of course.  “What about Aunt Amanda?” she said, knowing full well that she would never have allowed their ‘Unca Andrew’ this freedom.  He pulled into the garage and told them.  That Auntie Mandy had gone to live somewhere else and she wouldn’t be his wife anymore.  Elizabeth grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her.  With all the wisdom of a seven-year-old, she put the pressure on.  “Doesn’t she love you anymore?” 

“No, Lizzie, she doesn’t.”  Knowing she would need to know where he stood, he added; “And I don’t love her anymore, either.  It’s sad but when people make each other sad all the time, it’s better if they go away where they can be happier.  Please don’t think Auntie Mandy is a bad person, it’s bad to hate other people even if they do wrong things.  But there’s also some good things, right?  Even if I get married again one day, I’ll always be around for you two guys.  I promise, OK?” 

Little Claire cried, and that made Elizabeth respond immediately.  “Never mind,” she said, “we’ll make you happy again, won’t we Claire?”  Andrew had to laugh at them; they had always been a team and they were doing a number on him!  ‘Just like her father, our Elizabeth,’ he thought, ‘so determined and strong.’  And both of them so advanced for their age it was scary! 

*****

Dinner was wonderful; Stephen was a great cook; Nyonya food was his specialty; a combination of Chinese and Malay influences.  Food was a real love affair for Stephen; he spent hours grinding his special pastes and spices.  His version was a little less spicy than that served in Malaysia or Singapore, but it was just the way Andrew loved his food.  He had eaten many times in this house over the years.  He and Stephen stacked the dishwasher and the girls had their bath. 

Then Elizabeth and Claire were there, on the couch, wanting a cuddle and he felt some peace at last.  Some bloody sanity in a world, where if adults were smart, they would take the example set by children, rather than the other way around.  This was unconditional love; two beautiful little creatures who loved him no matter what. 

Stephen looked on with amusement; he too was excited to have Andrew with them.  And he knew he would do any mortal thing to help him.  Friends like Andrew only came around once in a lifetime.  He hoped he would make this place his permanent home, because there was no one that he and the children loved more than Andrew.  He knew he was being selfish, but he had a premonition that everything would work out the way he wanted it to.  But first Andrew had to heal himself so he could move on, and that was the task ahead for him and the girls; to help him through that process. 

*****

They settled into a routine; Andrew would mostly drive the children to school, and then go on to his house where Chris would already be hard at work in the big office.  Chris and Cassie had been very supportive of him; there had been a mutual dislike of Amanda from their first meeting, and it was hard for them to disguise their pleasure at her departure!  Chris had worked for Andrew for some four years; he understood perfectly the financial vulnerability of small business, but he balanced the risk against Andrew’s creative genius.  His own specialty was the media and technical side, so they made a great team.  More than that, he loved Andrew like a brother; Andrew had been best man at his wedding and there was an element of unspoken mutual trust between them.  And Cassie, with one little boy in her arms and another child on the way, could still manage to run the accounts, pay the bills, and keep things functioning well in just a few hours a week. 

So it was like a family business; a very lucrative family business, and Andrew sensibly had given Chris a share of the action.  As such, there was a constant focus on a daily basis with or without his presence.  Chris and Cassie had both graduated the same year as Andrew and they knew Adam and Patrick, and the members of the Eight.  Especially Stephen, Andrew’s best friend.  They knew that Stephen would be a tower of strength for Andrew at this shitty time in his life, and they encouraged Andrew to spend as much time with he and his family as possible.  They had seen their boss’ marriage gradually coming unstuck and they realised his pride was affected badly.  They wanted to be matchmakers but decided wisely to mind their own business and be there for him when he needed them, as he began to heal himself and get on with his life. 

*****

No one could understand why he had married Amanda; she was a smart woman, certainly, but never a raving beauty.  And when she opened her mouth, all the ugliness in the world poured out.  Whereas Andrew was the opposite.  Where she was domineering, he was gentle, even subservient.  He was friendly where she was belligerent, always trying to pick a fight with anyone who dared to disagree with her.  After a particularly nasty tirade on a subject that had nothing to do with her, Cassie told Chris, “that at least she’s a well balanced person.”  Chris looked at his wife in wonderment.  “Why would you say that?” 

“Because she’s got a chip on both shoulders, that’s why!”  They fell about the office laughing, but that was the only way they could cope with her. 

*****

It had been several weeks since his wife had departed and Andrew felt guilty.  Because where he had originally felt the full force of unexpected separation followed by hurt and anger, he found he was not only enjoying life again, but he actually felt ----- happy!  More so than at any time during his marriage.  And that both mystified and scared him.  He found he was smiling to himself a few times; a departure from his normally reserved personality.  And it was not only the influence of the kids; in fact it was Stephen himself who was so amazing.  He was so unusual for a Chinese person, he realised.  A very open bloke, who found secretive, reserved Asians hard to deal with! 

Stephen loved the Australian way; tell people what’s on your mind and then get on with life!  Stephen believed fervently that internalisation of any emotion was bad for you!  And he had majored in sociology, knowing it would help him in his business career.  They had known each other from the very first day at university when Stephen arrived from Singapore.  They had shared a room together and had become very close.  Then he was called back to Singapore on ‘urgent family business’ and it was in the following break he arrived back with Annette, his bride.  He and Amanda were going out by that time, and straight after uni they married.  Amanda had tricked him, he knew; he desperately wanted kids and she made sure she never conceived.  But Elizabeth and Claire somehow made up for it; and as Annette became increasingly more erratic, he stepped in to help Stephen.  He and Stephen became really close again and he knew Amanda resented it.  So the wheel had turned full cycle again, Andrew realised.  Back living with Stephen whilst he sorted himself out; but with the two best kids in the world to help him occupied and on his toes!  Too busy to worry about his own situation, but still the guilty feelings kept on creeping in.  And the more he enjoyed this new life, the stronger they became. 

*****

He had the bedroom next to Stephen, and the girls’ room was on the other side.  So when he started having nightmares, he usually managed to wake the entire house.  But this one was the worst yet.  Quick as a flash, Stephen was there, and Elizabeth awoke as well.  Stephen managed to calm Andrew, who was perspiring copiously, but only partially awake.  He pulled the bedclothes from him, pushed him into the shower, washed him, dried him and after pulling on a fresh pair of briefs, guided him into his own bed.  Throughout the entire exercise, he seemed only semi conscious, and muttered away randomly under his breath every few minutes.  Finally, he appeared to relax and settled into a deep sleep.  He was still dozing the next morning, so Stephen gave the children breakfast and readied them for school.  He brewed his coffee the way he liked it, and took it into the bedroom.  “What am I doing’ here?” Andrew asked, looking confused. 

“You had some really bad dreams last night so I showered you again and brought you in here with me.” 

“Really?” 

“Yep, you were in a bad way; even Lizzie woke up and it would take an earthquake to wake either of ’em.  Claire didn’t hear a thing,” he laughed.  “Please stay there until I get home, I think you need the rest, much more than you think.”  When he walked in the door again, the washing machine was clunking away with Andrew’s bed sheets, his own bed was made and even the girls’ room was tidy again.  “I thought you were having a rest,” Stephen said crossly.  Still in his white terry towel robe, he looked ‘almost angelic’ Stephen thought.  His hair had grown a little longer and it suited him.  He was still as slim as ever; ‘tall, dark and handsome, just like he had always been,’ thought Stephen. 

Years ago, Michael Mitchell, the rowing coach had tried to put muscle on Andrew, but he failed.  ‘He was strong enough without all that stuff,’ Stephen smiled to himself.  There was no doubt that he was a good-looking man; even more so as he matured.  His build was just the same, he kept himself fit with basic exercise, but he never seemed to understand that both female and male hearts beat quicker when he was around them. 

“So can you remember what your dreams were about?” Stephen asked, obviously very much in analytical mode. 

“Yep,” Andrew answered in a dispirited voice.  “It’s always a version of the same thing.  Ends up with my old man and my eldest brother screamin’ at me.  Homophobic cunts.” 

“Homophobic?” Stephen whispered incredulously. 

“Yeah,” he said, “they got really twisted when Adam and Patrick were doing their thing.” 

“Really?” 

“Oh yeah, the old man reckoned he was taking me out of university because of it.  And my elder brother, David, well he tried his best to kick the shit outta me.  They fuckin’ hunted me because they reckoned I was gay; ‘just like those poofs in the boat’, they used to say.  It sort of stopped when I got married.  But it only really stopped when both of ’em got killed in the car crash, remember?” 

Stephen nodded his head.  “I had no idea it was homophobic abuse,” he said.  “Why didn’t you say something?” 

“Well money was short and then mum died and I had to keep going.  I never forgot you lending me that money for my fees, I’d never have finished uni if it hadn’t been for you.  Charlie Chan,” he grinned at Stephen, “I’m one fucked up dude, aren’t I?” 

“No!”  Stephen shouted.  “You’re the most wonderful, kind-hearted human being I’ve ever met.  You cared about me when my life turned to shit, but instead of talking bullshit and wringing your hands like everyone else, you were here for me, in this house, looking after my kids whilst I was bailing my missus out of some dive in Melbourne.  No one could have been a better friend to me, and now it’s my turn to make sure you get to enjoy life again.” 

“But that’s the point, I am enjoying life with you guys but I feel guilty about it.”  “But how could that possibly be; you’ve done so much for other people you’ve absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!”  Andrew didn’t answer his question but looked thoughtful.  He grabbed a new bag of coffee, spooned some into the filter and set the percolator going again. 

*****

“This may test our friendship a bit,” he smiled sadly, “but you are right to push me, because I think I’ve reached a stage in my life where I need to talk about it all and maybe telling my troubles to someone else will help me get the shit outta my system.  I’ve ever told a soul any of this,” he smiled, “and I’m not particularly proud of it.”  Stephen handed him a mug of fresh coffee.  “You see, my late father and brother were pretty close to the truth.  I’m bisexual.”  He looked into Stephen’s eyes.  “So I felt guilt in the first instance because the two people in the world who had made my life miserable weren’t able to hurt me anymore, and I was glad!  Glad my father and my brother were dead!  But I felt further guilt because I’d strenuously denied everything, and I knew in my heart that I was interested in boys as well as girls, that they were correct in their accusations even though it was my business.”  There was a slight pause. 

“Then,” he said, “I met Amanda and I fell in love.  Or I thought I did.  So there for a while things were OK, but I was always tempted to try the alternative, particularly when we were surrounded by the same-sex culture at uni!  So Amanda and I got married, and the business started going well.  I was on my way home from town one day and I was bustin’ for a leak, so I ran into the toilet at Belford Park.  I was pissing away, thoroughly enjoyin’ myself, when I became aware of the bloke next to me.  About my age, good lookin’ guy, and he had this huge hard on, stroking it right next to me!  I couldn’t help myself!  I made the first move!  I wanted his cock, like a bitch, and it’s funny how you never have to learn what to do, I just knew I what I wanted!  So I became a regular down there, at other places and on the internet, whenever I dared!  Didn’t make the slightest difference to my sex life at home with my wife, if anything it was better!  But I can’t get the thought outta my mind that Amanda’s departure is my fault!” 

“Why, for heaven’s sake?” Stephen said, a look of amazement on his face.  “Because Amanda has gone with a woman now, she was probably attracted to the feminine side of me.  And perhaps if I’d handled it differently, if I hadn’t liked guys as well, we’d still be together.  And I’m really happy living here, enjoying myself, and I should feel miserable, but I don’t and that’s why I feel so fucking guilty.”  He looked anxiously at Stephen who was sitting there actually smiling at him! 

After all these years as friends, Andrew recognised the signs of humour, compassion and support in Stephen’s body language.  There was something else there too, and he knew he wanted to explore it further.  “So you feel guilty because you’re happy?” 

Andrew nodded his head.  “Pretty fucked up aren’t I?” 

“No, you’re a normal, functioning member of the human race.  With a kind heart and a loving nature.  I simply couldn’t imagine my life without you in it, neither could the kids.”  He decided the only way to negate Andrew’s depressed state of mind was to go through all the factors that caused him guilt.  “Firstly,” he said, “your old man and your brother were bastards, but no amount of self-flagellation on your part is going to change anything.  You can’t be the victim all your life!  You’ve got to get off your knees and walk tall again!  Why would you let the memory of what those people did to you haunt you for the rest of your life?  They didn’t really contribute to your life, so let them go!  Secondly, your sexuality is not something you can influence in any way.  You might think you can, but nature has already decided your preferences for you before you even thought about it!”  He looked at Andrew with compassionate eyes.  “Andy, you may think I’m talking shit, but the fact of the matter is that I’m gay!  Always have been!  Always liked boys best.  Females and marriage were forced on me by my father.” 

Andrew looked at him aghast, unable to absorb the information.  Stephen continued earnestly, “I would never even classify myself as bisexual, like you.  I just knew what I was.  Oh yes, I tried girls and I could do the job OK, and it was a good way to get my rocks off.”  He smiled at his own joke.  “Marginally better than masturbation!  But my old man decided that he wanted a greater slice of the action in Singapore, so I was the sacrificial lamb.  I fought like hell but he threatened to take me away from Australia and the university.  You were always on my mind, but I couldn’t do anything.  I was really into you in a big way, but you were going out with Amanda then, and whilst I suspected you were same-sex attracted, I was part of the money-making machine in Singapore and they beat me.  I only had sex with Annette a few times; each time was worse than the time before.  And her lover was a black jack table anyway.”  He lifted his eyes to look at Andrew who appeared to almost hyperventilate, he was so anxious. 

“Look,” Andrew said, “I told you I’m fucked in the head at the moment and I need to get myself straightened out, OK?  This, ----- this stuff is all too much for me at the moment.  I know I‘m not right Stephen, I’m just not ready just yet for anything else with anyone.”  Stephen nodded sadly, knowing what was coming.  “I’ve got to have some space to get my fuckin’ head right and I just don’t think I’m stable enough to be around Elizabeth and Claire.” 

“Please,” Stephen pleaded, “whatever happens, you must understand that I really care about you.  We’ve both been dickheads for not having the courage to talk like this years ago.  Because even though you probably think it’s all over at the moment, I happen to think that we‘re just beginning.”  He stroked Andrew’s cheek with his hand and smiled his big, kind smile that both calmed and reassured him.  Stephen went to his Telemailer and found a number.  “Go to this bloke.  He’s the GP who looked after Richard when he had all his troubles.  He’s got some wonderful contacts who are probably a lot more skilled at counselling than I am.”  “What about the girls?” 

“Don’t worry, they’re probably stronger than we are, I’ll talk to them and tell ’em the truth, remember?  That Uncle Andy is a little bit sick and needs time to recover.”  Andrew nodded his understanding.  Within minutes he had packed his bag and was on his way.