After having watched Pick’s emotional realization that his son was alive and safe, Josh remained in his office for half an hour. Josh felt that was enough time for Pick and Levi to expend their emotion and he wanted to tell Pick to take the rest of the day off. He found Pick in his office, Levi on his lap. Pick still had tears running down his cheeks and would alternately stroke the boy’s hair and give him hugs accompanied with sobs of joy and relief.
Levi, too, was crying softly. He was telling his daddy his story and had gotten to Paulo’s death. Josh almost decided not to disturb them. For the first time in his life, Levi was receiving love, sympathy, and consolation from his father. Josh realized that Pick’s sobs were not only for his joy and relief but also for his son’s pain.
Josh again marveled at the change in this man who for so long had thought only of himself. He had thought very little of himself, but his own whims and desires came before responsibility to family and compatibility with other people. Josh thought of Pete. Dodd had said to him once, “Look what a little love and affection can to for a child.” Josh was constantly amazed at what a little respect had done for Pick. The man had changed himself from the town pariah to one of its more respected citizens. When Pick’s attitude toward himself had changed, his attitude toward others had changed. Josh had seen Pick’s concern for let out children, and his love for his own children, but what Josh saw now was a complete devotion to his son, and he marveled, not only at the change in the man, but at it’s rapidity and it’s thoroughness. Once Pick had learned to value himself, he could understand and revel in the value of his children. While he didn’t love Levi any more than his other children, having thought he’d lost the boy he was currently consumed by the boy’s value to him.
Josh thought of his own children. Joshua was growing so fast. So were the others, but the thought of any of his children leaving home had never really been a matter of thought for Josh. Joshua would, of course, be the first to go and, at that moment, Josh was consumed by his love for the boy and pathos that life was moving so fast.
Josh was still standing in the doorway, trying to decide if he should disturb the intimacy of father and son, when Levi noticed him. Without thinking, he referred to Josh as Jamie had, and as he himself had when in San Francisco. “Uncle Josh, look at my daddy. He’s all cleaned up and he’s dressed fancy like you and James. I think I can live with my Daddy and still love him. I’ll give it a week like you said, but I already know I can.”
At hearing his son’s remarks, Pick again began to sob and repeat over and over, “I’m so sorry, Levi.” He had spent the first five minutes of their togetherness saying that and now he looked at Josh.
“Josh, what a waste my life has been. For so long I lived with anger, and now, it seems, I must live with regret. It’s an awful thing to know your boy wanted to love you but thought he had to be away from you to do it. We lost so many years.”
“But you have many more years ahead of you, Pick. You probably will always have regrets. We all live with some. But, Pick, look what you’ve done with yourself. You’re now one of my best friends. I’ve told you how proud I am of you and how much I depend on you. You have more reason to be proud than you have to regret. Look where you were four months ago and where you are now. I don’t know of another man who could have made that trip that far and that fast. A man wants his friends to be happy, so live with pride and love, not regret. Life’s too good and too short for that.”
When Levi heard Uncle Josh say that his daddy was one of his best friends, he became more convinced that he could live with his daddy and love him. In the back of his mind, he still had apprehension about living in that filthy shack but he didn’t know how his daddy could live there and be as clean and smell like he did now. Levi couldn’t help think about James’s house and he felt guilty. His daddy was a changed man, like the teacher said. Why was the kind of house they lived in so important to him that he still had some doubt about staying in Carson City?
“I’ve come to tell you to take the rest of the day off, Pick.”
Pick stood, tears still flowing from his eyes. He tried to say something to Josh but each time he tried, he choked up, so finally he simply embraced the man. That said more than words could have.
Levi also hugged Josh. He was probably happier than he thought he could ever be but he had some of the same mixed-up feelings he had in San Francisco. They weren’t questions like could he love his daddy and live with him? He knew he could now. But he had come to love Jamie and James and Dorothy. “If I stay here, Uncle Josh, will I ever see Jamie again?”
“Of course you will. Dodd and Elizabeth will be getting married soon and James’s family will be here for that. If your daddy lets you, you can go out and visit next summer and Jamie can probably come to Carson City. He loves you, too. He loves his cousins, but I think he loves you more. You two have become brothers.”
Pick pulled on a rope hanging from the ceiling just outside the door to Josh’s office. Somewhere in some distant part of the building, Levi heard a bell ring. Almost before the sound of the bell was gone, a Mexican man came into the room. “Jorge, please get my horse and buggy.”
“Se, Senor Pick.” Jorge left almost on the run.
Levi’s eyes bugged out when he saw the fine horse and the shiny new buggy. Other than that spavin, bad-tempered, swaybacked horse that killed his mother, the Fillions had never owned a horse. This one looked as fine as James’s or Uncle Josh’s or Mister Manning’s. “Is that yours, Daddy?”
“He’s ours, son.”
Levi teared up. This was like at James’s. Things belonged to the family. That beautiful animal belonged to the family, and Levi was part of that family. He hugged his daddy again. Each new thing that happened made him feel more like he was going to stay in Carson City, and each time he didn’t know whether to cry because he was going to miss Jamie or to cry because of how his daddy was and knowing he could love his daddy and still be with him.
Until San Francisco, Levi had never ridden in a buggy. As he climbed in, he remembered how proud he was sitting high up there on Mister Manning’s delivery cart. He knew that the driver of a horse sat on the right side of the buggy seat so without being told he ran around and climbed into the left side. Pick crawled into the driver’s seat and smiled down at Levi and then he hugged him again and started to cry. “I thought I’d never see you again, Levi. I thought you’d died knowing only the daddy I used to be. I thought I’d have to live the rest of my life thinking you’d died never knowing how much I loved you.” Then, through his tears, Pick got a playful grin on his face. “You used to have a daddy that cussed and yelled a lot. Now you’re going to have to get used to one who cries a lot.”
Pick headed the horse in the old familiar direction, toward the shack. Levi didn’t say anything but he knew that he was not going to sleep in that filth and stink. He wanted to see his brother and sisters but as soon as he’d seen them, he was going to Uncle Josh’s. Uncle Josh said he could sleep there. Anyway, Noah was the same age as he and Jamie. Maybe he could get to be good friends with Noah and not miss Jamie so much.
Pick still had that playful grin on his face and Levi got the feeling he was up to something. James got a look some like that when he was teasing Jamie and Lucinda. Could his daddy be teasing him? What was he teasing him about?
Levi didn’t have to wait long. They turned the corner around the warehouse and it was gone. The place where the shack had stood now contained railroad tracks. Pick looked at his son and got the desired reaction. Levi’s eyes got so big they seemed to take up half his face. Pick hugged the boy again and said, “Oops, I forgot. We don’t live here anymore. I sold that land to the railroad and they tore the shack down, something I should have done a long time ago. The Virginia and Truckee is going to run from Virginia City to Carson City. When you go back to visit Jamie in San Francisco, you’ll be able to ride the train all the way after about February of next year.”
Now, that was exciting, a train coming to Carson City. Levi didn’t think too much about it, though. He could think about trains later. Now all he could, or wanted to, think about was his daddy. He knew that his daddy was teasing him, that he went toward the shack to make him think they still lived there. This was another new thing about his daddy. This was the first time he could remember his daddy playing with him.
Pick smiled, tousled the boy’s hair, and hugged him to himself again. Levi snuggled against his daddy and stayed there while Pick turned the horse around and headed toward the fancy side of town.
Levi knew the house. It was painted white and it had grass around it like, well, like a fancy house. Ira Short used to live there. Ira’s daddy was kind of a big shot on the railroad. He was going to Sacramento when outlaws held up the train in the California mountains. His daddy got killed and his mama took her children and went back to Ohio. It wasn’t as big and fine as Uncle Josh’s or James’s but it wasn’t no shack neither. It looked like it had a lot of rooms and it had windows way up high so Levi knew it had an upstairs like Jamie’s house. It had a pretty big barn in the back, and there were bushes planted from the back door to the privy so nobody could see who had to go. Levi was not all that modest, but he always hated when he had to go and people were driving by and would laugh. Some popinjay boys would even yell things like, “Is that your bedroom, Levi? It must be. You sure smell like shit.” Levi never really knew what they were talking about until he began taking baths regularly.
It had become Albert’s habit to run out to greet his daddy when he heard the buggy enter the drive. It was the middle of the day, but Albert heard a buggy, and being seven years old and not given to paying attention to time, did not think about it being too early for his daddy to be home. He ran out the door ready to make his usual leap into his daddy’s lap and guide the horse the rest of the way to the barn when he stopped so suddenly that he looked like a galloping horse that had come to the end of its tether and was jerked to a stop. It made no difference that Levi looked not at all like the brother he had known. Albert recognized him immediately, and it was into Levi’s lap that he leaped. He wrapped his arms around Levi and let out a shriek that horrified Minnie, Marie and Luzette, as well as Miss Celia Veterhoph, who now cared for the children while Pick was at work. The shriek was followed by loud sobs, and the girls and Miss Celia were sure the poor boy had been gravely injured. They ran from the house.
The scene that followed defies description. There were, of course, hugs and kisses. There were sobs and laughter. There was the cacophony of everyone trying to ask questions at the same time, but mostly there was joy—unspeakable, indescribable joy. And for Levi there was his daddy, and although he wouldn’t have said it this way, there was peace and security, and finally the love for which he had so yearned in San Francisco. Levi was home.
Levi was also a little taken aback. Pick had ground-hitched the horse and was sobbing loudly, his arms wrapped around this lady that Levi didn’t know.
“I got my boy back, Cel. I got my boy back.”
The lady hugged Pick tightly. As his emotion subsided she stroked his hair and kissed him gently on the forehead and the cheek. “Somehow, Pick, dear, I always knew you would.”
Pick released his hold on her and turned to Levi. This is Miss Celia Veterhoph, son. I want you to get to know her real well. If you can get to love her like Minnie, Marie, Luzette and Albert do, she’s going to be your new mama.”
Celia turned to Levi. Just her smile told the boy that she loved him, and, while he wasn’t completely sure, he thought he loved her already. He fell into her arms. Brief thoughts of Dorothy and Aunt Elizabeth flickered across his mind. He had loved their hugs but this hug was coming from the lady who could become his mama. It all was too much. He began to sob. He had felt secure at James’s, but he always had that question about his daddy. That question was gone now. There was love here in this big, clean house. There were his clean and neatly dressed brother and sisters and there was this lady, who the longer he hugged her the more sure he was that he loved her. Levi had sobbed in relief when he had found the teacher. He had sobbed in relief when he knew he didn’t have to go back on the street. He had sobbed in relief and love when he saw what his daddy was now. And now, as Celia lightly kissed his forehead and cheeks, he sobbed in relief because he knew it was finally over. There were no more questions. He could live here and love his daddy and he now knew that he would also have a mama to love him and for him to love.
Levi lounged in his daddy’s lap as he again recounted his story. His brother and sisters stood close, wanting to be as near their newly found brother as possible. Marie, who had always been loving and tenderhearted behind her facade of anger and filth, would caress his cheek or his hair, or just touch him, as if she were reassuring herself that her brother was, indeed, back home and safe.
Levi didn’t mention the part about the peg house when he first told the story to Pick and neither did he now. He would tell his daddy when they had more time to talk about it. The shack had been one room so he knew what men and women did but he wondered why someone would want to do that to a boy. Paulo had talked about doing things with girls, and while Levi kind of thought he was lying, he had a lot of questions about that sort of thing. He didn’t feel comfortable asking James, even though he loved James like a daddy. But Pick was his real daddy, not a pretend one as James had been. Levi would ask him when they had time to be alone.
Albert’s eyes got big when Levi told of the buggy rides down hills and the fish that were bigger than he was. The girls shuddered when he told of the storm and the entire family wept with him when he told about Paulo.
He didn’t intend it to be, but Levi’s tone was almost boastful when he told of his relationship with the Forrests and Jamie. His amazement that the Forrests would have anything to do with him had turned to pride at the fact that they loved him. He talked with pride and love of Jamie and even Lucinda. He told, still with a sense of awe, how Dorothy had treated him just as she did Jamie. He ended that portion of his story with, “And I ain’t nothin’ but a Fillion”.
“It’s I’m not, dear.” Levi looked at Celia with a start and then a smile. She was, after all, a teacher and he had not yet gotten over his occasional ‘bad talkin’ habits’.
“You better not ever let Miss Lillian hear you say things like that. When daddy first started getting to be a new daddy, Miss Lillian and the teacher came over and helped me make that old shack look pretty good. She fixed Marie’s, Luzette’s and my hair and made us pretty dresses. She made us all learn to act right, and one day when she was fussing at me for cussing I got mad and said, ‘I ain’t nothin’ but a Fillion. We ain’t nothin’. That’s how Fillions talk.’
“Well! You’d have thought I did the worst thing in the world. She didn’t hit me or yell at me, but she gave me a good talkin’ to—and it wasn’t for cussing, it was for talking bad about myself. She said, ‘Don’t ever say that again. You’re a fine girl and you need to act like it. Minnie, you are something. You’re a child of God and He loves you, and I love you, and the quicker you learn that the quicker you’ll start acting like the somebody I know you are.’”
Minnie continued, “I think folks always did think we were something. But we didn’t, and we acted like we were nothing. It wasn’t that folks didn’t like us. They didn’t like the way we acted, and they didn’t like how we were always dirty and smelled bad.
“We’re Methodists now, and a lot of folks from the Methodist Church helped us, but it was mostly Daddy. He’s just not the same Daddy. I remember when he brought the bathtub home. He looked the same, but he got to be a whole different daddy. He doesn’t drink whiskey anymore and he’s always loving on us. He said he didn’t know how much he loved us until he lost you. He cried a lot for you and he hasn’t beat us since Sheriff Thorn took you off. Miss Celia spanks us if we’re really bad, and Daddy will talk hard at us, but he said he’s never going to lay a hand to another child.”
Levi cuddled a little closer into his daddy’s lap. This was a different home. Minnie had learned the same things Levi had. She was right, and he never should have said that Fillions were nothing. He didn’t believe that anymore himself, but he had thought it for so long it just sort of slipped out.
Albert took note of the hint of boastfulness in Levi’s talk of his friendship with Jamie. Even in his deep love for his returned brother there was a touch of sibling rivalry. He needed to let his brother know that Levi wasn’t the only one with Forrest friends. “I play with Aaron and Caleb Forrest all the time. I sleep at their house some and they sleep here some. They’re my best friends. Aaron’s eight, I’m seven and Caleb’s six. Miss Lillian calls us her stair steps.”
They heard singing. Levi didn’t recognize the song but the rest of the family did. Somebody was outside singing Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow. Levi reluctantly left his daddy’s lap and ran to the window with the rest of the children. There on the lawn was a large crowd of people. Levi recognized some of them. He knew the man in the front was the preacher. He saw Aunt Elizabeth, and he knew that tall man was her daddy. He guessed that the lady with them was Aunt Elizabeth’s mama. He saw Uncle Josh and his boys and probably that lady with him was Miss Lillian.
Pick and Celia went out on the porch to greet the people. Pick spoke with the preacher. Levi couldn’t hear what they were saying but it must have had to do with him. They kept looking at the house and his daddy pointed at the window where Levi was standing. It seemed to Levi that all the people in Nevada must have been there and they were all looking at him. Suddenly Levi was a little boy again. This boy who had outwitted the evil Thorn, who had survived on the dangerous and cruel streets of San Francisco, who had witnessed the deaths of his dearly-loved friend and the cruel Thorn… this boy who had survived and remade himself was now home and safe, and he had earned the right to be the shy, embarrassed little boy he was right then. He knew how to act in the face of danger, but he didn’t know how to act with all those people looking at him.
Pick called the children out. Levi was the last to leave the sanctuary of the house. When he appeared, the crowd cheered and clapped. Men threw their hats in the air and women cried. He was soon being hugged by the preacher, who prayed long and loud, thanking God for the boy’s safe return to his loving family and to the father who God had so wondrously transformed from a drunken sinner to a man of God and a servant of mankind.
The longer the preacher prayed, the louder he prayed, and the harder he squeezed his hug on Levi. Levi had gone to church with James and Dorothy and he understood and appreciated the prayer, but he had to pee and he was afraid the preacher was going to squeeze it out of him.
Everything worked out fine and Levi got to run to the privy before he was hoisted to the top of the fire cart which followed the town band in a parade down Main Street. It occurred to Levi that all the people in Nevada couldn’t have been on his front lawn. Both sides of the street were lined with people who clapped and cheered as he went by. Levi wondered how they all found out that he was back in Carson City but when he saw the men from the mine, he guessed Uncle Josh let folks off work and they went home and got their families. Uncle Josh had told him that people in Carson City were worried about him but he was a little surprised that so many people cared. What Levi didn’t know at the time of the parade was that Uncle Josh had wired from San Francisco and told folks the day they would arrive back in Carson City. All this greeting had been well planned.
Some boys whom Levi used to fight with in school were even clapping and cheering. He didn’t wonder about that much. They never really hated each other; Levi had just been a bully. He almost cried when he realized that they didn’t hold it against him, but he also knew how afraid he would have been if he had heard that some boy he knew had been kidnapped. Maybe those boys really hadn’t forgiven him, but he knew they were relieved that he was home safe.
Levi enjoyed the parade. He was proud up on top of the fire car, and he was touched by the genuine joy of the townspeople at his safe return. However, he would much rather have been in his new home, sitting on his daddy’s lap and being hugged by him.
But Levi had to wait a little longer for that. The parade ended at the riverside, at the same place where the Forrests had had their reunion. Levi, of course, was in San Francisco at the time of the reunion and he was surprised to see that while he was gone, someone had made a kind of park. Levi knew about parks. There were a lot of them in San Francisco, but this was the first one in Carson City. Before they got to the park, Levi could smell food and when they arrived, Pick wondered how they had kept this obviously well-planned and well-attended event secret from him.
It wasn’t just the people from the Methodist church. Probably most of Carson City and most of the bound holders whom Pick visited regularly were there. Levi had become a major matter of concern and prayer for everyone who knew about him. The Pinkertons had been working on the case but they had assumed that Levi had been killed, and spent most of their effort looking for Thorn, thinking he had holed up somewhere in the California mountains.
Noah Forrest attached himself to Levi right away. His daddy had mentioned to Noah how much Levi missed Jamie and Jamie was Noah’s favorite cousin. At least right now he was. Noah had so many cousins that he kept changing favorites. He loved them all but he was at the age at which one had to have a favorite everything: favorite color, favorite shirt, favorite Uncle, favorite friend, whatever. Levi took right to Noah too. He even looked some like Jamie. At first, it seemed like he was playing with Jamie but before long he was playing with Noah, and he could tell they were going to be as good friends as he and Jamie were.
For a while, Lukie had been Noah’s favorite cousin but Lukie had become best friends with Pete whom Noah also liked but didn’t know very well. Anyway, since they were almost babies, Noah and Jamie had simply gravitated to each other and since Noah didn’t get to see Jamie that much, having Levi was almost like having Jamie. Noah’s daddy had said the boys almost became brothers. Noah now actually saw Levi as another cousin.
There were somewhat tentative contacts made by the boys with whom Levi used to fight. Levi looked different and he seemed to act differently, and that day, at least, he was a celebrity. All boys are attracted to a celebrity and Levi’s former foes were no different. But they also remembered a bad temper and black eyes, so their moves were cautious, and adrenaline had them ready for a quick withdrawal if the Levi they saw was just a thin facade over the old one. He proved to be what he appeared to be and all the boys were soon involved in rowdy play. Levi’s play was frequently interrupted because he got too close to some lady and he was grabbed and hugged and had to wipe wet kisses or tears from his face as he resumed his play.
Levi had never been to a potluck before. The rest of the Fillion family had been to the Forrest Reunion but that wasn’t really a potluck. The Forrests had Mrs. Looney and the ladies from their church make all the food, but at this picnic people brought things from home. As with all western picnics, there were beef halves on spits and pots of barbecue sauce simmering, but the rest of the food was the pride of many of the town’s kitchens. A housewife always brought her best dish, her specialty, to a pot-luck and frontier women were good and resourceful cooks.
Eating had never been a source of enjoyment to Levi until he had stayed at James’s home. Previously in Carson City, it was done merely to stay alive and relieve hunger. The fare usually consisted of jerky and stale bread. Levi could not remember anyone in his home cooking anything. Until James’s, Levi didn’t know that a family sat down and ate together. The Fillions had always grabbed whatever they could find in the house whenever they felt like eating.
But Levi had learned to enjoy the taste of food and this was a regular festival of tastes. Before he had tried nearly half the things that looked good to him, he couldn’t stuff another bite into himself. He went to Celia to express his frustration. Celia gave him a hug and assured him that there would be many more chances for him to eat good food and warned him not to make himself sick by trying to eat too much. Levi’s eyes widened and he almost cried. He didn’t remember anyone but Aunt Elizabeth and Dorothy, when he first went to James’s and was soaking wet from the storm, worrying about him getting sick. It felt good having people care about you, but it did take some getting used to. It was then that it occurred to him to wonder why he had gone to Celia rather than his daddy. He loved his daddy, but when he wanted some tenderness, he had gone to Celia. He realized that it was just like what Jamie did. When he had wanted some sympathy or comfort, he had gone to his mother. When he realized what he had done, it pleased Levi. He already thought of Celia as his mother.
After the eating, the preacher took charge again. There was more singing and more prayer and a much too long, for Levi’s taste, oration of thanks to God for watching over Levi and for his safe return. The parson told how God watched even a sparrow fall and His little ones (Levi took some offense to that) were of much more importance to God than a sparrow. Levi had never thought much about God but he guessed what the preacher said was right. He just took too long to say it.
The parade, the picnic, the love and kindness of the people, the acceptance of children whom he had formerly tormented, all that was fun and gratifying to Levi and he appreciated it in his eleven-year-old way, but really he could have gotten along without it. Home with his family is where he wanted to be and when they finally got there, Levi was glad that the events had happened but he was also glad that they were over. He again sat on his daddy’s lap, his siblings still hovering over him, Marie stroking and kissing him, Albert trying to coax more stories from him, and Minnie and Luzette just basking in their relief and their love. For several hours they remained in the sitting room, reveling in Levi’s presence and just being a family.
No one was hungry after the feast they’d had at noon so there was no need to fix supper. Besides, several people had insisted that the Fillions take home uneaten portions of the dishes they had brought. Several times, Levi picked at some new and tempting food and Celia warned him again not to make himself sick. Celia didn’t understand why that warning got her a hug and a kiss, but she cared about him and Levi had to show her that he also cared about her.
At dusk, Celia went to the laundry stove, built a fire and put on water for baths. While it was heating, she came back into the living room and again they were a family. From the comfort and security of his daddy’s lap, Levi looked at Celia. She was a very pretty lady, but mostly she was… Levi couldn’t put a word on it. Nice wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t know any other words for what he felt. He just knew that this was his family and that if Celia were not there, it just wouldn’t be a family. After she went home, he’d tell his daddy to go ahead and marry her. Levi knew that he loved her.
Celia helped the girls bathe first. In the shack, although you never bathed, you undressed wherever you were. Levi knew nothing about modesty. He had learned, however, from living at James’s, that there were manners about where you undressed and who saw you with no clothes on. Albert had obviously learned the same thing. The boys stayed with Pick in the living room until the girls came, nightgown clad, to kiss their daddy goodnight.
Dorothy had supervised Jamie’s and his bath so Levi thought nothing about Celia seeing to it that both he and Albert were properly clean. Levi was given a new nightgown, and Celia explained that she had made new gowns for all the children and she knew Levi would need his when he got home. She had been thinking about him; she had been loving him even before she knew him. Levi wrapped his arms around her and hugged tightly, kissed her, and said, “I already know I love you, Miss Celia.”
Celia returned the hug and assured Levi of her love and when all the prayers were said (Albert had to coach Levi), and the children had been tucked in and tousled and kissed, Pick walked Celia the half mile to Mrs. Looney’s rooming house.
Pick kissed her goodnight and started back home. He could not help contemplating his life, where he had come from and where he was now, where he had been four months earlier and where he was now. He had done nothing in his life to deserve all the blessings that were currently his. Why should things have worked out so well for him? He was thankful, of course, but he was also confused, and for the first time he allowed himself to be aware of the fact that his relationship with Celia had not been totally honest.
Over the next two weeks Pick’s life could not have been fuller. Levi had settled in well but retained his almost clingy affection for his father. The boy had also adjusted well in the community. He and Noah Forrest had become almost inseparable but Levi’s celebrity had not worn off. The yard, even the house, seemed always to be full of boys who probably at first only wanted to bask in Levi’s celebrity but who had come to really like the boy. Paulo and Jamie had taught Levi the value of friendship and so Levi, never flaunting his celebrity, nurtured those friendships.
He had also found time to talk with his daddy about the peg houses and the other questions he had on related subjects. At hearing Thorn’s intent for his son, Pick, for the first time since Levi had been kidnapped, felt rage. Pick understood his son’s questions but was surprised to find himself very uncomfortable and feeling completely inadequate to give appropriate responses. It was that conversation with Levi that made Pick realize that he could never marry Celia. Pick loved her dearly but had never allowed himself to think of the intimate physical aspects of that love.
After that conversation with Levi, Pick slowly became contemplative, withdrawn and almost morose. Each day, Celia gently attempted to prod Pick to set a wedding date but he would not.
About two weeks after Levi’s return, Pick had painfully and reluctantly come to a decision. He could not marry her and he had to tell her that. As he walked Celia home that evening, he was strangely quiet. As he had become a new man, his former drunken boisterousness had become jovial good humor. He had a quick and clever wit. He was quick with a joke and had a full and hearty laugh. He was always pleasant company, not only for his lighter side, but because he could also engage in serious and now, even philosophical discussion. He had the ability to relate and react in any manner for which any social situation called. His avid reading made him knowledgeable. His insatiable curiosity made him a prober, one who pulled knowledge from others and caused them to think more deeply than they otherwise would have, and his affability made him a sought-after partner for those interested in light banter or mind-challenging conversation. Yes, Pick had become quite a talker, but not that night.
Celia thought she understood Pick’s silence. The only time this man she had come to love fell silent was when he was feeling strong emotion. They had talked about it. It was not a conscious decision on Pick’s part but he knew that silence and lack of activity during times of strong emotion were his way of assuring himself that he would not react to emotion as he formerly had. He did not trust himself yet. If he spoke or acted in strong emotion, he was afraid those words or actions would be what they had always been, cruel and violent.
So Celia walked silently beside him, holding his hand and with gentle loving squeezes assured him of her love and her understanding.
But she didn’t understand. This was a different kind of silence and a different Pick than she had known. Something had been bothering Pick for two weeks. It was more than the emotion of finding Levi, and it was controlling his mind right now. She deeply loved the man but when he kissed her goodnight and left the porch at Mrs. Looney’s, Celia was troubled because Pick was troubled, so troubled that he could not share it even with her. He had tried to tell her before he left her that evening but he could not.
Pick was deeply distressed. He had not told her. He could not. There was no question that he loved Celia or that she loved him. They had talked of marriage often and Celia had accepted and understood Pick’s unwillingness to marry before he had either found Levi or knew his fate. Pick could not give much emotional attention to anything but Levi and that was no frame of mind in which to start a marriage.
But Levi was home now, home and safe. Pick could no longer hide behind Levi’s absence. He thought he had faced up to what he always knew, that he loved Celia too deeply to marry her. She was a kind and gentle woman whose physical beauty was eclipsed by the beauty of her spirit. So far as Pick could see, she had no faults, but then he loved the woman.
Pick could not get his behavior during his previous marriage out of his mind. He had been demanding and brutal. True, Yvonne was far from a lady. She too was demanding and brutal but Pick was the larger and his physical strength had made her acquiesce or submit or had just plain bruised and bloodied her. The intimate relations he’d had with women had nothing to do with affection, love and tenderness. They had to do with desire and passion and domination. Yvonne had used intimacy as a weapon to be given or withheld as a reprisal, or simply at her whim. It was then that Pick would force her, and their encounters became ugly and depraved and repulsive to remember.
Pick loved his children but he realized now that none of them had been conceived in love. He knew what he felt for Celia and he knew how he wanted to show her that love but he feared that he was too much a creature of habit and it would be that habit that motivated him rather than his deep love for the woman. Even the thought that he might hurt her caused him to so loathe himself that he could not think of physical intimacy without being overcome by the ugly memories of the past. He loved Celia deeply in thought but he feared that he would not know how to love her in practice. She was a lady and he saw himself in no way worthy of her.
For the first time in months, Pick had an almost uncontrollable urge to get drunk. He loved Celia and he knew that she loved him. He no longer had Levi as an excuse and he would have to tell her what he had really known all along. He could not marry her. He hated himself for having pretended that he would, for making her think that as soon as his mind was at ease regarding Levi, he would marry her. He wanted to marry her. He wanted desperately to marry her, and telling her that he could not would destroy him just as it would deeply hurt her. Why was he like he was? Why had he been born?
For just a moment he hated Dodd Forrest. Dodd had given him respect that he did not deserve. Dodd had made him believe that he could be something that he could not be. Had Dodd not become his friend, Pick could have just remained a drunken ruffian and Levi’s kidnapping, Celia, this facade of gentlemanly behavior, this new respect, none of it would have happened. Pick would probably have killed Dodd and been himself killed by Thorn or have been hung and he would be dead, feeling nothing, not knowing this present agony of ambiguity and self hatred.
But he could not hate Dodd. Pick felt that he now had many friends but none like Dodd. How could he describe Dodd’s friendship? Pick felt a love for the man, much like Pick thought one might feel for a brother. Pick now knew that he had never loved his biological brothers. He realized that he had felt nothing toward any of his family members. They were just there. He did not love them or hate them. He had enjoyed, tolerated or avoided their company, or had been angry and lashed out at them—but all of those feelings had to do with him, not with them. They had been simply the instruments of his own ego gratification or recipients of the emotion of the moment. He had not been loved so he did not know how to love. Love, he knew now, was a reciprocal thing and he felt that he was now no different than he had ever been. He was sure that he knew only how to relate to himself and his feelings. Other people, his own family—and until recently, even his own children—had become real to him only when they happened into his sphere of self. Then he would use that intruder as the emotion of the moment demanded.
Pick sighed deeply. He was what he was, certainly not what he was currently making people think he was. He had lied often in his life but now he knew that it was not what he said that was the lie. It was what he was.
Pick could abolish all this misery with only one bottle of Rye. The saloon pulled desperately at him and probably more than at any other time in his life, he wanted to be drunk, he needed to be drunk. He loved Celia but he could never marry her and he had to tell her that. He had never in his life been faced with so difficult and frightening a task. Twice he started for the saloon and twice he turned back. Pick couldn’t even do that. It seemed to him at that moment that he could do nothing right. He had lied. He had led Celia to believe they would be married as soon as he knew about Levi. Perhaps he had thought that he would never know about Levi and this day would never come. Perhaps he thought that he would never have to break her heart, and his.
Getting drunk and forgetting it all seemed so right. One bottle of Rye and the misery would be gone. He started again for the saloon. He walked blindly, weeping bitterly. Rational thought seemed to have abandoned him. He was moving from force of habit, almost instinct. He was going to the one place he knew would give him that relief. He hated what he had been before, but he could not bear the pain. He reached for the door and entered. It was only then that he realized he was in Dodd’s house.
With their wedding day quickly approaching, Elizabeth had been spending most of her free time at their home, making it livable and giving it her special touch. Most of the house was now furnished, the only exceptions being those things which were to be brought from Dodd’s childhood home.
Elizabeth was alone in the house. She was currently covered with almost as much paint as she had on her kitchen walls. Dodd had thought it foolish for her to spend taxing, tiring days in the office and then give long evenings to painting her house, but Elizabeth was Elizabeth. It had been a long-held dream, to own this house and to make it, well, perfect. Dodd wisely had only offered to hire Ceaphus Longren to do whatever remodeling and painting Elizabeth wanted done. After Elizabeth’s quick refusal, Dodd did not press the issue.
Pick seemed in a daze. At first Elizabeth thought him drunk and her heart sank. The Forrests—the whole town, for that matter—had been so proud of him, and the thought that he had relapsed was devastating. Elizabeth’s devastation was right away replaced by embarrassment and a touch of fear. She quickly realized that Pick’s condition was caused by anguish, not alcohol, but she was embarrassed that she might have thought that this man who had proved to have such tenacity, fortitude and courage would allow alcohol any power over him. The fear came because she thought that only some family disaster could have reduced Pick to his current state.
Without regard to the paint on Elizabeth’s hands and overalls, Pick fell into her arms. “I can’t tell her, Elizabeth, I can’t tell her.”
Elizabeth did not press for an explanation. Her own heart had been so close to it that she recognized a broken heart. She allowed Pick to dispel his emotions until he was able to talk. She did not interrupt. For almost an hour, during which Dodd had come home, Pick poured out his love for Celia and his fear and hatred of himself. “I should have told her. I always knew that I could not marry her but I needed her and I treated her selfishly just as I’ve treated people all my life. I never hit her, but I am going to have to hurt her more deeply than I have any other person, and I have hurt many people. I don’t want to be this way but I apparently am what I am. I don’t even know why I am here. I was headed to the saloon. I don’t know how I got here.”
By now, Elizabeth had gone to get Lillian to stay with Pick’s children. She would be back. She knew the friendship that had developed between Pick and Dodd but she also knew that she could contribute to the discussion.
There was a continued long pouring out of Pick’s fear and heartbreak. Dodd let him talk, and as Pick emptied his soul Dodd became more and more pained for him. Dodd had really come to love this man. Feeling Pick’s pain, Dodd had tears in his eyes and in his voice. “You came here because this is where you find your solace now. You don’t find your solace in booze anymore. You find it in our friendship. Pick, you are a changed man. You wanted relief from your deep hurt so you headed for that relief. You ended up here and not at the saloon. Think about it, Pick. Coming here and not to the saloon was not a conscious decision. It happened because that’s what you are now. Think, Pick, think! Four months ago you would have ended up in the saloon. Four months ago you would have lashed out at Celia. You didn’t end up in the saloon, and you won’t lash out at Celia.
“I choose my friends carefully, Pick. I do not have a friend who I love more and of whom I’m more proud. I’m honored that you want me for a friend but if I thought for a minute that you were the man that you, at this moment, think you are, you could not be my friend. We all must have friends whom we respect and love. If I thought you were the helpless victim you are now describing, I might respect you as a creature of God and I might pity you, but I could not be your friend. But, Pick, you are my friend. You are my friend because I know the real man. I understand your fear, and I’m honored that you came to me, and you are a man I want for a friend. You are not now, and you can never again be, the man you were, the man your fear has made you think you are.”
By now Elizabeth had returned. “Pick, you are a good man. I respect you greatly for wanting to protect Celia. I don’t want to belittle your present emotion, but both Dodd and I have stories of our pre-marriage fears. There’s probably some rational basis to your fears, but what’s happening to you is what has happened to all of us. We’re all afraid to take the marriage step.”
“I wasn’t the first time. I didn’t think—”
Elizabeth interrupted. “That’s right. At that time you weren’t thinking. Had you been, you’d have been just as afraid. Pick, your marriage won’t be perfect, because people aren’t perfect—and neither you nor Celia are. But because of the people you are, it will be wonderful, and as years pass it will become more wonderful.”
Pick remained pensively silent. When he spoke it was to no one and to everyone. “I do love her. My children love her, and I know she loves us.”
There were several more minutes of pensive silence and then Pick brightened. “I believe you’re right. I don’t have to let what I was continue to determine what I am or what I will be. I’m going over there right now. I have to talk to her and explain what I’ve been going through. I love her and she loves me and I have left her wondering, I’m sure.”
“That’s won’t be necessary. I met her when I went to get Lillian. She was coming here to talk to Dodd and me. You’re right, she knew you were troubled and needed to talk to us. She loves you, and she knows you well—but she agrees that no one knows you as well as Dodd does. She’s in the parlor.”
Pick went to her. He told her of his concern and of his love for her. Celia assured Pick of her love and that she was not the kind of woman to allow herself to be abused. If she had thought that a possibility, she would not have allowed herself to fall in love with Pick.
Pick’s confidence did not return in a moment, but Celia’s love began gently to restore his sense of self-worth. Celia’s reassurance and her love and the enthusiasm of his children to have Celia for a mother made Pick realize that just as his impulse for solace had changed, so had his impulses in other areas of his life, including intimacy. Within two weeks of that awful night, Pick and Celia had set a wedding date. A month later, the wedding was simple but beautiful. Dodd was best man and Elizabeth was maid of honor. Levi and Minnie were the only other attendants. Marie and Luzette were flower girls and Albert was the ring barer. The newspaper listed among the out-of-town guests the James Forrest family and Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus Manning of San Francisco, California.
Copyright © 2003 Gordon L. Klopfenstein