My Mission President called me and told me I was being transferred to North London. My companion would be Elder Haines and he would be my senior. I had only been on my mission for three months. Elder Haines would be ending his mission in about nine months. I had been a fourteen-year-old convert to the Church. My parents were not very religious and had no objection to my joining. The young missionaries came to my home and taught me the church lessons in preparation to joining the church. I’m from a small town in Ohio and the membership wasn't big enough yet for a ward, so I attended a branch for church every Sunday. I loved it. It felt so right. But, I was gay. I knew it. I never admitted it to anyone for a long time. I hadn't done anything about my sexual urges other than masturbate. I was too scared to try anything with anyone and being in this small town, there was no one I could trust to help me out.

Joining the church redirected my interests and I simply pushed my desires aside. I soon became an Aaronic priest. I had decided that I would go on a mission when I turned nineteen. I told my parents and they were fine with it. But I had to pay for the mission myself. When I turned sixteen, I got a job and saved all my money for the next three years for the mission. I was ordained an Elder and received my mission calling to England. After saying goodbye to my parents, I flew out to the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah, where I learned how to give the lessons. After about six weeks I was ready and then flew to England. My first companion was a nice guy, but seemed too distracted about going home. We got along well. We did everything that we were supposed to do. He even let me give a few lessons. The lessons were memorized and I tried to make it sound like they weren't. I slipped a couple of times referring to the "investigators" as Mr. or Mrs. Jones, which is written in the lesson script. I forgot to substitute the real names. Boy was I embarrassed when my companion told me about it. He went home when I was transferred. Up to this time, I had been very diligent in keeping my homosexual feelings suppressed. I loved the church, my testimony was strong and I really felt l like I belonged. I felt proud of myself. Then I met Elder Haines. When I looked into his eyes, I fell immediately in love, or lust, I wasn't sure which it was. All of my repressed homosexual feelings surfaced almost immediately. I felt myself in trouble.

I hid my feelings for Elder Haines as closely as I could. He was certainly a hunk. But it was his personality that hooked me. He was caring. He worked with me, studied the scriptures with me, he would always hug me (of course in a non-sexual way) in the morning before we went out and at bed time right after our nightly prays.

He became my mentor, my best friend. After a couple of weeks he began to show me affection as a "best friend" would. He told me he loved me as his friend and companion. Elder Haines was making it so hard for me that I was sure I had fallen in love with him. I had never felt this way about anyone in my life. On "P" days, our preparation day we cleaned our flat and did laundry together, we were best buds. The more love I felt for him, the more I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me keep myself together. I wrote in my journal every night about Elder Haines and our day's activities.

Elder Haines and I taught and baptized many investigators. I got to see him naked at those baptisms. Everyone wears white and the priesthood holder, usually the missionary, performs the baptism like John did by submersion into water. Elder Haines, being the senior missionary, usually got picked to baptize. I stayed with him, even in the changing rooms. When he came back from the baptism, he would be soaked. He had to bring a change of clothes. The first time, I watched with trepidation.

I knew I would be seeing him naked. I hoped I could control myself. He returned with the new member of the church, a young man about eighteen. They both started taking their clothes off. Elder Haines and now Brother Newell took off their shirts, Brother Newell had a white T-shirt on and Elder Haines had on his white garment top. They both removed their pants. Brother Newell wore regular white briefs and Elder Haines had his bottom garments, which today would be called boxer briefs since they would reach to his knees. I was desperately trying hard not to watch them. No one was speaking and finally, they were both naked and drying off.

Brother Newell was the first one I looked at. He had a nice athletic body, and I noticed he was uncircumcised which I discovered was the norm in England. I am uncircumcised as well, which is not the norm in the United States. Then I turned to look at Elder Haines. He was beautiful. His body as so hairy, I loved it. He was circumcised. I knew I would fantasize about him. I lost control and found myself extremely excited. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.

I did get the calling to do baptisms and if that included couples, then both Elder Haines and I would do the honors. And, yeah, we would be both naked together afterward. It was such a turn on. Thankfully nothing happened while we were nude, that gave me away, but I did get a little puffy there. A couple of times I could have sworn Elder Haines was puffy himself, but I figured it was, just my imagination.

We did maintain our personal modesty. We never showed our nakedness to each other in the pit. I don't think I could have dared to be naked in front of Elder Haines alone. I knew I would have lost it. If he found out I was gay and attracted to him, he would have called the Mission Prez and I would have been sent home, then probably excommunicated for being homosexual. Or so I believed.

Month followed month and neither of us were transferred. I always sighed with relief that I would have another month with Elder Haines. He stayed my companion for all nine months until he left. We were a great team together. It broke my heart to lose him. When we hugged the last night before his leaving, we held each other for quite a while. We talked about how we felt for one another. He said he loved me as his best friend and he never wanted to lose contact with me. We agreed to write and when I returned home we would call and meet as often as we could. He

told me that the months with me were the best of his mission. I told him I felt the same way. I told him I would miss him greatly. Some Missionaries get close to a companion, some can't stand each other. But for Elder Haines and I, we bonded.

The morning he was to leave, he came over to hug me. He placed his arms around me and kissed my cheek and said he loved me. It took everything I had not to breakdown and cry. Then he was gone.

While my new companion settled in, I went for my shower and I cried my heart out. I had thoughts I would never see him again. For the rest of my mission, I was faithful and diligent in my missionary duties. I received my first letter from Elder Haines after he got home. He told me he was going into medicine and he had met this really nice girl. He thought he would marry someday. I had six months left on my mission when he wrote he was getting married. They were going to wait until I got home so I could be his best man. I was so honored.

Then my mission was over.

I went home to Ohio and returned to the community college. I wanted to be a social worker so I studied for a degree. Jim paid for my flight to Houston for the wedding. It was great to see him again. At the airport, he hugged me and kissed on the cheek. I nearly fainted. He introduced me to Sara and off we went. The wedding was great. The calls became less frequent as he had school, a wife and a child on the way.

As the years passed, I found the loneliness so unbearable that at church, everyone tried to set me up with a girl. A big scandal broke out that two missionaries from the branch had been sent to the same mission home for their mission and returned home as lovers. I was offended by the way everyone treated them. Soon after that I drifted away from church and became inactive.

Jim called to tell about the birth of his son. He told me he named him James Richard, after us. I was overwhelmed. His life went on. I got so tired of being alone that I started driving to Columbus to the gay bars, I needed to find someone like Jim. I fooled around with some guys for a while. Then I got tired of it, got tested and stopped having sex.

Meanwhile Jim had two more sons. I thought Jim would follow Mormon tradition and have a large family. He already had three missionaries in the making.

I was working for Clark County in the children protective services division. I still had my faith, I prayed, but I was lonely. I kept working to keep myself occupied, but I knew I would have to change something soon. Two weeks before Thanksgiving in '91, Jim called me.

"Hi Rick, it's Jim." I could tell by the tone of his voice that something wasn't right.

"Hi Buddy, you are a little early with your annual Thanksgiving Day call...what's up?"

Jim was quiet for a couple of seconds, and then what seemed like a hushed voice he said, "I left Sara."

That blew me away. Never in a million years did I ever think that Jim wouldn't be with Sara and the kids forever, just no way.

"Jim, I am here for you, you are my best friend. You can tell me anything."

"Rick, I know you are my best friend, too. I thank God everyday that you have been in my life. But I am not the man you thought I was. I'm not the man I thought I was."

"Jim, what are you talking about?"

Jim was deathly quiet. I had the impression this was really hard to do. What could’ve happened that would take Jim away from Sara? They seemed so perfect together.

"I have had some...uh, feelings and desires that I have finally forced myself to accept. Rick, I am homosexual."

OH SHIT, I thought. A ton of bricks couldn't have knocked me on my ass more effectively than what he told me.

Apparently I was quiet too long. "Rick, are you still there."

"Yes." I said. I knew in the next few minutes I was going to have to tell him that I was gay.

"Jim, what is going on now?"

"I told my bishop a couple of weeks ago that I was struggling. He gave me a blessing and told me to pray about it. I did. Then two days ago I told Sara. Rick, the hurt on her face was devastating. I told her I would take care of everything. I packed my clothes and went to a motel. Yesterday, I rented the apartment I am in now. I called an attorney today so I can start taking care of Sara and the boys. I just got back from a meeting with my bishop where I gave him a letter to remove my name from the church membership rolls. I didn’t want any embarrassment for Sara and the boys, so I resigned from the church to avoid any disciplinary action and ex-communication. I love Sara too much to hurt her anymore then I have. Rick, I hope you will still be my friend."

I was so blown away by what he just told me.

"Jim, you are my best friend. I am here for you always."

I couldn't see him, but I sensed just by his breathing that he was relieved. I knew what I had to do.

"Jim, I have an idea."

"Yes."

"You have a two bedroom apartment, right?"

"Yes."

"You shouldn’t be alone right now. How would you like to have an old room mate move in with you?"

Now my thoughts at the moment were totally innocent and I deeply wanted to be there for him.

"How?"

"I don't have a lease on this place. I haven't been happy in my job. I hate it here in Ohio. I will pack my stuff and drive to Houston to be with you. I can't in good conscience abandon you in your present situation."

"You would give everything up you have known all your life to come here for me?"

"Yes."

"I don't know what to say, I’m touched."

"Look buddy, if I was in trouble, I always figured you be would be here for me, somehow."

"Yes, you're right, I would."

"But you won't feel uncomfortable being around me since I am gay?"

"Jim, I could never feel uncomfortable around you and besides..." Here it comes, I have to tell him, "...I’m gay, too."

There was complete silence on the phone. I could tell Jim was trying to rationalize it.

"Rick, did you just say to me that you're gay?"

"Yes."

"Rick, how long have you known?"

"Since before I joined the church. I was gay when I was baptized and I was gay when I was on my mission, I am gay now."

"I am stunned, Rick, I had no idea, none."

"Only my parents knew and I only told them after I got back from my mission."

"Wow."

"Jim, will you have the room ready for me when I get there?"

"You're actually going to come to Houston?"

"Without a second thought."

I called my parents that night, told them I was leaving town, packed my stuff and drove to Texas. It took two days. When I got to the apartment and Jim opened the door for me I just stood there; I couldn't move. I was afraid to move. Jim seemed to be feeling the same way.

So, I dropped my bags took him in my arms, kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I love you". His arms tightened around me and he began to weep. I moved into the spare bedroom. It would be six months before Jim and I became intimate. I didn't rush him because I didn't know if he felt that way about me.

On our first anniversary, I gave him my mission journals. I wanted him to know how I felt about him while we were together. When he was done, we had a long talk about what he had read. We laughed about my getting excited when I saw him naked for the first time. He knew. He figured it had more to do with teen hormones than anything else.

I was so happy to be with him and help him adjust to his new life. He missed his boys. I was glad to be there for him because I felt that without me, or someone, he would have been lost completely. Even though he was a psychiatrist, he couldn't heal himself.

The steaks were ready and the table set, so I went in to wake Jim from his nap. He looked so peaceful. It took quite a bit to wake him. The sex must have worn him out. When he got up, we had our dinner and a very quiet evening. That night, in bed, I held him close to me. I love him. I just plain love him.

I got up early the next day as I had an early appointment at the Gay Teen Youth Center. Jim had told me that he had given his patient my card and that I might see him today.

About 2 in the afternoon, this cute blond headed guy walked in. He seemed to be oozing self-confidence tinged with a sense of defiance. He saw me and walked my way.

"I am looking for a guy named Rick."

"You found him."

"Hi, I am, uh...Tyler. I am here to be tested."

"Okay. Go down the hall to your right here, second door on the left. The nurse will help you. When you are done, come out and we will chat, okay?"

"Yeah," he said and walked away.

About a half hour later he was standing in front of me.

"All done, Tyler?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you come with me to our conference room."

"Okay."

We went into the room and were seated at the table when he started off by saying, "I’m not gay. I just want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding."

"That's cool, Tyler, nobody said you were."

"I was told I had to come here and be tested and talk to you."

"So you were referred to me. So you are not here because you want to be?"

"No, not really."

"Okay. Why were you referred to me?"

"I am seeing this shrink...uh doctor who told me I had to."

"Everything here is confidential, even the testing is confidential, unless you asked to be tested for syphilis or gonorrhea. I am required by law to report those to the Health Department. Which tests did you request?"

"HIV."

"Are you sexually active, Tyler?"

"Yes."

"Don't you think you need to know if you have contracted other STD's?"

"No."

"Are you in a monogamous relationship or do you have multiple partners?"

"I have sex with different men."

"You are having random sex and you don't think it is wrong not being safe for them?"

"I know I am safe."

"The only way to be completely safe is not having sex at all."

"I’m not going to stop."

"So you use condoms for both oral and anal sex?"

"I use a condom for anal sex, not for oral."

"You can get STDs from oral sex. You did know that didn't you?"

"No."

"Do you let your partner finish off in your mouth?"

"No way."

"Why not?"

"That would be too gay."

"But you are having homosexual sex with men. That is gay."

"Doesn't apply to me. You are only gay if you let a guy, uh, finish in your mouth and you let him put himself inside you."

"Okay, so you are having sex with "gay men". Ever have sex with a straight guy?"

"Yeah, I find mostly married men. With regular guys, no, they would think I was gay and I’m not."

"But you are having homosexual relations with men."

"You sound just like the shrink who sent me here. Damn."

"You said you "had" to come here, why was it put to you that way?"

"Well, Rick, I am a Mormon. I want to go on my mission so this shrink has to clear me to go. So I am trying to be cooperative."

So this is the guy Jim sent me.

"How long have you been sexually active?"

"I started masturbating when I was 13, my first experience with a man was five years ago."

"Have you had sex with any females?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I am saving myself for marriage. I want to be a virgin for my wife."

"Tyler, you have had oral and anal sex?"

"And your point is?"

"Then you are not a virgin."

"She won't know about it."

"Tyler, that isn't fair to her or you. Surely you will have to tell her your sexual history before you marry."

"Nope, none of her business."

"Tyler, it is her business. You will be having unprotected sex with her, that would be what she is expecting, she needs to know your history."

"Nope."

"Okay, what if you do have an STD and you didn't know and you pass it on to her and even a baby, how will you handle that?"

"Easy, I don’t have any STDs so I am not worried about it."

"That is the most incredibly selfish irresponsible attitude to have, Tyler."

"I didn't come here to be insulted, Rick."

"I didn’t insult you. I stated a fact."

"Are we done here?"

"Sure."

And with that he grabbed one of my business cards and left the center.

That night, I cooked dinner again and told Jim I had met Tyler today.

"Good. Did he get tested?"

"Yes."

"Good. Did you talk to him?"

"Yes I did. What a hard headed, selfish and dangerous jerk."

"Wow. He really left quite an impression on you didn't he?"

"Yes he did. He is quite a good looking guy; he's just arrogant and totally in denial."

"I know."

"How are you going to deal with that attitude of his?"

"I won't know until I figure it out. There is a lot we have to cover before I write up an evaluation for Kent."

"Do you think that Kent would ever consider him for a mission calling?"

"I don't know yet. First impression? I wouldn't send him to a High School prom with my sister let alone represent the church on a mission."

"Why?"

"He told me about his sexual experiences being without any kind of emotion, just lustful and mechanical."

"When do you see him again?"

"Tomorrow."

The first time Jim and I did anything sexual was about six months after I moved in. Up to that point he had been very reserved with me; we had hugged and even kissed on the mouth, but we never touched otherwise. We discussed our sexual experiences and I knew that Jim had only been with Sara.

Sara had restricted their sex life to just intercourse. When Jim tried to initiate oral sex, she withdrew from him and said she didn't feel comfortable with it. Jim felt he had to be patient with her. Sara never did come around to the idea. Jim loved her too much to make a big deal about it. Jim's only other sex partner had been his hand before, during and after his mission until he got married.

So when we talked about it, I told him I wanted to take our relationship to the next level.

He was nervous, so I told him to trust me and I lead him to the bedroom. He was still wearing his church garments. Jim had never stopped wearing them even though he no longer was a member of the Mormon Church. He removed them that night and never wore them again. I made love to him. Though he seemed anxious at first, he found his passion and never looked back.

Afterwards, we showered together and cleaned each other up. As we cleaned each other’s genitals, we discussed the differences between being cut and uncut and he asked why my parents didn’t have me circumcised and I told him it was because I was a premature baby and the doctors usually don’t circumcise a premature babies because it would be too traumatic for them.

Though I believe that the procedure is too traumatic for a baby anyway. Jim agreed that, in his opinion, it was not medically indicated and regretted that it had been done to him. When his first son was born, Sara asked that they not have Jamie circumcised. Jim agreed to that, knowing that it wouldn’t be a problem remembering that I wasn’t from seeing me naked on the mission. Jim’s other two sons also remained intact at birth.

I never slept in my room again. We have never spent a night apart in thirteen years. I was so blessed that we found each other.

Tyler is due here in about fifteen minutes for our second session. I glanced at the notes from Tuesday. At the appointed time I went to the waiting room to get Tyler. He came in and sat in the rocker recliner again.

"Tyler, did you go to the Gay Teen Center yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Did you get tested?"

"Yeah, they took my blood."

"Did Rick talk with you."

"Yeah, he was a real jerk."

"Oh really, why is that?"

"He asked some pretty stupid questions and he told me I was selfish and irresponsible."

"Tyler, did he have a good reason to say that?"

"No. I am a very responsible guy. I am clean from all STD's...I protect myself."

"What about the men you are with, do you protect them?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

This is one argument that isn't going to be resolved, well, at least not yet.

"Tyler, have you ever had thoughts of suicide?"

Tyler was suddenly quiet. He wouldn't look at me. He looked right at the floor.

"Yes," he finally said.

"Have you tried to commit suicide?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I took my father's shotgun to my room one night. I thought long and hard about it. I even put the barrel to my head. That is when my father walked into my room. I scared the shit out of him. We talked it out."

"What prompted you to feel like you wanted to die?"

"I was tired of living with all this shit going on. My mother had gotten to me. Ever since she found out about the sex she has bitched and complained at me. My brothers and sisters don't know what to say to me. I have been getting the chill treatment from everyone. My dad has been the only one to talk to me and try to help me."

"Are you still living at home?"

"No."

"Where are you are living now?"

"With a friend."

"Is your friend gay?"

"No. He is just a friend. It’s just a place for me to sleep and stay away from home."

"Tyler, when did you move out?"

"About six months ago."

"Have there been any other times you tried to end it all?"

"Yes."

"How many?"

"A few."

"Do you feel suicidal now?"

"Sometimes."

"Any time after you moved out?"

"No."

"How about right now?"

"No."

"Do you thing committing suicide would solve all your problems?"

"Sometimes."

"Kind of a finality to it, isn't there?"

"I guess."

"Do you love your family?"

"Yes, I do, very much."

"And your mother?"

"Yes, I guess."

"Do you think they love you?"

"They used to. Now since I moved out, hardly anyone even calls me. I do miss Travis. We were so tight, we would tell each other everything. We were solid brothers; he took me everywhere with him and I really missed him when he went on his mission. Now...."

Tyler closed his eyes. I could see this caused him some pain.

"You said you told Travis everything, but you didn't tell him you were having sex, did you?"

"No. I couldn't tell anyone."

"You told your bishop, why?"

"He asked, like I told you."

"What do you think would have happened if you had told Travis you were having sex?"

"He would've given me grief about it since he would have assumed it was with girls."

"And, if you told him it was with men, what do you think his reaction would have been?"

"If I was still underage, he would've told Dad. He always liked looking out for me." Then he thought for a minute and said, "He would have told Dad not matter what, even if I wasn't underage."

"Was Travis on his mission when your parents found out?"

"Yes."

"Did Travis find out about it while he was still on his mission?"

"No, Dad forbade me from telling him in my letters to him. I drove to Virginia when his mission ended to pick him up. That was always our plan since I would be leaving for my mission within weeks of his returning."

"So did you tell Travis?"

"Yes. It was at the motel the night I picked him up. I sat him down and said that I had to tell him something that the rest of the family knew about and that he needed to hear it from me before we got home. I told him I had been suspended from church. He looked surprised and stunned. He asked what I had done. I

told him. It was like I stabbed him with a knife right through his heart. He didn't say anything to me the rest of the night. He just cried all night long. I did too. The next day he drove and didn't say anything for the entire drive. We could have made it home that day, but he wanted one more night in a motel room. I don't think he was ready to face this situation at home."

"Did something happen that night at the motel room?"

"Yeah, we watched TV for awhile. Then about 10 o’clock he shut it off and tore into me about how pissed off he was with me. Pissed that I never told him everything from the beginning, he thought we were the tightest two brothers could be and that I could have trusted him enough to tell him I was even having those kind of thoughts. That I cheated him from being there to help me with it and could have accepted the fact if I had come to him and told him I was gay or even had gay inclinations because he loved me. I told him I wasn't gay, but he said me that was bullshit. He then went on to condemn me for having had sex with men, lying to him, putting our parents through hell, putting my mission in jeopardy, showing disrespect for the church, its institution, teachings and doctrine, things we both shared as sacred. It was beyond him. I thought he was so furious with me at that moment I thought he was going to beat the shit out me. I even think he thought about beating the shit out of me, but then he stormed out. He didn’t come back for a couple of hours. I don’t think he slept that night either. He had his homecoming celebration without me. I didn't go. I felt like I no longer belonged to the family. Travis hasn't spoken to me since. I miss him."

"Is this the first time you have told anyone about Travis' reaction."

"Yeah."

It was obvious he was trying to hold back his emotions.

"Tyler, you have lost a lot from all this haven’t you?"

"Yeah."

"In hindsight, would you have changed anything about what has happen the last five or six years?"

He thought long and hard on that one, and then in a whispered voice he said, "Yes."

I let him sit there for a little while letting him dwell on his thoughts. I continued writing my notes.

"Tyler, tell me about your first job."

"It was at a video store. The manager had just been transferred here and he too was a Mormon. My dad was still Bishop then and he talked to Gary, the manager, about me getting a job. I was just turning sixteen. I was hired."

"Did you like working at the video store?"

"Yeah, it was fun. Gary and I got to be pretty good friends. I had to keep after him to go to church."

"Didn't Gary have a family?"

"No, his wife had died and his son was grown and lived out of state. So I had him over for family dinners a couple of times, even Thanksgiving"

"How long did you work there?"

"Well, Doc, I was there about eight months, during my sixth month Gary was transferred again to Dallas. The new guy who replaced him was a jerk so I tried to transfer to another store, but he wouldn't let me so I quit and went to work at the AMC theatre. I have been there ever since. I have worked the

box office, concession stand and they even taught me how to run the projectors. I love it."

"Since you and Gary were pretty good friends, did you guys stay in touch?"

"Yeah. I have called a few times. Then he requested a transfer back to Houston and he got it."

"Did you tell him about yourself?"

"Yes, while he was still in Dallas."

"How did he react to the information?"

"He was surprised, but he took it very well. I had thought he was gay so I asked him but he denied it."

"Why did you think Gary was gay? Were you attracted to him?"

"I don’t know. He didn't act gay, never said anything to suggest he was. It was just a feeling I had. Yes, I was attracted to him."

"Do you see Gary now?"

"I called him a couple of times. He even asked me to come back to work for him, but I told him I liked my job at the theater. The last time I called his home phone had been disconnected, so I called the store and they said he had quit the company and moved to California. I don’t know where he is now."

"Do you miss him?"

"Yeah."

"So, is the theater job something you might continue doing for awhile after you graduate from college?"

"I don't know, I might."

"Does anyone at work know about your sexual activities?"

"No."

Again, I was writing my notes and Tyler started looking over at the book collection that I have here in the office.

"Tyler, I want to give you some homework, okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

I got up and went over to my books, pulled a paperback and handed it to Tyler.

"I want you to read this book before you come back next week. I want you to be ready to talk to me about the book."

Tyler looked at the book and opened the cover. The book was THE FRONT RUNNER.

"I really think you will like it."

Tyler flipped it over to read the back cover.

"What is this, a gay book?"

"Actually, it is a love story about two men, one younger, one older."

"Why should I read a gay book?"

"First. I think it is a great book about relationship, friendships and trust. Second, I am not giving you a choice."

"Oh brother. Are we done now?"

"When do you go back to get your test results?"

"Monday."

"You should know that Rick will counsel you about the results. Can you be civil with him?"

"I guess."

"Alright, see ya next week."

Tyler took the book and left. He was my last appointment.

When I got home that night, I was surprised to find our home was completely illuminated by candlelight. I figured Rick was feeling romantic. I chuckled as I walked through the living room to the dining room. On the table were two white candles, lit, the base surrounded by cherries were arranged in a circle around the candles. Inside the circle of cherries were grapes. I had a feeling this was going to be a very interesting evening. The table was set for two, of course.

"Rick, hon, I am home," I called out.

Rick responded from the kitchen but didn't come out to greet me, "Good. Now do me a favor and go into the bathroom and take a shower. I laid out your clothes for this evening so I would appreciate it if you would put those on. Okay?"

"Sure."

I turned and went down the hallway to our bedroom. It was also lighted with candles. I stripped and went into the bathroom for the shower. The bathroom even had candles. Oh, I have a feeling I might be in for it tonight. I took my shower and returned to the bedroom to dress. There on the bed were my dark blue suit, dark socks, a tie and a white long sleeve dress shirt. No underwear. Hmmm. I put all the clothes on and I reach for the suit jacket, in the breast pocket was my missionary name badge. It read:

Rick had never done this before. Was he looking for some kind of role-playing tonight? I wondered. I was intrigued. I walked back out to the dining room. Rick was still in the kitchen.

"I have changed, Rick."

"Okay, have a seat Elder."

Rick walked in carrying a server dish with a pot roast and potatoes, where he placed them in the center of the table. I had seated myself on one side of the table facing Rick’s. There was salad and fruit on the table. I looked up at Rick. He was so handsome in his dark blue suit. In the breast pocket of his suit coat is his name badge:

Rick had a big grin on his face, I had read his mission journals and knew he had been attracted to me, even lusted after me, but I never expected him to ever want to play it out. I was surprised, excited and definitely thankful I was not wearing any underwear. Rick sat down, and we bowed our heads for the food blessing. Rick served the dinner and we sat quietly eating our dinner. The roast was fantastic.

When dinner was over, Rick removed the dirty dishes and then returned from the kitchen. He came over to me and kneeled beside me. What is he going do or say? I didn't have to wait long.

"Elder Haines, I prepared this meal for you to show my appreciation of the love and friendship you have shown me while we are have been companions on our mission together. "

I nodded.

He picked up a cherry from the table and seductively placed it into his mouth. Chewed it and swallowed. Damn.

"I am prepared to continue to show you my appreciation, but there is some things I must tell you that are very important to me."

"Okay Elder Roberts."

Rick's eyes are practically on fire. He looks so damn attractive.

"Elder Haines, you have shown me compassion, brotherly love and the love you have for others and for the experiences you have had on your mission. Now, we both know that you are going home tomorrow and I want to make your last night on your mission a special one."

Rick is really into his fantasy. I love it. Rick placed some really slow, romantic music on.

"Will you stand and do me the honor of dancing with me, Elder?"

"I will."

Rick brought me closer as he wrapped his right arm around my waist. He took my right hand in his left and started slow dancing with me. He looked into my eyes and his eyes glowed with love. I was melted into him. He moved his head next to mine so his mouth is near my ear. When he spoke, it was soft, not quite a whisper.

"Elder Haines, I have admired you from afar, from the first time I saw you. Like a candle was suddenly illuminated inside me, I felt this glow, a strong energy of love. Yes it was love at first sight when I looked into your eyes and looked upon your face and your tall, beautiful body."

Rick was taking my breath away as his words put tears in my eyes. I started to speak but he placed his fingers on my lips and shook his head. Then he returned his hand to mine and we continued to dance, close...oh so close.

"The first time I saw you without clothes, it was enough to make my knees melt. My heart jumped and it took everything in my power not to be aroused by your beautiful, sexy human form...but I lost the battle. I wanted to touch, caress and kiss you but I knew that I couldn't do that."

"Oh my," I let slip from my lips.

"I forgot there was someone else in the room with us at that time, but all I saw was you in such a perfect bodily form. It was breath taking. I had suspected for years that I might be attracted to the male body, but after caressing your body with my eyes, I knew for sure. I knew I had to kiss you...someday."

And with that he brought his lips to mine and gently kissed my lips. It was the most gentle of touches. Rick then turned his mouth back to my ear.

"I know in my heart that there will be no one else I could find that could give me the wondrous joy of loving you. I dreamed of running my hands through your hair, of running my fingers through all that hair on your chest and tummy, of touching your thigh, or caressing those perfect, round, bottom firm cheeks of yours, or doing this as I smell your neck."

Rick then took his tongue and ran around my ear lobe and gently bit the lobe.

"Elder Haines, though I am proclaiming my love for you, a love untested, a love unsolicited, a love undeniable, I know it’s not in your nature to be able to return those feelings as you are a very proper and straight young man. But for a brief moment in our lives, I want to show you my affection. Please I ask that you, as my friend, my soul mate, my mentor that I be allowed this very last chance of being together, to share what I have for you, a promise of love that would last to the end of time. The secret only kept between us."

Wow, I was completely taken by these words. Slowly, Rick reached up and wiped a tear from my eye, then he reached behind me for a cherry and gently pushed it through my lips followed by

his lips. It was one of those long, seductive kisses that last forever. The music was still playing and I didn't have any idea how long we had been slow dancing.

Rick lifted his hands and started to loosen my tie. Slowly and deliberately pulled the tie from my neck. He kissed me again as he started to unbutton my shirt. We were both still moving to the music as he pushed my suit jacket away from my chest and down off of my shoulders. He laid the jacket across the nearby chair, then he placed his hand over my heart.

"There is nothing more physical between two people than the heart that I am holding now."

He clasped my right hand and places it over his heart.

"As we feel each other's heart beating, at this moment we know we are alive. The heart does not stop, but quickens its pace because our hearts are open to each other. You have been there in my heart for only a short time, but you have lived here forever within me. I would want someday to seal my heart to you, but I know that is not possible. As I hold your heart, it is a heart that is open to everybody you meet. Your heart cares. Your heart

loves. But your heart's desire has yet to be found. Whoever that person is that will be the object of your heart's desire, they will be the most blessed."

Rick took me in his arms and again gently kissed me. Our hands were still over our hearts. If there had been an earthquake I wouldn't have felt it. I was lost in the moment.

"Elder Haines, " Rick began as he removed my white dress shirt. Placing both his hands onto my chest he gently massaged the area. "When one worships the beauty of another’s body, he must be respectful to the creator who provided the image and the beauty. He appreciates what the eye and the hand can caress."

When Rick backed away and I felt a slight feeling of abandonment. He stood there gazing at me.

"Elder Haines, I am filled with a desire that I have never felt before in my life."

This was so wonderful.

"Elder Haines, I hold within my grasp, this body of flesh for which I have much desire. I wish to provide for you a tidal wave of pleasure that you have never experienced before. I am sure that your emotions are conflicted with excitement, bewilderment and maybe fear, but in a few moments I wish to drain your life's essence from your body."

Rick kneeled before me. He reached for my belt and released it. Unhooking the top of my trousers, they fell to my ankles. I felt his touch by his hands, lips and mouth. For whatever time it took, Rick made incredible love to me. His soft whispers totally amazed me. He did drain my body’s essence.

He grabbed both my hands into his. His face, looking up at me was aglow with love, his eyes sparkling. I realized he was still completely dressed in his suit.

"Elder Haines, I have taken the love essence of your body, I have drunk from the fountain of youth and as long as I live, these past few moments of our lives I will never forget. I have tasted your life's energy. It will strengthen me. It will wash through my body as a cleansing, a baptism of sorts. As a token of this moment, I have a gift I wish to present to you, I hope you will wear it proudly as a reminder of my love for you."

Elder Rick Roberts stood and reached his right hand into his pocket and then brought it out. Closed. He turned his hand upright and slowly opened his fingers. What I saw took my breath away; a diamond ring...the setting was fabulous. With his other hand he lifted the ring and took my left hand and slipped the ring onto the ring finger.

"With this ring, Elder Haines, my love is manifest."

Rick took my hand and kissed the ring, and than my hand.

"Elder Haines, tomorrow, you will end this successful and rewarding mission, you will return to your life to continue your human adventure. I pray you find yourself a wonderful life mate who will love you as much as I do. Than when that time comes as you pass through the veil for your spiritual adventure, and if I have passed before you, I pray that I am there to welcome you. If you have passed before me, then I pray you will be there on the other side of the veil to welcome me."

With that he opened his arms and we embraced. I was shedding tears. I knew Rick could be adventurous, playful...so the role-playing wasn't exactly a surprise, but to turn it into the most beautiful, romantic moment of our lives together I was totally lost with adoration. The words spoken tonight I believed came from his heart. I composed myself and without saying a word, I took his hand and led him into the bedroom and made love to him with all the passion of my being. When we finished, I was lost in the afterglow of our passion for each other. We then got up, hand in hand, blew out all the candles and returned to bed. We laid there quietly in each other's arms. I told him before we fell asleep that I would never take his ring off my finger as long as I lived.

I awoke in the morning as the naked Rick slipped back under the sheets with me.

"Where have you been?" I asked.

"I left the kitchen a mess last night so I just cleaned it up and came back to cuddle with you."

"Rick, last night was wonderful and I love the ring. Thank you."

"I have been thinking about that one for a long time. I just wanted to see what it felt like to seduce you like I wanted to all those years ago."

"For one thing, Rick, you didn't have those moves then that you had last night. But, if you had come on to me back then I don't know how I would have reacted. I am thankful you didn't put us into that situation. But if you had, I would like to think it would have been like last night."

Rick smiled at me and leaned and kissed me.

His lifted his lips from mine.

"Jim, what is on the agenda for today."

"Andy, the number two son, is coming to dinner. He gets the talk about us since he turned sixteen this week."

"Jim, you did that talk with Jamie two years ago when he turned sixteen, he already knew about us. You don’t think Andy doesn't know?"

"Well, it needs to be discussed."

"Well at least we will have a nice meal out of it."

Rick and I did our usual morning routine and each of us went to work.

I would be seeing Tyler and was looking forward to our discussion on the book I loaned him. Rick had told me that his test results were negative.

I saw several of my usual patients today, young teen boys trying to understand why they are attracted to other boys and not girls. One of those patients was sent to me because his father panicked when he caught his son in a masturbation session with a friend of his. He assumed his son was heading towards a "gay life" and he wanted intervention. The young man was scared and confused. He didn’t know if he was gay or not and had not really thought about boys or girls. He couldn't understand why his Dad was acting the way he was. I sat the father down and set him straight on what he had done. I actually read him the riot act for overreacting to what was probably a very innocent incident and now his son was freaking out because his Dad thinks he’s gay. The poor kid never had any thoughts like that until his Dad put them there. I told the father that if his son was gay, there was no "intervention" for it; he would have to "accept" his son as he was. There was no cure, no "brain washing" to remove the "gayness" from him. His Dad was stunned and embarrassed for reacting the way he did. Now his son and he have to "heal" their relationship.

Two other patients are parents of two young men who had come out to them as gay, this after their two older brothers announced they were gay about a year before. That meant all 4 brothers were gay. There were no other siblings and the parents were devastated and blamed themselves for "not doing" what it was to keep the sons from "turning" gay. I have to work with them to accept, learn and move on.

I had another case that seemed pretty tough. A very quiet, effeminate young man, he had been withdrawing from his parents, never had any friends and felt totally isolated from the outside world. He was fifteen, said that girls didn't interest him and preferred the company of other males, but has no sexual feelings for anyone at all.

Well Tyler’s was an interesting story all by itself, I suddenly felt confident that I could resolve it quickly.

I brought Tyler into the office. He sat where he normally did. I settled down with my notepad and began the session.

"Well, Tyler how was your week since we last met?"

"About the same, I worked and went to my classes."

"Did you go to the park?"

"Yes."

"Did you get picked up?"

"Yes. I went to the park only twice, I also met a guy I contacted in the chat room at Gay.com."

"So you scored, what three times?"

"Yeah."

All I did was shake my head at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Tyler, to be honest, I am concerned for your safety. There are a lot of nuts out there. You could get hurt. But you have heard this all before, haven’t you? Did you read the guidelines at gay.com about "meeting safely" with anyone you meet in the chat room?"

"No. I didn't," Then he looked up at me, "How do you know about Gay.com?"

"My patients have mentioned the web site to me, like you have, and so I checked it out to see how safe it was."

"Do you think it is safe, Doc.?"

"It is only as safe as the users are who use the web site."

"Tyler, you will find that all health and gay organizations will warn you about safety."

"Yeah, just last week when I went to the Teen Center to get my test results. Rick gave me heck about it too."

"How was the test?"

"Negative."

"Is that all Rick had to say to you?"

"No, he lectured me about safe sex, other STD's and gave me a bunch of condoms and pamphlets about homosexuality."

"Did you listen to anything he said?"

"No."

"Okay, let's move on. Did you read the book I gave you?"

"No, not yet."

"Did you at least start the book?"

"Yes. I read a couple of chapters."

"Okay, what else did you do this week?"

"I did some research on the computer and hit some of the church websites."

"Did you know about some of the gay related church sites like Affirmation?"

"No I didn't, but I found some interesting information from the church's records about missionaries," he said as he looked me squarely in the eye,

"Elder Haines, served a two year mission in London, England from 1982 to 1984."

I didn't see that coming. Resourceful smartass I thought.

"Okay. I plead guilty. What else?"

"Elder Richard Roberts, served a two year mission in London, England from 1983 to 1985."

Well, I saw from his research our missionary church records were not closed, but open to the public. I thought Rick and I needed to send a letter of "displeasure" to the church.

"Okay, what else have you discovered?"

"That you and Rick live together as a couple."

"How do you know that?"

"I followed you home last week, I saw Rick outside watering the flower beds. So I put one and one together. I came up with a gay psychiatrist and a gay social worker. Interesting pair. Have you discussed my problems with Rick, Doc?"

"No, I don't discuss my cases with Rick. I will tell him when I am working on a Mormon case, but that is about it."

"You and Rick were in England together, is that where you two met?"

"Yes, Rick was my junior companion for nine months."

"Did you guys start fooling around then?"

"No, we didn't. We didn't know about the other's sexual interests. I came home when my term was done, Rick was there for another year. I went to Med school, got married and had 3 kids. Rick, I found out later, did have feelings for me but he never expressed himself to me that way. He finished his mission and went back home to Ohio."

"You got married. Why if you were gay?"

"I had gay tendencies since I hit puberty, but I suppressed them for a long time, enough for me to function heterosexually when I got married. I did not come to terms with my homosexual feelings until five years into the marriage."

"What about Rick?"

"Rick knew he was gay since fourteen, even before he joined the church. He just didn't do anything about it. I never suspected Rick to be gay when we were companions. It was when he returned from his mission that he explored his sexuality. Besides, how does this information affect what you and I are doing here?"

"I guess I thought it interesting. You seemed to know too much about the church, so I got curious. But a gay psychiatrist treating gay teens, weird."

"Tyler, let me explain a few things to you. Yes I am gay. It gives me the insight in helping young gay men deal with their sexuality and religion if that enters into it. I am here to help the individual not harm them. I didn't appreciate your comment."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I really didn’t mean it that way".

"If you think the information you have on me and Rick is going to change your situation with your Bishop and your treatment here, you can forget it. "

"Why is that?"

"Because your Bishop is a friend of Rick's and mine. If you had investigated further you would have found that Bishop Green served his mission in London, England during the same time as I did. Bishop Green knows my history and he doesn't judge me. When I was in Med school, I was there for him when his brother died. It was because of him and his brother that I changed my major at Med School."

"What happened to his brother?"

"His brother was gay, Tyler. When he told his parents they disowned him and threw him out of the house. When your Bishop returned home from his mission, his parents told him what they did. Bishop Green tried his best to get the family to reconcile, but his father believed it was his duty as a member of the church to have nothing to do with the wayward son. Every effort was made to fix this. In the end, his brother committed suicide and I saw the destruction of the family. I also realized that this was not an isolated situation, especially in Mormon families. I felt helpless that I couldn't salvage the family. So, I studied because I wanted to help families modify their attitudes when one of their children is gay. Then I try to help the parents heal and accept the son or daughter."

"Have you ever failed?"

"Yes, I have failed a few times and when I do it really hurts. I recommend you look up the Affirmation web site because there is a memorial to the known Mormon young men who have committed suicide, though they only mention a few, I shudder with the realization that there are more who need to be listed in the memorial."

"Have you ever had a patient commit suicide, Doc?"

"Yes, I..."

We sat for a few moments in silence as Tyler reflected on what I had told him.

"How do you feel about everything I have just told you, Tyler?"

"Surprised. I had no idea the commitment you had. I am impressed with you Doc. Like I said earlier, you aren’t like the other doctors I have seen. I don't know what to say."

"Well, I’ll tell you what, Tyler. Why don't you come over for dinner next Monday? We will make it somewhat like a Family Home Evening. We will even do a ‘scripture chase’ and you might get to know Rick a little better. I am sure now you know where we live."

"Yes, I like that idea. I will be there."

"Good, bring your scriptures and your book...make sure you have finished it. Alright?"

"Yes I will, I promise. Are we done for today doc?"

"Yeah, see you Monday."

I knew Rick would be running late tonight so I stopped and picked up a bucket of chicken for dinner. Rick came in about hour after I did. He was glad to see me and I him. With Andy arriving shortly thereafter, we had dinner and our chat.

Rick and I sat together on one side of the table and Andy on the other. We had cleared the dishes. It was time.

"Andy, you know that Rick and I chatted with Jamie when he turned sixteen and we planned on doing this with all you guys. We feel it is an appropriate age for us to have this conversation. You know I left your brothers and your mother thirteen years ago. You were too young to know what was going on. I loved and still love your mother, but I couldn't be the "husband" she deserved."

"Because you were gay, right Dad?"

"Yes. When did you figure that out, son?"

"The three of us started talking about it a couple of years ago. Rick was always around. We all noticed the ‘looks’ you would give each other. We went to Mom and asked her? She told us we had to talk to you about something like that. That is when she mentioned to Jamie that he was coming over for dinner for ‘the’ chat. Jamie said he would ask but when he got back he didn't want to talk about it."

I glanced at Rick; he had that "I told you so" look on his face.

"Ah, well, that was because we asked him not to tell you boys. I see he respected my request."

"Dad, I don't think you should wait for Randy, I think you should talk to him now."

"Okay. I will talk to your mother about it."

"Cool." he said

"Andy, I want you to be comfortable with the fact that I am gay. It would be in your best interest not to mention this at church because some church members have some pretty strong ideas about homosexuality. They might say something that might hurt and I don't want that."

"Dad, Jamie and Randy and I have only spoken to each other about it as far as I know. I know there are scriptures that condemn what you and Rick are doing, and I know that is something you two must deal with. But, you are my Dad. I didn't grow up with you, I grew up with Dan and Mom, and they have never said anything against you. I know you love us, and Mom has always said that you have met and gone beyond your responsibilities for us. Mom and Dan have always talked about not judging people for any reason. So, Dad, I am not going to judge you and Rick. I accept what you to have with each other. My brothers and I have always noticed the love felt in this house, so we always believed that you two were meant for each other," he said with a huge grin on his face, "So, have I handled the chat pretty well?"

Rick broke out laughing. When he was done he said, "Andy, you are one sharp guy. I told your father for years that he should have sat you guys down and explained us sooner, but no, he thought he was protecting you guys. But the truth is something that can't be protected. You see, Andy, your Dad is a very smart man, too smart sometimes for his own good, but actually a very brilliant man and I can see that intelligence in all three of you boys. If you guys have half of the good qualities of your father, then he and I shouldn't have to worry about you guys at all. We are both excited about your upcoming missions, and will we pay half of your mission expenses just like we will your brothers. Like we told Jamie, you will have to get a job and put savings away for your mission. We don't know how much help you will receive from you Mom or Dan, but you need not worry about it."

"Thanks, Rick. I have always thought of you as a ‘Dad’. Dad, Rick, I love you guys."

"Andy, you are planning on going on a mission aren’t you?"

"Yes, Dad, we all are."

"Cool", I said.

Then with a devilish grin he turned to Rick and asked, "Rick, do you and my Dad kiss and do all that yucky stuff that couples do?"

Rick and I both cracked up on that one.

"Yes we do."

"Rick, I know you make my Dad happy and I am grateful about that. I would have hated it if he had been alone all these years."

"Thanks Andy, that was nice," Rick said.

"Dad, there is something I have always wanted to ask you?"

"What's that Andy?"

"I know Jamie’s names are for both of you...James and Richard. Where did my name come from?"

"Well, Andy, Andrew is from my middle name. William is from Rick's middle name."

"Huh," Rick said, "I never knew that."

"You never asked," I told him.

"Dad, what about Randy's name."

"Well, your little brother was named for my father Randall, his middle name," I looked at Rick when I said, "is from Rick's father's name Evan."

"I didn't know that one either. Amazing what these little chats of yours reveal," Rick said.

"Dad, can I ask why you used Rick's names for us guys? You two weren't together then."

"Well, when I was on my mission, I knew I felt really close to Rick. We really bonded and I had never had a 'best friend' before like Rick. When your brother was born, your mother insisted that we name him after me, I resisted because I didn't want to subject him to being a 'junior', so I asked your mother if it was okay if I gave Jamie Rick's name as well. She knew how much I cared for Rick and she agreed. So it was 'James Richard Haines'. Rick had been my best man at the wedding and I always wanted Rick to stay in my life."

"Did Mom know where the other names from?"

"Yes, she did."

Our conversation concluded, we sent Andy into the spare bedroom and he went to sleep. Then Rick and I were alone in the living room.

"Rick, I have something I have to tell. You may not like it, but I have to tell you."

Rick looked a little perplexed, but decided to play along.

"I am pregnant and our son will be here Monday night."

Rick just looked at me with a smirk.

"Okay, you remember Tyler?"

"Yeah, that cocky little shit."

"Well, I invited him to dinner Monday night for Family Home Evening."

"Why are you bringing him here?"

"So you two get to know each better. It isn't pretty hearing you talk like that. He found out about us."

"What do you mean he found out about us?"

"That we are Returned Missionaries."

"How?"

"Church website."

"Damn. Oh well."

We discussed what we were going to have for dinner the night with Tyler. I had an idea how to deal with Mr. Tyler. If my hunch pays off it will be a night he won't forget.

It had been a couple of weeks since Tyler came out. Rick said he was doing well at the Gay Teen Center in Montrose, and he also seemed to enjoy church on Sunday at the MCC. He was scheduled as my next patient and I was really happy with his progress. I went out to the waiting room and brought him into my office. This time he sat on the couch at my end.

"How have things been going, Tyler?"

"Well, things seem to be pretty good. I started at the Gay Teen Center and Rick really is a nice guy. He showed me around and then spent several days teaching me how to work with kids. I sat in on a group discussion with about ten teen boys and that was interesting. Rick thinks that, after a couple of weeks, I might be able to chair the discussion. We will see."

"How about work?"

"Things are fine there."

"Are you out at work?"

"No, only to Kenny, my roommate, and he promised not to say anything. He has been really nice about it. Do you think I need to come out at work?"

"That is strictly up to you. Only if you feel safe, and only if that is what you really want to do. You don't have to. Sometimes it’s better not to burden your co-workers with too much information that they might not want to hear. Do you really want to know about their sexuality and conquests?"

"No, not really."

"I know you talked to your dad. Have you heard from him since?"

"Yeah, he called me and asked how I was doing. He told me the home front was still struggling. He continued to ask me to be patient."

"You have to be. Your family will probably not accept you for quite a while. I have a feeling that there are a few of them that have some anger issues with you for the way you handled everything."

"I know."

"Your parents are coming in this afternoon. Bishop Green encouraged them to come see me. I will do what I can to help, Tyler."

"I know you will."

"Did you finish HARLAN'S RACE yet?"

"Yeah I did, I liked it better than THE FRONT RUNNER."

"You won’t believe this, but there is third book."

"Really? Cool. I want to read it."

I got up and went over to my bookshelf and pulled out BILLY'S BOY.

"Here it is. Take your time reading it."

"Okay."

"Any word on Gary?"

"Yeah, I asked my dad for help when he called. He hired a P.I. to find him. We got the report back last night. I know where he is."

"That's good news. What are you going to do now?"

"Like you said; I have to go see him. The report was sort of sad, because he’s had a lot of bad luck the last couple of years. He’s been sick, Doc; he almost died. He’s living with his mother in Illinois. He is out of work and isn’t seeing anyone. I have arranged for some time off, so I’m leaving tomorrow for Illinois."

"Are you driving, Tyler?"

"Yeah. Doc, I don't think I know what to say to him."

"I know the feeling. When Rick drove down from Ohio, I had a couple of days to consider what I wanted to say to him. I knew when he arrived it would be the first time we came out to each other. When he got here, we just looked at each other. Rick had the same problem. He didn't seem to know what to say. We stood there looking at each for a few minutes, Then Rick put his bags down, put his arms around me and kissed my cheek and told me he loved me. It was exactly the same thing I did to him when I left him to return home from my mission. So, it will be the moment that speaks."

"I hope so".

"Don't rush him. He needs time to think. If he lets you talk to him, tread lightly to start with. Then go with your feelings, okay?"

"Okay."

"Have you stayed away from the park, Tyler?"

"Yes. I am not going back. I am hoping Gary will let me back into his life and I want to be able to tell him that I have been tested. I’m negative. But I still need to be tested for a while to make sure. I have seen how you and Rick are, and I want that with Gary."

"Even with the age difference?"

"I can't help it, Doc; I am attracted to middle aged guys. I don't' know why. It’s kind of weird isn't it?"

"No, a lot of young guys are attracted to older guys. Besides, didn't you tell me your older brothers and sisters married older spouses?"

"Yeah, they did."

"There you go. It runs in the family, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Our hour is up, any questions?"

"No."

"I am going to give you my cell phone number just in case you need to ask me anything when you are on your trip, okay?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Tyler got up, took the card, and we hugged each other. Then he turned to me.

"Doc, I have wanted to ask, but I wasn't sure...well anyway...how did you know about Gary and me?"

"I didn't know for sure. It seemed like you were leaving something out when you talked about Gary. I re-read my notes and remembered what you had said; that you had had all of your sexual encounters at the park except one, so I guessed that might have been Gary. I’m glad I figured it out, because you seem so much happier since you came out."

"I am. I was tired of trying to keep it together. When I started seeing you, I figured it would probably turn out like all the others. But, it didn’t. You wouldn't let me off the hook and you kept after me. I think you used the book to get me to realize some things and it worked. I am glad it did."

"Well, that's good, Tyler. I did use the book to give you an idea about how a gay relationship develops between an older man and younger man. I wanted you to read about how sex could mean more than a quick trick with no emotion involved. With Rick and me, we already loved each other as friends. We took our time for our love to grow romantically. After thirteen years the romance is still there. One of us is always coming up with something that surprises the other. What Rick and I have continues to grow. You might have a chance with Gary, but it's up to you two to figure that out. You have to consider the fact that he might have been hurt by your rejection of him and may not be over it. It is just a possibility."

"Okay, doc, I will keep that in mind. See ya next week." With that he was out the door.

Two hours later, I went out to the waiting room for his parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Miller, come in."

Tyler's mother and father were already older than fifty. His mother was an attractive woman. Her hair had gone gray; her eyes were brown like Tyler's. She was very slim and held herself well. Tyler's father was still handsome, graying at the temples, blue eyed, and probably not as slender as he would like. He seemed like a strong, determined man.

Tyler's parents sat on my end of the couch, next to each other.

"Mr. and Mrs. Miller, I will probably do most of the talking. I have Tyler's permission to discuss his situation with you. Hopefully, you will feel comfortable enough to return so we can work towards bringing the family back together again. I know you have had a rough three years. You are not alone. You are not the first Mormon parents to have a homosexual child. I know, Mrs. Miller, you have been angry towards Tyler. Understandably. Your anger is justified by the way he manipulated the events of the last three years. Mrs. Miller, are you angry with Tyler for being homosexual?"

"I really hate that word...homosexual," she said.

"Why?"

"It’s a perversion. It’s wrong according to the scriptures and the church."

"You know I am Mormon as well. I understand the position the church has on homosexuality. It’s clear. But the position is with the individual, not the whole family. Nowhere does the church state that you’re to cast out your son from the family. Remember the church saying, love the sinner, and hate the sin? Well, that applies to Tyler. You don't stop loving Tyler just because he is homosexual. Tyler did not choose to be gay."

"From all of the church information I have, I believe it’s a choice in behavior, not something you are born with."

"So, all the information you have on homosexuality is from the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, in my opinion, the church is too biased. If the church took the stance that an individual is born with it, then they would have to accept homosexuals into the congregation. Then, you would have gay wards, besides singles wards. That just isn't what they want. The Church is firm in its resolve. I am sure you know that other churches are dealing with this issue."

"Yes, it’s just wrong, and I look at Tyler as a sinner against God. It goes against everything I have ever believed in. My faith is absolute."

"I understand. Do you love Tyler?"

"I don't know, anymore."

"Why are you here?"

"Because my husband told me we had to do this."

"Why do you think he feels that way?"

"He wants the family back together the way it used to be."

"Is that what you want as well and, if you do, does that include Tyler?"

"I don't' know."

"Did you know Tyler attempted suicide?"

The look on her face told me she didn't know. Her husband took her hand in his.

"No, I didn't know," she said, and then turned to her husband, "Did you know?"

"Yes. I stopped him once. He had my shotgun."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You had enough to deal with."

"Did he try other times?" she asked me.

"Yes."

Mrs. Miller brought her hands to her face, and quietly cried as her husband put his arm around her.

"Did you know Bishop Green's brother was gay?"

She looked up at me. "No, I didn't' know."

"He was. His parents rejected him, threw him out. After Kent came home from his mission, his brother committed suicide."

"Oh, my, that's terrible."

"It tore the family apart. Kent's mother blamed his father. His father was so guilt ridden he turned to drinking. Kent's other brothers went to live with their grandparents. Kent spent much of his college years trying to help his family. Kent finally got his father help with the drinking. He tried to get his mother into counseling, but she refused. She was bitter the rest of her life. It pretty much consumed her. Kent's mother never did forgive her husband, not even before she died. The point to this is that the church was of little help."

"What do you mean?"

"The church has issued its position on homosexuality. Even in the church video on the subject, it points to the individual. Bishops are left to deal with the consequences of families in turmoil. Some fathers, as priesthood holders, believe they should rid the family of the individual in the name of the scriptures and the church. The gay individual is suspended from church, eventually excommunicated. The family never heals and neither does the individual. Every one suffers."

Mrs. Miller nodded her head as though she accepted what I was saying.

"I think the most important thing you have to understand is this: loving your son is not against Heavenly Father or the church. Turning your back on him is. The church preaches so much about ‘family’ and ‘faith’ that sometimes the messages are too conflicting. Your faith has been tested here. Your love for Tyler has been tested. Your faith in your husband has been tested. Your faith in Heavenly Father has been tested. Loving your son does not mean you approve of what he does. Tyler is not asking for that. He is asking you to still love him for who he is: your son. Tyler never had the choice to be gay or straight; that was determined for him, in the same way that Tyler is right handed. His only choice for his life is to live with it or not. If you had to make that choice for him, what would you decide?"

"I...ah...I couldn't...I...I...."

"Tyler's alive. He has chosen to live his life as his nature has determined. I’m going to give you some reading material, not published by the church, that might help you. I have given you a lot to think about. I know that you will be praying a good deal, hoping for answers. When you are ready to come back and talk to me, call. I’m not going to pressure you. My job is to help families and time is something we have a lot of in this case."

"Okay." she said.

"Mr. Miller, I would like an opportunity to meet with Travis. Will you have him give me a call to set up an appointment?"

"Sure. Why Travis?"

"It’s part of working with the family. Travis and Tyler have some unresolved issues. I think you know that, before Travis left for his mission, it was Travis that Tyler was the closest to in the family. Tyler would like to have that relationship back. I hope that I can help in that regard."

"Okay. I will. And thank you doctor. My wife and I have a lot to talk about."

Finally, when the Millers left and my afternoon was completed, I thought back to when I told my parents I was leaving Sara and why. My father asked, "Why now?" I told him I didn't' know. It’s just the way it turned out. Though my practice included parents dealing with such information, it was so weird actually doing this with my own. My parents accepted me and went on with their lives. I understood that they didn’t approve of my being gay, but they accepted me for me. They tolerated Rick when we went to see them.

Rick, huh, I loved thinking about Rick.

The next day I was thrilled when I got the message that Tyler's brother would be seeing me today. I had a cancellation and he accepted the appointment. My thoughts were with Tyler, he was in Illinois seeing Gary.

I walked out to the waiting room and introduced myself to Travis. He was a sharp looking young man, not as blond as Tyler, slimmer, with blue eyes. He appeared to be about 6 feet tall. I led him to my office. He took the same rocker that Tyler took.

"I’m glad you came in, Travis."

"I didn't want to come here at first, but my dad pretty much talked me into it."

"Okay, do you know why you are here?"

"Dad said you were Tyler's doctor, and I figured you wanted to talk about Tyler."

"Yes, I do. I know you and Tyler are pretty much estranged from each other at this time. Do you see that changing anytime soon, Travis?"

"No, I don't like what Tyler is doing. He isn't the brother I remember. I miss the brother I had before I went on my mission."

"Are you angry with Tyler?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"For a lot of things. Like lying to me, not trusting me, being a pervert with other men, disrupting the family, and hurting my parents. Yeah, I think that pretty well covers it."

"Hmmm. Travis, what do think about homosexuality?"

Travis seemed to hesitate before answering.

"I’m confused. I have searched the Internet trying to understand what it is and why it happens. I want to believe that Tyler was born with it, but I keep thinking that isn't accurate."

"If Tyler wasn't born with homosexual tendencies, do you think it’s primarily a behavior problem?"

"It’s sick. I would say it’s a mental illness, but the experts say it isn't. I don't know," Travis said, shaking his head.

"That night in the motel room when he told you, how did you feel?"

"Sick. Just plain sick."

"The next night you told him off. If Tyler was accurate about what you said, I can't find fault with most of what you said at all."

"Really?"

"Yes, he betrayed your trust. No relationship works without trust. But, think about it, what if he had come to you when he was fourteen or fifteen and told you he had sexual thoughts involving men? You being sixteen or seventeen, how would you have reacted?"

"Probably told him he was sick and disgusting. I would've brought out my scriptures and started quoting. I would have…"

He thought for a minute and said, "He couldn't tell me, could he? He knew me too well. Instead of helping, I would have been critical of him. Doctor, I wouldn’t have known what to do then, and I don't know what to do now."

"I know."

There is his house. I pulled the car up to the curb and parked it. I hoped he was home. I thought all the way up here how I was going to do this. But, after all this time, I still didn’t think I was ready. I reached for the door handle and let myself out of the car. I found myself at the front door, unaware of how I got there. I reached up and knocked on the door. I couldn’t believe I was holding my breath. The door opened and Gary looked at me with disbelief. I could see the pain as it entered his eyes; pain I knew I caused.

We just stood there looking at each other.

"Tyler?" he said.

"Gary" I said, "May I come in. I need to talk to you."

"My mother’s here," he said motioning inside. "Let me get my jacket and we can go somewhere private."

We got in my car. Nothing was said in the car. I took Gary to my motel room. It had a table and chairs. Gary and I went in and sat down.

"I suppose I need to start," I said trying to fight off the tears in my eyes. Damn it. I didn’t want to get emotional but I couldn't help it.

"I’m glad you are alive, I worried about you," Gary said.

I swallowed hard, still trying to control myself as he continued.

"I was so afraid that you might do something to yourself, and I couldn't bear that if it had happened."

"Gary, I’m so sorry. I guess I kind of left you up in the air. I wasn't thinking right then. I haven't thought right for three years, actually."

Gary just nodded his head. I could tell I had hurt him really badly.

"Gary, I have admitted to my doctor, family and bishop that I’m gay. You knew what I was doing, manipulating everything, playing everyone. Until last month, you were the only one who ever challenged me. Dad and our Bishop had me go to this specialist who works with teens dealing with sexual orientation and religion. With his help I finally realized and accepted that what I was doing was destroying me. I had to stop. I hurt a lot of people doing what I was doing. I hurt you. I know that now. You offered me your love, your companionship, a safe place to live, and a relationship I wanted but couldn't bring myself to accept. I always loved you as a friend. Then you came out to me and I was afraid of where it would go. After our day together, I knew I wanted you, but I still wanted my mission. I thought letting you go was what I had to do, to protect myself from acknowledging the truth. Now, I’ll never go in my mission and I’m afraid that I’ve lost you. I’ve lost all around."

"You really loved me, Tyler?"

"Yes, I know it has been two years, but I still love you. I have missed having you in my life."

"Tyler...I never stopped loving you. I searched the Internet trying to find anything on you, an email address, church records for missionaries, anything, but it was like you disappeared. I even went to the Social Security Death Index website just to make sure you weren’t there. I have checked the Affirmation website weekly hoping I wouldn’t find you in the memorial section. I have missed you so much, Tyler."

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to feel him in my arms. I got up and went to him, knelt down, took him into my arms. We both cried our eyes out. He felt good in my arms. I brought my lips to his cheek and kissed him and whispered that I loved him.

"Do you miss Tyler?"

"Yes, I do. But it’s not the same. It's different; he changed it."

"Yes, he has changed from your perspective. He now has accepted the fact that he is gay. He has withdrawn his membership from the Church; there will be no mission. As we speak, he is supposed to be making amends with someone who cared about him."

"My dad knows all this doesn't he?"

"Yes, he does."

"Dad was the only one to hang in there with Tyler."

"Yes, he was. He knew the consequences if he didn't. Did you know Tyler was suicidal?"

"No." Travis' eyes got real big. "Did he try?"

"Yes, he did."

Travis had a pained look on his face.

"Your dad caught Tyler with his shotgun pointed at his head. Your dad talked him out of it. Your dad didn't tell your mother; only Bishop Green."

Travis appeared to be letting it all sink in.

"Travis, he knows that he hurt you, and it has torn him up. He knew everything you said to him about being brothers and about trust was true. He felt he had be the one to tell you."

"Ah."

"I know you have a lot to think about. Tyler misses you, and I suspect you miss him as well. If you would like to come back and talk this through with Tyler so that, maybe someday, the two of you might reconcile, I am available. There is no rush; we have all the time in the world to work on this. Whatever we talk about will stay with us. I won't discuss our conversations with Tyler. Are you okay with all this, Travis?"

"I have some thinking to do, some praying to do. I do miss my brother. I don't know if I can accept the whole gay thing and all."

"You don’t have to. But he’s still your brother and I can tell you still love him. That’s what we have to focus on."

"Okay."

"That's our hour. Here's my card if you want to call with a question or want to make another appointment."

"Thank you, Dr. Haines. Dad says you really helped Tyler. Thank you for that."

"Your welcome, Travis."

With that Travis was on his way.

I held Gary in my arms. I finally got up, went to the bed and sat down and I asked Gary to come over and join me. I sat Indian style. Gary came over and sat down. I took his hand in mine.

"Gary, I want you back in my life, I haven't been the same since I left you. I was so tired of living the way I was, and you offered to share your life with me. I was so very wrong for not accepting your offer. I know it has been two years, but I would like to reconsider my answer, if the offer is still on the table."

Gary sat there; it was hard to read him. He looked away from me and my heart sank.

"Tyler, I have made a lot of bad decisions in the last couple of years and I don't know if I’m any good at the relationship thing. After you told me that you wanted your mission, and you never called me back, I went on. Since then I have lost three jobs, got sick, and couldn't work. I only found one young man I wanted to be with, just before I got sick, and he was twenty-eight. We got along fine for a while. It crashed about three weeks later when I found out he had a boyfriend."

Gary was quiet for a little while. I didn't say anything; I couldn't. "I am 48 years old, Tyler. I am lonely and hurt."

"I'm sorry, Gary."

"I guess you want to know if there is a chance for us?"

I nodded my head. "Gary, I blew the first chance I had with you, I don't know how a relationship works; I don't know how to love and care for someone. Don't think it was easy for me to say goodbye to you; it wasn't. I have always known I gave you up for the wrong reasons. It was all me. You offered me so much, and it was right. No one had ever done that for me and no one has, since. I was a fool. I had a lot of growing up to do. If I had accepted your offer, I would have had to deal with all the truths I had been hiding. Since I have accepted those truths, Gary, I want another chance with you."

Tears were running down my face. I never thought about how I would deal with it if he rejected me. I felt my heart beating. I felt the tears on my hands as I wiped my face off.

"Tyler," he said then turned to me, "I want the chance too."

We both had big smiles on our faces. I leaned in and gently kissed Gary on the lips.

"I thought you didn't like kissing," Gary said.

"I didn't, till I met you," I said, and kissed him again.

I laid my head on his shoulder as his arm went around me.

"I missed you, Tyler."

"I missed you too, Gary."

"Tyler, this had better work out."

"It will. I promise, Gary, I won't leave you."

I looked up at Gary, my lover. A tear slipped from his eye. It tugged at my heart. I had a lot of making up to do. We lay there with each other, intimately, for about an hour. Then I think we both realized we were hungry.

Gary and I spent the night in the motel room. The next morning we went back to the house and loaded the car with his belongings and headed back to Texas.

I got a call from Tyler telling me that he and Gary were on the road back to Houston. Tyler told me they were together. I was gratified that it worked out. I told Tyler that we still had some work to do if he was going to reconcile with his family. I didn't know how Gary was going to fit in that mix.

I received a call about a week ago from a father who wanted me to see his son. The son's name was Terry Alberts. He said his son was nothing but trouble and wanted me to fix him. I asked if he was into drugs or alcohol and he said no. He said the boy needed his personality adjusted. I asked him if he did well in school and he said yes. The father said that Terry didn't get along with anyone, that he was shy and withdrawn. I asked if his son was homosexual, and the father said no, at least he didn't think so, since there had never been one in his family.

My first session with Terry took place just a few days after his father called.

"Have a seat where ever you like, Terry"

As usual, this first appointment is the extended evaluation. Terry took the rocker recliner. I took the other.

"Terry, tell me why you think you are here?"

"Well, my parents wanted me to get some help with a problem I may have."

"What is that problem, Terry?"

Terry closed his eyes, his eyes then bunched up and he began to cry.

"I don't know what’s wrong with me; I don't belong anywhere. I have no friends. I don't even feel comfortable in my own home. I feel so different from everyone else. I cry all the time. School is torture for me. No one hardly speaks to me, and that includes the teachers," he said, wiping his face with his shirtsleeve.

"Terry, do you know what kind of doctor I am?"

"I know you are a psychiatrist. That’s all I know."

"Who sent you to me?"

"My father decided he’d had enough of me. He found you in the phone book."

"Yes, I am a psychiatrist. My specialty is working with young men who are having trouble with their sexual orientation. Do you know what your sexuality is Terry?"

Terry started to cry again and said, "I’m not sure."

"We will come to back to that in a minute. But first tell me how old you are?"

"I just turned eighteen."

"You said your father had had enough of you. What is that all about?"

"I haven't been the son he wanted. I don't like the things he does. Sports, cars, hunting, I have always been a major disappointment to him. I believed he wanted an exact duplicate of him. I'm not."

"How do you know you are a disappointment to him?"

"He says so, in so many words, or by his silences. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough for him. I have tried and tried. I would've been on the Honor roll at school, but I always have trouble passing physical education. I tried playing baseball. He managed my team. I was terrible at it. He always got mad because I didn't want to work on cars. I tried the Cub Scouts. I hated it. I joined DeMolay. I didn't fit in. I could just not please him. I gave up talking to him because he wouldn't listen to me."

Terry just shook his head. The poor guy looked so lost. Terry wasn't a bad looking young man. About 5'10, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes. His fingernails looked like he chewed them regularly. His right foot was shaking a mile a minute.

"How do you get along with your mother?"

"Okay. At least we can talk. But when I try and talk to her about my father, she is indifferent."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes. Two brothers."

"How do you get along with them?"

"I don't."

"Why?"

"They’re dad's best buddies. They see how he is with me and they are the same."

"So, you feel alone. At home, at school."

"Yes."

"Have you thought of about ending it, Terry?"

Terry stiffened up. He wouldn't look at me. His foot stopped shaking. His hands were on the armrest of the chair. He was holding on so tightly his knuckles looked white.

"Terry, you think about it a lot, don't you?"

Terry started crying again. I moved to the end of the couch near him.

"You’ve never told anyone before, have you?"

Terry just shook his head.

"Have you tried?"

Terry shook his head no.

"Does the pain feel that bad, Terry?"

"Yes."

"Terry, do you feel different because you believe you’re gay and you don't want to be?"

Again, he started crying, nodding his head yes.

"Are you on any medication at all, Terry?"

"Medication?"

"Medication for depression."

"Oh, no, that wouldn't be acceptable to my father."

"Being gay wouldn't be acceptable to your father either, would it?"

"Oh, no. He doesn't like gays, especially the gay politics. You should see how he reacts when he sees the gay weddings going on in San Francisco."

I wondered how dear old dad would feel if he knew his son's new psychiatrist was gay.

"When did you realize you might be gay?"

"I’m really not sure. I always liked watching SAVED BY THE BELL and I couldn't take my eyes off the guy who played Zach. I have always looked at boys. Never girls."

"Have you done anything with another guy? It’s okay. What you say to me stays with me. Your father will not know."

Terry looked up at me. His eyes searching mine, looking like he was trying to find trust there. When I thought he did, he finally spoke.

"Yes. A few times."

"How old were you the first time?"

"I was 16. I was working at the Loew's Cineplex. I was an usher there. There was a dressing room since we had to wear uniforms. There was another guy who worked there. I lusted after him. He looked so perfect, tall and handsome, with a sweet smile. We had finished a shift, and he and I were the only ones changing. He was in his underwear. He caught me staring at him. He asked me if I was interested it what he had there. I stammered saying I didn't know what he was talking about. But I was in my underwear too. I guess my excitement gave me away. He came over to me and touched me. I was scared. He took my hand and placed it on him. I had never felt another guy before." Terry looked at me, "Do you want to hear this?"

"You can tell me whatever you want to. I am here to help you understand and to accept whatever you have to."

"Okay," he said. " Well, Ted, that was his name, asked me if I had ever masturbated with another guy. I told him no. He slipped his hand inside my underwear. He took my hand and pushed it inside his underwear. So we did each other. After that, every time we worked together, we would play around like that."

"How did you feel about what you were doing with Ted?"

"Like I said, I was scared at first. I wanted to do more with him, but I wasn't sure he would go for it."

"Did it go further, Terry?"

"We discussed oral sex. He said I could do him, but he wouldn't do me. I said I would. So I did. I liked doing it. After that he wouldn't touch me anymore, he just wanted me to take care of him orally. Then he told some of the other guys and I did them as well. Someone told the manager and I was fired."

"Why did you have oral sex with the other guys?"

"Because they were paying attention to me. In my mind I felt I belonged, even though I knew I didn't. I was willing to do anything, just for the attention that I never got anywhere else."

"You felt desperate enough to give guys oral sex just for attention?"

Terry eyes got big. The anger was evident as he went off.

"Yes," he said, and then began to cry again.

I waited for him to cry it out. I had tissues on the table next to him, but he still used his shirtsleeve to wipe his face and nose.

"Does anyone in your family know that you’re gay?"

"My brothers have asked me over and over again, but I just deny it. At school, I am usually called all the usual names; that is if anyone actually speaks to me."

"You have a lot of anger towards your father. You want him to find out, don't you?"

"I think that there will probably be a time, when he and I are arguing, that I will let it slip. It's his face I want to see when it sinks in."

"Do you feel like hurting your father, physically?"

"I want him to feel the emotional pain I have."

"How far would you go to make him feel that?"

Terry closed his eyes, wondering, I suspected, about how far he could go. I decided to let him dwell on that.

"How many guys have you had oral sex with?"

"I have had about seven guys."

"Terry, you need to be tested for STD's."

"I know, the Internet has all kinds of helpful information for guys like me."

"You can go down to the Gay Teen Center in Montrose and be tested. If you are going to be sexually active, like you have been, you need to make sure you are healthy. The HIV tests are confidential. For the other popular STD's, the results are reported to the Health Department only if positive."

"Doctor, what's really wrong with me?"

"I think you are clinically depressed and I would like to see you on medication. You apparently have anger issues with your family, especially your father. I think you have some self-loathing problems. You have social anxiety. Coming here is a start in helping you. You said you’re 18. Is this your senior year?"

"No, I’m a junior. I have another year of hell in that house before I go to college. I was held back in kindergarten."

"I am going to call your family physician and get a prescription for your depression. I want you to come see me at least twice a week. We have a lot to work through. Are you willing to come back?"

"Yes, I can do that, I’m tired of feeling this way."

"You know, you don't have to have sex with guys to get the attention or affection you are craving. Finding someone to be close to is easier than you think. At the Gay Teen Center, you will find information about being safe and it is also a place where other gay teens go to socialize. You need to be around people that you may feel more comfortable with."

"Okay."

"See you on Wednesday, okay?"

"Yes, I’ll be here."

"Terry, are you okay? Really okay?"

"Yeah, I’m okay."

I knocked on Steve’s bedroom door. His mother told me to go on up since Steve was in his room. Steve and I had been best friends now since early grade school. I come here often it’s never a surprise when I show up.

"Come in."

I walked in and closed the door. Steve came over and we got into a hot kiss. His lips were on fire; his passion for me was always constant. My hand found his zipper; I pulled it down and moved my hand inside his jeans. Steve found my zipper and reached inside. We stood there kissing. I loved having him touch me. Steve was about 5'10", with blond hair, green eyes and a solid muscled body. He had a lot of hair on his chest that I loved. His blond hair ran from his chest down his legs. I had brown hair, brown eyes and I was pretty smooth. We were both eighteen, Mormon, and were planning on going on our missions next year. Both our dads went on missions. My dad’s gay and a psychologist; his dad’s straight. Steve and I discovered masturbation together at thirteen and oral sex at fourteen. I told him I loved him at fifteen; he told me when he was sixteen. We have been very discrete about our sex life.

We heard footsteps coming up the stairs and we separated. The footsteps went down the hall.

"You know we only have a year left before we go on our mission, I want us to go together to the temple to get our endowments."

"I know, Steve, we will."

"You know, the family is going to my grandparents’ this weekend; will you spend the weekend with me?"

"I will have to ask, but it probably won't be a problem."

"Good, we can run around naked for two days."

"That sounds great, Steve."

We’ve been able to keep our sexual activity private for five years. We agreed that no one needed to know. We agreed to go ahead and take our mission callings and hoped that we would get sent to the same place. Even though we have prayed about it, we both realize that might be asking too much. Steve and I are going to complete our freshman year in college before our mission calling. Yes, we have lied to our bishop about being chaste, but it was the only way to keep what we have between us a secret while still keeping our faith and each other.

We were still lying on Steve's bed. My head was on his shoulder.

"Jamie," Steve said, "I know you love me, and I love you, and we’ve made plans for college and our missions. Are you going to want to be with me after we graduate from college?"

"Steve, I want what my dad has with Rick, only I want it with you. When I am at dad's, you can feel the love they have for each other. I see the looks they give each other. I see the same look in your eyes. Rick has made my dad happy. I worried about him when he left my mom. I didn't understand what had happened, but I know now that he left her because he loved her and didn't want to hurt her by staying with her like he was. I know she was hurt, but it gave her a chance to be with someone else. My step dad has been good to us, and hasn't said anything bad about my dad, or Rick."

"I just hope that our love will survive being separated for two years."

"Jamie," he said bringing my face up to his. "There is no one I would rather spend my time with than you. I love you, Jamie. I think we’ll survive the two years."

"You know I have to get going, buddy."

Steve walked me to his bedroom door and took me into his arms.

"I can hardly wait for this weekend, Jamie."

I just spoke with Sara, Jim's ex-wife. She told me that Jamie had forgotten his dinner date with his dad and me, so she sent him off our way. I had a roast beef in the oven with potatoes and salad. Also, we were celebrating Jamie's 18^th birthday so I had cake and ice cream. I had just hung up when I heard Jamie's car pull into the drive.

"I can't believe you forgot, Jamie," I said as I let him in the front door and we hugged. "Your dad called and said he would be running a little late, and not to plan for dinner until about seven."

"That's okay, Rick. This way I get to have some time with you." Jamie said.

"Well, you might as well come out to the kitchen and keep me company," I said. I did notice that Jamie's face was somewhat flushed and wondered what was up with him.

"Jamie, either you have been running around the block or you have just come from one hot make out session."

I had my back to Jamie, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. As I suspected, when I turned around he was blushing. I sat down at the table.

"What's the name of the lucky guy?"

Jamie looked up at me. He had a frown on his face, but didn't say anything.

"I know you are planning on going on your mission next year, but you look like a man in love, and if I don't miss my guess, you have been sexually active as well."

"Rick, I am kind of at a loss for words. I could never get anything over on you, could I, but how did you know?"

"Well, I have worked for years with gay teens. Have you heard of the term `gaydar'?"

"Yeah, but I never realized how effective it could be. How long have you known, Rick?"

"You were about fifteen when my gaydar went `ding ding' on you."

"Does dad know?"

"About you, I don't know. I doubt it. The only thing he ever mentioned to me was that he figured with his genes, one of you boys might be. You see, compared to me, your dad was a complete innocent. I don't think your dad's gaydar ever developed. Since I lived the lifestyle when I was in Ohio, I figured I honed it in pretty good. The other thing that tipped me off was your eyes; you have the same eyes as your dad; you have the same look as he does when he looks at me..."

"I know the look, Rick, I have seen it for years with you two."

"Well, anyway, I noticed about four years ago you had the same look of love in your eyes as your dad. Only I would have noticed that, since he has the same look in his eyes. So, how long have you been together with...?"

"Steve...he’s LDS, and I have been with him since we were thirteen. We were just bragging today how well we were hiding our relationship."

"Well, I don't know your guy, but I definitely want to meet him. If he gets that ‘look’, he has to be something."

"I do love him and he loves me."

"If you don't reevaluate what you are doing, you might just screw up your missions, since I assume you both are planning to go anyway."

"Yeah, we are. We are both praying we go to the same area, but we figure that may be too much to ask for. But it doesn't hurt to try."

"Are you happy, Jamie?"

"Oh yes, I’m very happy. It’s more than the sex, we are really close."

"Are you planning on telling your dad?"

"No, I wasn't planning on it, but since you know...what do you think I should do?"

"Jamie, personally, I think you should tell him. If you know your dad like I do, you know he’s going to feel very disappointed that you didn't tell him. I think he would want to be a part of what you are enjoying in your life. Your dad’s world is all about us four guys. If you’re happy, then he's happy."

"I told Steve today that I wanted with him what you and dad have. I have seen it for all these years. I have looked up to both of you. I have always considered you a ‘dad’ to me, more than my stepfather."

I got up and Jamie did too. I put my arms around him feeling the need for a heart-felt embrace.

"Jamie, there was this little boy about six that I knew twelve years ago. He did something that melted my heart. I bet you don't remember." Jamie shook his head no. "Your dad and I had been together about a year then. Your youngest brother was sleeping in his carrier, and Randy was sleeping in your dad's lap. You were sitting on the floor watching TV. Suddenly you got up, climbed up into my lap, put your arms around me and said `I love you, Uncle Rick. Then you laid your head on my chest and went to sleep. At that moment you found a special place in my heart, a place that your brothers don't have. Before I came to be with your dad, I never thought I would have a family like I do now. But, with that special child-like innocence and acceptance, I immediately felt the kind of love a dad has for his son. I have always looked at all you guys as my sons. But you I have loved you like your father does, maybe in my way a little more. I know you got your brothers to do the same thing with me, and I knew then that you got the better of two wonderful hearts, your mom’s and dad's. You have always made me feel proud to be a part of your life, and I can't tell you how much I love you."

When I finished what I said, Jamie hugged me tighter and, when we backed away from each other, we both had tears in our eyes.

"You are eighteen now, a man; a remarkable man who has exercised his `free will' that the church says we all have. I will support you in this, but I won't support your not telling your father."

I put my hand behind his head and brought it closer to mine, I kissed his cheek, "Please don't get hurt, Jamie, I hope you never have to suffer for the love you and Steve share."

"I'm okay," Jamie said. "Rick, I have always felt blessed that you have been in my life. I will tell dad tonight, but first I have to call Steve and tell him what's up?"

"Why don't you invite Steve over about eight to share some of your birthday cake so your dad and I can inspect the guy."

"I will."

As I left Rick's embrace, I realized even more that I loved him as much as I loved my dad. I reached for the phone and dialed Steve’s house. I spoke with his mother and asked to speak to Steve.

"Hey, Jamie," Steve said, answering the phone.

"Hi sweet guy. Look, our timetable just got screwed up. I am at dad's, and Rick’s and I just had a long talk. Rick is incredible. Steve, he knows about us."

"How?"

"Gaydar. He said that he figured that I had been with you for at least four years. It seems Rick could see in my eyes the love I have for you. He said I got that look from my dad. I just have to be more careful if I can give it away like I did."

"Jamie, I know that look," Steve said, "Wow, what do we do now?"

"You are just going to have to quit making me so happy."

"No way."

"Well, anyway, Rick has invited you over for some of my birthday cake. He would like to see you about eight. Can you come?"

"Yeah, I can be there. He wants to meet me, huh?"

"He told me he wanted to meet the guy who makes me so happy."

"Sounds like he is a romantic."

"Yeah, I guess he is. I can hear dad's car pulling in, so I will see you at eight. I love you. Bye."

"I love you too, bye."

The first thing I saw as I came through the front door was Jamie. He stood up from the couch when he hung up the phone and walked over to me and gave me a big hug and said, "Hi dad."

"Hi birthday boy...ah, you’re not a boy anymore are you?"

"Nope. So how was your day, dad?"

"Fine. Is dinner nearly ready?"

"Let's check with Rick."

We walked out to the kitchen together. There's my man. Rick turned around. We fell into each other's arms and kissed. I live to kiss this man.

"Well, as soon as I put the food on the table we can eat, guys."

"Good. I’m starved."

We all sat down, offered a blessing on the food, and dug in. As usual, Rick's cooking was exceptional. I always enjoyed having one of my sons here with Rick and me. I’m very proud of Jamie; he did well in school and church and he was planning his mission next year after a year in college. He was moving along in the traditional Mormon life cycle.

"Dad, I need to talk to you about something," Jamie said.

"Sure, son, anything."

Jamie looked over at Rick, and I sensed the two of them were up to something.

"Dad, I hadn't planned on telling you this. Rick and I had a talk before you got home and he advised me to tell you that...I’m gay."

Wow! I sure hadn't seen that one coming. Surprised, yes; disappointed, no.

"How? When?" I turned to Rick," You knew?"

Rick looked at me, grabbed my hand and nodded his head.

"How long have you known, Rick?" I asked.

"Jim, my gaydar went off about four years ago. Jamie only confirmed it to me tonight."

"How did that happen? Did you just come out and ask him?"

"Dad, Rick noticed my eyes. I guess I outed myself. The how, well, I must have inherited some your genes. The why, it is just how it is. You already know that stuff."

"I know, Jamie; I deal with parents all the time coming to terms with a child's sexuality, but this is me and you. So what’s going on?"

"Dad, Steve and I have been together since we were thirteen. I love him, and he loves me. Steve is LDS and we are both planning to go on our missions."

"Does anyone else know, Jamie?"

"No, dad, just you and Rick."

"I’m here for you son."

"I know; my two dads are the best."

Rick and I got up and went to Jamie. We had a nice family hug.

"When do I get to meet the lucky guy you are in love with?"

Rick cleared his throat and had that evil grin on his face.

"Actually, Jim", Rick said, "in about fifteen minutes. Steve’s coming for cake and ice cream."

I looked at Rick and said, "You and I are going to have to talk later."

"Why is that, Jim," Rick chuckled," just because your gaydar doesn't work?"

"Smart ass," I said. Then we all broke up laughing.

Rick was right; I had to tell dad and he was cool with it. I was really nervous waiting for Steve. The knock on the door told me he was here. I opened the door, let Steve in, spun him around, and planted the sexiest kiss on his lips I could come up with. I could see dad and Rick standing together; dad just looked on while Rick had the biggest grin on his face. I broke the kiss and found Steve with the reddest face I had ever seen on him.

"Dad, Rick, this is Steve. Steve, this is my dad on the right, and on the left is Rick."

Dad shot across the room with his hand out.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Steve."

They shook hands and dad stepped aside for Rick. Rick walked over and grabbed Steve by the arms. He looked him up and down, felt his arms and then released him, and than offered his hand to him. Steve, was still blushing, but took the hand.

"Well, Steve," Rick said. "Do you love our Jamie?"

"Ah, yes Rick I do, with all my heart."

"Steve, is Jamie really good to you?"

I looked over at dad. He was getting a kick over Rick's interrogation of poor Steve.

"Yes, sir," Steve said glancing at me. His eyes asking for help. "He’s my lover, and my best friend. He has always treated me special. He has a caring heart, an understanding soul, a generous being, and I have been blessed to have known him."

Rick looked pleased with the answer. "You know Steve, I like you. You seem to have been very good for Jamie. You pass my inspection, young man." Then he put his arm around Steve's shoulder. "You and I are going to have to be best buddies here, since we love these two Haines men. I agree; we are both blessed to have fallen for these guys. Everything you said about Jamie goes for his dad. We’ll have to get together so I can tell you all about Jamie; things that I am sure he hasn't told you." With that, Rick took Steve in his arms, kissed his cheek and whispered something in his ear. Steve told me later that Rick thanked him for making me so happy.

"Welcome to the family, Steve," Rick said.

"Ah, thanks, Rick", Steve said.

With that, we had our ice cream and cake. They sang Happy Birthday to me. Steve and I held hands as much as possible. Steve seemed to be completely relaxed after Rick did his number on him. Dad warmed up to Steve as much as Rick had. Dad and Rick told us that they were there for us; so if we needed anything just to ask. We discussed how we were going to continue to hide ourselves from everyone else. Dad told us that, even though we weren't being honest about ourselves, he still expected us to maintain integrity in all our other living endeavors.

Dad told me that he would eventually have to answer to my mother about his knowledge of my homosexuality, but he hoped it would be after our missions, not before. It was a great evening. I got to spend it with the three favorite men in my life.

I thought the evening went well. Jim seemed happy about the evening's events. Jim and I got ready for bed and offered our nightly prayers and we asked for a special blessing on Jamie and Steve. Then we climbed into bed and snuggled together. I loved my life.

The end of Part 2