Lost and Found
Chapter 16
Brian was great. I could tell that he was worried but he wasn't going anywhere. He knew that something bad had happened. He didn't push it. I just lay there in the floor curled up in a ball with my head in his lap.
Everything was very weird. It's like my senses were at red alert but my energy was shot.
It's not that I couldn't talk. I just didn't know what to say. How do you explain that! How do you say that a stranger put a buck knife to your neck and forced you to perform oral sex? Why couldn't I get away? Why didn't I do something?
It seemed that everyone knew that I was gay. They would just assume that was what I wanted. I couldn't trust that anyone except my friends would believe me. I couldn't tell my parents.
Pete the phone pervert graduated from just a creepy voice on the other end of the phone to a real life, knife-wielding menace. I shuddered when I thought about the guns in the cab of his truck.
He would come after me again. Worse, my parents or my friends might be there and get in his way
Pete knew me. He had dropped names of some of the other boys that I knew from school and sports when he called on the phone. It wouldn't be hard for him to figure out who my friends were.
I was going to have to tell my friends. They needed to know. I needed this pressure like I needed a hole in my head.
My parents were going to freak out if they hadn't already. I had blown the comic shop and had been gone for most of the day. Knowing my Dad, he had probably called up the army by now.
My face was sore from Pete's openhanded blow. I probably had a mark.
The joint was having its desired effect. Brian described weed as “creeper bud”. It took a little while to creep up on you and then zap, you were stoned.
I didn't exactly hear zap but I went to sleep there beside Brian curled up in a ball.
Some time later, I was awakened by the sound of Scotty and Brian talking.
Scotty asked, “What happened to him?”
“I don't know. It's some kind of shock. He hasn't said a word since he got here. His hands were shaking so bad that I had to hold the joint for him.”
I reached out and lightly grabbed Scotty by the ankle. He sat down beside me on the opposite side from Brian and put his hand on my back. I flinched when he first touched me. Damn it. That had never happened before with Scotty.
He gently stroked my back and said, “What's wrong Jimmy?”
I couldn't even look at him. I was a jumble of conflicting emotions inside. I wanted to wrap my arms around him but I felt dirty. I felt like I had betrayed him and I wasn't worthy.
“Everybody's looking for you. Your folks even asked me to look for you.”
Now that really was something.
As much for Brian as for me, Scotty explained, “Kevin at the Comics Shop told your Mom that Mrs. Turner went off on you and got you really upset. They'll be cool. They just want you home.”
Oh how I dreaded being in front of them. Ever since summer my Mom had taken every opportunity to set me up with her friends daughters in hopes that I'd find a girlfriend. What the hell did they want from me? Grandchildren from a 13 year old?
It felt good to be there between Scotty and Brian. It was safe there. I had always loved Scotty and knew that I could always trust him. Lately Brian and I had gotten a lot closer too. It's like he really needed somebody with Doug gone.
Brian was becoming more and more like Doug. Sure, he wasn't the squeaky clean boy scout that Doug had been but he was a person of deep and warm feeling. He didn't show that side of himself to just anyone. Most people saw the angry, defiant Brian, quite the contrast from Doug. To those of us that were lucky enough to know him well, we saw the same gentle, good-natured charisma of his older brother.
The light coming through the window of the fort flashed off the face of Scotty's watch. It reminded me of the gleaming blade of Pete's knife. I saw it again like a replay in my head and stared blankly into space. Without knowing it, I had “gone away again” for a short time. When I came back, I was shivering and sweaty.
Brian said, “Whoa Dude, that was intense.”
Scotty was really worried. He got down where he looked me in the eyes and I could tell he was scared to death. He said, “Jimmy. I'm scared. I've never seen you like this.”
He was probably the only person in the world that could get me to come out of that dark place that I was hiding in. I sat up and pulled Scotty into my lap putting my arms around him. Nothing short of death could have kept me from responding to the look in Scotty's eyes at that moment.
Brian put his arm around me and the three of us sat there in a jumble. I started to cry softly with my head buried in Scotty's shoulder. It started slowly at first and took a little while to gain momentum but I was safe around two of the very few people that I really trusted. I let it out. The sound was a snarling howl of outrage, bitter and guttural like a wounded animal. They held me through it until it was past.
I suddenly became aware of how exhausted I was.
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The next thing that I knew, strong hands were carrying me through the forest. Strong, gentle hands that made sure that I was safe and wouldn't fall. Brian and Scotty were there, with Scotty carrying a flashlight to illuminate the way. I was startled to discover that it was my Dad that was carrying me.
He wasn't angry or rough. It had been a long time since we had touched like that. It felt good. I wrapped my arm around my Daddy's neck and held on. He responded with a gentle squeeze and he whispered, “I'm sorry Jimmy.” It was the Daddy I used to know.
Before I knew it I was at the house curled up in a ball on the sofa. Scotty and Brian were still there. My Mom cried but it was different. She was relieved that I was home. Mr. and Mrs. Michaels were there too. In the light it was more apparent that there was a big, red and purple whelp on the right side of my face where Pete's big paw had clobbered me.
The general consensus was that I had been in a fight. My shirt was torn and there were angry, red scruff marks on my neck and torso.
My Mom being a teacher knew that the signs that I was showing were not good. She wanted to take me to the Emergency Room but my Dad said that I needed rest and that in my current condition, sitting around waiting in the ER and poking and prodding would probably just irritate me. Scotty's Dad was a doctor and his mother was a nurse so I was probably better looked after than I would have been at the hospital.
They put Brian and Scotty in the guestroom and left me alone on the couch. They assumed that I was asleep. I heard my parent's softly talking to Scotty's parents. Dad was saying, “We hurt them. I hurt them, worse than I could have imagined.”
Scotty's Mom replied, “Bob Rainer didn't do us or the kids any favors in the way that he told us. It was a shock. None of us saw it coming. When something like that hits you out of the blue, how are you supposed to react?”
Dr. Michaels said in his best bed side manner, “It's not uncommon for kids their age to fool around some. It doesn't really mean anything about their sexuality. The worst part is that it was discovered and exposed. In hindsight, this semester Scotty hasn't been the same. He has hated school. At first I thought it was just the new school but now I have to wonder if he isn't taking some flak at school over it.”
My Mom said, “I've got teacher friends at Oak Hills and they say that sweet little Brian is catching it pretty bad and Jimmy's been in at least one fight. Seems Eric Rainer smarted off to him the very first day and Jimmy beat the living tar out of him.”
They knew about the fight!?
My Dad chuckled, “Good for him. The important thing is that we've got to figure out what we're going to do.”
My Mom angrily hissed, “I'm not going to put up with any of that sex stuff. I hate it.”
Dr. Michaels responded reasonably, “Well, you won't get any argument from me on that. Teenagers having sex is a bad idea. We just can't have any more hitting.”
My Dad got defensive and warned, “Now don't try to tell me how to raise my son Beau.”
“John, we've been friends for a long time and you know I respect you. You have to admit that you got out of control that day. Think about it- has Jimmy acted the same since?”
My Dad was quiet and paused for a long time. “I'm sorry Beau. I'm ashamed of myself for it. I, we just don't have any experience with this sort of thing.”
Meredith said, “Jimmy and Scotty need each other. When we separated them last summer, I could tell Scotty was suffering. I bet that you could tell that Jimmy was too.”
Dad grumbled, “Yeah, he was. I could tell and worse, he doesn't trust me anymore. I have to admit that I missed Scotty myself.”
Mom said, “It's clear that we can't keep them apart. They'll sneak around anyway. We can't watch them every minute.”
Dr. Michaels said, “We need to think about something very carefully. When Jimmy was hurting and upset, who knew where to go find him? Me? You? We had to ask his best friend. Who was taking care of him? Another one of his friends. We've got to ask ourselves the reason they didn't come to us and the painful answer is clearly that they don't trust us anymore.”
My Dad asked reasonably, “How do we fix that?”
Dr. Michaels answered softly, “I don't know John. It's going to take time but I think the key to it is that Jimmy and Scotty need each other.”
My Mom responded, “We can't just stand by and watch the become... homosexuals.”
Dr. Michael's responded, “Look, homosexuality is a lot more complicated than that. Kids don't just get that way on a whim. Just because at this stage of their development they fool around with other boys does not mean that they are homosexual.”
My Dad exclaimed, “Look at him! He's a linebacker for Christsakes! How could he be a fag?”
Doctor Michaels said, “Since Rainer brought all this up, I've been looking into it. Homosexuals don't necessarily look like anything. They don't talk a certain way and they don't act a certain way. Those are stereotypes. Homosexuals are individuals, not members of some dumbass club.”
My Mom said, “But the bible...”
Dr. Michaels said, “But nothing Emmaline. Look at Scotty. He's small for his age and cries easily. If we go on looks, he looks a lot more like a stereotypical homosexual than Jimmy but I love him. He's sweet, smart and very loving and I wouldn't have him any other way. Jimmy's been looking after him since day one and I love him for that too. They're still so young that nothing is set in stone. The bottom line is that we've got to love our boys for who they are or we're going to lose them.”