George and Avery remained my only close friends. We were constantly together. We lived, ate, and slept together. Avery understood my grief more than George did. I tried to cheer George up, and sometimes I was ready to put him on the train and send him home to Modesto. At other times I felt that George was the only anchor I had as we rushed from place to place. I longed for the comforting touch of Wolf who sent several letters from the ranch in Wyoming. The routine and the constant change kept me from getting depressed. I just didn’t have time.
My team of eight horses became more beautiful and their muscularity more defined as the summer came to an end. Regardless of the day or the place, they made me extremely proud. Whether cages or seat plank wagons I loved to watch them straighten and pull. I believed that they were trying to cheer me up. If only the world could understand how beautiful they had become. We did not go to California and we didn’t parade in New Orleans. The season closed in Greensboro, North Carolina, and the Rawlings Bros. World’s Greatest Circus equipment was loaded to head south to the new winter quarters in Florida. All baggage stock was to be shipped to Indiana because Bridgeport was closing. Everything except the horses was moving to Florida.
Rawlings asked me the week before closing to accompany the horses to Indiana and work with the crew for the winter. I told him that I couldn’t decide immediately but didn’t tell him that I thought I was going to quit. Three days later I sat on a hay bale clutching a yellow Western Union message, Rawlings approached me.“What’s your decision, young man?”
I wasn’t crying, but he sensed I was upset because his tone changed.
“Something wrong, son?”
“My mother died. I need to go home.”
His tone softened, “Come with me. You can use my telephone”
I followed him, but I couldn’t cry. I had cried for Raina so many nights that at that moment I couldn’t cry. Rawlings insisted that I call and let my family know I got the message.
Thad and I spoke several weeks before. He told me that Mother continued to be sickly. He told me that she had breast cancer and that she was much sicker than anyone knew. I asked him if he thought I should come home. He said he wasn’t sure but he would call if she got worse. I wasn’t prepared for the news of her death. When I called home Laureen answered and quickly gave the telephone to Thad.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. Things happened so fast. She was OK three days ago, and she just died. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. Mother’s body is already buried at her request. She told Father and me she did not want anyone looking at her after she was dead.”
Stunned, I sank in a chair beside the desk in Evan’s tiny office.
“Was there a funeral service?”
“Not yet, not until you get here. When can you get here?”
“I’ll leave this afternoon.”
“I think we’ll have the Methodist minister come here. The service will be a memorial service and Father wants to do it here,” he added without explanation.
“Call from town and I’ll come get you.”
He hung up. I sat there trying to imagine the world without Mother. I pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket and lifted the receiver. I gave the long distance operator Wolf’s number in Wyoming. After two rings an unfamiliar voice answered.
“Is Mr. Gigot there?
“The raspy voice replied, “Just a moment.”
Wolf answered, “Hello.”
“Wolf, it’s Seth. My mother died. Will you come home with me? I know I am asking a lot.”
“Seth, tell me what happened.”
“She had breast cancer and it was worse than anyone knew. She just died.”
“Sure, Seth, I will come but I don’t think I can get there before Friday. Ft. Wayne, Indiana, correct?”
“That is correct. We will have the memorial service on Saturday.”
“Seth, after that what are you going to do?”
“I haven’t completely decided but Rawlings offered me a job for the winter.”
“Why don’t you come back with me to Wyoming? Think about it.”
“What will I tell Mr. Rawlings?”
“Thank him for the offer and tell him you will be back in the spring.”
“I am not sure I want to go back.”
“I know, we’ll talk some more in Indiana. Bye, I have to get ready to leave. I think there is train for Denver in about three hours that I can make.”
My train ride was endless. I stepped off of the train in Ft. Wayne and a lone Canadian goose squawked overhead in the bitter fall air. Thanksgiving would be totally different without Mother. Last year was so special - Thad and Laureen’s wedding, Thanksgiving at Aunt Mildred’s, and my trip to Europe.
Thad arrived thirty minutes after I called him. He jumped out of the truck and ran up to me. We both stumbled as we awkward hugged each other. It was spontaneous and funny because we never hugged. He cried as he pushed me back by my shoulders.
“Seth, I really didn’t know how sick Mother was. I would have told you if I had any idea. She just didn’t complain. The doctor said her death could not have been predicted.”
I consoled him because he felt so guilty. I had reconciled myself to the fact that my not seeing her before she died was OK. I knew she had a simple, happy life. She had grown up on our farm and never strayed far from where she was born. She traveled out of central Indiana to go to Detroit and Cleveland and that was the extent of it. She stayed home and raised her boys, cared for her husband, devoted herself to her church, and had what appeared to us to be a happy life. She died so young, at forty-eight.
I took the truck back to town about four hours later to meet Wolf. When we got to the house I introduced him as my friend from Belgium who happened to be able to attend Mother’s funeral. No one asked any questions.
The night before Mother’s memorial service, Thad and Laureen went to the parlor bedroom where they slept when they came home. I showed Wolf the bed we would be sharing in the attic. We kissed and he told me to return to console Father. I didn’t understand but did as he directed me to do. Surprisingly, Father invited to me sit in Mother’s chair and he began to speak.
”Are you going to stay in Indiana?”
I was irritated with his constant barrage, but I decided not to incite an argument for Mother’s sake.
“Father I just do not know what I’m doing to do yet. My friend, Wolf, has invited me to go to Wyoming which I think I might do. I don’t know if I want to go back to the circus next spring.”
We sat quietly in the woolly covered chairs the two of them frequently occupied. The great iron stove radiated warmth as Father stirred the coals. “Seth, do you know how me and your mother got together?”
I did know some of the details but he didn’t take a breath because he wanted to tell me his way. “You know I’m the seventh son of a proud but poor farmer from Angela County. I grew up on the farm and went to school only to the eighth grade. I went to work for other farmers as a hired man. Our farm was too small to support eight farmers so I left home to work but I always sent money home to help mom and dad.” He paused to take a drink of water, “I met your Mother on a double date arranged by my friend Herschel Bledsue who was dating your Mother’s younger sister, Iris. We went to the Sullivan County fair. That was our first date in two year courtship that was marked by unpleasant exchanges with your Grandfather. He thought I wasn’t good enough for your Mother.”
Father took another sip of water. “Grandfather was wrong. How did you and Mother get together if he objected so strongly?”
“Well, Son, we just waited the old man out. You know he owned not only this farm which was twice as big at that time but also the lumber company and the hardware store in Flat Iron Creek. He was a board member of the local bank and on the county police commission. He was an important man but he couldn’t stop your mother and me from loving each other.”
Father looked away and I saw a tear forming. Hidden somewhere deep inside a little emotion was showing through.
“Mr. Meyer did not feel I was worthy or deserving of his favorite daughter. We dated occasionally and when we were both eighteen we got secretly engaged. She went to DePauw University in Greencastle but stayed only one year. Her grades were excellent but she loved me and wanted us to get married. Her father was furious when she told him she was quitting university to teach school. After continuing but lessening resistance Grandpa Meyer consented to our marriage which took place in 1900. Our relationship got some better when I took over management of the farm. I was 25 years old. Grandpa was never very nice to me, as you and Thad know.”
I stopped him.“Why did you let him push you around? It made Thad so mad. He couldn’t understand why you let him do it”
He shrugged his shoulders and didn’t seem disturbed by my question.
“He was old in his waning years. Grandpa and grandma died in the flu epidemic of 1918.”
He stopped and didn’t answer my question. He talked for a while longer because he didn’t seem to want to stop talking. I didn’t listen to all he was saying and daydreamed about my Mother. I wanted to remember her in a flowered house dress with her hair pulled away from her face and her long thin fingers. I smelled the fragrant aroma from the melt-in-your-mouth biscuits that graced our breakfast table every morning.
Mother wasn’t interested in seeing the world first hand. Perhaps she was better off. I wondered if she and Father had ever been really passionate like Raina and me or Wolf and me. I found that thought hard to believe.
Father and I went to bed as the mantel clock struck twelve. I never remembered my father staying up until midnight. I climbed the stairs to find Wolf with his head propped on his right hand.
“How is your Father?”
“I know he is sad. He and Mother were really in love but I never saw it. To me there didn’t seem to be any passion in their relationship. It is not like you and me.”
“People express love in so many different ways. Their love was just between them and maybe it was too special to share with others. How do you think your Father is going to do without her?”
“He is tough but I think it is going to be hard, especially if I don’t stay home to help.”
“Are you going to do that?” Wolf said with a tinge of sadness.
“No, I have decided that I am going with you. I know I don’t want to be trapped my entire life on this farm. I feel so sad for Raina who I thought I loved. I know I could never be part of her world. I would like you to be my partner if you will have me. I want to go to college because that is what Mother always wanted for me. I love working with animals so your offer has appeal. Do you think two men can have a happy life when the world seems so against our kind of relationship?”
Standing naked before him I folded the green and white tumbling block quilt that Mother had made for me and tucked it safely in my trunk. I pulled two wool blankets off the closet shelf and I crawled in between the icy sheets. Wolf pulled me close to his warm body. I cried.
As we sat on the front porch the next morning the wind gathered the leaves and flung them at our feet. My mind wandered as I contemplated the upcoming trial and my trip to St. Louis. I had been informed in St. Louis before we left the scene of the murder that the government would be contacting me to get my official deposition and call me as a witness against Williams and the other guys in Ralph’s gang. On a blistering hot day when we were playing in San Antonio, Texas the letter arrived informing me that the trial date had been set. The letter directed me to appear in St. Louis at the government’s expense on February 9, 1925. I read the letter once and tucked it away because the season would be over and I would be with the horses in Indiana or at home.
I rocked in Mother’s favorite rocker and watched an approaching figure I knew was Molly. The dilapidated farm house which she and her mother rented since her father drank himself to death was about a quarter of a mile from our house. She disappeared from sight as she descended the hill below the hedge row and reappeared ten minutes later at the end of the road leading into our yard.
She walked slowly and methodically. She raised her shawl draped sleeve in a tentative greeting gesture. I responded similarly. She stopped before the wide limestone step.
Without acknowledging Wolf she said, “Seth, I’m sorry. I loved your mother so much. She was so nice to me.”
I rose to accept her sympathy hug and we clung together not wanting to let the other go. Her body’s warmth radiated through her dark blue coat. I detected a faint floral scent from her toilet water. We held onto each other not knowing quite what to do next. She finally loosed her arms and stepped back a step.
“Seth, I’m so glad you’re home.”
Realizing Wolf was sitting next to me I said, “Molly, I want to introduce you to my friend from Belgium, the Baron Wolf Gigot.” Wolf rose into a military stance and took Molly’s hand. She didn’t know what to do.
She stiffly said, “Nice to meet you.”
At that moment a black Model-T Ford rumbled over the ridge, and we guessed that the Methodist minister was arriving. After we greeted him and escorted him into the house, I returned to the front porch to find Wolf in the rocker and Molly looking off into the distance. The inside of the house seemed so stuffy and unnatural but I realized the outside was no better..
Molly turned and reached out for my hand, and we surveyed the fall landscape. Dead leaves swirled around in the yard. Corn shocks rattled as the wind whistled through the empty rows. The hay field waited quietly for its winter snow blanket. Molly caught me off-guard with two questions.
“Seth, when is the trial? Can I go with you?”
“In February,” I said tersely. “Wolf and I will be going,” intending to throw her off. She looked at Wolf.
“Well, I still want to go.”
I got up from the chair because Aunt Mildred and Uncle Harry’s yellow Studebaker turned into the yard. The three of us waited for them to step up onto the porch. They smiled. I started the introductions, “Uncle Harry and Aunt Mildred I would like to introduce you to Wolf Gigot, my host in Belgium.” They looked puzzled but I detected a knowing smile from Uncle Harry who warmly took Wolf’s hand. Aunt Mildred politely extended her white gloved right hand which he graciously kissed. Molly stepped forward to give Mildred a gentle hug which was warmly returned. After they went inside I responded to Molly’s second question, “Today we were going to remember Mother and not worry about the future.” I knew Molly was thinking about a specific future and she was going to be disappointed. She and I were not going to end up married.