New Brother

Chapter 2

Time froze.

My dad had just announced that Adam had been kicked out of home and disowned by his father. I was consumed by anger at the callous and highhanded behaviour of Mr. Kennedy. Parents are supposed to love their children. How could anyone do that to their own son? Then all my emotions went into a tailspin when Adam announced that it was because he is gay.

Gay? It couldn’t be —Adam is as straight as they come. There’s nothing feminine about him at all! It had to be some sort of joke. The only thing, though, was the way he had said it. The pain and sorrow that came through left no doubts in my mind —he wasn’t joking. The unchanged expression on my dad’s face only emphasized the truth —he already knew.

I grasped for the anger that I had felt only a moment before, but it was gone, washed away in an ice-cold stream of shock. Who was Adam? I had thought I knew him, but apparently not. Was he holding any other secrets? Other secrets? What was I thinking about —this one was big enough! He’s been hiding this from me ever since we’ve known each other. What was he planning on doing? Jumping me one night when he slept over? Sleep over! What about tonight? I couldn’t share a room with him —I didn’t know what he’d do!

“A fucking homo! Bloody cocksucker! Get your stuff out of my room. I don’t want a homo anywhere near me! Cancel that. I don’t want you in my room even to get your stuff. I’ll throw it out into the corridor for you to collect when I’m not around!” The anger and disgust in my voice made it very clear how strongly I felt about what he had told us.

I stood up abruptly, ready to steam off to my room and get away from the stranger who had just moments before been masquerading as a friend.

“David! Sit down NOW!” roared my father.

“But Dad, he’s …”

“SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” he screamed.

Randy and Mum were staring at me in disbelief. Well, how did they expect me to react? Adam gave me an anguished look before he looked down again. He slowly rose to his feet, eyes still downcast.

“Adam. Sit down, please. We haven’t finished this discussion,” ordered Dad in a gentler voice.

“I’m sorry, sir. I’ll go move my stuff to the stables for the night.”

“You’ll do no such thing,” replied my dad sternly. Rising to his feet, he leant over the table to me. “If you don’t want Adam in your room tonight, then fine. He’ll sleep somewhere else in the house. But get this through your thick skull, David. ADAM IS STAYING HERE FOR AS LONG AS HE NEEDS TO.”

“What? How can you let a fucking poofter live here? Who knows what he’ll do!” I yelled back.

My dad sat back down, and his face became calm. An icy calm while he stared at me, but at least it was calm. A creeping dread came over me, as I suspected that this was just the calm before the storm.

“Homework time,” he said coldly.

I stopped, stunned. How could Dad ask this of me now? A few times a year, something comes up in a family discussion that he decides Randy and I need to know more about. He assigns homework for us to do to study the subject at hand. It’s normally not an onerous task; just a couple of hours on the Internet researching what he’s asked us to look up. What stunned me was that I couldn’t believe he wanted me to look up anything about poofters!

“I want you to look up suicide risk factors, especially for teenagers. As an extra bit of research, if you can, find out the rate of suicide attempts amongst homeless youths,” he continued, still staring at me coldly.

Suicide? What had that to do with Adam? I turned to look at him. He was staring at Dad with a surprised and puzzled expression on his face.

“Sir, I …”

“Adam, we’ll talk about this while Randy and David are doing their homework. In the meantime, let’s go get your stuff out of David’s room.”

“He can stay in my room tonight, if he wants,” my brother piped up, as he rose to his feet.

Heads spun around as we all looked at him with surprise. Did he know what he was saying? I opened my mouth to object, but Mum beat me to it.

“Randy, thanks for your offer, but your dad and I will work out where Adam will sleep tonight,” she said, glancing across at Dad.

“Mum, what’s the problem? Adam’s stayed overnight lots of times before. He’s a friend and I trust him. I’m not asking him to share my bed, just share the room!” Randy pleaded.

I don’t know whose face looked more shocked, Adam’s or mine. My little brother was asking a fucking queer to spend the night with him! I needed to get him alone to beat some sense into him.

“Randy, we’ll consider it. We don’t want to make a decision now,” Mum replied.

“Come on, Giant. We have homework to do,” I said, as I dragged him to the study. I needed to get him out of there before he said anything else. How big a hole was he trying to dig for himself?

Adam stood in shock as his mind raced in thought. He wondered what was going on. Stick’s reaction had been even worse than Aiden’s dad’s, but Mr. Castle couldn’t have been cooler. Stay there as long as he needed? Had he really mean that, or did that just mean until they could find someone to take him off their hands? And what was that talk about suicide? And Giant’s stating that Adam was still a friend and he still trusted him? An emotional roller coaster would be an understatement for what Adam had just gone through in a couple of minutes.

As he and Mr. Castle headed off down the hallway to David’s room, Adam paused to lean against the wall. A shudder passed through his body as the tight knot of despair he had been carrying ever since his dad threw him out slowly unraveled. No longer able to support him, Adam’s legs gave way and he sank to the floor. Mr. Castle turned as Adam collapsed. He started to say something, but when he saw the expression on Adam’s face he bent down and put his arms around him.

“It’s going to be alright, son. You’re safe now. It’s going to be alright. You’re safe now,” he repeated softly, over and over again, as Adam started to quietly cry.

Randy and I entered the study, neither speaking to the other.

While we both have computers in our rooms, the only computer that has Internet access is the one in the study. Both Randy and I have complained about this many times, but our parents have been adamant. They don’t want us surfing the ’net in our bedrooms. If it’s in the study —which doesn’t have a lock on the door —then they can be confident that we’re not abusing it. On the flip side, they removed any parental locks on what we could view when Randy turned fourteen. We could check out anything we wanted —we just had to be aware that anyone could walk into the room at any time. If we had porn on the screen, then we had better have a good reason handy or we were in big trouble. I was caught once, but they didn’t buy my excuse of doing biology research for school. I was lucky to be grounded for only a month. So far, they haven’t caught Randy, so either he’s being cleverer about it, or he’s not exploring, yet.

As he sat down at the computer and turned on the monitor, I decided I needed to make sure he understood what Adam had admitted to being.

“Do you REALLY understand what Adam said back there? You seem to think it’s no big deal!” I was trying to remain calm, but it was a struggle. Why did that bloody homo have to come here?

“Of course I do. Adam is a homosexual. He prefers to have sex with guys instead of girls. It’s no big deal as far as I can see. It’s his life, after all. I’m more concerned about you. You don’t seem to understand it at all. You seem to think he’s no longer the person we’ve known for years.” Randy’s voice was calm, but I could still detect a tight coil of anger lying just below the surface.

“He’s not the same person! He’s probably been planning on jumping one of us one night when we don’t expect anything. And you go ahead and invite him into your bedroom! What were you thinking of? You’re not a fucking poofter too, are you?” I was quite pleased with myself for not screaming that last bit at him.

He looked at me with disgust.

“He IS still the same person. If he wanted to do anything, he’s had plenty of chances up until now. And for the record, no, I’m not gay.” He suddenly grinned at me. “If you’re really nice, I might even supply a reference who can confirm I’m not gay.”

I looked at him, stunned. He’s only fourteen! Was he telling me that he is ALREADY sexually active?

“I offered him my room because I think he needs to know that someone cares. YOU’RE supposed to be the people person. Don’t you realise how much you hurt him tonight?” he added forcefully. “I knew something was going on when he faked that call to his mum. He obviously thinks he’s all alone,” he commented thoughtfully.

“What do you mean, he faked the call to his mum?”

“I could see the base station for the phone from where I was sitting. Just before he started to speak, the light that shows the phone is active went off. He was talking to a dead phone.”

“So that’s what you were going to ask him about!” I said with a snap of my fingers.

“Yeah, but I didn’t know how to ask it. I don’t even know why he bothered to fake a call.”

“That bit’s now obvious. He was trying to avoid having Mum ring his dad to make sure it was alright for him to stay.” I paused for a second to regroup my thoughts. “And don’t try to change the subject. Don’t you know if word gets out that you had a known poofter spend the night in your room, everyone is going to think you’re a homo too? I’m trying to protect you here!”

“Thanks for the kind thought, Stick, but I think you’re wrong,” Randy replied indignantly. “Adam is a FRIEND. Nothing more, nothing less. He needs our help, and if you’re not going to help him, I’ll do it alone. If I have to cope with a bit of flak as part of that, then so be it. I’m not leaving a friend just because it might be a little difficult.”

“A little difficult!” I yelled with disbelief. “Have you any ideas what you are talking about? You’ll lose all your friends. You’ll get picked on and abused at school. Your life will become a constant misery!”

“You arsehole!” he yelled back. Taking a deep breath, he continued in a calmer voice. “Firstly, I’ll have at least one friend — Adam. I also have more faith in my friends that you seem to have in your friends. Some may not want to be seen with me, but I’m sure that most of them won’t care that Adam’s gay. As for being picked on, I’m already bigger than most of the kids at school. Most of them wouldn’t want to cross me," he added with confidence.

“All that means is that you’ll get hit harder by more people! Half the football team will probably run over you just because of what they think you are. They won’t know if it’s true or not, but you’ll still end up getting hurt.” I was getting frantic with worry about my brother. He was just being too arrogant about his ability to handle any problems that might occur.

“I don’t care. Adam needs our help and he needs it now. If you’re a friend, you’ll understand. I’m beginning to think that you don’t understand what being a friend means,” Randy stated resolutely. “You also obviously didn’t pick up on Dad’s hints.”

“What do you mean? Dad didn’t hint anything!” I responded, confused.

“What’s our homework?” he asked flatly. “I’ll bet you ten bucks that we find that being homeless and being gay are both strong risk factors for suicide. Adam may not be suicidal now, but a few more outbursts like yours will probably drive him over the edge. Is that what you’re trying to do?” Randy’s voice started to show how angry he was, as he turned back to the computer. “Shall we start?”

Was Adam suicidal? Was that what Dad was worried about? More importantly, what did I think about that? Did I want Adam to kill himself? Adam the teammate —definitely not! Adam the homo? Did I want him dead? I don’t think so… It was all so confusing!

An hour later, Randy and I sat back and turned away from the computer screen. Randy looked shocked at the numbers that were still displayed. I certainly felt as if I had been slammed hard in the stomach by a world champion boxer.

It was hard to get some concrete numbers, but the last web page we looked at showed how bad it can get. In a study on homeless youths from Portland, Oregon, in the USA, a staggering 44% of homeless gay or bisexual males had attempted suicide. Even the straight homeless guys had a rate of 33%. So even if he wasn’t really gay, that still meant that Adam would have at least a one-in-three chance of trying to kill himself if he stayed homeless!

As for risk factors, Randy was right. Adam was definitely a suicide risk. Depression, lack of support, family problems — he was right in the middle of it.

“Well?” Randy said.

“Well what?”

“Are you going to accept that Ads is going to stay here? That Dad is trying to save his life? That he needs our help?” He paused for a second, glaring at me. “Do you want me to go on?”

“Okay, okay.” I surrendered, holding up my hands. “Dad knows what he’s doing. As long as I don’t have to hang around him, I suppose he can stay.”

“Alright then. Let’s go back and see Dad.”

We found Dad and Mum in the kitchen, cleaning up. They had been talking quietly, but fell silent as we came into the room.

“Did you learn anything important?” Dad asked us, though I think he was asking me more than Randy.

My eyes looked toward the floor as I scuffed my feet nervously. “I don’t mind Adam staying. I don’t want him to kill himself, and letting him stay here will help prevent that,” I stated reluctantly. I then looked up and locked my sight on my dad’s face. “But I don’t want to have anything more to do with him than I have to,” I added firmly.

Dad slowly nodded his head. “Okay. I would have liked to hear something a bit more positive from you, but it’s a start”. He then turned to Randy. “And you?”

“I’ll help in any way I can. Just let me know.” Turning to stare angrily at me, he added, “I know what being a friend means.”

Dad looked pleased, but very tired. I also noticed wet stains on his shirt. Where had they come from?

Randy looked around. “Where’s Ads?” he asked.

“Your dad put him in your bed. He’s already asleep,” Mum replied quietly. “I think he’s gone through so much stress this week, and especially tonight, that he’s just collapsed. We were going to get the folding bed out and put it in your room, but we didn’t really have time. You can sleep in the lounge room tonight, Randy, if you like”.

“If it’s alright with you, I think I’ll sleep in the folding bed in my room. I think Ads could do with having someone near him tonight.”

I couldn’t believe it. After all I’d tried to explain to him why he shouldn’t, he still wanted to spend the night in the same room as the poofter! At least Mum seemed to understand. I was sure she’d put him right.

“I think you’re probably right. Dad was going to sleep in there with him tonight, but if you want to, that’s fine. Feel free to wake us up if you think you need us.”

WHAT! I thought Mum was going to tell him no way, but here she was aiding and abetting in the corruption of her own son. I had to do something about that. I’m too fond of my brother to let him throw his life away for a fucking cocksucker.

“Mum, Dad. Can’t you see that this isn’t a good idea? Don’t let Randy …”

Dad interrupted angrily. “David, shut up! This is NOT your decision. Yes, Randy’s only fourteen, but at the moment he’s acting a lot more mature than a certain sixteen-year-old I could name. If he wants to be a young adult and do the right thing by a friend, then he has our COMPLETE support.” He paused and then continued in a calmer voice. “You will now drop this topic. We can discuss it more tomorrow morning, after everyone has had a good night’s sleep and everyone is a lot calmer. There are still a lot of things that we need to discuss as a family. This is not going to be easy for any of us and we have a lot of issues to sort out. In the meantime, to give you something to keep you occupied, can I suggest you give a lot of thought to tomorrow’s game, and the idea of playing on the same team as Adam?”

Glancing at the clock, he continued, “It’s only eight. Do you have any plans for tonight? I can give you a lift into town if you want to meet up with your friends.”

That’s the one thing that sucks about being a teenager on a rural property in Australia. Since the driving age is eighteen, Randy and I are almost totally dependent on our parents to get anywhere. It’s not too bad on the weekends, when we can sometimes get a bus, but there are no late-night buses near our place.

Randy looked up thoughtfully. “If it’s alright with you, Dad, I’d like to do some more research on the Internet. Do you think you can help me?”

I wondered what he meant by that. He doesn’t normally need any help with surfing the ’net. There was something strange going on inside that blonde head of his. Dad looked at little puzzled as well.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “If that’s what you want. I have a couple of things I have to do first, but I’ll join you in the study in about half an hour.” He turned to me. “What about you, David?”

“I think I’ll give Liz a call and then go for a walk outside. A lot’s happened tonight, and I want to think about it for awhile.”

Dad smiled. “If you want to talk about it further with your mum or me, come to us at any time. This is a lot to take in, and I think we could all do with some help talking it through.”

“I think I’ll be fine for the moment, but thanks.”

Grabbing the phone, I headed off to my room, with so many thoughts running through my head. Now I have the problem of what to say to Liz. I promised that I would fill her in tomorrow, but I need to get some of this off my chest tonight. But what can I say now, and what should I do face-to-face? If I tell her that Adam’s been kicked out of home, she’s likely to spread that choice piece of gossip around to everyone she knows. If I tell her why, she may hold off, but I just feel really uncomfortable passing on that bit of news over the phone. I think that needs to be done in person. Should I wait until tomorrow, like I originally told her? But I need to tell SOMEONE what is going on!

Lying down on my bed, I started staring at the ceiling, still thinking. Am I getting anywhere, or I am just procrastinating? I really want to make this phone call, but I don’t know what to say. Okay. Deep breath time. Let’s call her and see how it goes.

As the phone rang, I started to worry. Wasn’t anyone going to answer? Maybe she’d gone out. We didn’t have plans, so she could have been out with her girlfriends.

“Hello. Trev speaking.” Liz’s brother Trevor is one cool guy. As an eighteen-year-old, he’s not only able to buy us beers occasionally, but sometimes gives us a ride on Saturday nights when Liz and I want to go see a movie.

“Hi, Trev! It’s David here. Is Liz there?”

“Hi, Stick! I’ll just go get her.”

“Stick! I didn’t expect to hear from you until tomorrow morning. What’s up?” Liz’s happy voice came down the phone line with a gusto that was almost physical.

“Hi, Liz,” I started hesitantly. Now that I had got her on the phone, I didn’t know how to start. “I’m wondering if we could meet up in town tomorrow morning. I’ve got the story on what’s been going on with Ads, but I don’t think it’s something I can talk about over the phone.”

“I’ve got some chores I have to do first thing, but I could get into town once I’ve finished. If I can’t get a lift with Trev, I’ll catch the bus. I presume we’ll go straight from there to the game?” I could just hear her straining with impatience to find out the full story.

“Yeah. That’s probably best. I’ll see you then.” Try as I might, I couldn’t keep the gloomy tone from my voice.

“Wait! What’s wrong? I’ve never heard you so hesitant. You’re never this short on the phone. Even if you don’t want to talk about it over the phone, give me some sort of hint. Or, if it’ll help, let’s talk about something else to take your mind off whatever’s bothering you,” she pleaded.

Stopping in the act of hanging up, I make a quick decision.

“Promise me you won’t say anything to anyone until after we talk tomorrow?”

“Sure! Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

“I’ll fill in all the details tomorrow, but basically Adam’s been kicked out of home. He’s got a major problem with his dad at the moment. My dad’s concerned that he could end up suicidal and wants him to stay here with us. My problem is that I’m not sure that Adam’s dad was wrong. The reason Ads was kicked out is pretty scary. But I can see why Dad’s concerned. It’s all so mixed up. I don’t know if I want him to stay or not! Oh, I’m not making any sense. Look, just keep it all to yourself until we can talk tomorrow. I’m going to go for a walk down to the dam soon and try to get it all sorted in my head,” I finished in a rush.

“Wow! Now I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. Thanks, Stick!” Liz replied sarcastically. “You sure know how to leave me hanging.” She paused, then continued on more gently. “Go for a walk and get some fresh air. I know you. If you get a chance to think things through, you’ll work it out. I’ll see you at the coffee shop tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Liz,” I replied gratefully. “See you then. Bye, Liz.”

“Bye, Stick.”

I lay on my bed for a while. It hadn’t been a great conversation, but it had helped. Having Liz’s confidence that I’d sort out this mess in my mind was a big boost. Just having someone listening as I was letting the thoughts run out of my mouth also started to help put some order into those thoughts.

I sat up, startled by a sudden thought. Who can Adam talk to? He’s going through a lot, too. More than me, to be honest. He has not only the break with this family to get over, but also the problem of turning gay! Maybe just having someone to talk to will help him get over it.

Getting up, I grabbed my summer jacket. The night was still warm, even though it’s early autumn, but the breeze at night can be chilling. It was time to wander down to my favourite thinking spot — down by the dam in the back paddock.

Randy sat down with his dad at the computer in the study.

“I was thinking that Adam is going to need a lot of support to get through the next few months,” Randy started. ”He’s lost his family and I think it’s going to get out at school pretty soon. We can help him as much as we can, but he really needs to talk to other gay kids who have gone through similar things. There must be chat rooms and message boards on the Internet for that sort of thing, and they would have the advantage of allowing him to be anonymous. What do you think?”

“I’m impressed. I think you’re spot on.” Randy’s Dad paused for second and then raised his eyebrows. “But why did you want my help?”

Randy grinned. “Because I suspect I’m going to hit a lot of porn sites on the way through, and I didn’t want you wandering in and finding me looking at gay porn. It might give the wrong impression.”

His dad laughed. “Okay. We’ll look together. If your mum walks in, I’ll cop the flak.”

The search commenced…

There is a large rocky hill at the end of the back paddock. Early on during the colonization of Australia, someone had used the side of the hill as a small quarry. It hasn’t been used as such for decades, as far as I know, but it left a small sheltered cove in the corner of the paddock. To make it even cosier, someone had built a small dam just outside the cove. Add in the surrounding gum trees, and you end up with a picturesque little corner that seems to be isolated from the rest of the world. It’s beautiful during the day, but at night the reflections of moonlight off the dam create a magical atmosphere where it seems that nothing else in the world exists. All there is is you, the water, and the occasional kangaroo.

Whenever I’m stressed or just need a quiet place to rest for a while, I go down there to get away from everything. The family understands this, and if they know that I’m there, they stay away. I have my own special place in the old quarry, where the cut-away stone has formed a small platform that provides the perfect vantage point to contemplate the water in the dam, with its reflections of the trees and sky. When I’m there, time has no meaning.

My mind was in such a state of chaos that it took longer than normal for the magic of the dam to take over. I don’t know how long I sat there, but eventually I found myself not thinking, but merely absorbing the serenity and calm like a sponge. It was time to start working on my problems.

I had been wrong to fly off the handle like I had. Reluctantly, I admitted to myself that Randy was right. Adam is still a friend and needs my support to help him through this crisis. However, I didn’t need to do this alone. Randy had already said that he would do anything he could to help. Dad and Mum would provide a place for Adam to stop running, and all of us would make a home for him to relax into.

First priority — making sure that Dad’s horror scenario would not come to pass. I could not let Adam die. When I got back, I would print out one of those webpages on the signs to look out for. Better still, I’d print out a few copies and give them out to our friends at school. I was sure Liz would help. One of the things we had read was that having someone he trusted to go to would help stop Adam from getting too depressed.

A feeling of anguish washed over me as I realized that I wouldn’t be one of those that Adam would go to. The things I had said would be like a wall between us for some time. To get Adam to overcome this delusion of being gay, I would have to wear that wall down. The problem is that a wall has two sides. I can do what I can to break down my side, but what if he just keeps building up his side in an effort to keep me away? Sighing sadly, I hesitantly accepted that I’d messed up big time. It’s unfair to put the burden on Randy’s young shoulders, no matter how broad, but he will need to be Adam’s confidant.

Second priority — getting Adam over this gay phase. I was a little lost on how to do this, but I was sure Liz would have some ideas. Finding Adam a girlfriend is an obvious thing to try, but I’m not sure what he looks for in a girl. I can’t recall him ever having a girlfriend. Maybe that’s been his problem all along. Being too shy to ask a girl out, he probably thinks that means he’s gay. I smiled as I realised that there could be a simple solution to the problem.

But what if it didn’t work out? Frowning, I contemplated what else I could do. Would a dose of what being gay really means snap him out of the delusion? Being ostracized at school, being bullied and picked on, would these help sort him out? A dangerous approach, but it might work. However, that should be kept as a last resort, as that can’t easily be reversed if it gets out of hand.

Was there anything else I could do? I couldn’t think of anything. Maybe there are some suggestions on the Internet. After all, Adam can’t be the first person to make the mistake of thinking he’s gay. Someone will have been through it before and can tell me how they got sorted out.

Putting that problem aside for the moment, I remembered Dad’s comments about tomorrow’s game. I wondered if I could still continue to play basketball with Adam on the same team. I no longer saw any problems with that, but would Adam want to play on the same team as me? Recalling the verbal assault I had inflicted on him, I cringed, thinking that unless Adam is a lot more forgiving that I imagined, he wouldn’t want to play if I was there. I was going to have to apologise first thing in the morning, even though I’m not really very good at apologies (I have trouble lying to myself when I’m here at the dam). I’d have to do it. Either that, or offer to sit the game out so Adam could play without me being there. I felt I owed him at least that much for what I’d said.

Okay, now I had a plan of attack. Sitting back, I let my mind go. Contemplating nothing, I watched the reflections of starlight play across the surface of the water. Showing me the indifference that the world of nature places on my thoughts, the starlight still supported me with a promise that my life will survive even this crisis.

I rested there a while, thinking of nothing, until it was time to return to the world of the average teenager…

It was close to midnight when Adam sat up with a start. The nightmare that had woken him was already fading from his mind. All he could remember was floating in the middle of a deep, black ocean under a moonless night sky, as his dad sailed away without a backward glance. His plaintive cries of “Please don’t leave me” still echoed around the room, as the tears started cascading from his eyes.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and his head dropped down as he started to sob.

“Adam? Are you alright?” came a sleepy voice, as if from a distance. It was a long moment before he could recall whom it belonged to.

“Adam, its Randy. I’m here, I won’t leave you,” the voice continued, growing stronger.

A shadowy, half-naked figure rose up beside the bed. Adam froze for a moment.

“You’re safe now. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. I won’t leave you, I promise.”

The figure sat down next to Adam and put an arm around his shoulder. For a moment, they sat like statues, neither sure what to do, before Adam rolled into the comfort of the younger boy’s chest. Hesitantly, Randy put his other arm around his heartbroken friend. Randy rocked Adam gently, his body and arms providing the safe haven that Adam so desperately needed. He wouldn’t drown in the ocean of despair whilst he had somewhere safe to rest.

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