Searching for Him

An Englishman's Queer Odyssey

by Michael Leyton-Walker

Chapter 1

This story began in 1894 when we traveled to America for the first time. I was invited to accompany my grandmother and grandfather as was my cousin, Robert who we called Robbie. Robbie, my first cousin, resided in London with his parents. He regularly visited us in Devon on his school holidays. Our trip happened when I was twelve and he was thirteen.

At breakfast one morning before my lessons, Gran announced that we would be traveling to America. I was surprised and pleased but before I could ask Gran for specifics Morris, our butler, informed me that Mr. Cook, my tutor, had arrived. I asked to be excused. Mr. Cook tutored me in Latin and French before noon. In the afternoon he taught me science, maths and penmanship. I was being prepared to enter Waynesboro Academy the following autumn. Mr. Cook was determined that I should enter the academy with superb preparation so I would not have to do any remedial work. He also wanted me to excel in sport, but there were only rare opportunities to practice because there were few boys my age on the estate, and therefore that really wasn’t possible.

I’m the only child of a military officer and his estranged wife, Irma. They didn’t live with us for reasons that I was never told. From my birth I lived in the great house of my grandparents near Devon. My grandfather is the fifth Viscount of Devonshire. His estate, Pickwickhurst is so large that I don’t know its boundaries. My grandmother, Louise Granville Leyton-Walker, who I adored, loved me because she told me regularly. She usually told me quietly so the servants didn’t hear. I learned that grandparents do not show affection in front of the servants. I don’t know why but that is what Gran told me. I was able to call her Gran only when the two of us were alone, otherwise I called her Ma’am.

As I begin to write this memoir I must be honest and tell you that some of the details came from my Gran’s copious words written in her “Day Books”, as she called them. Her exact words appear in bold face type in various places in my story. Every morning after breakfast when I went to my lessons she retired to her sitting room to write in her “Day Book.” Even on weekends and on trips she wrote. I was fortunate because I inherited the records of her life in these books. She died in 1924 a few days after her 75th birthday. She died in her sleep shortly after a wonderful dinner with many family members. Her funeral might have been a sad time, but it was really a celebration of a wonderful life even though we had endured a devastating war. I knew I was going to get the “Day Books” when she passed away.

Before I concluded my studies at Cambridge I knew I wanted to be a writer. However, Grandfather insisted that I take his seat in the House of Lords which brought me regularly to London. I had a small flat in Piccadilly in a building my grandfather purchased from Mrs. Whiteside, who retired to Wilshire to be closer to her daughter. Grandfather agreed to allow me to have the third floor flat if I would be the landlord. I detested being a landlord until Jeremy moved into the second-floor apartment. The local council permitted me to lease the basement and ground floor to a small firm of Chartered Accountants who paid their rent on time and rarely complained. Jeremy was in the Foreign Service and was rarely home, leaving me with the whole house to myself. My third floor flat had three rooms with a parlor, a bedroom and a kitchen with a small loo attached. The rooms were bright with an obstructed view of Trafalgar Square. The parlor had a coal burning fireplace which kept the damp London winter in check. I bought a writing table with a comfortable chair which I placed near the window.

Leif, Gran’s stepson, cabled me about Gran’s weakening condition so I left England immediately. Luckily, I just made it in time for her 75th birthday celebration because three days later she died in her sleep. It seemed like a thousand people attended her funeral to show their respects. Leif and his wife, May Lou, were gracious hosts in what was a busy time. I was so pleased to spend time with their sons – Andrew and Malcolm and their daughter Louisa. They were lovely, charming young people. I smiled when I looked at handsome, sixteen year old Andrew. As I suspected, he was conceived before Lief and May Lou were married because they had recently celebrated their fifteenth wedding anniversary.

After Gran’s funeral, I returned to London exhausted, as there were many details to attend to since I inherited Pickwickhurst. Grandfather and my father, also an only child, were deceased. My father had been killed leading men in the Second Boer War in South Africa. I never knew him so his death didn’t have much effect on me. My grandfather wrote me that my father died a hero. With all that said, I am the sixth Viscount of Devonshire. That means I had to deal with taxes, crops, servants and details. I did not ask for these things but they were mine to deal with.

Lewis BrownAfter a short stay in Devon I traveled to my London flat. When my last tenant moved out I decided not to lease again and restored the stately townhouse for my use. With the renovation, I was in London often. One evening sitting at my old writing table I held one of Gran’s Day Books. I kept them in a small bookshelf I bought for the fifty or more journals of various sizes and shapes. The earliest book I found had entries dating from 1874, but the entries were sporadic. I scanned several of them but they spoke mainly of domestic matters. After I read the volume from 1894 that I decided to write this memoir using Gran’s Day Books as a source for details and reminders. When I opened the 1894 book, a photograph fell out. I picked it up and recognized her second husband, Lewis, when he was much younger. My “Remembrance” starts with Gran’s description of my first trip to America when I met Lewis.

Gran uses names so I will identify the main characters. Her husband, my grandfather was Malcolm. Our lead cook and housekeeper was Hilda; Morris was grandfather’s butler, Theodore was my butler and, and as I mentioned earlier, Robbie was my cousin. The passages in bold type are Gran’s actual words from her Day Books.

Thursday, June 23, 1894 – Hilda had instructed Theodore to have the livery collect the trunks at 10am. As directed Mr. White, our driver, loaded the trunks and waited. Malcolm and I were in the carriage for the journey to the railway station. The vis-à-vis followed carrying Michael, Robbie, Hilda and Theodore. Our procession moved slowly over the smooth roads of the estate which joined with the less well maintained public roads. In Devon our private railcar which was waiting to take us to Liverpool. We are to embark on the White Star’s Britannica for the United States.

That morning Theodore selected wool knickers, white shirts with ties and matching herringbone jackets for Robbie and me. Theodore’s outfit was the same as ours except that he wore his livery cap. I thought his manner that morning was a bit stern but he was intent that we would not keep Grandfather and Gran waiting. He hurried us as we ate our kippers and hard eggs. Robbie ate his toast with orange marmalade slowly which seemed to make Theodore more irritable. He was a nervous type and Robbie’s deliberate manner seemed particularly irritating to him.

Normally Theodore was quiet and deliberate as he supervised my toilet and selected my clothes. He had spoken last evening about his apprehension about sailing away from England. His attempt not to be nervous seemed to make him more nervous. Robbie responded by doing things in slow motion which made Theodore even more irritable.

Once we were in the vis-à-vis Theodore seemed to relax as he tucked the blankets around our legs. He sat with Mr. Brown on the driver’s seat as Hilda and Morris sat facing Robbie and me. At half past eleven we entered the Devon rail station roundabout. It was another half an hour before our coach was connected and we were ready to board. We waited in the private waiting room. The journey to Liverpool took six hours with a train change in Bristol. Morris and Theodore managed our luggage trunks and dealt with the paperwork as we waited for the ship’s officer to open the gangway. Robbie and I watched as the trunks were hoisted onto the deck in a net basket. He was jabbering away about how excited he was to be going to America. I wondered when we would come back.

I could see plenty of people on the deck which explained why there were so few people waiting to board. The ship must have embarked from Southampton before stopping in Liverpool. I knew we had one more stop in Shannon, Ireland to pick up passengers. I was surprised the Irish could afford to travel since the newspapers described the poor Irish people.

Thursday afternoon, June 23, 1894 – As posted the Britannia cast off at 4:00pm. Malcolm and I had a suite on the upper deck. The furnishings were satin and pink in the French style which was not my taste. Hilda was in a room with another maid two doors down. Michael and Robbie shared a stateroom. Theodore was close to them in the luggage room. The seas were calm but the captain informed us that the seas would become rougher once we reached the Atlantic.

We sailed for twelve days in moderate seas for the most part. One day we sailed through several squalls. The sea got stirred up a bit. Fortunately, neither Robbie nor I were affected by the wave motion of the sea. That was not the case with Theodore who seemed uncomfortable with the movement of the ship under his feet. Theodore who was eighteen or nineteen gave me a sense of confidence when he cared for me on land. On the sea he seemed to need my assurance that everything was going along fine. Uncharacteristically, he would come into our room and ask permission to sit near the open window where the fresh air was flowing in. We did not object.

Robbie was like a brother. He came to Devon often in the summer and autumn. Together we learned to ride, swim and play cricket. Playing cricket required more players so the boys from the estate were permitted to join us on the pitch. Even though their clothes were different from those of Robbie and me, it was fun to have more boys to play with. We really didn’t learn their names.

Theodore was our coach and teacher in most of these activities. He was quite tall and muscular with thick black hair that he combed back. His face had a shadow as if he forgot to shave. I knew he hadn’t because I often watched him in his toilet. He did not object that I watched him bath before he would bath me. He was my butler but he was also my friend. He explained things to me that I did not understand. I’m sure Gran would have been upset if she knew he let me see him naked but I liked it. I asked him one day if my willie would ever be as big as his and be covered in thick black hair. He laughed and told me not to worry as it would happen at the right time. I took his word for it.

He was distant and formal when Gran was around. He never sat down when she or Grandfather were in the room. He came to me to tell me Mr. Crawford, our chief butler, asked him if he was willing to travel with us to America. He seemed excited but apprehensive all at the same time. I told him Robbie was going, too. After a few days he relaxed and began to plan our wardrobe with the help of Hilda, who had been my nursemaid before she was promoted to Gran’s maid.

I don’t remember much about the voyage except that Robbie and I played many games of checkers in the smoking lounge. Our itinerary had us visiting New York before traveling to Chicago to the Columbian Exposition. Finally, we would travel to the Rocky Mountains. We speculated on when we would see cowboys and Indians but had no one to ask.

Friday, July 1 – I stood with Malcolm, Robbie and Michael at the railed bow as we sailed past the Statute of Liberty into New York Harbor. I am still a bit bothered by the French giving America such a gift after they helped take America away from England. I do respect the progress the Americans have made to create a prosperous country. Evidence of America’s success rises before us as we come into our pier. I can’t let Michael and Robbie know how excited I am to be back in New York. I hope our carriage is ready for our transit to the Chelsea Hotel near Gramercy Park.

We did not ride in a carriage to the Chelsea Hotel but went by motor car. Mr. Reinhart, our driver, was introduced and drove us in his Haynes-Apperson automobile. It was exciting to dress in canvas overcoats with goggles to prevent dust and dirt from messing our clothes. The trunks followed in a dray where Theodore and Morris rode. Robbie and I could hardly contain our excitement as Mr. Reinhart steered the motor car to avoid the chaos of drays, trolleys and carriages. There seemed to be little or no order to the traffic which was more than we had ever seen.

Gran remained reserved but I could tell she was excited as she turned her head constantly from one side to the other. She smiled the first time Mr. Reinhart squeezed the bulb on his horn to clear a path for us. From the elegant lobby we were escorted to our rooms Gran informed us that we would be going to Central Park for a carriage ride in the afternoon. She told Robbie and me that we would be dressing formally for dinner and then proceed to a concert of the New York Orchestra, which didn’t excite us too much. We were not given a choice. Theodore had our evening clothes pressed and ready when we returned from our carriage ride in Central Park. He supervised our bathing and dressing. He surprised us by telling us that he would not be waiting when we returned. He said he was meeting a friend that he knew who was living in New York. He said Hilda would be available if we needed anything.

The next morning and every morning we were served breakfast in our room. We saw no adults except the server until late morning. One morning Theodore did not appear and we had to select our own clothes. We liked the freedom of eating in our underwear. Robbie told me that once he slept without his pajamas. I couldn’t believe it. He said it was really fun to have his willie rubbing against the sheets. We secretly agreed to try it together. Later that same morning Theodore entered our room looking quite ill. He asked that we speak quietly since he had a bad headache but told us not to mention it to Grandfather. He told us he knew we would be going for a yacht ride around New York Harbor while he rested in his room. I told Robbie that I thought Theodore had been drinking too much beer. Robbie agreed so we did not mention Theodore to Gran or Grandfather.

Our time in New York passed quickly and the night before we were to catch the railway to Chicago Robbie and I said “goodnight” to Theodore. We got into the big bed we shared. A few minutes later Robbie said, “I have taken off my pajama pants. You take yours off.”

I did as he asked and unbuttoned my shirt and slipped off my pajama bottoms. “I’m naked now.

“Have you rubbed your willie against the sheets, yet?”

“I am now. It feels quite pleasant.”

“Is your willie stiff?”

“Yes, is that what is supposed to happen?”

“Have you touched it?”

“Yes.” Robbie moved closer to me and I felt his hand touch my side and slide across my stomach. Suddenly he closed his hand around my willie. I shivered.

He didn’t speak but took my hand and put it on his willie. It was warm and smooth but felt much like mine. He slid his hand up and down my willie moving the foreskin back and forth. I loved the feeling so I did the same for him. In a few minutes I quivered and felt something. I said, “Did you feel your body quiver?”

“No, but don’t stop moving your hand back and forth. I will quiver soon.”

“So you have felt the quiver before?”

“Yes, be quiet. I am close to feeling the quiver.”

Those were the last words I heard before I felt Theodore shaking my shoulder. “Wake, Michael, it is time to get dressed.” He did not say anything as Robbie and I got out of bed naked. He handed me a dressing gown and pushed me into the toilet. He drew our bath and told both of us to get in together as soon as we finished using the toilet. He stood over us as we washed and dried ourselves before getting into our clothes. We ate breakfast with Gran in the main dining room. Grandfather was not there. Gran informed us that he was called back to England and had asked her to say “Goodbye” for him. As we were finishing a tall, handsome man approached our table and spoke to Gran, “Good day, Louise. May I be introduced to the boys?”

Gran said smiling, “Lewis, this is Robbie and this is Michael,” pointing at each of us respectively. “Michael and Robbie this is Mr. Lewis Brown.”

Mr. Brown said, “We are ready at the Pennsylvania Station so we should be going.” I wondered who this man was and why he was speaking to Gran in such a familiar way. He was dressed so smartly, his hair perfectly smoothed and his mustache crisply waxed. What I didn’t like was his smoking. We entered Mr. Reinhart’s automobile for the trip to the station. Once there, we were escorted to Mr. Brown’s car attached with three other private cars for the trip to Chicago. When we arrived we found Hilda and Theodore waiting with our luggage.

Interior of Lewis Brown's private railcarMr. Brown showed us our room at the end of a long narrow hallway. The railcar was luxurious with polished wood paneling and crystal electric lights. We returned to the platform with him and Gran.

Theodore motioned for us to come to him which Robbie and I did. He placed a hand on each of our shoulders and spoke softly even though there was plenty of noise around, “Boys you are going to be on your own. I have decided to leave the employment of your grandparents and stay in New York.” I was shocked but listened quietly as he continued, “Hilda, will help you when she can but you must be responsible for yourselves. I will not be there to put your clothes away or select what you are going to wear. You must do that yourselves.”

“Will we see you again, Theodore?” Robbie asked. He smiled and shook his head. I felt sad since he had been my constant companion since I was eight years old. I felt sad feeling I was losing my friend. He squeezed my shoulder affectionately, turned and walked away. I watched as he slowly walked down the platform and disappeared into the crowd.

Gran did not acknowledge his leaving, but said matter-of-factly, “Boys get aboard.” Her facial expression told me she was not concerned that Theodore was leaving. Our train moved away from the station through a series of tunnels before entering the sunlight in New Jersey. Lewis’s car had a parlor, a small dining room, a pantry, two large staterooms with toilet and finally our small bedroom which was a sitting room with drop down bunks for sleeping. When Robbie and I were seated by the window with the sunlight pouring in, Hilda came into our room. She said, “Lads, Theodore put your sleeping clothes and clean under garments in the drawer. If you need anything further let me know and I will get them from the luggage room.”

Robbie and I sat staring out the window as the city quickly became the countryside, which looked like our landscape at home. In the late morning Hilda brought us some tea and cakes. Robbie and I played checkers. We were called to lunch at quarter past one and joined Mr. Brown and Gran in the small dining room. For the first time I became aware of a cook in the pantry and a porter who served our lunch. After a bite or two Mr. Brown put his fork and knife down and addressed Gran and the two of us. “Louise and boys, I wanted to let you know about our journey to Chicago, which will take until tomorrow afternoon unless we encounter something unexpected.” His accent was definitely American. He continued, “We will be staying at the Palmer House Hotel. I know you are excited to go to the Exposition and that we will do on Thursday or Friday. I have wired ahead to make sure we have a butler for you boys since I understand your man has left the employment of your family.”

Gran interrupted, “Robbie and Michael, I am sure you are wondering how I came to know Lewis, I mean Mr. Brown. He and I were introduced by mutual friends last year when he was in London on business. He has graciously invited us to visit his ranch in Colorado after we visit Chicago.”

“Will we see cowboys and Indians?” Robbie queried.

Mr. Brown smiled broadly, “Yes, Robbie, you and Michael will encounter cowboys and I can guarantee you will meet Indians.” He smiled at Gran. I had an uneasy feeling that Mr. Brown and Gran had planned this trip without Grandfather’s knowledge. We ate quietly as he and Gran continued soft conversation. We finished and asked to be excused. Back in our room Robbie said, “Michael can you believe we are going to see real cowboys? I wonder if they wear guns.” I didn’t answer but I wondered as well.

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