My second story was coming to an end. I had figured out the ending and ran with it. Stephan, my story editor, had about five chapters yet to work on at the same time I was finishing up Chapter 18, the last. I still hadn’t decided what the next story would be.
The idea of writing about Chase was pestering me.
I considered Stephen to be a distinguished gentlemen. Educated with a PhD in music, he was an author in his own right and a retired college professor.
Right from the start when he approached me, he has been like a friend. His encouragement of my writing and concern for my health was welcome, though unexpected. With his advice I tried a diet program that I hadn’t tried before. I was losing weight again and feeling better than I had in twenty years.
Things seem to be improving and, maybe, my luck had changed.
An email from a reader about the current story on Nifty came my way. He was an author of another Nifty story and his words just blew me away. It was probably the most constructive, positive review of the story I had ever received. The story hit home for him; it read like his own: a straight guy is attracted to a gay or bi guy, much like my story and its characters.
The words he wrote were heart-felt and I realized that with this story, like the first, I could affect people and their feelings. In turn, I was touched by the email.
It wasn’t the first, nor was it the last email I received from valued readers. My writings had gained me a few, long-distance friends—one as far away as Australia and one as close as West Virginia—and I am grateful for those,
I finished Chapter eighteen and sent it off to Stephen. I relaxed for a few days, having felt the satisfaction of completing another story. Then I grew restless.
For nearly two years, I’d had a writing project going. The first story took nineteen months to write, the second took four-and-a-half months.
Brady’s words rocked through my head and I knew I would have to consider seriously the idea of writing about Chase and me.
I had ordered “Death in Venice” and sat down to watch it. Though the story
was far different from my own with Chase, I still couldn’t get it out of my mind that the ‘signals’ between the characters were real.
I thought about the ‘signals’ that Chase had sent me. Whether he was conscious of it or not, he sent them.
By the end of the movie I had made my decision to write the story that Brady said I needed to write. I needed to end what Chase had begun.
With my other story still in the editing stage, I began Chapter One of “Love and Death in Venice”. I chose that title for the time being, not sure it would remain.
Writing Chapter One was easier than I expected. Not having storylines prepared for my first two stories, this one was already written in my head. I wrote about myself, leading up to meeting Chase for the first time.
I held myself together, emotionally and finished the chapter. Having promised Stephen that he would be the first to see anything I ever wrote, I emailed the chapter to him. Surprisingly I kept writing. Chapter after chapter fell on the keyboard of my computer.
Having completed six chapters, I waited with much anticipation from Stephen and his thoughts on the story. He was busy finishing the editing on my other story and also working with his other authors. He had placed those chapters in a folder for later consideration.
My friend in Australia was anxious to read the story after I had mentioned in an email that I was writing it. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to publish it in any form or not. He said the question was whether I trusted him enough for his opinion. I sent him the first six chapters.
His response blew me away.
He wrote:
Oh, buddy. This is very, very personal stuff. Are you really thinking of publishing it on a site? I guess the thing that most scares me is that it is so personal, and if there were any criticism that you felt was unjustified, it would devastate you. Of course, the other side of the coin might be that it helps to give you closure on a part of your life that really needs it. I guess it comes down to risk assessment, and your own mental and emotional strength.
On the technical side, it needs a bit of work, but you know people who can help you with that aspect of things. I guess it worries me that you are so obviously the main character; it seems to be written in first person style as distinct from third person, which not only makes it more 'real', but also makes it potentially more soul-destroying.
I really don't know what to advise you to do, other than to think long and hard about what you do with this story. I would seek advice from others that are close to you. It might help clarify your feelings.
Hugs
Andrew
What the hell had I written?
I hadn’t realized that what I wrote would solicit such a reaction.
I needed so badly to hear Stephan’s assessment.
“It’s your fault I’m writing this,” I said to Brady.
“So.”
“It’s making me think about it, differently.”
“It was supposed to.”
“I had six chapters evaluated by my Aussie friend. I was stunned.”
“What did he say?”
I read him the email.
“Okay,” he said.
“I’ve reread those six chapters, wondering what it was he saw. I guess I was just naïve when it came to my own writing.”
“How?”
“I get all kinds of emails telling me how my stories have affected the readers. I think to myself that ‘it’s just a story’, and then wonder what the heck I’m doing. What’s in my writing?”
“That’s good isn’t? You write from your heart.”
“Yes, but it’s scary sometimes. Stephan once wrote me telling me I had a ‘gift’. I didn’t know until now that what he said left an impact on me.”
“Why?”
“Because if I have such a ‘gift’, why me? Why after all these years does it finally benefit me? I’m scared that what Stephan and Andrew have said would affect me and my writing.”
“It will, eventually in a positive way.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. It will.
“Andrew’s right, it’s too personal.”
“It’s another journey to take. Whether it’s published or not, you needed to take it.”
“This is two journeys, one I lived and the one writing it.”
“True.”
I thought about things for a few minutes. Brady was quiet too.
“You asked me once, if I was with someone else and Chase came back in my life and wanted another chance with me, what would I do?” I said.
“Yeah and you wouldn’t answer the question then.”
“I did, you just didn’t like the answer,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“I still feel the same way.”
“I still think you would run back to Chase.”
“I told you then and I am saying it now, even with writing about it, that I wouldn’t leave the guy I’m with for Chase. I just don’t trust Chase.”
“Sure you would.”
“Why do you insist that I would run into Chase’s arms so quickly?”
“Because you’re in love with him.”
“That’s beside the point. If I’m with another guy and I have committed to him, I won’t leave him for Chase.”
“Why are you so sure?”
“Because Chase had his chance with me, twice , and he walked away. If he wants to be a friend, that’s fine, but I will not give up someone else for him.”
“Maybe.”
“Damn it, Brady. You are so frustrating sometimes.”
Brady laughed into the phone. “You love me anyway.”
“Yeah, damn it, I do,” I said with a snicker. “I don’t know how I would have been if you hadn’t been there when it all crashed on me with Chase.”
“I know,” he said. “You should’ve kept the ring.”
“Why?” I asked, wondering why he brought that up.
“Because.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“You know the answer.”
“I did what I felt was in my heart.”
“You did it to hurt him.”
“I doubt it would’ve hurt him.”
Brady and I have had this conversation before and since I didn’t accept his idea of my motivation, he brought it up again to drive his point further.
“Denial,” he said.
“I’m not denying anything.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“I sent the ring back to let him know how badly he hurt me and it didn’t have any meaning to me anymore.”
“Believe what you want.”
“It’s still your fault.”
“I know.”
“Do you really think I will get closure from this story?”
“That’s up to you.”
“And how will I end it?”
“That’s also up to you. Only you know how it will end.”
“I don’t know how it will end.”
“Then figure it out. Did you write to his mother
like I advised you to do.”
“No. I have told you over and over again that I’m not comfortable writing to his mother.”
“You would find out how he is?”
“It’s too soon.”
“Stalling will not get you any answers.”
“I know what she will say. He’s doing fine.”
“So.”
“He’s not doing fine. The bi-polar condition still has him screwed up.”
“You can’t keep blaming the depression on how he treated you.”
“Yeah, I can.”
“Are you sure that it was his depression that drove him to cut you off?”
“I would like to think so.”
“He’s an adult who can think for himself.”
“Something just isn’t right.”
“What?”
“Remember I told you last summer what I thought, when I was doing my daily walk?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“If Chase tested positive, I would bet anything he would cut himself off from all of his friends. He would handle this alone, no matter what.”
“It’s just a theory.”
“I know. I was grasping for anything. I would hate it if he were positive. It would only add to his mental problems.”
“And if he was positive, there’s nothing you could do about it.”
“I know.”
“You can’t save him. You need to stop trying.”
“I know, and writing this story won’t save him either.”
“It might save you.”
The end of Chapter 9